Comments on: Are the seams in your hose often crooked?

Are the seams in your hose often crooked?

Dave Faris — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:17:13 -0800

Ladies, before you go searching for love from one of those online matchmaking sites, be sure to tally up your merits and demerits on this Marital Rating Scale.

By: Armitage Shanks

Armitage Shanks — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:21:14 -0800

Context...

By: aacheson

aacheson — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:22:11 -0800

I don't get it! Even if you have each thing on the merits side, it only adds up to 24 merits..which is very bad. Or maybe thats the point? wow, crooked stocking, face cream, AND curlers! I thought thats what all housewives did in the 30's-50's! Glad I'm where I am now and not back then.

By: tawny

tawny — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:22:28 -0800

A bit more context

By: joelhunt

joelhunt — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:23:01 -0800

I just emailed this to my wife, with instructions to fill it out and return it to me by the end of business today. I am confident this will end well.

By: hjo3

hjo3 — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:29:09 -0800

I don't get it! Even if you have each thing on the merits side, it only adds up to 24 merits..which is very bad. You're only looking at one page. This might help: Flickr set of whole booklet

By: Wolfdog

Wolfdog — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:30:14 -0800

I would move Demerit #2 to the Merits list, and Merit #11 to the Demerit list. Other than that, seems pretty solid.

By: Someone has just shot your horse!

Someone has just shot your horse! — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:33:37 -0800

I'm just glad that you lose as much for "Seams in hose often crooked"as you gain for "Good sense of humor" or "Can carry on an interesting conversation." Finally, a chart designed with the needs of a nylon-fetishist in mind!

By: bondcliff

bondcliff — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:35:30 -0800

I was filling this out for my wife, worried that #9 (puts cold feet on husband in bed) would ruin her score for her and I'd have to leave her, when she called me from the bike shop to tell me she took my bike in for a tune-up. No matter what her score, I think I'll keep her. She'll never know just how close she came.

By: Wolfdog

Wolfdog — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:36:58 -0800

Also, Merit #2 would be "automatic win".

By: basicchannel

basicchannel — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:37:49 -0800

Looks like viral marketing for Mad Men.

By: MikeMc

MikeMc — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:39:34 -0800

I didn't see "Makes Sammiches On Demand" or "Always up for Surprise Buttsecks" on the Merit side so I can't see how this rating scale has any credibility.

By: winna

winna — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:41:28 -0800

Finally, a chart designed with the needs of a nylon-fetishist in mind! Except that on the full chart 'walks around house in stocking feet' is a negative.

By: nebulawindphone

nebulawindphone — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:42:03 -0800

On the other hand, if she "reacts with pleasure and delight to marital congress," she would receive 10 merits. Makes it sound like she ought to be skipping through a sunny meadow with a basket of sex toys.

By: octothorpe

octothorpe — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:43:49 -0800

winna: "Finally, a chart designed with the needs of a nylon-fetishist in mind! Except that on the full chart 'walks around house in stocking feet' is a negative." She's supposed to be wearing 4" heals at all times.

By: gurple

gurple — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:46:02 -0800

How is it possible that #11 and #12, in both the merits and demerits columns, can occur together without irony?

By: khaibit

khaibit — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:46:06 -0800

Wait a minute, what the hell is wrong with Red fingernail polish?

By: uncleozzy

uncleozzy — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:48:16 -0800

Wow, the husband got a merit, even in 1939, for being an "[a]rdent lover--sees that wife has orgasm in marital congress."

By: Kibbutz

Kibbutz — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:49:23 -0800

Under the "Merits"-- 10. Good sense of humor--jolly and gay. Men, if the woman you intend to marry is gay, the marriage probably won't work out that well.

By: Wolfdog

Wolfdog — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:50:21 -0800

I never noticed it before, but that word has a double meaning!

By: raevyne

raevyne — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:50:44 -0800

It's true, I do fail to wash the top of the milk bottle before opening it. On the positive side, I got a total score of 25, just squeaking out of "very poor" into "poor." Sweet.

By: cowbellemoo

cowbellemoo — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:52:53 -0800

The "warms feet on husband in bed" thing seems adorable and intimate. Did everyone mistake playful discomfort for willful annoyance back then? Hay wait this is younger than McCain, too!

By: octothorpe

octothorpe — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:57:23 -0800

uncleozzy, that's only if the wife follows #23 and "Reacts with pleasure and delight".

By: unSane

unSane — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:58:33 -0800

The Flickr set previously mentioned has the same thing for husbands. I'm hiding it from my wife. Wait, can you hide something that's on the internet? Oh, God...

