How to talk to the dead

May 11, 2008 12:53 PM

But remember, talking to the dead can be dangerous. "All peoples of earth posess this natural ability," says Nicole Zapruder, who has been communicating with the dead since she was 4 years old. People aren't disputing her ability to use the Grey Walter-Berger Neurophysical Construct for communicating with the dead. They're asking her not to share it online because the technique is too dangerous.

"The noise and clutter of modern times serves to distance people from nature and therefore the realization that this gift is in us all," Nicole argues. An important warning. "Do not contact any dead person who may have negative feelings toward you..."

Coming in October? A site for communicating with your dead pet.

posted by destinyland (69 comments total)

Con artists: best of the web.
posted by sonic meat machine at 12:57 PM on May 11, 2008

I agree with her about the noise and clutter of modern times. Whether or not our ancestors could contact the dead is another question.
posted by destinyland at 12:59 PM on May 11, 2008

I'm a person, and I'm disputing her abilities.
posted by Huck500 at 1:00 PM on May 11, 2008 [14 favorites]

It must be the eyeliner that receives the otherworldly vibrations.
posted by Burhanistan at 1:03 PM on May 11, 2008

"I don't think you have really thought through the implications of offering this material to the public via the Internet. I fear that by opening the bridge between this world and the next, you are meddling with forces that you do not understand. Please let's leave the dead be." (From the site)
posted by destinyland at 1:04 PM on May 11, 2008

Zapruder...any relation?
posted by mds35 at 1:05 PM on May 11, 2008

Crack and to the left. Crack and to the left.
posted by basicchannel at 1:06 PM on May 11, 2008 [5 favorites]

*goes in bathroom, faces mirror, turns out light*

Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary ...
posted by YoBananaBoy at 1:07 PM on May 11, 2008 [2 favorites]

I love how people misunderstand the word dead. It means things are over, done for, finito. Death = the end of the life of an organism. If "dead" people can still talk, well then they aren't dead.

Alive, alive, alive, dead. Not alive, alive, alive, dead, alive, hey did you want to ask me a question, dead.
posted by pwally at 1:09 PM on May 11, 2008 [4 favorites]

That's some quality web design right there.
posted by Caduceus at 1:09 PM on May 11, 2008

I'm also going to have to ask her not to share her web design skills with the internet at large either; it's far, far too dangerous.
posted by StrangerInAStrainedLand at 1:12 PM on May 11, 2008 [3 favorites]

Her web design consultant was a dead guy.
posted by pwally at 1:13 PM on May 11, 2008

Nothing on the whole web on the Grey Walter-Berger Neurophysical Construct. I guess I won't be imprinting my standing wave on anything from the PlayDough fun factory any time soon.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 1:18 PM on May 11, 2008

Nicole's next project will be the website 'Communicating with your deceased pet'.

Mee-oow, me-ow-ow, meow.
posted by eye of newt at 1:18 PM on May 11, 2008 [3 favorites]

Hans Berger: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hans_Berger
Grey Walter: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Grey_Walter
posted by destinyland at 1:20 PM on May 11, 2008

I'm dead. She never returns my calls.
posted by quintessencesluglord at 1:21 PM on May 11, 2008 [2 favorites]

But remember, talking to the dead can be dangerous. fucking crazytalk profitable.
posted by Benny Andajetz at 1:22 PM on May 11, 2008

Coming up next on Ripley's Believe It or Batshitinsane!
posted by furtive at 1:25 PM on May 11, 2008 [1 favorite]

Hi guys. I'm dead. Thanks to the magic of the Grey Walter-Berger Neurophysical Construct, I'm here for questions and comments until 10:00. After that I'm... Hell, let's make it 11:00. After all I'm DEAD.

(I used to talk to the Dead all the time. Then they broke up! Fucking Yoko Ono. No wait...)
posted by crazylegs at 1:27 PM on May 11, 2008 [1 favorite]

Theodore Roosevelt approves.
posted by johngoren at 1:31 PM on May 11, 2008

I just used the Grey-Walter Weatherman system to speak with my dead grandfather.

