“Can I give you a tour? It’s non-binding.”

May 23, 2008 8:52 PM

"This might be a weird request, but I just want to cuddle," Nevada Sagebrush columnist Jordan Butler decided to do something for his last column (before graduating college) that he hadn't done before. He decided to solicit a brothel. Here's the catch: he wasn't interested in paying for sex. He just wanted something to write about for his last column. The result is half after school special and half Twilight Zone episode, but it's all funny.
posted by ZachsMind (55 comments total)

I told Toni about Madagascar, but she didn’t know where it was. I started tracing Africa in the air with my finger and said the continent was shaped like a shoe. She disagreed and said it looked like a horse’s head bending down for water. She joined me in drawing Africa with her finger in the air—how silly we must’ve looked!

That's a nicely captured moment.
posted by Bookhouse at 9:00 PM on May 23, 2008

That was unexpectedly poignant.
posted by batmonkey at 9:00 PM on May 23, 2008

Hey, and he got inspected for STDs as an added bonus. Without having to involve an insurance company.
posted by dammitjim at 9:05 PM on May 23, 2008

Not strange or funny, just a real look at life.
posted by Huck500 at 9:06 PM on May 23, 2008

Hell, if an attractive, disease-free woman offered to cuddle with me for $100, there's no way in hell I'd turn her down.
posted by Afroblanco at 9:09 PM on May 23, 2008

Good post, I liked his article.
posted by DMan at 9:15 PM on May 23, 2008

I didn't think it was weird at all. "Toni" was so used to being used as a piece of equipment that she was automatically suspicious of his request, and had several layers of defenses. Once those came down, she realized how starved she was for actual contact that went deeper than the mechanized sex-for-hire. Nice story.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:15 PM on May 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

Huh. I was expecting this to be annoying and awful, but it was sort of sweet.
posted by freshwater_pr0n at 9:18 PM on May 23, 2008

Sounds an awful lot like the "prostitute with a heart of gold" cliche, or the "prostitute who just wants to be loved" variation.
posted by davidmsc at 9:29 PM on May 23, 2008 [2 favorites]

Cliche? Or maybe just another human in need?
posted by Burhanistan at 9:32 PM on May 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

It was like getting a physical at the doctor’s office, except this doctor was probably willing to masturbate in front of me for a certain price.

So you're saying that it's exactly like getting a physical at the doctor's office, then?
posted by Parasite Unseen at 9:35 PM on May 23, 2008 [13 favorites]

Maybe it's a cliche, but I'm sure there are plenty of prostitutes who do just want to be loved. Their profession is like looking at real love and affection in a store window, but never being able to touch it.
posted by louche mustachio at 9:38 PM on May 23, 2008

I asked my prostitute about the United States’ deteriorating economy.

That was really fucking enjoyable in so many ways. Thanks. ZachsMind
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 9:41 PM on May 23, 2008

Nevada Sagebrush columnist

I read that as "Nevada Sagebrush, columnist" the first time and was like "OMG what an awesome name."
posted by hjo3 at 9:43 PM on May 23, 2008 [3 favorites]

Nevada Sagebrush, attorney at law.
posted by Avenger at 9:44 PM on May 23, 2008 [6 favorites]

"Hooker With A Heart Of Gold" from Wikipedia.

Sure, she probably is another "human in need" -- who isn't? And looking at real love & affection but not being able to touch it -- um, seems to me that she chose this occupation. If she wants out, she'll get out.

Hey, I'm not saying that she didn't want to be loved or cuddled, etc. My libertarian instincts have no problem with legal prostitution, but my moral compass says no. In other words -- fine for others, but not for me.
posted by davidmsc at 9:44 PM on May 23, 2008

Oh my god, the white male middle class privilege made me - I would say gag, but double entendre and all that.
posted by bettafish at 9:47 PM on May 23, 2008 [4 favorites]

LOL, the hooker thought he was so special she'd say nice things about him. (Whorehouse, NSFW unless both same.) I'm sure she would have a real orgasm, too, if they'd fucked, but only for him.
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 9:57 PM on May 23, 2008 [3 favorites]

Dis-intimate intimacy is his fetish. She played him and brought in business for her house, what a great advertisement this is. What a clever boy, he even got his friends to pay for his fetish. No wonder he lost his last girlfriend.
posted by Oyéah at 10:05 PM on May 23, 2008

That link is unexpectedly hilarious. I had no idea that the women could leave comments about their customers. Of course everything they say is going to be nice. You're not going to say "OMG his peen was like this: . small!!! And he was fat and ugly too.", are you?
posted by Avenger at 10:10 PM on May 23, 2008

I'm sad for him and her.
posted by empath at 10:13 PM on May 23, 2008

um, seems to me that she chose this occupation. If she wants out, she'll get out.

