Crime in Russia

February 1, 2008 7:52 AM

The crime in Moscow makes for some great headlines.
posted by josher71 (32 comments total)

Is there really such a thing as an 'accidental grenade blast'?
posted by coachfortner at 7:57 AM on February 1 [2 favorites]

An elderly woman has been arrested and charged with fraud after she tried to sell a large corundum stone for $20 million, passing it off as a giant hunk of ruby crystal,

Corundum and ruby are the same mineral
posted by stet at 8:03 AM on February 1 [1 favorite]

Attack Puts N. Korean Laborers in Hospital

Hilarious.
posted by Faint of Butt at 8:08 AM on February 1 [2 favorites]

HAHAHA great headlines, not a boring one in the bunch.
posted by hellslinger at 8:11 AM on February 1

Elevator Man Caught Lifting Cables got a rise out of me.
posted by cairnish at 8:13 AM on February 1 [1 favorite]

Police Told to Find Out Who Killed the Cat

A Mr. Curiosity is wanted for questioning.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:23 AM on February 1 [12 favorites]

Landlord Dismembered 2 Victims

coachfortner writes: Is there really such a thing as an 'accidental grenade blast'?

Well, yeah: Man Killed By Grenade Detonated In Pocket
posted by Foci for Analysis at 8:26 AM on February 1

Ah, Russian crime, you truly exist to amuse us.

cf. Moscow's The eXile presents: Death Porn.
posted by dgaicun at 8:30 AM on February 1

If this was FARK, each one of these could have been a separate post...

oh wait, this isn't FARK... but it is getting harder and harder to tell the difference...

/so sue me, we got another 5 inches of snow, it is a LONG way to spring, and I'm crabby as hell!
posted by HuronBob at 8:32 AM on February 1 [1 favorite]

And there's this, too:
Killing of glamour model-bodyguard stuns Moscow
posted by wsg at 8:35 AM on February 1 [1 favorite]

I wonder if the Russian mafia bothers to take their cut when someone commits rock fraud.
posted by absalom at 8:44 AM on February 1

Vegetable Oil Mogul Hit With RPG

Lightning bolt!
posted by uncleozzy at 8:52 AM on February 1

In Russia, newspaper headlines write Вы.
posted by Bathtub Bobsled at 9:02 AM on February 1 [1 favorite]

2 Arrests for Headless Corpse

Please tell me I'm not the only one pondering a Russian noir TV series, filmed on a shoestring budget with outdated equipment, that features a headless corpse solving crimes. Everyone will speak in Russian, but there will be poorly translated subtitles. The corpse will never move or speak, but it will change location depending on the scene. The show will be five times as baffling as Turkish Star Wars and three times as hilarious.

The first episode's title will translate loosely to Dial R for Rock Fraud.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:10 AM on February 1 [5 favorites]

Moscow is Disneyland compared to Philly.
posted by Jay Reimenschneider at 9:28 AM on February 1

Funny... I saw the words Rock Fraud and immediately assumed that they were writing a story about Nickelback.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 9:36 AM on February 1 [1 favorite]

Yikes!

Do the editors deliberately look for crazy news, or is shit just crazy over there?
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:47 AM on February 1

Chunks of Flesh, Leg Found in Trash

In a week of bizarre crimes involving dismembered corpses, an elderly woman hacked up her adult son with an ax and a saw after years of fighting over his girlfriends, while a sawed-off leg led police to two suspects in a drunken double murder, prosecutors said.


There are so many things to be said about this. First. I love that opening sentence. There were just so many crimes involving severed body parts they could just glibly use it as the lead. Secondly, there's the use of the phrase "hacked up." Couldn't we have said "an elderly woman disposed her sons body only after using a ax and saw to cut the remains into smaller pieces"... No!
posted by heatherbeth at 9:52 AM on February 1

I would be much more comfortable with overly sensational news if it was always so awesome. We should be taking notes, or maybe our criminals should.
posted by domakesaypat at 9:54 AM on February 1

Corundum and ruby are the same mineral

Your very own link makes it clear that ruby is a subset of corundum; while all rubies are corundum, not all corundum is rubies.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 10:08 AM on February 1 [2 favorites]

Robocop you are my hero.
posted by mrzarquon at 10:15 AM on February 1

(Somehow, I keep getting Parasite Unseen confused with Unicorn on the Cob.)
posted by uncleozzy at 10:30 AM on February 1

2 Arrests for Headless Corpse
Chunks of Flesh, Leg Found in Trash
Handcuffed Suspect Flees Near Court

Doo-Dah News could use this link.
posted by darksasami at 10:38 AM on February 1 [2 favorites]

2 Arrests for Headless Corpse

Heh, I was pondering an entirely different misinterpretation of this than robocop is bleeding's (whose version is far better): "Arresting a headless corpse once is bad enough; twice smacks of overkill."
posted by languagehat at 10:49 AM on February 1 [2 favorites]

Do the editors deliberately look for crazy news, or is shit just crazy over there?

The answer is clearly "Both."
posted by languagehat at 10:50 AM on February 1

Filmmaker Murdered, Flushed Down Toilet

Seriously?

Yes. Seriously.
posted by Ragma at 11:27 AM on February 1

"Arresting a headless corpse once is bad enough; twice smacks of overkill."

I can see the smarmy defense lawyer all arguing up in Jack McCoy's grill that double jeopardy has attached. McCoy's eyebrows start to go wild as he shakes his head vigorously. "Your Honor!" he shouts, thrusting a finger against a manila folder full of damning evidence, "Mr. Headless Corpse must pay for what he did!"

And the judge, hypnotized by McCoy's salt-and-pepper manness nods solemnly and says, "Overruled." McCoy gets a victory smirk and the scene fades to a commercial for next day floor delivery.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:42 AM on February 1 [3 favorites]

A 2-meter-tall Cameroonian man has spent at least the last month posing as a U.S. diplomat. And as the prospective owner of a basketball team. And as a construction worker.
posted by pravit at 11:44 AM on February 1

And the judge, hypnotized by McCoy's salt-and-pepper manness nods solemnly and says, "Overruled." McCoy gets a victory smirk and the scene fades to a commercial for next day floor delivery.

You forgot the "chung-chung".
posted by Rock Steady at 12:34 PM on February 1

Watch it, Rock Steady. Rosie O'Donnell got in trouble for that shit.
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:11 PM on February 1

Whoa, that page reads like total collapse is inevitable.

I was just about to say the Russians seem to have a deep histrionic streak, a big appetite for dramarama. And then I remembered that proverb about one finger pointing out but three fingers pointing back at the person doing the pointing. America's fascination with Jerry Springer type of tv bs, ugh, comes to mind.

But there is something so unrelenting about the Moscow Times page. Not even a squeak of good news. Is this totally un-pc to say that Eastern Europeans and Russians don't seem to give much energy to good news (unless they are related to, imo totally unbelievable, healing miracles), as if positive things weren't to be trusted but only negative things are trustworthy?

Is that a cultural thing or a post Stalin thing? Am totally ignorant about the Russian mindset, it's quite mysterious to me. I do love their amazing creativity and cultural diversity, especially the kind of eye candy sort of thing on English Russia, one of my favorite websites.

It's got to be so hard in Moscow these days or is that just media hype, like the old hype about NYC and all the supposed violence here?
posted by nickyskye at 1:26 PM on February 1

Notice the dates. That page spans 1 1/2 years of grisly crimes. Wasn't there some body parts thrown along the road at the states just few days ago?
posted by Free word order! at 1:56 PM on February 1