Don't stick your hand in the fire and you won't get burnt.

April 3, 2008 12:24 AM

Sexual Karate. From the Life Foundations Nexus: Answering The Questions That Others Cannot, such as Why All Evolutionists Are Criminally Insane , For the Gentlemen: How To Tell If You Are A Stupid Man, For the Ladies: Computer-Generated Slut Photodiamines, and other goodies like TV Commercial Hell, and so much more.
posted by amyms (32 comments total)

It's like a LOLXTIANS post without any Ls.
posted by wendell at 12:44 AM on April 3

Remember The Back Button On Your Browser

And I did!
posted by nicwolff at 1:09 AM on April 3 [2 favorites]

Aw, I thought that first link would tell me how to break a board with my penis and some yelling.
posted by ignignokt at 1:16 AM on April 3

The text that says "click" underneath all the navigational image links adds a nice insane feel to the site.
posted by ignignokt at 1:18 AM on April 3

Argh stop not funny stop where are the promised answers stop
posted by WalterMitty at 2:05 AM on April 3

Well now, that was sad.
posted by From Bklyn at 2:16 AM on April 3

Its the King James version of timecube.
posted by TedW at 2:42 AM on April 3 [9 favorites]

I felt like I was reading the label on a Dr. Bronner's magic soap bottle, but instead of quirky and funny it was just weird and sad. Maybe funny but not ha-ha funny?

I think that those "photodiamines" are really unclever Rorschach tests. That's supposed to look like a "slut's low neckline", seriously? I thought I was looking at a really bad picture of a waterfall at first. Maybe it says more about the presenter than anything else.
posted by Talanvor at 2:58 AM on April 3

WHAT WOULD BE WRONGDOING WHILE ONE IS NOT WAKEFULLY DREAMING IS STILL WRONGDOING WHILE ONE IS WAKEFULLY DREAMING.

Well, that's certainly how I've always interpreted things.
posted by robself at 3:08 AM on April 3

SIN

REASON: You are not a good person. You don’t care about doing what is right. You don’t care about God. You don’t care about your family. You don’t care about your wife or husband. You don’t care about your children.
SOLUTION: STOP IT!
posted by meech at 3:11 AM on April 3

So life-affirming. So eye-opening. Really made my day.
posted by Dizzy at 3:47 AM on April 3

What is stronger than sex? There are a number of places we can look to answer this question? We will start with the most unusual one, the concentration camps of Hitler Germany during World War II. Medical studies conducted after the concentration camps were liberated provide abundant evidence of a very simple truth: as the innocent victims of the Hitler madness progressed through various stages of starvation, there was less and less sexual interest until there was no sexual interest at all. Modern studies of famine and starvation in Africa reveal the same simple truth.

Holy living fuck.
posted by psmealey at 3:54 AM on April 3

#6 You are a boring, irrelevant, annoying man if you prescribe the actions and preferences of others based on your own prejudices.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 3:56 AM on April 3

It's like reading the home page of the Kevin Spacey character in Seven.
posted by psmealey at 4:36 AM on April 3

Counter Report

The following counter report is periodically updated with the total number of hits for the currently over 1,000,000 web pages that make up this website.

25,890,445

Oh, rly?
posted by No Mutant Enemy at 4:54 AM on April 3

I'd say it's as solipsistic as the timecube wingnuts, but there's every reason to believe that the latter are at least serious. A little googling reveals that the people on the About Us page don't seem to exist. I don't believe there is a USMC general by the name of "William Hartford" either. And the "Chicago Collegiate Church" does not seem to exist at any particular location, which is a bit unusual to say the least.

The only reason I spent even this much time on it is because yes, there really are people just that crazy.
posted by valkyryn at 5:03 AM on April 3

Photodiamines? I thought it was a ducky and a horsey.

/obscure Peanuts reference
posted by Enron Hubbard at 5:07 AM on April 3 [1 favorite]

I'm reasonably certain that this is parody.

