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Men from Nantucket need not apply
February 5, 2008 7:27 AM   Subscribe

The man who runs xkcd
has created the LimerickDB.
Though often quite dirty
There are more that are nerdy;
If you check out the best ones, you'll see.
posted by kyleg (88 comments total) 81 users marked this as a favorite

 
Awesome.
posted by Dr-Baa at 7:31 AM on February 5, 2008


But I thought the guy from xkcd was funny.

(That said, a few of the meta-limericks are good. Like this one:

There once was a gal from Peru
whose limericks stopped on line two.)
posted by DU at 7:32 AM on February 5, 2008 [1 favorite]


Some nerds on the http
believe that they're poets, you see.
But their sense of timing
is worse than their rhyming
and the meter goes completely to shit by the end, we agree.
posted by Partial Law at 7:38 AM on February 5, 2008 [34 favorites]


"The limerick's structure somewhat
necessitates *eloquent* smut.
If you haven't the time
to learn meter and rhyme,
then don't write them, you ignorant slut. "
posted by Dr-Baa at 7:40 AM on February 5, 2008 [16 favorites]


#53 isn't right. If "cotangent" rhymed with "nine" it would be better.
posted by notsnot at 7:41 AM on February 5, 2008 [2 favorites]


I think my take on Moby Dick was better than this one.
posted by Floydd at 7:51 AM on February 5, 2008


I agree.
posted by Dr-Baa at 7:53 AM on February 5, 2008


A filthy and foul-mouthed young man
Writes limericks like all-too-few can
Heaps of cunts, shit and cocks
For cheap, prurient shocks
But the fucking things rhyme and they scan
posted by Wolfdog at 7:56 AM on February 5, 2008 [18 favorites]


Oh goddammit. Yeah, #53 works.
posted by notsnot at 7:58 AM on February 5, 2008


There once was a man named Vegeta
Who thought he was quite a bit leeter.
Yet nine thou on the gauge
left him maddened with rage,
and he went and destroyed his own meter.


Thank you for this. Thank you so, so much.
posted by crunch buttsteak at 8:00 AM on February 5, 2008 [1 favorite]


My favorite:

A certified poet from Slough
Whose methods of rhyming were rough
Retorted "I see
That the letters agree
And if that's not sufficient, I'm through."
posted by Faint of Butt at 8:05 AM on February 5, 2008 [19 favorites]


There was a young lady from Bude,
Who went for a swim in the lake.
A man in a punt,
Stuck a pole in her ear,
And said you can't swim here it's private.
posted by Jofus at 8:07 AM on February 5, 2008 [24 favorites]


There once was a poet named Gunderson
Whose rhyme schemes were all very cumbersome.
With each botched refrain,
he'd be heard to exclaim,
"Oh, how do I get myself into these situations?!"
posted by martinrebas at 8:11 AM on February 5, 2008 [2 favorites]


The modern ones are novel, at least:

The army had intricate plans,
but found victory snatched from their hands.
"You've run out of time,"
said their foe, "because I'm
in ur base, and I'm killing ur mans."

Let's examine the memes of the day
I can haz Cheeseburger's okay
2 Girls gagging shit
sure beats Leeroy's lame bit
ORLY YA RLY NO WAI

posted by anthill at 8:13 AM on February 5, 2008 [6 favorites]


User seventeen-oh-two-two
Thought limerick 53 was poo.
Upon further reflection
He offered retraction--
His detraction he'd started to rue.
posted by MrMoonPie at 8:15 AM on February 5, 2008 [4 favorites]


Oh, thank fucking god-- another excuse for mefites to write nine hundred terrible limericks. I really look forward to this rest of this thread.
posted by dersins at 8:20 AM on February 5, 2008 [1 favorite]


There's a perl pragma joke on the front page of the site. He gets style points for that.
posted by sdodd at 8:23 AM on February 5, 2008


Previously. :P
posted by cowbellemoo at 8:28 AM on February 5, 2008


There once was a poster who wrote prose. Because he could do so in a very intelligent manner. When asked why he wrote a particular meta passage, he said that he did because he could never stand instruction in poetry when he was in high school. This was one of the reasons he never became an English major.
posted by BrianBoyko at 8:30 AM on February 5, 2008 [3 favorites]


Originally posted here..

