Which eye is the carb hole?

May 9, 2008 3:40 AM

Reefer Madness. The Kingwood teenager's story of decapitating a corpse and using the head to smoke marijuana was so outlandish that at first Houston Police Department senior police officer Jim Adkins did not believe it.
posted by three blind mice (106 comments total)

Nice title. Really brings up the tone.
posted by From Bklyn at 3:49 AM on May 9 [5 favorites]

Probably saw one one those tacky skull bongs and thought... let's make a real one. Teenagers, love it.
posted by twistedonion at 4:03 AM on May 9

[insert head shop joke here]
posted by optovox at 4:04 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]

THIS is why marijuana must remain illegal. you think this shit is isolated?
posted by gman at 4:08 AM on May 9

Man, I've heard of pot smoking Dead Heads, but this takes the cake!
posted by Pollomacho at 4:10 AM on May 9 [3 favorites]

not norml behaviour.
posted by gman at 4:11 AM on May 9

Kids, drugs are bad. m'kay?

Seriously, this is really fucked up.
posted by SteveTheRed at 4:11 AM on May 9

More spectacular anti-drug paranoia.

If you read the comments in the article, person after person posts some variation of "oh, pot makes people do horrible things!"

Um... they smoked the pot in the skull (supposedly), so it seems to me that they must have had the skull before they smoked the pot...

Or am I missing something?

How would you even do this anyway? In order for an object to work as a pipe, it would have to have a place to put the pot with an enclosed line of some sort to a mouthpiece. This skull would have to be pretty deformed to fit these criteria. I don't believe this ever happened.
posted by crazylegs at 4:17 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]

"But the boys told conflicting stories about whether they actually severed the head — so police aren't sure if that gruesome detail really happened."

A minor detail towards the end of the article.
posted by crazylegs at 4:19 AM on May 9 [3 favorites]

they smoke the pot in the skull? So, like, they're really really small?
posted by From Bklyn at 4:20 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]

Seriously, this is really fucked up.

Is it really though? I mean, it is a bit mad but teenagers do crazy things, taking drugs or not. Digging up an 80 year old skeleton isn't something I'd fancy doing but I can totally see how a group of kids could have taken a silly idea and went too far with it.

Beats collecting weapons and then shooting up half your class.
posted by twistedonion at 4:21 AM on May 9 [3 favorites]

How would you even do this anyway? In order for an object to work as a pipe, it would have to have a place to put the pot with an enclosed line of some sort to a mouthpiece. This skull would have to be pretty deformed to fit these criteria.

pot heads have been doing this for years.
posted by gman at 4:22 AM on May 9

On a technical note, skulls are full of holes, particularly kids' skulls where the bones haven't quite fused, right? IANA doctor nor a child molester/serial killer (I swear the clown suit is just for a hobby) so I'm not intimately knowledgeable about children's skulls, but I would think that you would have to constantly be filling leaks for this to work. Perhaps they built some sort of chamber and then placed it inside the skull?
posted by Pollomacho at 4:24 AM on May 9

pot heads have been doing this for years.

yep those are the tacky skull bongs I was thinking about. So it's really not a huge leap to see where the inspiration came from. Lets ban skull shaped bongs, they are influencing our kids!!!!!!!
posted by twistedonion at 4:24 AM on May 9

They obviously did it because they were home-schooled.
posted by Leon at 4:24 AM on May 9 [10 favorites]

I Digg it!
posted by fixedgear at 4:51 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]

Really, not even Jim? Jim Adkins? In my experience, of all all the senior police officers I've met, particularly those in the Houston Police Department, Jim Adkins was by far the most credulous. And even he didn't believe it. Wow.
posted by DU at 5:02 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]

It's very fortunate for these boys that their crime is only a misdemeanor. Apparently their home-schooling forgot to include lessons on the realities of Texas prison.