He told me Zapruder is full of shit.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:09 PM on May 11, 2008 [2 favorites]

Aw man, I thought the "Grey Walter-Berger Neurophysical Construct" was a machine I could build, and there would be plans on the website. Even if it doesn't work, a machine for talking to the dead could be an interesting thing to have. This is much less interesting.
posted by -harlequin- at 2:12 PM on May 11, 2008

"well, yeah, you know, i DID get sick of playing me and my uncle"
posted by pyramid termite at 2:28 PM on May 11, 2008 [2 favorites]

Hey dead person, wat up?

Nuthin.

That's what I thought, peace out.
posted by Senator at 2:33 PM on May 11, 2008 [1 favorite]

Glendower: I can call spirits from the vasty deep.
Hotspur: Why, so can I, or so can any man;
But will they come when you do call for them?
--- Henry the Fourth
posted by SPrintF at 2:40 PM on May 11, 2008 [9 favorites]

This reminds me of a dream I had a couple of years ago. In the dream, a friend of mine (who happens to be deceased) was chatting with another friend of mine, then turns to say something to me, to which I then reply, "I'm sorry-it's not my practice to talk to dead people." Whereupon, he disappeared before my eyes.

I spent the rest of the dream worrying that I'd hurt his feelings.
posted by konolia at 2:47 PM on May 11, 2008 [8 favorites]

I had the opposite of konolia's experience. After my father died, I had a dream the phone in my apartment would not stop ringing. When I finally picked it up and it was my father. I said, "But you're dead." And he responded, "That doesn't mean I can't call." He then proceeded to tell me every wrong decision I had made since he died.

So, yes, talking to the dead can be dangerous indeed.
posted by miss-lapin at 2:52 PM on May 11, 2008 [13 favorites]

Those flashing lights on the video were very disturbing -- not at all relaxing. I read Grey Walter's book The Living Brain back in the day and was very impressed by a thesis he had as to why plants do not have nervous systems. It started back in the hot and steamy era when flowering plants first evolved. Having discovered all the exciting possibilities of sex mediated through birds and bees (literally), Angiosperms put all their "evolutionary energy" into developing an explosive riot of diverse flowers and had nothing left over to evolve nervous systems. Those sex-obsessed plants had their chance and they blew it. I'm sure I'm not making this up but I was about 19 when I read the book and it left a lasting impression! And it was the 60s.
posted by binturong at 2:56 PM on May 11, 2008 [2 favorites]

After my father died, I had a couple of those phone dreams, too. In one, he told me to buy a car I was considering-- he said (and I quote), "It's a good deal." The joke being that he was so, um, casual about cars in his lifetime that he let the battery and the oil in one engine run dry and the thing nearly exploded.

I did buy that car, and it was okay, I suppose, for a year or two. But in terms of advice from Beyond, it wasn't quite what I was hoping for.
posted by jokeefe at 3:01 PM on May 11, 2008 [5 favorites]

Well, it is far easier to get information out of someone by killing them first, then using Speak With Dead and, if need be, Spiritwrack, then it is trying to get them to talk while alive.

But I'm skeptical. She just doesn't strike me as 12th+ level.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 3:27 PM on May 11, 2008 [6 favorites]

I don't know. She certainly looks dead to me. And those roots! Dead as hell. What.
posted by exlotuseater at 3:46 PM on May 11, 2008

"Talking directly with the dead can cause an intense emotional response. Therefore please do not use this technique if:

• You suffer from psychosis, paranoia, or under psychiatric care."
posted by camcgee at 3:48 PM on May 11, 2008 [1 favorite]

In a cemetary in New Havebn, where many famous people are buried, there is a sign above the entrance which reads: The Dead shall Be Raised. My first wife wanted to put that message on the headboard to our bed, perhaps a reference to my sexual skills.
posted by Postroad at 3:57 PM on May 11, 2008

It's interesting that she (indirectly) states that talking to the dead is a scientific practice, or at least that her "technique" is rooted in science, and yet James Randi's million dollars goes unclaimed. In fact, from a quick search of his site, she hasn't even applied.

Curiouser and curiouser.
posted by Inversehelix at 3:58 PM on May 11, 2008 [1 favorite]

mmmmmmmm...hansberger
posted by kingfisher, his musclebound cat at 4:11 PM on May 11, 2008

Perhaps I should kill Sparky to get ready, because the little bastard sure doesn't understand a thing I say now.

