America's Captains of Industry!

March 20, 2008 4:02 PM

As is the custom these days, GMAC Bank is suing mortgage broker HTFC for selling them improperly secured loans. The deposition of HTFC's CEO Aron Wider reads like a Joe Pesci role with 73 creative uses of the f-word over twelve hours of testimony. A federal judge fined Mr. Wider and his attorney $29K for Mr. Wider's constant use of bad language, insults, refusals to answer questions, and his lawyer's failure to control his client.
posted by uaudio (53 comments total)

The $29K might sound excessive, but it's actually just what it cost to replace the 237 Linguos that spontaneously exploded during the course of the deposition.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 4:10 PM on March 20 [1 favorite]

'Cause Chevy didn't make a 327 in '55, the 327 didn't come out till '62. And it wasn't offered in the Bel Air with a four-barrel carb till '64. However, in 1964, the correct ignition timing would be four degrees before top-dead-center.
posted by BeerFilter at 4:14 PM on March 20 [6 favorites]

Portfolio.com notes that the classy Mr. Wider got hit by a $29, 000 sanction for his performance, despite his lawyer's claim that his abusive language was caused by an anxiety disorder.

How much would the fine have been if the lawyer just came out and said that his client was a corporate sociopath?
posted by bunnytricks at 4:16 PM on March 20

This guy is a fuck genius.
posted by synaesthetichaze at 4:16 PM on March 20

Oh my; that HTFC website is certainly hard on the eyes...
posted by Slothrup at 4:16 PM on March 20

Eugene Volokh wrote a short post about this sanction, including a link to U.S. District Judge Eduardo C. Robreno's 44-page opinion.
posted by RichardP at 4:19 PM on March 20

This guy is a fuck genius.

That's "creative use of the f-word" #1 for this thread. Still a long fuckin way to go to get to 73 though.
posted by burnmp3s at 4:20 PM on March 20

Let me fucking help you out with that.
We all gotta do our fuckin' part!
posted by Dizzy at 4:25 PM on March 20

Christ, what a fuck face.

(Should "fuck face" be hyphenated? I think so, although in the transcript, it isn't.)
posted by rtha at 4:28 PM on March 20

Oh my; that HTFC website is certainly hard on the eyes...
Quick! Name as many relics of 90's web design as you can in 60 seconds from that page.

I'll start. #1 animated globe GIF...
posted by junesix at 4:29 PM on March 20

"That watch costs more than your car. I made 970,000 dollars last year, how much you make? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father. Fuck you, go home and play with your kids. You want to work here, close. You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cock-sucker? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a sit. If you don't like it, leave. I can go out there tonight, the materials you got, make myself 15,000 dollars. Tonight. In two hours. Can you? Can you?"
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:35 PM on March 20

Huh. I think of antiquated web design as a sign of the eccentric but harmless ranter. I figured all of the true corporate assholes had gone to fuckin' CSS by now.
posted by roll truck roll at 4:36 PM on March 20

I'm an attorney in NYC, and I had a client a few years ago, in a personal injury case, that cursed almost that many times in a deposition. Oddly enough, noone get pissed off at the time, and I did remind him a few times to cut it out. I can only presume the lack of angry attorneys and subsequent sanctions came from the fact that the whole case I was dealing with was filled with mobster wannabes who just thought it was funny. I thought we were breaking new ground actually gangsters tryng out suing each other rather than shooting each other, just to see what happened.

Anyway pardon the minor threadjack. Oh, and Fuck.
posted by Aversion Therapy at 4:36 PM on March 20

We all gotta do our fuckin' part!

You are absolutely the fuck right we fuckin' do. I mean, fuck, if this fucking internet place can't the fuck out-"fuck" some fuckin' fuck of a fuckin' mortgage broker, we should fuckin' all the fuck be fuckin' ashamed of ourselves.
posted by dersins at 4:37 PM on March 20

It also played music and hosed my browser. Wow, it's like they called MySpace for web design consulting.
posted by ninjew at 4:38 PM on March 20

"It also played music..."

