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Strap on your stupid and let's get at it
January 26, 2008 6:24 AM   Subscribe

You suck at Photoshop.
posted by sveskemus (90 comments total) 52 users marked this as a favorite

 
But I am awesome at Notepad.
posted by Mach5 at 6:35 AM on January 26, 2008 [6 favorites]


The Bob Ross of our generation.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 6:46 AM on January 26, 2008 [1 favorite]


Followup
posted by knave at 6:47 AM on January 26, 2008


I do suck at Photoshop! How did you know?
posted by afx237vi at 6:48 AM on January 26, 2008


and you, sir, suck at life
posted by pyramid termite at 6:51 AM on January 26, 2008


Bwahahah. That was funny (specifically the last one, which is the only one I've seen so far)
posted by delmoi at 6:54 AM on January 26, 2008


A particularly awesome piece of the internet.
posted by tylermoody at 6:59 AM on January 26, 2008


I must either be taking these videos way too seriously, or I've got a different sense of humor from most folks. I found these very depressing. Well done, though--he's got a great delivery.
posted by pushing paper and bottoming chairs at 7:00 AM on January 26, 2008 [1 favorite]


These are best viewed in order; there's character development and everything. Even a plot.

I thought #4 was the weakest of the bunch, but the followup on ebay almost saves it.

And, yeah, I found them depressing too, pushing paper. (Especially #2. "I don't have anything against the cat personally.") But depressing in a hilarious way.
posted by ook at 7:09 AM on January 26, 2008


I'm not a fan of dane cook, but this was funny, not LOL funny, but 'Wow, i never thought dane cook could be funny' funny.
posted by schyler523 at 7:11 AM on January 26, 2008


That was Dane Cook?
posted by Cyrano at 7:28 AM on January 26, 2008


(And even if it was, I liked. Thanks.)
posted by Cyrano at 7:29 AM on January 26, 2008


knave: "Followup"
Nice find knave, the questions are pretty funny.
posted by geekyguy at 8:03 AM on January 26, 2008


You know, that's what I thought when I watched the first one. "That guy sounds like Dane Cook!"
posted by lou at 8:04 AM on January 26, 2008


I could be wrong, but it seemed too close to his voice to not be Dane Cook.
posted by schyler523 at 8:23 AM on January 26, 2008 [1 favorite]


i don't know this dane cook person of which you speak, but is it wrong for me to want to marry him?
posted by msconduct at 8:29 AM on January 26, 2008


Is this something I would need to suck at Photoshop to understand?
posted by The Deej at 8:31 AM on January 26, 2008


"...because you've only been using about $75 worth of photoshop and this is going to open you up to at least, like $250 worth..."
posted by fidgets at 8:35 AM on January 26, 2008 [3 favorites]


Dammit, I love these.
posted by jim.christian at 8:42 AM on January 26, 2008


Oh, I've gotten a couple good ones off now and then. I have lots to learn yet, but I don't think I suck that much.
posted by RavinDave at 8:56 AM on January 26, 2008 [5 favorites]


Finally, something that Dane Cook has done that doesn't totally suck.
posted by Dave Faris at 8:57 AM on January 26, 2008


Gahahaha. I love how the titles change with each one.
posted by katillathehun at 8:58 AM on January 26, 2008


Wait, if this is Dane Cook, who is Donnie Hoyle?
posted by Dave Faris at 9:12 AM on January 26, 2008


i don't know this dane cook person of which you speak, but is it wrong for me to want to marry him?

I was going to make a clever reference to spousal homicide, but the upshot is that this is by far the least annoying context I've ever seen him in. Maybe it's that video narration doesn't allow for much in the way of frenetic monkey-jumping.
posted by kittyprecious at 9:17 AM on January 26, 2008


Donnie Hoyle usually sucks. He's so overrated, with his movies and SNL appearances and all. Too much exposure. But this is good stuff. I take back everything I ever thought about Donnie Hoyle.
posted by The Deej at 9:39 AM on January 26, 2008


Wait, if this is Dane Cook, who is Donnie Hoyle?

