Comments on: I Can't Do That Dave, now put your pants back on

I Can't Do That Dave, now put your pants back on

wendell — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 02:43:52 -0800

In what may be the silliest poll ever taken, British women say Men Named Dave are Most Likely to be "Well Endowed". There's a whole "Top 10" and "Bottom 10" list of names... see how you stack up. The people who did the survey do this kind of thing for companies to get publicity. It works pretty well.

This one was done for an online dating company, UK Dating, but the pollster got most of the publicity. Previously, for the same client, they surveyed for Names of Men Most Likely to Cheat (very UK-centric result). A beverage company commissioned The Most Common Lies and they've done a lot of other mostly useless surveys. Please note that Matt and Wendell did not appear on either list (but my condolences to Josh, #7 on the "little" list).

By: jtron

jtron — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 02:56:40 -0800

Ray Smuckles and his representatives are not going to be amused by this.

By: Astro Zombie

Astro Zombie — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 02:56:43 -0800

These are the Daves who grow, who show These are the Daves I know

By: stereo

stereo — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 02:59:48 -0800

Pseudo-polls from The Sun and The Daily Mail? That's what passes off as FPP material these days?

By: influx

influx — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 03:00:53 -0800

Ban this sick filth.

By: PeterMcDermott

PeterMcDermott — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 03:06:50 -0800

mathowie ate my hamster!

By: cgc373

cgc373 — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 03:11:07 -0800

I propose the snark on this post be upgraded to include alternative candidates for "the silliest poll ever taken." I am unfortunately unable to provide any such upgraded snark, myself, due to unfamiliarity with poll-taking techniques and repositories, but I am confident in the Massed Power of MeFi to compensate for my shortcomings.

By: maryh

maryh — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 03:12:25 -0800

Any bets that the guy who owns this site is named 'Dave'?

By: biffa

biffa — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 03:13:38 -0800

heh heh ... shortcomings

By: Smart Dalek

Smart Dalek — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 03:26:16 -0800

MetaFilter is a British weblog. Americans here, whether Canadian or continental, are mere tokens. Perhaps we should all give up the international pretense. The truth is that MetaFilter, for those of us not lucky (or, to be frank, unluckly) enough to live in the U.K. or Scotland, is fast becoming a domestic concern with an ever-decreasing regard for what happens in the (enormous) rest of the world. Whereas (the few remaining) americans here are curious about Europe, Britons here seem boringly and predictably obsessed with themselves. Is isolationism the growing trend on this board? It certainly seems so. Say the word, by the way, and you can have it all to yourselves, no hard feelings.

By: wendell

wendell — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 03:31:25 -0800

Yes, the polls are crap, but I provide links to the company that does the crap polls, and takes proud credit for The World's Most Beautiful Women and The Ugliest Football* Player and I find that fascinating. YMWillV. *Soccer for youse Americans; I'm sure some players in the NFL could challenge these guys when they take the helmets off

By: Phanx

Phanx — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 03:34:45 -0800

Wendell's a Brit? Does he come from the UK - or Scotland?

By: maxwelton

maxwelton — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 03:38:06 -0800

Odd how the list of "endowed" names also seems to a list of the most common names.

By: hal9k

hal9k — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 03:43:40 -0800

I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.

By: wendell

wendell — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 03:50:42 -0800

Rumors that I am the love child of Margaret Thatcher and Benny Hill are totally unsubstantiated. And hal9k, read the post title. You indeed HAVE made an error.

By: Phanx

Phanx — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 03:51:57 -0800

I assumed it would be: 1: Dick; 2: Willie; 3: John Thomas; 4: Hampton. It's a shock to discover I am more literal-minded and vulgar than the average Sun reader.

By: Skorgu

Skorgu — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 03:52:53 -0800

Clearly the poll-takers weren't Coupling fans.

By: bwg

bwg — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 03:57:03 -0800

"And they won't say nowt about your personality neither. Which is good 'cause you're basically a bastard. Bollocks to your personality - this is what they're looking at, right? And I'll tell you summat, mate. Anti-wrinkle cream there may be, but anti-fat-bastard cream there is none."

By: louche mustachio

louche mustachio — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 04:21:12 -0800

Strange. I didn't see Hugh Jampton on that list.

