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But don't talk back to Darth Vader! He'll get ya!
March 20, 2008 11:06 AM   Subscribe

Star Wars according to a 3 year old.
posted by dersins (100 comments total) 20 users marked this as a favorite

 
Next up, Ulysses according to a 3 year old.
posted by demiurge at 11:09 AM on March 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


Ooh, how about The Deer Hunter as told by a three year old?
posted by Pollomacho at 11:11 AM on March 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


Oh man. I have one of these at home. There is absolutely nothing more entertaining than conversing with a three year old.
posted by rusty at 11:13 AM on March 20, 2008 [12 favorites]


If that was my kid, I'd think this was great. Otherwise, not so great.
posted by marxchivist at 11:14 AM on March 20, 2008 [4 favorites]


Or any Shakespeare, featuring Paul Scofield, who has just died..
posted by etaoin at 11:14 AM on March 20, 2008


Oh, I'm a fan of the films, but I can't say she didn't cover the spirit perfectly.
posted by grubi at 11:14 AM on March 20, 2008


That kid makes me reconsider my stance on not having children.
posted by papakwanz at 11:15 AM on March 20, 2008


I saw this a few weeks back. This confirms I am cooler than Metafilter. Suck it.
posted by chunking express at 11:15 AM on March 20, 2008 [4 favorites]


You said "suck it". This confirms you are not cooler than Metafilter.

Recursiveness is a bitch.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 11:16 AM on March 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


...And then I am asking WTF was a three year old doing watching Star Wars and feeling like an old fart (who has a three year old).
posted by BrodieShadeTree at 11:18 AM on March 20, 2008


I had no idea Michael Bay had done interviews about Star Wars.
posted by shmegegge at 11:19 AM on March 20, 2008 [5 favorites]


Indeed, they blowed up the big thing thing quite well.
posted by aerotive at 11:19 AM on March 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


Color me skeptical. As an adult, I still couldn't explain the mess that is Star Wars that coherently.
posted by DU at 11:19 AM on March 20, 2008


I was three when my parents (my father, really; my mom was the Trekkie of the family) dragged me to a marathon of all three Star Wars movies. I could not understand the horrible malice of Darth Vader, the emptiness of space, or why the good guys didn't just go "home" to get away from the horrible nasties. You just can't imagine the scars. To this day, I've never sat all the way through one of those torturous movies. Whenever people talk about how much they love Star Wars, I wonder what movies they watched.

Strange how context can color an experience to create such varied impressions.
posted by Eideteker at 11:23 AM on March 20, 2008


I have some sad news for everyone. I am sorry to have to be the one to break this to you. My shoulders are heavy with this responsibility:

Small children are not as cute as you think they are.
posted by Dr. Wu at 11:27 AM on March 20, 2008 [20 favorites]


I like the way she says "We blowd it up together" like she participated in the battle against the deathstar. I wish anything in my life seemed as exciting to me as this movie apparently was to her even broken into 3 parts over 3 days.
posted by Megafly at 11:29 AM on March 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


Dr. Wu, small children are pretty cute. On a scale from 1 to cute i'd rank them a cute.
posted by chunking express at 11:32 AM on March 20, 2008 [14 favorites]


I'm guessing we MeFis are done with all the uncritical cooing after seeing this a couple weeks back. Having had our moment of uncritical reaction, now we're ready for some right proper snarkin'.

In addition to trying to preempt the inevitable sneering tide, I also wanted to note that the 3-year old in question is actually quite remarkable for such a one. In particular, toddlers gab, sure. They often gab entertainingly. But this bundle of cute loquacity is able to identify and synthesize concept of morality from cinematic narrative.

She's smart. Fucking way smart. Her ability to interpret cinematic narrative outstrips the ability of many 19-year olds. I'm humbled and honored to be a member of her species.
posted by mistersquid at 11:37 AM on March 20, 2008 [4 favorites]


I love how she only really described the parts of the movie she was paying attention to. I wonder how a 3-year-old boy's explanation of the movie would differ...

"And then, and then the spaceship shot more lasers like pteoow pteow and then the death star blew up alberoon and it was like FOOOOOOOOOMMMMSSHHH and then yoda was like mmmm nnnn nnn the force nnnn!"
posted by tehloki at 11:38 AM on March 20, 2008 [5 favorites]


Small children are not as cute as you think they are.

Anyone saying things like "he teaches Luke how to learn how to do his little lightup sword; he has to try to block the little pokey ball..." is cute, whether they're a three year old girl or not.

