Finish your plate please.

February 11, 2008 12:49 PM

The Twenty Worst Foods in America. There's something for everyone!
posted by monospace (143 comments total)

More like best.
posted by 1 at 12:53 PM on February 11 [8 favorites]

It must be really bad since the site has been restricted by my place of employment. Is 'menshealt' a euphemism for something that it is not or are my IT guys trying too hard?
posted by Gungho at 12:55 PM on February 11

Huh. So I can avoid the 20 worst foods in America by avoiding shitty chain restaurants? Who'd a thunk it?
posted by dersins at 12:56 PM on February 11 [9 favorites]

Hey guys, did you know that greasy food is high in fat? Thought I'd pass along that helpful tip I learned today from Men's Health.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:58 PM on February 11 [15 favorites]

Best - agreed.
#1 is basically poutine, minus the gravy, and it being cheese curd, and the Association Laitiers du Quebec has declared pouine to be one of nature's wonder foods.

Lots of calories = value for money in my book
posted by Flashman at 12:58 PM on February 11

Haven't eaten any of these, but MY GOD that pizza is something else - 2310 kcal for a 'personal' pizza!

Shame about the copy editing. Hard to believe that a single onion can wreak so much nutritional havoc, but batter and fry anything and serve it with a rich dipping sauce and your bound to do some damage.
posted by These Premises Are Alarmed at 12:59 PM on February 11 [2 favorites]

They may have a lot of calories and fat but any list about the worst foods in America that doesn't have pickled eggs and pickled pigs feet on it is lacking.
posted by TedW at 1:00 PM on February 11

Damn. I'm hungry now.
posted by orange swan at 1:00 PM on February 11

They've obviously never met Mr. Jimmy Dean.
posted by Rhaomi at 1:02 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

Bob Evans Caramel Banana Pecan Cream Stacked and Stuffed Hotcakes

could be a lost lyric from Rock Candy Mountain.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 1:02 PM on February 11 [8 favorites]

I was sick a few days last week and last 6 lbs, so I'm trying to get back to my normal weight. Thanks for the list!
posted by LordSludge at 1:02 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

Also, any list of the twenty worst web faux pas would have to include lists that require you to go to a new page for each item.
posted by TedW at 1:02 PM on February 11 [10 favorites]

last lost
posted by LordSludge at 1:02 PM on February 11

Oh man, now I"m really hungry. Who's up for some cheese fries?
posted by kalimac at 1:03 PM on February 11

I had Uno's pizza last year. It made me very damn happy. Also: Who would eat all of any of these? 2000+ calories? Jaysus.
posted by everichon at 1:04 PM on February 11

That turkey burger is one of the more unappealing things I've seen.
posted by ninjew at 1:04 PM on February 11

What, and no link to this thread?

The FGL is something like 21,000 calories. Granted, its not single serving item, but even at a suggested 10 people per, thats 2,100 calories.

I nominate Quinn's in seattle for "best tasting / worst for you" fries, which come with fondue and demiglaze, and an option to top it with foie gras for another $13.
posted by mrzarquon at 1:04 PM on February 11

You know, all of these 'meals' are served by average American chain establishments. Who knew that fast food was unhealthy?

But those Outback cheese fries with bacon... those are the best things ever invented.
posted by ninjew at 1:07 PM on February 11

Did anyone notice that the pictures of the food items make them look even worse? Each of them looked as if a cat had been eating it just before the picture was taken.
posted by Daddy-O at 1:07 PM on February 11 [5 favorites]

So, everichon, people actually like Uno's pizza? I don't think I have high standards, but I don't like their food at all. The pizza dough tastes like a donut. I know, 'pizza donut' sounds good, but really isn't.

Not a callout, I loves me some taco bell!
posted by These Premises Are Alarmed at 1:08 PM on February 11

They forgot Lunchables Mess With Your Mouth Chicken Dunks, which "which feature a "sour fizz" powder to sprinkle on chicken nuggets after they've been dipped in ketchup"...although, to be fair, these abombinations may have been taken off of the market by now.
posted by The Card Cheat at 1:09 PM on February 11

I nominate Quinn's in seattle for "best tasting / worst for you" fries

I had those fries. Basically, high-end poutine, and so good. So, so good. (I skipped the foie gras, although I'm sure it would be even better...) Best. Fries. Ever.

I don't think it was fondue (although I could be mistaken)-- I think it was just fontina cheese. Anyway, the portion size was reasonable and the amount of cheese and demiglaze was nowhere near as repulsively excessive as they appear to be in the photo of the Outback version.
posted by dersins at 1:09 PM on February 11

Who would eat all of any of these? 2000+ calories? Jaysus.
Yo.
posted by Wolfdog at 1:11 PM on February 11

What a stupid title. These aren't the "worst" foods, they're just very fattening.
posted by hjo3 at 1:12 PM on February 11

These all look very tasty. The only problem is that they're all four times as big as my average meal. You know what that means? Leftovers. Yum.
posted by wtdoor at 1:12 PM on February 11

Dangit! I have been told previously that when I got the bowl I was eating healthy, but now I gotta nix the rice too? Who keeps changing the health rules on me? Next week they'll say the pico de gallo has more X (x equalling some random bad thing) than two tortillas put together. I think they're just making this crap up as they go along.
posted by ZachsMind at 1:12 PM on February 11

That turkey burger looks like it's attempting to vomit itself out.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 1:15 PM on February 11 [4 favorites]

Also: I'm disappointed that the Garbage Plate didn't make the list, since by "worst" they clearly mean "most densely packed with fatty goodness."
posted by wtdoor at 1:16 PM on February 11

