The Adventure of Many Lifetimes
April 1, 2008 3:01 AM Subscribe
"Google and Virgin Group today announced the launch of Virgle Inc., a jointly owned and operated venture dedicated to the establishment of a human settlement on Mars." Virgle - with their 100 year mission to boldly go where no tycoons have gone before - to Mars! Why not join their startup civilization (apply here folks), become a pioneer and live in Virgle City! But for all of you potential astronauts out there - don't look here!
It's 3 am and ClanvidHorse is not being entertained.
posted by Citizen Premier at 3:14 AM on April 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by Citizen Premier at 3:14 AM on April 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
Mars! The impossible dream. I live a mere fifteen from a large cluster of Google Offices. Will I ever get the opportunity to watch the tall ships catch fire and blast off into the sky? I remember dreams of another life, sitting against some chain link fence with litter caught in the bottom. There are not enough dollars in my pocket to catch one of those rocket ships, not even riding low like Earl Dumarest. Is his name dumarest because he is doomed to never rest? I am doomed to never rest and to always stare at those shiny Google bicycles. They shine and stare at the starry sky and wonder at the eternal infinite infancy of humanity as it gasps for the nurturing vacuum of the cosmos. Google and Virgin taunt us with false hopes and jokes that should grip our minds with frenzied desire for flight. Google makes my heart die a little more each day.
posted by Mister Cheese at 3:16 AM on April 1, 2008 [8 favorites]
posted by Mister Cheese at 3:16 AM on April 1, 2008 [8 favorites]
It's 3 am and ClanvidHorse is not being entertained.
It's actually 11am where I am. Every April Fool in the papers that I saw on the train this morning referred to some global corporation or other. Yay, for one day only Guiness is white with a black head! Yay for Virgle! Yay for not being funny in any conceivable way and yay for brand re-inforcement (look we are evil cunts but we can still laugh at ourselves).
posted by ClanvidHorse at 3:23 AM on April 1, 2008 [5 favorites]
It's actually 11am where I am. Every April Fool in the papers that I saw on the train this morning referred to some global corporation or other. Yay, for one day only Guiness is white with a black head! Yay for Virgle! Yay for not being funny in any conceivable way and yay for brand re-inforcement (look we are evil cunts but we can still laugh at ourselves).
posted by ClanvidHorse at 3:23 AM on April 1, 2008 [5 favorites]
Corporate humor is so... mild.
posted by Spacelegoman at 3:27 AM on April 1, 2008 [3 favorites]
posted by Spacelegoman at 3:27 AM on April 1, 2008 [3 favorites]
I remember years ago there was an April fools story in the Observer. Apparently NASA was going to shrink astronauts to the size of toy soldiers in order to save on fuel, oxygen etc- all quite droll.
Years later we had emigrated to Australia and were sitting by the pool sunning ourselves, eating barbecued koala and feeding the kangaroos as one does, when I chanced upon the same story in the Brisbane Courier Mail- in late December.
The Journalist was either very lazy, very dim or had a good sense of humour.
posted by mattoxic at 3:34 AM on April 1, 2008
Years later we had emigrated to Australia and were sitting by the pool sunning ourselves, eating barbecued koala and feeding the kangaroos as one does, when I chanced upon the same story in the Brisbane Courier Mail- in late December.
The Journalist was either very lazy, very dim or had a good sense of humour.
posted by mattoxic at 3:34 AM on April 1, 2008
I dream of the glory days of San Serriffe
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 4:08 AM on April 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 4:08 AM on April 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
This is remarkably un-funny. Like, really, at least the penguins were well done. I can't believe Google and Virgin can't pull just a tiny bit of funny out of their huge, rich asses.
posted by From Bklyn at 4:13 AM on April 1, 2008
posted by From Bklyn at 4:13 AM on April 1, 2008
Some interesting videos being featured at Youtube's UK flavour. An interesting, almost-branding-free documentary on penguins at the BBC.
posted by the cydonian at 4:29 AM on April 1, 2008
posted by the cydonian at 4:29 AM on April 1, 2008
D'oh! Didn't notice that this was already posted. Sorry folks!
posted by the cydonian at 4:30 AM on April 1, 2008
posted by the cydonian at 4:30 AM on April 1, 2008
I prefer the new gmail custom time feature myself.
posted by pointystick at 4:30 AM on April 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by pointystick at 4:30 AM on April 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
Virgle?
