Comments on: How to talk to the dead

How to talk to the dead

destinyland — Sun, 11 May 2008 12:53:05 -0800

"All peoples of earth posess this natural ability," says Nicole Zapruder, who has been communicating with the dead since she was 4 years old. People aren't disputing her ability to use the Grey Walter-Berger Neurophysical Construct for communicating with the dead. They're asking her not to share it online because the technique is too dangerous. "The noise and clutter of modern times serves to distance people from nature and therefore the realization that this gift is in us all," Nicole argues. An important warning. "Do not contact any dead person who may have negative feelings toward you..." Coming in October? A site for communicating with your dead pet.

By: sonic meat machine

sonic meat machine — Sun, 11 May 2008 12:57:18 -0800

Con artists: best of the web.

By: destinyland

destinyland — Sun, 11 May 2008 12:59:48 -0800

I agree with her about the noise and clutter of modern times. Whether or not our ancestors could contact the dead is another question.

By: Huck500

Huck500 — Sun, 11 May 2008 13:00:44 -0800

I'm a person, and I'm disputing her abilities.

By: Burhanistan

Burhanistan — Sun, 11 May 2008 13:03:18 -0800

It must be the eyeliner that receives the otherworldly vibrations.

By: destinyland

destinyland — Sun, 11 May 2008 13:04:42 -0800

"I don't think you have really thought through the implications of offering this material to the public via the Internet. I fear that by opening the bridge between this world and the next, you are meddling with forces that you do not understand. Please let's leave the dead be." (From the site)

By: mds35

mds35 — Sun, 11 May 2008 13:05:11 -0800

Zapruder...any relation?

By: basicchannel

basicchannel — Sun, 11 May 2008 13:06:58 -0800

Crack and to the left. Crack and to the left.

By: YoBananaBoy

YoBananaBoy — Sun, 11 May 2008 13:07:17 -0800

*goes in bathroom, faces mirror, turns out light* Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary ...

By: pwally

pwally — Sun, 11 May 2008 13:09:06 -0800

I love how people misunderstand the word dead. It means things are over, done for, finito. Death = the end of the life of an organism. If "dead" people can still talk, well then they aren't dead. Alive, alive, alive, dead. Not alive, alive, alive, dead, alive, hey did you want to ask me a question, dead.

By: Caduceus

Caduceus — Sun, 11 May 2008 13:09:09 -0800

That's some quality web design right there.

By: StrangerInAStrainedLand

StrangerInAStrainedLand — Sun, 11 May 2008 13:12:45 -0800

I'm also going to have to ask her not to share her web design skills with the internet at large either; it's far, far too dangerous.

By: pwally

pwally — Sun, 11 May 2008 13:13:47 -0800

Her web design consultant was a dead guy.

By: Kid Charlemagne

Kid Charlemagne — Sun, 11 May 2008 13:18:07 -0800

Nothing on the whole web on the Grey Walter-Berger Neurophysical Construct. I guess I won't be imprinting my standing wave on anything from the PlayDough fun factory any time soon.

By: eye of newt

eye of newt — Sun, 11 May 2008 13:18:22 -0800

Nicole's next project will be the website 'Communicating with your deceased pet'. Mee-oow, me-ow-ow, meow.

By: destinyland

destinyland — Sun, 11 May 2008 13:20:17 -0800

Hans Berger: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hans_Berger Grey Walter: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Grey_Walter

By: quintessencesluglord

quintessencesluglord — Sun, 11 May 2008 13:21:44 -0800

I'm dead. She never returns my calls.

By: Benny Andajetz

Benny Andajetz — Sun, 11 May 2008 13:22:00 -0800

But remember, talking to the dead can be ~~dangerous.~~ fucking ~~crazytalk~~ profitable.

By: furtive

furtive — Sun, 11 May 2008 13:25:03 -0800

Coming up next on Ripley's Believe It or Batshitinsane!

By: crazylegs

crazylegs — Sun, 11 May 2008 13:27:14 -0800

Hi guys. I'm dead. Thanks to the magic of the Grey Walter-Berger Neurophysical Construct, I'm here for questions and comments until 10:00. After that I'm... Hell, let's make it 11:00. After all I'm DEAD. (I used to talk to the Dead all the time. Then they broke up! Fucking Yoko Ono. No wait...)

By: johngoren

johngoren — Sun, 11 May 2008 13:31:16 -0800

Theodore Roosevelt approves.

By: Navelgazer

Navelgazer — Sun, 11 May 2008 14:09:44 -0800

I just used the Grey-Walter Weatherman system to speak with my dead grandfather. He told me Zapruder is full of shit.