There once was a man named Brock
Who had an unusual cock
his curious erection
was bent in a direction
'tween midday, and seven o'clock
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 8:33 AM on February 5, 2008


dersins says "thank fucking god"
'bout a limerick site that's quite odd.
His words should remind ya
Of a sandy vagina...
Oh shit--sexism--delete, mod.
posted by MrMoonPie at 8:40 AM on February 5, 2008


See-- case in point. If you're going to write a limerick to mock me, at least try not to write a shitty one.
posted by dersins at 8:43 AM on February 5, 2008


It's the ones with the math that I shun;
Those are far too abstruse to be fun.
By the time I detect
That the math is correct,
I have long since forgotten the pun.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 8:49 AM on February 5, 2008 [13 favorites]


Writing limericks can be oh-so-fun!
Can you count? Then the game has begun!
But please mind the meter,
or I'll stomp on your peter
With blinding hot rage of the sun.
posted by jquinby at 8:54 AM on February 5, 2008 [1 favorite]


I once had to write a bad poem for a high school creative writing class. I got a 100.

I'll sit on the sidelines.
posted by danb at 8:57 AM on February 5, 2008


I was fucking this girl a bit rougher--
But she had one peculiar druther:
"Stick it in my butt,
But I ask that you nut
On the face of dersins' mother.

(just kidding dude.)
posted by Citizen Premier at 9:01 AM on February 5, 2008


There was a man named Duck Phun
whose name formed a wonderful pun
involving some kittens
and sexual ambitions;
too bad my limerick's done.
posted by Citizen Premier at 9:04 AM on February 5, 2008 [1 favorite]


If you want to write limericks, first
You should master the type which is worst.
If you have a tin ear,
Or are called Edward Lear,
You should try rhyming first with first first.

Once you've done that, move onto type two
Where the word that rhymes last is quite new
This type is less dreary,
But would make Edward leery,
And don't work in the way that his do.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 9:04 AM on February 5, 2008


I was the limerick master in 6th grade.
posted by smackfu at 9:05 AM on February 5, 2008


MrMoonPie's shitty limerick
In dersin's craw will surely stick.
Limericks, trite?
Well, no-fuckin-shite.
No reason to be a dick.
posted by MrMoonPie at 9:06 AM on February 5, 2008 [1 favorite]



Great...

xkcd and limericks: The metafilter thread I have been waiting for for so long has finally arrived.

I guess dreams really do come true sometimes. (sniff)
posted by Jay Reimenschneider at 9:15 AM on February 5, 2008


Though mefites will frequently plan
to lim'rick as best as they can,
despite all their care
it's really quite rare
for any to properly scan.
posted by shmegegge at 9:15 AM on February 5, 2008 [1 favorite]


What
the
fuck
Metafilter?

There were some great ones in the last thread, yet these are all shit. Get it together!
posted by Burger-Eating Invasion Monkey at 9:16 AM on February 5, 2008


The database has me a-grin:
Here's a place to keep limericks! Win!
But without cottontail
It's a db of fail,
So that stuff better find its way in.
posted by cortex at 9:17 AM on February 5, 2008 [2 favorites]


iamb anapest anapest
iamb anapest anapest.
iamb anapest
iamb anapest,
iamb anapest anapest.

now with feminine rhymes for those who like the word Nantucket!

iamb anapest anapestic
iamb anapest anapestic.
iamb anapest
iamb anapest,
iamb anapest anapestic .
posted by shmegegge at 9:27 AM on February 5, 2008 [6 favorites]


The once was a poet named Fending,
Whose limericks were always offending.
While switching rules like an amateur,
Using imabic pentameter,
He wasn't scared to use a fem'nine ending.
posted by grumblebee at 9:28 AM on February 5, 2008


What the fuck, Metafilter?
Your rhymes are way off-kilter.
The old thread was a hit,
But this one's just shit.
If it was living, I'd kill `er!

posted by Dr-Baa at 9:29 AM on February 5, 2008


The awesome thing about this is that it's its own Rule 34.
posted by tommasz at 9:31 AM on February 5, 2008


There once was an obtuse fellow,
Who was a cashier so mellow.
"What's this?" he cried,
To which I sighed,
"Idiot, it's a fucking portobello."
posted by Dr-Baa at 9:36 AM on February 5, 2008 [3 favorites]


(just kidding dude.)

