You've Been Left Behind & I Nailed Your Wife

June 3, 2008 9:06 AM

We all know The Rapture is coming soon (although "no one knows the day or hour"), and many of us will want to send out appropriate taunting messages from our heavenly perch to our loser buddies that didn't get chosen. At last, a service provider has arisen to serve this need. At You've Been Left Behind, you can store up to 250 MB of documents to be sent to up to 62 separate emails addresses in the event of the Rapture. Rapture is determined to have occurred when 3 of the 5 team members fail to log in to the site over a 3 day period.
posted by jonson (146 comments total)

Nobody likes a gloater.
posted by Atom Eyes at 9:09 AM on June 3, 2008 [2 favorites]

Who needs 250MB to say "told you so; don't forget to feed the dog?"
posted by uncleozzy at 9:10 AM on June 3, 2008

This is going to be hilarious when everyone in the office gets Norwalk and is stuck at home on the pooper for a few days. The rapture indeed.
posted by GuyZero at 9:11 AM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

Don't miss the sample letters.
posted by Miko at 9:11 AM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

Hm. So they're betting that at least 60% of their team is Raptured - kind of arrogant odds there.

Also note that their system doesn't do a very good job distinguishing between the Rapture and catastrophic events (eg, large-scale nuclear attack), never mind really bad luck (eg, two team members die and the third's lost in the Australian outback in a wacky mixup involving a Thai ladyboy and a koala).
posted by Tomorrowful at 9:12 AM on June 3, 2008 [4 favorites]

Why not 5? If a single team member is Left Behind, he or she could manually launch, right? Or is the theory that they'd be so bitter they wouldn't do it? In which case, couldn't they sabotage the automated process anyway?

This whole thing is starting to sound implausible. But maybe before I dismiss it as drug-induced raving I should read the source.
posted by DU at 9:14 AM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

I will most certainly not be rapturized when the time comes, and I offer this same service. Merely provide me with all of your friend's email addresses and your own! I will totally not be selling this information to spammers!
posted by smackwich at 9:14 AM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

The signs of the apocalypse: The Four Horsemen and the The Three Failed Logins.
posted by never used baby shoes at 9:15 AM on June 3, 2008 [25 favorites]

Programmed and run by Christians cynical entrepreneurs willing to take $40 a pop from, for Christians
posted by yhbc at 9:15 AM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

It's after the end of the world. Don't you know that yet?
posted by cashman at 9:15 AM on June 3, 2008

err, the.
posted by never used baby shoes at 9:15 AM on June 3, 2008

Q: What do jokes about this concept and teenage boys have in common?





A: They both come too easy.
posted by SaintCynr at 9:16 AM on June 3, 2008 [5 favorites]

lost in the Australian outback in a wacky mixup involving a Thai ladyboy

sounds like rapture to me
posted by me & my monkey at 9:19 AM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

Jokes about teenage boys come too easy?
posted by cortex at 9:20 AM on June 3, 2008 [3 favorites]

If I were doing this, it would be with the intent to prank the smug assholes who think they're going to heaven by releasing their petty nyahnyahs after enough people had signed up. But, then, I already know I'm going to hell.
posted by stavrogin at 9:20 AM on June 3, 2008 [2 favorites]

Don't miss the sample letters.

Wow, this is some seriously psychotic stuff; it really reads like the "world's worst resume."

There are all sorts of Christians running around now insisting that this explanation CANNOT be the correct one because THEY are Left Behind. This may include some very visible Christians, like maybe a Pope or something...

Take that, Papists!
posted by uncleozzy at 9:22 AM on June 3, 2008 [7 favorites]

If you have things to say to people and you don't have the character to tell them until after they can't reach you, you might not be as virtuous as you think.
posted by ardgedee at 9:26 AM on June 3, 2008 [15 favorites]

I would love to buy their customer list. My product is Rapture Loans. The interest rate is high, but with deferments for 15 years it's sure not to affect you. Requires collateral. In the mean (end) time, they can use the money for missions to up their rapture credentials. Win-win!
posted by a robot made out of meat at 9:29 AM on June 3, 2008 [2 favorites]

Not sure if it got posted, but there was an excellent Ian McEwan article on the apocalypse in the Guardian on Saturday. Part 1, 2.

The cast or contents of Revelation in its contemporary representations has all the colourful gaudiness of a children's computer fantasy game - earthquakes and fires, thundering horses and their riders, angels blasting away on trumpets, magic vials, Jezebel, a red dragon and other mythical beasts, and a scarlet woman. Another familiar aspect is the potency of numbers - seven each of seals, heads of beasts, candlesticks, stars, lamps, trumpets, angels and vials; then four riders, four beasts with seven heads, ten horns, ten crowns, four and twenty elders, twelve tribes with twelve thousand members ... and finally, most resonantly, spawning 19 centuries of dark tomfoolery...

But Revelation has endured in an age of technology and scepticism. Not many works of literature, not even the Odyssey of Homer, can boast such wide appeal over such an expanse of time.

posted by TheophileEscargot at 9:32 AM on June 3, 2008 [4 favorites]

Is this in some way related to this?
posted by swordfishtrombones at 9:32 AM on June 3, 2008

Damn. BugMeNot doesn't have any account info.
posted by crickets at 9:36 AM on June 3, 2008

Dear Mefilter,

Shoulda gone with that white background.

