Clean as a whistle!
January 24, 2008 2:24 PM   Subscribe

Bleachbum: for a youthful appearance everywhere BleachBum.com is your source for information about anal bleaching products and procedures. Anal bleaching is one more way holly wood celebrities try to stay younger. While rectal bleaching isn't for everyone, some people are interested in maintaining a youthful look...everywhere.
posted by Flem Snopes (90 comments total) 4 users marked this as a favorite

 
Pepsi white!
posted by Horace Rumpole at 2:26 PM on January 24, 2008


Holy shit.
posted by psmealey at 2:28 PM on January 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


Kiss my shiny white ass.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 2:30 PM on January 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


I DON'T WANT TO BE EXPOSED TO ANUS!

wait.... did you say bleached anus.....?
posted by Doohickie at 2:31 PM on January 24, 2008


*
posted by yhbc at 2:32 PM on January 24, 2008 [3 favorites]


Not to be confused with...
posted by mr_crash_davis at 2:34 PM on January 24, 2008


This gave me the biggest laugh I have had in a while.
posted by wv kay in ga at 2:35 PM on January 24, 2008


yhbc, I think you mean *
posted by drezdn at 2:36 PM on January 24, 2008


It worked in preview!
posted by drezdn at 2:36 PM on January 24, 2008


what, no how-to videos?
posted by CitizenD at 2:36 PM on January 24, 2008


Christ, what an asshole!
posted by lekvar at 2:37 PM on January 24, 2008 [21 favorites]


I am disappointed, I thought there would be some before and after pictures. I like the tip about avoiding dark, staining foods such as colas, coffee, red wine, grape juice. Who knew?
posted by Mr_Zero at 2:37 PM on January 24, 2008


Yhbc, I think you mean
posted by drezdn at 2:37 PM on January 24, 2008


The things people care about the appearance of never cease to amaze me.
posted by maxwelton at 2:38 PM on January 24, 2008


Christ, what an asshole!... What a clean and minty-fresh asshole, that is!
posted by psmealey at 2:41 PM on January 24, 2008


Christ, what an-





ah, too easy.

(on preview: lekvar already went there)
posted by Ndwright at 2:41 PM on January 24, 2008


.
posted by Joey Michaels at 2:42 PM on January 24, 2008


yhbc's is larger than mine is all.
posted by Joey Michaels at 2:43 PM on January 24, 2008


I'm trying to think of a way we can involve diamonds and perhaps boobs in this whole idiotic scenario... whoever does is sure to make a fucking mint.
posted by edgeways at 2:43 PM on January 24, 2008


This post has left me agape

sorry
posted by psmealey at 2:45 PM on January 24, 2008 [2 favorites]


Marathon Man manages to combine diamonds, assholes and boobs, depending on how one feels about Dustin Hoffman and Laurence Olivier.
posted by waraw at 2:48 PM on January 24, 2008


Anal bleaching is one more way holly wood Rodeo Drive celebrities try to stay younger.

Fixed that for ya.
posted by Smart Dalek at 2:49 PM on January 24, 2008


This will end clean. Er, clean ends.
posted by never used baby shoes at 2:50 PM on January 24, 2008


Christ: What an asshole.
posted by Extopalopaketle at 2:52 PM on January 24, 2008


As long as we're dealing with ass related products, how about Buttpaste, which is actually useful.
posted by Joey Michaels at 2:54 PM on January 24, 2008


This post has left me agape
And that's the purest form of love.
posted by Spire at 2:56 PM on January 24, 2008 [3 favorites]


Bleach baby, bleach baby, there on the sand
From July to the end of September

posted by porn in the woods at 2:58 PM on January 24, 2008


Can someone please tell us what those Chinese characters stand for?
posted by koeselitz at 2:58 PM on January 24, 2008


Stick it where the sun shines!
posted by chillmost at 3:03 PM on January 24, 2008


"I don’t know how it started, but there’s a rumor going around Hollywood that Courtney Cox bleaches her asshole."
posted by kittens for breakfast at 3:06 PM on January 24, 2008 [4 favorites]


(...Maybe NSFW? It's just words! No real assholes were harmed, photographed or bleached in the making of this story...)
posted by kittens for breakfast at 3:07 PM on January 24, 2008


I wonder if there is such a thing as anal piercing?

I mean for anal jewelry. If there is such a thing.
posted by Joey Michaels at 3:10 PM on January 24, 2008


Got a heinous anus? Well, we've got a solution for you...
posted by juiceCake at 3:14 PM on January 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


At last, some vindication! I've been saying that orifice bleaching was the wave of the future, but no one would listen. Now we'll see who's laughing when I open my ear, eye, nose, and throat bleaching kiosk in the mall next week.