I mean, the fundamentalist Christians believe all this stuff. I was raised in a fundamentalist church, and certainly they believe that you should avoid sexual temptation, that homosexuality is evil, that women should dress modestly, etc. I even heard an evangelist say that you should turn off a television show if you hear the Lord's name used in vain once.

On the other hand, this is so badly written that I don't think it was written by someone who actually holds these views. For example, the obviously made up statistics and quotes in that last link about TV commercials raise a red flag in my mind.

These people genuinely believe this stuff, and there's enough real evidence to support their point that people aren't doing what the Bible says that they don't need to make up statistics and quotes like that. They just need to look at the words of today's popular music, and they do.

You're far more likely to find quotes from Justin Timberlake and Madonna than made up quotes like "75% of TV commercial producers say, 'We have no conscience regarding the showing of obscene content to your children.'"
posted by JDHarper at 5:10 AM on April 3

Actual photographs are scanned into a computer. In this case, around 10,000 images were scanned.

Trust me, he didn't want to have to look at 10,000 pictures of sluts. He's doing it for you.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 5:18 AM on April 3

We will be using Cybortron’s “Nexus DL-1000” supercomputers in the process of presenting our proofs.

We're fighting science with science!
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 5:30 AM on April 3

For example, the obviously made up statistics and quotes in that last link about TV commercials raise a red flag in my mind.

That shouldn't be a red flag at all, fundamentalists are serially dishonest about that sort of shit.
posted by Pope Guilty at 5:42 AM on April 3

So, now we're just going to point and make fun of the disabled and different?

Real, classy metafilter, real classy.
posted by oddman at 6:06 AM on April 3 [1 favorite]

That shouldn't be a red flag at all, fundamentalists are serially dishonest about that sort of shit.

Yes, but they aren't this bad at it. Even the most naive member of the flock would have trouble believing these quotes.
posted by JDHarper at 6:14 AM on April 3

In other words, pornographic content, which “GOES INTO” a person, DOES NOT MAKE A PERSON GUILTY.

Oh thank god!
posted by CaptApollo at 7:16 AM on April 3

So, now we're just going to point and make fun of the disabled and different?

I don't think that suggesting that the guiding mind behind the site is disabled, mentally or otherwise, is terribly helpful.

Bigoted, ignorant, sanctimonious, prudish, repressed and moronically stupid - certainly all of these. But the site suggests a wilfulness which hints at a mind which has striven to cultivate these traits rather than having been born sub par.
posted by dmt at 7:19 AM on April 3

So, now we're just going to point and make fun of the disabled and different?

No, we're going to hug them and celebrate their disabilities.
posted by c13 at 7:20 AM on April 3

So, now we're just going to point and make fun of the disabled and different?

This comment just broke something in my brain. As a result, I can no longer distinguish between sincerity, irony, sarcasm or satire.
posted by psmealey at 7:28 AM on April 3

Well, he may be disabled and different, but this drawing certainly cleared up a few things in my mind! Why, without that drawing I would have had no idea that knees were so eerily fascinating or that only sluts would ever let them show.
posted by mygothlaundry at 7:37 AM on April 3

This comment just broke something in my brain. As a result, I can no longer distinguish between sincerity, irony, sarcasm or satire.

Give your sarcasmometer a whack, it's fallen out of callibration. It just needs a little percussive maintenence .
posted by dmt at 7:43 AM on April 3

Complete gibberish - and very sad...
posted by speug at 9:05 AM on April 3

Yes, but they aren't this bad at it. Even the most naive member of the flock would have trouble believing these quotes.

Yes, they are.

No, they wouldn't.

Fundamentalism. May I introduce you to it?
posted by Aquaman at 9:49 AM on April 3

Read the background of their "founder", Dr. Michael J. Bisconti ( DBA, Th.D., D.Sc., Ph.D., Ph.M.D., S.J.D. ), particularly his additional background info. I think it's actually a modestly entertaining read, and makes it pretty clear what this website actually is.
posted by switchsonic at 10:03 AM on April 3