I wonder why they photographed the slice of pizza next to someone's bloody stool.
posted by Dr-Baa at 1:16 PM on February 11 [3 favorites]

These Premises, I will cheerfully admit to some low-ass standards, especially wrt to pizza. The best dollar-to-happy ratio I know of is available this local hole-in-the-wall that has a 1.5 slice + small soda deal for $2.25. Very bad pizza, but It's. So. Good.
posted by everichon at 1:17 PM on February 11

So instead of sugary flapjacks I can eat five egg mcmuffins? Noted.
posted by maxwelton at 1:17 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

Wolfdog, you missed my unspoken "...aside from hardcore cyclists." ;o)
posted by everichon at 1:22 PM on February 11

My guess is they picked chain restaurants to be applicable to a maximum of readers. No doubt your favourite local burger/sandwich/pizza place is just as bad for you.
posted by rocket88 at 1:22 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

I'm deeply disconcerted to learn that there is apparently a type of pizza that is more fattening than Pizza Hut's Cheese Lover's Plus. I'm still in the process of digesting the slice I had for lunch when I was at university 12 years ago.
posted by The Card Cheat at 1:24 PM on February 11 [4 favorites]

Your best, in some sense of the word best, value for the money is (trust me I used SCIENCE!) those Hostess fruit pies. At 50 cents per pie (I can get off-brand ones occasionally for 25 cents), if you spend the same on those as you do on one of these entrees you should be able to get around 10,000 calories with close to half of them from fat and the rest from sugar. Maybe double that for the pricier items. (But: REAL FRUIT FILLING!) Plus here's someone claiming the Hostess ones are vegan, so doubleplusgoodforya.
posted by Wolfdog at 1:27 PM on February 11 [2 favorites]

They forgot this.
posted by ninjew at 1:27 PM on February 11

(Sorry, excuse me, it's the Little Debbie ones that are allegedly vegan.)
posted by Wolfdog at 1:28 PM on February 11

Sorry to piggyback like this, but now I'm looking for a site. The site in question featured a dissection of a microwave breakfast, a breakfast featuring pancakes, bacon, scrambled eggs and lots more foodstuffs. I thought it was thesneeze.com and his Steve Don't Eat it! feature, but I can't find it there.

Anyway, I'd like to compare and contrast. Little help?
posted by soundofsuburbia at 1:36 PM on February 11

I laughed out loud at "On the Border Grande Taco Salad with Taco Beef." That is seriously stretching the definition of a salad!

soundofsuburbia, I bet this is what you're thinking of.
posted by danb at 1:39 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

I declare this thread to be delicious!

As for the foods, if you were to batter them, add bacon, and deep fry them, they would instantly go from "Worst" to "Most awesomest ever!".
posted by blue_beetle at 1:39 PM on February 11

I remember when the Rodale publications used to cross-market books about, like, organic gardening and off-the-grid living, instead of goddamn diet books about goddamn convenience foods.
posted by box at 1:39 PM on February 11

The Card Cheat's link to the kid's pre-packaged meals made me very sad. Dude, people create these FOR KIDS, and then people buy them FOR KIDS and then kids eat them. They're barely food. Crackers and cheese? Why can't you put those in a tupperware for a kid? The packaging on those alone is abhorent.
posted by agregoli at 1:40 PM on February 11

Ah, danb beat me to it. Just looking at that thing makes me feel greasy. I had Denny's this Sunday morning, while nursing a hangover, and I can't imagine anything worse. And yet, there it is.
posted by uncleozzy at 1:41 PM on February 11

This whole list was really pointless, since their major beef (heh) with every food item seemed to be the amount of food, not the food itself. Newsflash, the waiter just brings the food to the table, he doesn't stand there and cram it down your throat until it's gone. The only people I know who actually eat that much food are young male athletes.

So we have a random list of things. Things that are actually good for you, in the sense that they offer a lot of nutritional content for the calories, like a hefty burrito. And things that are actually quite bad for you, in the sense that they offer no nutritional content, like a deep fried onion.
posted by crackingdes at 1:42 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

Potted Meat Food Product

Pork Brains in Milk Gravy
posted by kirkaracha at 1:42 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

Any such post is incomplete without a link to the Hungry Man All Day Breakfast.
posted by Clave at 1:44 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

Pork Brains in Milk Gravy

Just looking at that picture gave me chest pains.
posted by Dr-Baa at 1:45 PM on February 11

Considering the reaction Metafilter usually shows towards obesity, some of the responses in this thread are very puzzling. I can only imagine that all of you have the hearts of 20-year-olds and don't yet have to think twice about cardio issues. Enjoy it while you can!
posted by Dave Faris at 1:46 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

danb: Thank you ever so much! That's the one!
posted by soundofsuburbia at 1:46 PM on February 11

Carl's Jr.: Fuck You, I'm Eating.

Also, if anyone finds themselves in Portland, ME, Duck Fat has poutine made with fries fried in (I'm not making this up) duck fat, with duck gravy, which is the awesomest thing ever.
posted by rusty at 1:55 PM on February 11

I've eaten a few of those and loved them. But, yeah, most look terrible.

What about the Bennigan's Monte Cristo? It is deadly & delicious.
posted by papakwanz at 1:56 PM on February 11

As a kid I absolutely hated cheese. That early health decision has shielded me from abominations like these. There is a strong primitive reaction towards grilled, salty, meaty -- but all of the worst offenders are neutered with by having too much yucky cheese. When I have kids, I'll teach them that cheese is cow snot, for their sake.
posted by Free word order! at 1:56 PM on February 11

OK, I won't lie, I've eaten an entire order of Outback cheese fries before. Theyre even better if you dip them in ranch (seriously).

