Comments on: Let's think of it as a thank-you note

Let's think of it as a thank-you note

Blazecock Pileon — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:02:20 -0800

"I love reading your letters—I do. But I couldn't get into it. I just don't have a column in me this week." A sweet, sad eulogy from columnist Dan Savage.

By: whoaali

whoaali — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:06:29 -0800

I love Dan Savage and he's always talked about his mom, how sad.

By: crossoverman

crossoverman — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:12:35 -0800

Wow, that was amazing - emotional for me, too. I was that kid. And if I lived in Chicago I'd be asking for those tickets. Shit.

By: docpops

docpops — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:15:01 -0800

awesome.

By: LeeJay

LeeJay — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:17:19 -0800

Shit. My condolences, Dan. That was a very sweet sendoff for an amazing lady.

By: somnambulist

somnambulist — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:21:54 -0800

As one who used to love reading "The Rocket", seeing "The Stranger" in stands around Seattle makes it feel like old times are new. Dan Savage gives the mag much of the timbre it carries with smart articles cleverly disguised. And now an insight as to what makes creative people tick. A parent who lived by being understanding, loyal, clever, flamboyant, insightful, strong to her children. To Dan's mom I raise my glass; if only all people lived lives of dedication, compassion and fun. Mr. Savage I am truly sorry for your loss. .

By: scody

scody — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:24:59 -0800

Aw. I saw this the other day and got all choked up. I'm sending him a picture of my boyfriend's ass, as requested.

By: Ambrosia Voyeur

Ambrosia Voyeur — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:32:04 -0800

Deify the mother figure already! Most touching public eulogy since Craig Ferguson's father's. An inspiring and beautiful display of heart.

By: The Card Cheat

The Card Cheat — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:34:13 -0800

. I'd send him a picture of my own ass, but that would make his bad week even worse. Shit.

By: ColdChef

ColdChef — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:35:38 -0800

Shit, indeed. All mothers should be as open-hearted to their children's sexual orientations.

By: lalochezia

lalochezia — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:38:08 -0800

By: Arch_Stanton

Arch_Stanton — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:41:08 -0800

Very touching. I propose that "Shit" replace the eulogizing "." from here on out.

By: illiad

illiad — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:44:19 -0800

A friend of a friend has a 20-something son who is now a daughter, the required operations having been completed. When asked about how he dealt with the gender change in his child, he replied "I'd rather have a live, happy daughter than a dead son." Dan's mom seemed to have been as cool and loving a person as that, if not more.

By: Tesseractive

Tesseractive — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:45:14 -0800

By: Nelson

Nelson — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:57:26 -0800

I was moved. Shit.

By: parmanparman

parmanparman — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 21:02:44 -0800

I just got ready for bed and remembered there would be a new column today. It was very sad to read. I'll be sure to send a gift to the pulmonary fibrosis people.

By: middleclasstool

middleclasstool — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 21:03:20 -0800

That's how you eulogize. If I were to eulogize my father, I'd tell the story of the first time he ever called me a motherfucker, one of my fondest memories of him, and about as hard as I've ever laughed in over three decades. So sorry, Dan. Your mom's not suffering anymore, but I know that doesn't make it suck less.

By: Slarty Bartfast

Slarty Bartfast — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 21:04:02 -0800

Shit.

By: padraigin

padraigin — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 21:26:54 -0800

Heaven's got a new angel, and I've got a new role model. May I be half the mother she was.

By: davidmsc

davidmsc — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 21:32:45 -0800

That's sad, that his mother passed away. His grief is genuine, and I appreciate his send-off. But is this Savage guy someone special, other than apparently a sex columnist? I dunno...eulogizing your mother in a sex column just seems...weird.

By: paddysat

paddysat — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 21:35:58 -0800

'Shit' is my mothers favorite word. There was always a pause before she said it but...it always arrived. Shit. Thanks for sharing that one, BP.

By: UbuRoivas

UbuRoivas — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 21:36:08 -0800

. ^ shit viewed from a long distance

By: mwhybark

mwhybark — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 21:40:53 -0800

eulogizing your mother in a sex column just seems...weird. Actually, segregating the idea of mothers from a sex column is what seems weird. Sorry to hear about your loss, Dan.

By: padraigin

padraigin — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 21:53:35 -0800

But is this Savage guy someone special, other than apparently a sex columnist? He's written a couple of best sellers, including one about the experience he and his partner had embarking on parenthood. He's one of the good guys.

