Watermelon On Tap

May 28, 2008 3:33 PM

I know what you're thinking: "What if I attached a faucet to a watermelon and filled it with spiked watermelon juice so party guests could serve themselves right from the melon?"
posted by mr_crash_davis (65 comments total)

Okay, everybody, that's it. Close down the patent office--this is the last invention we'll ever need.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 3:37 PM on May 28 [3 favorites]

Best of the web indeed. Thanks for this.
posted by Ludi at 3:38 PM on May 28

Damn. Guess I should make some friends.
posted by Kinbote at 3:39 PM on May 28

Given that one can make cube shaped watermelons, might not a watermelon with a faucet built-in be far off?
posted by ornate insect at 3:43 PM on May 28 [1 favorite]

God, I love the internet so much.
posted by Caduceus at 3:44 PM on May 28 [1 favorite]

Weird, I was thinking exactly that. Except instead of a watermelon, I was planning on using a carrot.

I hadn't really figured out all the logistics yet.

Also: I so want to use this photo somewhere with no context attached.
posted by quin at 3:44 PM on May 28 [5 favorites]

I was ready to be all Jamie Oliver did it before, man! Aside: his method doesn't work too well in my experience, melon not being properly absorbent and thus not soaking up vodka as you would wish.

But no, these guys are serious; they have drills! It's got to be the manliest way to prepare fruit punch I've ever seen.
posted by eponymouse at 3:50 PM on May 28

When it works, it is awesome, the biggest risk you have is a clog forming.
posted by iamabot at 3:54 PM on May 28

Then it's time for spoons!
posted by iamkimiam at 3:56 PM on May 28

Fucking brilliant.
posted by cog_nate at 4:08 PM on May 28

I love it.
posted by blaneyphoto at 4:10 PM on May 28

I wonder if I could take it to class.
posted by a robot made out of meat at 4:14 PM on May 28 [14 favorites]

How would you keep it cold though?
posted by puke & cry at 4:16 PM on May 28 [1 favorite]

I wasn't thinking that before, but I am now.
posted by yhbc at 4:18 PM on May 28

How would you keep it cold though?

Just put ice inside it.
posted by cog_nate at 4:19 PM on May 28

Better yet, put ice inside a freshly washed Nalgene or glass water bottle, then place the bottle inside the watermelon. That way, it won't water down the melon booze slurry.
posted by cog_nate at 4:21 PM on May 28 [1 favorite]

I love posts about art.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:23 PM on May 28 [1 favorite]

When it works, it is awesome, the biggest risk you have is a clog forming.

If you get a large (food-safe) plastic bag to hold the liquid, and make sure the hole in the plastic bag to allow faucet entry is tight around the pipe, you won't get any clogs. That also allows you to pack ice around it (inside the melon) without the ice ultimately diluting the juice.

I have a bit of experience in wacky drink dispensers
posted by davejay at 4:23 PM on May 28 [1 favorite]

Awesome, but he shouldn't be using PVC. A few glasses at a party isn't going to do anything, but regularly drinking fluids that come into contact with PVC isn't very good for you. That's why it's mainly used for drains in the house.
posted by TrialByMedia at 4:24 PM on May 28 [1 favorite]

Bah. How much fun could 1 1/2 cups of Rum provide for a group of people? Not even a pint.
posted by sourwookie at 4:25 PM on May 28

Plus it's only 8 cups of beverage. You need a shit ton more booze and several other melons for refills.
posted by puke & cry at 4:29 PM on May 28

Yeah, sourwookie, that was my thought, too.
posted by jtron at 4:29 PM on May 28

In a dark basement somewhere, someone is photoshopping a steampunk version of this.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 4:32 PM on May 28

Don't jam it in or you'll bruise the outside of the rind and compromise your seal.

Advice applicable to so many of life's potentially wonderful undertakings.
posted by Science! at 4:34 PM on May 28 [29 favorites]

Finally, a use for watermelon.
posted by pompomtom at 4:37 PM on May 28 [1 favorite]

Ideal for lectures!
posted by Artw at 4:40 PM on May 28 [3 favorites]

You know what I'm thinking?

