Uncle Dirty (NSFW)

March 8, 2008 11:13 AM

Uncle Dirty is a fascinating photo essay about a photographer's strange uncle who has lived 86 years obsessed with bodybuilding, penises, and thongs. Not safe for work, but not too crazy, the photos really humanize someone you'd probably cross the street to avoid in real life. (via mjj/blort)
posted by mathowie (130 comments total)

I'm all for being open-minded and accepting of other peoples' lifestyles and all that, but this guy is yucky.
posted by hypocritical ross at 11:22 AM on March 8, 2008

Wow.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 11:23 AM on March 8, 2008

someone you'd probably cross the street to avoid in real life.

no kidding.

Guy certainly lives an interesting life. It's nice to see that he doesn't hide it though...he's proud of who he is.
posted by DMan at 11:25 AM on March 8, 2008

not too crazy

Define crazy.
posted by Dave Faris at 11:27 AM on March 8, 2008

I was about to accuse matt of a double (and dare cortex to delete it), but it was MetaChat where I saw it before... a scoop for the half-sister-site.
posted by wendell at 11:27 AM on March 8, 2008

Oh Jesus. I was fine until the photo of him bending over... I really wish I hadn't seen that.
posted by The corpse in the library at 11:28 AM on March 8, 2008 [13 favorites]

I find it odd that I was able to stay interested through all of the thong-stuffing and penis-collaging, but the skid-marked thong was what finally tripped me off. I guess everyone has different limits.
posted by Popular Ethics at 11:29 AM on March 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

Wow. Great pictures. Scary dude.
posted by razorian at 11:29 AM on March 8, 2008

SOCKS WITH SANDALS.

that guy's fucking crazy.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 11:29 AM on March 8, 2008 [8 favorites]

heh. Corpse and I share the same limit.
posted by Popular Ethics at 11:30 AM on March 8, 2008

Saw this on MeCha, too, and visions of brown stains on the back of an old man's thong have haunted me since.
posted by item at 11:30 AM on March 8, 2008

YIKES
posted by JeffL at 11:32 AM on March 8, 2008

Bleagh.
Anybody else smell something unpleasant as they scrolled down the page?

Uncle Dirty is is the apotheosis of creep-out.
posted by isopraxis at 11:35 AM on March 8, 2008

I love the photos of Alga. I want to talk to her.
posted by emelenjr at 11:35 AM on March 8, 2008

Yep. What corpse, item and Popular said. I was feeling quite intellectual-liberal smug for how warm-and-fuzzily I was embracing the "live and let live, man" vibe of that photo spread.

Until the Actual Brown Spread. It undid all the good.
posted by pineapple at 11:35 AM on March 8, 2008

“When I die they can take my ashes and sprinkle them in the ocean, or if I'm still in good shape, maybe they can stuff me and preserve me and put me in a thong and keep me in the living room.”

He’d make a great hood ornament. Or put him in the garden like a Priapus statue.
posted by Smedleyman at 11:36 AM on March 8, 2008

See, when I clicked on that link, I assumed it was a photo album by an 86-year old photographer who loved to take pictures of HAWT DOODS in g-strings /w bulging dongers and such. I was just about to reach for the astroglide when........when.........

OH GAWD MY EYES SAVE ME JEEBUS
posted by Avenger at 11:36 AM on March 8, 2008

"What you see is what I got!"

I........I don't know what to say about all of this. What a shameless man.

Thanks for the link Matt?
posted by ashbury at 11:37 AM on March 8, 2008

mr_crash_davis just mentioned this site yesterday. Must be going around.
posted by humannaire at 11:37 AM on March 8, 2008

p.s. Matt was following site protocol, obviously, and good on him, but just as a gauge for yourself...

if you saw a link called "Uncle Dirty" and assumed anything but NSFW, you maybe oughta put the training wheels back on.

emelenjr, I had the same thought about the wife.
posted by pineapple at 11:37 AM on March 8, 2008

That was great! Thanks Matt!
posted by vacapinta at 11:38 AM on March 8, 2008

It's like a Diane Arbus sitcom. Awesome.
posted by scody at 11:39 AM on March 8, 2008 [4 favorites]

avuncular
posted by langedon at 11:41 AM on March 8, 2008 [2 favorites]

I swear to fucking God I was just eating peanut butter straight from the jar two seconds before seeing Uncle Hoagiedick's wet, ass juice stain.

AWESOME.
posted by The Straightener at 11:42 AM on March 8, 2008 [2 favorites]

I guess he never read those books on how to grow old gracefully. And, yeah, the socks and sandals look is gross!
posted by binturong at 11:45 AM on March 8, 2008

That'll teach you to eat peanut butter straight from the jar, Straightener.
posted by item at 11:46 AM on March 8, 2008

That guy kicks ass.
posted by equalpants at 11:47 AM on March 8, 2008

Funny how.
posted by humannaire at 11:48 AM on March 8, 2008

I feel a whole lot better about my wackjob relatives suddenly. And that's really sayin' something.

So thanks for not being related to me, Uncle Dirty! Yay!
posted by miss lynnster at 11:48 AM on March 8, 2008

Man, the two of them are like something out of a Tom Waits ballad together. Beautiful.
posted by nebulawindphone at 11:48 AM on March 8, 2008 [9 favorites]

I'm fascinated by Alga, tho...
posted by miss lynnster at 11:49 AM on March 8, 2008

Until the Actual Brown Spread. It undid all the good.

Uncle Dirty does not heed the advice of the Jack Nicholson character in "The Bucket List": Never trust a fart!

There's nothing like "panty pudding."
posted by ericb at 11:49 AM on March 8, 2008

Unhumannaires.
posted by humannaire at 11:49 AM on March 8, 2008

Awesome. I, for one, aspire to grow old with as much defiance as he does.
posted by nasreddin at 11:56 AM on March 8, 2008 [2 favorites]

Very interesting, slightly disturbing.
posted by Ricky_gr10 at 12:05 PM on March 8, 2008

I'm all for being open-minded and accepting of other peoples' lifestyles and all that, but this guy is yucky.