By: penduluum

penduluum — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 21:54:24 -0800

Yeah, that made me cry a little bit. What a wonderful thank-you note. My dad had his second heart attack this week. He's already back on his feet and acting like he's feeling better than ever, but it's still ... not something I want to think about.

By: chime

chime — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 22:14:36 -0800

In response to the same link, someone on reddit made me cry further by posting Dave Barry's column about his last words with his father. I figure I should spread the tears around.

By: miss lynnster

miss lynnster — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 22:19:17 -0800

I can empathize with him, so I couldn't read through the whole thing. Here's what I just wrote for my dad. Other than that I later realized I used the word "develop" twice, I wouldn't change a thing. He would've really loved it. And he would've loved his memorial even more... I booked the Seabiscuit skybox at the Del Mar Racetrack and they brought in some really great catered food. It was a gorgeous day and the room overlooks the track and the ocean. I even made a playlist on my ipod of his favorite music. When "Luck Be A Lady" started playing, my uncle & I actually found ourselves dancing a little and laughing. There were about forty people I guess. It couldn't have gone more smoothly, really. I miss him. Life's so fucking weird and quiet without him in it. The big goofball. Okay, I guess this'll be my big cry for the day.

By: miss lynnster

miss lynnster — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 22:23:26 -0800

BTW, my dad used to talk about his best friend after he died and say, "Yeah, I sure miss Roy. He was the last of the good guys" and that's where that first line came from. Weirdest thing is that my dad used to drag race cars and they were having a car show the weekend after his memorial at the track. So as if having custom antique cars all over the place wasn't enough of a coincidence... the memorial was a few days after the obituary appeared, so imagine my surprise when all over the fairgrounds there were signs saying "Welcome Good Guys!" Totally freaked me out.

By: rtha

rtha — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 22:24:59 -0800

My mom died twelve years ago this month. My condolences, Dan. My sincerest and weepiest condolences. Your mom and my mom can hang out together now - they sound like very different people who would like each other a whole lot.

By: afflatus

afflatus — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 22:38:10 -0800

A week from today would have been my mother's 60th birthday. I was always a momma's boy and always will be. From my momma to the momma that is laying beside me in bed right now to the 16 month old girl of mine in the other room that may be a momma herself one day. Here's to all the momma's that bring life into this world and then spend the rest of their lives gritting it out, doing best to make it up as they go along, to do the right thing, to be everything they are supposed to be and then some. My mother had some times that she wished for a do over. She drank, she was a former stripper, she had a couple bad marriages. But damn if she wasn't the most giving, caring, intelligent, hilarious, fiercely loyal person you could ever hope to meet. Most of all, she was my mother and my best friend. And I miss her all the time. I'll send the rudest ass photo I have, Dan.

By: BrotherCaine

BrotherCaine — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 22:38:50 -0800

By: cmgonzalez

cmgonzalez — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 23:02:59 -0800

This sure brought the tears.

By: PeterMcDermott

PeterMcDermott — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 23:35:17 -0800

This sure brought the tears. I was perfectly fine until I got to the part where he offers the theatre tickets to a mom and her teenage gay son. That bit snuck up and slapped me like a baseball bat.

By: Samizdata

Samizdata — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 23:42:50 -0800

I would say something but I can't. Thinking too much of my stepfather right now. One of the best guys. Some of the San Diegans here might even know his name. God, I hate typing crying and maudlin.

By: flibbertigibbet

flibbertigibbet — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 00:26:09 -0800

Y'all are making me teary. Good luck. .

By: miss lynnster

miss lynnster — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 01:17:37 -0800

Worst part is that I don't think my mom's going to last six more months. Wouldn't be surprised if she died within weeks just to upstage my dad's mourning (she's actually seemed jealous of the attention he's been getting -- she's funny that way). Anyhow, it's horribly intense to know that by this time next year I'll most likely be orphaned and never be able to talk to either of them again. I'm glad they won't be in pain, but it makes me simultaneously sad and numb which doesn't feel very good. Sometimes I run out of tears, though.

By: cgc373

cgc373 — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 01:20:17 -0800

Shit. Thanks, Blazecock Pileon, for this pointer. I would not have seen it otherwise.

By: jeffburdges

jeffburdges — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 02:43:23 -0800

Shit. Btw, Dan is the best sex advice columnist to ever pick up the pen.

By: hadjiboy

hadjiboy — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 02:50:17 -0800

Shit, those were some great words. I'd heard of Savage on Mefi before, but never felt compelled to read up on him until now. (I always assumed he was that other Savage from The Wonder Years, and wondered what the folks on Mefi were chagrin' about.) Too bad his mom didn't have a blog of her own; now there's a site I would've loved to have read!