I recall a time when, to shock adults, all a teenager had to do was drop one nice little F-bomb at the dinner table. ::sigh:: What have we wrought?
posted by Goofyy at 5:25 AM on May 9

Dude.. that was my skull!
posted by ph00dz at 5:28 AM on May 9 [5 favorites]

Couldn't they find an apple?
posted by Cookiebastard at 5:30 AM on May 9

The teens first came to police's attention during a vehicle burglary investigation. While being questioned, Jones told of desecrating the gravesite a month or two ago. Adkins said he believes the tale was intended to distract police from the vehicle break-in.

SMART
posted by delmoi at 5:35 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]

Listen to Jesus, Jimmy.... Don't use skulls to smoke the reefer!

Seriously though, I blame Halo. "What, no confetti?!? At least we can still get high."
posted by TrinaSelwyn at 5:36 AM on May 9

From the Houston Chronicle.
Eponysterical.
posted by Flashman at 5:45 AM on May 9

Desecrating graves is one of my pet peeves. I mean, really.
I used to fantasize encountering cunni like this, to let out all my angry young man energies.

These home-schooled morons ARE lucky it's not a more severe crime, but something tells me they'll get there soon enough, though.

it is nice to hear a story like this NOT taking place in Florida, however.
posted by Busithoth at 5:49 AM on May 9

Remember,
What the doormouse said,
Feed your head!
Feed your head!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:49 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]

Is digging up a corpse, decapitating it, and smoking marijuana in the skull any weirder than pumping out all the fluids, replacing with formaldehyde, putting makeup and clothes on it and burying it in ritualistic fashion while pretending the body has some spiritual connection to the person it used to be?

I'd say yes, but barely.
posted by BrotherCaine at 5:52 AM on May 9 [9 favorites]

I'd say yes, but barely.

Paging ColdChef...
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:58 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]

I recall a time when, to shock adults, all a teenager had to do was drop one nice little F-bomb at the dinner table. ::sigh:: What have we wrought?

"What is happening to our young people? They disrespect their elders, they disobey their parents. They ignore the law. They riot in the streets inflamed with wild notions. Their morals are decaying. What is to become of them?"

Plato agrees.
posted by twistedonion at 6:05 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]

Isn't there a Denis Leary joke about making a bong out of someone's head?
posted by Vindaloo at 6:06 AM on May 9

I have a lot of respect for what ColdChef does. I'm sure the preparation of the deceased helps families deal with their loss. Nevertheless, burial traditions are weird. I find sky burials and burials at sea a lot more understandable, but still weird.
posted by BrotherCaine at 6:08 AM on May 9

i personally like where they describe the graveyard as 'snake infested.'
posted by lester at 6:11 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]

Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him,
Horatio. A fellow of infinite herb, of most excellent fancy. He
hath borne me in his sack a thousand times. And now how abhorred
in my imagination it is! My smoke rises at it. Here hung those
lips that I have carb'd I know not how oft. Where be your shake now? your bowl? your flame? your flashes of merriment that
were wont to set the table on a roar? Not one now, to mock your
own coughing? Quite chap- fall'n? Now get you to my lady's
dealer, and tell her, let her paint an inch thick, to this
favour she must come. Make her laugh at that. Prithee, Horatio,
pass it.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 6:22 AM on May 9 [25 favorites]

Hey Vindaloo, I don't remember the Denis Leary reference, but I do remember in the writings oh Hunter S. Thompson, that he wouldn't believe his friend and attorney was really dead until he could use his skull as a bong.
posted by Yer-Ol-Pal at 6:24 AM on May 9

it is nice to hear a story like this NOT taking place in Florida, however.

That teacher teaches where I went to high school and I'm pretty sure I could find that graveyard without much trouble. Go hometown loonies!!!
posted by Cyrano at 6:29 AM on May 9

Can we please PLEASE institute "I just regurgitated in my plate of food" as a replacement for "I just threw up in my mouth" already?
posted by [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST] at 6:32 AM on May 9 [6 favorites]

I only hope
That when I'm dead
Somebody here
Makes a bong from my head.
posted by LordSludge at 6:36 AM on May 9 [7 favorites]

I'm expecting the answer here will be "no," but has anyone seen How High? There is a particularly revolting scene in which the protagonists exhume and try to smoke the body of President John Quincy Adams. This reminds me of that.