Really? You're really so upset that I think these limerick are shit that you're going to write a (shitty, by the way) limerick about ejaculating on my mother's face? Do you think that maybe means you have a little too much invested in your conception of your own (shitty, by the way) limerick-writing abilities?

Learn meter. Learn it well. Learn what it means to talk about a poem "scanning." Once you actually understand that, come back and write a limerick about ejaculating on my mother's face. If it's not shit, I might even laugh. As it is, I just kind of pity you.
posted by dersins at 9:42 AM on February 5, 2008


I kinda have to agree with dersins here. If your scansion is that lacking, just don't bother. Except, of course, for the ones where fucking with the scansion is the point.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:47 AM on February 5, 2008


I once spilled a plate of beans
It went all over my jeans
I threw them away
On Tuesday
I've no idea what this means.
posted by Dr-Baa at 9:47 AM on February 5, 2008 [2 favorites]


I don't agree with the abuse of Chilean Chinchillas presented on limerick #44.
posted by Memo at 9:52 AM on February 5, 2008


There was a young girl from Kilbride
Who ate fifty apples and died.

It was her mother who found the body;
She lumbered in through the back door
Like a caveman, weighed down with groceries
(including, ironically, a dozen apples –
For she knew how her daughter loved apples)
And called out: ‘Alicia! Alicia!’
And recounting the story to police later
She’d remember the tetchy edge to her voice
Because she had bumped her elbow
On the way out of the car
And there was a half-eaten bowl of cereal next to the sink
And she just felt like no one appreciated
All the work she did.
Al-ic-i-a!’
The way her cry seemed to die
Against the soft furnishings
Like the last muffled thump of a muted drum
The slow fission of her anger
As she waited for a: ‘Coming, Mum!’
The creak of the carpeted stairs
As she climbed
A vague unease building now
‘Alicia?’ inflected as a question
The frisson of transgression
As she twisted the cold plastic door knob
And entered a teenager’s room unbidden

The details become hazy here
Like a picture seen up-close,
She knows them all too well
Slack body slumped in black hoodie
Hair stuck up at Manga angles with dried puke
And that dreadful, caustic smell

The funeral was delayed by six long, deadweight days
While the coroner investigated
In the end, he declared it
‘A prank gone wrong’
The local newspaper printed a picture
Of her grinning
In a school production of the Lion King
And quoted her Headmistress
Who said:
‘Alicia was one of our brightest,
Most bubbly students. She was always
Willing to help. This is a tragic waste
Of a young life.’

A few days passed before
A national tabloid
Linked her death to a
Similar stunt on youtube
Where a Puerto Rican girl
Ate twenty boiled eggs before puking
Down her front.
It slammed the ‘craze’
Amongst ‘our nation’s teens’
For grotesque self-abasement
In a bid for online status.

But their feigned rage soon passed;

O young girl from Kilbride
Sometimes the apple bites back
Had you forgotten Eden’s dismal sting?
The bland facts of how we crumple and turn rotten;
Too much knowledge is a dangerous thing.
posted by RokkitNite at 9:55 AM on February 5, 2008 [19 favorites]


Okay, everyone who thinks the only requirement for a limerick is the rhyme scheme stand over here, against this wall.
posted by shakespeherian at 9:58 AM on February 5, 2008 [2 favorites]


Steganographical limerick:
A juxtapositional gimmick.
"Splash 'midst old fronds,
Frog enters pond."
O'Bash would be more patronymic.
posted by cortex at 9:58 AM on February 5, 2008


Oh boy! I can't wait to read more
Crap poesy from MeFites galore.
But since I'm too sick
To hack Limerick,
I'll hack loogeys, and go to bed. (....snore)
posted by not_on_display at 10:00 AM on February 5, 2008


The integral of zee-squared dee zee,
From 1 to the cube root of 3,
Times the cosine,
Of 3 pi over 9,
Is the log of the cube root of e.


No it's not. It's D times R cubed, or R-D-R-R. Get it? Har-de-har-har?