A fictional character?

Looks like there's some other interesting stuff on mydamnchannel.com. David Wain of Stella has a show, but judging from the first episode it's not as good as the Michael Showalter Showalter.
posted by ludwig_van at 9:48 AM on January 26, 2008


I love how this perfectly pushes nerd buttons. Photoshop wankery. World of Warcraft. Skype interruptions. All the hidden jokes scrolling by when he moves around the UI. It's pretty great.
posted by Nelson at 9:55 AM on January 26, 2008


I take it back, Wainy Days is pretty great.
posted by ludwig_van at 9:57 AM on January 26, 2008


This is way too smart-funny to be Dane Cook.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:59 AM on January 26, 2008


Did you not see the pictures of Dane Cook in episode 2? And this isn't just some random youtube thing, it's produced by mydamnchannel.com, which has a bunch of other shows featuring established comedians.
posted by ludwig_van at 10:15 AM on January 26, 2008


I refuse to believe that is Dane Cook.

Because I liked it. And Dane Cook is a tool.

(And if someone manages to prove it to me, I still won't believe it. I'll just resent you for it.)
posted by John Smallberries at 10:22 AM on January 26, 2008 [1 favorite]


If this is Dane Cook I no longer find it funny. :(
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 10:22 AM on January 26, 2008 [7 favorites]


totally not dane cook. doesn't even really sound like him.

but employing that same logic (photo of cook in the video so hoyle must be cook), donnie hoyle is definitely the cat.
posted by Hat Maui at 10:28 AM on January 26, 2008


but employing that same logic (photo of cook in the video so hoyle must be cook), donnie hoyle is definitely the cat.

What, did no one see the peepoop stain?
posted by The Deej at 10:34 AM on January 26, 2008


Hmm, no that I think of it...

which has a bunch of other shows featuring established comedians.

Who probably don't like Dane Cook very much.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 10:50 AM on January 26, 2008


Yeah, I guess it could be a guy who sounds like Dane Cook and put the Dane Cook pictures in episode 2 as a joke. But I can't find any mentions of Donnie Hoyle on the internet that aren't referring to these videos. It could still be a pseudonym for someone other than Dane Cook, though. It seems the videos were produced by a group called Big Fat Brain.

Anyway I'm going to keep watching the David Wain ones.
posted by ludwig_van at 10:50 AM on January 26, 2008


And if you watch the show Tim After Tim on the Big Fat Brain channel at mydamnchannel.com, it sounds like Tim is probably Donnie Hoyle.
posted by ludwig_van at 10:56 AM on January 26, 2008


Dane Cook or no, I love the phrase "liar crevasse" (from #3) so, so very much ...
posted by zeph at 11:02 AM on January 26, 2008


If this is Dane Cook then he's pulled off an amazing prank, hiding evefry last semblance of any talent away from the public eye and then using it all on a series of obscure youtube videos.

More likely it's just somebody who sounds like Cook, but knows what humor is.

Also: "deceitful meat-stick"? Amazing.
posted by Navelgazer at 11:10 AM on January 26, 2008


All four videos on one convenient page.
posted by The Deej at 11:17 AM on January 26, 2008


And if you watch the show Tim After Tim on the Big Fat Brain channel at mydamnchannel.com, it sounds like Tim is probably Donnie Hoyle.

I think you're right. Which is too bad, because I was looking forward to the conspiracy theories about how Dane was ripping off Bill Hicks' missing "You suck at DPaint IV" vhs tapes.
posted by Gary at 11:24 AM on January 26, 2008 [7 favorites]


[Entirely tangential, not-a-bad-thing question, but who added the "possiblydanecook" tag?]
posted by cortex at 11:28 AM on January 26, 2008


I love how this perfectly pushes nerd buttons. Photoshop wankery. World of Warcraft. Skype interruptions. All the hidden jokes scrolling by when he moves around the UI. It's pretty great.