I think he's awesome. When I'm 90, that's exactly who I'm gonna be.

Though my kids would probably say that's me already.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 12:09 PM on March 8, 2008

He seems like a fictional character, but I can't figure out who the fuck would have written him.
posted by brundlefly at 12:09 PM on March 8, 2008 [7 favorites]

That guy is rad. And while I would pay at least $90 to unsee that skidmark shot, I will say this: When one hundred years old your sphincter reach, work as good, it will not.
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 12:10 PM on March 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

He seems like a fictional character, but I can't figure out who the fuck would have written him

Or, more importantly who would have posed for the pictures. Or drawn them.
posted by DMan at 12:15 PM on March 8, 2008

You know, I don't really know how I feel about all this. I mean, I love his absolute defiance of social mores, and I've seen way weirder stuff on the beach that stuffed daydream thongs, but still...disturbing, and I'm not even sure why. (The skidmark pic, I mean that's obviously icky, but I'm not sure why the rest of it would make me uncomfortable.)

Is it that we have a mental definition of how our elders "should" behave, and an iodine covered, greased up, stuffed thong, penis photoshopping, Uncle Dirty doesn't fit anywhere into that mold? I dunno.

The pictures of Alga are haunting. I'm not sure I'll ever forget some of those images. Those eyes...god, those eyes...something about her makes me weepy, and I don't know what it is.

I never would have found this on my own, and I'm still undecided about what to think of it, but it's certainly been a window into a reality that while I wouldn't want to live it, I have some grudging admiration.
posted by dejah420 at 12:17 PM on March 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm fascinated by Alga, tho...

Yeah. Honestly, she's what humanizes the guy here — the implication that they care enough to look out for each other, warts and weirdnesses and all. If she weren't in it, this would come across as pure point-at-the-freak.
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:24 PM on March 8, 2008

Separated at birth?
posted by gimonca at 12:25 PM on March 8, 2008 [2 favorites]

At the bottom of the page: Content Management Powered by CuteNews

The word cute does not belong on that page.
posted by desjardins at 12:31 PM on March 8, 2008

WHEN I AM AN OLD MAN I SHALL WEAR A THONG
With a brown stain which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on Special K and Wang magazine
And baby oil, and say we've no money for iodine.
I shall sit down on the beach when otherwise I’d be arrested
And wear socks and sandals and take self-portraits
And run my “stick” along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall stuff my thong
And tape penises on other people's pictures
And learn to wear nipple rings
posted by found missing at 12:35 PM on March 8, 2008 [42 favorites]

I now have permission to do whatever the fuck I want when I get to be their age.

And then put it on the Internet.
posted by disclaimer at 12:37 PM on March 8, 2008

Found missing, you are brilliant.
posted by digaman at 12:38 PM on March 8, 2008

This is like Outsider Art as lived in real life. If only we all could be so at ease with our selves. Great find.
posted by docpops at 12:41 PM on March 8, 2008

Alga has such an interesting facial structure. I'd love to draw her.
posted by monocot at 12:46 PM on March 8, 2008

Uncle Dirty is not a real person. He is a dark force that crouches inside all men. Masturbate more than five times in one day or pop an erection while watching Japanese animation and your Uncle Dirty will rise from your body to walk the public beaches of the earth until the day you phone your mother and ask her sincerely how her scrapbooking projects are coming along.
posted by TimTypeZed at 12:49 PM on March 8, 2008 [9 favorites]

Whatever, that guy rules. Good for him, skidmarks and all.
posted by vorfeed at 1:01 PM on March 8, 2008

Riveting photography and subject. Great site, great post. Thanks.
posted by seanmpuckett at 1:06 PM on March 8, 2008

He seems like a fictional character, but I can't figure out who the fuck would have written him.

Robert Crumb.
posted by vacapinta at 1:09 PM on March 8, 2008 [8 favorites]

I think he and William Borroughs would have been great friends
posted by 45moore45 at 1:20 PM on March 8, 2008

When you have to tell your guests to bring their own pillow because the furniture is unsanitary you may have just crossed the line between living the dream and living in a dream. On the other hand, at least he was gracious enough to make the suggestion. Now if only he could remember to suggest that his guests arrive blindfolded...
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:21 PM on March 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

HOLY CRAP. That is a truly wonderful story, in the same way I found my first encounter with Modern Primitives wonderful; a disturbing but educational revelation of the extremes which people will create in pursuit of mere feelings.
posted by localroger at 1:31 PM on March 8, 2008

He seems like a fictional character, but I can't figure out who the fuck would have written him.
posted by brundlefly at 3:09 PM on March 8

I'd have to guess Joe R. Lansdale.

I totally want to meet this guy. I want to be wearing rubber gloves at the time, but I really want to meet him.
posted by Aversion Therapy at 1:45 PM on March 8, 2008

This is what brings you back, It's Raining Florence Henderson? This is what you couldn't resist?
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:09 PM on March 8, 2008

I'm not here. Really. Your thong must be cutting off the circulation to your brain.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:23 PM on March 8, 2008

In my line of work, I see people who look like this all the time. I've got twenty bucks that says this guy's feet are a hundred times more disgusting than his ass leakage. Old people feet. Ugh. Trust me on this.
posted by ColdChef at 2:26 PM on March 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

Your thong must be cutting off the circulation to your brain.

Oops! Sorry - thought I was mysteriously appearing in the Moses hallucinatory thread there for a minute. Carry on.

/isn't here
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:28 PM on March 8, 2008

Fantastic post. Uncle Dirty is awesomely cool and I laugh at all you wimps who couldn't handle the skidmark.
posted by fleetmouse at 2:30 PM on March 8, 2008

Also: "Now here, I couldn't finish Lee's cock on the front so I put it on the back."
posted by gimonca at 2:30 PM on March 8, 2008

He seems like a fictional character, but I can't figure out who the fuck would have written him

Or, more importantly who would have posed for the pictures. Or drawn them.