I'm 6'5, 180, so they can't be THAT bad, right?
posted by T.D. Strange at 2:01 PM on February 11

Also, if anyone finds themselves in Portland, ME, Duck Fat has poutine made with fries fried in (I'm not making this up) duck fat, with duck gravy, which is the awesomest thing ever.

I've been looking forward to having duck fat fries since reading that this is the most delicious way to make french fries. I wouldn't put such a delicacy in the same category as the abominations people are discussing in this thread, though.
posted by vacapinta at 2:02 PM on February 11

What's bad is the shameless promotion of the book advertised [eat this not that] by the author of this very article. Busted.

Bloody Best list agreed. Yummmm.

I LOVE CARL'S. This Carl's, I mean...they aren't that huge.
In fact, I had 2 double burgers with cheese. The second one, I added bacon and a chocolate shake and large fries. YUMMMM./
i was starving at the time.

Gimme some Poutine to boot also.

Now, I'm hungry./

I noticed the salt content of some of these yummy dishes is enough to kill a cow./ wow. They neglect to mention the salt content in some cases probably because it's off the scale. Daily salt recommendation...

They need to stop with the deep fried is bad though. The oil doesn't soak into your food if it's at the right temperature. Period. So shaddup aboutit.
Next, it's about the portions. A portion of anything is the size of your palm. Believe it./

Now I'd like to have Chili's Chocolate Chip Paradise Pie with Vanilla Ice Cream.

I love the food in the US. I wish we had Steak'n Shake in Canada. And a Carl's, damnit. Guess I wouldn't be my svelte 168lbs much longer though. *snif*snif*
posted by alicesshoe at 2:06 PM on February 11

Hungry Man "All Day Breakfast"

Doesn't quite measure up with the calories of the top twenty, but look at that cholesterol! That's got to count for something, right?
posted by fusinski at 2:10 PM on February 11

I can only imagine that all of you have the hearts of 20-year-olds and don't yet have to think twice about cardio issues. Enjoy it while you can!

I especially enjoy the heart of a 20-year-old diced with potatoes and fried in duck fat. Yummo!!!
posted by False Dichotomy at 2:11 PM on February 11 [4 favorites]

Oh crap, someone beat me to it. I suck.
posted by fusinski at 2:11 PM on February 11

There are two ways to make a Chipotle burrito healthy enough to eat:

(1) 86 the rice and tortilla and request your meat, vegetables, and beans served in a bowl, or
(2) Bring a friend and saw the burrito in half.

I can't speak to most of the other meals in this list, but they ain't fucking wrong about #2 here. I don't order Chipotle burritos anymore, because I'm embarrassed that I can eat less than half of one before it utterly defeats me.

It is just way too much food.
posted by quin at 2:15 PM on February 11

Why isn't it "Carl Jr's."?
posted by Jay Reimenschneider at 2:16 PM on February 11

I can't speak to most of the other meals in this list, but they ain't fucking wrong about #2 here. I don't order Chipotle burritos anymore, because I'm embarrassed that I can eat less than half of one before it utterly defeats me.

If I eat more than half of a Chipotle burrito, I am in pain for the rest of the day. My wife, on the other hand, utterly destroys these things like nobody's business. Talk about embarrassing. And she's in way better shape than I am.
posted by fusinski at 2:19 PM on February 11

Last time I hauled myself over to Charlottesville it was for the express purpose of getting Chipotle burritos. "Three" turned out to be the correct number. (Carnitas, hot salsa, sour cream, cheese).
posted by Wolfdog at 2:21 PM on February 11

I refuse to believe that Crab Stuffed Shrimp wrapped in bacon in a cream sauce does not make it on that list somewhere. They're just not looking hard enough.
posted by shmegegge at 2:22 PM on February 11

[Close-up of can of Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy]

[Slow zoom out and pan up to retro-tacular cheesy guy in a suit, smiling ear to ear]

"Pork brains in a thick milk gravy, from Armour! For when eating spoonfuls of margarine sounds too darn healthy!"

[Cue campy jingle and footage of frighteningly happy children dropping their margarine-laden spoons, scampering excitingly to the can and inspecting it with near-religious wonder]

[Fade to black]
posted by CKmtl at 2:26 PM on February 11 [2 favorites]

Also: I'm disappointed that the Garbage Plate didn't make the list, since by "worst" they clearly mean "most densely packed with fatty goodness."

A colleague once subjected me to a Garbage Plate at Nick Tahou's. Let me tell you, I was practically undead after that culinary experience. Yecch.

Also, let's not knock the Chicago-style pizza. Only proper way to eat spinach, as far as I'm concerned.
posted by thomas j wise at 2:28 PM on February 11

Where's magret de canard on that list? Duck fat is soooo tasty... really.

Heck, I do cardio almost every day so I don't have to do silly things like count calories and weigh everything I cook in one of those silly kitchen scales. I think I'm the better for it, all in all.
posted by clevershark at 2:29 PM on February 11

Chipotle built a business selling San Francisco-style burritos to the rest of the world.

Since they're a chain store it isnt hard to get that calorie info. It does make me wonder about all the actual SF taquerias such as Farolito, whose own burritos must surely be a massive calorie load.
posted by vacapinta at 2:32 PM on February 11

But those Outback cheese fries with bacon... those are the best things ever invented.

