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Tearless Onion.
February 3, 2008 3:26 PM   Subscribe

Now this is progress.
posted by Lutoslawski (58 comments total)

 
Wake me up when they make an onion that keeps other people from crying after I eat them.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 3:31 PM on February 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


Not quite.
posted by Burhanistan at 3:31 PM on February 3, 2008


This makes me sad.
posted by inconsequentialist at 3:33 PM on February 3, 2008 [2 favorites]


Shutting down the lachrymatory factor synthase gene -- that's just a cool name. Lachrymatory Factor Synthase Gene!
posted by moonmilk at 3:35 PM on February 3, 2008


This will only end in tears.


No, seriously. I'm pretty sure that that aromatic enzyme is what makes onions so good for you.
posted by loquacious at 3:44 PM on February 3, 2008


Honestly, WTF. This was a serious problem?
posted by psmealey at 3:53 PM on February 3, 2008 [2 favorites]


Maybe I don't understand the process very well, but can't you achieve the same effect just by growing your unions in low-sulfur soil (a la Vidalia onions)?
posted by ErWenn at 3:54 PM on February 3, 2008


So onions are no longer like ogres?
posted by mr_crash_davis at 3:54 PM on February 3, 2008 [3 favorites]


Alton Brown weighs in on onions and tear prevention.
posted by inconsequentialist at 3:56 PM on February 3, 2008


Onions already don't make me cry. Maybe instead of messing with onions they should stud me out to all the MILFs for whom this is a problem.

Onion stud. Awww yeah.
posted by DU at 3:58 PM on February 3, 2008 [3 favorites]


Still no cure for...oh, sorry, wrong site.
posted by zardoz at 3:58 PM on February 3, 2008 [2 favorites]


There already is an onion without tears (of laughter)

PHEAR MY SNARRK
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 4:01 PM on February 3, 2008


Dammit. I let my subscription to Onion World expire, and look what happens.
posted by avoision at 4:02 PM on February 3, 2008 [7 favorites]


But I *like* the potential eye watering involved in slicing onions. There is no pleasure without pain.

Are we to reduce all human existence to a muted experience of non-discomfort? How will we distinguish comfort without discomfort, pleasure without pain? Is our future to be inevitably anhedonistic as the natural result of gradually removing all irritation from our sensation? Is everything going to look down to us 'cos we've been up so long?
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 4:05 PM on February 3, 2008 [2 favorites]


Does this mean onions will taste like shit when fried with butter? Because I'd rather cry cutting them than eatiing them.
posted by Elmore at 4:09 PM on February 3, 2008 [2 favorites]


First seedless watermelon, now tearless onions. What's next, Soylent Green?!?!
posted by Razzle Bathbone at 4:10 PM on February 3, 2008 [3 favorites]


I prefer Soylent Red, to be honest. Green is all hype.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 4:15 PM on February 3, 2008


Hey Razzle, according to a friend of mine there are a lot of dickless wankers in the clubs these days. How does that work?
posted by Elmore at 4:16 PM on February 3, 2008 [2 favorites]


New Zealand, you have bowdlerized the onion.

For this you will die by way of eating.
posted by fleetmouse at 4:26 PM on February 3, 2008 [2 favorites]


Or its revenge on the French for sinking the Rainbow Warrior. See how your fancy mirepoix tastes with one of these shitty onions.
posted by Razzle Bathbone at 4:33 PM on February 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


I'm just pleased to know that there's a magazine called Onion World.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:43 PM on February 3, 2008


Nobody Likes Onions
posted by ColdChef at 4:46 PM on February 3, 2008


A one paragraph article about onions in the NYT?! Seriously, what makes you read something like this and say, "Boy, I better share this with Metafilter!"
posted by dobbs at 4:49 PM on February 3, 2008


"The breakthrough was featured in the December issue of Onion World, the international onion trade journal."
yeah, but only cos it was a slow news day.

as a new zealander, and a chef, i gotta tell you, peeling three kgs of onions at a time makes you reconsider your views of genetic tampering. i doubt that the taste will be affected, if so, they probably won't sell. i wouldn't use them myself.
posted by Dillonlikescookies at 4:52 PM on February 3, 2008


That tearlessonoin tag thought it had an eternity of non-existent obscurity and then you bring it to life and burden it forever with a one paragraph, in ten-years-time article. Shame on you.
posted by meech at 5:03 PM on February 3, 2008


The breakthrough was featured in the December issue of Onion World, the international onion trade journal.

Shoddy reporting by the NYT.

Everybody outside the US knows that Onion World is just the international edition of The Onion.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:06 PM on February 3, 2008 [3 favorites]


Now that we can cross "no-tears onions" off the todo list, erasing child poverty can't be too far behind.
posted by survivorman at 5:33 PM on February 3, 2008


Are we to reduce all human existence to a muted experience of non-discomfort? How will we distinguish comfort without discomfort, pleasure without pain? Is our future to be inevitably anhedonistic as the natural result of gradually removing all irritation from our sensation?

I agree. I'm already preparing myself for the rebellion against the coming nightmarish sterility of this tear-free future by hitting my dick with hammer whenever I cut onions.