Jebus, you have no sense of humour. I'm outta here.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:02 AM on February 5, 2008 [1 favorite]


(I also considered

Methuselah puddle,
Amphibian scuttle.


but I was short a few words. Also, words-as-syllables in this strained analogy, since a seventeen syllable limerick would be in even worse taste than a haiku limerick.)

posted by cortex at 10:02 AM on February 5, 2008


Metareferences, in-jokes and flow
Are swell on the web 2.0,
So, xkcd,
A challenge for thee:
One for Poesy (Emmeline Fibonacci Nautilus Taylor Doctorow)!
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:16 AM on February 5, 2008 [2 favorites]


MetaFilter: in even worse taste than a haiku limerick.
posted by cgc373 at 10:23 AM on February 5, 2008


Limerick very brief;
Haiku lurks beneath.
"Bog,
Frog."
Basho begs relief.
posted by cortex at 10:44 AM on February 5, 2008 [3 favorites]


See? See?
posted by cortex at 10:45 AM on February 5, 2008


Massachusetts man
Self-serviced and satisfied
What next - ear canal?
posted by Wolfdog at 10:55 AM on February 5, 2008


One for Defend
I think, for more metamileage and greater griefing potential.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 11:05 AM on February 5, 2008


There once was a girl from Japan,
Whose limericks never did scan.
She said, with a grin,
"I just try to fit in,
Absolutely as many syllables in the last line as I possible can."

There once was a gal from Peru
whose limericks stopped on line two.


There's a sequel:

There was a young man of Verdun
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 11:11 AM on February 5, 2008 [2 favorites]


A girl I once woo'd said I'd tilt her
If something impressive I built her
I'm not good with my hands
So I made other plans
And posted to AskMetaFilter.

True story.
posted by StrikeTheViol at 11:13 AM on February 5, 2008


There once was an X from place B,
That satisfied predicate P,
He or she did thing A,
In an adjective way,
Resulting in circumstance C.


HA!
posted by tehloki at 11:17 AM on February 5, 2008 [5 favorites]


There once was a man from Crewe
Whose limericks stopped at line two

There once was a man from Verdun
posted by Flunkie at 11:28 AM on February 5, 2008


Oi, Flunkie, I just posted both of those!!
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 11:36 AM on February 5, 2008


There once was an i before e
except after consonant c
or sounding like "ay,"
like "neighbor" or "weigh.
It's really that simple, you see.
posted by shmegegge at 11:38 AM on February 5, 2008


Feisty felons whose heists are revered
Sovereign souls that society cheered
Either way, please admit
That your rule is forfeit
English vowels, let's be honest, are weird
posted by Wolfdog at 12:02 PM on February 5, 2008 [9 favorites]


It's also important not to forget that neither sheik seized either species of weird leisure.
posted by dersins at 12:10 PM on February 5, 2008 [1 favorite]


Squee. This is like everything I love about the internet. (Yes, I adore the silly and often terrible MeFi limericks, shut up.)
posted by Phire at 12:11 PM on February 5, 2008


There was a peculiar sestina
On love, by a woman named Mina.
Dubbed "Vladdy and Harker",
It spoke of them, starkers,
The Count fav'ring blood over weinah.

I apologize.
posted by cortex at 12:21 PM on February 5, 2008 [2 favorites]


All your cutesy exceptions aside,
(and I do not intend to deride)
I'll admit no such thing.
Without rules we will bring
about hasty destruction's fell tide.
posted by shmegegge at 12:31 PM on February 5, 2008 [1 favorite]


A faggot and dyke from Khartoum
Once found themselves locked in a room
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 12:37 PM on February 5, 2008 [3 favorites]


HAHAHA, ahhhh brightened my afternoon.
posted by hellslinger at 12:49 PM on February 5, 2008


Catherine's manner was famously snide
Poor servants! She'd chasten and chide
But for pleasures equine
She would gladly recline
She was prone, either way, to deride
posted by Wolfdog at 12:54 PM on February 5, 2008 [4 favorites]


god, it took me forever to figure out that cortex's limerick was supposed to have the word "weinah" pronounced "Vine-uh." now it makes much more sense.
posted by shmegegge at 1:04 PM on February 5, 2008


Actually, that was just a desperate and shameless Bostonization of "weiner" to shoehorn in a rhyme I hadn't thought through. But I appreciate the generosity.
posted by cortex at 1:09 PM on February 5, 2008


oh, I thought it was supposed to be like a transylvanian [NOT ROMANIANIST] saying Wine with an accent. like "Vinah! Ah. Ah. Ah. Two-ah! Ah. Ah. Ah."
posted by shmegegge at 1:25 PM on February 5, 2008


A truculent student of Zen
Revealed his insolence when
To sensei he bowed,
but uttered aloud,
"Ohayo gozaimasen."
posted by kurumi at 2:07 PM on February 5, 2008 [1 favorite]


A strapping young actor named Harris
Felt mortification in Paris
When a rip in his clothes
Saw his Hamlet exposed
As he stabbed an old man in the arras

An Eskimo, quite unconceited,
Had his modest proposal defeated
For a chocolate canoe;
He retorted: 'Oh poo –
Guess you can't have your kayak and eat it.'

