Spongebob Rectal Thermometer

May 14, 2008 2:47 PM

Best rectal thermometer ever? And yes, it does play the theme song while taking your temperature.
posted by jonson (74 comments total)

eponysterical...?
posted by SmileyChewtrain at 2:49 PM on May 14 [1 favorite]

Which end goes in?
posted by Dave Faris at 2:50 PM on May 14 [1 favorite]

Next up: New Yorker thermometer that shouts "Christ, what an asshole!"
posted by cortex at 2:53 PM on May 14 [10 favorites]

That makes sense, given that I often refer to my lower regions as "the pineapple under the sea."
posted by Greg Nog at 2:53 PM on May 14 [3 favorites]

Favored and endorsed by Assy McGee.
posted by ericb at 2:53 PM on May 14

Big deal. They also sell a Hannah Montana Home Pregnancy Test.*


*No, they don't.
posted by ColdChef at 2:54 PM on May 14 [3 favorites]

To be fair, if you look at the packaging it says oral, underarm or rectal.

Still, though, the fuck?
posted by danb at 2:57 PM on May 14

Oh, but they should.
posted by louche mustachio at 2:57 PM on May 14

Your favorite rectal thermometer stucks.
posted by ornate insect at 2:57 PM on May 14

This thermometer, it vibrates?
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 2:58 PM on May 14 [2 favorites]

Every time I see "rectal thermometer" I remember the first time I ever put one in my baby's butt. He hadn't pooped for two days, the nurse said putting a thermometer in might help him work his sphincter.

Hoo boy. That thing shot a full foot out of his ass when the explosion came, and I was holding on to it at the time. The shit actually cleared the diaper we'd put underneath him to catch it. It was the only thing he didn't get shit on.

The idea of a singing Spongebob sailing across the nursery in a barrage of butt mustard, crying out "Absorbent and yellow and porous is he!" is just about the best thing I've imagined this month.
posted by middleclasstool at 2:58 PM on May 14 [61 favorites]

To be fair, if you look at the packaging it says oral, underarm or rectal.

just make up your mind on which one of the three when you buy it. and never try the others,
posted by matteo at 3:00 PM on May 14 [2 favorites]

What were the designers thinking? I mean... look at where the pointy bit of the thermometer is emerging from. That's right, his pants.

Are you READY, kids?
posted by WalterMitty at 3:00 PM on May 14 [1 favorite]

With all the ass jokes in today's cartoons, I think this is actually pretty awesome and entirely appropriate.
posted by Joey Michaels at 3:04 PM on May 14

Big deal. They also sell a Hannah Montana Home Pregnancy Test.*

The Zoey 101 Pregnancy Test is the preferred model for todays tweens.

Like, OMFG, it's BLUE!!11!
posted by Ufez Jones at 3:06 PM on May 14

The idea of a singing Spongebob sailing across the nursery in a barrage of butt mustard, crying out "Absorbent and yellow and porous is he!" is just about the best thing I've imagined this month.

Sounds like you've had a rough month. Have a beer.
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:09 PM on May 14 [2 favorites]

Lord, I don't even want to think about the crazy fetishes that are going to develop in about 15 years when today's kids start working out their repressed feelings about shit like this.
posted by shadow vector at 3:13 PM on May 14 [1 favorite]

I hope it doesn't play any of the soundtrack from Deliverance.
posted by schroedinger at 3:18 PM on May 14 [1 favorite]

Do we really need themed rectal probes?
posted by puke & cry at 3:19 PM on May 14

Butt mustard.
posted by loquacious at 3:20 PM on May 14 [1 favorite]

The idea of a singing Spongebob sailing across the nursery in a barrage of butt mustard, crying out "Absorbent and yellow and porous is he!" is just about the best thing I've imagined this month.
After that comment, please forgive me for misreading your name as "middleclass stool."
posted by Killick at 3:20 PM on May 14 [3 favorites]

Do we really need themed rectal probes?

Do you really need to ask?
posted by dersins at 3:22 PM on May 14

OF COURSE WE DO
posted by dersins at 3:23 PM on May 14

AYE AYE, CAPTAIN!

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
posted by Avenger at 3:25 PM on May 14

I am so ordering this for my clinic.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 3:26 PM on May 14

Join Dora the Explorer on her newest spelunking adventure.
posted by Kabanos at 3:27 PM on May 14 [2 favorites]

Join Dora the Explorer on her newest spelunking adventure.

Slarty Bartfast -- another one for your clinic.
posted by ericb at 3:39 PM on May 14

You should have seen the Squidward Tentacles model they were testing in the lab. Fun for the whole family.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:40 PM on May 14

Oh my. I hope they've licensed the patent.

