Stop a travesty before it's made.

April 7, 2008 6:45 PM

Uwe Boll has said if this online petition gets a million signatures he'll stop making movies. Previously
posted by Caduceus (84 comments total)

I have a hard time believing that one Uwe Boll is worth two thousand hermitosi.
posted by flatluigi at 6:49 PM on April 7, 2008 [8 favorites]

If we get to two million, will he take Keanu Reeves with him?
posted by DU at 6:50 PM on April 7, 2008 [5 favorites]

I have more than one email address so I signed the petition more than once. Fuck that guy!!!
posted by Shakeer at 6:55 PM on April 7, 2008 [2 favorites]

Flatluigi: two thousand what now?
posted by Caduceus at 7:02 PM on April 7, 2008

About damn time.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 7:04 PM on April 7, 2008

Boll apparently does not understand how online petitions work. I predict there are a "million" signatures within a day or two.
posted by drezdn at 7:06 PM on April 7, 2008 [2 favorites]

Hermitosi = more than one hermitosis.
posted by flatluigi at 7:06 PM on April 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

Vote early, vote often.
posted by milquetoast at 7:08 PM on April 7, 2008

Am I crazy or have we/he already done this? I swear, I swear I did not make this up. None of the searches turn up a previous event though...

The headlines on gaming sites are fun:

"One million signatures to end Uwe Boll's directing career - Joystiq"
"One Million Gamers Would Stop Uwe Boll from Ruining Games - Online ..."
"Finish Uwe Boll Off - One Million Signatures Required ..."
posted by cavalier at 7:12 PM on April 7, 2008

Metafilter has an unwritten rule about advocacy posts, but this definitely merits an exception.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 7:14 PM on April 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

Awesome tagging job, by the way.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 7:14 PM on April 7, 2008

I wasn't advocating anything. I just thought it was an item of interest.
posted by Caduceus at 7:15 PM on April 7, 2008

Here's something I never understood - why is it's Uwe Boll's fault? I remember, vaguely, seeing one of his work while channel surfing, it sucked, so I turned it off. I would imagine if enough people don't like his stuff, they should just stop watching it and let the free market decided his career. If it's bad, don't watch it. Signing a petition to tell a man to quit his (probably) passion in life is just mean.

It seems to me this is more about how gamers are worried that Uwe Boll's films are seen as representatives of what we find entertaining. If this is the case, I say we should advocate game studios from selling their IPs to low-ball bidders.
posted by phyrewerx at 7:21 PM on April 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

I don't like the idea of silencing an artist regardless of how awful their work is.
posted by cazoo at 7:23 PM on April 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

I would imagine if enough people don't like his stuff, they should just stop watching it and let the free market decided his career.

Free market doesn't apply here.
posted by Mikey-San at 7:27 PM on April 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

I don't like the idea of silencing an artist regardless of how awful their work is.

It was his idea.
posted by Shakeer at 7:29 PM on April 7, 2008 [4 favorites]

Say what you will about him, but the director's commentary on the Alone in the Dark DVD is pretty damn funny. And the movie is really, unbelievably, ridiculously awful.

I think he should continue making films, just in case he makes an unintentional comedy classic. He's bad enough, and earnest enough, to do it.
posted by louche mustachio at 7:29 PM on April 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

That's 500 for Hermie...
posted by gorgor_balabala at 7:38 PM on April 7, 2008

Screw you guys, I like Uwe Boll. His movies are awful, but he takes himself so seriously and he's totally willing to get into it with critics.

Keep making movies, Uwe! Just stay away from my favorite games.
posted by graventy at 7:38 PM on April 7, 2008

Okay, yeah, that was a lie. I was totally advocating.
posted by Caduceus at 7:39 PM on April 7, 2008 [3 favorites]

Right, this doesn't matter much anymore now that Germany has closed that tax loophole, because presumably Uwe Boll won't be making any more movies due to lack of financing.