Am I the only one having visions of some futuristic utopian underground city with shining plastic domes populated by healthy, happy, dangerously sexy young people clad in - well, little of anything, really - all ruled over by some kind of shiny computer?
Because I think they already did that movie at least once. I'm going go out on a limb here and guess that it was a warning, not a roadmap.
I can just see it now. Google, Apple and Virgin team up to form Googinapp? Grapplin? Virgoople Intergalactic? Whatever.
See, they'll deliver you your whole life in a box. As long as that box is white, and shiny and you sign your EULA.
Job? Sure. House, food, car? You bet. A husband or wife or other life partner? Matched in 0.006 seconds, 99.98% compatibility with 25,000 metrics and vectors culled from a detailed profile of your entire life.
Find your car keys? Easy. (Psst. You don't need keys. Just swipe the printreader or sign up for your Virgoople BioTag.)
They'll even record the whole thing for you. Everything! Never forget a name again! Never lose your photos to flood or fire, ever - Just search for it. Browse millions of sequential, geo-tagged photos and video of yourself from multiple angles. Prove to your wife you were actually at work late! Watch youself being born! Re-live the first time you had sex - over and over. We do! Virgoople was there!
Never lose another creative moment ever again, either. Lost paper? We have it, even if you wrote it with a pen on paper. Hum a few bars of a new song, then forget? We have that too. Every finger-painted picture you've ever hand on the fridge, every grafitti, every doodle, every signed document, every keystroke and mouseclick. (Unfortunately, we can't record thoughts. Yet.)
New user? It's ok. We've already been recording. You can sign up at any time and we'll just patch you into your own files. It's free! Sign up now!
Offer only available to clears at least two years from going red.
Run, runner, run!
posted by loquacious at 4:34 AM on April 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
Am I the only one having visions of some futuristic utopian underground city with shining plastic domes populated by healthy, happy, dangerously sexy young people clad in - well, little of anything, really - all ruled over by some kind of shiny computer?
Because I think they already did that movie at least once. I'm going go out on a limb here and guess that it was a warning, not a roadmap.
I can just see it now. Google, Apple and Virgin team up to form Googinapp? Grapplin? Virgoople Intergalactic? Whatever.
See, they'll deliver you your whole life in a box. As long as that box is white, and shiny and you sign your EULA.
Job? Sure. House, food, car? You bet. A husband or wife or other life partner? Matched in 0.006 seconds, 99.98% compatibility with 25,000 metrics and vectors culled from a detailed profile of your entire life.
Find your car keys? Easy. (Psst. You don't need keys. Just swipe the printreader or sign up for your Virgoople BioTag.)
They'll even record the whole thing for you. Everything! Never forget a name again! Never lose your photos to flood or fire, ever - Just search for it. Browse millions of sequential, geo-tagged photos and video of yourself from multiple angles. Prove to your wife you were actually at work late! Watch youself being born! Re-live the first time you had sex - over and over. We do! Virgoople was there!
Never lose another creative moment ever again, either. Lost paper? We have it, even if you wrote it with a pen on paper. Hum a few bars of a new song, then forget? We have that too. Every finger-painted picture you've ever hand on the fridge, every grafitti, every doodle, every signed document, every keystroke and mouseclick. (Unfortunately, we can't record thoughts. Yet.)
New user? It's ok. We've already been recording. You can sign up at any time and we'll just patch you into your own files. It's free! Sign up now!
Offer only available to clears at least two years from going red.
Run, runner, run!
posted by loquacious at 4:34 AM on April 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
This is not as funny as the other day when it went black for no apparent reason.
posted by Eideteker at 5:15 AM on April 1, 2008
posted by Eideteker at 5:15 AM on April 1, 2008
Did Bush announce his Martian initiative on April Fool's Day? So long ago I can't remember.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 5:22 AM on April 1, 2008
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 5:22 AM on April 1, 2008
If they really wanted to be funny, Google could announce the "New Censorship Plugin for GoogleChina! -- Never worry about reading contraband thoughtcrime material again!"