Not just music, shitty music.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:41 PM on March 20

Not just music, shitty music.

You mean shitty fucking music, right? We've got a quota to meet here.

Slacker.
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:43 PM on March 20

I would have preferred "fucking shitty music", as "shitty fucking music" would, to me, indicate something like Skinny Puppy, or perhaps Boxcar Willie.

But what the fuck ever. Suit your fucking self.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:50 PM on March 20

Would you shit-fuckers quit fucking this thread's mother?

I have the "coffee is for closers" scene memorized, and if I get bored in the car when driving alone, I play all the parts. It would be kind of a bad time to get pulled over.

"License and registration, please."

"A-I-D-A"

"Excuse me?"

"A - Attention. Do I have your attention?"

"You're beginning to get it."

"I - Interest. Are you interested? I know you are, because it's fuck or walk--you close or you hit the bricks."

"Please get out of the car, keep your hands where I can see them."

"D- Decision. Have you made your decision, for Christ?"

"I have now, get out of the car!"

"A - And action."

[Sound of tazer hitting my body.]
posted by maxwelton at 4:53 PM on March 20 [2 favorites]

Based on his boldness, this guy passes my litmus test for Ok, even if I wouldn’t want him to move next door or marry my daughter. Then again, I wouldn’t want a cop to do that either. Government is a criminal enterprise too. They just shit out more flags and bibles than Tony Soprano.
posted by Huplescat at 4:55 PM on March 20

Wider is a cunt, but he's not the most difficult witness ever. Surely that prize goes to Arnold Chrysler, who was tried in London in 2002 for the theft of 40,000 apparently useless hotel coathangers. I say *apparently* because... oh, well, you really have to read his testimony.
posted by unSane at 5:02 PM on March 20 [10 favorites]

This bit from Chrysler is particularly brilliant:

Judge: Tell me, Mr Chrysler, do these businessmen of yours also have Gideon Bibles by their bedside at home?

Chrysler: Many of them, sir.

Judge: And where do you get the Gideon Bibles from?

Chrysler: Alas, they, too, have to be taken from hotels.

Judge: Then why are you not also up on a charge of Bible-stealing?

Chrysler: Because the Bibles do not belong to the hotels. They belong to the Gideon Society. And the Gideon Society has decided not to prosecute me, but to forgive me and tell me to go and sin no more.

Judge: And have you sinned no more?

Chrysler: Alas, no.

posted by unSane at 5:04 PM on March 20 [4 favorites]

I think any typical Joe Pesci role would have a lot more than 73 "fuck"s in 12 hours. That's about 6 an hour, or one every 10 minutes, which means that in a typical movie it would be about 9-12 "fuck"s. That's not really very much at all, and way below Joe Pesci's par, I think.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 5:04 PM on March 20

Only 28 "fucks" so far.
I'm fucking ashamed of you, my brothers and sisters.
(er, 29.)
posted by Dizzy at 5:05 PM on March 20

Listen you fuckstained fuck-knuckle, counting the fucks in a thread is a fucking waste of everyones fucking precious fucking time, and frankly, fucktarded.
posted by lumpenprole at 5:11 PM on March 20

You had me at "Listen", you fucking MENSA-meat.
posted by Dizzy at 5:19 PM on March 20

I want to know what happened to that Chrysler guy. Did he dodge the charges?
posted by mr_crash_davis at 5:21 PM on March 20 [2 favorites]

I dunno, I consider fuckface, like butthole before it, to be a compound word. Pig fucker is an adjectival phrase but that's as far as I'm going to go.
posted by sugarfish at 5:21 PM on March 20

Now I'm wondering what would happen if Widen met Chrysler.

I'm pretty sure it's a movie.