How can this possibly be an improvement on using a BOWL AND A LADLE?

"What if I attached flint directly to the match and then granted it artificial intelligence so it could surmise when you're going to need fire before you know it?"
posted by ZachsMind at 4:44 PM on May 28

Bah. How much fun could 1 1/2 cups of Rum provide for a group of people? Not even a pint.

That's exactly right. However, I believe that's why God put me on this earth. Whenever someone says, "Dude, I figured out a crazy new way to consume booze/weed/whatever," I am there to say, "That's awesome - let's see how much booze/weed/whatever we can consume with it."
posted by Banky_Edwards at 4:47 PM on May 28 [5 favorites]

Banky, you should come over this weekend. I'll get the watermelons.
posted by jtron at 4:49 PM on May 28

In a dark basement somewhere, someone is photoshopping a steampunk version of this.

Steampunk? More like bamboopunk--this clearly calls for a tiki to be carved directly into the melon rind.
posted by arto at 4:49 PM on May 28 [1 favorite]

now i'm trying to figure out how to incorporate a franzia like bag that you can refill. the spout is an easy open/close and the size seems about right.
posted by nadawi at 4:54 PM on May 28

Do not sully the awesomeness of watermelon-with-a-tap with your filthy "steampunk".
posted by Artw at 4:54 PM on May 28 [3 favorites]

i would like to hang out with bank and jtron.
posted by nadawi at 4:55 PM on May 28

bankY (goddamn i gotta read my responses more)
posted by nadawi at 4:55 PM on May 28

When I was in college a bunch of guys did this with a small ball valve with two hose barbs, one on each side of the valve. They just shoved the hose barb right into the melon.

It worked, after a fashion, but I think had clogging issues as well.
posted by Kadin2048 at 4:57 PM on May 28

If you've ever read of the fondness that Harrogate, a character from Cormac McCarthy's novel Suttree, displays in his lust for watermelons, this post may conjure still other more unsavory images.
posted by ornate insect at 5:00 PM on May 28

The good thing about this is after you're drunk, you've also got something to fuck.
posted by turgid dahlia at 5:06 PM on May 28 [3 favorites]

"With a melon?"
posted by Sys Rq at 5:11 PM on May 28 [1 favorite]

Needs more bacon.
posted by FelliniBlank at 5:12 PM on May 28 [1 favorite]

Also: I so want to use this photo somewhere with no context attached.


Looks like something out of Fingers in Food.
posted by danb at 5:28 PM on May 28

I was ready to be all Jamie Oliver did it before, man! Aside: his method doesn't work too well in my experience, melon not being properly absorbent and thus not soaking up vodka as you would wish.


I've seen a variation of this where instead of a funnel, you just stick a long neck alcohol bottle upside-down, in the hole in the top. It would take a few days to soak, still.

I also new a girl whose family made some "dessert" where they soaked blueberries in vodka for several weeks, and then ate them.
posted by stifford at 5:29 PM on May 28

The good thing about this is after you're drunk, you've also got something to fuck.

And then you can turn it into a bong!
posted by louche mustachio at 5:29 PM on May 28

And then you can turn it into a bong!

or a vase
posted by ornate insect at 5:34 PM on May 28

hm. my pals and i did this in high school, 20 years ago.

if the apparatus gets plugged up, you can also just suck or blow really hard to dislodge the goo.

ok, go ahead. make fun of me.

but it sure is fun to blow the goo out, especially when it sprays all over the girls who are standing close-by and they go "aieeeee!"

go ahead, i deserve it.
posted by CitizenD at 5:35 PM on May 28 [1 favorite]

this clearly calls for a tiki to be carved directly into the melon rind

Your wish is my command.
posted by bwg at 5:40 PM on May 28

Heh. CitizenD said "apparatus". Heh heh.
posted by loquacious at 5:44 PM on May 28

TrialByMedia writes "Awesome, but he shouldn't be using PVC. A few glasses at a party isn't going to do anything, but regularly drinking fluids that come into contact with PVC isn't very good for you. That's why it's mainly used for drains in the house."