This petition, being his idea, sounds like a sneaky way of being remembered as a revolutionary filmmaker who drove millions of people into fits of passion over his work.
posted by danny the boy at 7:52 PM on April 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

...and I signed it anyway.
posted by danny the boy at 7:53 PM on April 7, 2008

Was already signed up. If tailored lethal retroviruses were available via petition, well, this would be a moot point...
posted by Samizdata at 7:58 PM on April 7, 2008

Quick, someone start a petition telling him not to quit, just so he gets very confused when both get over a million signatures.
posted by jlowen at 8:03 PM on April 7, 2008

But if he stops making movies, we'll never get to enjoy anything as hilariously unhinged as his commentary track for Alone In The Dark ever again!

Signed. Even though it's just a stupid marketing ploy/attention-getter.
posted by sparkletone at 8:03 PM on April 7, 2008

Where's the petition to stop gamers from bitching about crappy game story lines making for crappy movies?
posted by Muddler at 8:04 PM on April 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

Say what you will about him, but the director's commentary on the Alone in the Dark DVD is pretty damn funny.

Then why doesn't he not make the movie, and make the commentary the movie? Lots cheaper to produce, and if you're right much better.
posted by JHarris at 8:08 PM on April 7, 2008

And Muddler has a point: most game stories are simply not any good. There's been too much incestuous association between blockbuster movie stories and videogame stories.
posted by JHarris at 8:10 PM on April 7, 2008

Screw you guys, I like Uwe Boll. His movies are awful, but he takes himself so seriously and he's totally willing to get into it with critics.

Quoted for truth. He's Werner Herzog without all the genius baggage. I may name my penis after him.
posted by middleclasstool at 8:18 PM on April 7, 2008 [4 favorites]

Now that I think of it, I'm not sure we can find 1,000,000 who even know who Uwe Boll is.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 8:20 PM on April 7, 2008

Metafilter: Werner Herzog without all the genius baggage.
posted by jonp72 at 8:21 PM on April 7, 2008 [2 favorites]

Hate to break it to you all but Boll is a liar. He will say it was a joke/stunt when the job is done. This is what he does.

I may name my penis after him.

Please don't do that. I don't need someone else's penis arriving when I call mine.
posted by dobbs at 8:29 PM on April 7, 2008 [3 favorites]

Right, this doesn't matter much anymore now that Germany has closed that tax loophole, because presumably Uwe Boll won't be making any more movies due to lack of financing.

Are you sure of this? His wikipedia entry suggests otherwise, though the most recent development it cites is a January 2006 law:

It is not known if this will have any effect on Boll's funding as the new laws only seek to punish investors who are abusing the law for tax purposes; Boll's activities appear to be well within the legitimate usage of the tax shelter.

posted by Shakeer at 8:32 PM on April 7, 2008

I had an Uwe Boll once, but my pharmacist gave me a cream and it cleared right up.
posted by dhartung at 8:33 PM on April 7, 2008

"Uwe Boll has said if this online petition gets a million signatures he'll stop making movies."

Mr Boll, sir, for your generous offer to be true, one must first accept you ever made movies in the first place. What you meant to say was if you get one million signatures, you will stop making pure, unmitigated screen-excrement.

But I say your offer is disingenuous! Yes! For you seem to believe that one million people exist who have even heard of you. This is, as I am sure you are aware, a preposterous notion at best. That one million people exist that know of you, let alone care enough about what you do to go so far as to sign an online petition demanding you stop doing what you obviously have minimal interest and ability in doing. Your box office receipts prove that the insane notion that one million people who have heard the name Uwe Boll is a beast that does not exist. And you know this to be true, so shame sir! Shame that you would dangle such a carrot with the full knowledge that it could never be tasted.

So go back to your hole, dear sir, and prepare the script for PacMan or The Island of Dr Moriarty or whatever screen-to-shit 'gem' you were currently working on half-assedly. I shall not go see it, but rest assured that someone, somewhere will be blogging a negative review of it already.