It was actually a pretty good movie. Really.
posted by uncleozzy at 6:38 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]

If I wasn't going to get cremated that would so be going on my headstone LordSludge.
posted by twistedonion at 6:39 AM on May 9

I once smoked from a human skull with Varg Vikernes in a forest clearing under a full Norwegian moon while Bathory's "Under the Black Mark" played from Euronymous's still blood spattered old boombox. Everything was cool, you know, just sort of kult and necro until Varg told me the weed was heavily dusted with powdered goat penis, at which point he unleashed the gnomes and things kind of went downhill.
posted by The Straightener at 6:40 AM on May 9 [17 favorites]

so there's a 97 year old body sitting in an abandoned graveyard that's been soaking in rainwater pretty much the whole time. The cops can't even find the casket, let alone the "skull-bong".

I definitely believe the home-schooled stoner car thief's story here- he seems completely credible.

On the plus side, this happened in Texas; aren't the relatives of the child allowed to shoot the stoners?
posted by jenkinsEar at 6:50 AM on May 9 [3 favorites]

So these guys were just potheads?
posted by Sys Rq at 6:50 AM on May 9

Keeping a human skull for bong (or other) purposes
posted by ColdChef at 6:53 AM on May 9

Oh, wait, there's a better pot-head joke to be made...
posted by Sys Rq at 6:54 AM on May 9

Nevertheless, burial traditions are weird. I find sky burials and burials at sea a lot more understandable, but still weird.

I give you The Tower of Silence:
The towers, which are fairly uniform in their construction, have an almost flat roof, with the perimeter being slightly higher than the center. The roof is divided into three concentric rings: The bodies of men are arranged around the outer ring, women in the second circle, and children in the innermost ring. Once the bones have been bleached by the sun and wind, which can take as long as a year, they are collected in an ossuary pit at the center of the tower, where—assisted by lime—they gradually disintegrate and the remaining material—with run-off rainwater—runs through multiple coal and sand filters before being eventually washed out to sea.

Now THAT'S the way to go.
posted by ColdChef at 6:56 AM on May 9 [8 favorites]

There’s only one way I can conceive of this working, which would be similar to what kids in my high school called a “hat trick.” The basic idea is you cover your face with a baseball cap while someone else shotguns the smoke from a joint or blunt through the whole where the size-adjusting strap is. Part of the trick is apparently to be leaning forward while inhaling so that when you upright yourself, you also get that blood-rushing-from-the-head feeling.
posted by ijoshua at 7:09 AM on May 9

The three boys, all home-schooled...

So, what we're looking for here is a factor that might have contributed to poor social skills. CLEARLY, the causative factor MUST be Marijuana.
posted by JimmyJames at 7:09 AM on May 9 [6 favorites]

I blame Gary Gygax and Tommy Chong. And the kid from The Goonies, I hate that fat fucker.
posted by Mister_A at 7:17 AM on May 9

This might sound awful, but I have to admit, when I read this my first thought was "why does anyone care?" It was an 87 year old school, who's going to miss it, really? I mean its a bit gross, but really it's just running up against a societal taboo that makes no real sense. The whole reverence for the dead thing the human race seems to have is just pointless, I never understood it. Please, I hope that when I die, people find something as creative and useful to do with my leftover meat and bone bits as to make a bong out of them.
posted by Aversion Therapy at 7:18 AM on May 9

The three boys, all home-schooled

There's your blame right there... I can remember being specifically told at school a) don't do drugs b) don't desecrate graves c) don't combine the two...

Of course proper a drug-fiend, like Marilyn Manson, would smoke the actual skull... not pussy around turning it into a bong.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 7:18 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]

MetaFilter: UNLEASH THE GNOMES!
posted by grabbingsand at 7:27 AM on May 9

Isn't there a Denis Leary joke about making a bong out of someone's head?