Heck ya! All that article did was make me want cheese fries ASAP!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:33 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

Why isn't it "Carl Jr's."?

I can't remember where this was covered, but it's because it's not "a restaurant belonging to Carl Jr.", it's a junior version of "Carl's".
posted by blue_beetle at 2:33 PM on February 11

Carl Jr's
posted by blue_beetle at 2:35 PM on February 11

as I read this I am sipping from a 40 of OE and eating Herr's Buffalo Wing Flavored Pork Rinds that I'm spraying with Kraft Sharp Cheddar Easy Cheese. They both taste good to me. I quite frankly don't care if some health/taste Nazi dosen't like it. In fact, it makes it even more enjoyable.
posted by jonmc at 2:38 PM on February 11

Considering the reaction Metafilter usually shows towards obesity, some of the responses in this thread are very puzzling.

Actually, I think it makes sense. There's one undeniably solid premise in the usual obesity shit-storm, and that's that everyone knows overeating is bad for you.

Same thing here. We already knew the bacon double greaseburger was unhealthy. We didn't need the lecture.
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:41 PM on February 11

They both taste good to me. I quite frankly don't care if some health/taste Nazi dosen't like it

Actually, the post is about calories which is more about the inescapable laws of physics not the subjective laws of taste.

Nevertheless, judging by your posts on this subject and meetup photos I've seen, you have managed somehow to defy these laws anyways.
posted by vacapinta at 2:41 PM on February 11

The best part of the knockoff versions of the Hostess fruit pies is on the ingredient label where it says lard and/or shortening and/or butter. Whenever I read that I get this image of tanker trucks full of mystery rendered fat driving up to a factory and pumping their goo into a giant vat. They don't even know what's in it from week to week because it contains whatever fat they could buy most cheaply.
posted by BrotherCaine at 2:43 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

Did anyone notice that the pictures of the food items make them look even worse? Each of them looked as if a cat had been eating it just before the picture was taken.

That's what food looks like when photographed.

Your false beliefs about what food looks like when photographed have been formed by advertising. Guess what? The objects you see in food advertising are generally inedible and may or may not have even started as food.

The slushy ice and beads of water you see on a photograph of a bottle of beer are some sort of gelatinous chemical gloop.

The sesame seeds are glued onto the bun.

The milk in the cereal pictures might be glue.

The syrup on the pancakes next to it could be motor oil.

But if you think they've fucked up your concept of what food looks like, think about what they've done to your perceptions of what people should look like.
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 2:43 PM on February 11 [23 favorites]

But if you think they've fucked up your concept of what food looks like, think about what they've done to your perceptions of what people should look like.

Soylent Green is people gelatinous chemical gloop.
posted by False Dichotomy at 2:46 PM on February 11

We already knew the bacon double greaseburger was unhealthy

Exactly. We know it's bad for us, we simply don't care. We'd rather enjoy the pleasures this world has to offer (which is one of the points of being alive, right?) rather than torture ourselves to meet some ridiculous ideal of health and beauty or have a few extra days in the old folks home. So whether it's fois gras, champagne and caviar or pork rinds, malt liqour and Twinkies, come grab and enjoy and fuck the goddam Puritans.

Nevertheless, judging by your posts on this subject and meetup photos I've seen, you have managed somehow to defy these laws anyways.

Nah. I have skin the color of pissed on snow, horrible acne, bad teeth and kidney stones, but I simply don't care. I view these as a consequence, not a punishment.
posted by jonmc at 2:48 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

Although I was recently seen advocating the attempted consumption of two dozen Krispy Kremes in the Green - and I stand by that - I personally would bail out at Hostess Fruit Pie #2. I'm on good terms with #1, certainly, but by the end of it I am not in any way motivated to extend the sequence.
posted by Wolfdog at 2:49 PM on February 11

it's called moderation, people. it's not like you're going to be eating a plate of outback aussie steak cheese fries every day.

For fuck's sake, any serious list would have listed this cholesterol bullet.

didn't we just do this thread a few days back with the Fool's Gold Loaf?
posted by mr_book at 2:50 PM on February 11

Your best, in some sense of the word best, value for the money is (trust me I used SCIENCE!) those Hostess fruit pies.

Bag of flour ftw. My science is superior.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 2:55 PM on February 11

Sorry, you can't beat the magical power of "in some sense".
posted by Wolfdog at 2:58 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

Hardee’s Monster Thickburger contains 2740 mg sodium* that’s got to earn some kind of gold embossed trophy belt of some sort.
*three times the lethal human dose I believe

I think they were trying to kill people. I got sick as a dog after eating there. It’s not just fatty, high in cholesterol, salt, all the good stuff, I think the meat is mostly lips and stuff.
Those black helicopters doing the cattle mutilations taking cow anuses? That’s right, Hardees*.