Plus the passive-aggressiveness, if you're into self-mockery.

I'm loving the desktop backgrounds ("behemoth").
posted by A dead Quaker at 11:51 AM on January 26, 2008


[Entirely tangential, not-a-bad-thing question, but who added the "possiblydanecook" tag?]

I did.
posted by sveskemus at 11:53 AM on January 26, 2008


You left off the "definitelynotdanecook" tag.
posted by item at 12:17 PM on January 26, 2008


yeah guys this is totally dane cook; apparently he names image files of himself "douche.jpg" that makes a ton of sense

when did you guys get so stupid
posted by Optimus Chyme at 12:28 PM on January 26, 2008


That actually made me laugh. Especially after all of the Photoshop seminars & stuff I've sat through.

But please tell me it's not Dane Cook. Or I will have to pretend I was not amused.
posted by miss lynnster at 12:29 PM on January 26, 2008


BTW, I actually paused it at first because I thought my friend was calling me back on Skype. Totally threw me. That was a good touch.
posted by miss lynnster at 12:30 PM on January 26, 2008


when did you guys get so stupid

Is that you, Optimus Prime?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:43 PM on January 26, 2008


Who the hell is Dane Cook anyway?
posted by sveskemus at 12:43 PM on January 26, 2008 [1 favorite]


Not this guy, that's for sure.
posted by elwoodwiles at 12:50 PM on January 26, 2008


Oh, wait, maybe it is.
posted by elwoodwiles at 12:50 PM on January 26, 2008


This is really, really funny. Thanks so much for the post.
posted by Ricky_gr10 at 12:53 PM on January 26, 2008


As I took it, the reason there's pictures of Dane Cook in part 2 (labled "douche.jpg", etc) is because when part 1 was posted to Digg, then entire conversation was about how it was totally Dane Cook you guys seriously it is obvious. Similar to here. So putting little stabs at him in part 2 was kind of a "Dane Cook? I've got yer Dane Cook right here" response from the creator.

Thanks for posting these, I've been showing them to friends since I saw part 1. The only thing that breaks the spell for me is the voice of the interrupting skype friend. Everything else is magical.
posted by churl at 12:58 PM on January 26, 2008


I like Dane Cook.
posted by R_Nebblesworth at 1:10 PM on January 26, 2008 [1 favorite]


yeah guys this is totally dane cook; apparently he names image files of himself "douche.jpg" that makes a ton of sense

That's what I would do if I were Dane Cook. Because if I were Dane Cook, I'd be a total douche.

I hated those fucking baseball playoff commercials. Fucking douche.
posted by dirigibleman at 1:35 PM on January 26, 2008


Hey, that path tool thing is pretty cool. Makes me want to get Photoshop, except that I know I will suck at it.
posted by jb at 2:25 PM on January 26, 2008


"uh, I'm writing off furniture"
posted by salvia at 3:14 PM on January 26, 2008 [1 favorite]


came for the funny. stayed for learning how to use the path tool properly!
posted by photoslob at 3:51 PM on January 26, 2008


I guess y'all hadn't noticed how one of the photos of Dane Cook is labeled "douche.png"?
posted by Sys Rq at 5:08 PM on January 26, 2008


Or maybe I just didn't read the whole thread. But still, PNG files are way less Dane Cook than JPGs.
posted by Sys Rq at 5:10 PM on January 26, 2008


These are most excellent.
posted by brain_drain at 6:23 PM on January 26, 2008


He sounds more like David Cross to me.
posted by fungible at 6:36 PM on January 26, 2008 [1 favorite]


Nope, it's not Dane Cook. I will not believe it.
posted by spiderskull at 8:21 PM on January 26, 2008


eBay killed the auction, it looks like. Too bad, this thing was actually funnier the second time through.
posted by maxwelton at 8:52 PM on January 26, 2008


there's only one ... october!
posted by psmith at 9:09 PM on January 26, 2008


The photos of Dane Cook, labeled D-bag and such, are in the filled under "Pussies".
posted by Widepath at 10:39 AM on January 27, 2008