By: -harlequin-

-harlequin- — Sun, 11 May 2008 14:12:15 -0800

Aw man, I thought the "Grey Walter-Berger Neurophysical Construct" was a machine I could build, and there would be plans on the website. Even if it doesn't work, a machine for talking to the dead could be an interesting thing to have. This is much less interesting.

By: pyramid termite

pyramid termite — Sun, 11 May 2008 14:28:48 -0800

"well, yeah, you know, i DID get sick of playing me and my uncle"

By: Senator

Senator — Sun, 11 May 2008 14:33:40 -0800

Hey dead person, wat up? Nuthin. That's what I thought, peace out.

By: SPrintF

SPrintF — Sun, 11 May 2008 14:40:47 -0800

Glendower: I can call spirits from the vasty deep. Hotspur: Why, so can I, or so can any man; But will they come when you do call for them? --- Henry the Fourth

By: konolia

konolia — Sun, 11 May 2008 14:47:36 -0800

This reminds me of a dream I had a couple of years ago. In the dream, a friend of mine (who happens to be deceased) was chatting with another friend of mine, then turns to say something to me, to which I then reply, "I'm sorry-it's not my practice to talk to dead people." Whereupon, he disappeared before my eyes. I spent the rest of the dream worrying that I'd hurt his feelings.

By: miss-lapin

miss-lapin — Sun, 11 May 2008 14:52:48 -0800

I had the opposite of konolia's experience. After my father died, I had a dream the phone in my apartment would not stop ringing. When I finally picked it up and it was my father. I said, "But you're dead." And he responded, "That doesn't mean I can't call." He then proceeded to tell me every wrong decision I had made since he died. So, yes, talking to the dead can be dangerous indeed.

By: binturong

binturong — Sun, 11 May 2008 14:56:08 -0800

Those flashing lights on the video were very disturbing -- not at all relaxing. I read Grey Walter's book The Living Brain back in the day and was very impressed by a thesis he had as to why plants do not have nervous systems. It started back in the hot and steamy era when flowering plants first evolved. Having discovered all the exciting possibilities of sex mediated through birds and bees (literally), Angiosperms put all their "evolutionary energy" into developing an explosive riot of diverse flowers and had nothing left over to evolve nervous systems. Those sex-obsessed plants had their chance and they blew it. I'm sure I'm not making this up but I was about 19 when I read the book and it left a lasting impression! And it was the 60s.

By: jokeefe

jokeefe — Sun, 11 May 2008 15:01:48 -0800

After my father died, I had a couple of those phone dreams, too. In one, he told me to buy a car I was considering-- he said (and I quote), "It's a good deal." The joke being that he was so, um, casual about cars in his lifetime that he let the battery and the oil in one engine run dry and the thing nearly exploded. I did buy that car, and it was okay, I suppose, for a year or two. But in terms of advice from Beyond, it wasn't quite what I was hoping for.

By: Durn Bronzefist

Durn Bronzefist — Sun, 11 May 2008 15:27:37 -0800

Well, it is far easier to get information out of someone by killing them first, then using Speak With Dead and, if need be, Spiritwrack, then it is trying to get them to talk while alive. But I'm skeptical. She just doesn't strike me as 12th+ level.

By: exlotuseater

exlotuseater — Sun, 11 May 2008 15:46:29 -0800

I don't know. She certainly looks dead to me. And those roots! Dead as hell. What.

By: camcgee

camcgee — Sun, 11 May 2008 15:48:22 -0800

"Talking directly with the dead can cause an intense emotional response. Therefore please do not use this technique if: • You suffer from psychosis, paranoia, or under psychiatric care."

By: Postroad

Postroad — Sun, 11 May 2008 15:57:48 -0800

In a cemetary in New Havebn, where many famous people are buried, there is a sign above the entrance which reads: The Dead shall Be Raised. My first wife wanted to put that message on the headboard to our bed, perhaps a reference to my sexual skills.

By: Inversehelix

Inversehelix — Sun, 11 May 2008 15:58:20 -0800

It's interesting that she (indirectly) states that talking to the dead is a scientific practice, or at least that her "technique" is rooted in science, and yet James Randi's million dollars goes unclaimed. In fact, from a quick search of his site, she hasn't even applied. Curiouser and curiouser.