It's the secret to a fulfilled life that they don't want you to know about.
posted by Greg Nog at 5:36 PM on February 3, 2008 [2 favorites]


Careful with that hammer, Greg.

If you miss & hit one of your balls, that can really smart.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:53 PM on February 3, 2008


oh, for pete's sake - keep your mouth shut when you're cutting them

seriously - it works
posted by pyramid termite at 6:17 PM on February 3, 2008


Bread in the mouth works, as well as cutting them under water (my favorite).
posted by eclectist at 6:26 PM on February 3, 2008


keep your mouth shut when you're cutting them ... seriously - it works

Really, pt? For me it's the opposite: if I make a point to breath through my mouth (no mouth-breather jokes, please) when I'm cutting onions, and NOT my nose, I find there's no tears.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:26 PM on February 3, 2008


weird - well, that's what i was told and it works for me

cutting them under water sounds good, too
posted by pyramid termite at 6:32 PM on February 3, 2008


You mena not everyone has one of these in the kitchen? (Great for changing diapers too.)
posted by IronLizard at 6:50 PM on February 3, 2008


yeah, until your kid grows up to become some kind of hazmat fetish freak who can't get it on without a gas mask
posted by pyramid termite at 7:14 PM on February 3, 2008


Those fuckers just went and ruined my very favorite accordion joke.
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:22 PM on February 3, 2008 [2 favorites]


Somebody's bee reading too much Freud.
posted by IronLizard at 7:23 PM on February 3, 2008


Those fuckers just went and ruined my very favorite accordion joke.

ha ha! I like that one too!! "Nobody cuts an onion when the accordion player cries!"

No, wait, wait, I told it wrong... uh, "The accordion player cries when... nobody cuts an..."

Aww, hell.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 7:33 PM on February 3, 2008


Somebody's bee reading too much Freud.

Yeah, some of these beekeepers really need to give their bees something else to read. Maybe a little Sartre, or some Wittgenstein.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 7:36 PM on February 3, 2008


Sartre's got my vote. Especially Bee-ing and Nothingness.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:46 PM on February 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


What they really need to do is turn off the gene in onions (and beans) that make you fart.

Either that or remove the stink.
posted by bwg at 7:48 PM on February 3, 2008


Yeah, some of these beekeepers really need to give their bees something else to read. Maybe a little Sartre, or some Wittgenstein.

Sartre got it on in a gas mask?
posted by IronLizard at 8:07 PM on February 3, 2008


I swear, honey, I do not hate you and want a divorce. It's just the onions. What?
posted by dhartung at 8:31 PM on February 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


Thsi is great! Every thursday i read the onion and cry and now i am heading to amsterdam and do not have
posted by vrakatar at 10:30 PM on February 3, 2008


Thsi is great!

Thta is even better!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 10:33 PM on February 3, 2008


Thta > thsi. Got it. Thanks, f-jacks. Lost without you. Your faithful servant etc. etc., vrak.
posted by vrakatar at 11:05 PM on February 3, 2008


I'm just here to help, vrak, baby! Luv ya!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 11:21 PM on February 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


wait... there's an entire journal dedicated to onions?
posted by Trakker at 11:25 PM on February 3, 2008


Trakker, there is a magazine called "Sheep!" and it is not for zoophiles nor dictators. It is for people who raise sheep. What do you think of thta?
posted by vrakatar at 11:29 PM on February 3, 2008


There's a journal for just about every vegetable or animal that can be commercially grown or raised. It's not thta surprising, when you think of it.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 12:26 AM on February 4, 2008


Meh, if they just came out with seedless bananas, we'd act the same way. We've been making food more convenient for a loooooong time.
posted by Lord Chancellor at 1:36 AM on February 4, 2008


as a new zealander, and a chef, i gotta tell you, peeling three kgs of onions at a time makes you reconsider your views of genetic tampering.

3kg? Weak sauce! I used to have to do them by the 10kg sackload, and I'm not even a chef. I can't even cook. And my NZ accent is fake.

Still, genetic tampering is cool. Perhaps what we need is an onion that does the crying for you.
posted by Sparx at 2:50 AM on February 4, 2008


WTF!?!? We can make a tearless onion but we can't catch Osama Bin Laden?

I want them to genetically engineer a tomato that's actually a vegetable, and not a weak effeminate fruit.
posted by XMLicious at 3:03 AM on February 4, 2008


You're gonna cry 96 Tears.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 3:10 AM on February 4, 2008


Does that mean sad songs are no longer nature's onions?
posted by aldurtregi at 4:52 AM on February 4, 2008


cue mass production of GMO onion around the world, more farmers off of farms, and (further) economic collapse in Vidalia.

then, after ten years, cue insect devastation of the onion stock.
posted by eustatic at 9:15 AM on February 4, 2008


Cutting onions makes you tear up? Turn on the vent hood to draw the offending fumes away. Works in the Northern Hemisphere, anyway.
posted by Daddy-O at 9:15 AM on February 4, 2008


from the article: by turning off the gene that produces the enzyme that causes a person slicing an onion to cry.

So I gotta modify my gene expression for these stupid onions. Feh!
posted by Mental Wimp at 11:55 AM on February 4, 2008


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