You officially lose the right to ever complain about your job again, dude.
posted by katillathehun at 10:20 PM on May 23, 2008 [12 favorites]

he may not be the best writer in the world but his column was quite imaginative.
posted by krautland at 10:21 PM on May 23, 2008

Maybe I'm just getting a different read on this than some other people. I liked the "popped collar college boy with a heart of gold" aspect. No doubt, he approached this with the idea that asking to cuddle at a brothel would be OMG hooarz hilarity. And to his surprise, the woman he chose was a real, friendly person, and he let himself relax. Not enough to play Scattergories, but a bit.

If he were a much brighter person, he would have been able to draw Toni out more satisfyingly, and it's a shame that he didn't. If he were a much brighter person, he would have understood that loneliness and yearning to feel loved are part of the human condition, not just something that sex-workers feel.

It's disappointing to think that we're watching this particular dumbass reach the apex of his social consciousness, but at least he got this far.
posted by freshwater_pr0n at 10:22 PM on May 23, 2008 [19 favorites]

My friends and I, in our early 20s, went through a strip club phase for a few months. One of our group, (an intelligent, good looking guy, who had a college degree, decent job, no reason he couldn't find a real girlfriend) got completely obsessed with one of the strippers. We all went together maybe like once a week (or less) and didn't spend a whole lot of money when we were there, but he started going daily, and just dropped hundreds and hundreds of dollars on this girl. He talked about her all the time, she totally had him wrapped up.

One day, we're at his place and he can't stop smiling, and he obviously wants to tell us something.

"What's up, Paul?"

"Dude... I slept with a stripper last night!"

"Woah, that one girl?"

"No, a different one"

"Wow, so she went home with you? How was the sex? Amazing, right? Did you all do some crazy shit?"

"Uh, well.. we didn't actually have sex..."

"You said you slept with her... oh..."

"Yeah, dude, she was tired from dancing when we got home and we just cuddled until we fell asleep."

"That sucks.."

"No, it was cool..."

"So that's it, you just cuddled and then went home in the morning?"

"Well, when I woke up in the morning, there was like this 8 year old kid there."

"Uh..."

"She was like, 'who are you?' and the stripper was like -- 'he's a friend of mommy's'"

"Wow, this is getting wierd..."

"Well, I mean not that wierd, she has kids-- people have kids. I made them breakfast."

"So, you slept with a stripper and then made breakfast for her kids."

"Yeah, this is when it gets a little wierd. Her boyfriend showed up."

"So, THAT'S bad..."

"No, he was totally cool. She does that all the time, I guess. We talked about football and stuff.."

"Okay, so yeah, this is wierd."

"So that's it?"

"Well, they went shopping while I babysat their kids."

"So you paid this chick a shitload of money so you can not have sex with her, cook her food and then babysat her kids? Why are you smiling about it."

"BECAUSE I CAN SAY I SLEPT WITH A STRIPPER!"

He never went to the strip club again after that.
posted by empath at 10:24 PM on May 23, 2008 [44 favorites]

Should send this to The Reverse Cowgirl
posted by jfrancis at 10:29 PM on May 23, 2008

It made me sad when she wanted to play a boardgame and he declined.
posted by mecran01 at 10:49 PM on May 23, 2008 [10 favorites]

I just wanted to say that it's awesome that she had Scattergories in her room.
posted by Lafe at 11:20 PM on May 23, 2008

I call bullshit. Use your last column to fake your death - everyone knows that.
posted by travosaurus at 11:34 PM on May 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

That's really good writing there. It's made to seem goofy and relatively shallow, and manages to bring you a bit deeper without feeling manipulative. I'm impressed.
posted by serazin at 12:05 AM on May 24, 2008 [1 favorite]

You know, empath, that reminds me of a guy I used to know in high school. In freshman year he was quite the dweeb, but by senior year he had found a gothy niche and it seemed to be working for him (I didn't really know him personally.)

A few years later a party I was attending turned out to be hosted by him and his girlfriend, who was a stripper*. I hung out with her for a couple of hours at the party, chatting and drinking and whatnot. Eventually we ended up in her bed, her almost completely unclothed and me mostly clothed, chatting about drugs in the 80s and lips and I can barely remember what else, I was so drunk and exhausted. One of the few details I remember vividly was thinking that if I were a different kind of person I might be hitting on her, or getting this idea that I could claim "I slept with a stripper", or on some level getting keyed up about the whole thing, but that really I just thought she was nice and it was a great party and the bed was really comfortable and that I'd better get up before she and I both fell asleep there.