I liked it. And I'm totally liberating "Strap on your stupid" as a new phrase for my team-building meetings at work.
posted by quin at 11:48 AM on January 27, 2008


Why the fuck is Dane Cook a tool? I'm pretty jaded nowadays when it comes to comedians... hell, I'm jaded about pretty much anything, but a guy who can do a comedic performance like this deserves some respect. Honestly, I don't know Dane Cook from a hole in the wall, or a gay guy on crack sticking his foot under the stall, but why do people have so much hate for Dane Cook all the sudden? Where's this coming from?

I just googled "Dane Cook tool" and there's some pages out there where people say Dane Cook is a tool and he's not funny either but then IF they actually try to validate that with an explanation, they make no fucking sense.

At metacafe someone said, "Anyone that thinks Dane Cook is funny should have there (sic) head examined. This guy is a tool. He brainwashed college kids through his web site to believe that he was the MAN. Which is total bull." What the fuck? Dane Cook brainwashes college students??? Since when? I don't know this guy personally as I said but it doesn't look to me like Dane Cook washes his own socks, okay? Ooh! He's a dastardly dane, this one! Ooh hanging's too good for him! Let's boil him in oil. And get this -he brainwashes college kids into thinking he was The Man. I don't even know what the hell that means! He doesn't really have a penis? What?

Really, what did Dane Cook do to deserve such bitter hatred? Choke his chicken? Run over nuns in a Nissan? Start an avalanche by yodeling? What did he do to deserve such disdain? On CBSSports someone typed "Dane Cook = Tool" but then went on to explain they "still find his routines funny." He's funny but he's still a tool. What the fuck is this about?

Oh. And the fourth one was funny. I haven't looked at the other three yet. Dunno why. I don't know if it's Dane Cook or not, but regardless, it made me laugh. I'm a divorced male who's at least as pathetic as the character in the video and I could find humor in it. Whether the comedian's name is Dane Cook shouldn't matter one way or the other. It'd be just as funny if Heath Ledger were behind it.
posted by ZachsMind at 11:51 AM on January 27, 2008


Really, what did Dane Cook do to deserve such bitter hatred?

I think it mostly has to do with him being a big ol' tool.
posted by cortex at 12:19 PM on January 27, 2008


Woody Allen has a wise and inspired definition of how to determine if something is funny: if it makes you laugh.
posted by The Deej at 12:31 PM on January 27, 2008


He also has a wise and inspired definition about marrying the adopted daughter of his former girlfriend, who is 35 years younger than he is, but I don't think I'll be taking any of his advice about that.
posted by Dave Faris at 12:46 PM on January 27, 2008


That was an action, not a saying. BOOYAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
posted by The Deej at 12:52 PM on January 27, 2008


Actually, I think it also had to do with him pulling a Carlos Mencia... appearing delusionally arrogant whilst stealing jokes from other hard-working comics on a semi-regular basis. (Supposedly nearly verbatim from Louis CK & Dimitri Martin in particular, but allegedly also from Jim Gaffigan and Steve Martin.)
posted by miss lynnster at 1:23 PM on January 27, 2008


Then it all makes sense. It is Dane Cook, but he stole it all from Donnie Hoyle.
posted by Dave Faris at 1:55 PM on January 27, 2008 [1 favorite]


I confess here that, although I've been following the "Suck" tutorials for a while now, until I read this thread I had never heard of Dane Cook.