Take care!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:37 AM on June 3, 2008 [2 favorites]

To: The People of Earth
From: The Dolphins
Re: The Rapture

So long, and thanks for all the fish.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 9:38 AM on June 3, 2008 [7 favorites]

The most attractive thing about the rapture is all the ninnyhammers and Kirk Camerons who will disappear, and now they want to ruin it by sending me freaking emails from beyond?!

I need to remember to adjust my spam filter to trash this horseshit, just in case.
posted by dirtdirt at 9:39 AM on June 3, 2008 [2 favorites]

This was also discussed at Schneier on Security.
posted by chunking express at 9:40 AM on June 3, 2008

And here I was looking forward to the Rapture so that all those sanctimonious schmucks would finally shut up! I feel robbed.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:40 AM on June 3, 2008

What to Expect After the Rapture

If you've been raptured: Harps. Clouds. Beards.

If you've been left behind: Mad Max action. Fewer churchies around. Beards.
posted by Mister_A at 9:41 AM on June 3, 2008 [8 favorites]

From the comments, worth a look is the Post-Rapture Post. There FAQ is pretty funny.
posted by chunking express at 9:42 AM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

250 MB is a lot of crappy forwards.
posted by graventy at 9:47 AM on June 3, 2008

To: MetaFilter
From: Kirk Cameron
Re: The Rapture

And what does a banana prove, now?
I said, what does a motherfuckin' banana prove, now, bitches? Huh? Huh?

That's right!

Hahahahahhahahahaha

Kirk
posted by dgaicun at 9:48 AM on June 3, 2008 [13 favorites]

I am blown away by the google ads on these pages. "666 = 0x29A =The Mark" Wow. These people decided that they needed to spend money on internet ads about the rapture.
posted by a robot made out of meat at 9:48 AM on June 3, 2008

Dear Metafilter,

Hey. Evidently the Big G has an internet pipe, didn't need that rapture service at all. I'm be pissed, but i'm all raptured now, so I forgive.

It's pretty cool here, the cable stations are incredible! Everyone looks fabulous, though no one can show it off, temptation and all that. Nice view and the food is pretty good.

Jesus is annoying, always wanting thanks 'cause "I died for your sins." Has daddy issues too, but that's not too surprising.

God looks like Alanis Morrissette but he's probably just fucking with us.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:51 AM on June 3, 2008 [6 favorites]

I really don't understand the appeal of a worldview where the rapture story is literally true. If God wants to punish me because I won't apologize for having lots of victimless fun in my body, then fuck Him. He shouldn't have made it so awesome to be alive.

I'm not going to have time to read emails after the Rapture, anyway, between boozing and sexing, so don't bother.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:51 AM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

Building a service like this that would really work is quite a challenge. It's a sort of metaphysical deadman's switch.

If the Rapture comes there's a good chance that the chaos would disrupt your servers and the Internet. You need some folks left on the ground to solve any technical problem, people you know won't be raptured. If I were them, I'd look to hire some reliable, well educated Jews. They'd be like shabbos goyim in reverse.
posted by Nelson at 9:54 AM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

PS, Kirk Cameron isn't here. G claims he 'can't stand the little shit'.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:55 AM on June 3, 2008

Is there a similar service for moms and grandmas that allows them to keep forwarding you daily spam-like unfunny joke lists and uninteresting, long-debunked rumors, in perpetuity after they die?
posted by dgaicun at 9:59 AM on June 3, 2008 [8 favorites]

What happens if you subscribe, set up all kinds of email messages to your good-for-nothing friends who will surely be left behind, and end up getting Left Behind yourself after all?
posted by beagle at 10:00 AM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

Something needs to happen on Metafilter if a significant portion of the mods don't log in with in a certain period. But what?
posted by drezdn at 10:01 AM on June 3, 2008 [2 favorites]

Oooh... dgaicun. I like that idea. How will I live without such wonderfully helpful "facts" as "never walk to your car alone" or "the majority of rapes occur in public restrooms" and, my personal favorite, "Don't smile at strangers" ? I'm sure as soon as I quit receiving these life-changing and immensely helpful e-mails, I will immediately be gang-raped by a dozen men with tattoos and aresenic candies, thrown in a ditch and pissed on for good measure.

Hmm. Maybe we should put together a business model?
posted by TrinaSelwyn at 10:05 AM on June 3, 2008

It will be difficult to get but important to own an uncorrupted Bible, during the Tribulation.... I believe that they (websites with uncorrupted bible downloads) will be among the first sites to be shut down once the Christian free government gets on its feet!

Anyone have any insight into what the hell an uncorrupted Bible is? And I love the paranoid fantasy about a secular government shutting down religious websites. They really just don't understand the whole First Amendment thing, do they?
posted by tula at 10:07 AM on June 3, 2008

Can I make it so that in case of rapture, it comes on MeFi and trolls every thread, plus does me a couple of self-link FPPs?
posted by damehex at 10:09 AM on June 3, 2008

All I know about the rapture I learned from Drawn Together.
posted by a3matrix at 10:09 AM on June 3, 2008

Sticking to the topic at hand, though... I really didn't think this was serious when I started reading it. I still have a tiny bit of hope that it isn't. Sometimes I wish I was still a Christain. That feeling of supremacy would be nice every once in awhile.
posted by TrinaSelwyn at 10:10 AM on June 3, 2008

"Beware the man who offers to bring peace."