"They say marijuana leads to other drugs. No it doesn't, it leads to fucking carpentry. That's the problem, folks. People getting high going, "Wow man, this box would make an excellent bong! *snort* This guy's head would make an excellent bong! *snort*" Relax! That's why I stopped doing drugs in the first place. Not because I didn't like 'em, but because I didn't want to build anything, ok?"
posted by jonp72 at 7:34 AM on May 9

Meh, smoking weed out of a skull? It's been done.

Snort your father's ashes, now that's something to brag about.
posted by fixedgear at 8:10 AM on May 9

Keith Richards glowers at the screen
"Amatuers"

best part:
"He regurgitated in his plate of food when I asked him about it," Adkins said. "So I knew there was some truth to the story."

hahahahahahh! guilty,Guilty, GUILTY!
posted by djrock3k at 8:16 AM on May 9

I think it would be pretty cool to have some kids dig up my grave, decades after my flesh has rotted away, to smoke drugs from my skull. Seriously. In fact it would be cool to have my skull put to just about any interesting use. Having my skull preserved in a casket, never to be seen again, is pointless.

Please. I'm asking. Have it set into jello, turned into a bong, gilded and used as a candy dish, candle holder, movie prop......... anything.

Is there some legal process that will let me, after death, donate my skull to whoever has the coolest idea for it's use?
posted by Ragma at 8:17 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]

*adds "booby trap the remains" to will*
posted by Tehanu at 8:26 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]

"Police made three trips to the heavily wooded, snake-infested graveyard" in search of the desecrated headless corpse of a child in a now-unmarked grave.

If this isn't the opening scene to any bad Sci-Fi horror movie, I don't know what is.
posted by quin at 8:35 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]

Digging up an 80 year old skeleton isn't something I'd fancy doing

this is a sham. trust me, there is no way an 80-year old skull would be intact enough to smoke anything out of. after that much time in the ground, the skull has been reduced to nothing more than a collection of loose bone fragments held together by roots and clumps of dirt. in most cases, there wouldn't even be a solid enough structure left to fashion some kind of bong out of using other materials to build a chamber or to provide a supporting frame. this story is complete BS, i guarantee it.
posted by saulgoodman at 8:36 AM on May 9

i know this, btw, because i knew some kids in high school who dug up a grave to get the skull. they told me firsthand and i saw the pictures. caskets from 80 years were usually made of wood--most of them caved-in under the weight of six-feet of dirt before the grave was even completely covered over.
posted by saulgoodman at 8:40 AM on May 9

Pot doesn't smoke people. People smoke people, with pot.
posted by The White Hat at 8:43 AM on May 9

"The ultimate goal will be to put this body back to rest," Adkins said.

...and to get the damned skull to stop grinning.
posted by MrVisible at 8:43 AM on May 9

caskets from 80 years were usually made of wood--most of them caved-in under the weight of six-feet of dirt before the grave was even completely covered over.

Nope! I've had the opportunity to dig up quite a few graves. Metal was a common choice starting after the civil war (and if he was a solider, in a lot of cases the military would provide a metal casket). It's not uncommon to find a fairly well preserved skeleton in leathery clothes. The jaw would probably have separated, but if he was in his twenties, the skull plates would have been fused pretty well. Their story may be bullshit, but this detail is not what makes it so.
posted by ColdChef at 8:53 AM on May 9 [5 favorites]

i know this, btw, because i knew some kids in high school who dug up a grave to get the skull. they told me firsthand and i saw the pictures.
My buddy's wife has a cousin who is a nurse in an ER and Jerry Pennacoli came in with a gerbil in his rectum...
posted by fixedgear at 8:54 AM on May 9

Is there some legal process that will let me, after death, donate my skull to whoever has the coolest idea for it's use?