They’re the anti-Spock counterpart to Carl’s Jr in some sort of freak diagonal country splitting line, in sharp contrast to the more orderly and traditional north-south Masonic-Dixoneqsue lines represented by the Waffle House/International House of Pancakes division and Stuckey’s/ Howard Johnson lines or the White Castle/Krystal’s north south and In-N-Out Burger east/west split. I’m just saying: they’re not alone. Those black helicopters cost money.
posted by HVAC Guerilla at 2:59 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

If you go far enough south, you begin to enter Huddle House territory, where the menu reads like "Yew kin have grits; bacon n grits; eggs n grits; chipped beef n grits; eggs, grits, pancake n grits; grits, grits, sausage, grits n toast...."
posted by Wolfdog at 3:08 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

There's nothing wrong with eating any of these alleged foods provided you don't eat them more than once in a while.
posted by tommasz at 3:09 PM on February 11

You know, the thinking here isn't very solid. Focusing on fat and sodium counts is probably a complete waste of time. Sure, they can influence your overall diet but all that really matters is how much you eat in terms of total calories and getting the appropriate nutrients. Eating less fat and more protein is probably better but fat, as something to be religiously avoided, is way overrated. And no, there's nothing wrong with eating 1,000 calories in a sitting. Assuming you exercise somewhat regularly and that 1K - 1.5K calories is your big meal of the day then it's just perfectly fine. What really does people in are the completely empty calories in things like soda, junk food, and candy. This combined with the absolutely ridiculously large servings that Americans seem to love when they do take the time to eat real food is a recipe for disaster. The thing is, fast food isn't necessarily unhealthy. You could put together a healthy weekly/monthly diet based on the McDonald's menu and it always surprises me that McDonald's hasn't done this yet. There's probably a sizable chunk of people out there who would love to discover that they could eat fast food every night and if they eat exactly X, Y and Z then they'll even lose weight too. Well, I think they've already given up the whole super-sizing thing so it's only a matter of time.
posted by nixerman at 3:13 PM on February 11

dersins- While probably healthier for you than the Outback fries, I don't find myself craving outback fries like I do those luscious, luscious Fontina (you were right) & Demiglaze fries. They are probably a good 800+ calories a plate, and I could easily eat one by myself if no one was looking. And then drink more beer and go back for seconds.

Eating a stick of butter is probably worse for you than eating hollandaise, but hollandaise tastes so much better than you will probably consume it more often than said stick of butter. (especially since it is stick of butter + egg yolk, gotta get those omega-3s!).

Then again I am still awwed by the places that serve hamburgers with a fried egg on top.
posted by mrzarquon at 3:15 PM on February 11

Then again I am still awwed by the places that serve hamburgers with a fried egg on top.

Really? On the east coast most diners have that on their menu as a 'Texas Burger' (don't ask me why). It's really noit that far removed from a sausage, egg and cheese sandwich when you think about it. And like I said, no pleasure is worth forgoing for a few extra minutes pissing yourself in the geriatric ward.
posted by jonmc at 3:19 PM on February 11

That's the worst webpage designer in the world for thinking I'm going to click through 20 times.
posted by aerotive at 3:26 PM on February 11

Wolfdog gets it for the calorie/cent thing. Those fruit pies were my emergency rations, 55 cents for a days worth of calories. Always had a couple in reserve for "just in case" days.
posted by zengargoyle at 3:26 PM on February 11

They've utterly omitted all the crazy concoctions fryer cooks come up with when they're bored and there are strange/random ingredients in the kitchen. Deep fried cheesecake? Deep fried ale marinated sirloin steak? Deep fried omelette? With bacon? Glorious, albeit looking at any of those things makes you have a feeling of your ass getting huge. Tis strange...
posted by ZaneJ. at 3:28 PM on February 11

My loyalty's still with the steak and egg sandwich. Cheesesteak meat, mayo, fried egg, lettuce and tomato on a hoagie bun. I'm not sure they exist outside Pittsburgh in that particular permutation — they sure don't have them here in Texas. But when I was in Pittsburgh, they were ubiquitous.

I dunno. There's something wonderfully decadent about an excuse to eat mayonaise and fried egg at the same time. And they sure were the best thing going in calories-per-dollar. Then again, I never could understand the coworkers of mine who lived on them. Once I spent a week eating them for lunch and it almost killed me. Never again.
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:41 PM on February 11

Did anyone notice that the pictures of the food items make them look even worse?

Food never looks like the advertising photos -- you know, the ones where they glue on extra sesame seeds with a Q-tip and blow a little cigarette smoke on the food just before they snap it so it looks like delicious steam is coming off of it.

You've trained yourself not to notice that when you get the actual food it looks grayer, with less goodness and like somebody sat on it, but when you see these photos you contrast them with the marketing photos and not the real thing so your natural revulsion finally kicks in.
posted by George_Spiggott at 3:44 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

The puritans have said "No" to my request to fuck them. Pls advise.
posted by everichon at 3:47 PM on February 11

My loyalty's still with the steak and egg sandwich. Cheesesteak meat, mayo, fried egg, lettuce and tomato on a hoagie bun.

get rid of the lettuce and tomato and that sounds great. There's a place in the West Village that periodically offers an appetizer called rattlesnake Bites: a rosted jalapeno pepper stuffed with shrimp and cheese, wrapped in bacon and served with a tabasco sour cream dipping sauce. That's about as good as it gets, dude.
posted by jonmc at 3:47 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

its weird, I am east coaster, but I only started seeing them up here in seattle / portland. And it was usually under the title of "*insert pub/bar/septichouse name here* Burger" so I always thought of it as a northwest thing. (something so common that each place thought they had created it as their own, or had to do their own spin on it. TWO EGGS instead of ONE, etc.).
posted by mrzarquon at 3:47 PM on February 11

Belatedly it looks like TheOnlyCoolTim already said it.
posted by George_Spiggott at 3:47 PM on February 11

Re Chipotle Burritos:

Get chicken and order it "fajita style" (onion and pepper instead of beans) skip rice, sour cream, and cheese. Get plenty of your favorite salsa.

You'll end up with a burrito the size of your head for about 500-600 calories.
posted by sourwookie at 3:48 PM on February 11

Glycerin is a food stylist's best friend.

In photography school, we were taught that it was unethical to use non-food substances to replace food in photographs, but the hot lights are just murder on some things.