Shel Silverstein, no question about it. This guy could be the sequel to Uncle Shelby's ABZ Book.
posted by padraigin at 2:33 PM on March 8, 2008

GAH
posted by jonson at 2:34 PM on March 8, 2008

yeah, the socks and sandals look is gross!

yeah, um that was the first thing that squeemed me out too
posted by timsteil at 2:36 PM on March 8, 2008

Well, one thing I learned is that working in an assisted living center (previously known as an "old age home") helping with bathroom duties makes you pretty much immune to any old people creepiness you may have felt before, even if you get a rear view of a retired octogenarian weight lifter in a thong, bending over. At first my visceral reaction was, Wow, what the hell? And then I remembered, oh yeah, I've given guys his age showers and helped them on the toilet. It was years ago and only for about nine months, but seems that sort of experience never really fades. Fascinating guy, definitely out there but not afraid in the least. He almost seems like someone in an Errol Morris documentary.
posted by krinklyfig at 2:37 PM on March 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

Wow. That was great. I love it when the internet can offer something new and surprising.
posted by painquale at 3:01 PM on March 8, 2008

He's obviously not obsessed with dental care.
posted by Poolio at 3:11 PM on March 8, 2008

Exactly, padraigin! Something about the teeth.

Love the one of his daughter's painting, and the one in the yard captioned "Uncle Dirty's father was a bootlegger..."
posted by hippugeek at 3:14 PM on March 8, 2008

Reminds me a lot of our own Eccentric Old Man except his penis is not even stuffed into a thong... (And yes, those "shorts" are actually a tattoo...) Definitely NSFW.
posted by benzo8 at 3:18 PM on March 8, 2008

I hope when my daughter comes of age she can datge and marry this guy. His only shortcoming ils that he voted for Bush in the last two elections.
posted by Postroad at 3:18 PM on March 8, 2008

It took me a little thinking to figure out that Uncle Dirty is an the ideal depiction of "aged white trash" , but infinitely less arrogant. One can imagine him literally LOLing at the idea of people looking at his huge thong being all offended and stuff ehehe, but I just can not picture a younger him in a truck honking that he's one with jesus, wrapped in a flag and respecting them dirty fagots when they get out sight.
posted by elpapacito at 3:21 PM on March 8, 2008

Should have been on preview

shortcoming ils that he voted for Bush in the last two elections

Did he ? That's curious, I tought he would have voted for Chuck, now that's a lot more manly of a president for a person who likes supermasculinity so much.
posted by elpapacito at 3:25 PM on March 8, 2008

When he was 20 years old his father took him to a prostitute to lose his virginity.

I suggest the psychoanalysis begin here.
posted by odinsdream at 3:34 PM on March 8, 2008 [3 favorites]

broken people.
posted by gallois at 3:50 PM on March 8, 2008

Aside from the whole anal leakage thing (which really doesn't gross me out as much as it should, thanks 2 girls 1 cup!) I loved this. Alga is a dear, bless her heart and Uncle Dirty is infinitely interesting, I could have read on for another hour.

He seems like a fictional character, but I can't figure out who the fuck would have written him.

William Burroughs, most definitely.
posted by saturnine at 4:01 PM on March 8, 2008

Whatever, that guy rules.

Whatever whatever. This guys rules as little as NAMBLA. The internet just makes sociopathy sexy is all. Creeps like this are a dime a dozen, IMO, and they're only as cool as they are far far far away.

"Uncle" Dirty, indeed. More like, Evil "Clown."

New and surprising? Not at all. Good photos of bad shit. Again.
posted by humannaire at 4:14 PM on March 8, 2008

BTW, the ass stain photograph is just a bad editorial decision on the part of the individual putting the project together. A single cheap shot that winds up soiling the entire project.
posted by humannaire at 4:15 PM on March 8, 2008

God bless you and keep you Unk Dirt.
posted by Divine_Wino at 4:24 PM on March 8, 2008

Fantastic post & stunning photographs. Reminded me of Richard Billingham's photography.
posted by chrispy at 4:29 PM on March 8, 2008

Whatever whatever. This guys rules as little as NAMBLA. The internet just makes sociopathy sexy is all. Creeps like this are a dime a dozen, IMO, and they're only as cool as they are far far far away.

"Uncle" Dirty, indeed. More like, Evil "Clown."

New and surprising? Not at all. Good photos of bad shit. Again.

Boy, humannaire, you sure turn into an asshole whenever something threatens your comfort zone. Some Buddhist.
posted by nasreddin at 4:30 PM on March 8, 2008

Really, humannaire, an evil sociopath?
posted by treepour at 4:32 PM on March 8, 2008

MetaFilter: very interesting, slightly disturbing.
posted by bwg at 4:34 PM on March 8, 2008

I'm kind of surprised at the responses to this. Age and infirmity come to us all; it's the price of living. At 86, nobody's pretty, so the repulsion in this thread is a little unfair. I don't see who this man is hurting, and I don't see how his passions are so different or disgusting from anyone else's. How is jerking off to porn in front of your laptop any less ridiculous than Uncle Dirty and his costumes and collages? And he's cared for his wife all these years; where would she be, disabled as she is, without him? He is, in small way, an artist, and he's just coping with the world and with life the best he can and finding what joy he can along the way. The picture that his daughter painted for him, that he added his own image to? How can you not find that touching and human?

