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May 19, 2008 4:07 PM   Subscribe

BREAKING NEWS: Kasparov assailed by flying dong. Possible inspiration
posted by thirteenkiller (83 comments total) 39 users marked this as a favorite

 
That's the world's first flying dildo to be made entirely of polonium
posted by thirteenkiller at 4:08 PM on May 19, 2008 [8 favorites]


Spassky, you scalliwag. You countered Kasparov's Gaping Opening with your own Forceful Flying Thrust!
posted by WolfDaddy at 4:11 PM on May 19, 2008


OOh... oh God... I'm dying here! That... it's... I mean... and then the security guy swats it out of the air...

OK, I just now caught my breath. Thanks so much for this. I don't care if it's juvenile, this is the funniest goddamn thing I've seen all year.
posted by DecemberBoy at 4:14 PM on May 19, 2008 [4 favorites]


GIVE US A BREAK YOU FUCKS!
posted by dersins at 4:15 PM on May 19, 2008


I don't know Sir, but it looks like a HUGE...
posted by elpapacito at 4:18 PM on May 19, 2008


That's fucking magnificent. Incredible.
posted by loquacious at 4:19 PM on May 19, 2008


I'm trying to imagine how the Secret Service would deal with this at a McCain rally. Significant amounts of leaping and machine-gun fire methinks.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 4:21 PM on May 19, 2008


I'm just happy that breaking news about Kasparov is not his assassination.
posted by callmejay at 4:21 PM on May 19, 2008 [8 favorites]


The secret service would have McCain offstage as soon as the whining noise was heard.
posted by BrotherCaine at 4:22 PM on May 19, 2008


That security guy is lucky.

Had this not been post-Soviet Russia, that dong would have slapped him.
posted by CKmtl at 4:23 PM on May 19, 2008 [31 favorites]


A novel method of getting it up.
posted by Tube at 4:25 PM on May 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


Beats pie-throwing, that's for damn sure.
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:27 PM on May 19, 2008


There's been a bit of a cock-up on the press conference front.
posted by Floydd at 4:27 PM on May 19, 2008 [2 favorites]


Livebookmarked: http://www.metafilter.com/tags/dong/rss
posted by 7segment at 4:27 PM on May 19, 2008


This reminds me of that story from the second continental congress where Jefferson's skittering clockwork vagina snagged Ben Franklin's shoe buckle.
posted by bunnytricks at 4:30 PM on May 19, 2008 [57 favorites]


image
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 4:31 PM on May 19, 2008 [2 favorites]


Get to da choppa!!!
posted by Tube at 4:33 PM on May 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


At first I watched the video without sound, and thought the dong was being lowered on a string. This was mildly funny.

Then I watched it again with sound, and realized it was on a little propeller.

Gary Kasparov, chess grandmaster, leader of the Russian progressive movement, accosted by a screeching peniscopter.

I lol'd. I lol'd hard. Screamers has nothing on this.
posted by Rhaomi at 4:34 PM on May 19, 2008


Oh my God.. that...

I actually lol'ed. Seriously. Out loud.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 4:35 PM on May 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


neo wouldn't have had nearly as difficult a time rescuing morpheus if he'd had that chopper.

plus, how fun would it be to see morpheus clinging to the end of a ginormous clipped schlong?

pretty darn fun, i think.
posted by CitizenD at 4:37 PM on May 19, 2008


Motion to make "whaBAM" the official subtitle of the eventual dong-swat screencap.
posted by danb at 4:41 PM on May 19, 2008


That looks just like my penis, only smaller. And capable of sustained flight.
posted by emelenjr at 4:43 PM on May 19, 2008 [5 favorites]


I am truly stuck, mentally, at thirteen years old. That made my afternoon!
posted by maxwelton at 4:44 PM on May 19, 2008


And to think I just finished watching Steve Ballmer getting egged and thought "how'd he get eggs past security, esp. with a shirt like that?". I'm now forced to ask no one in particular "how do you get a remote-controlled heli-dildo past security?".

Sometimes, people rule.
posted by revmitcz at 4:45 PM on May 19, 2008


What was Kasparov speaking about (and what was his, ah, comeback?)

And what are the odds someone in the the Soviet government did this to make him look foolish?
posted by zippy at 4:47 PM on May 19, 2008


Soviet Russian
posted by zippy at 4:48 PM on May 19, 2008


Wow. Neat if only to find out that emelenjr's penis looks just like my penis only small. And isn't capable of sustained flight.
posted by dobbs at 4:49 PM on May 19, 2008 [4 favorites]


I laughed pretty hard. What was the point, though?
posted by HighTechUnderpants at 4:55 PM on May 19, 2008


Electile Dysfunction.
posted by Tube at 4:57 PM on May 19, 2008 [4 favorites]


thirteenkiller: "That's the world's first flying dildo to be made entirely of polonium"

I I beg to differ. That was made entirely out of LOLtonium.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 5:03 PM on May 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


OK then. I ignored this post until just now. Why do I care that someone threw a fake dong at Kasparov? Bored, I finally clicked. LOL! I, too, LOLed. Out loud. I hope a translation turns up. Kasparov is a smart and witty man, and I'd love to hear what he said.