By: longbaugh

longbaugh — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 04:24:44 -0800

I find this strange because every bloke I know has what would be classed as a large one, at least according to the official "average". Perhaps we just naturally gravitate towards one another. dave lokken

By: PeterMcDermott

PeterMcDermott — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 04:36:35 -0800

Say the word, by the way, and you can have it all to yourselves, no hard feelings. OK. See ya.

By: From Bklyn

From Bklyn — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 04:38:00 -0800

Yeah, well, whatever, all I know is my name is not Nick.

By: daveyt

daveyt — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 04:43:45 -0800

its true. i should know.

By: Mr Bismarck

Mr Bismarck — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 04:48:30 -0800

I'm disappointed the shortest name didn't go to "Justin."

By: Abiezer

Abiezer — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 04:49:39 -0800

This fails to shed any light on a major conundrum. How is it that despite having a name that suggests his penis is tiny, Richard Littlejohn is in fact an enormous dickhead?

By: jonmc

jonmc — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 04:55:26 -0800

No Peter?

By: cavalier

cavalier — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 04:56:14 -0800

I just want to thank Astro Zombie for making my comment for me so I didn't have to. <3.

By: dances_with_sneetches

dances_with_sneetches — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 04:56:22 -0800

Of course the gay names are the best endowed. Gay men invented penises. From Steel Magnolias: Clairee Belcher: All gay men have track lightin'. And all gay men are named Mark, Rick, or Steve. Steve (#3 on the list), Mark (#5), Richard (#9).

By: Eideteker

Eideteker — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 05:03:49 -0800

Which women have the biggest tits? Is it Rachel? Because she's got some pretty huge fuck puppies. TTIBWOP

By: davidmsc

davidmsc — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 05:04:24 -0800

SCORE!

By: wendell

wendell — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 05:11:21 -0800

Two hours and twenty minutes for somebody to notice the obvious double standard involved here. Congratulations, Eideteker, you get the "NOT SEXIST" immunity idol for this round...

By: veggieboy

veggieboy — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 05:12:51 -0800

This thread is useless without pictures.

By: goodnewsfortheinsane

goodnewsfortheinsane — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 05:21:39 -0800

Clearly the poll-takers weren't Coupling fans. Of course. Because no one is.

By: Brandon Blatcher

Brandon Blatcher — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 05:22:16 -0800

I got video, that ok?

By: jason's_planet

jason's_planet — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 05:31:21 -0800

Men named Jason are most likely to love the title of this post, no matter how silly the links might be.

By: RavinDave

RavinDave — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 05:32:33 -0800

Why exactly is this "silly"???

By: samsara

samsara — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 05:35:54 -0800

Scandalous!

By: The Deej

The Deej — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 05:42:23 -0800

Why exactly is this "silly"??? posted by RavinDave Is just IS ok? It's silly, stupid, and without merit to connect name with ANY physical attribute! -Puny McSmallerton

By: UbuRoivas

UbuRoivas — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 05:42:43 -0800

meh. those women obviously know nothing.

By: i_cola

i_cola — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 05:42:43 -0800

Wendell's a Brit? Does he come from the UK - or Scotland? No. I think he comes from New England - or Massachusetts.

By: daveleck

daveleck — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 05:45:17 -0800

Best FPP ever.

By: i_cola

i_cola — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 05:45:35 -0800

This one was done for an online dating company, UK Dating, but the pollster got most of the publicity. Previously, for the same client, they surveyed for Names of Men Most Likely to Cheat (very UK-centric result). I'm surprised that a survey for a company called UK dating would have a very UK-centric result. Is there no normality left in the world any more?!?

By: Bromius

Bromius — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 05:46:21 -0800

I just knew Darren Stephens was sleeping around on Samantha!

By: From Bklyn

From Bklyn — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 05:49:08 -0800

Did I mention my name's not Nick? 'Cause it' s not. It's also not Dennis or Barry.

By: longbaugh

longbaugh — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 06:09:09 -0800

The joke of it is that Paul means "small". DOUBLE BLUFF MOTHERFUCKERS.

By: iconomy

iconomy — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 06:10:07 -0800

No wonder Dave is so Happy.

By: not_on_display

not_on_display — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 06:20:04 -0800

"It's me, Dave, open up, man, I got the stuff." "Dave's not here!" Both my first and middle name are on the big schlong list. Psych!