And if you can't deal with aging bodies, and shit, well... welcome to the human race, you know?
posted by jokeefe at 4:40 PM on March 8, 2008 [18 favorites]

His teeth are actually pretty good for a guy his age. Too bad they offend you.
posted by Rumple at 5:06 PM on March 8, 2008

What jokeefe said. I'm 44 and after a week hanging around the film set that took over our shop this week, I feel almost deformed by comparison with the perfect people who invaded our space. They weren't all physically perfect but they were all exceptionally good at their jobs, which is why they were being paid to spend much time standing around until the few moments when their finely honed skills were needed.

After that, UnkD seems almost normal by comparison.
posted by localroger at 5:12 PM on March 8, 2008

I bet he and Buster Martin would get on like a house on fire.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 5:13 PM on March 8, 2008

Now I think there's something wrong with me because I wasn't totally squicked out by the skid marks photo.

I found the whole story very touching, I hope I still have that kind of vitality when I reach their age. Fuck growing old "gracefully". What you really mean is "die quietly".
posted by liquorice at 5:16 PM on March 8, 2008 [6 favorites]

I'm once again reminded why I read the comments before following the FPP links. Thanks, everyone!
posted by trip and a half at 5:33 PM on March 8, 2008

I really debated putting this on the front page instead of linking it in the other thread.

Now I can't remember what the debate was.

Apparently my inner voice was drunk or something.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 5:49 PM on March 8, 2008

Am I the only one who is uncomfortable with putting UD's images online, along with images of someone who has been "mentally handicapped her entire life" for possible publication ("I am currently seeking a publication to share the Uncle Dirty story with. Whether it be this series or a follow up story. If anyone is interested or know of a publication that might find this series interesting)?"
posted by Morrigan at 6:22 PM on March 8, 2008

Reminds me a lot of our own Eccentric Old Man except his penis is not even stuffed into a thong...

Yeah, if I had a schlong as impressive as that, I'd wanna show it off a lot as well. You know what they say, don't you:

It pays to advertise.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 6:59 PM on March 8, 2008

I'm kind of surprised at the responses to this.

The minority, I guess. I think this is brilliant.

Am I the only one who is uncomfortable with putting UD's images online,

Apparently. The photographer is looking for more exposure. UD seems to be a bit of exhibitionist. And the aunt, as explained in the piece, also loves being photographed.
posted by vacapinta at 7:07 PM on March 8, 2008

I really debated putting this on the front page instead of linking it in the other thread.

When I went to it from your link (and from your brief "well, he's no Uncle Dirty" description) I just assumed that this was something that was so well known among the - excuse me - blogosphere that it would have been futile to put in on the front page. That's why I assumed you didn't, and that's why I didn't bother to either, once I saw it.

See, that's what separates you and me from internet visionaries who start and run their own group weblog.
posted by yhbc at 7:15 PM on March 8, 2008

Now I think there's something wrong with me because I wasn't totally squicked out by the skid marks photo.

Yes, yes there is.

-----

Given all the horrid I've seen on the net, I found the Uncle Dirty photostory to be kind of sweet, in a twisted way. Except the ass-stain shot, which nearly wrecked it all for me.
posted by five fresh fish at 7:34 PM on March 8, 2008

mr_crash_davis, I had this in my bookmarks for awhile but was reluctant to post it on blort because of the nsfw stuff - never mind the front page of mefi! But when I saw you link it yesterday, it reminded me how much I liked that crazy guy. It's a great photo essay.

And I agree with jokeefe. What would the world be without eccentrics? There's way too much conformity going on these days.
posted by madamjujujive at 7:44 PM on March 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

Creeps like this are a dime a dozen, IMO, and they're only as cool as they are far far far away.

Who the fuck are you? You mean to tell me you would be completely comfortable if the world knew about all the things you do when no one's looking? Please. Put anyone under a microscope and there'll be stuff you find out that will make you recoil in shock. But fucking think for a second. You have kids? They eat their boogers? OK, take that kid, add 80 years to him, and now all-of-a-sudden he's his ka-RAY-zy booger-eating old dude. OMG honey get the camera.

This guy is great. He's 80-whatever years old and who gives a shit if he wears a thong? He's fuckin' walking upright on his own power. He's not shitting himself or having his ass pushed around in a wheelchair or strapped to an oxygen tank gasping for life. The guy's fucking out there every day with his thong getting his tan on. You should be so lucky to have that kind of energy when you're his age.

But oh, look, he's got wrinkles. He looks like he's wearing a skin-suit that wasn't properly fitted! Yeah, it's called OLD. I know it's not a terribly popular concept with our advertisers and television stars these days, so certainly I can understand why you might be so put off by it. But those glamorous 19-year-old's pretending to be 40 year-old's on TV? That's fake. This guy? That's fucking real, buddy. That's reality TV right there. That's what happens to you when you get old. Your teeth fall out. Your eyes don't work so good. Your personal hygiene usually suffers because, frankly, you won't give as much of a shit any more.

Hell, this dude is great compared to most old farts. Most of them, we just put in a fucking concrete box labeled "HOME," close the blinds on the windows so you can't see inside and call it a day. We don't want to hang our dirty laundry out and get reminded of the fact that, Yes, Virginia, you, too will turn into a wrinkled, crusty old fuck one day, too--if you're lucky and don't get yourself killed beforehand. This guy is about as good as most of us are ever going to get. He's living life and not giving a shit what you think.

So what, that's all cool and disestablishmentarian when you're twenty and look like James Dean, but suddenly you're supposed to shut up and go away when you've tacked on another sixty years? Fuck that. This guy's earned his stripes. You go earn yours, then in fifty or sixty years, you come back to us and tell us how crazy you think he is.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 9:11 PM on March 8, 2008 [4 favorites]

And I agree with jokeefe. What would the world be without eccentrics? There's way too much conformity going on these days.

We pay a lot of lip service to individuality.

Loud, vocal lip service.

And at the same time, we don't seem to be producing a whole lot of individuals.
posted by jason's_planet at 9:17 PM on March 8, 2008

Whatever whatever. This guys rules as little as NAMBLA. The internet just makes sociopathy sexy is all. Creeps like this are a dime a dozen, IMO, and they're only as cool as they are far far far away.