By: brevator

brevator — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 04:24:47 -0800

But is this Savage guy someone special, other than apparently a sex columnist? As others have mentioned, Dan is a best selling author and the best Sex/Relationship Advice columnist on the planet, but perhaps more importantly- Dan is the one who turned Rick Santorum into a disgusting sex byproduct and (in my opinion) kept him from getting re-elected. Sorry for your loss Dan. Take all the time you need. .

By: octothorpe

octothorpe — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 04:59:19 -0800

This really hit home for me right now. My sisters and I have been spending a lot of time looking for a long-term care facility for my mom who barely remembers my name at this point. It's pretty likely that she's only got a few more years left, so I've been thinking about how well I'll deal with that eventuality when it comes. My mom was a giant person in height, personality and intellect and watching her decline in the last five years has been heartbreaking for us and infuriating for her (when she can remember).

By: Pecinpah

Pecinpah — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 05:17:41 -0800

Shit.

By: grubi

grubi — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 05:25:39 -0800

an ultimatum delivered to the whole family: Anyone who had a problem with me had a problem with her. Took my breath away.

By: exlotuseater

exlotuseater — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 05:36:32 -0800

I'm not sure how to respond. This resonates for me if only because I have aging parents and one of them is in a rehab right now after a triple bypass. The other has a slew of physical issues. As someone said upthread, it's not the sort of thing you want to dwell on. Between this, gradschool, lack of sleep, and a general sense of the pain of the world (brought on, in part, by sort of, kind of, listening to/watching Idol Gives Back in the other room while proofreading a galley), this column made me feel like my soul can't hold anymore. It's full to bursting, of what, I'm not sure. Love? Pain? Sympathy? Empathy? All I know is that my eyes are wet and there's a lump in my throat and it's both good and bad, happy and sad, and it's terrible and beautiful, all at the same time. I suppose I don't know what I'm talking about, but I felt the need to say something in response to this. Thanks, Dan, and I'm so sorry for your loss. Shit.

By: whatideserve

whatideserve — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 05:46:44 -0800

What a moving tribute... So sorry for your loss, Dan.

By: languagehat

languagehat — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 05:57:45 -0800

Thanks for the post, BP. A great farewell.

By: pointystick

pointystick — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 05:59:40 -0800

Shit. What a lovely tribute for a lovely lady. I hope some boy really enjoys those tickets.

By: emperor.seamus

emperor.seamus — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 06:36:19 -0800

Shit.

By: miss lynnster

miss lynnster — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 06:53:19 -0800

a general sense of the pain of the world (brought on, in part, by sort of, kind of, listening to/watching Idol Gives Back... Yeah, I know what you mean. That awful Robin Williams sketch made me feel kinda nauseous too.

By: Reverend John

Reverend John — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 06:56:03 -0800

Shit.

By: readery

readery — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 07:03:14 -0800

Dan's the best. Condolences to him. Shit

By: Quietgal

Quietgal — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 07:15:55 -0800

What grubi said. Farewell to a courageous lady.

By: Westringia F.

Westringia F. — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 07:41:10 -0800

. Shit.

By: Guy_Inamonkeysuit

Guy_Inamonkeysuit — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 07:52:29 -0800

Shit. I hope my daughter misses me like this after I check out.

By: willmize

willmize — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 07:54:27 -0800

Add my shit to the rest of the shits here. I'm sorry to hear of his loss and I hope he will be back soon, in fine form, pissing off someone or other.

By: moonlet

moonlet — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 09:03:04 -0800

Shit.

By: Nelson

Nelson — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 09:08:33 -0800

I miss him. Life's so fucking weird and quiet without him in it. When my father died we put him in the ground. When my father died it was like a whole library had burned down. --Laurie Anderson

By: spec80

spec80 — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 09:28:31 -0800

Daaaaaah cryingatworkcryingatwork stop it.

By: WCityMike

WCityMike — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 09:44:58 -0800

> I propose that "Shit" replace the eulogizing "." from here on out. I like that idea. The period has kind of worn out its welcome, tradition be damned.

By: tristeza

tristeza — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 11:33:48 -0800

Shit. Dan, if I run into you on the Hill anytime soon, I might have to tell you how sorry I am. Hope that's OK. You - and your mom - are amazing people.