By: kingfisher, his musclebound cat

kingfisher, his musclebound cat — Sun, 11 May 2008 16:11:10 -0800

mmmmmmmm...hansberger

By: Naberius

Naberius — Sun, 11 May 2008 16:20:14 -0800

Perhaps I should kill Sparky to get ready, because the little bastard sure doesn't understand a thing I say now. No, Sparky, no. NO! I said get out of there! Bad Sparky! God damn it, Sparky! Are you even listening to me? You better fucking listen to me, because I'll descend into Alpha Phase in a New York Minute. You better believe it. You're a bad dog, Sparky!

By: nosila

nosila — Sun, 11 May 2008 16:27:08 -0800

<> I met a most precious person here in the world after death. That person is Mr. Sang Hun Lee, an invaluable person of noble character, who is worthy of great trust. When I first met this man, it was not through a motivation of faith. We were in a place piled with books, and each of us was looking for some books when we happened to bump into each other. This was the beginning of our relationship. He greeted me as we were arranging a large number of books. Apparently, at least for John Adams (to whom the preceding uttering is attributed), heaven is the place you go to arrange a large number of books. And learn about the Unification Church from Dr. Sang Hun Lee, who holds seminars there. In the giant, forever-disorganized library that constitutes heaven. Awesome.

By: nosila

nosila — Sun, 11 May 2008 16:28:36 -0800

Lookit all the yellow!!!

By: stavrogin

stavrogin — Sun, 11 May 2008 16:35:17 -0800

This power would be better used to taunt the dead. It's not like they can do anything about it. Hey, Hitler! You're so far beneath me you couldn't read "suck it" if I wrote it on the bottom of my shoe!

By: bwg

bwg — Sun, 11 May 2008 16:35:59 -0800

Went down to the cemetery looking for love Got there and my baby was buried I had to dig her up

By: ericb

ericb — Sun, 11 May 2008 16:37:09 -0800

Pshaw. Amateur. "I see dead people!"

By: bwg

bwg — Sun, 11 May 2008 16:37:20 -0800

Talk to the dead? No need, because they're always watching. Including when you're in the shower.

By: mr_crash_davis

mr_crash_davis — Sun, 11 May 2008 16:47:21 -0800

I know what my dead pet would say to me. "You should have fed me, you fucker."

By: Hugonaut

Hugonaut — Sun, 11 May 2008 16:57:09 -0800

I know it says you need to be 21 years old to talk to the dead but I still don't feel old enough.

By: moonbird

moonbird — Sun, 11 May 2008 17:16:44 -0800

Talk to the Dead? I can't even get past the parking lot, man. Miracle me!

By: weapons-grade pandemonium

weapons-grade pandemonium — Sun, 11 May 2008 17:32:07 -0800

I spoke with Hillary. She said she's still alive.

By: Snyder

Snyder — Sun, 11 May 2008 17:47:28 -0800

I know how to talk to the dead: "L.A. CIGAR-TOO TRAGICAL." But they don't have much of anything interesting to say. Most that talk to them just eat them instead.

By: CKmtl

CKmtl — Sun, 11 May 2008 17:53:26 -0800

Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary ... When I was in 6th grade or thereabouts, I tried that in the bathroom mirror while sitting on the can - but with the lights on, as I was multitasking and actually using the toilet for its intended purpose. It was a fittingly dark and stormy night and the wind was howling like mad outside. On the third 'Bloody Mary', the water in the toilet bowl suddenly started to bubble violently. I'm still amazed that my voice isn't permanently three octaves higher due to the piercing shriek I let out while having the crap literally scared out of me. Turned out that, rather than some murderous spirit coming to get me through the plumbing, the wind somehow managed to blow *down* the toilet's vent pipe.

By: caddis

caddis — Sun, 11 May 2008 18:32:31 -0800

So did she ask Kennedy if there was really another shooter on the grassy knoll?

By: tgyg

tgyg — Sun, 11 May 2008 19:00:38 -0800

As I was going up the stair I met a man who wasn’t there. He wasn’t there again today I wish, I wish he’d go away.

By: moonbird

moonbird — Sun, 11 May 2008 19:19:08 -0800

Q: Mommy, mommy, do we have to visit grandpa again? A: Shut up and keep digging.

By: Oyéah

Oyéah — Sun, 11 May 2008 19:35:32 -0800

Grey Walter was apparently a great researcher in the neurosciences, cybernetics, and study of AI. He died suddenly in 1997, and was discussed by his eldest son as a communist, and later an anarchist. Zapruder is one of those names...Hummm. I love a good conspiracy, as well as the next person. I think this woman has conspired to make a lot of money, and maybe she can do what she says, especially if she was a DARPA project, starting as a child. I would want to talk to my Dad, I would really want to speak with Ghengis Khan, but I don't speak his language. I guess I am stuck with English speakers. It seems to me that I will have an eternity to talk with the dead, after I join their ranks. I don't even like talking to the living, all that much.