Sociopathy?

Sociopathy?

Do you understand what that word means? I doubt it, because it has nothing to do with exhibitionism or pornography, as much as you may wish it does. Here's a hint for you: sociopaths don't have wives they've stuck by for a lifetime, nor do they have relatives that send them nice paintings or come by for a photo op. Sociopaths can't deal with other people. Read that again, without adding "not in a thong" to the end of it, and then dial back the outrage a little.
posted by vorfeed at 9:28 PM on March 8, 2008

He's not shitting himself

Uh, dude?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:55 PM on March 8, 2008

I had this in my bookmarks for awhile but was reluctant to post it on blort because of the nsfw stuff

And I thought blort was so rugged!
posted by homunculus at 10:25 PM on March 8, 2008

An extraordinary and compassionately detached photo essay of a classic somatic narcissist.

The somatic narcissist flashes his sexual conquests, parades his possessions, puts his muscles on ostentatious display, brags about his physical aesthetics or sexual prowess or exploits, is often a health freak and a hypochondriac.

Those poignant images of Alga, particularly in light of Uncle Dirty's extraordinary ease of doing what interests him, are mesmerizing. Her large eyes, so full of devotion and pitiful in light of the limitations of her long life.

Interesting dance between the two of them.
posted by nickyskye at 11:06 PM on March 8, 2008

The Love Song of Uncle Dirty

Let us bend then, you and I
and point our skidmarks at the sky...
posted by dobbs at 11:18 PM on March 8, 2008 [3 favorites]

dobbs, if I could favorite that comment multiple times I would. TS Eliot is probably the last thing going through my head after checking out Uncle Dirty.

Instead, Uncle Dirty is like something out of Gummo or Julien Donkey-Boy. Only worse.
posted by Venadium at 11:36 PM on March 8, 2008

I'm glad I got to know something about Uncle Dirty and Alga.
Very well done photo essay...

Hope I'm even half as active at 86 as he is. Or even if I make it to 86. =)
posted by rmmcclay at 1:54 AM on March 9, 2008

Yeah, dobbs, but I was hoping for more. Henceforth:

The Love Song of N.S.F.W. Uncle Dirty

Let us bend then, you and I
and point our skidmarks at the sky
like peanut butter prized upon a knife
Let us go, through certain half-perverted links
The kind that make us blink
In restless nights in computer’s restless glare
At the non-fictional world out there
Links provided like a tedious argument
Of educational intent
FFPs which lead to overwhelming questions...
Oh, do not ask, “what is it?”
Let us go and make our visit.

In the blue the Mefites come and go
Talking of Michaelangelo

The yellow lives that rub their backs upon our monitor-panes
The yellow teeth that show their stains on our monitor-panes
Old men posing for their photos in the corners of their rooms
Old women lingering in chairs with mugs by windows
Looking at one another after decades together in these rooms
Who, seeing that it is the truth of their lives,
Sit down, or dress up, and pose for pictures.

And indeed there will be time
For the websites that look this way,
Coming across our our monitor-panes
There will be time
For them to prepare themselves to meet the faces they will meet;
Just like there will be time for us to lurk or subscribe,
And time for all the hours and days of hands
That lift and drop an FPP on your plate;
Time for you and time for me
And time yet for a hundred comments,
And for a hundred favourites and unfavourites,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.
 
In the blue the Mefites come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.
 
And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Is he weird?” and, “Is she neat?”
Time to turn back and descend the beach,
His package only barely out of reach—
[They will say: “How his thong is growing thin!”]
His sandals worn, his socks pulled up to his knees,
His cock large and immodest, but supported by a delicate weave—
[They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”]

Does he dare
Disturb the neighbours?
In a thread there is time
For thoughts and second thoughts which a cutting rejoinder will reverse.
 
For we have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the freaks, the sociopaths,
We have measured out our days with the best of the web;
We've watched a million trendy websites dying with a dying fall
Brought to us electronically from a further room.
  So how should we presume?
 
And he has known the eyes already, known them all—
The eyes that fix him in a judgmental phrase,
And when he is photographed, sprawling on a pin,
When he am posted and posted online for all,
Then how should he begin
To stick out all the butt-ends of his days and ways?
  And how should he presume?
 
And he has known his wife already, known dear Alga—
Alga who is patient and wrinkled with white hair
[But in the lamplight, her face marked with light red spots!]
Is it light from her eyes
That makes us so sympathize?
Eyes that look along a table, or microwave a meal.
  And should we then presume?
  And how should we begin?
      .      .      .      .      .

Shall we say, we have gone at dusk through narrow thoughts
And watched the stories that rise from the web
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of old age homes?…

 We should have been a pair of giant cocks
Pasted across the pages of muscle magazines.
      .      .      .      .      .

And the husband, the wife, sleep so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep … tired … while the images linger,
Planted in our brain, here with you and me.

Should we, after pictures and debates and niceness,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though we have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though we have seen his ass [grown slightly brown] brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;
I him we have seen the moment of our youth flicker,
And we have seen Uncle Dirty hold our own thongs, and snicker,
And in short, we were afraid.

 And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the snark, the thoughtfulness, the arguments,
Among the self-questioning, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worthwhile,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a LOLZ
And tossed it toward some overwhelming FAIL,
To say: “I am Metafilter, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—
If one reader, a hand upon a keyboard,
  Should say: “That is not what I hoped for at all.
  That is not it, at all.”


And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the research and the drafts and the practice,
After the records, after the searching, after the check for doubles come before—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to post just what I mean!
But as if a poster threw this website in colours on our screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, taking fingers off the keyboard,
And closing down a window, should say:
  “That is not it at all,
  That is not what I wanted, at all.”
      .      .      .      .      .
   
No! I am not OP, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant commentor, one that will do
To swell a thread, start a reply or two,
Advise an askme; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, a Mefite.
 