Well, OK, maybe not if they're an overweight 40-year-old guy with a neckbeard and ponytail. But still.
posted by dersins at 11:40 AM on March 20, 2008 [2 favorites]


...but don't talk back to Darth Vader! He'll gitcha!

made me ovulate.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 11:42 AM on March 20, 2008 [13 favorites]


my favorite part: "the shiny guy (C3PO) always worries."

too true, little cabbage. too true.
posted by CitizenD at 11:43 AM on March 20, 2008 [3 favorites]


A few years back, I thought it would be fun to introduce my son to the original Star Wars trilogy. Bad move; during opening sequence, during the extended pan across the bottom of the massive Imperial Star Destroyer pursing the rebel ship, he grew increasingly agitated before fleeing the room screaming "THIS MOVIE IS FREAKING ME OUT!"

He was 8 at the time. I thought he was ready.
posted by jamaro at 11:44 AM on March 20, 2008 [6 favorites]


"And then, and then the spaceship shot more lasers like pteoow pteow and then the death star blew up alberoon and it was like FOOOOOOOOOMMMMSSHHH and then yoda was like mmmm nnnn nnn the force nnnn!"

Dude. Yoda? I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to revoke your internets license.
posted by dersins at 11:44 AM on March 20, 2008 [8 favorites]


Yoda was like that, it just happened off-screen.
posted by brain_drain at 11:46 AM on March 20, 2008


Stupid kid. The Sand People don't capture robots. Jawas do.
posted by yeti at 11:47 AM on March 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


He was 8 at the time. I thought he was ready.

I've got a 7 and a 9 year old. I want to show them Princess Bridge but I can't, because they go into shock (literal, medical, have-to-lie-down-and-get-all-gray SHOCK) if they see even a drop of simulated blood.

Apparently they need to build their characters. Too much sparing of the rod. And so forth.
posted by DU at 11:47 AM on March 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


Small children are not as cute as you think they are.

Little kids are cuter than Steely Dan fans. Case in point.
posted by saladin at 11:52 AM on March 20, 2008 [3 favorites]


There's some new cute kid internet meme every week that gets covered by the fluff news shows. I wonder, when these kids get old, do they get to put this on their resume? "My name is Sally, I have a BA from University of Indiana, and when I was two, my parents posted a video of me punching a cake that got 780,000 views on YouTube".
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:55 AM on March 20, 2008 [5 favorites]


Y'all's kids are pussies. I saw Watership Down when I was seven.

...and had screaming nightmares for a month. MUM MUM THE RABBITS ARE GOING TO EAT ME!
posted by aihal at 11:55 AM on March 20, 2008 [3 favorites]


It's better than "The US Constitution according to a three-year-old" which I feel oddly as if I've actually been living through for quite some years now.
posted by Wolfdog at 12:03 PM on March 20, 2008 [27 favorites]


video of me punching a cake

Link please.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:03 PM on March 20, 2008 [5 favorites]


god, it took me so long to realize DU was talking about Princess Bride. I even went and googled Princess Bridge before google finally asked me if I meant Princess Bride. internets 1, my intelligence 0.

also, it's the same way with me. Every time I try to show little children Takashi Miike's Ichi The Killer, they get all freaked out for god knows what reason.
posted by shmegegge at 12:10 PM on March 20, 2008 [2 favorites]


I have a one year old. I find her cute. But I do not expect other people to.
posted by rhymer at 12:12 PM on March 20, 2008


I have a ten-month old. I find her cute. And everyone else had better, too, or there's something wrong with them.

Well... not really. But in the syrup-filled corners of my heart I do sometimes wonder how on earth anyone could not find her cute.
posted by papercake at 12:20 PM on March 20, 2008 [2 favorites]


Good one, Wolfdog. That one made me cackle.
posted by drinkcoffee at 12:22 PM on March 20, 2008


There is absolutely nothing more entertaining than conversing with a three year old.
Eh, maybe. These guys are pretty fun conversationalists too, though.
posted by Wolfdog at 12:28 PM on March 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


Hey! I posted this to MeCha! Nice to see it here on the blue.
posted by not_on_display at 12:31 PM on March 20, 2008


*hangs head in shame*

Little did I know that in impersonating a 3-year-old, I would begin to take on the star wars knowledge of one.
posted by tehloki at 12:33 PM on March 20, 2008


I am not generally coo-ey around kids, unless they can mix a competent gin and tonic. That said, I liked this much more than thought I would.
posted by everichon at 12:35 PM on March 20, 2008


By that age, I had probably been introduced to the Star Wars saga by way of the children's book and tape (with R2D2 chirping to let you know when to turn the page), so I was well prepared for the film the first time I saw it on television circa 1980.
posted by evilcolonel at 12:36 PM on March 20, 2008


Meh. Cute, sure, but have her do her schtik for Starship Troopers, then I'll be impressed.