Creating an actual eBay auction for the "Ring of Sorrows" was inspired.
posted by SPrintF at 3:18 PM on January 27, 2008


So there are accusations that Dane Cook stole from all these people and thus automatically he is guilty and therefore branded as a tool. Guilty Unless Proven Innocent. I can't defend Woody Allen, so throw him under the bus as many times as you want, but I've yet to see any solid evidence that legitimizes this Dane Cook lynching thing. Please enlighten me.
posted by ZachsMind at 8:19 PM on January 30, 2008


Top 5 Reasons to not Like Dane Cook
posted by sveskemus at 7:23 AM on January 31, 2008


Episode 5
posted by Dave Faris at 11:25 AM on February 1, 2008


"Set them up, Knock them down. Set them up knock it down. That's the basic formula of a joke. Setup, and then a punchline. But watch Dane Cook's stand up material and you will see something bizarre. There are hardly any punchlines. Where there should be a joke, there is a noise, or a funny face. Where is the joke? There is no joke. Dane Cook is the master of manipulation."

Steve Martin was doing this in the 1970s. Richard Pryor was doing this before that. Whoopi Goldberg's best standup didn't have punchlines. Lilly Tomlin's best stuff may have had punchlines but they were ingrained in the character.

this is ongoing
posted by ZachsMind at 1:25 PM on February 1, 2008


Yet a another very useful photoshop tutorial. I had never even heard of colour range selection. That is a lot faster than the magic wand for that kind of thing.
posted by jb at 9:26 PM on February 1, 2008


Me, a day ago: "this is ongoing"

Bleargh. Or not. I was gonna get back to doing the point/counterpoint thing with that five reasons to hate Dane Cook, but I don't care enough to bother. This 'you suck at photoshop' series isn't even done by him. It's not even his voice. Doesn't sound like him at all.

And why defend the guy? He doesn't need defending. This whole thing is ludicrous.

I'm not a diehard Dane Cook fan. I don't hate him. I certainly don't hang on his every word, and I can name off the top of my head easily fifty other comedians that are better than him, but that doesn't make him a bad comedian. I could also name at least as many that I'd say are worse... well come to think of it I couldn't name THAT many cuz after about two dozen I'd be like.. "that one guy with the face, and that lady with the weird hair, and whatsizname with the accent" et cetera. Most comedians worse than Dane Cook I'd admit are largely forgettable.

I'm predominantly apathetic. I find him entertaining. People with a chip on their shoulder about him whiff like Scientologists to me. People being 'Guilty Unless Proven Innocent' regarding anything is vaguely cultish and creepy and turns me off.

Light your torches and raise your pitchforks in the sky all you want. Dane Cook ain't no monster, no matter how you try to paint him that way.
posted by ZachsMind at 6:44 AM on February 2, 2008


Light your torches and raise your pitchforks in the sky all you want.

Sanction, at long last!

Dane Cook ain't no monster, no matter how you try to paint him that way.

Totally in agreement. On the other hand, he's a big ol' tool.
posted by cortex at 7:03 AM on February 2, 2008


What can brown do for you? Number six is here!
posted by cdmwebs at 10:47 PM on February 15, 2008


Oof. That last one was shitty.

In quality, I mean.
posted by ook at 10:24 AM on February 16, 2008


I don't remember where I read it, in the last week or two, but some website was claiming that the people who produce these is an ad company specializing in internet virals, and this whole series is just a promo for the company.
posted by Dave Faris at 11:16 AM on February 16, 2008


Yeah, this one wasn't so hot.

Also, the Dane Cook stuff is defintely debunked. Look at the related video and you'll recognize the voice.
posted by cdmwebs at 2:12 PM on February 16, 2008


Dave, that sounds pretty likely to me. Doesn't make them less funny or somehow worth less in my book, though. But I do agree that #6 sucked. The idea seems played out now. I think they should stop making them.
posted by sveskemus at 3:42 PM on February 16, 2008


I don't remember where I read it, in the last week or two, but some website was claiming that the people who produce these is an ad company specializing in internet virals, and this whole series is just a promo for the company.

Their origin is not mysterious. Like I said back when these were posted, they're made by a group called Big Fat Brain for the website My Damn Channel.
posted by ludwig_van at 4:22 PM on February 16, 2008


Number 7. Better than 5 and 6, but not nearly as funny as the first few. At least the wallpaper is an admission of that.
posted by Gary at 1:38 PM on February 22, 2008


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