Not Yours
Effigy2000
posted by Effigy2000 at 8:33 PM on April 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

Where do I sign to keep him making movies? They aren't very good, but there is something for everyone. I absolutely hate Woody Allen, can I stop him from making that shit he makes?
posted by lundman at 8:35 PM on April 7, 2008

I'm only number 80766? WTF is wrong with the internet? I see this was on digg yesterday and has been on slashdot for a few hours. Are there seriously only 80K people so far that have taken the minute or so needed out of their day to sign this? Maybe most of you people out there really are just bots.
posted by recursion at 8:37 PM on April 7, 2008

I recently wrote several poems about his BloodRayne 2: Deliverance. I don't know why people get so upset about him. He's not the real enemy.
posted by goatdog at 8:38 PM on April 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

I don't like the idea of silencing an artist regardless of how awful their work is.

Well, I'll agree with you when people try to use this method to silence an artist.
posted by Astro Zombie at 8:40 PM on April 7, 2008 [5 favorites]

I dare to hope, and yet...Boll has also made claims such as 'my next movie won't suck so much', which has always been a flat-out lie. Why would people believe him now when he claims he'll stop raping my favourite gaming franchises?

On preview: dobbs +1.
posted by cosmonik at 9:06 PM on April 7, 2008

In an apparent fit of foaming insanity, lundman asked: Where do I sign to keep him making movies?

Simple. Next winter solstice, just slaughter a virgin goat upon your pentagram of salt, and offer your blackened soul to the clove-footed horn-crowned Lord of Flies who appears before you.

He'll have a contract all written up.
posted by cosmonik at 9:10 PM on April 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

Every time you sign that petition, you're just making it harder for MST3K to do a Christmas special.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 9:19 PM on April 7, 2008

Ewe Boll makes some horrendous movies, but this is a total low-rent Andy Kaufman move. This smacks as an attempt to be ironic or clever. I really like b-movies and some out-and-out crap for the MSK3K value, but Ewe Boll's films are hard to watch. People like Roger Corman, Inoshiro Honda and Ed Wood all had something that Boll lacks, that makes their movies enjoyable and campy, not painful to get through. I wouldn't miss him if he stopped, but I can't work up enough energy to care.
posted by krinklyfig at 9:21 PM on April 7, 2008

Hermitosi = more than one hermitosis.

Wouldn't that be hermitoses?
posted by Neiltupper at 9:22 PM on April 7, 2008

Sorry, Uwe. Heh. Total accident.
posted by krinklyfig at 9:23 PM on April 7, 2008

MST3K, that is. Clearly, it's time for bed.
posted by krinklyfig at 9:24 PM on April 7, 2008

He's lying.
posted by Ynoxas at 9:29 PM on April 7, 2008

I read an interview recently with Ben Kingsley where they asked him, essentially: "Bloodrayne, WTF?" His answer was, essentially: "Always wanted to play a vampire. Bad call."

Thing is, if you watch the movie, you know the answer already from his performance. Kingsley doesn't phone it in, he wires it via telegraph to an outpost on the frontier, from where it is carried via Pony Express to the arctic circle, and then handed off to some guy named Doug who may or may not deliver it, depending on how much hash he's had that day. You can see it mostly in the eyes: "I signed on for this?"
posted by middleclasstool at 9:32 PM on April 7, 2008 [3 favorites]

I'm really not sure what everyone has against Bloodrayne. It may be the best vampire movie ever made.

Todd Kristanna Loken
posted by eyeballkid at 9:35 PM on April 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

I just learned who Uwe Boll is.
posted by PHINC at 9:54 PM on April 7, 2008

Do we really want him to stop making movies? All that energy has to go somewhere, and I'm terrified of what would happen if he turned his hand to, say prog-rock or theme-restauranteurism.

Don't play with fire, Internet, unless you're willing to get burned.
posted by freshwater_pr0n at 10:05 PM on April 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

OH NOES A DIRECTOR MAKES SHITTY VIDEO GAME MOVIES.