That infamous "Whipped Cream" album cover that we all fantasized over in the days before cable tv and internet porn? Shaving cream.
posted by Dave Faris at 3:49 PM on February 11

rattlesnake Bites: a rosted jalapeno pepper stuffed with shrimp and cheese, wrapped in bacon and served with a tabasco sour cream dipping sauce. That's about as good as it gets, dude.

Atomic Buffalo Turds are better. Hot smoked over hickory chunks for about an hour.
posted by False Dichotomy at 3:54 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

skip rice, sour cream, and cheese.

um, what's the ppoint then?
posted by jonmc at 3:54 PM on February 11

damn, jrun error ate my comment!

I'm from new england and I frequented a good amount of diners, and the texas burger never stood out. It may be because I kept seeing labeled as "insert bar name here"-Burger in portland and seattle that I thought it was a west coast thing. They also had sliced ham and cheese ontop of it, with option for bacon.

So it really was a breakfast sandwich +1/4lb of ground beef.
posted by mrzarquon at 3:55 PM on February 11

Is 'menshealt' a euphemism for something that it is not or are my IT guys trying too hard?

Who knows but this rag isnt exactly consumer reports. Click on the "Sex and Relationships" section for a free hint. Maybe you can print out "Top 10 sex tips" and copy the "How to please her" video onto DVD and show it to your boss. Surely evidence like that will topple those dullards in IT and make you our new cherished computer king!!
posted by damn dirty ape at 3:57 PM on February 11

Well, i thought it ate my comment. Then i realized that jonmc is just posting prolifically.

My loyalty's still with the steak and egg sandwich. Cheesesteak meat, mayo, fried egg, lettuce and tomato on a hoagie bun.

Drop the veggies, add some grilled or fried onions, and some spicy meat chili, and you are set. Make sure you use the mayo on the bun, to act as a moisture barrier so you have some structure to the sandwich.

Or go all out, and do the Balboa style steak sandwich (garlic bread + mozeralla + onions + steak) and then dip the whole bastard in some aus jus, and serve it with a side of aus jus and an apron.

Good thing I went to lunch before coming back to comment on this thread.
posted by mrzarquon at 4:00 PM on February 11

Dangit! I have been told previously that when I got the bowl I was eating healthy, but now I gotta nix the rice too?

My guess is you probably are eating healthier since in my experience when you order the bowl instead of the traditional burrito at both Chipotle and Baja Fresh, not only do they get rid of the tortilla, they give you about 1/3 of the normal quantity of ingredients as well. Oddly enough, at Baja Fresh, you get charged extra for this.
posted by The Gooch at 4:07 PM on February 11

I know that I eat some food that's bad for me because it tastes really, really good.
posted by waraw at 4:08 PM on February 11

mrzarqoun, take a look at the 'special heroes' section of this menu, which I order takeout from on a weekly basis. These guys know how to make a fucking sandwich.
posted by jonmc at 4:13 PM on February 11

You want a monster sized burrito? You have yet to speak of Gorditos.

Try this on for size. This is the grande, which is two tortillas.

Their normal sized one is about as big as a baby. They even have a pic to show you comparison when you order. (fwiw i just found them on flickr).

$7 buys you two meals and a midnight snack.
posted by mrzarquon at 4:16 PM on February 11

I don't think anyone will be shocked that these foods are high in calories, but what can be surprising is exactly HOW high they are.

The other day I got a tuna melt from a diner. I hadn't eaten breakfast, so I figured I could go a little crazy. I expected that with all the mayonnaise and cheese it would weigh in at about 500-600 calories, but when I later did a search on dietfacts.com and calorieking.com (and a few other sites I go to when I need to estimate calories), I discovered that the average tuna melt has between 800 and 1,000 calories.

Still, it was tasty.
posted by Evangeline at 4:18 PM on February 11

Those are some serious sandwiches. I do the miss the east coast italian sandwich place. I haven't found anything like that this way, in the serious " we don't fuck around when it comes to a sandwich" attitude.

They closed the steak house near my parents that was known for its garlic bread, which was the base of every sandwich they made also. Only place I knew that had real steak (instead of thin sliced roast beef) for their sandwiches, along with ostrich and buffalo meat as options. You would reek of garlic for atleast a day after eating there.

I think we've turned this thread into misc. food chat, which I am completely ok with.
posted by mrzarquon at 4:20 PM on February 11

Their normal sized one is about as big as a baby. They even have a pic to show you comparison when you order.

Awww!!! That baby looks positively delicious! Yes he does! Yes, he does! I could just eat him right up! Yes I could! Nom, nom, nom!

With hot sauce and a six-pack of something hoppy.
posted by False Dichotomy at 4:23 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

I do the miss the east coast italian sandwich place.

But you live in the city with the best Italian sandwich place in the country.
posted by dersins at 4:39 PM on February 11

dersins- I know, and but there is miles between those two culinary styles. The amazing italian food, and the "lets throw whatever we can find and cover in marina sauce" italian places. Each has its own category.

It's like putting the china king buffet and wild ginger in the same culinary category.
posted by mrzarquon at 4:49 PM on February 11

Fair enough.
posted by dersins at 5:15 PM on February 11

Those Outback fries are heck of tasty though.