I grow old … I grow old …
I shall wear my sandals over socks unrolled.

Shall I leave dirty posts alone? Do I flag as inappropriate, move to impeach?
I shall wear a white flannel thong, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the Mefites favouriting, each to each.
 
I do not think that they will favourite me.
 
I have seen them typing furiously on threads like this
To determine which among us is the better
Slowly turning the blue of my screen white with letters.
 
Like Alga, we too have seen the ass of Uncle Dirty
Old and wreathed with skidmarks dirty-brown
Except, unlike her, newer stories will soon wake us, and we'll drown.
posted by roombythelake at 3:29 AM on March 9, 2008 [20 favorites]

Nice poem. :)

I strongly suspect that the objectors' objections are primarily due to his oddness being so overtly and blatantly sexual, when he himself is sexually repulsive to pretty much anyone, (and probably himself too, at some level).

Personally I find him harmlessly amusing. On my scale of annoyances, this guy is way, way the hell down below people who scream at their kids in public, or people who stink (I'm assuming he smells of iodine and tanning lotion, neither of which is particularly bad IMO), or people who loudly talk at the movies. You're not forced even to watch the guy, let alone participate in his peculiarities or emulate him. Why let it worry you? Let him be. If the old guy next door to me (pretty much equally handsome) started mowing his lawn in a padded thong and sandals with socks, or naked, I'd give him the same superficial wave of acknowledgement I do now. I just don't see how it's any of my business, apart from being a mildly odd--and therefore mildly entertaining--thing to do.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 6:14 AM on March 9, 2008

If the old guy next door to me started doing that, I'd set up a web cam and make a million.
posted by five fresh fish at 8:18 AM on March 9, 2008

roombythelake, I think I love you. I wish we had a mega-favourite option.
posted by jokeefe at 8:50 AM on March 9, 2008

Funny, Prufrock was what first came to my mind too on viewing dear old Uncle Dirty.

I confidently predict that I will piss off humannaire as much in my time. In fact, I probably would already! Lovely post.
posted by fcummins at 10:17 AM on March 9, 2008

Well, off all the grousing, this is the one I beg to differ....

Do you understand what that word means? I doubt it, because it has nothing to do with exhibitionism or pornography, as much as you may wish it does. Here's a hint for you: sociopaths don't have wives they've stuck by for a lifetime, nor do they have relatives that send them nice paintings or come by for a photo op. Sociopaths can't deal with other people. Read that again, without adding "not in a thong" to the end of it, and then dial back the outrage a little.

vorfeed, sociopaths often deal very well with other people. The problem is the manner in which they deal with non-sociopaths. And it is a misconception that sociopaths are anti-social: sociopathic to seek out other sociopaths, often for long-term (and often dangerous) relationships.

So it is not "what the word means," but rather from my point of view—as a person who has has been obligated to deal with sociopaths my entire life by happening to have been born into a genealogy of sociopaths (ah, the secret is out at last)—what the state of being is.

"Sociopaths don't have wives they've stuck by for a lifetime, nor do they have relatives that send them nice paintings or come by for a photo op"? The embarrassing thing about that statement is all it means is that you are confusing sociopaths with orcs.

You think schizophrenia is work? Try dealing with multiple generations of people who are sociopaths. You think sociopaths don't have relationships? That is terribly wrong. Not only do individuals who are sociopathic have relationships, chillingly, sociopaths often reproduce their condition by means of abuse, injury and/or exposure.

What is a sociopath/what leads me to diagnose said "Uncle Dirty" [sic] as one? Well, here's what R.Preston McAffee's take on what defines sociopathic. See how many match up by your reckoning.

Also, this article culls information from some of Robert D Hare's books on the topic in a way that expels some of the myths on the subject.

I understand people may think ill of me for being sociopath intolerant, but sociopathology is unlike pornography in that most of us don't know it when we see it.

Penises, fetishes, wangs, brown-stained underwear and pron pron pron ahoy! But once an individual is incapable of not inflicting themselves on others, that's a problem. And that's the difference here.
posted by humannaire at 7:39 PM on March 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

This guy is about as good as most of us are ever going to get.

And civil_disobedience, that's not only incorrect, unless by "us" you mean some particular grouping other than all of us, it's false.
posted by humannaire at 7:42 PM on March 9, 2008

humannaire, you're clearly projecting. How could you possibly know whether Uncle Dirty has "shallow emotions" or "incapacity for love"? You're just a judgmental prick who's working out his own daddy issues at the expense of a harmless old man from the internet.

Is this man one of those people you are pleased to consider inhuman and want to kill like rabid dogs?
posted by nasreddin at 2:35 AM on March 10, 2008

aeschenkarnos said: "I strongly suspect that the objectors' objections are primarily due to his oddness being so overtly and blatantly sexual"

Not me. I think the sexuality aspect is great, rock on Uncle Dirty. I just think that the one photo was over the top. And it's not because I Fear the Old, either -- Uncle Dirty clearly likes to bend over and display his anus, as was supported by the monitor full of images of him doing just that, depicted in a later photo. The skidmarks pic was not "unfortunate lack of hygiene that is a result of old age" but "here is a man who is obsessed with displaying his asshole." The photog clearly included that pic for the shock value, and I think it cheapens the rest of the essay. It allows the reader to obsess on "old man skidmarks" when the takeaway should be "old man with startling sexual interest." I think that pic actually encourages LOLGRAMPA.
posted by pineapple at 8:18 AM on March 10, 2008

The skidmarks pic was not "unfortunate lack of hygiene that is a result of old age" but "here is a man who is obsessed with displaying his asshole." The photog clearly included that pic for the shock value, and I think it cheapens the rest of the essay. It allows the reader to obsess on "old man skidmarks" when the takeaway should be "old man with startling sexual interest."