No, Sparky, no. NO! I said get out of there! Bad Sparky!

God damn it, Sparky! Are you even listening to me? You better fucking listen to me, because I'll descend into Alpha Phase in a New York Minute. You better believe it. You're a bad dog, Sparky!
posted by Naberius at 4:20 PM on May 11, 2008

<> I met a most precious person here in the world after death. That person is Mr. Sang Hun Lee, an invaluable person of noble character, who is worthy of great trust. When I first met this man, it was not through a motivation of faith. We were in a place piled with books, and each of us was looking for some books when we happened to bump into each other. This was the beginning of our relationship. He greeted me as we were arranging a large number of books.

Apparently, at least for John Adams (to whom the preceding uttering is attributed), heaven is the place you go to arrange a large number of books. And learn about the Unification Church from Dr. Sang Hun Lee, who holds seminars there. In the giant, forever-disorganized library that constitutes heaven. Awesome.
posted by nosila at 4:27 PM on May 11, 2008

Lookit all the yellow!!!
posted by nosila at 4:28 PM on May 11, 2008

This power would be better used to taunt the dead. It's not like they can do anything about it. Hey, Hitler! You're so far beneath me you couldn't read "suck it" if I wrote it on the bottom of my shoe!
posted by stavrogin at 4:35 PM on May 11, 2008

Went down to the cemetery looking for love

Got there and my baby was buried

I had to dig her up
posted by bwg at 4:35 PM on May 11, 2008

Pshaw. Amateur. "I see dead people!"
posted by ericb at 4:37 PM on May 11, 2008

Talk to the dead?

No need, because they're always watching.

Including when you're in the shower.
posted by bwg at 4:37 PM on May 11, 2008

I know what my dead pet would say to me.

"You should have fed me, you fucker."
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:47 PM on May 11, 2008

I know it says you need to be 21 years old to talk to the dead but I still don't feel old enough.
posted by Hugonaut at 4:57 PM on May 11, 2008

Talk to the Dead? I can't even get past the parking lot, man. Miracle me!
posted by moonbird at 5:16 PM on May 11, 2008 [1 favorite]

I spoke with Hillary. She said she's still alive.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 5:32 PM on May 11, 2008 [2 favorites]

I know how to talk to the dead:

"L.A. CIGAR-TOO TRAGICAL."

But they don't have much of anything interesting to say. Most that talk to them just eat them instead.
posted by Snyder at 5:47 PM on May 11, 2008 [3 favorites]

Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary ...

When I was in 6th grade or thereabouts, I tried that in the bathroom mirror while sitting on the can - but with the lights on, as I was multitasking and actually using the toilet for its intended purpose. It was a fittingly dark and stormy night and the wind was howling like mad outside. On the third 'Bloody Mary', the water in the toilet bowl suddenly started to bubble violently. I'm still amazed that my voice isn't permanently three octaves higher due to the piercing shriek I let out while having the crap literally scared out of me.

Turned out that, rather than some murderous spirit coming to get me through the plumbing, the wind somehow managed to blow *down* the toilet's vent pipe.
posted by CKmtl at 5:53 PM on May 11, 2008 [14 favorites]

So did she ask Kennedy if there was really another shooter on the grassy knoll?
posted by caddis at 6:32 PM on May 11, 2008 [1 favorite]

As I was going up the stair
I met a man who wasn’t there.
He wasn’t there again today
I wish, I wish he’d go away.
posted by tgyg at 7:00 PM on May 11, 2008 [3 favorites]

Q: Mommy, mommy, do we have to visit grandpa again?
A: Shut up and keep digging.
posted by moonbird at 7:19 PM on May 11, 2008

Grey Walter was apparently a great researcher in the neurosciences, cybernetics, and study of AI. He died suddenly in 1997, and was discussed by his eldest son as a communist, and later an anarchist.

Zapruder is one of those names...Hummm.

I love a good conspiracy, as well as the next person. I think this woman has conspired to make a lot of money, and maybe she can do what she says, especially if she was a DARPA project, starting as a child. I would want to talk to my Dad, I would really want to speak with Ghengis Khan, but I don't speak his language. I guess I am stuck with English speakers. It seems to me that I will have an eternity to talk with the dead, after I join their ranks. I don't even like talking to the living, all that much.
posted by Oyéah at 7:35 PM on May 11, 2008 [1 favorite]

She looks like Marla Singer's hippie cousin.
posted by SassHat at 7:43 PM on May 11, 2008

Wait, is the daughter of the guy with the movie camera on the grassy knoll able to speak with the dead?