The other thing I vividly remember was her boyfriend, that gothy guy, eventually wandering in and finding us there, then suggesting that perhaps the three of us could make something happen. Suddenly it went from pleasant to kind of skeevy (I'm open-minded, but I couldn't help picturing him as that dweeby freshman) and I decided I'd better get up now.

I haven't thought about that in a long time, so thanks for the mental jog.

*she wasn't the only stripper I'd met, or would meet and hang out with over the years, even though I have yet to set foot in a strip club. I've never quite understood how paying someone to be naked in front of you was supposed to be exciting; I've always found the idea of it kind of depressing.
posted by davejay at 1:13 AM on May 24, 2008 [1 favorite]

I lost respect for the author when he declined the offer of Scattergories. I mean, really, who doesn't like Scattergories?
posted by Faint of Butt at 3:38 AM on May 24, 2008

I lost respect for the author when he declined the offer of Scattergories

I lost respect for the author when he went in with 20 lousy dollars. What an asshole.
posted by tomcooke at 4:28 AM on May 24, 2008 [2 favorites]

I liked the idea but didn't care much for the execution.

And... "Pedophiles, usually."

I'm betting someone's out of a job when Mustang reads this.
posted by dobbs at 5:55 AM on May 24, 2008

Surprisingly good writing for a pretty obscure college newspaper. Usually these kinds of things are kind of rotten.
posted by decoherence at 6:08 AM on May 24, 2008

It's disappointing to think that we're watching this particular dumbass reach the apex of his social consciousness, but at least he got this far.
posted by voltairemodern at 6:14 AM on May 24, 2008

Scattergories isn't great for just two players - you're looking at four players and up. Plus, maybe he sensed he'd roundly thrash her at it, and didn't want to open up a gulf between them. Far better, I reckon to get five prostitutes together for a game of Scruples.
posted by RokkitNite at 6:43 AM on May 24, 2008 [2 favorites]

Louis Theroux Weird Weekends: "Legal Neveda Brothels" is awesome. He spent a few weeks (months?) hanging out at a Nevada brothel. It's really classic. Used to be online but can't find it now, might be on P2P. The whole series is some of the best comedy ever.
posted by stbalbach at 6:58 AM on May 24, 2008

Scroll to the bottom of this: It looks like they added "cuddle time" to their, uh, menu. Or at least I'm guessing they added it -- otherwise she would have been familiar with the concept, I suppose.
posted by sour cream at 7:28 AM on May 24, 2008

Why wouldn't she like him so much that she just can't let him go: He's ZANY!!

This is a common fantasy of a real good chunk of the customer base for sexual services. A guy wants to believe that all the other men who a women sees are a stomach churning mix of creep. loser, perv and pedo while he alone is more genuine, more authentic. He's special. He could probably save her from this life.

Prostitutes service the man's delusions, whatever they may be. Men who are regulars want to call themselves hobbiests. They think of themselves as gentlemen. They want to know the real woman, want to tell her she's special. Surprise, most of them want more than a brisk rogering. And I'll bet that one day our zany college boy could get talked into at least a handjob to accompany the cuddling. It doesn't have to mean that he thinks of her that way - she'll allow him to believe that he treats her better than all the others.

Seconding the Louis Theroux video: It's a bunch better example of this kind of experiment.
posted by TimTypeZed at 8:18 AM on May 24, 2008 [4 favorites]

I fucking hate Scattergories.
posted by Loto at 8:30 AM on May 24, 2008

When did it become wrong to want to cuddle? When did cuddling go out of style? I'm serious! I mean, the other night, I was making love... to a prostitute. And I get done, and then, she just gets up, like nothing. Just goes right out the door. Right out the car door. I mean, I didnt even get her name, nothing! It's so cold and impersonal. I mean, call me sentimental, but I believe, that when you cum in a woman's hair, there's a bond formed. Ah, I guess I'm the only romantic. - David Cross
posted by porn in the woods at 9:13 AM on May 24, 2008

"ZOMG PROSTITUTES ARE HUMAN BEINGS - FILM AT 11"

Uhh I didn't find this all that touching or sweet. I mean, a column is a column (damn it made me want to bust out my red editing pen though) and you can't fault him for trying to keep it light. But come on now - if the kid is going to go to a brothel and write about it, you might think he could do a little background research into the state of prostitution in Nevada. It could have been a really interesting piece and instead it's just sort of navel-gazing Zach Braff-esque anecdote.