By: Johnny Assay

Johnny Assay — Wed, 14 May 2008 09:00:52 -0800

Wow, the husband got a merit, even in 1939, for being an "[a]rdent lover--sees that wife has orgasm in marital congress." Not only that, but it's worth the largest number of merits that can be received on either scale.

By: Dave Faris

Dave Faris — Wed, 14 May 2008 09:02:36 -0800

unSane: c:\Windows\system32\drivers\etc\hosts. 127.0.0.1 flickr.com

By: uncleozzy

uncleozzy — Wed, 14 May 2008 09:04:40 -0800

Turns out that, while I'd be a "very superior" husband, my girlfriend would be a "poor" (though on the border of "average") wife. I might need to rethink this, as certainly I can do better than someone who goes about in stocking feet, wears pajamas instead of nightgowns, and squeezes the toothpaste from the top. Thanks, Dr. Crane, for saving me a lifetime of heartache!

By: sutel

sutel — Wed, 14 May 2008 09:04:48 -0800

I just took the test for myself and my husband and he rates as "superior" and I rate as "poor." We are both extremely messy but apparently I get dinged more for it.

By: Zinger

Zinger — Wed, 14 May 2008 09:05:25 -0800

Wait a minute, what the hell is wrong with Red fingernail polish? = hussy, tramp. Same with bright red lipstick. I will at least give this credit for having merits and demerits for the husband's behavior too. Most of these "how to be a good wife" things were all about what the women should do for the men.

By: dasheekeejones

dasheekeejones — Wed, 14 May 2008 09:13:56 -0800

They could have boosted up the point size. I thought "dresses for breakfast" said "diseases for breakfast".

By: Avenger

Avenger — Wed, 14 May 2008 09:14:45 -0800

Wait a minute, what the hell is wrong with Red fingernail polish? Why don't you tell us, JEZEBEL! She's supposed to be wearing 4" heals at all times. And "dress for breakfast". I'm also trying to figure out why women should be religious but men should be allowed to "sleep in on Sunday".

By: dasheekeejones

dasheekeejones — Wed, 14 May 2008 09:17:05 -0800

She's supposed to be wearing 4" heals at all times. Do you think Flavor Flav made his women fill this out? If so, I'm guessing the 4" heels are clear. Oh and only Jesus would wear 4" "heals".

By: zach4000

zach4000 — Wed, 14 May 2008 09:18:43 -0800

Ok, I guess I am really dumb? But wife maximum score is 25, or poor? So this has to be a joke, right?

By: slimepuppy

slimepuppy — Wed, 14 May 2008 09:34:29 -0800

This is fried gold. Especially as several of my friends are getting married soon.

By: tula

tula — Wed, 14 May 2008 09:45:37 -0800

Cute, but after reading both the husband and wife questions I've gotta say that once you strip away the rigidity regarding sex roles and some other obvious anachronisms, it offers some fairly decent advice on being considerate of others and pleasant to live with.

By: cereselle

cereselle — Wed, 14 May 2008 09:45:45 -0800

Husband's Merit Scale #9: Reads newspaper, books, or magazines aloud to wife. Because we can't read on our own?

By: Ynoxas

Ynoxas — Wed, 14 May 2008 09:50:01 -0800

Ok, I guess I am really dumb? But wife maximum score is 25, or poor? So this has to be a joke, right? posted by zach4000 at 11:18 AM on May 14 Not dumb, you just didn't read the comments. All the pages are at the Flickr link above.

By: Justinian

Justinian — Wed, 14 May 2008 09:54:25 -0800

Yeah, this is the least objectionable one of these I've ever come across. Having a scorecard for husband is a step forward. "Least objectionable" is relative, obviously, as there are a lot of assumptions about the proper roles for husbands and wives but at least there is a recognition that wives and husbands need to work at a good marriage.

By: Justinian

Justinian — Wed, 14 May 2008 09:55:19 -0800

Husband's Merit Scale #9: Reads newspaper, books, or magazines aloud to wife. Because we can't read on our own? I'm pretty sure that spouses reading to eachother is a very positive sign in terms of having a happy marriage.

By: potsmokinghippieoverlord

potsmokinghippieoverlord — Wed, 14 May 2008 10:02:48 -0800

I think this is the same Dr. Crane who wrote demented columns about how feminists just needed to give up more "boudoir cheesecake" for their men and settle down -- he was a serious loon, especially toward the end of his syndicated run.

By: Cool Papa Bell

Cool Papa Bell — Wed, 14 May 2008 10:14:47 -0800

Where's the fellatio merit box? Or did they not have that way back in the day...?