A chaste farmer's daughter from Cheshire
Finally bowed to inordinate pressure
From her boyfriend to yield
They made love in a field
Till her Dad mowed them down with the thresher

An old poet who hailed from the Tyne
Wrote limericks with no last line.
When friends asked him: 'Why, man?'
He replied: 'Cos I can.'
posted by RokkitNite at 2:22 PM on February 5, 2008


After too many glasses of Spaten
In a famous old Munich biergarten
The man with the mo
Said "It's time to go;
Wir mussen die Juden ausraten!"
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:32 PM on February 5, 2008


some poetic licence taken there, with the spelling of "ausrotten", as a pronunciation guide for non-German speakers. "ausrotten" should be vocalised as if screamed from a podium
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:52 PM on February 5, 2008


A cheeky young mefite named Ubu
Got tired of links to YouTube, ooh!
So he penned a rhyme
'Bout genocide crime,
What an antisemitical boo-boo!
posted by UbuRoivas at 3:10 PM on February 5, 2008


A timetravelling hobo named Peaches,
Surfing history's great ethical breeches
Took der Führ for a fake
And asked, in his mistake,
"You know who else liked to give speeches?"
posted by cortex at 3:29 PM on February 5, 2008 [1 favorite]


Der Fuhrer did not know this meme,
Because tubes in those days were for steam.
He glared at the hobo,
Now dead as a dodo -
"Send Peaches to the ovens, with cream"
posted by UbuRoivas at 3:47 PM on February 5, 2008 [1 favorite]


Escaping a fate worse than awful
(three Nazis left dead in the scuffle!),
Our Peaches, still reckless
Tried ordering breakfast
From folks he mistook as Luftwaffle.
posted by cortex at 3:54 PM on February 5, 2008 [2 favorites]


Once a prolific mefite
Unsav'ry but gen'rally bright
Found a petering thread
And helped it go dead
with some "LOL holocaust amirite?"
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 3:59 PM on February 5, 2008 [1 favorite]


Limericks! Now that's my bag!
But I'm late to the thread, what a drag.
For it's clever and raucous
But I must go to caucus!
"Boufus?" retorted a wag.
posted by louche mustachio at 4:02 PM on February 5, 2008


I liked this one:

There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space].
posted by mazatec at 4:08 PM on February 5, 2008 [15 favorites]


*sigh* - and just as I was getting excited about inventing a new genre: Hitler limericks!

Ok, then. Here's a nerdy one more keeping with the original post (it might've been in the list, I didn't notice):

A mathematician confided
That a Mobius strip is one-sided.
And you get quite a laugh
If you cut it in half,
Coz it stays in one piece when divided!
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:48 PM on February 5, 2008


I wanted to write a series of limericks representing the inhabitants of all the oddly named towns on the Lake Shore Limited. I gave up at Rensselaer. But

There once was a gal from Schenectady
Whose defect was pure infant ecstasy.
People called her a sow,
But she's down to two now
Since her second cosmetic mastectomy.
posted by aws17576 at 7:58 PM on February 5, 2008


There once was this cat
who lived in a hat
with not mice
but lice...
drat.


(apologies to Geisel)
posted by FrotzOzmoo at 8:58 PM on February 5, 2008


OH HAI! LIMARIK KITTY
IZ IN UR THREDZ RITIN PRITTY POMEZ.
THER WUZ KITTIEZ FROM VENUS! HA HA!
CAN HAS CHEESEBURGER I?
posted by flotson at 11:18 PM on February 5, 2008


Limerick Kitties are bores.
Their compositions are eyesores.
Spell things right, won't you please?
And the burger with "cheez"...
NO. NO YOU CAN'T HAS. NOT YOURS.
posted by louche mustachio at 12:32 AM on February 6, 2008 [2 favorites]


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