"The burning means that it's working"
posted by quin at 3:17 PM on January 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


Am I mistaken in saying that rectal bleaching would be internal, and thus invisible, while anal bleaching would seem to be the particular variety of vain stupidity we're talking about here?
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 3:17 PM on January 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


Everybody sing - Don't it make my brown eye blue
posted by Bighappyfunhouse at 3:33 PM on January 24, 2008


Alright, then. My suggestion for the rallying call of the coming class war:

"Don't shoot 'til you see the whites of their bungholes."
posted by maryh at 3:45 PM on January 24, 2008 [4 favorites]


Ok, not to crap up a perfectly good joke thread with some actual discussion, butt....

Why do people bleach their anuses? I'm asking an honest question. Do peoples' anuses get darker as they get older or something? Is there some anus beauty standard that I'm missing out on? Is this something that people other than niche porn stars would be interested in?
posted by Afroblanco at 3:46 PM on January 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


I mean for anal jewelry. If there is such a thing.

Jewelry, what...you mean like beads and shit?
posted by Demogorgon at 3:50 PM on January 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


Who'd be stupid enough to spend money on this? I just slather hydrogen peroxide on my butt and then expose it to the sun for a while.
posted by Astro Zombie at 3:51 PM on January 24, 2008


koeselitz writes "Can someone please tell us what those Chinese characters stand for?"

"Military stipend" or "military pay", as far as I can tell.
posted by Bugbread at 4:00 PM on January 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


Afroblanco: I'm working under the impression that since feces stains, the place it inevitably passes and decorates as it goes would retain said stain. Given, say, a once-a-day lifetime average I'd guess that's pretty staining.

And by that logic, the younger you are, the fewer stools have passed your anus, the less stained it is.

So, when you meet someone on the street and, as is di rigeur nowadays, immediately display your asshole to them, they will recognize the rackish young gent or spritely young lady before them, taken in by your ass's clever ruse.
posted by abulafa at 4:11 PM on January 24, 2008 [10 favorites]


rackish = rakish
posted by abulafa at 4:12 PM on January 24, 2008


Well, at least this means we're running out of things we're supposed to be insecure about.
posted by louche mustachio at 4:15 PM on January 24, 2008


koselitz - Looks to me like it says 戎力禄 (Rong Lilu) which at my best guess is a person's name. Google reveals nothing, and 戎 is a surname. Otherwise, going by the way they've grouped the characters, could be 禄戎力 (Lu Rongli but written here Western-order as Rongli Lu), since Lu can also be a surname and Rongli ("martial prowess" or somesuch) strikes me as a likely name.
Perhaps it's the product name, but seems a stretch - not always the most comfortable thing where sphincters are concerned.
On preview - bugbread is right that 禄 has the "stipend" meaning and 戎 classically refers to military matters (it's the Jung in Wild Swans author Jung Chang's name for those who've read that, and she writes about its meaning as I recall), but pound to a penny it's one of those two names.
posted by Abiezer at 4:18 PM on January 24, 2008


don't it make my brown eyes blue!
posted by bruce at 4:21 PM on January 24, 2008 [2 favorites]


Previous related thread: Like Mentos for your butt.
posted by ericb at 4:21 PM on January 24, 2008


There is jewelry for the butt. Unfortunately, I am at work right now so there is no way in hell I'm going to find the link for you. I've heard it referred to as "Butt Bling", but basically, it is a small metal butt plug with rhinestones that people wear.
posted by idiotfactory at 4:28 PM on January 24, 2008


Yes! The world is that much closer to an anal-bedazzler!
posted by munchingzombie at 4:29 PM on January 24, 2008


Yeah, sorry, I should have clarified when I said "as far as I can tell" that I'm coming from a Japanese background, and was reading the characters as 武力禄. However, Japanese speakers guessing on what Chinese words mean is always an iffy thing, so I was just taking a stab at it, not giving a definitive answer.
posted by Bugbread at 4:30 PM on January 24, 2008


For Sinologue pedants (Would that I had the chops to be one) I have just realised that the grouping might not be Western at all; it could be intended for reading right-to-left as was common historically. Off to Google Lu Lirong!
posted by Abiezer at 4:31 PM on January 24, 2008


Not much for that either, other than these character combos popping up in people's names. bugbread, I'm in a similar boat here I think - certainly wouldn't want to pretend any of my non-answers are definitive either.
posted by Abiezer at 4:35 PM on January 24, 2008


"I don’t know how it started, but there’s a rumor going around Hollywood that Courtney Cox bleaches her asshole."