That's some bullshit there.
posted by ColdChef at 10:10 AM on June 3, 2008 [2 favorites]

Dear Metafilter:

Don't worry, I'll punch Falwell in the neck for ya.

Jimmythefish.
posted by jimmythefish at 10:12 AM on June 3, 2008

"First you’ll notice that all the children are gone."

Woohoo! It's Permanent Date-Night!
posted by ColdChef at 10:12 AM on June 3, 2008 [3 favorites]

I woke up and they's was gone. All of them. No traffic. No lines at the supermarket. I only got mad when the cable went off.
posted by doctorschlock at 10:15 AM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

Being left behind meant that I was bad. Real bad. I got dibbs on the liquor store.
posted by doctorschlock at 10:16 AM on June 3, 2008

Dibs on Utah.
posted by jimmythefish at 10:19 AM on June 3, 2008 [2 favorites]

Who needs 250MB to say "told you so; don't forget to feed the dog?"

The dogs (and cats, and meerkats, etc.) will be the first (the only?) to go.
posted by inigo2 at 10:23 AM on June 3, 2008

Dear Friends Who are About to be Rapturized,

You know, I never really liked most of you all that much because of your self-righteousness, although some of you are okay. In fact, I guess I'd have to say that I'm really happy that you're gone. It will make things more relaxing down here. Now, if you'd just do me a favor and leave me the access code for your ATM account, that would be pretty cool.

Thanks,

Guy
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 10:24 AM on June 3, 2008

Hey ... at least by using this e-mail system you don't need to stock up on 'Forever Stamps.'
posted by ericb at 10:25 AM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

I always thought the Left Behind series was about some sort of asymmetrical ass fetish.
posted by srboisvert at 10:29 AM on June 3, 2008 [10 favorites]

A lot of the sample letters read like bizarre passive-aggressive revenge fantasies.

Actually, the whole idea of the Rapture seems like a revenge fantasy.
posted by everichon at 10:29 AM on June 3, 2008 [2 favorites]

Defect Report:

Steps to Reproduce:
Pollute the teachings of Jesus Christ with centuries of agenda-based interpretation.

Intended Result:
"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone"

Actual Result:
Pious I-Told-You-So pay service to torment the unsaved.
posted by CynicalKnight at 10:30 AM on June 3, 2008 [6 favorites]

Dear me:

On the one hand, it was pretty funny when you ironically signed up for this damned thing and put yourself on your own recipient list, so, you know: kudos.

On the other hand, I guess this is kind of an egg-on-the-face situation w/r/t biblical literalism. Way to fuck that one up. Just be glad that no one who could call you on it is around to do so.

On the other other hand, free stuff. Hop to it.

Ours in damnation,
You.

P.S. I nailed your wife.
posted by cortex at 10:30 AM on June 3, 2008 [24 favorites]

From RaptureReady.com:

What is the most frequently asked frequently asked question?

There are two ways to answer this question. The most frequently asked question is an introductory one. "Will you answer my question?" Of the questions we list on the FAQ page, the most common types of questions we receive are inquiries about the Antichrist. The FAQ with the most hits each week: "Is the Antichrist already alive on earth?"

Also: I am unmarried and pregnant. Can God ever forgive me?
posted by ColdChef at 10:30 AM on June 3, 2008

You know, during the Victorian era and into the early 20th century, most people thought that the Rapture and Armageddon were going to come after Jesus ruled a millennium of peace on Earth. It was only the total shittiness of WWI that caused Protestants (primarily) to reevaluate their beliefs and turn to a premillennial point of view that the Rapture and Armageddon would happen first, and then Christ would come back.

Though I could be confused, I read about this a while back and now, looking at the Wikipedia article, it seems to be describing them a little differently. Meh.
posted by Caduceus at 10:31 AM on June 3, 2008

Can a person be saved and smoke cigarettes?
posted by ColdChef at 10:33 AM on June 3, 2008

This kind of last-days-sermon-as-scare-tactic was perfected decades ago. In newspaper form.

The Post Rapture Journal.

Self-Link
posted by grabbingsand at 10:33 AM on June 3, 2008

And, of course: Should we really pluck out our Eyes?
posted by ColdChef at 10:34 AM on June 3, 2008

"The cost is $40 for the first year. Re-subscription will be reduced as the number of subscribers increases. Tell your friends about You've Been left behind."

This is fucking priceless.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 10:35 AM on June 3, 2008

PS cortex is here, but he's insufferable.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:41 AM on June 3, 2008

From ColdChef's "I am unmarried" link; He [God] wants to be the fulfillment of all your relationship needs— father, husband and best friend."