Lunchables Mess With Your Mouth Chicken Dunks

For reals, Lunchables smell like a beer fart contest in a prison mortuary in Newark. I once visited my wife during lunchtime in her pre-school class, three or four kids had those things, I wanted to kill myself.
posted by Divine_Wino at 6:20 PM on February 11 [2 favorites]

How did the get a hold of my meal planner??
posted by hannahq at 6:28 PM on February 11

Oh my god, the Duckfat fries are like crack, you can't stop eating them. Silly's has some pretty decent fries as well. I had the Farmer Burger there last night (non-veg) and their fries are along the Duckfat vein. Yum!
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:41 PM on February 11

I love when the internet lectures me on whats good and bad for my body little some prattling little twat who took an extension course in "Healthy Eating 101." I'll be god damned if Outback isn't on my to-do list in the coming week.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 7:01 PM on February 11 [3 favorites]

Not meaning to be a geek-- well, actually I'm a total geek-- this post gave me a lot of great information. Some restaurant items really are deceptive, though most of these are pretty obvious. I'd like an article that focused on what is actually edible at these places.

I stopped eating out about a year ago. I've lost twenty pounds and my blood pressure is down from an alarming 150/90 to 130/ 80. And we cook french food at home.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 7:24 PM on February 11

Oh, man Waffle House FTW. You get a plate of hash browns, scrambled all the way (I think, I need to go south again). Hashbrowns, chili, cheese, onions, a few other ingredients I don't even remember.
Best. Breakfast. Ever.
posted by graventy at 7:54 PM on February 11

Request Blocked by URL Filter Database
Your request to URL "http://www.menshealth.com/20worst/" has been blocked by the URL Filter Database. The URL is listed under categories (Health, Provocative Attire, Sexual Materials), which are not allowed by your administrator at this time. The following reputation level was assigned to it: Neutral.

Denver Airport effing blows.
posted by bpm140 at 8:24 PM on February 11

The URL is listed under categories (Health, Provocative Attire, Sexual Materials), which are not allowed by your administrator at this time

Wait, the Denver airport doesn't allow you to access websites in the "Health" category? Explains this, I guess.
posted by dersins at 8:31 PM on February 11

Good thing I don't eat at shitty chain restaurants, then.
posted by OverlappingElvis at 8:33 PM on February 11

Graventy, next time you're at the Waffle House, ask for a "train wreck" order of hash browns. It's not on the menu, but most WH's know how to make it - basically a little of everything, including an egg scrambled into the mix.

I think it is a cruel and vengeful God that made nachos supreme taste sooo darned good, and plain, steamed broccoli so very blah and....green.
posted by Oriole Adams at 9:09 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

Well that's what you get for serving it plain. Throw some garlic butter on there for fuck's sake.
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:21 PM on February 11

I'm surprised nothing from The Cheesecake Factory is on this list. Their food CAN'T be nutritionally sound as is, plus I estimate each entree on the menu can feed a family of four. I got a salad there last friday that took me 3 days to finish.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 9:44 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

Outback Steakhouse Aussie Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing

Aw, how sweet! They use imported Australian cheese for this monstrosity of a dish that only an American would ever contemplate eating, because God knows I've never heard of such a thing here down under.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:12 PM on February 11

Denver Airport effing blows.

Oh, hadn't you heard? The place you wanna be for that sort of thing is Minnesota airport.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:15 PM on February 11 [2 favorites]

By coincidence, a powerpoint about this place in Germany just landed in my inbox.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:20 PM on February 11

What I thought was interesting was how easy it would be to make most of these things into -- if not healthy -- at least reasonable meals: divide them in half.

Particularly the Uno's pizza (one of the few things on that list that I've ever sat down and consumed, and damn if they're not tasty too) wouldn't be hard to cut in half and save for later. Most of the other ones wouldn't be impossible.

Maybe the solution is just to ask for half of it to be packed up as leftovers as soon as it's brought to the table.
posted by Kadin2048 at 10:30 PM on February 11

I actually used to work at a Chili's when I was 18. When I saw that list I knew the Awesome Blossom had to be on there. Chili's kept a book in the office with the nutritional content of the entire menu and reading it made me want to vomit. Nine years ago, the Awesome Blossom had 222 grams of fat according to the manual...I guess they've improved it somewhat to 203 grams. It was such a shocker, I still talk about that goddamn thing. What a shit job that was! Oh and fajitas and the chicken tenders were the second and third worse things on the menu although I can't remember in what order.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 10:43 PM on February 11

By coincidence, a powerpoint about this place in Germany just landed in my inbox.

Having once frequented this German bar and eatery in Manhattan, where my friends and I were wont to drink delicious Aventinus, I can tell you for a fact that drinking a single litre mug of tasty draft German beer is twice as awesome as drinking two 1/2 litre glasses of tasty draft German beer. I'm not sure I understand how awesome drinking a single 2 litre mug of tasty draft German beer would be, and an internet search won't even find me any 2 litre vessels that aren't $300 steins or modeled on "Das Boot" from Beerfest.
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 11:27 PM on February 11

The mugs are hard to find (you might have to start looking for novelty pitchers that resemble muges) but if you want a 2 litre pint glass here you go.
posted by mrzarquon at 12:49 AM on February 12

TheOnlyCoolTim...

If you haven't already you should check out Hallo Berlin. Run by the proprietor of the best street cart in the city, it's in Hells Kitchen, has some of the best wurst I've had outside of Germany, and delicious, delicious beer.