It's not a rumor.
posted by dobbs at 4:39 PM on January 24, 2008


"I like bleached butts and I cannot lie..."
posted by post punk at 4:41 PM on January 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


I enjoy the human butthole as much as anyone possibly could, but if enough people are seing yours that you feel you need to adopt a grooming regimen, then maybe a quiet night at home alone once in awhile is in order.
posted by jonmc at 4:42 PM on January 24, 2008 [8 favorites]


Somehow I imagined this product to be more along the lines of a liquid chlorine bleach product that would be splashed in the affected area, not a cream to be slathered on.
posted by heydanno at 4:44 PM on January 24, 2008


Health and safety advised me against bleaching. What with all the sun shining out of there already, the potential for harmful glare issues was just too high.
posted by Abiezer at 4:46 PM on January 24, 2008 [2 favorites]


Does the world really need more white assholes?
posted by brain_drain at 4:47 PM on January 24, 2008 [11 favorites]


A proctologist is writing a prescription for a patient when he turns to his nurse and says "Nurse my pen isn't working" and she responds "Doctor, that's not a pen. Its a rectal thermometer." The doctor looks down and says "By god you're right! What asshole took my pen?".

Eh? Eh?

Ahem....excuse me, I need to use the restroom.
posted by zerobyproxy at 4:49 PM on January 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


I mean for anal jewelry. If there is such a thing.

you had to ask...
posted by jonmc at 4:49 PM on January 24, 2008


3. You can prevent anal staining by being cautious in the bathroom. We suggest using a moist wipe after every bowel movement. This will ensure that the area remains clean and stain free.

Oh, Frank Zappa, we need you now more than ever!
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 4:56 PM on January 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


Way back in 2005, in the underground days of An*l Bleaching, an appearance on MeFi.
posted by R. Mutt at 5:01 PM on January 24, 2008


Am I mistaken in saying that rectal bleaching would be internal, and thus invisible ...?

Only while the anus is closed. But the true devotee of the anus wants a clean, pink rectum too!

Alright, then. My suggestion for the rallying call of the coming class war:

"Don't shoot 'til you see the whites of their bungholes."


I'm pretty sure I saw that porno flick!
posted by me & my monkey at 5:16 PM on January 24, 2008


I enjoy the human butthole as much as anyone possibly could ...

Oh, I don't think that's true. This is a contest you cannot win.
posted by me & my monkey at 5:18 PM on January 24, 2008 [7 favorites]


I eagerly await this growing mainstream enough for an infomercial.
posted by Bookhouse at 5:29 PM on January 24, 2008


Ahem - the proprietor of the site is Keesha Myas.
posted by t3merritt at 5:33 PM on January 24, 2008


Do you think they tested this out on animals first?


Poor bunny rabbits.
posted by cazoo at 5:34 PM on January 24, 2008


Do people dye their butt hair? I figure there's a market for some... Gluteus Formula 16, or something.
posted by soundofsuburbia at 5:40 PM on January 24, 2008


Judy: Gee Bill, there's something different about you, and I just can't put my finger on it. Have you lost wait?
Bill: No.
Judy: You got a new haircut?
Bill: Nope. Try again...
Judy: I give up. What is it, you look so much ... younger.
Bill: Here, let me show you...
posted by jefbla at 5:50 PM on January 24, 2008


er.... lost weight
posted by jefbla at 5:51 PM on January 24, 2008


From the keeshamyas.com site linked to...

Party Etiquette. If you don't know anyone at the party here are a few rules.

* Always do the shot unless you are driving.
* Don't be the first to grab something, don't be the last.
* Think about what a good wife would do, then do the opposite.
* Don't tell anyone about what you saw at the party unless you are sure they saw it too.

Excuses and Alibis: I have become semi-famous for this piece of advice and I hope it is useful to you. Here goes:

Always claim that the party wasn't fun. People believe it. If you saw men during the evening kick the intensity level down a notch for your story For example, if you saw naked men you will say that they kept their underwear on. If you saw men with their underwear on then you just looked at playgirl magazines. If you didn't even see playgirl magazines then YOU need to throw the next party.

Excuse portion #2. The best alibi is to mention the oldest, pudiest person at the party and to let people know that she was in attendance. Even if the grandmother of the bride was there just long enough to deliver some cupcakes, use her as your alibi. "The party was kinda boring, the bride's grandma was there". Works every time.