I also would like to know what went through that security dude's mind when he startled. AH! FLYING DONG!!!! GET IT!!!
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 5:03 PM on May 19, 2008



Electile Dysfunction.


Not japan. Lussia!
posted by lalochezia at 5:05 PM on May 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


How the fuck, with 50 cameras, did they get such a shitty shot of the flying penis? Jesus, it a FLYING FAKE PENIS, CAMERA DUDES! Do your jobs and cover the story!
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 5:06 PM on May 19, 2008 [3 favorites]


I also would like to know what went through that security dude's mind when he startled. AH! FLYING DONG!!!! GET IT!!!

Me too. It seems like when he first hears the noise, he immediately thinks "oh shit, we're being attacked somehow", then he sees what it is and is at least somewhat amused, especially if you look at the still image. This story will undoubtedly be passed down in his family for generations. "Kids, did I ever tell you about the time your grandfather swatted a heli-dildo out of the air?"
posted by DecemberBoy at 5:10 PM on May 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


Haven't had much time for flying lessons, dobbs, what with all the sex.
posted by emelenjr at 5:12 PM on May 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


Check out the guy to the left of security-guy in the still photo. He just has a look of total disgust for him on his face. "Is flying dildo. Security cannot even control flying dildo? This would not have heppened in Soviet days. Moose and squirrel!"
posted by DecemberBoy at 5:21 PM on May 19, 2008 [5 favorites]


On the other, the people behind this are supporting the suppression of political opposition and facilitating the rebirth of an authoritarian superpower. On the other, LULZ.
So I'm torn.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 5:22 PM on May 19, 2008 [2 favorites]


Remotely-controlled flying dick
posted by BitterOldPunk at 5:23 PM on May 19, 2008 [7 favorites]


When comrade loves a chess player very much...
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 5:26 PM on May 19, 2008 [2 favorites]


This is lowest of the Fark posts ever posted here, not even middle school, grammar school, almost a duty joke.....
posted by caddis at 5:29 PM on May 19, 2008


Bunnytricks, I have never before laughed at a Metafilter comment so hard. Thank you.
posted by adamdschneider at 5:32 PM on May 19, 2008


40+ comments in, and no one's used "helicockter" yet? Well, allow me.

Helicockter.
posted by revmitcz at 5:35 PM on May 19, 2008 [7 favorites]


Words fail me. That is perhaps the perfect prank.
posted by Schlimmbesserung at 5:38 PM on May 19, 2008


Translation (a bit too literal, quickly thrown together):
At the start of the dong flight Kasparov is talking about respect towards one's political opponents and their opinions. After the successful swatting:
Kasparov: "I think we have to be thankful for the opposition's demonstration of the level of discourse we need to anticipate. Also, apparently most of their arguments are located beneath the belt." Someone in the audience: "Finally the political power shows its face!" Kasparov: "Well, if that's its face..." Everyone laughs.
posted by Shusha at 5:41 PM on May 19, 2008 [35 favorites]


Grandmaster Flash?
posted by Jody Tresidder at 5:45 PM on May 19, 2008 [3 favorites]


I bet he just wanted to ignore it and do nothing, as almost any response would make him look foolish, but the dickcopter pilot placed him in zugzwang. Get it? ZugzWANG!!!!!
posted by Falconetti at 5:48 PM on May 19, 2008 [5 favorites]


I think it's time we faced up to the facts: We may actually be in a Robert Anton Wilson novel.
posted by xchmp at 5:48 PM on May 19, 2008 [16 favorites]


I'm looking forward to seeing how the campaign is going to spin this.
posted by mek at 5:59 PM on May 19, 2008


Kasparov spelled sideways is sak vapor!
posted by subgear at 6:00 PM on May 19, 2008


I don't think he wanted to ignore it at all. Everyone is fairly amused and he just takes a moment to come up with a few jokes. One thing that makes me hopeful for Russia is its people unyielding sense of humour.
But I have to say that when I saw "Kasparov" and "breaking news" in one post my heart skipped because I thought it would be news of assassination attempt. Thank the flying penises it was only one of them!
posted by Shusha at 6:01 PM on May 19, 2008


It's a great prank, but I don't get it. What's the critique of Kasparov?
posted by serazin at 6:19 PM on May 19, 2008


There's a "King's bishop to ..." joke in there somewhere, but unfortunately I'm not a chess geek. Anyone?
posted by ZenMasterThis at 6:29 PM on May 19, 2008


Dong threatens King; Knight takes Dong.
posted by optovox at 6:36 PM on May 19, 2008 [3 favorites]


"King's bishop to flying penis"
posted by DoctorFedora at 6:37 PM on May 19, 2008


Thanks for the translation shusha!

I used to know someone who pronounced "helicopter" "helicockter" (in Dutch, but it doesn't make much of a difference for this word). Then again, this was the kid a block down I always used to play doctor with when I was twelve, so there.