/goes to write movie
posted by unSane at 5:29 PM on March 20

I'm pretty fuckin' sure fuckface is one fuckin' word.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 5:35 PM on March 20

Hopefully he lied somewhere in there, under oath. He go off pretty easy for that performance. Guys like this should always get the video dep.
posted by caddis at 5:37 PM on March 20

After careful fucking consideration, I've concluded that you fucktards who say "fuck face" is a compound fucking word have hit the fucking nail right on the fucking head. Fuck you very much, you fucking fuckfaces.
posted by rtha at 5:50 PM on March 20

I want to send this man Chrysler some hotel hangers, Gideon bibles and "Do Not Disturb" signs now, just on general principle.
posted by misha at 5:53 PM on March 20

uhm, fuck.

That's all I got.
posted by strontiumdog at 6:02 PM on March 20

Unsane, you are aware that's a piece of humorous fiction by the late humour columnist Miles Kington?
posted by Hogshead at 6:22 PM on March 20

Hogshead, I had a sneaking suspicion, but there's an old journalistic maxim: never let the facts stand in the way of a good story. I've abided by it all my life and will continue to.
posted by unSane at 6:28 PM on March 20

unSane, either way it's the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Thanks.
posted by doctor_negative at 6:41 PM on March 20 [1 favorite]

As of September last year

out of about 660K total words [at Metafilter], [I had] 412 fucks, 335 fuckings, 46 fuckin's, 40 fuckeds, 23 fuckwits, 16 fuckers and fuckses both, 13 fuckerses and motherfuckers, 8 fuckwitses, 7 clusterfucks, 6 fuckheads, 5 fuckstickses and mothefuckerses, 4 chicken-fuckings and fuckalls and fuckerys and fuckos.

Also, 3 fucked-ups, fuckoses, fucktards, motherfuckings, skullfucks and unfucks; 2 +fucks, chickenfuckings (curious hyphenation duality, sir), fishfuckers, fuckalls, fuckfaces, fuckitys, fuckins, fuckitys, fuckloads, fucknozzles, fucksakeses, fucksticks, pigfuckses, scumfuckses and whogivesafuckistans.

And each of these are stavrosian fuckish hapex legomena: a-fuckin-men, a-fucking-gain, a-fucking-men, anti-fuck, anyfuckingthing, boo-fucking-hoo, bugfuck, bumblefuckery, child-fuckers, cou-fucking-rant, dog-fucking, dogfucker, donkeyfuck, dumbfuck, dumbfucker, everysinglefuckingissue, father-fucking, fuck-band, fuck-bands, fuck-ups, fuck-wit, fuckamericametafiltercom, fuckbag, fuckers'll, fuckheads, fuckingfilter, fuckjuice-typhoon, fuckknuckles, fucknards, fucknozzles, fucknuckle, fucknugget, fucknut, fuckoff, fuckpig, fuckpiggery, fuckr, fucks-per-minute, fuckswizzle, fuckswizzles, fucktacular, fucktards, fucktastic, fuckton, fucktrolliconica, fuckufuckme, fuckyou, horsefucker, klusterfuck, mothafucka, mothefuckin', motherfucktards, murder-fuck, nicky-fucking-new-guy, nunfucker, pigfuck, shitfucks, shutthefuckup, skull-fuck, skull-fucking, somefucking, somethingorfuckingother, un-fucking-believable, wegiveafuckistan, weirdo-fucknard, what-fucking-ever, whateverthefuck, and, auspiciously, whelk-fuckers.

This guy's a fucking amateur.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 6:51 PM on March 20 [3 favorites]

Listen you fucks, I fuckin' pick bits 'o fuckers like you outta my fuckin' STOOL!

(with fucking apologies to Joe Piscopo)
posted by jalexei at 6:51 PM on March 20

I was a cook for about 12 years and I would guess that I was averaging way more than 73 fucks a day towards the end.

I guess that should read 73 "fucks" a day, because if I was averaging 73 fucks a day well, then fuck!
posted by qldaddy at 7:01 PM on March 20

Props to Wider for the acronym..."Hit That, Fucking Clown."
posted by Exchequer at 7:07 PM on March 20

It's "I shit fuckin PIECES of guys like yoo!"