Because, if so, we live in an awesome country.
posted by Avenger at 8:02 PM on May 11, 2008

I spoke with Hillary. She said she's still alive.

2.1% alive
posted by pyramid termite at 8:19 PM on May 11, 2008

What'll I do?
When you are far away
And I am blue
What'll I do?

What'll I do with just a photograph
To tell my troubles to?

When I'm alone
With only dreams of you
That won't come true
What'll I do?

What'll I do with just a photograph
To tell my troubles to?

When I'm alone
With only dreams of you
That won't come true
What'll I do?
posted by Senator at 9:00 PM on May 11, 2008

Talking to the dead is no problem. It's getting an answer that's the issue.
posted by jenkinsEar at 9:32 PM on May 11, 2008 [2 favorites]

In the giant, forever-disorganized library that constitutes heaven

I'd hit that.
posted by jokeefe at 9:41 PM on May 11, 2008

I am deeply offended that the great names of Grey Walter and Hans Berger are used in association with this rather ordinary piece of psychopathological horseshit.
posted by ikkyu2 at 11:45 PM on May 11, 2008

Dang, now I'll have to re-watch my MST3K tapes again... The Dead Talk Back, for one, and the hi-la-ri-ous séance scene from The Wild Wild World of Batwoman...
posted by PontifexPrimus at 5:24 AM on May 12, 2008

When my first partner died, he came to me in a dream, just to tell me where to find his check book, so I would know what bills hadn't been paid. True story. I went right where he told me, in the morning, and there it was.
posted by Goofyy at 5:29 AM on May 12, 2008

"And top psychics all agree
That the telephone company
Will have a brand-new service
That lets you talk to the dead."
posted by Eideteker at 6:03 AM on May 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

Thing about the dead is, all the interesting people have better things to do than give you dating advice. So talking to the dead pretty much means hanging out with the same old assholes you couldn't get to shut up when they were alive.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:49 AM on May 12, 2008

Alpha Phase Descent

I'm pretty sure that's the name of the new Tek Jansen adventure.

Then thing is, I don't get what the big deal is about talking to the dead. The dead talk to me all the time. Probably something like Electronic Voice Phenomenon, or whatever, but Jimi, Janis, Bon, Kurt, Marc, Cliff, Ronnie and Cassie and Steve, and Sid talk always have something to say. Hell, I listen to them on the way to work nearly every day. I take their advice, and I use their poetry when I'm trying to fall asleep.

Of course, when I talk back to them, and they answer is when it gets a little strange. But I'm still holding off talking about that. Rights to the sitcom and all that.
posted by quin at 11:00 AM on May 12, 2008

I cannot tell you how many times I've gone into the bathroom, faced the mirror and said "Jack and Coke, Jack and Coke, Jack and Coke, Jack and Coke, Jack and Coke."

It NEVER fucking works.

Neither does saying "Guinness" 5 times.
posted by shmegegge at 11:56 AM on May 12, 2008

I cannot tell you how many times I've gone into the bathroom, faced the mirror and said "Jack and Coke, Jack and Coke, Jack and Coke, Jack and Coke, Jack and Coke."

It NEVER fucking works.

Neither does saying "Guinness" 5 times.

Try it in a barroom next time. That sort of thing usually works better for me there.
posted by TedW at 1:42 PM on May 12, 2008

With a grain of salt, and from the other website worth reading: Simple methods for conversing with those suffering from death.
posted by eritain at 1:42 PM on May 12, 2008

[Walks around with a tape recorder]

"Is there anyone here that would like to talk to us?"
posted by bwg at 4:39 PM on May 12, 2008

> If "dead" people can still talk, well then they aren't dead.

pwally gets it!


The past is never dead. It's not even past.
- Faulkner misunderstands "past"

what the dead had no speech for, when living,
They can tell you, being dead: the communication
Of the dead is tongued with fire beyond the language of the living.
- Eliot misunderstands "dead"
posted by jfuller at 7:21 PM on May 12, 2008