There are different types of PVC, much of it is acceptable for potable water use. The water in your residence has probably been in a PVC pipe for most of the journey from the treatment plant.
posted by Mitheral at 5:46 PM on May 28

it sure is fun to blow the goo out, especially when it sprays all over the girls who are standing close-by and they go "aieeeee!"

So you're the trench-coated guy who was arrested at the playground.
posted by ornate insect at 5:50 PM on May 28

Now that's a hole for any finger! I miss ze....
Great post BTW......now just to add some lasers and pyro! Watermelon 2.0!
posted by HappyHippo at 5:51 PM on May 28

If you know anybody with a stomach port, just use them! It becomes a fun game of Drink Of Me Faster, Ere I be Poinson'd and Perish!
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 5:54 PM on May 28 [5 favorites]

Things this doesn't work so well with:

Giant block of ice (too solid at first, no pressure; later too liquid, tap will fall out)

Glass waste collection point (glass splinters = danger; will work with specially fitted sieve for delicious free cocktails, recommended)

Other faucets (high risk of recursion)

Jukebox (one might encounter tap dancing)

Single grapes (law of diminishing returns)

Xzibit's hind parts (he will likely tap your ass in retaliation)

Personal lubricant dispenser (upon operation, hands will be too slippery to turn faucet off, causing entire hobby room to be flooded with lube)

Assorted paint cans (Jackson Pollock's estate will sue for plagiarism)

Human ear (will annoy owner, although comedy guaranteed)

Republicans (pointless)

DISCLAIMER: bottle disposal cocktail, while delicious, not actually recommended. Try the brown side.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 6:02 PM on May 28 [11 favorites]

causing entire hobby room to be flooded with lube
Additional Disclaimer: This is not a bad thing.
posted by Science! at 6:08 PM on May 28

What?
posted by disclaimer at 6:24 PM on May 28

Yeah, they're having you cloned. It'll be great. Didn't you know?
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:43 PM on May 28

My kids made a Jack-o-melon for the 4th of July 1999 [self-link pic].
posted by maggieb at 6:55 PM on May 28 [1 favorite]

I like typing stuff!
posted by Dizzy at 7:24 PM on May 28 [2 favorites]

Dizzy, partaking -
on his keyboard in the morn
red sticky rum drool
posted by xorry at 8:44 PM on May 28

Excuse me , is this a line ? I wanna try some Enzyte!
posted by doctorschlock at 10:10 PM on May 28

That's why it's mainly used for drains in the house.

The black plastic pipe often used in drains is cellular core ABS.
posted by ryanrs at 11:32 PM on May 28

How can this possibly be an improvement on using a BOWL AND A LADLE?

It's like you're on a quest to keep finding things I disagree with more, and you're awesome at it.
posted by flaterik at 12:15 AM on May 29 [1 favorite]

The good thing about this is after you're drunk, you've also got something to fuck.

And then you can turn it into a bong!

God, turn it into a bong before you fuck it, please!
posted by h00py at 2:13 AM on May 29 [5 favorites]

A paramedic friend of mine tried injecting vodka into oranges using an extra syringe. I didn't work as well as we had hoped.
posted by Hactar at 4:48 AM on May 29

"Watermelon on Tap" makes me thirsty for some beer. Mmm.
posted by bDiddy at 8:58 AM on May 29

Bah. How much fun could 1 1/2 cups of Rum provide for a group of people? Not even a pint.
i have to admit that I wasn't worried at first 'cause they did write spiked watermelon juice. Bummer, eh?

How can this possibly be an improvement on using a BOWL AND A LADLE?
my eyes want drunk too...
posted by yoHighness at 10:10 AM on May 29

How can this possibly be an improvement on using a BOWL AND A LADLE?

Because it's out of a watermelon.
posted by cdmckay at 7:49 PM on May 29