OK, works every time for what? I don't get it? I've missed out on something here.
posted by mattoxic at 5:56 PM on January 24, 2008


johnmc: That is perhaps the most upsetting thing I've seen all day, and I include my daily viewing of "2g1c."
posted by Joey Michaels at 6:03 PM on January 24, 2008


Blowfish sells something they describe as anal jewelry. Basically heavy duty metal butt plugs with jeweled ends. No real gemstones though.
posted by keptwench at 6:06 PM on January 24, 2008


I was hoping for a real anal bleach site, complete with before and after photos. I mean really, how much bleaching do you get? What does it look like? Anyway, there were no photos, so I searched Google Images for "bleached anus". Now I am sad.
posted by Nelson at 6:34 PM on January 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


I mean really, how much bleaching do you get? What does it look like?

If you use too much, it becomes transparent.
posted by jonmc at 6:43 PM on January 24, 2008


The vagina couch post did mention there were some stains on the bottom.
posted by StickyCarpet at 6:58 PM on January 24, 2008


I remember someone dropping 'anal bleaching' into a conversation many years ago. Nothing has been said since. It was not about to be a regular feature in our sheltered group. Well it has certainly raised a smirk here again after all those years.

I mean.. I had to ckick on the link.. 'Anal maintenance'...
posted by Frasermoo at 7:04 PM on January 24, 2008


BleachBum links to KeeshaMyas, which links to HandJobAdvice. Between all of her websites, I think she's got everything covered.
posted by Serena at 7:49 PM on January 24, 2008


Got a heinous anus? Well, we've got a solution for you...

Actually, from what I understand, bleaching creams are a suspension, not a solution.

I do not get fashion, apparently. I go out, I buy the Armani suit, the Versace shirt, the AX ties, the DKNY shoes, the Argyle socks, and the fashionable cufflinks. And now I have to bleach my ass. Why don't they tell me these things?
posted by Reth_Eldirood at 7:54 PM on January 24, 2008


I mean really, how much bleaching do you get? What does it look like?

If you use too much, it becomes transparent.


And I thought it would get a hole in it.
posted by InfidelZombie at 8:42 PM on January 24, 2008


I wonder if Michael Jackson knows about this...
posted by Tube at 8:46 PM on January 24, 2008


Every once in a while I come up with a product or marketing idea, but I always end up dismissing it because I think it's too stupid and it wouldn't work.

Maybe I shouldn't be too quick to dismiss them. In a world where an otherwise reasonable person will pay to have his/her anus bleached, I'm clearly overestimating the potential market.
posted by clevershark at 10:21 PM on January 24, 2008


Why don't they tell me these things?

I've bought the Armani suit, the Versace shirt, the AX ties, the DKNY shoes, the Argyle socks, and the fashionable cufflinks. Should I bleach my ass now? [more inside]
posted by anonymous to clothing, beauty, & fashion at 10:29 PM - 0 answers +
posted by katillathehun at 10:42 PM on January 24, 2008


It is going to be a tragedy of gaping scope if this does not reach 100 comments.
posted by Joey Michaels at 2:44 AM on January 25, 2008


The ShopinPrivate store this site links to is a gem of its own.
posted by divabat at 6:05 AM on January 25, 2008


I was going to take a stab at one of these jokes but I don't want to cock it up or make an ass of myself. Ass bleaching is wrong in my mind, as is anything else that changes the way the human body is by default. I prefer the ring of truth to a load of old crap. Arsing around and shitting in threads is a constant problem and you dirty bums (and you know who you are) need to clean up your act.

I'd also like to comment on some of the terrible punctuation I've seen here. Some of you wouldn't know the right place for a colon if it were bleached white and dancing in front of you.
posted by longbaugh at 6:43 AM on January 25, 2008 [4 favorites]


There's a gape in the market. Surely a better solution would be to make an anal bleach that's glow-in-the-dark. I've heard said that orgies during power cuts can be a real pain the the arse.
posted by ob at 8:44 AM on January 25, 2008


thanks, divabat:

all your problems solved
posted by CitizenD at 11:37 AM on January 25, 2008


My Red Meat tribute to Nelson.
posted by Joey Michaels at 12:09 PM on January 25, 2008


Every once in a while I come up with a product or marketing idea, but I always end up dismissing it because I think it's too stupid and it wouldn't work.

It was probably Trump (or maybe Ted Turner, I dunno) who said it, "Nobody ever went broke by underestimating the general taste of the American public."

Exhibit A(ss), ladies and gentlemen.
posted by Reth_Eldirood at 7:27 PM on January 25, 2008


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