Comments on: The Empire Strikes Back

The Empire Strikes Back

fearfulsymmetry — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 06:09:33 -0800

So brothers Barney and Daniel Jones, aka Jonba Hehol and Morda Hehol, Jedi Masters, started their own church, and began planning their moon base, but they had underestimated the power of the Dark Side...

By: Faint of Butt

Faint of Butt — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 06:19:29 -0800

What did they expect, really?

By: rokusan

rokusan — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 06:22:44 -0800

...a man, dressed in a black bin-bag and wearing Darth Vader's trademark shiny black helmet, leapt over his garden fence... wielding a metal crutch... Wow. Times are tough in the post-bubble Galactic Empire.

By: BeerFilter

BeerFilter — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 06:25:22 -0800

Ah-HA!

By: MNDZ

MNDZ — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 06:33:10 -0800

Drunk vader seems like my kinda guy

By: Avenger

Avenger — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 06:37:02 -0800

Oh Alcohol, is there no metal object you cannot make us wield?

By: mctsonic

mctsonic — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 06:41:09 -0800

"Ready are you? What know you of ready? For eight hundred years have I trained Jedi. My own counsel will I keep on who is to be trained. A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind. This one a long time have I watched. All his life has he looked away... to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph. Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. Drinking a fifth of Everclear punch, dressing in a garbage bag and swinging a handicap aid at peaceful Jedi and camera crews, Hmpf. A Jedi craves not these things. You are reckless."

By: nola

nola — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 06:44:11 -0800

First they came for the scientologist and I said nothing . . .

By: podwarrior

podwarrior — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 06:46:19 -0800

If you're going to profess to teach light saber skills it follows you should probably know some. Another church lies. "Darth Vader Lives"

By: malevolent

malevolent — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 06:49:22 -0800

If George Lucas had grown up in Holyhead, Star Wars probably would've featured a binbag-wearing, crutch-wielding Darth Vader in the first place. The Imperial Star Destroyer would've been the ferry over to Ireland, and Yoda would be played by an alcoholic pensioner. Hang on, that's already sounding better than The Phantom Menace...

By: PlusDistance

PlusDistance — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 07:09:09 -0800

"Always two there are...no more...no less. A left crutch and a right one."

By: Smart Dalek

Smart Dalek — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 07:33:17 -0800

My name is Qui-Gon Darth. I am a Jedi. It has come to my attention that a certain individual, who shall remain nameless, had dared to besmirch the very name and tradition of the following I myself teach to others. Having walked among both the Dark and the Light sides of the Force, I am well aware of the rewardless road this person treads upon. While he is no doubt too lowly to have his name mentioned within the Journal of the Whills, I shall make it MY TASK to ensure that wretch no longer torments the seekers of Truth. My anger shall guide me to this foe, and it shall protect the peace within me as I rend him asunder.

By: Atreides

Atreides — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 07:52:29 -0800

Obviously, the founding of the church falls was a new hope. In response, the Empire struck back by trashing them and their backyard. Next, the church founders will return with a lawsuit and it will all end happily. Until about twenty years from now, when the church will put out a three volume history of the church, depicting how economic competition and failure led the founders to establish the church, followed by the fact that the drunken Vader was actually one of the original founders, who had been convinced to quit after being offered a free fifth at a nearby pub by a bartender with bad teeth looking to hire an assistant.

By: Artw

Artw — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 08:30:49 -0800

How the assailant may have looked Heh.

By: Guy_Inamonkeysuit

Guy_Inamonkeysuit — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 08:56:22 -0800

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

By: Artw

Artw — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 08:57:32 -0800

Bangor maybe?

By: Dizzy

Dizzy — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 08:57:45 -0800

Move along.

By: misha

misha — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 09:30:50 -0800

The journalist who wrote it up was obviously a fan of the Dark Side. Well done.

By: roombythelake

roombythelake — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 12:46:53 -0800

That's what I was gonna say, misha. The article is a stitch, and really makes no pretence of objectivity. My favourite part: "Wielding a metal crutch - his lightsaber presumably being in for repairs - the Sith Lord proceeded to lay about his opponent, whose Jedi powers proved inadequate for the task of defending himself." Let me just repeat that: "whose Jedi powers proved in adequate for the task of defending himself." This is precisely the sort of article I bet journalists tack up over their desk after they write it, to remind them of how good their job can be.

By: not_on_display

not_on_display — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 13:36:17 -0800

Sounds like a case of nerd envy gone awry.

By: dhartung

dhartung — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 16:14:05 -0800

Up next: ASBO for Vader.

By: vrakatar

vrakatar — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 19:16:05 -0800

Obviously the drunk Vader caused the camera crew some inconvenience, and is prepared to compensate them. Shall he say the sum of one million American dollars?

By: homunculus

homunculus — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 16:04:23 -0800

Vader in court.

By: Artw

Artw — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 16:10:32 -0800

when [Vader] failed to arrive on time, District Judge Andrew Shaw issued an arrest warrant, adding: "I hope the force will soon be with him." In the event, [Vader] turned up and the case at Holyhead magistrates court resumed. ... The court heard he has a "chronic alcohol problem" and had drunk the best part of a 10 litre box of wine.

By: fearfulsymmetry

fearfulsymmetry — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 05:58:08 -0800

10 litres? Of Wine? Yes the force was indeed strong...

By: eritain

eritain — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 14:08:32 -0800

Very well, then. Two million.