By: Tehanu

Tehanu — Wed, 14 May 2008 10:18:21 -0800

Since some of my best features earn demerits here, I suspect it contains a secret test for lesbianism. Also that I'm not OCD, given some of the questions here. Win/win.

By: Pecinpah

Pecinpah — Wed, 14 May 2008 10:28:17 -0800

I was going to send this on to my girlfriend, but then I thought about next Valentine's Day. Think I'll keep this in my hip pocket 'til then.

By: Project F

Project F — Wed, 14 May 2008 10:33:27 -0800

Husband's Merit Scale #9: Reads newspaper, books, or magazines aloud to wife. Because we can't read on our own? I do this with my wife sometimes. She cuddles up and it turns reading into a really lovely, snuggly group experience, instead of a solo activity.

By: BitterOldPunk

BitterOldPunk — Wed, 14 May 2008 10:52:30 -0800

Mmmmmm..... boudoir cheesecake...... As for "Dresses For Breakfast", well, that's just common sense. It's painful to cook bacon naked.

By: eponymouse

eponymouse — Wed, 14 May 2008 10:59:18 -0800

Husband leaves dresser drawers open? AND shoes in the living room? DTMFA!

By: uncleozzy

uncleozzy — Wed, 14 May 2008 11:07:17 -0800

(I did lose a point for monopolizing the radio on Sundays as for the baseball broadcasts.)

By: krautland

krautland — Wed, 14 May 2008 11:08:26 -0800

how is being religious an asset? how is red nail polish detremential? where are the "does she take it up the butt" questions? this is just another lame "look at how sexist the world used to be" thngs. unfortunately I've already laughed about these kind of things a few hundred times.

By: billyfleetwood

billyfleetwood — Wed, 14 May 2008 11:32:27 -0800

> this is just another lame "look at how sexist the world used to be" thngs. unfortunately I've already laughed about these kind of things a few hundred times. Not laughing at our lame jokes? That's a demerit! Now get dressed and make us some breakfast.

By: chunking express

chunking express — Wed, 14 May 2008 11:33:11 -0800

krautland, well it's good you showed up to let us all know how lame you aren't. WORDUP DUDE.

By: Dave Faris

Dave Faris — Wed, 14 May 2008 11:37:21 -0800

Come on, krautland ... it's from 1939. Nothing bad ever happened in 1939.

By: rusty

rusty — Wed, 14 May 2008 11:46:36 -0800

Hey! Mens #42 is exactly what it says on my business card.

By: jb

jb — Wed, 14 May 2008 11:47:54 -0800

Husband's Merit Scale #9: Reads newspaper, books, or magazines aloud to wife. Actually, this is really nice, especially when one of you is cooking or doing the dishes. But we've mostly switched to radio because of that problem. This is on the women's merit list: "Reacts with pleasure and delight to marital congress" (10). Personally, I would have thought that her pleasure is his job (just as his pleasure is hers). I supose it just means being interested; making an effort to be interested in important in a relationship (especially when stress can really affect sex drives). But I think I should have gotten more than one point for this: "Keeps self dainty, perfumes and feminine" - now, he hates perfumes, so I don't have to worry about that, but I've been working really hard to stay female (which matters, because he's straight), and I want more recognition for that. But yeah, I'm sucky wife material. Don't even wear stockings, let alone straight ones. And I come from a culture that believes shoes on in the house is both uncomfortable and rude/unclean.

By: supercres

supercres — Wed, 14 May 2008 12:05:35 -0800

Personally, I would have thought that her pleasure is his job. Didn't you see what the highest point value on the husband's scale is? Yeeeaaaah, number 38.

By: jb

jb — Wed, 14 May 2008 12:34:45 -0800

My husband only got 44, though, and that was with that bonus super highly rated merit.

By: rmless

rmless — Wed, 14 May 2008 12:49:50 -0800

On the husband scale, I like that "regrets getting married" is on par with "leaves shoes in the living room."

By: bettafish

bettafish — Wed, 14 May 2008 13:24:04 -0800

... What's boudoir cheesecake?

By: dirtynumbangelboy

dirtynumbangelboy — Wed, 14 May 2008 13:27:51 -0800

It's like breakfast in bed, except it's dessert.

By: Dormant Gorilla

Dormant Gorilla — Wed, 14 May 2008 14:16:39 -0800

"Draws on tablecloth with pencil." When they're that specific, I just think of the bizarre and obscure laws like "lions are not allowed to drive cars on Thursdays if their human passenger is not wearing a cravat" that you just know are only on the books because one random dude had a serious problem. Somewhere in the 1930's was a woman with severe doodling issues.