By: flotson

flotson — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 06:22:12 -0800

The relevant Wikipedia article fails to weigh in on this topic, but does note that "Compared to other primates, even larger primates such as the gorilla, the male human genitalia are remarkably large. The human penis is both longer and thicker than that of any other primate both in absolute terms and in relative size compared with the rest of the body." What about gorillas named Dave?

By: Brandon Blatcher

Brandon Blatcher — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 06:27:19 -0800

What if a guy is named Dave Paul? Barry Dennis? or Dave Dennis?

By: Ufez Jones

Ufez Jones — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 06:30:55 -0800

This thread is useless without pictures. Here you go, veggieboy.

By: Eideteker

Eideteker — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 06:31:42 -0800

No wonder Che Guevara always looks so angry in pictures. What's that? Ohhhhh, right. I always get those two confused.

By: bobbyone

bobbyone — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 06:32:07 -0800

This is brilliant. Surely penis size is biological, yet your name is given to you by your parents. I assume that means nowadays, parents are looking at their little boys love bits, and giving a name accordingly. Excellent. I can't wait for Dave Junior. Ahem

By: teleskiving

teleskiving — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 06:45:08 -0800

A UK cable channel recently changed its name to Dave. Coincidence?

By: probablysteve

probablysteve — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 06:46:58 -0800

This is probably true.

By: creeky

creeky — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 06:48:02 -0800

Two hours and twenty minutes for somebody to notice the obvious double standard involved here. Congratulations, Eideteker, you get the "NOT SEXIST" immunity idol for this round... Ah, I see, so this isn't just a crappy post, it's Making a Point! That's OK then.

By: The Bellman

The Bellman — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 06:52:05 -0800

So that's what this movie is about. I gotta watch it again . . .

By: vbfg

vbfg — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 07:04:04 -0800

A UK cable channel recently changed its name to Dave. It shows nothing but Jeremy Clarkson too.

By: Foosnark

Foosnark — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 07:05:43 -0800

As a Dave, I wholeheartedly endorse this obviously extremely scientific, bulletproof study.

By: Mocata

Mocata — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 07:12:25 -0800

As a Brit, I execrate this post and thread.

By: thewalrusispaul

thewalrusispaul — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 07:18:43 -0800

Did anyone else snicker to themself, on some junior high school level as they read the name, that the place doing this survey is called OnePoll?

By: nebulawindphone

nebulawindphone — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 07:22:39 -0800

This fails to shed any light on a major conundrum. How is it that despite having a name that suggests his penis is tiny, Richard Littlejohn is in fact an enormous dickhead? And while we're at it, how'd Little Richard wind up as some kind of sex symbol, huh?

By: aramaic

aramaic — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 07:22:53 -0800

LOLSEXAMIRITE? ...sorry I had to do that, but c'mon.

By: mikeo2

mikeo2 — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 07:37:41 -0800

As a "Mike", I find this study inaccurate based on the sample size being too small...

By: koeselitz

koeselitz — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 07:38:11 -0800

It is a measure of the self-loathing of Americans that even now, when the notion is so clearly given the lie, when we've been so blatantly surpassed in this arena, we still regard ourselves as having the lowest standards of journalistic integrity on earth.

By: jonmc

jonmc — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 07:39:40 -0800

I can't think of any well-hung porn legends named 'Dave,' but there's a few legends with [cough] a certain name...I'm just saying.

By: nowonmai

nowonmai — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 07:44:20 -0800

Oh great. Even more high expectations for me to fail to live up to.

By: dwivian

dwivian — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 07:45:17 -0800

As another Dave, I have to endorse this study! It has been shown by American exit polsters that asking people what they think is an ironclad way to determine facts in the world.

By: koeselitz

koeselitz — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 07:46:04 -0800

Phanx: Wendell's a Brit? Does he come from the UK - or Scotland? i_cola: No. I think he comes from New England - or Massachusetts. One can't blame us USians for forgetting that the U in UK isn't just rhetorical.

By: Abiezer

Abiezer — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 07:48:28 -0800

We must thank Rupert Murdoch and his transnational adventures, koeselitz. He has universalised a brand of particularly mean-spirited and cynical agenda-driven lowest common denominator infotainment the whole English-speaking world can share in.