Ahem.
posted by ColdChef at 8:55 AM on May 9

The other day on AskMe, someone wanted ideas on what to name his bong. I suggested, "The Head of Vecna." And you all thought I was kidding.
posted by SPrintF at 9:02 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]

Just imagine all of the messed up things that go unreported...
posted by dombruno at 9:07 AM on May 9

Kids smoke the darndest things.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 9:20 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]

I blame the recent pirate trend.
posted by Artw at 9:42 AM on May 9

At least they weren't steampunks.
posted by crazylegs at 10:00 AM on May 9

The whole Florida joke has sunk into my subconscious enough that I read the whole story and didn't notice it took place in Texas. I'm talking the level of thoughts like, "Huh, I wonder how many graveyards for Black veterans exist in Florida?"
posted by Gnatcho at 10:10 AM on May 9

Da grave
posted by fixedgear at 10:10 AM on May 9

In those kids' defense, they did live in Kingwood, TX. That's one of the prototypical "master planned communities". Lots of cute little subdivisions out in the forest. Daddy commutes to the evil city and brings back the bread to the perfect island. Nothing for those kids to do at all except for tear up the scenery to see if there's anything real behind the set.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:21 AM on May 9 [6 favorites]

If we may make an assumption from the homeschooling in Texas, this is probably a good Christian fundamentalist upbringing at work.

And yeah, surprised it wasn't Florida, but Texas is right behind Florida in that list.
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 10:30 AM on May 9

Someone really needs to make a film based on this... Harold and Kumar Did Up A Corpse?
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 10:50 AM on May 9

Well 'dig' obviously... though 'Did' has a certain something...
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 10:51 AM on May 9

When I'm dead, you're all welcome to smoke pot from my skull. I'm sure there's some residue in there anyways. So you might even get a free hit or two before you have to pack it up.
posted by ninjew at 10:53 AM on May 9

This isn't the first time this has happened, is it? I remember another news story that was similar, but all I'm getting are hits on this one.
posted by klangklangston at 10:59 AM on May 9

Epitaph

A proud organ donor,
I lie here relieved
(although shriveled and prone)
that there's no bone in boner--
no stoner's retrieved
my old dong for a bong,
and so my bereaved
is not melancholic.
The part she adored
(once stiff as a board)
was mostly hydraulic.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 11:03 AM on May 9 [3 favorites]

Harold and Kumar Dig Up A Corpse?

Nobody reads anymore.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:07 AM on May 9

klang: Skull Bong Vermont
posted by fixedgear at 11:10 AM on May 9

The sad thing is the parents are probably ranting: "We protected them, we isolated them AS MUCH AS WE COULD from the evil influence of the secular world, and They *still* corrupted our babies! CURSE YOU HARRY POTTER!!!!"

...as their neighbors & fellow church members nod sagely.
posted by LordSludge at 11:12 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]

My buddy's wife has a cousin who is a nurse in an ER and Jerry Pennacoli came in with a gerbil in his rectum...

scoff if you like, but i was a lot closer to this particular anecdote than you seem to think. and as unlikely as it sounds, i make it a habit not to lie about things on the internet because i'm kind of punk rock and contrarian like that (look at my profile page and you'll see i'm not an anony-mouse; i'm willing to back up my statements with my real-world identity). in fact, if i'm not mistaken i still have a couple of the polaroids of the thing somewhere.

Nope! I've had the opportunity to dig up quite a few graves. Metal was a common choice starting after the civil war (and if he was a solider, in a lot of cases the military would provide a metal casket).

must be a regional or socioeconomic thing, then. the particular graveyard i'm talking about was a small grave plot in the woods in north florida where (so the local story went) they had buried mill workers who'd either died from an outbreak of illness (maybe scarlet fever?) or died in a mill fire. my sense is that it was a pauper's grave. still, i'd like to see a cite on the claim about metal coffins 80 years ago, not that I doubt it--just to satisfy my morbid curiosity.
posted by saulgoodman at 11:18 AM on May 9

My buddy's wife has a cousin who is a nurse in an ER and Jerry Pennacoli came in with a gerbil in his rectum...