By: kirkaracha

kirkaracha — Wed, 14 May 2008 14:26:10 -0800

"Gives wife ample allowance or turns over pay check to her." "Belches without apology." Oops.

By: cmyk

cmyk — Wed, 14 May 2008 14:33:22 -0800

I got a negative six. Please send me your spare cats.

By: miss lynnster

miss lynnster — Wed, 14 May 2008 15:55:04 -0800

When they're that specific, I just think of the bizarre and obscure laws like "lions are not allowed to drive cars on Thursdays if their human passenger is not wearing a cravat" that you just know are only on the books because one random dude had a serious problem. Somewhere in the 1930's was a woman with severe doodling issues. That reminds me of "10,000 Dreams Interpreted" which was written by Herman Miller in 1901. It's STILL on the shelves in nearly every bookstore, it's the classic standard dream interpretation book, I guess. Anyhow I remember in high school (mid 1980s) I was thumbing through it while on the phone with a friend. We rode horses so I started reading what the horse dreams were. Started out pretty dull... "seeing or riding a white horse," "see a horse running away with others," "see a wounded horse"... very pedestrian stuff. As I kept reading, both my friend and I were kind of falling asleep because we were really just doing what teenagers do and continuing to talk about nothing for hours on end even though we had nothing important to say. So I continued reading the dreams... "trimming a horse's mane...", "riding a black horse...", "riding a horse down hill...", blah blah blah. We're both nearly asleep as I start to read the very last dream in this classic book. Which, since 1901, has apparently gone exactly like this: To see a horse in human flesh, descending on a hammock through the air, and as it nears your house is metamorphosed into a man, and he approaches your door and throws something at you which seems to be rubber but turns into great bees, denotes miscarriage of hopes and useless endeavors to regain lost valuables. To see animals in human flesh, signifies great advancement to the dreamer, and new friends will be made by modest wearing of well-earned honors. If the human flesh appears diseased or freckled, the miscarriage of well-laid plans is denoted. As I started to read it, I was sleepy... but by the time I got to the word "flesh" I started to wake up. Then it just got funnier with every word until my friend and I were laughing so hard we were crying and I could no longer speak by the time they got to "great bees." Because WHO THE FUCK DREAMS THAT DREAM!!!!?????? I mean, I have a hard time thinking it's a big problem, y'know? I mean, I've tried to PICTURE that dream and I can't get much further than trying to picture a human flesh horse, let alone trying to figure out what it looks like for a flesh horse to descend on an airbound hammock and throw great bees of rubber. God I love that dream.

By: miss lynnster

miss lynnster — Wed, 14 May 2008 15:57:26 -0800

Correction: not written by Herman Miller, written by Gustavus Hindman Miller. Whoops. Gotta give Gus his due.

By: munyeca

munyeca — Wed, 14 May 2008 16:00:57 -0800

Negative 19. Hating children is only minus five?

By: Dave Faris

Dave Faris — Wed, 14 May 2008 16:18:13 -0800

Herman Miller ... descending on a hammock through the air So that's where he got the idea for that Aeron chair.

By: speug

speug — Wed, 14 May 2008 18:13:23 -0800

Come on, krautland ... it's from 1939. Nothing bad ever happened in 1939. Dave Faris for the win!

By: kirkaracha

kirkaracha — Wed, 14 May 2008 23:07:59 -0800

Wait a minute, what the hell is wrong with Red fingernail polish? The Women opened in 1939. "I've had two years to grow claws mother. Jungle red!"

By: mindless progress

mindless progress — Thu, 15 May 2008 07:06:13 -0800

rusty: "Hey! Mens #42 is exactly what it says on my business card." "Eats onions, radishes or garlic before dates or going to bed" ?

By: cmyk

cmyk — Thu, 15 May 2008 08:46:32 -0800

munyeca, if we got married it would create a hole in the universe which would single-handedly demolish Marriage As We Know It. You wanna?

By: krautland

krautland — Thu, 15 May 2008 11:51:47 -0800

>Not laughing at our lame jokes? That's a demerit! Now get dressed and make us some breakfast. >krautland, well it's good you showed up to let us all know how lame you aren't. WORDUP DUDE. >Come on, krautland ... it's from 1939. Nothing bad ever happened in 1939. I didn't say the subject matter wasn't funny, I said this kind of joke has been made so many times that it's gone stale. grow up.

By: zach4000

zach4000 — Fri, 16 May 2008 09:49:01 -0800

Thanks Ynoxas!