All of your relationship needs? This whole Christianity thing is even kinkier than I thought.
posted by The Card Cheat at 10:42 AM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

Rapture means that I don't have to lock the door when I play with myself.
posted by doctorschlock at 10:45 AM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

"Bill, this letter says you're in Heaven."
"Shut up, Mary. Just shut up."
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 10:48 AM on June 3, 2008 [2 favorites]

Theophile Escargot, thanks for posting the Ian McEwan essay--it's awesome.

[The Third Temple] cannot be built, and therefore the Messiah will not come, without the sacrifice of a perfectly unblemished red calf. ...

And so it came about that a cattle-breeding operation emerges in Israel with the help of Texan Christian fundamentalist ranchers to promote the birth of the perfect, unspotted red calf, and thereby, we have to assume, bring the end days a little closer. In 1997 there was great excitement, as well as press mockery, when one promising candidate appeared. Months later, this cherished young cow nicked its rump on a barbed wire fence, causing white hairs to grow at the site of the wound and earning instant disqualification. Another red calf appeared in 2002 to general acclaim, and then again, later disappointment.

posted by russilwvong at 10:49 AM on June 3, 2008

Damn, I was hoping this post was about the band.
posted by iamkimiam at 10:52 AM on June 3, 2008

PS cortex is here, but he's insufferable.

"Hey, God, check it out: I compiled post-Rapture recidivism stats for the last twelve months by Earthly denomination. What do you think, Metatalk it?

"Also, have you ever noticed that denomination is an anagram for 'I, demon nation'? Oh, right. Omniscient. Forgot."
posted by cortex at 10:52 AM on June 3, 2008 [4 favorites]

If cortex ain't in heaven, I don't wanna go.
posted by ColdChef at 11:00 AM on June 3, 2008

If cortex ain't in heaven, I don't wanna go.

He is. Look at his picture. They don't make donuts that size on Earth.
posted by cashman at 11:05 AM on June 3, 2008

This explains what happened to my frigging hard drive: Rapturized!
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 11:11 AM on June 3, 2008

"In the event of rapture, can I date your wife?"
posted by adamrice at 11:12 AM on June 3, 2008

Needs the ability to upload WAVs... namely Nelson going "ha ha!"
posted by chips ahoy at 11:15 AM on June 3, 2008

I'm still stuck on Post-Rapture Event #4 from this letter:

4) Russia and the countries of the Urals along with the Arabs attack Israel

"The countries of the Urals"? Help me, lord! I thought my geography was strong, but Yours is too much for me!
posted by languagehat at 11:16 AM on June 3, 2008

I like that the Internet will still function after the rapture. That's reassuring.
posted by Mental Wimp at 11:19 AM on June 3, 2008 [2 favorites]

So this is a funny thread and all, but it really sends a chill down my spine that actual adult people really do believe this stuff.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 11:20 AM on June 3, 2008

It's so great that this follows the singularity thread. At this point the world would be a lot more screwed if the geeks suddenly vanished than if the devoutly religious did.
posted by mullingitover at 11:20 AM on June 3, 2008 [2 favorites]

I may have missed it in this thread in which case I apologize. But a friend who is a very devout believer in the rapture scenario has informed me that those who will be lifted up will have to leave their clothes behind along with any false teeth or prosthetic limbs, hair pieces, etc. He didn't mention heart of liver transplants but I would assume that these will not be permitted either.

So I expect that it will be quite a show for those of us left behind.
posted by donfactor at 11:22 AM on June 3, 2008 [2 favorites]

"Because date-setting can cause emotional harm to some people, we do not allow date-setting on the message board. A couple of years back, one participant threatened to kill himself after he thought he'd missed the rapture." Link.

We certainly don't have that problem over here.
posted by yeti at 11:23 AM on June 3, 2008

Well, it's safe to imagine that the internet will still run, very few engineers believe. But email is still a cheap ass bastards goodbye letter, only the post-rapture post sends real letters.
posted by jeffburdges at 11:29 AM on June 3, 2008

From the letter languagehat links:

1/3 of the day is without light, and 1/3 of the night is without light.

I thought the whole point of night was the lack of light. Mine eyes have been opened!
posted by never used baby shoes at 11:32 AM on June 3, 2008 [2 favorites]

Dear Dude left behind,

:?P I was a better person than you!!! :?P

Now I'm in heaven and your down there! WAH WAH...

HEY WHAT WAIT A MINUTE!!!! What do you mean smug, better than you messages from the dead are against your will? I don't wanna be send back there?!?!?

THUD!!!

Dude you still having that BBQ next Saturday....

Your friend in Christ,

Mastercheddaar
posted by Mastercheddaar at 11:33 AM on June 3, 2008

dear fish,

enjoy the pants.

quonsar
posted by quonsar at 11:33 AM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

You know, during the Victorian era and into the early 20th century, most people thought that the Rapture and Armageddon were going to come after Jesus ruled a millennium of peace on Earth. It was only the total shittiness of WWI that caused Protestants (primarily) to reevaluate their beliefs and turn to a premillennial point of view that the Rapture and Armageddon would happen first, and then Christ would come back.

For Americans, most of the rethinking happened because of the U.S. Civil War (err, make that "the late unpleasantness"). Popular theology before then envisioned America as a new city on a hill, the new promised land, and saw God's hand at work in the creation of a stable government based on representative democracy. It was widely assumed that things would just keep getting better and better until the world was prepared for Christ to return and rule for 1000 years. (One very popular journal during the 1830's or so in my denomination was called "The Millennial Harbinger"--the authors/editors saw their revival work as ushering in the millennium).