Here's a Philadelphia joke: What do Jerry Pennacoli and Jim O'Brien have in common?

The both pulled on the cord and nothing happened.

Pennacoli was rumored to have had a gerbil stuck in an uncomfortable place, O'Brien died in a skydiving accident.
posted by three blind mice at 11:23 AM on May 9

One citation: Metal Coffins Were Expensive But Available in 19th Century

You are correct, though. Wood is much more likely a choice for pauper mill workers or for someone who needed a coffin quickly, such as in an outbreak situation.
posted by ColdChef at 11:39 AM on May 9

"Anybody else find this weed to be a bit heady?"
posted by B(oYo)BIES at 12:01 PM on May 9 [1 favorite]

No way are they going to bury me so I can become bong bait. I'm doing this instead.
posted by Xurando at 12:03 PM on May 9

"the particular graveyard i'm talking about was a small grave plot in the woods in north florida"
posted by saulgoodman

are you freaking kidding me?
I tried to give Florida props in this thread.
I really did.

after seeing the pic of the grave, I'm letting myself call it a sham.
that looks like a LOT of rain, even assuming that they partially (mostly) refilled the grave.

I will enjoy this brief uptick in estimation of humans until they dredge the grave, produce the skull, or some other Florida story scares the living crap out of me.
posted by Busithoth at 12:04 PM on May 9

Well, I'm certainly not an expert, but it seems unlikely that an 11 year old black boy buried in an unmarked cemetery on a crummy, flood prone piece of land would be in a (relatively) expensive metal coffin.
posted by oneirodynia at 12:09 PM on May 9

all I'm getting are hits on this one.

klangklangston has the skull!
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 12:13 PM on May 9

Nobody reads anymore.

Ah, smoking too much skull to read properly... should have gone with my 'Evil Head' joke
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 12:14 PM on May 9

should have gone with my 'Evil Head' joke

Head by dawn! Head by dawn!
posted by uncleozzy at 12:21 PM on May 9

it is nice to hear a story like this NOT taking place in Florida, however.

are you freaking kidding me?
I tried to give Florida props in this thread.
I really did.

d'oh. now i wish i hadn't mentioned it, so at least there'd be one less bit of tarnish on florida's reputation. if i'd noticed your comment earlier, i'd have probably let it go.
posted by saulgoodman at 12:37 PM on May 9

Excitable boys, they all said.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 12:47 PM on May 9 [3 favorites]

Nothing for those kids to do at all except for tear up the scenery to see if there's anything real behind the set.

When I was getting my hair cut earlier today (in Kingwood,) my barber and I had a conversation that basically amounted to recounting the dumb shit we did growing up there and seeing if we could match this. We came to the conclusion that it probably just hadn't crossed our minds (His best comment: "Couldn't they find a frickin' Coke can?!?)

after seeing the pic of the grave, I'm letting myself call it a sham.

It's rained a few times in the last few weeks and a lot of areas around here are prone to flooding.
posted by Cyrano at 12:56 PM on May 9

Back in my stoner days, my friends and I often used to joke about how when we died, we wanted our corpses cremated, rolled in a huge blunt with some really primo kind bud, and smoked by all our friends and families at a big pot party with reggae dub playing really loud. Turning someone's skull into a bong seems like the next best thing.

That is, if this story wasn't total drug hysteria bullshit.
posted by DecemberBoy at 12:56 PM on May 9

I wonder if they used the tears of newborn babies as bongwater.
posted by naju at 1:54 PM on May 9 [1 favorite]

Then they drank blood from the skull...
posted by Artw at 2:05 PM on May 9

I wonder if they used the tears of newborn babies as bongwater.

That's an urban legend. They actually used the bathwater that they accidentally drowned the baby in because they were so high. Then Joe Friday angrily ripped up their baggie of pot over the toilet as dramatic music swelled. Marijuana is the flame, heroin is the fuse, LSD is the bomb.
posted by DecemberBoy at 2:08 PM on May 9

I call bullshit on this.