United States Patent 20070160112 -- THERMOMETER

"A thermometer includes an elongated body comprising a tip, one or more illumination elements that outputs light and a timing device configured to measure a period of time. The tip of the thermometer is configured to measure a bodily temperature when placed within or near a person's anatomy. Further, the illumination element may be positioned on or within the elongated body. In some embodiments, the illumination element, which is configured to output light after a period of time has elapsed, can be incorporated into an ornamental element.

20. The thermometer of claim 17, wherein the ornamental element comprises a cartoon character."

posted by ericb at 3:44 PM on May 14

There's the Timex koala musical thermometer, which takes a li...

Aw, forget it.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 3:45 PM on May 14

It's a pretty straightforward thermomenter, and while you could stick it up your ass, calling it a 'rectal thermometer' is kind of bullshit. Not that it matters, but just being dishonest like that to get a few laughs irritates me.
posted by delmoi at 3:48 PM on May 14

Maybe you've got a fever...?
posted by Dave Faris at 3:49 PM on May 14

"It's a pretty straightforward thermomenter, and while you could stick it up your ass, calling it a 'rectal thermometer' is kind of bullshit. Not that it matters, but just being dishonest like that to get a few laughs irritates me."

You did actually follow the link and read where it said this:

Oral, underarm or rectal use

right?

Or are you using your Spongebob Rectal Stick tonight?
posted by mr_crash_davis at 3:51 PM on May 14

but just being dishonest like that to get a few laughs irritates me

I fear I may have lost your trust... but I swear, if it's the last thing I do, I will earn it back. If I have to slave away on my hands & knees from here to eternity, come hell or high water delmoi you will one day think of jonson & honesty in the same sentence without a hint of sarcasm or irony.

Actually, that was just me being dishonest again.
posted by jonson at 3:51 PM on May 14 [3 favorites]

To be fair, if you look at the packaging it says oral, underarm or rectal.

Forgetfulness and a Spongebob thermometer combining to result in accidental ATM is not a possibility I'd considered before. Thanks for opening my eyes, Metafilter.
posted by rhymer at 3:53 PM on May 14

Monotremes only have one orifice, so platypus thermometers don't need instructions.
posted by lukemeister at 4:08 PM on May 14

I would so let Dora take my temperature. Spongebob, not so much. I always knew that sponge was wrong.
posted by localroger at 4:13 PM on May 14 [2 favorites]

I wont be singing any song with that in me.
posted by MikeonTV at 4:29 PM on May 14

Monotremes only have one orifice, so platypus thermometers don't need instructions.

Not true; how else will they know how long to leave it in?
posted by davejay at 4:32 PM on May 14

Its a thermometer. Its not labeled a "rectal thermometer." All thermometers work rectally. This is as "hilarious" as the harry potter "vibrator."

These are tremble before the oozinator.
posted by damn dirty ape at 4:32 PM on May 14

"Who lives in a dingleberry way in your shitwinker??"
posted by jonmc at 4:41 PM on May 14 [1 favorite]

You did actually follow the link and read where it said this:

Oral, underarm or rectal use

Did you actually read my whole comment where I said:

while you could stick it up your ass

I think most people who buy this would use it as an oral thermometer.
posted by delmoi at 4:45 PM on May 14 [1 favorite]

I think most people who buy this would use it as an oral thermometer.

Even so, positioning the pointy bit where Spongebob's bits would be (if he had bits) is still... unfortunate.
posted by WalterMitty at 4:51 PM on May 14

That makes sense, given that I often refer to my lower regions as "the pineapple under the sea."

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

Favored and endorsed by Assy McGee.

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!
posted by DecemberBoy at 4:54 PM on May 14

I always thought that rectal thermometers existed, and that they were different than regular thermometers, but what do I know; I'm not a nurse. Why would anyone choose, aside from a fixation, to take their temp from their ass, if it's the same as taking one's temp orally? Maybe I should consult the googles...
posted by ornate insect at 5:16 PM on May 14

That's funny, I own a Spongebob thermometer. I bought it on purpose.

Shall you all laugh at me now? Ha ha? Because I own a thermometer of an ambiguously gay cartoon character that can be put in a rectum?
posted by jabberjaw at 5:32 PM on May 14 [1 favorite]

Not true; how else will they know how long to leave it in?

They wait until it beeps. The thermometer, I mean.
posted by lukemeister at 5:40 PM on May 14

I think someone misheard "Krabby Patties."
posted by cerebus19 at 5:40 PM on May 14

"Shall you all laugh at me now? Ha ha? Because I own a thermometer of an ambiguously gay cartoon character that can be put in a rectum?"

No, we will all laugh at you (Ha ha!) because you took as your username the name of an ambiguously gay cartoon shark.

Unless you prefer the former. It's your choice.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 5:46 PM on May 14

That's funny, I own a Spongebob thermometer. I bought it on purpose.