After the Civil War, every major US denomination split into Northern and Southern groups, and the whole dream of all Christians joining together to redeem society and pave the way for the reign of Christ died a sudden death.

That disappointment paved the way for the teachings of John Nelson Darby, popularized in the Scofield Reference Bible (pub. 1909). They introduced America to dispensational pre-millenialism, and with it, the idea of the rapture. The rapture, for all it's popularity today, is a very new idea without precedent in historic Christianity. Of course, the pre-mill view was the opposite of the optimistic post-mill outlook of the early 19th century. It taught that the world would get worse and worse until the great tribulations began and at some point (when exactly was/is a matter of debate) God would rapture the Christians away. WWI and WWII were seen as signs that Earth was starting the big downhill slide, and when Israel was restored as a nation in 1948, that set fundy hearts atwitter with excitement, because all the Biblical prophecies regarding the restoration of Jerusalem could be dusted off and crammed into the new schemata without regard to their original context. (You made detect some subtle editorializing in my account of things.)

The pushback against the pre-mill position is gaining ground in Christian circles, and I suspect in about another 20 years it will be seen as an outdated excess of 20th century fundy theology. The Rapture Exposed, for instance, contains a good critique of Rapture theology and offers a much healthy and historically Christian view. It's not just the atheists who think this stuff is unhinged.

Lots of painting with broad brushes here, of course. It takes a book or three to do a good accounting of all the nuances. But that's the general picture.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 11:35 AM on June 3, 2008 [40 favorites]

You have just received the greatest gift ever given to man. The gift of salvation, and though you have missed the Rapture you have just reserved your spot in heaven.

Man, I had no idea it was that easy. I wonder if there's a continental breakfast?

Christians scare the shite out of me.
posted by TrinaSelwyn at 11:37 AM on June 3, 2008

::Dibs on Utah.

Nope. Mormons are Post-Tribbers not Pre-Tribbers, so they don't believe in this. And Fundys think Mormons are "fake" Christians, like the pope, who would get Left Behind anyway.

More appropriately then, you could say dibs on the South... I hear it's a nice place, sans Southerners.
posted by dgaicun at 11:38 AM on June 3, 2008

Rapture happened 10 years ago and all these Christians just haven't found out yet.
posted by joelf at 11:38 AM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

This is going to be hilarious when everyone in the office gets Norwalk and is stuck at home on the pooper for a few days. The rapture indeed.

I think that one will actually be The Crapture.

the Antichrist proclaims himself to be God, goes into the Temple in Jerusalem, and sacrifices a pig on the alter.

Apocalyptic Bacon... mmmmmm.....
posted by PeterMcDermott at 11:39 AM on June 3, 2008

If Jesus returns tonight, who will feed your pets tomorrow?
posted by joelf at 11:40 AM on June 3, 2008

Let's see, let's just check the old internets here… oh look, all the fundamentalist Christians have spontaneously ascended into the sky. Interesting. What else is in the news today… post-apocalyptic terror and chaos breaking out worldwide, hell on earth yadda yadda… anyone who converts to Christianity is instantly ascending into heaven, mysterious new Antichrist establishing one world government, cool cool…

Wait, what's this? An email forward from my mom? Holy shit, this changes everything!
posted by designbot at 11:41 AM on June 3, 2008

By the way, has anyone played Left Behind: External Forces? Given that the publishers claim to have given away a million copies, surely someone here must have played it?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 11:52 AM on June 3, 2008

Thanks, Pater Altheias. If figured if I threw up my half-baked vague remembrances from a class I took three years ago someone would come along with some actual useful information.
posted by Caduceus at 11:52 AM on June 3, 2008

I can't wait to read all the letters I'm gonna get from one side of my family if someone ever screws up and sends those emails on accident. I better make sure I'm stocked up on popcorn and beer for the big day.

In the meantime, perhaps I should get working on similar program that spams all emails on the list with the content of this Snopes article on March 4, 2009, should Obama win the general election.
posted by Tehanu at 11:53 AM on June 3, 2008

Since I'll still be here after The Rapture, I have humbly volunteered to feed pets and water houseplants in my Rapturee friends' absence.
posted by amyms at 11:55 AM on June 3, 2008

Subject: Vegas this wkend
From: [e-mail]
To: [e-mail]

Yo, Hardcase, can I bring my friend to the Vegas meet-up? His mom was raptured and he wasn't ROLFL! He totally likes to fuck shit up AND he sez he can bring his pet weasel, Franklin.

yr bro Brocktoon

PS Don't tell me, I'll tel you amirite? Lol

PPS When do we get our golden chariots?
posted by Brocktoon at 12:05 PM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

wait, tens of millions will disappear? i thought the rapture was just going to be 144000 people and a lot of disappointed also-rans.
posted by rmd1023 at 12:08 PM on June 3, 2008

There's a bunch of reviews of Left Behind: External Forces. Presumably it won't surprise you to kn ow it was not a well received game. The IGN review specifically complains that the AI is not very good. Kind of a Free Will problem, I guess.
posted by Nelson at 12:10 PM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm disgusted that people actually believe that crap.
posted by mike3k at 12:10 PM on June 3, 2008

This is so obviously a fake. It's obviously a viral campaign for Rapture Ski Resort.
posted by jbickers at 12:13 PM on June 3, 2008

PeterMcDermott: By the way, has anyone played Left Behind: External Forces? Given that the publishers claim to have given away a million copies, surely someone here must have played it?