Or maybe Pulp Fiction.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 12:38 PM on March 20, 2008


See also: Star Wars according to an adult with the maturity of a three year old.
posted by Rhaomi at 12:41 PM on March 20, 2008 [3 favorites]


My daughter hums the "Jeopardy" theme as a lullaby. To me, that's fucking adorable. You're free to disagree.
posted by ColdChef at 12:41 PM on March 20, 2008 [5 favorites]


Eideteker: someone I know feels much the same way about "E.T.", stemming from a similarly bad experience at a young age.
posted by WCityMike at 12:47 PM on March 20, 2008


papercake: your kid tried to eat my face!

stheriously!

she IS pretty damn qte, tho. not a bad way to die, i guess.
posted by CitizenD at 12:48 PM on March 20, 2008


wolfdog: that video gave me an anurysym from laughing so hard. thanks a lot, bub.
posted by CitizenD at 12:48 PM on March 20, 2008


Sadly, my son has never made it through the THX demo without getting scared and running from the room. He’s not quite ready for Star Wars yet.
posted by bondcliff at 12:49 PM on March 20, 2008


This would have been a lot cuter if it wasn't so obvious that she was being gleefully coached by someone whom I can only assume is MUCH less cute.
posted by [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST] at 12:50 PM on March 20, 2008


I've got a 7 and a 9 year old. I want to show them Princess [Bride] but I can't, because they go into shock (literal, medical, have-to-lie-down-and-get-all-gray SHOCK) if they see even a drop of simulated blood.

Heck, why don't you read the book to them?
posted by FelliniBlank at 12:51 PM on March 20, 2008


CitizenD: she'll put anything in her mouth these days...
posted by papercake at 12:51 PM on March 20, 2008


As the only person in the world to have never watched the Star Wars movies, I found this both insightful and adorable.

Maybe I'll just have to add them to my netflix queue.
posted by Inversehelix at 12:56 PM on March 20, 2008


I can't wait to have kids. I'm going to let my three year old to babble pleasantly like this about anything she likes - ponies, Star Wars, whatever. I'll also train her to pause in mid-babble, lock eyes with the adult she's speaking with, reach out and place her tiny hand on their larger one, and whisper very softly, "You will die soon."

Then she can go back to babbling about the adventures of Bob the Builder or sing a little song.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 12:56 PM on March 20, 2008 [41 favorites]


robocop, will you marry me?
posted by CitizenD at 12:58 PM on March 20, 2008


As someone who loathes small children, I can assure the rest of you too blind to see it, that the only cute children exist between the ages of 2 and 4 and even then, only for limited doses.

She does have some qualities that I like a good reviewer though, and I would, however, be interested on hearing her thoughts on Meet the Feebles or Pink Flamingos.
posted by quin at 12:58 PM on March 20, 2008


I would, however, be interested on hearing her thoughts on Meet the Feebles or Pink Flamingos.

. . . and then the man-lady picked up the doggie doody and ated it all up!
posted by brain_drain at 1:05 PM on March 20, 2008


Great, so now we're recycling stuff that's been through the digestive system of Fark, Digg, and jebus knows what else.

Good show.
posted by Krrrlson at 1:08 PM on March 20, 2008 [1 favorite]



Small children are not as cute as you think they are.

Especially when they are not yours...
posted by Mastercheddaar at 1:08 PM on March 20, 2008


My coworker took his four-year old to see Episode 3, where Darth Vadar gets burned up, and I asked him if that wasn't a little scary for a 4 year old. "Nope, 4-year olds pretty much understand that if you have a sword fight on a volcano planet, you're going to get burned up."

Nuff said.

Plus, don't talk back to Darth Vadar, he'll gitcha. (This now replaces "let the Wookie win" on my bulletin board.)
posted by nax at 1:08 PM on March 20, 2008


My sister, at considerably older than 4, refused to go out to the barn to do her chores in the morning because, quote, "the Nothing was out there."
posted by Wolfdog at 1:12 PM on March 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


My six year old boy has memorized every single character, place, event and plot element of all of the star wars movies, and he's only seen episode 4. I have no idea how this happens, but my theories all involve George Lucas and orbital microwave laser devices.
posted by felix at 1:14 PM on March 20, 2008


WCityMike, is it me? Because I had a similarly alienating experience with E.T. The alienation in the movies alienated me from the movies.
posted by Eideteker at 1:16 PM on March 20, 2008


I want to show them Princess Bridge but I can't

I do not think it means what you think it means.
posted by etaoin at 1:28 PM on March 20, 2008 [6 favorites]


Great, so now we're recycling stuff that's been through the digestive system of Fark, Digg, and jebus knows what else.