By: koeselitz

koeselitz — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 07:49:02 -0800

dwivian: It has been shown by American exit polsters that asking people what they think is an ironclad way to determine facts in the world. Oh sure, exit polls have been time-tested and proven by experience. But I don't know about entrance polls like this one.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 07:55:27 -0800

I would have expected the top 10 to be, like, Tyrone and Jamal, and the bottom 10 to be, I dunno, Chang and Eng. ... or some shit.

By: jonmc

jonmc — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 08:02:08 -0800

bottom 10 to be, I dunno, Chang and Eng. Well, Siamese twins have to share a johnson, so it's natural they'd be on the stubby side.

By: CitizenD

CitizenD — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 08:15:04 -0800

i for one can attest, based on last night's WILD RIDE: jeremy's do NOT belong on the "shortest" list. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

By: sunshinesky

sunshinesky — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 08:32:26 -0800

funny, the smallest penis I've ever seen belonged to a dave...

By: Sys Rq

Sys Rq — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 08:44:45 -0800

Everybody Pities Raymond.

By: aftermarketradio

aftermarketradio — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 09:16:52 -0800

No wonder Letterman always has that wry smirk on his face.

By: mr_crash_davis

mr_crash_davis — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 09:29:32 -0800

It's also not a surprise that men named Ray, Brian, Nigel, Frank, Keith, Jeremy, Josh, Barry, Dennis, or Nick are more likely to drive Corvettes or Hummer H2s.

By: Meatbomb

Meatbomb — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 09:48:15 -0800

Word on the street has it that the most intense penises belong to men named Thomas. Whether that's a good or bad quality for a penis to have, I don't know.

By: zennie

zennie — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 09:54:20 -0800

The vital question is, do 30 Helens agree?

By: pax digita

pax digita — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 10:08:37 -0800

A UK cable channel recently changed its name to Dave. Coincidence? Maybe somebody remembered the beginning of a David Lee Roth video..."Daaaaave TV!"

By: Danf

Danf — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 10:29:25 -0800

Well at least I made the top 10. Barely. Whew!

By: LordSludge

LordSludge — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 10:59:06 -0800

Penis.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 11:14:17 -0800

Dave.

By: RavinDave

RavinDave — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 11:18:46 -0800

Doctor told me not to lift anything heavy, so I gotta sit down to pee. I'm so well-endowed ... I got a FIVEskin.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 11:25:05 -0800

By the way, I notice their top 10 cheater names list shares 6 out of 10 names with the biggest penis list (Dave, Steve, Mark, Rob[ert], Andy, Richard), but zero of the names with the small penis list. COINCIDENCE?

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 11:31:30 -0800

Wait, it's even worse, when we include their top 20 cheaters, we get 9 out of 10 names from the stallion list, but still zero from the baby corn list. I guess all that spam was right, big schlongs lead to more options.

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 11:36:13 -0800

... or worse morals. Either way. Hah, Chang and Eng, geddit?

By: thinkpiece

thinkpiece — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 12:34:37 -0800

I love a Dave, and now everybody knows why.

By: Nick Verstayne

Nick Verstayne — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 12:52:16 -0800

You folks can just call me by my last name from now on. Thanks. Unless, of course, you don't understand.

By: davejay

davejay — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 12:58:17 -0800

I feel my best course of action here is simply to make sure my real-name-based pseudonym shows up in this thread, and let the speculation go from there.

By: Dr. Curare

Dr. Curare — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 13:14:07 -0800

What traits do well endowed men inherit to their female children?

By: prototype_octavius

prototype_octavius — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 13:15:28 -0800

Dave? I am, and I do!

By: OverlappingElvis

OverlappingElvis — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 13:19:43 -0800

Well, shit. I'm on the short list.

By: mr_crash_davis

mr_crash_davis — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 15:44:49 -0800

"What traits do well endowed men inherit to their female children?" Incestual time travel.

By: bwg

bwg — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 16:31:44 -0800

These are the Daves I know, I know ...

By: Smedleyman

Smedleyman — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 16:41:44 -0800

My buddy's cat is named Dave. Huh. Always wondered why he couldn't clear the couch.

By: Dr.Pill

Dr.Pill — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 16:45:35 -0800

Hello Dave. Is that Dave?

By: crossoverman

crossoverman — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 19:53:03 -0800

I'm on the short list. I'd be outraged, except I know I have a giant cock. A nice surprise for anyone who takes this list seriously... and then goes down on me.