By: SassHat

SassHat — Sun, 11 May 2008 19:43:56 -0800

She looks like Marla Singer's hippie cousin.

By: Avenger

Avenger — Sun, 11 May 2008 20:02:45 -0800

Wait, is the daughter of the guy with the movie camera on the grassy knoll able to speak with the dead? Because, if so, we live in an awesome country.

By: pyramid termite

pyramid termite — Sun, 11 May 2008 20:19:34 -0800

I spoke with Hillary. She said she's still alive. 2.1% alive

By: Senator

Senator — Sun, 11 May 2008 21:00:55 -0800

What'll I do? When you are far away And I am blue What'll I do? What'll I do with just a photograph To tell my troubles to? When I'm alone With only dreams of you That won't come true What'll I do? What'll I do with just a photograph To tell my troubles to? When I'm alone With only dreams of you That won't come true What'll I do?

By: jenkinsEar

jenkinsEar — Sun, 11 May 2008 21:32:43 -0800

Talking to the dead is no problem. It's getting an answer that's the issue.

By: jokeefe

jokeefe — Sun, 11 May 2008 21:41:28 -0800

In the giant, forever-disorganized library that constitutes heaven I'd hit that.

By: ikkyu2

ikkyu2 — Sun, 11 May 2008 23:45:38 -0800

I am deeply offended that the great names of Grey Walter and Hans Berger are used in association with this rather ordinary piece of psychopathological horseshit.

By: PontifexPrimus

PontifexPrimus — Mon, 12 May 2008 05:24:50 -0800

Dang, now I'll have to re-watch my MST3K tapes again... The Dead Talk Back, for one, and the hi-la-ri-ous séance scene from The Wild Wild World of Batwoman...

By: Goofyy

Goofyy — Mon, 12 May 2008 05:29:43 -0800

When my first partner died, he came to me in a dream, just to tell me where to find his check book, so I would know what bills hadn't been paid. True story. I went right where he told me, in the morning, and there it was.

By: Eideteker

Eideteker — Mon, 12 May 2008 06:03:24 -0800

"And top psychics all agree That the telephone company Will have a brand-new service That lets you talk to the dead."

By: It's Raining Florence Henderson

It's Raining Florence Henderson — Mon, 12 May 2008 08:49:25 -0800

Thing about the dead is, all the interesting people have better things to do than give you dating advice. So talking to the dead pretty much means hanging out with the same old assholes you couldn't get to shut up when they were alive.

By: quin

quin — Mon, 12 May 2008 11:00:53 -0800

Alpha Phase Descent I'm pretty sure that's the name of the new Tek Jansen adventure. Then thing is, I don't get what the big deal is about talking to the dead. The dead talk to me all the time. Probably something like Electronic Voice Phenomenon, or whatever, but Jimi, Janis, Bon, Kurt, Marc, Cliff, Ronnie and Cassie and Steve, and Sid talk always have something to say. Hell, I listen to them on the way to work nearly every day. I take their advice, and I use their poetry when I'm trying to fall asleep. Of course, when I talk back to them, and they answer is when it gets a little strange. But I'm still holding off talking about that. Rights to the sitcom and all that.

By: shmegegge

shmegegge — Mon, 12 May 2008 11:56:01 -0800

I cannot tell you how many times I've gone into the bathroom, faced the mirror and said "Jack and Coke, Jack and Coke, Jack and Coke, Jack and Coke, Jack and Coke." It NEVER fucking works. Neither does saying "Guinness" 5 times.

By: TedW

TedW — Mon, 12 May 2008 13:42:11 -0800

By: eritain

eritain — Mon, 12 May 2008 13:42:19 -0800

With a grain of salt, and from the other website worth reading: Simple methods for conversing with those suffering from death.

By: bwg

bwg — Mon, 12 May 2008 16:39:02 -0800

[Walks around with a tape recorder] "Is there anyone here that would like to talk to us?"

By: jfuller

jfuller — Mon, 12 May 2008 19:21:02 -0800

> If "dead" people can still talk, well then they aren't dead. pwally gets it! The past is never dead. It's not even past. - Faulkner misunderstands "past" what the dead had no speech for, when living, They can tell you, being dead: the communication Of the dead is tongued with fire beyond the language of the living. - Eliot misunderstands "dead"