She got 100 bucks to lay in a bed clothed for an hour, I'm sure her idea to play Scattergories is more likely to do with putting him at ease so that he'll come back and pay for more. This is her job, and for him to try to turn it into some touching "we connected as people" story is just ridiculous. I'm sure she gets tons of college-aged boys who come and don't want to do anything right away, so she sets them at ease. She likely thought this kid was just extra shy, and thus, a cash cow as he'd need more visits to get comfortable enough to fuck her. He's funny in that he wanted to just shell out 15 dollars or something and acts surprised when she says no...that's like asking a therapist to just listen to one story about your childhood for 25 bucks. He should have just had sex with her, it's not using her any less to spend an hour with her just to use her as fodder for his column than it is to actually have sex with her.
posted by SassHat at 9:20 AM on May 24, 2008 [5 favorites]

Wow, it's the mirror image of my adolescence!

her (glumly): so, do we have to cuddle now?
me (enthusiastically): no, I just want to fuck you!
her: OK!

(last line made up)
posted by crazylegs at 10:14 AM on May 24, 2008

Oh my god, the white male middle class privilege made me - I would say gag, but double entendre and all that.

Yeah, its always frustrating when young, inexperienced males fling out writing which exposes the fact that they half-understood their university materials, and create immature and cringe-worthy prose.

How I wish undergrads would produce thoughtful and mature prose but such is life...
posted by Deep Dish at 10:15 AM on May 24, 2008

RokkitNite: "Far better, I reckon to get five prostitutes together for a game of Scruples."

Now, I would pay to see that!

Thanks SourCream for finding the Mustang Ranch's website. I didn't even think to do that. Wish I had. It woulda been the perfect thing to link in the original post. I'm kicking myself over here.

The desert menu includes "Cuddle Time - Let it be about you. Let yourself be completely pampered." That's genius marketing. That description completely sells me on the idea, cuz really, cuddle time IS deliciously selfish for BOTH parties.. or at least that's been my experience. I mean that in a good way. It's nine am and you're both still spooning and she hit the snooze and you both know you each gotta be somewhere but you don't wanna move and even though she smells like she could use a shower and a toothbrush and you probably do too, neither one of you care cuz it's nine oh five on a Monday and "--Oh My God this is Monday we gotta get up!"

*splashes water on face*

What was I saying? Uhm.. Anyway. Right. "Cuddling. Let it be all about you." That's just brilliant. Give your clients what they want. If I knew this was on the menu at brothels I might have gone to one in my youth. Four on the floor with dildos and whips and chains? Not exactly my style. A night of cuddling? Definitely my style. I might have shelled out a hundred bucks for that. In my youth. A night of cuddling with her childhood teddy bear annoyingly discovered in the small of my back. A bedroom covered in stuffed animals and weird shaped pillows that at first make me wanna gag but they all smell of her perfume so after awhile I don't care. A night of taking my forefinger and doodling smiley faces on her tummy to make her giggle. A night of cuddling with her showing me some of her drawings, and me criticizing her inconsistent use of perspective and her not getting mad cuz I paid her hundreds (probably thousands by now) of bucks for the privilege. Me waxing ineloquent about random buldada and her hanging on my every word as if they were covered in honey? A game of Scattergories or Uno with some of the other ladies. Maybe strip Uno...

*splashes water on face again*

Yes. I do in fact have a bucket of water next to my computer for just such emergencies. Of course, men who like cuddling could just get a girlfriend. Get married. Settle down. Raise a family. Some of us have done that. Some of us discovered that's way too expensive.

Some nights you just want a night of cuddling without all the baggage. A thousand dollars to spend one night cuddling with a cutie (no strings) is a lot cheaper than a lifetime of occasional cuddling interspersed with seemingly multiple eternities of "have you taken the garbage out yet?" or "but we're only going to visit my parents (again) for a couple of days you can handle that can't you?" Really. This capitalistic cuddling should be a national industry. Maybe if the 'free girlfriends' out there had some real legal competition, they'd think twice before throwing their man's pillow on the couch.

Why isn't this legal? Oh wait. Right. In Reno it IS. That's the point. I wish there'd been a place where it was legal to do this kinda stuff back when I was a columnist for my college's newspaper. The highlight of my stint there was a visit and lecture by Ray Bradbury.