But this is a different website. Things can be on several websites! The internet has a lot of space.
posted by ORthey at 1:35 PM on March 20, 2008 [2 favorites]


Princess Bridge

Is that the one where Bill Gates and Warren Buffet play to woo the women of East and North?
posted by yeti at 1:40 PM on March 20, 2008


I once went to a screening of From Hell, dismayed to find two parents had sat their THREE YEAR OLD next to me. I have never been so uncomfortable at a movie in my life. (Other than when I went to The Crying Game with my dad, of course.) I wanted to thrash those two people and barely contained myself from doing so.

And yet... now I find myself wondering how this little boy might've recapped that movie...
posted by miss lynnster at 2:08 PM on March 20, 2008


I think the little girl's dad is wrong. They aren't "balls that are pokey", they are "balls that pokey"! That one pokes the SHIT out of Luke.
posted by Ogre Lawless at 2:11 PM on March 20, 2008


oh, no way you guys, three year olds are likely referring to Pokeballs.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 2:19 PM on March 20, 2008


Her ability to interpret cinematic narrative outstrips the ability of many 19-year olds.

It certainly puts George Lucas to shame.
posted by yath at 2:19 PM on March 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


AV, the poster of the video denies that it's a pokeball reference in the explanation of the video.
posted by agregoli at 2:22 PM on March 20, 2008


oh piffle
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 2:27 PM on March 20, 2008


that was excellent!
posted by every_one_needs_a_hug_sometimes at 2:43 PM on March 20, 2008


I like cute kid things. This is one of my favorite cute kid vids.
posted by madamjujujive at 2:52 PM on March 20, 2008


Yeah, that was pretty cute. NOT AS CUTE AS SEA OTTERS HOLDING HANDS. But, still, pretty cute.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 3:02 PM on March 20, 2008


Next, a three year old explains Cannibal Holocaust. Then Child Protective Services are called.
posted by DecemberBoy at 3:08 PM on March 20, 2008


When I first saw this I was convinced she was parroting the interpretation her parents had given her while watching the movie. ("What's that?" "Darth Vader... Gotta be careful or he'll get ya!") It doesn't sound coached, but it does sound like loose mimicking of the way an adult would talk to a 3-year-old about Star Wars. After reading the sincere-sounding response to the celebrity, I'm not as convinced though.
posted by pokermonk at 3:13 PM on March 20, 2008


Small kids are cute. It's nature's way of keeping you from noticing they are also delicious BBQ.
posted by srboisvert at 3:37 PM on March 20, 2008


OK. Worst kid-movie experience ever?

Jaws, in the theater, age 7. Thanks, Mom and Dad!

Two solid weeks of nightmares. (Bed is the boat, big shark jaws gaping down at my feet, etc.)

Didn't go in the ocean for two years. Didn't go in a pool for nine months.

To this day, I still won't be the farthest person out from the beach. Someone's always gotta be farther out in the water.

'Cause that's who the sharks get.
posted by gottabefunky at 3:50 PM on March 20, 2008 [2 favorites]


Things can be on several websites! The internet has a lot of space.

And it's a natural law that crap expands to fit all available space, yes. I remember from the trial.
posted by Krrrlson at 3:54 PM on March 20, 2008


WCityMike, is it me? Because I had a similarly alienating experience with E.T. The alienation in the movies alienated me from the movies.
posted by Eideteker


Nah, it's me. Or it SHOULD be. I was maybe 5 when I saw it, and spent most the movie whimpering under a jacket.
posted by Windigo at 4:05 PM on March 20, 2008


We should have MEFI MEETUPS FOR TODDLERS!!!!
I'll bring the cake.
You guys bring the liquor, wet-naps, and sippy cups.
posted by Dizzy at 4:31 PM on March 20, 2008


If for some unexplainable reason it came down to either three-year-olds or otters, I would be out whistling a merry inhuming tune as I wheeled a big barrowful down to the child pits. (On the way back, I would pop by the shore and check to see if there was anything the otters needed.)
posted by Wolfdog at 4:50 PM on March 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


Princess Bridge

(That's my nickname.)

Did anyone else notice the irony in the updated blurb?

"Business inquiries/agents: Thanks for your interest. At the current time we have no intention of exposing our little one to the destroyer of youth that is the entertainment industry."

Gee, dad, where do movies come from? And how did I get famous again?
posted by BridgetR at 5:14 PM on March 20, 2008


To this day, I still won't be the farthest person out from the beach. Someone's always gotta be farther out in the water.

'Cause that's who the sharks get.