Bingo! | ditto.
posted by humannaire at 9:59 AM on March 10, 2008

But hey, at least he was captured doing what he loves.
posted by miss lynnster at 10:20 AM on March 10, 2008

How could you possibly know whether Uncle Dirty has "shallow emotions" or "incapacity for love"? You're just a judgmental prick who's working out his own daddy issues at the expense of a harmless old man from the internet.

One the one hand you wonder how I am to make an analysis of the situation from the material at hand, then on the other you do it yourself.

Therefore, in addition to my personal history with the subject matter, my background is in abnormal psychology, and my primary focus (Berkeley) was antisocial personality disorders (specifically in business/commerce settings). Naturally, I interested in your affiliation with the subject matter?

Is this man one of those people you are pleased to consider inhuman and want to kill like rabid dogs?

Glad to know I have if not fans, a single enthusiast. Are you thinking that all degrees of sociopathy be dealt with uniformly? Because I am not. However, when a person forces their state or condition on others—aggressively or passively—before such behavior can be curtailed it must be addressed.

Obviously, sociopathy is largely misunderstood. Worse is the fact that most sociopathic individuals continue to do various degrees of injury to social fabrics generally by harming one individual after another largely because they are left unidentified. In this, sociopathy is similar to schizophrenia was a number of decades ago.

And presently one of the main obstacles to rectifying this situation is the confusing—as here—of courageous individualism and non-conformity ("cool") with soft-handed exploitation and aggression ("not cool").
posted by humannaire at 10:28 AM on March 10, 2008

J. Alfred Prufrock was on my mind too. Damn our lack of individuality.

We pay a lot of lip service to individuality.

Loud, vocal lip service.

And at the same time, we don't seem to be producing a whole lot of individuals.

Based on what? I constantly meet amazing, unique "individuals."

humannaire, i think you're off base on the sociopathy, based on your characteristics: pathological lying; criminal versatility; lack of empathy; manipulative and conning; incapacity for love - I didn't get those any of those things from Uncle Dirty.

C'mon there are only a handful of paragraphs here, with *no* direct references. It looks like you're projecting a *lot* onto this guy with a thong fetish.
posted by mrgrimm at 10:47 AM on March 10, 2008

Therefore, in addition to my personal history with the subject matter, my background is in abnormal psychology, and my primary focus (Berkeley) was antisocial personality disorders (specifically in business/commerce settings). Naturally, I interested in your affiliation with the subject matter?

I am neither a doctor nor a psychologist; neither do I play one on the Internet. But while you are entitled to brandish your expertise at me, I can say right now that diagnosing people with disorders based on fragmentary second-hand evidence, speculation, and apparent personal dislike is a practice that every doctor I know tries to fight against. That goes double for psychiatric disorders, as anyone who has had to deal with first-year psychology students knows.

If you are in fact a doctor, it is irresponsible of you to undermine the standards of the profession in this way.


Glad to know I have if not fans, a single enthusiast. Are you thinking that all degrees of sociopathy be dealt with uniformly? Because I am not. However, when a person forces their state or condition on others—aggressively or passively—before such behavior can be curtailed it must be addressed.

Where are you seeing the forcing, the exploitation, the aggression? All I see is an eccentric old man who enjoys épate-ing the bourgeois with his startling sexual interest rather than, say, birdwatching.

I'd say that the moral-aesthetic repugnance Uncle Dirty seems to evoke for you has caused you to associate him with your bad family history, where there is no reason to make such a connection. If you were just saying "What a horrible disgusting old man," then that's just, like, your opinion, man. But turning a cold clinical eye on him and excluding him from humanity as a sociopathic freak is a pretty disturbing thing in itself. I like my human race better with the weirdos in it.
posted by nasreddin at 11:02 AM on March 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

Where are you seeing the forcing, the exploitation, the aggression?

Did you miss the forcing, exploitation, and aggression? As I noted it is "soft-handed" (by which is implied "deceptive," and in this circumstance it occurs in public upon the public.

To take one element of the caricature of this figure and gauge independently of the entirety is to miss the picture. It is all elements as one in which everything comes into focus.

You call my history bad, nasreddin, but I would I call it just history, and in this case, history which has lent itself to experience and subsequently to a forming of an informed opinion. And that formed opinion is that sociopathy is an ignored threat to global societal health. Your defense of the subject and offense to my position on the subject, notwithstanding.

To me, a person who has lived among, say, snakes, and who has studied snakes to later work and deal with them professionally as well as circumstantially, is going to have immediate impressions about creatures which are quite possibly unrecognized snakes which may upon later review found to be mistaken but more often than not will be right on the money.

And while there are limitations to analogies such as the one above, I presume you would admit that the chances are good that, on the other hand, a person who knows little about snakes or who imparts romantic qualities to snakes to the extent that the ones that in fact most poisonous may in their appreciation of the creature be charming or impassioned but will—more often than not—miss the mark.

A single step further: In any case, being upset with the snake for being itself is no less contrary then for someone without a background in the subject being upset with a snake-handler for merely identifying a potentially snake.

My apologies with disagreeing that the individuals depicted were "cool." Now, for the record, it is my opinion they are "not."
posted by humannaire at 2:03 PM on March 10, 2008

Did you miss the forcing, exploitation, and aggression? As I noted it is "soft-handed" (by which is implied "deceptive," and in this circumstance it occurs in public upon the public.

To take one element of the caricature of this figure and gauge independently of the entirety is to miss the picture. It is all elements as one in which everything comes into focus.

Conspicuously absent from this pile of sophistry is any shred of actual evidence for your irresponsible claims.

And, honestly, it may have taken you a while to type out that snake analogy, but what the hell is it supposed to prove?