Bullshit!
posted by mr_roboto at 2:24 PM on May 9

So, let's suppose the story is true. How exactly are you going to turn a skull into a bong? Because you have to figure out how to seal the foramen magnum, nasal fossa, and the orbits and/or modify them to hold a pipe stem, a carb, and the mouthpiece.

In my mind's eye, I'm seeing lots of silicone caulk, maybe some duct tape, and god forbid Bondo...

And this is what really disturbs me about this whole affair...
posted by Tube at 9:43 PM on May 9

An 11-year-old boy, dead in the '20s? It's just possible that a very elderly person is still around who faintly remembers when the family buried a beloved older brother. I cannot imagine what that person would think. Outrage, sure, that would be the natural guess for the desecration of a corpse who hadn't been buried for so very long. By this time, I would think the outrage response would be dimmed by a sense of utter and total bemusement, indeed bewilderment, culminating in the thought: "Welp, time to die."
posted by Countess Elena at 8:27 AM on May 10

Pfftf. The things people do to get ahead.
posted by SevenPercentSolution at 10:36 AM on May 10

The best quote from the AP article...

Police were interviewing Jones about the use of a stolen debit card when he told them about the grave theft, which purportedly occurred around March 15, according to court documents. Asked why Jones would volunteer such a story, [Houston police Sgt. John] Chomiak said, "We can only speculate and guess to what goes on in the criminal mind."

posted by the_bone at 10:40 AM on May 10

Twistedonion:

"If I wasn't going to get cremated that would so be going on my headstone LordSludge."


No - it's even better if you do it when you're getting cremated, because then the stoners will spend all night digging and not get their bong, and that's hard work - it will probably be the best exercise they've had in months.

The next day the cemetary groundsman will roll his eyes, and clean up the mess. And two weeks later, it will start all over again as another addled group takes the bait, gets off their ass and gets some exercise. You'll be doing the world a favour.

And all the while, a legend will be growing - from one stoner to another, the story grows: "we dug up the grave, but there was nothing there - some Original Reefers must have gotten there before us!"
"Who are they? Who are the OR's who have the REAL skull bong? We must quest to find them!"

Eventually, the groundsman gets so sick and tired of fixing your re-desecrated grave every week, that in rage he rips out your tombstone and throws it in the dumpster.

But some stoner bum looking for dinner in a dumpster finds it before the garbage truck, and takes it to the unused bit of scrubland under the bridge where he lives. And plants it there as if he were planting pot. A few weeks later, he gets hit by a car. And, unattended, the tombstone starts to attract a new following of stoners.

But there is no groundsman to fill in the holes now. And as the weeks pass, holes are dug under the stone, the tombstone is moved to dig where it was, and with the disturbed earth, no-one can remember exactly where the grave originally was. So holes appear wider and wider afield. The skull, the stone, and the bridge, become entwined in local reefer legend, and when it comes to the stoner community, there are new ones born every minute - and they will be the ones to find the skull - they're sure of it!
In ancient military terminology, the process of weakening and eventually destroying a large fortified structure by digging holes at and beneath its foundations, is called "undermining".

The bridge was undermined by the legend of the Stoner Skull.

We all saw the pictures on the TV, the video of the collapse. The terror.
The engineers figured out from the wreckage that the foundations had given way at a certain point, but to anyone thinking clearly, it was a mystery as to what had happened to the ground there.

All that, and there was never any body to begin with, because you were cremated! That's just plain selfish!

:-)
posted by -harlequin- at 11:39 AM on May 10 [5 favorites]

How wild - I didn't realize, this is from the neighborhood that I grew up in. I never would have thought this kind of thing would happen there! It's always been a boring bedroom community.
posted by WormSpit at 1:26 PM on May 10

WormSpit: it's still a crazy boring bedroom community. now it just has some crazy, lying-ass stoner kids in it.
posted by saulgoodman at 6:41 PM on May 10

Don't bogart the skull.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 10:07 AM on May 12