Main Website and surprisingly enough, a wikipedia article.
posted by zap rowsdower at 12:54 AM on February 12

This thread has me jonesing anew for a Priazzo. I wonder how one of those would stack up in terms of calories, fat, sodium etc.
posted by pax digita at 3:14 AM on February 12

When friends come to town, they invariably want to go get some "real" chicago pizza. Ok, I don't like it, but I know some places with good atmosphere. I'm saddened and astonished every time to see how much of it people can eat. It's supposed to be ordered by the slice. If you get Chicago-style pizza, a slice is a meal. No qualifier; 1 slice=1 meal. If you're Rambo and need 3 slices, it's because you need more than one meal to fuel your death machine.
posted by a robot made out of meat at 5:04 AM on February 12

I'm not sure I understand how awesome drinking a single 2 litre mug of tasty draft German beer would be

It's ausgezeichnet.

if you want a 2 litre pint glass here you go.

You could also go with the 2 liter German Beer Boot. (How did they not call this Das Boot?)
posted by kirkaracha at 6:35 AM on February 12

perhaps because 'das boot' means the boat?
posted by garlic at 7:09 AM on February 12

If you're Rambo and need 3 slices, it's because you need more than one meal to fuel your death machine.

I made the mistake of eating 3 slices of Chicago pizza once. It was incapacitating, and I can easily put away a large cheese pie of NYC pizza with no ill effects. Some of my friends suffered worse incapacitation from only 2 slices.

The only things that have similarly incapacitated me were White Castle and almost 20 oz. of catsup on a dare, though unlike those two, I would eat Chicago pizza again, albeit very carefully.
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 7:16 AM on February 12

The Worst Food in America
Outback Steakhouse Aussie Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing

And not just worst in the sense of "most calories" either, as this abomination falls into that horrid fad of "well, since ranch dressing is good on salad, it must be good on everything!"

Ugh, ugh, ugh. Ranch is OK for salad. Please leave it off my sandwiches, my fries, my casserole, my Buffalo wings, .... A particular low point came when I ordered a "Philly Beef Toasted Sub" at Arby's. Which, from the picture on the menu, looked like an approximation to a Philly cheesesteak sandwich. Now, mind you, I'm not expecting perfect authenticity from Arby's, but it was a most unwelcome surprise to bit into it and discover ranch dressing there, which didn't go at all with the other flavors in the sandwich. (Oh, they call it a "zesty roasted garlic sauce," rather than ranch dressing, but trust me, it's ranch.)
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:14 AM on February 12 [1 favorite]

I with Evangeline: the problem isn't that these are high calorie, it's the amount of calories, which is way off the map.

I'm female and older, so the Outback cheese fries, at 2,900 calories, is roughly enough food for two solid days -- I need to keep it to 1500 or less to avoid shaking the ground when I walk, and the amount of cardio I do has nothing to do with it. And it's a side, which implies you eat something else with it.

I can see not worrying about it if you're eating something *fabulous* -- but this is chain resto shit. Why bother?

One of the more surreal experiences I had was on a road trip to the States: we were sitting in a restaurant in New Mexico, having just ordered breakfast, and we realized, collectively, that there was something off about the place. It took us a good ten minutes to realized that *everyone* in the place -- kids, old folks, teens, waitresses, the hostess -- was fat.

And then they brought the breakfasts and we realized why: my heuvos rancheros had six eggs, ten slices of bacon and six slices of toast. Massive, gluey, tasteless overload.

I'm assuming most of the comments come from guys, since women are much less prone to boast about their capacity for calories. Honest, most women's definition of 'hot manhood' has never included the category "can eat something bigger than his head".
posted by jrochest at 9:48 AM on February 12

most women's definition of 'hot manhood' has never included the category "can eat something bigger than his head".

LALALALA!!! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!! LALALALALALA!
posted by shmegegge at 10:06 AM on February 12 [2 favorites]

I'm with Evangeline and jrochest. For the first time in my life, I am counting calories. And it's quite an eye opener - so many of my assumptions about what is high or low calorie have been off-base. I've always fancied myself a naturally healthy eater; I'm doing the calorie counting as much as an experiment/test of will as to lose a very stubborn 8-10 lbs for my wedding. But even now, with almost two weeks of calorie counting under my belt, I still would have underestimated the caloric value of pretty much everything on that list.

And I think that's the point. Sure, we all know that if you take deep-fried potatoes and cover them with cheese, bacon, and dressing, it's not going to be healthy. But like jrochest said, 2900 calories is almost two full day's worth of calories for me. Split it 4 ways, and that's still 700 calories each - just for the appetizer. I'd have to jog for over 90 minutes to burn that many calories. People just don't realize 1. how many calories can be hiding in a food that you already know is bad for you and 2. how much exercise it takes to work that off.

The serving size thing is another one. Sure, you can eat 1/2 or 1/3 of a meal and save the rest for later. But when every time you go out to eat, you are handed a plate with a pound of pasta on it, or full of mashed potatoes with bacon and 1/2+ lb burger patties, it starts to skew your perception of what's a reasonable serving size. Then even when you're not eating an entire Chipotle burrito, it becomes easier to heap a little extra pasta on that plate.

I found the article to have an annoying format but somewhat interesting content.
posted by misskaz at 11:33 AM on February 12 [1 favorite]

If you want to get rid of a problem -- look for the cause. Same can be applied for bad food. In my understanding there are 3 major types/causes of bad food:

1. Chemicals in our food, e.g. MSG -- monosodium glutamate.

2. Change in food form, e.g. flower: because of milling absorbtion surface goes up dramatically, resulting in abnormally high blood sugar, therefore too high insulin level, then too low blood sugar, causing food craving. Same applies to cookies!

3. Food we are not created to eat, e.g. milk or juices.

Bottom line: do not eat processed food!
Sergey Kalitenko. MD
posted by skalitenko at 10:53 AM on March 7