Cuz that would be fucking hilarious.
posted by Avenger at 5:24 AM on April 1, 2008 [2 favorites]
Cuz that would be fucking hilarious.
posted by Avenger at 5:24 AM on April 1, 2008 [2 favorites]
Yeah, on the other hand, Woot's AF joke is pretty cruel. A woot off - of the same crappy item, all fucking day!
posted by absalom at 5:34 AM on April 1, 2008
posted by absalom at 5:34 AM on April 1, 2008
"Danthoo! and Virgle - a buddy story"
posted by Wolfdog at 5:55 AM on April 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by Wolfdog at 5:55 AM on April 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
I'm celebrating by saying "April Fools" after selected serious remarks.
posted by grobstein at 5:56 AM on April 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by grobstein at 5:56 AM on April 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
Petition to rename April 1st "You're not funny day".
posted by Pope Guilty at 5:59 AM on April 1, 2008
posted by Pope Guilty at 5:59 AM on April 1, 2008
APRIL FOOLS
posted by loquacious at 6:00 AM on April 1, 2008
posted by loquacious at 6:00 AM on April 1, 2008
While the concept itself isn't particularly hilarious, the thing that I do find very amusing about the whole thing is how in-depth they take it. I found it very entertaining to read the very comprehensive 100-year plan, and take their little quiz. There's a lot of subtle humor here to be appreciated.
posted by TurkishGolds at 6:06 AM on April 1, 2008
posted by TurkishGolds at 6:06 AM on April 1, 2008
I'm hoping for intelligent edible aliens. Mmmm; martians!
What. They're always coming here and eating us...
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 6:19 AM on April 1, 2008
What. They're always coming here and eating us...
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 6:19 AM on April 1, 2008
I love the way in the beginning of the video that Larry is struggling oh so hard to stop laughing, and instead resorts to grinning like a loon.
posted by djgh at 6:25 AM on April 1, 2008
posted by djgh at 6:25 AM on April 1, 2008
Because I think they already did that movie at least once.
Jenny Agutter. Gosh, I had the biggest crush on her.
posted by octobersurprise at 6:26 AM on April 1, 2008
Jenny Agutter. Gosh, I had the biggest crush on her.
posted by octobersurprise at 6:26 AM on April 1, 2008
The very sleepy geologist sits down at her computer, rubs her eyes, checks the weather, and then clicks the Metafilter tab, trying to wake up. Mars? Virgle? She sits straight up in chair. Her heart beats faster from excitement and passion. She skips everything else, clicks straight through to "apply." The geology of Mars - it could be hers to study and care for! She answers the questions, laughing, loving that they have a sense of humor. That would be important on the journey there, they would be looking for people with a sense of humor. She carefully considers the question regarding working in an equal society. Of course she thinks it would be a stage before humans reverted to being human, but they probably want people who could work together, but maybe they are looking for honesty...
Then her eyes fall on the question about the universe being a wonderful bounty or a creak in your neck...wait...bounty of god? There is n-noooo...God....wait....if these guys were going to do this, wouldn't she have heard earlier than this, she who had Virgin Galactic pictures on her walls.....
Then, like a protagonist in a really bad movie, her eyes fall on the date on her watch, the computer, her calender. April Fools. April Fucking Fools. The dull heat of anger drums in her temples, and for the first time ever, she knows what it is like to want to punch someone through the internet. "YOU mothershitters! Don't be evil my ass," she shouts.
Then she laughs, because dammit! those corporate bastards got her. Then she hangs her head in shame, because if she is gotten that easily, she probably doesn't have what it takes to be chosen for Mars in the first place.
posted by barchan at 6:47 AM on April 1, 2008 [9 favorites]
Then her eyes fall on the question about the universe being a wonderful bounty or a creak in your neck...wait...bounty of god? There is n-noooo...God....wait....if these guys were going to do this, wouldn't she have heard earlier than this, she who had Virgin Galactic pictures on her walls.....