So a few years ago I was on this bus in New Jersey, and this 20-something guy in the seat behind me was fuckin talking to his fucking brother on a fucking cellphone for forty fucking similarly-adjectived minutes.

Then he got off the bus. And the man who had been sitting next to him spoke aloud, to no one in particular:
"You know how you spell 'New Jersey'?
Fuckin N
Fuckin E
Fuckin doubleya
..."
posted by hexatron at 7:09 PM on March 20

The fuck, you say?
posted by loquacious at 7:51 PM on March 20

I want a fucking car. Right. Fucking. Now.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 8:19 PM on March 20

"Listen you fucks, I fuckin' pick bits 'o fuckers like you outta my fuckin' STOOL!

(with fucking apologies to Joe Piscopo)"

Might want to apologize with someone with talent--someone named Phil Hartman.
posted by sharksandwich at 8:53 PM on March 20

I'm not sure that this will count towards the total since it is an acronym and not an explicit and full expression of the word but WTF?
posted by CuJoe at 10:52 PM on March 20

This is one of the funniest fuckin' threads I've ever had the fuckin' pleasure to read. Kudos to Saucy Intruder for the fuckin' link- I've seen the movie so many fuckin' times on fuckin' tv, I'd fuckin' forgotten about the true fuckin' beauty of that fuckin' scene.

But not to get too far off the real fuckin' topic, has anyone read through that fuckin' HTFC website? Holy Fuck, it's fuckin' unbelievable.
posted by dmand7 at 11:53 PM on March 20

I don’t feel fucking sorry for GMAC. Take a look at Wider’s responses to a Newsday article about the suit. He claims GMAC is suing not only his company, but many others like his, due to huge losses. What I get out of it is that it’s a big fucking finger pointing game.

GMAC funded the Homeowner Preservation Foundation with $20 million in seed money. That is the HOPE project seen on the news in recent months. All the counselors are these folk, who are all probably accessible from going to the HUD website without calling the heavily-funded HOPE hotline. Chase and many others provide funding too. One wonders why these huge companies do not put more money into staffing and training loss mitigation personnel instead of setting up and funding something that already fucking exists.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:35 AM on March 21

This guy is a fucking CEO?

How the fuck did that happen?
posted by eye of newt at 8:31 AM on March 21

You guys are breaking my balls.
posted by porn in the woods at 8:48 AM on March 21

I love threads like this because they give foul mouthed folk like me the opportunity to really cut loose and just let it rip. So without further ado;

Heck and Tarnation! I just love using this kind of danged language! It's so frickin' great to finally be able to express myself with some gosh darned expletives! Golly! I've gone a bit overboard here though, haven't I? Jeeze, I hope no one takes offense.
posted by quin at 10:26 AM on March 21

I'm not as outraged as I thought I'd be - other than the foul language he's just refusing to help the prosecution build a case against him.

They ask if he flipped a property - he says "You tell me.." (although rudely)
posted by TravellingDen at 2:57 PM on March 22

This guy is a fucking CEO?

How the fuck did that happen?

By demonstrating that he could get the job done. A CEO can be rather antisocial, but as long as he's either driving profits up or costs down, he or she can get away with a lot.

He's also a fine example of how "success" is defined here - as long as you can make money, you can do whatever you want. Social skills, empathy, sympathy, ethics, and morals take a back seat to revenue generation.

Waitaminute...let me rephrase that...

He's also a fine fuckin' example of how "success" is fuckin' defined here - as long as you fuckers can make some fuckin' money, you can fucking do whatever the fuck you want. Fuckin' social skills, empathy, fuckin' sympathy, all that fuckin' happy horseshit takes a back fuckin' seat to fuckin' revenue generation.

(That should satisfy the demands of this particular thread.)
posted by FormlessOne at 5:54 PM on March 22