I've played it. It's not very good. Why do you ask?
posted by demiurge at 12:13 PM on June 3, 2008

This is all moot, as the rapture occurred February 7th, 2007.
posted by Dr-Baa at 12:15 PM on June 3, 2008

Make that February 8th.
posted by Dr-Baa at 12:15 PM on June 3, 2008

drezdn: "Something needs to happen on Metafilter if a significant portion of the mods don't log in with in a certain period. But what?"

Believe it or not, cortex answered that question in MeTa once.
posted by WCityMike at 12:16 PM on June 3, 2008

Is this what Bush meant by No Child Left Behind?
posted by ob at 12:21 PM on June 3, 2008

I can just see the Mefi story on the Rapture now.

OMG, half the people on Earth just disappeared. There's clothing lying everywhere.
posted by Mefite (104 comments total) [add to favorites] [!] 10 users marked this as a favorite

What, no link?
posted by Second Mefite at 2:16 PM at none shall know the date

Flagged as LOLXians.
posted by A Third Mefite at 2:19 PM at none shall know the date

.
posted by A Fourth Mefite at 2:21 PM at none shall know the date

.
posted by A Fifth Mefite at 2:23 PM at none shall know the date

.
posted by A Sixth Mefite at 2:25 PM at none shall know the date

Dubya's probably still around.
posted by A Seventh Mefite at 2:25 PM at none shall know the date

Is this Saturday's Chicago meetup still on?
posted by A Eighth Mefite at 2:25 PM at none shall know the date

Eighth, bring that up on the gray — this isn't the right thread.
posted by A Ninth Mefite at 2:25 PM at none shall know the date

Why does there always have to be a discussion about women without clothing on Mefi? Flagged as sexist.
posted by A Tenth Mefite at 2:25 PM at none shall know the date
posted by WCityMike at 12:23 PM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

July 5, 7:01 am

Dear Pinks,

Okay, sometimes I liked your TV. I won't apologize for that.

But still, when I saw the saucers finally appear and realized that this year must actually be 1998, I was saddened only for a moment. Flaming death from above can't be fun, right? And I realize most of you never realized the importance of sending $30 to some kook talking about sales and shit, because IT SOUNDS SO CRAZY.

And yet, here you are, look at you. Running around in fear as I get to know Pleasure Goddess Clone Four real well. That's not a rack, that's a whole cabinet, amirite? But then, you can't see through all that smoke and haze, and you've got other things on your mind, I'm certain.

So yeah, instant death is here and you thought the whole Jesus thing was the right ticket and now it turns out you're terribly wrong. Schadenfreude tastes pretty sweet to me. But it could be worse -- you could be winging your way to Planet X surrounded by a bunch of idiot Subgeniuses! I'll be envying YOU before too long, I'm sure!

Your pal,

waraw
posted by waraw at 12:27 PM on June 3, 2008 [2 favorites]

(Of course, the above was done better, if in a slightly different theme, here.)
posted by WCityMike at 12:27 PM on June 3, 2008

"The son of god said he would come as a thief in the night; and yet generation after generation of those who claim his lineage seek fervently to prove him a liar."
- C. S. Lewis
posted by koeselitz at 12:27 PM on June 3, 2008 [3 favorites]

I'm preparing for the Rapture, but it's mostly by figuring out which of my fundamentalist relatives and acquaintances have nice electronics.

For example, I'm pretty sure my Southern Baptist cousin who lives fairly near to me has a Wii.
posted by Pope Guilty at 12:29 PM on June 3, 2008

"The son of god said he would come as a thief in the night; and yet generation after generation of those who claim his lineage seek fervently to prove him a liar."

I've noticed, in my years of arguing with Christians, that for some odd reason I seem to have more respect for the Christian God than most Christians.
posted by Pope Guilty at 12:31 PM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

The son of god said he would come as a thief in the night

That was actually just a viral for Thief 4.
posted by cortex at 12:46 PM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

On a related note, www.goodpersontest.com refuses to allow any answers that indicate one hasn't done bad things. Christ, what assholes.
posted by waraw at 12:55 PM on June 3, 2008

In the sub-basement of what was once an industrial park, the server continued asking questions to the void. The network was long-gone--the ethernet cables vaporized right where they emerged to the surface--but this didn't stop the server. It had a queue.
posted by anthill at 1:04 PM on June 3, 2008

I have an idea, but it's kind of mean spirited; I think we should get the press to all announce on the same day that the Rapture has occurred. They could point to the 120,000 or so people that are currently missing in the United States as proof that the sweeping up into Heaven has already taken place.

This could lead to some awesome conversations around work the next day:

"So, Dan... I see the Rapture came and went, weren't you supposed to be in on that?"