By those standards he's like the David Simon of video game movie directors.
posted by basicchannel at 10:11 PM on April 7, 2008

I do not believe him. Nothing will stop this dipshit.
posted by Kloryne at 10:11 PM on April 7, 2008

Where is the petition to get him to sand off most of his skin, light himself on fire, leap off a cliff into a large pool filled with lemon juice and angry sharks and tigers?
posted by loquacious at 10:32 PM on April 7, 2008

I don't like the idea of silencing an artist regardless of how awful their work is.

But how do you feel about the idea of silencing Uwe Boll due to how awful his work is?
posted by Flunkie at 11:27 PM on April 7, 2008

Here's something I never understood - why is it's Uwe Boll's fault? I remember, vaguely, seeing one of his work while channel surfing, it sucked, so I turned it off. I would imagine if enough people don't like his stuff, they should just stop watching it and let the free market decided his career. If it's bad, don't watch it. Signing a petition to tell a man to quit his (probably) passion in life is just mean.

Uwe Boll makes movies in order to lose money. It is not his passion, it's a goddamned tax dodge. Like Mikey-san said, concepts like the 'free market' (whatever the fuck that is) don't apply here. Fuck that guy, fuck him right in the eyeball with Bob Dole's ancient viagra-fortified weiner.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 11:38 PM on April 7, 2008

OH NOES A DIRECTOR MAKES SHITTY VIDEO GAME MOVIES.

By those standards he's like the David Simon of video game movie directors.

"kneejerk snark" OR "your hobby is stupid because i don't share it" OR "i am a troll trying to start the videogames as art megafight better done here."

This post is meh, but so are you.
posted by thedaniel at 12:19 AM on April 8, 2008

Fuck that guy, fuck him right in the eyeball with Bob Dole's ancient viagra-fortified weiner.

Artful suggestion!

It would make a lovely fresco, or perhaps a bas relief. The Passion of St Uwe. Bob and the Dragon. Something in that line. That's the sort of religious imagery I can get behind.
posted by Wolof at 12:20 AM on April 8, 2008

You know who else had one Boll?

Yes, that's right. His other was in the Albert Hall.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 12:22 AM on April 8, 2008

I don't like the idea of silencing an artist regardless of how awful their work is.

Perhaps a little self-imposed silence would help him suffer for his art, might help improve the output.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:33 AM on April 8, 2008

This just seems so mean. I mean, his movies are totally full of shit, no question. But let the man make them. But also:

I'm terrified of what would happen if he turned his hand to, say prog-rock or theme-restauranteurism.

I'm strangely excited.
posted by bwerdmuller at 12:54 AM on April 8, 2008

freshwater_pr0n: I read that as prog-rock themed restaurant.
posted by Jilder at 1:45 AM on April 8, 2008

Who's willing to bet he makes a new movie and the credits are the last 40 minutes and it's all the names on the petition?
(90 thousand now)
posted by Cyclopsis Raptor at 2:50 AM on April 8, 2008

Ha! It's Tuesday morning, the tempest is finally settling down about this and they haven't even broken 100,000 signatures.

Getting a million is dreaming.
Uwe's film and critic boxing career are safe.
posted by willmize at 4:28 AM on April 8, 2008

Why the hell would you want to sound so pleased at that result? NET LOSS FOR GLOBAL CULTURE.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:39 AM on April 8, 2008

Will not participate in silly marketing ploy. Besides, I kind of like Uwe Boll and his films... or whatever they are.. Well, not exactly like, but they make me laugh, they're so bloody awful. They're so far beyond B-movie camp its like a new cinematic art form. It takes real dedication to produce such dreadful stuff. I dont go out of my way to see Uwe Boll films, mind you. But even Bloodrayne was a little better than most of the "original" films that the Sci-Fi channel foists upon the viewing public every weekend.

So I say carry on Uwe!
posted by elendil71 at 4:41 AM on April 8, 2008

....but Ewe Boll's films are hard to watch.

The Ungulate Anti-Defamation League will be contacting you shortly.
posted by louche mustachio at 4:42 AM on April 8, 2008

What a clever way of amassing a list of email addresses.
posted by Dave Faris at 5:27 AM on April 8, 2008

What a clever way of amassing a list of email addresses.