Ah! Check it out! I found a picture of Toni! This is the woman who draws pictures of Woodstock and mountaintop angels. ...huh. For some reason while I was reading the piece I thought she was black. I remember picturing Freema Agyeman playing Toni in my head (If it's written well enough to where I can visualize it in my head like a tv movie, I call that good writing). Maybe that's just cuz I imagine Freema Agyeman to be cuddle-able. Probably had nothing to do with Butler's prose... No wait. It's about a dozen paragraphs down in the column: he said they billed her on the website as a "black beauty" but she's not black? Interesting that at their forum, Toni's page has gotten almost two thousand views, whereas the other pages only average one tenth that. I guess Nevada Sagebrush has helped Mustang and Toni with some free publicity? That wasn't my intent here but now that i think about it...

If any of you gentlemen or ladies choose to frequent Mustang Ranch... well I was gonna say you HAVE to come back here and tell us about it, but that might be cringeworthy. Just tell us you had fun, and say hi to Toni for us. Personally, I'd never make it to Reno, and if I ever did, I'd never have the balls to go to Mustang, and if I ever did, I'd ...probably just ask for a straight lay. I'm such a coward.
posted by ZachsMind at 11:47 AM on May 24, 2008 [6 favorites]

TimTypeZed: "This is a common fantasy of a real good chunk of the customer base for sexual services. A guy wants to believe that all the other men who a women sees are a stomach churning mix of creep. loser, perv and pedo while he alone is more genuine, more authentic. He's special. He could probably save her from this life."

That woulda been me. Had I ever gone to one of those places, I woulda fallen for that scam hook line and sinker. Painted myself the hero in a fantasy where she's the damsel in distress and blah blah blah. Good thing I never went.

The truth is though it is a profession - literally THE oldest profession, and it deserves more respect than society has ever granted it. A woman who chooses that vocation should get more protections under the law. It's looked upon disdainfully and I've never understood why that is.
posted by ZachsMind at 12:05 PM on May 24, 2008 [1 favorite]

Yeah, that didn't read as sweet so much as completely fucking patronizing. "In the end, Toni didn't want me to go, she just wanted loooooooooove." Prostitutes are people? Who want love? Way to go on the revelation, asshole! I wonder if he realizes he's come out of the experience the same way every client of a good sex worker is supposed to come out--thinking that he's "different", and he could be the guy that "saves" her.

I mean, this guy basically went undercover as a journalist in hopes he could extract juicy tidbits from the place. And when he found out vulnerability instead of hilarity, rather than rethinking his premise and sitting on the story until he can find out if it's OK with her, he exposes it for the world to see. There's little difference in pretending to be a homeless alcoholic so you can get the details on the embarrassing backstories on the people in your community and then write an expose. It's creepy, awful, and completely self-serving. What a douche.
posted by schroedinger at 3:56 PM on May 24, 2008 [2 favorites]

God the cynicism in this thread is what's really depressing. Why isn't it possible that she really did enjoy the moment of non-sexual companionship, and the break from the norm that it gave her, AND being good at her job, decided to market that as a regular offering?

Why is it that when the girl that cuts your hair remembers your name and otherwise tries to make you feel like you're a special, valued customer, she's offering personalized, attentive service; but when the prostitute does it, she's being manipulative and deceitful? Yes, everyone here who pointed out that he got suckered: congratulations on being too smart to fall for it. I hope when the person behind the counter that gives you your coffee smiles at you, you tell them to fuck off cus you know they're just trying to get you to come back and buy a bagel too.


Check it out! I found a picture of Toni!...For some reason while I was reading the piece I thought she was black.

She is. She's just fairly light-skinned...?
posted by danny the boy at 10:55 PM on May 24, 2008 [3 favorites]

Here you go. Get your cynic on.
posted by flabdablet at 3:58 AM on May 25, 2008

Maybe it's a cliche, but I'm sure there are plenty of prostitutes who do just want to be loved.

I think everyone, on one level or another, just want to be loved.
posted by slimepuppy at 12:05 PM on May 25, 2008

I've been to a brothel. It was nice. Thank you.
posted by Bageena at 10:26 AM on May 26, 2008

Thanks for the post. For all who harped upon the kids writing, wow, you're cruel. It was a great reflective piece and you got a true sense of who he was and what he realized. It was not "trying" to be one for the ages. Thanks for the post.

Not sure the profession deserves "respect" but, yes, we all want to be loved.
posted by skepticallypleased at 3:27 PM on May 26, 2008

No profession deserves respect. Skilled professionals often do.
posted by flabdablet at 3:41 PM on May 26, 2008 [1 favorite]

They've had cuddling on their menu since at least 2006.
posted by yeti at 1:52 PM on May 27, 2008