Then, like a protagonist in a really bad movie, her eyes fall on the date on her watch, the computer, her calender. April Fools. April Fucking Fools. The dull heat of anger drums in her temples, and for the first time ever, she knows what it is like to want to punch someone through the internet. "YOU mothershitters! Don't be evil my ass," she shouts.
Then she laughs, because dammit! those corporate bastards got her. Then she hangs her head in shame, because if she is gotten that easily, she probably doesn't have what it takes to be chosen for Mars in the first place.
posted by barchan at 6:47 AM on April 1, 2008 [9 favorites]
Yeah, I fell for it too. Second year in a row.
posted by bitteroldman at 6:52 AM on April 1, 2008
posted by bitteroldman at 6:52 AM on April 1, 2008
"I'm celebrating by saying 'April Fools' after selected serious remarks."
Eh, it's been done.
posted by Eideteker at 6:55 AM on April 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
Eh, it's been done.
posted by Eideteker at 6:55 AM on April 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
Richard Branson sort of jumped the gun on this one when he "announced" it on Craig Ferguson last night, then eh?
posted by spock at 7:05 AM on April 1, 2008
posted by spock at 7:05 AM on April 1, 2008
Oh, my god, the colors...
posted by loquacious at 7:16 AM on April 1, 2008
posted by loquacious at 7:16 AM on April 1, 2008
Google + Virgin? Quite a interesting group project.
posted by yelloriversouth at 8:00 AM on April 1, 2008
posted by yelloriversouth at 8:00 AM on April 1, 2008
"Google + Virgin? Quite a [sic] interesting group project."
*googles "virgin"*
*google image searches "virgin"*
*google image searches "virgin" with safesearch turned off*
Jackpot!
posted by Eideteker at 8:18 AM on April 1, 2008
*googles "virgin"*
*google image searches "virgin"*
*google image searches "virgin" with safesearch turned off*
Jackpot!
posted by Eideteker at 8:18 AM on April 1, 2008
i prefer "vooogin" or "virjoogle"
i feel like the more we rely on the web (and therefore over caffinated 20-something interns) to parse reality for us, the more nefarious and widespread April Fools Day will become.
"Line of Credit maxed out! HAHAHAHAH April Fools!!!!11"
"Polish Nuclear Blast caught on tape! HAHAHAHA April Fools!!!11"
"Gmail/facebook urdead application! HAHAHAH April Fools!!!11"
"World Bee population mysteriously dying! HAHAHAHA April Fools!!!11"
...
posted by [son] QUAALUDE at 11:24 AM on April 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
i feel like the more we rely on the web (and therefore over caffinated 20-something interns) to parse reality for us, the more nefarious and widespread April Fools Day will become.
"Line of Credit maxed out! HAHAHAHAH April Fools!!!!11"
"Polish Nuclear Blast caught on tape! HAHAHAHA April Fools!!!11"
"Gmail/facebook urdead application! HAHAHAH April Fools!!!11"
"World Bee population mysteriously dying! HAHAHAHA April Fools!!!11"
...
posted by [son] QUAALUDE at 11:24 AM on April 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
HAH man, i've been staring (albeit bleary eyed) at the "gmail backdater" all day and it totally passed through my google prank detector unnoticed.
I just naturally assumed it was another brilliant/irrelevant gmail application that i would never use! HAHAHAH
anyway, the fact that google makes a time/space displacement application (real or not), and i am completely non-plussed is pretty damn hilarious
posted by [son] QUAALUDE at 2:58 PM on April 1, 2008
I just naturally assumed it was another brilliant/irrelevant gmail application that i would never use! HAHAHAH
anyway, the fact that google makes a time/space displacement application (real or not), and i am completely non-plussed is pretty damn hilarious
posted by [son] QUAALUDE at 2:58 PM on April 1, 2008
[son] QUAALUDE: This word does not mean what you think it means.
posted by null terminated at 11:27 PM on April 1, 2008
posted by null terminated at 11:27 PM on April 1, 2008
Next year it'll be the announcement of major corporations to eradicate hunger in Africa....APRIL FOOLS! Haha.
posted by Poagao at 12:37 AM on April 2, 2008
posted by Poagao at 12:37 AM on April 2, 2008
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posted by ClanvidHorse at 3:06 AM on April 1, 2008 [11 favorites]