Derail: Sharks are choosier than that.
posted by humannaire at 5:30 PM on March 20, 2008


I'd like to know how many of you have actually sat down and talked one-on-one with a little kid. Because it's fun. LOTS of fun. And you all used to be one (and many still are, apparently).

I thought it was cute, worth my time to watch, and I am not so jaded that I have to pretend otherwise. Or maybe I'm just a very uncool person. In which case, I'll sit with the uncool crowd and eat cake and drink juice.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:50 PM on March 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


I have Fig Newtons and really cold milk, Marie M D, and I'll share.
posted by Dizzy at 6:59 PM on March 20, 2008


Worst semi-kid movie experience ever: My wife (who may not have been my wife yet) and I were visiting my parents for a holiday. They didn't know each other terribly well yet, and everyone was a little anxious. Someone opens a package that arrives in the mail, and out falls an ad for Traffic. We were hunting for something to do that afternoon anyway, right? So flash forward: suddenly I am sitting in a darkened room between the woman I love and my mother, watching a sixteen-year-old onscreen prostitute herself for coke, wondering if anyone would notice if I died.

My favorite part of telling kids stories is learning which parts they see fit to tell back to you. My two-year-old is starting to educate me quite a bit.
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 7:07 PM on March 20, 2008



Plus, don't talk back to Darth Vadar, he'll gitcha

dark vader, people. Geez, its like some of you never saw the movie as kids.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 7:19 PM on March 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


Three years old seems way too young to be watching Star Wars.

But not Store Wars! (The local science museum has it playing in a continuous loop, so our kids--4 and 6--have seen it a lot. The other day our 6-year-old was making a funny noise and saying, "I'm broccoli!" Took a little while before I figured he was talking about Chew-broccoli.)
posted by russilwvong at 8:33 PM on March 20, 2008


And it's a natural law that crap expands to fit all available space, yes. I remember from the trial.

I sense a disturbance in your ass.
posted by homunculus at 8:38 PM on March 20, 2008


Y'all's kids are pussies. I saw Watership Down when I was seven.

I saw Zardoz when I was five, top that.
posted by Meatbomb at 9:33 PM on March 20, 2008


I was going to add that I saw Raiders of the Lost Ark at six, but I don't think that tops Meatbomb's, melting Nazis or not.

Of course, my brother watched it with me, and he was around three at the time. We watched it at my grandmother's house, who also thought that my little bro would also love Zulu. We didn't really watch many movies at grandma's house after that afternoon.

As an aside, the original trilogy was one of the few movies that I would watch as a kid that wasn't a cartoon. We had it on Laser disc. /nostalgia
posted by kosher_jenny at 11:00 PM on March 20, 2008


I memorized two movies the year that I was 8: The little Mermaid and Silence of the Lambs.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 11:16 PM on March 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


She's obviously smarter and far more talented than George Lucas. No, really.
posted by zardoz at 11:40 PM on March 20, 2008


(But mad props to Zardoz at 5, Meatbomb [and naturally, you, great and powerful zardoz] that's 20 years of enlightenment on me. I'm still dying to go as Arthur for Halloween, though.)
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:03 AM on March 21, 2008


I was two tears old when I started watching "Triumph of the Will" every afternoon at Leni R's Daycare Bunker.
Play will make us free!
posted by Dizzy at 5:11 AM on March 21, 2008 [2 favorites]


I watched The Exorcist on TV with my old man when I was 3. When I got scared, he told me it was just TV, not real, and shuddup so he could hear. So, I shuddup and learned that if I really wanted to impress people that I was sick, I should vomit on them and make my head spin around. I tried for years to figure out how to make my head spin like that.

3-year-old humans may possibly be the most entertaining conversationalists in this world and the best movie reviewers. I mean, c'mon, like you'd rather listen to Roger Ebert?
posted by notashroom at 11:02 AM on March 21, 2008


My mom once dragged me out of bed when I was 8 or so to watch the scene in The Shining where Jack hacks down the bathroom door and says "Wendy, I'm home" with a huge grin on his face.

She thought it was one of the funniest things she had ever seen and wanted me to share in that.

My mom is awesome.
posted by quin at 11:08 AM on March 21, 2008


Y'all's kids are pussies. I saw Watership Down when I was seven.

...and had screaming nightmares for a month. MUM MUM THE RABBITS ARE GOING TO EAT ME!


I was even younger (four, five?) and had nightmares about creepy rabbits and fires for YEARS. It still makes me shudder.
posted by lunasol at 6:03 PM on March 21, 2008


Darth Vader strikes back in Jedi's back garden
posted by homunculus at 9:24 AM on March 29, 2008


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