I was surprised how hard it is to find a non-Spongebob thermometer. I hope Mark Bauerlein doesn't find out about this.
posted by lukemeister at 5:48 PM on May 14

(P.S. I know they aren't manuscripts...but LOL Early Modern Printed Materials Spongebob Oral Thermometer didn't have the same ring to it. LOLNomenclature! Let it go.)
posted by Stylus Happenstance at 5:56 PM on May 14

Spongebob is mercury free!
posted by Tube at 6:12 PM on May 14

To be fair, if you look at the packaging it says oral, underarm or rectal.

What in the sam hell is Eliot Spitzer's general counsel doing posting here?
posted by joe lisboa at 6:17 PM on May 14 [2 favorites]

What in the sam hell is Eliot Spitzer's general counsel doing posting here?

Looking for Ms. Right.
posted by jonmc at 6:27 PM on May 14

All I know is, once a rectal thermometer, ALWAYS a rectal thermometer.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 6:41 PM on May 14

Your link is now the sixth Google search result for "rectal thermometer". This MeFi thread is the ninth.

Number 5 is to the so-called Hello Kitty rectal thermometer, which is also just a normal thermometer that can also be used in the rectum.

WHEN WILL THE GODDAMNED LIES END???
posted by dgaicun at 6:45 PM on May 14

How do you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?





By the taste!


(Am I in the right thread?)
posted by BinGregory at 6:51 PM on May 14 [1 favorite]

No, we will all laugh at you (Ha ha!) because you took as your username the name of an ambiguously gay cartoon shark.

Unless you prefer the former. It's your choice.

I like choices.

They should make Jabberjaw thermometers.
posted by jabberjaw at 7:09 PM on May 14

Must our children's rectal thermometers be limited only to ambiguously gay cartoon characters? Can I buy one of Uncle Arthur from Bewitched?
posted by dgaicun at 7:24 PM on May 14

They should make Jabberjaw thermometers.

Woody Woodpecker, too. HAHAHA..isthisthingon....?
posted by jonmc at 7:25 PM on May 14

(also, has it ever occured to anyone that the Beavis & Butthead laugh is basically the Woodpecker laugh played on a slower turntable?)
posted by jonmc at 7:29 PM on May 14

Why stop at ambiguously gay?

A Rip Taylor rectal thermometer: your temperature announced in his voice through a big mustachioed bobblehead, followed by "Is it hot in here or just me?!", a zanny laugh and confetti being shot out of the end.
posted by CKmtl at 8:29 PM on May 14 [5 favorites]

"Did you know that the average fish contains as much mercury as a rectal thermometer? WOULD YOU EAT A RECTAL THERMOMETER? ANSWER ME, DAMN YOU!"
"Well...uh...no..."
"Well I would."
om nom nom sounds
"Ah, mercury, sweetest of the transition metals."
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 8:45 PM on May 14

Truth be told, there are few cartoon franchises that would not benefit from a themed rectal thermometer.
posted by danb at 10:01 PM on May 14 [1 favorite]

Spongebob has enough trouble regarding his sexual identity.

Unless being unapologetically gay is "trouble," I think this is dead wrong.
posted by zekinskia at 11:15 PM on May 14

This certainly wasn't considered from the kid's point of view. How would you react if your favorite TV pal was shoved up your ass when you were under the weather? And adding the music is just evil. Every time the tv theme plays, the kid is going to have a memory of being violated.

Talk about giving your kid a complex.
posted by Dave Faris at 11:22 PM on May 14

Love the look on Spongebob's face. It's a little too happy.
posted by dasheekeejones at 4:27 AM on May 15

Thank you very much. Short on sleep today, and the laughs helped.

As for rectal vs. oral temperature-taking: This was more useful in the bad old days of mercury-and-glass thermometers. Nobody's ass is going to bite the thermometer in two. Also, it can be very difficult to keep your mouth closed on a thermometer, when your nose is too stuffed to breath.
posted by Goofyy at 6:00 AM on May 15

Nobody's ass is going to bite the thermometer in two.

I submit that Mr. T could do that if he wanted to.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:34 AM on May 15 [1 favorite]

tries to comment... no words... tears... can't stop laughing
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 9:31 AM on May 15

I'm holding out for the "Invader" Zim model myself.
posted by malocchio at 12:36 PM on May 15

I'm holding out for the "Invader" Zim model myself.

Waiting for the Cat-dog one myself.....don't judge me!
posted by samsara at 5:57 PM on May 15

Oops. I forgot about this thread, and it's been over a day since anyone posted, but since two people asked, (and I wasn't trying to bait anybody) it's Confederacy of Dunces.
posted by Stylus Happenstance at 2:33 PM on May 16

And the wrong thread. Screw it.
posted by Stylus Happenstance at 8:32 PM on May 16