Also, is this the point in history where we can finally start referring to the act of forcefully rebuking our more powerful political opponents as "cockswatting"?

Please?
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 6:50 PM on May 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


Cockswat at 0:40
posted by redteam at 6:50 PM on May 19, 2008


I just hope Make Magazine builds one of these in the next issue.
posted by bondcliff at 6:51 PM on May 19, 2008 [4 favorites]


We must not allow a flying dong gap!!
posted by Sailormom at 6:53 PM on May 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


THIS. IS. PARLIAAAA ...ment.
posted by dgaicun at 6:57 PM on May 19, 2008 [2 favorites]


Holy shit, goodnewsfortheinsane and I independently made comments featuring the word "cockswat" during the same minute. I'm utterly cocksmacked.
posted by redteam at 7:05 PM on May 19, 2008


I just hope Make Magazine builds one of these in the next issue.

I want to build one. The only problem is, I'm way too shy to walk into a store and buy a dildo, and I certainly don't want to end up on whatever lists online purveyors of dildos would sell my email address to. Plus, I can't quite tell how one would enable turning left or right. Some sort of rudder attached to the balls?
posted by DecemberBoy at 7:37 PM on May 19, 2008


Metafilter: Some sort of rudder attached to the balls
posted by DecemberBoy at 7:40 PM on May 19, 2008 [3 favorites]


Jefferson's skittering clockwork vagina scans pretty nicely.

In other words, I'm going to be singing it in my head to the tune of "The Irish Washerwoman" for the next three weeks. Thanks a lot.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:57 PM on May 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


I don't think he wanted to ignore it at all.

I agree. I only said that to be able to set up a "zugzwang" joke. How often does one get that chance?
posted by Falconetti at 7:57 PM on May 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


I can't believe that 65 comments down that I had to wade out to the newswires to find out what this was all about, but here it is. In short:

The first meeting on Saturday of a "National Assembly" organized by the Other Russia opposition coalition featured calls for a strong challenge to the current government, while demonstrating much of the disarray that often plagues the Kremlin's opponents ..... Garry Kasparov, one of the leaders of The Other Russia, didn't arrive himself until noon. ..... A couple of pro-Kremlin Young Russia activists added to the commotion at the event by launching plastic phallus on propellers, which were knocked out of the air by security guards.

posted by crapmatic at 8:11 PM on May 19, 2008


oh god. still laughing.
posted by Space Kitty at 8:13 PM on May 19, 2008


At last, a true ROFLcopter.
posted by Krrrlson at 8:40 PM on May 19, 2008 [2 favorites]


Plus, I can't quite tell how one would enable turning left or right. Some sort of rudder attached to the balls?

It appears to be coaxial, so you could turn it by slowing one rotor but not the other.
posted by hjo3 at 8:43 PM on May 19, 2008


Clearly someone wanted to protect him from evil spirits.

This is gonna be funny for a while.
posted by cmyk at 8:49 PM on May 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


Somebody set up Kasparov the dong.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:56 PM on May 19, 2008 [8 favorites]


There are no words for this. Truly, there are not. For think, what could you possibly say to a remote-controlled dildocopter flying through the air during your own press conference?

Even Churchill would have been stumped for response.
posted by Reth_Eldirood at 9:17 PM on May 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


take off every dick - move dick for great justice
posted by pyramid termite at 9:18 PM on May 19, 2008


On a second watch, it's interesting to see the bodyguard who smacked the penis copter go into action. And soon afterwards, he's standing in that same guard position, seemingly re-adjusting his...what? =)
posted by rmmcclay at 12:01 AM on May 20, 2008


Dude in the red shirt is the biggest cockblocker I've ever seen.
-- DaXIthR on Evil Avatar forums
posted by Anything at 1:06 AM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


Grandmaster Flash?

Grandmaster Flush.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 2:02 AM on May 20, 2008


No, wait: Grandmaster Flesh!
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 2:11 AM on May 20, 2008


Dude didn't hit it hard enough to make the candy come out!
posted by jbickers at 3:05 AM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


Sure, it's all fun and games until someone gets his eye put out.
posted by moonbiter at 3:59 AM on May 20, 2008


Is it bad that the first thing I thought of was "clever builder making it coaxial, the tailrotor sticking out of the head would have ruined the effect" ?
posted by Skorgu at 5:24 AM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


I'm just amazed at how stable it was in the air. Who knew that a penis would be so aerodynamically sound.

I can't wait to see this new information incorporated by aircraft engineers world-wide.
posted by quin at 8:32 AM on May 20, 2008


Who knew that a penis would be so aerodynamically sound.

cortex's mom

posted by dersins at 9:06 AM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


In Soviet Russia, you do not fly penis, penis flies you!
posted by jonp72 at 9:53 AM on May 20, 2008


Dude didn't hit it hard enough to make the candy come out!

No, no, no. Rub it, or lick it. Then the candy comes out. ;)
posted by Schlimmbesserung at 11:04 AM on May 20, 2008


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