Oh poop. Does anyone have anything less than half a dozen email addresses at various levels of disposability these days? I'd think that anyone who actually has heard of and gives even a momentary and fleeting shit about Ewe Boll knows enough to play the Dance of The Seven Email Veils with some degree of facility.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 5:35 AM on April 8, 2008

At last, an online petition that has at least a chance of accomplishing something!
posted by TedW at 7:32 AM on April 8, 2008

He doesn't get the email addresses :)
posted by empath at 8:55 AM on April 8, 2008

Say what you will about Uwe, but he did beat the shit out of Lowtax, so good for him.
posted by UKnowForKids at 8:58 AM on April 8, 2008

That this petition hasn't maxed out yet indicates to me that it should have been written in German. There must be at least one million taxpayers in Germany who would be glad to see their contributions go somewhere else than an American movie distributor's hookers-and-blow fund.
posted by ardgedee at 9:45 AM on April 8, 2008

I hope Uwe Boll makes movies forever.

He's just too entertaining.
posted by jabberjaw at 10:02 AM on April 8, 2008

I don't like the idea of silencing an artist regardless of how awful their work is.

It's okay, Uwe Boll is used to being SILENCED ALL HIS LIFE.
posted by turaho at 11:45 AM on April 8, 2008

For the few of those out there who don't understand the Uwe Boll hate, it's not that he is a bad director, because that is forgivable. Even a bad director can have moments of cleverness that transcend the B genre. (See, Ed Wood, and Brain Dead era Peter Jackson)

No, the problem with Boll is that he is the destroyer of franchises. There will, most likely, never be a good Bloodrayne movie now, because people will only ever remember the terrible film that he made of that name. Based on historical precedent, Far Cry will also suck, and that will put a nail in that game's coffin as well.

The thing is, these may not have been brilliant storytelling in their original game form, but the characters were kind of neat, and the settings were compelling, and it was not inconceivable that a talented writer and director could turn these worlds into something wonderful. (the first Resident Evil movie is a good example of how this is possible).

Boll removes these from the playing field, because no one is willing to take a chance on a 'cool vampire chick who kills Nazis, and has snap out blades and a harpoon' because the next question will invariably be "Wait, didn't we already try that? It flopped huge!"

Boll did that. The quicker he is gone, the better.
posted by quin at 1:16 PM on April 8, 2008

116,425 and counting.
posted by Crankatator at 2:33 PM on April 8, 2008

will invariably be "Wait, didn't we already try that? It flopped huge!"

And you want that? Seems to me Hollywood USED to make good, generally original movies, where as now they just try to make quick money from terrible re-done old ideas, game plots and highschool plays.

Seriously, games are great, but as stories and plotlines go, they are pretty darned mediocre, with only a handful of exceptions. It would seem your argument, Boll ensures the real directors have to come up with something original.

But I'm not really being serious, I'm not defending Bolls work, ever.
posted by lundman at 5:32 PM on April 8, 2008

And you want that? Seems to me Hollywood USED to make good, generally original movies, where as now they just try to make quick money from terrible re-done old ideas, game plots and highschool plays.

WAT.

No.

Rose-colored Glasses Syndrome, much?

A single season of MST3k alone is enough to disprove your assertion, and there were ten seasons.
posted by sparkletone at 9:14 PM on April 8, 2008

His Response
posted by delmoi at 1:48 PM on April 9, 2008

Nice link there. Explains a lot.
posted by Wolof at 1:01 AM on April 10, 2008

The fact that it took nearly 12 hours for someone to even point out that the link is munged explains even more.
posted by Dave Faris at 3:12 AM on April 10, 2008

There was a link?
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:44 PM on April 10, 2008

I believe you were looking for this link, delmoi (Boll's response). What's great about Uwe Boll is that he truly believes that his work is cinematic gold and that he is, as he says, "the only fucking genius in the business". He truly is the Ed Wood of today.
posted by Hugonaut at 12:13 AM on April 11, 2008