I would offer a counteranalogy: Bob has lived in a forest where there are many poisonous snakes, and has had a number of unpleasant encounters with them. Now, whenever he sees a snake, he reflexively tries to protect himself by assuming that it's poisonous, even if he doesn't have enough information to make that conclusion. Unfortunately, while this served him well in the jungle, now he has problems going to pet stores. He freezes in fear near the terraria and shrieks "KILL IT!! FILTHY BEAST!! DON'T YOU SEE IT WILL POISON US ALL?! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!"
posted by nasreddin at 2:21 PM on March 10, 2008

Snakes? Really? That is the best example that immediately for inexplicable reasons entered your mind?
posted by found missing at 2:39 PM on March 10, 2008

We pay a lot of lip service to individuality.

Loud, vocal lip service.

And at the same time, we don't seem to be producing a whole lot of individuals.

Based on what? I constantly meet amazing, unique "individuals."

Good for you. I'm glad that you're meeting them.

This is, of course, not something we can measure like height or weight or amount of carcinogens in the water.

It's my own subjective impression. I own it.
posted by jason's_planet at 3:25 PM on March 10, 2008

Snakes? Really? That is the best example that immediately for inexplicable reasons entered your mind?

Yes. People irrationally hate snakes. Also, spider, rats/mice, roaches, and sharks. Presently, I get to work with all of them. (Though mostly sharks, snakes, and roaches—in the wild.)

Dolphins? People adore them. Even though they bite, punch, and sexually molest humans pretty regularly.

But snakes? People irrationally hate them and lots of people claim to know about their behavior. I suppose I could have used sharks, as well.
posted by humannaire at 3:39 PM on March 10, 2008

I would offer a counteranalogy: Bob has lived in a forest where there are many poisonous snakes, and has had a number of unpleasant encounters with them. Now, whenever he sees a snake, he reflexively tries to protect himself by assuming that it's poisonous, even if he doesn't have enough information to make that conclusion. Unfortunately, while this served him well in the jungle, now he has problems going to pet stores. He freezes in fear near the terraria and shrieks "KILL IT!! FILTHY BEAST!! DON'T YOU SEE IT WILL POISON US ALL?! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!"

Hmm. I see. This is how you see me. Then I digress.
posted by humannaire at 3:42 PM on March 10, 2008

humannaire, I'm interested in your take on this, but it's honestly hard to understand where you're coming from without very specific examples of the behavior you're saying is tell-tale. I could see the exhibitionism as forcing or exploiting, I guess, though those are much stronger words than I'd use for it. Where do you see aggression?

Did you miss the forcing, exploitation, and aggression? just tells the rest of us we're blind. Can you instead help us see what you're seeing?
posted by hippugeek at 4:37 PM on March 10, 2008

Here's my complete take on it. The first give-away clue was to be found in the beginning paragraph, hippugeek....

At 86 years old he is still completely obsessed with body building. Although he stopped working out a few years ago, he still spends much of his time admiring the body that a lifetime of weight training has given him by taking digital photos and videos of himself in his various homemade thongs.

"At 86...obsessed...still...admiring...[his own body] by taking digital photos and videos of himself" Possible long-term narcissist, "not to worry about bringing a thong because he has several... But I might want to bring a pillow because that's kinda personal," idiosyncratic.

Third, fifth, and sixth photo, physical traits reveal over-reliance on primarily autonomic nervous system controls, may show predilection for base/simple stimulation: disinterested (or lazy) eye accommodation, open mouth/hanging jaw, and similarly unintentional overall physical directing.

Later photos present probable infantile narcissistic tendencies. Note subject's obsessive fixation expressed in cutting out of subject's own/other's penis onto popular photos and images for purpose of compulsive gratification.

1. Collateral warning signs of possible antisocial disorder: Subject's spouse depicted as "unintelliible," with a history of casual ordinary conflict. Furthermore, definite commonality in spouse's and subject's passive physical motor. Spouse appears "internally withdrawn," disconnected and subdued. Later: Spouse show's attachment to toys (stuffed animals).

Subject becomes visibly animated while considering exhibitionism and related activities (sewing, posing).

2. Collateral warning signs of possible antisocial disorder: Subject's pet (cat) grossly overweight.

Inappropriate (familiar) display of self-pornography.

"Free of self-conscious"

....and here are the forcing, exploitation, and aggression:

-display of self-pornography;
-sexualizing of popular media for personal aggrandizement;
-and inappropriately public displays of exhibitionism.

All of these are agressive. The forcing is in the intended or unconscionable allowing of presentation of materials which are overtly antisocial (ie self-pornography, anus and stained underwear, et al). And the exploitation is of individuals such as children, others, ourselves (from the author claims re showing and use of the photos, et al) without consent or restraint. This is even after considerable feedback, instruction and warning (family, daughter, police, et al).

The only reason I mentioned sociopathy in the first place was because the obviousness of it was being both ignored and applauded.

Over-thinking a plate of beans? Well, in this case, it's one of those plates of beans with which I am more than casually acquainted. Ask me about: comic books, animal linguistics, art commerce, Key West/the Florida McMullens, magazine publishing, Andre The Giant Has A Posse, empathy, teaching, writing, or marcom, and I promise more of the same. YMMV
posted by humannaire at 7:30 PM on March 10, 2008

Dude, you're weirding me out way more than Uncle Dirty.
posted by five fresh fish at 9:13 PM on March 10, 2008 [2 favorites]

Thanks, humannaire.

There's a lot that I'm willing to write off to age and carelessness (especially the facial & motor stuff, the cat's weight...really, those are just normal). The points about Alga may be valid, but without greater knowledge of her mental disability it's very difficult to know her limitations and how they relate to Uncle Dirty. I don't think we know enough to properly interpret many of these details. Narcissism and compulsiveness, though, I'll grant absolutely.

I appreciate very much your sincere effort to clarify--I don't agree with you on much of it, obviously, but it's very helpful to get a better idea of what you're talking about!
posted by hippugeek at 10:17 PM on March 10, 2008

....So Jon Arbuckle is a concealed sociopath?
posted by nasreddin at 11:46 PM on March 10, 2008