"Shut up, Steve. You're an asshole"

"Yeah, language like that's probably what got you stuck down here with the rest of us. Oh well, at least you don't have to find someone to watch your dog... Oooh, sorry about that, I forgot that he ran away. Oh well, look at the bright side, maybe he got Raptured too."

"I hate you."
posted by quin at 1:40 PM on June 3, 2008 [6 favorites]

Quick question: If the end of the world is imminent, and Obama really is the One-World Red-Dragon anti-Christ, would that make voting against him a violation of God's will?
posted by Avenger at 1:52 PM on June 3, 2008

This is actually an enormously practical service:

"You will also be able to give them some help in living out their remaining time. In the encrypted portion of your account you can give them access to your banking, brokerage, hidden valuables, and powers of attorneys' (you won't be needing them any more, and the gift will drive home the message of love). There won't be any bodies, so probate court will take 7 years to clear your assets to your next of Kin. 7 years of course is all the time that will be left. So, basically the Government of the AntiChrist gets your stuff, unless you make it available in another way."

That's some death tax, right there.
posted by availablelight at 1:59 PM on June 3, 2008

>>> That was actually just a viral for Thief 4.

Damn you, sir. For a split-second, you got my hopes up.

Taffer.
posted by grabbingsand at 2:01 PM on June 3, 2008

the Government of the AntiChrist


REDUNDANT AMIRITE?!?!? WOOO RON PAUL 08!!!!!!!!!!!
posted by jonson at 2:02 PM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

... of course, there is a Deus Ex 3 in the works.

I know, I know, "Stop derailin' the Kingdom Come thread" ...
posted by grabbingsand at 2:04 PM on June 3, 2008

For all those wondering about pets, don't worry. Since pets, especially dogs and cats are the minions of Satan and a means to demon posession, pet owners will rot in hell. But hey, at least we know those kitties and puppies will be fed and loved until the eternal hellfire comes.
posted by Pollomacho at 2:05 PM on June 3, 2008

So this means that half of Metafilter is going to be left after the rapture...hows bout a meet-up
in Detroit? I'll bring the dip.
posted by doctorschlock at 2:27 PM on June 3, 2008

Those of us left behind will eat the pets. Yeah, EAT THE PETS!
posted by doctorschlock at 2:28 PM on June 3, 2008

So I was reading through this thread and all I could think about was The Rapture. (The band, not the crazy religious concept.) And then that led me to think about LCD Soundsystem, to whom I now owe an apology for the following.

Yeah, I'm losing my edge.
I'm losing my edge.
The kids are coming up, laughing at those Left Behind.
I'm losing my edge.
I'm losing my edge to Tim LaHaye and the kids from Colorado Springs.
But I was there.

I was there in AD 33.
I was there at the first crucifiction, on Calvary.
I'm losing my edge.
I'm losing my edge to the preachers whose sermons I see when they get on the tube.
I'm losing my edge to the Internet seekers, who can tell me every member of every good sect, from 862 to 1823.
I'm losing my edge.

To all the kids in Bethlehem and Jerusalem.
I'm losing my edge to the new-school Canaanites, in little jackets and borrowed nostalgia for the unremembered fertile crescent.

But I'm losing my edge.
I'm losing my edge, but I was there.
I was there.
But I was there.

I'm losing my edge.
I'm losing my edge.
I can see the sermons every night on the tube.
But I was there.
I was there in AD 56 for the first of Paul's epistles in a town in Macedonia.
I was working on the resurrection of the dead, with much patience.
I was there when Paul started up his first church in Rome.
I told him, "Don't do it that way. You'll never make a dime."
I was there.
I was the first guy preaching reformation to the Catholic kids.
I preached it at Wittenburg.
Everybody thought I was crazy.
We all know.
I was there.
I was there.
I've never been wrong.

I used to work in the local church.
I knew John Nelson Darby before anyone.
I was there in the First Congregational Church, Dallas with Cyrus I. Scofield.
I was there in Lynchburg during the founding of the Thomas Road Baptist Church.
I woke up naked in a bed with Jimmy Swaggart in 1988.

But I'm losing my edge to better-managed people with better PR but less talent.
And they're actually really, really snide.

I'm losing my edge.

I heard you have a compilation of every good sermon ever done by anybody. Every great rant by Fred Phelps. All the underground hits. All the Jack Chick tracts. I heard you have a fading copy of every Gene Scott broadcast on Herzog import. I heard that you have a white xerox of every seminal LaHaye Detroit hit - from 1995, '96, '97. I heard that you have a CD compilation of every good '60s Falwell outburst and another box set from the '70s.

I hear you're buying a computer and an internet connection and are throwing your photocopier out the window because you want to make something real. You want to make a Comic Sans Bible.

I hear that you and your congregation have sold your churches and bought server space.
I hear that you and your congregation have sold your server space and bought churches.

I hear everybody that you know is more Rapture-Ready than everybody that I know.