By: jokeefe

jokeefe — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 11:51:30 -0800

I dislike Savage Love a great deal-- I think Dan can deal with sex questions well enough but falls down on the relationship ones, especially when it comes to women-- but as a mother I would consider my life a success to have inspired such a wonderful tribute. Thanks for the post.

By: geekyguy

geekyguy — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 13:58:55 -0800

"Shit."

By: Maias

Maias — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 14:30:03 -0800

I wish I had a boyfriend's ass photo handy.. My condolences to Dan Savage-- who is the best sex columnist ever, and I think his relationship advice is great-- I couldn't help crying.

By: ottereroticist

ottereroticist — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 15:17:28 -0800

"Shit" was one of the few words my grandmother could reliably say after her strokes. Said lightly, ruefully, with disgust or surprise or annoyance or world-weary existential humor, it was a whole vocabulary in a single word. May every little queer have as a mom as GGG (good, giving, and game) as Jude. Here's where you can donate to PFLAG in memory of Dan Savage's mother Jude.

By: Superfrankenstein

Superfrankenstein — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 16:01:01 -0800

Shit.

By: liza

liza — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 21:07:00 -0800

i cried like a baby. that's all.

By: liza

liza — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 21:12:08 -0800

oh, and i forgot ... "shit".

By: chronic sublime

chronic sublime — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 00:01:14 -0800

Mefi is doing well, posting all this sad stuff on my dad's birthday. He died only one year ago. I wish I could write something to remember him by as eloquent as Dan's piece. In the year since, I get myself all teary if I even pick up a pen to capture something about him. Shit. I miss you dad.

By: Pope Guilty

Pope Guilty — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 02:42:28 -0800

By: mwhybark

mwhybark — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 00:28:54 -0800

Shit. Now you people did it to me. Shit.

By: joeclark

joeclark — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 11:40:45 -0800

It's not that Dan Savage showed a lapse in taste by eulogizing his mother in a sex column. It's just that he has a regular sex column he has to write, this time he couldn't, and he explained why. What he had available to him was the regularly scheduled sex column, which he pre-empted.

By: Phire

Phire — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 23:13:54 -0800

This made me cry. I so so SO did not need to cry today. She sounded like a lovely lady, and I'm sorry she's gone. The ultimatum, as someone else said upthread, took my breath away. When my parents go I don't know if I'll have good memories like this to think about, good things to say. And that makes me sadder than anything else.

By: miss lynnster

miss lynnster — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 09:56:36 -0800

I used to think the same thing Phire. I feel blessed that I was able to turn that around. All I can say is, try to get to know your parents from a different angle and understand them as people while you still can. See if you can look at them as though they aren't your parents. I actually started spending time with my parents and just letting them talk about stuff, almost like I was interviewing them. They were just so happy that I was interested, that alone was a gift for them. I set my judgments and emotions aside and to understand them as though they're the subjects of a documentary or something, and I tried to imagine being in their shoes. Even the worst of parents usually did the best they could with what they had to work with, even though from the outside it may not seem so. Things that don't make sense, somehow they're easier to parse when you look at the big picture without your own emotions and memories guiding you. Even the craziest things, I found myself going, "OOOOHHHHH, okay. She did that because her mom taught her this. Now I get it. My mom wasn't just being a bitch, she's doing what felt natural and didn't know any better." I had a ridiculously crappy childhood and really worked on getting to deeply know and find forgiveness for my folks over the last few decades so that months like this wouldn't be too traumatic. To use the phrase I used to use, I didn't want their deaths to "leave me inconsolably fucked up for life." It's the best gift I have ever given myself in life, to be honest. I had problems with my parent's choices and attitudes over the years, but by the end there's nothing unsaid between us... I know they love me, like me, want the best for me and did the best they could which wasnt always perfect; they know I love them and totally understand. I accepted that their life choices were their own, not mine, they understood the same of me, and I feel thankful to be left holding positive memories that I can take with me from hereon out. It's really a gift. It's made the last few weeks of my life much, much calmer. With my dad dying, I've felt a lot more positive, peaceful sadness than I expected. I really have been feeling the loving and good and happy sides of him more than anything else, much more so than I expected to. I still remember old negative stuff, but I don't feel it. And I'm really thankful for that. If I can find peace, there's hope for anyone. Trust me. Not saying it's easy but it's really, really worth looking for.

By: desjardins

desjardins — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 14:09:25 -0800

I just got around to reading this. I've been listening to his podcast and skipping his column, so I might have missed this entirely. I'm very glad you posted this.