But have you seen my videos? Ted Haggard, Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker, Pat Robertson, Bob Jones Sr., Ralph Reed Jr., Oral Roberts, Tim LaHaye, Jerry B Jenkins, Russell D Moore, James Dobson, James Dobson, James Dobson

You don't know what you really want.
posted by Len at 2:39 PM on June 3, 2008 [3 favorites]

This is going to be hilarious when there's some server hiccup and everyone gets these little angry letters from the yet to be Raptured. Comedy friggin gold.
posted by damn dirty ape at 2:39 PM on June 3, 2008 [2 favorites]

I just want to state that I am a fan of the word raptured and can not wait for it to be a part of daily watercooler talk.

"Where's Sharon from accounting?"
"Oh, she got raptured."
"Well, shit."
posted by slimepuppy at 2:51 PM on June 3, 2008 [6 favorites]

This is the best justification for a (D)DOS attack ever. If you can keep their remote logins down for three days, pure excellence will flow.
posted by a robot made out of meat at 2:52 PM on June 3, 2008 [3 favorites]

Hey Boss. I'm going to be late for work. I'm getting raptured.
posted by doctorschlock at 2:57 PM on June 3, 2008

Ditto what WaRaw said.

That and this: when John wrote the book of Revelations, he was expecting the Second Coming to happen in his lifetime. John was describing the fall of Rome. The anti-Christ was Nero. The thousand years of heaven on Earth he predicted are what we now refer to as The Dark Ages, where the known world was ruled over by the Roman Catholic Church. The "rapture" if one is to interpret John that literally, already happened, and none of us were even born when it did.

So in other words, you're ALL wrong.

*laughs maniacally*
posted by ZachsMind at 3:13 PM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

"told you so; don't forget to feed the dog?"

All dogs go to Heaven.

Yes, even the ones that pee on your favourite rug.
posted by bwg at 3:36 PM on June 3, 2008

"But... but... Mr. J, I was a good person, why am I not being raptured?"

"Sorry, no fat chicks."
posted by qvantamon at 3:55 PM on June 3, 2008

Yes, even the ones that pee on your favourite rug.

But dude, that rug really tied the room together.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 4:12 PM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

The rapture probably looks something like this for those left behind.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:07 PM on June 3, 2008

Rap? Sure!
posted by jaronson at 5:29 PM on June 3, 2008

> The rapture probably looks something like this for those left behind.

God damn it! Near-perfect record ruined ... we really need a "rickroll" flag.
posted by WCityMike at 6:01 PM on June 3, 2008

Wait... Anna Nicole Smith is DEAD?!?!
posted by swell at 6:09 PM on June 3, 2008

The best things about the coming rapture: hunting down tv preachers who try to hide, and the ensuing era of world peace.
posted by troybob at 6:12 PM on June 3, 2008

I would argue that it is NOT a "rickroll", WCM. I think that is probably what the post-rapture world will be like. A lot of big empty rooms, dorky guys thinking it's finally their chance to get with the chicks, etc, etc.
posted by Meatbomb at 6:25 PM on June 3, 2008

"You will also be able to give them some help in living out their remaining time. In the encrypted portion of your account you can give them access to your banking, brokerage, hidden valuables, and powers of attorneys' (you won't be needing them any more, and the gift will drive home the message of love).

I wondered why Schneier was worried about this site getting hacked (I mean besides the pure fun of it all). Now I see.

My earlier theory was that terrorists might hack the site and then dump all the vitriolic self-righteousness they acquired into the city's water supply.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 6:48 PM on June 3, 2008

Rapture is determined to have occurred when 3 of the 5 team members fail to log in to the site over a 3 day period.

Who knew "rapture" could be so easily confused with "dude! I got busy and spaced it, man!"
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 7:11 PM on June 3, 2008

Under the"Why" link:

So, basically the Government of the AntiChrist gets your stuff, unless you make it available in another way. You can also send information based on scripture as to what will happen next. Each fulfilled prophecy will cause your letter and plea to be remembered and a decision to be made.

"WHY" is one last chance to bring them to Christ and snatch them from the flames!

Is it me, or does this site look like an elaborate hoax? There seems to be a high level of smirk lurking just below the copy. If the site is indeed a completely disengeneous hoax, should I feel badly that some people might be investing in this particular hoax, rather than the hoax they think they are investing in?

Head metasplodes
posted by stagewhisper at 8:35 PM on June 3, 2008

Concerning the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ and our being gathered to him, we ask you, brothers, not to become easily unsettled or alarmed by some prophecy, report or letter supposed to have come from us, saying that the day of the Lord has already come.

The Apostle Paul (2 Thess 2:1-2)
posted by Pater Aletheias at 9:14 PM on June 3, 2008

Well, that's pretty stupid.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 11:09 PM on June 3, 2008

Pope Guilty: "preparing for the Rapture... by figuring out which of my fundamentalist relatives and acquaintances have nice electronics."

I don't want to hear ever again about greedy corporations or crooked politicians. You people just showed that you're willing to turn a blind eye when it is to your benefit. How does that make you any different from those you rail against?

Well, I guess you'll have cameras.
posted by lostburner at 8:46 AM on June 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

You're Still Here
posted by Variablizer at 2:48 PM on June 4, 2008

I don't want to hear ever again about greedy corporations or crooked politicians. You people just showed that you're willing to turn a blind eye when it is to your benefit. How does that make you any different from those you rail against?

I don't get it.
posted by Pope Guilty at 7:15 PM on June 4, 2008