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June 13, 2008 3:34 AM   Subscribe


 
When I went through decades of bullshit to be given the great secrets of OTO sex magick and they played me this, I was fucking pissed.
posted by bunnytricks at 3:42 AM on June 13, 2008 [5 favorites]


Needs a Cheetos tag.

And seriously, wtf?
posted by bwg at 3:48 AM on June 13, 2008


Cat scratch fever.
posted by three blind mice at 3:59 AM on June 13, 2008


I liked the purple socks.
posted by Xurando at 3:59 AM on June 13, 2008


if this is best of the web, i should have my application for sainthood reexamined.
posted by msconduct at 4:04 AM on June 13, 2008


Um. Thank you, Internet.
posted by greenie2600 at 4:12 AM on June 13, 2008


UNSUBSCRIBE
posted by DU at 4:19 AM on June 13, 2008


Man, Fark's got this awesome new skin that makes it look exactly like Metafilter.
posted by jbickers at 4:20 AM on June 13, 2008 [7 favorites]


Missing tag: Rule #34
posted by chillmost at 4:21 AM on June 13, 2008 [1 favorite]


Seriously, this makes me want to uninstall the Internet.
posted by chillmost at 4:23 AM on June 13, 2008 [1 favorite]


I am now way too traumatized for a Friday morning at 7:30am.

Serves me right for floating in the Intertubes when I should be working.
posted by scblackman at 4:26 AM on June 13, 2008


Q: What are you going to do with all those Cheetos?
A: Fuck 'em and Eat 'em.
posted by Jofus at 4:34 AM on June 13, 2008 [1 favorite]


After reading the video description, I think this is some kind of comment on advertising and Faceless Corporate Greed(tm) or something. Ordinarily, I'd think something like this was pretty lame, but this works somehow. It doesn't take itself anywhere near as seriously as, say, Adbusters. Watching a grown man fuck a pillar made of Cheetos makes the point far better than listening to some college student shrieking about 9/11 conspiracy theories.

Or maybe I'm mistaken, and sometimes a grown man fucking a pillar made of Cheetos is just a grown man fucking a pillar made of Cheetos.

Also, fuck Cheetos. That shit isn't food.
posted by greenie2600 at 4:34 AM on June 13, 2008 [3 favorites]


Yesterday, usenet. Today, youtube.
posted by Dave Faris at 4:36 AM on June 13, 2008


I am now way too traumatized for a Friday morning at 7:30am.

I am just about the correct amount of traumatised for Friday afternoon at 13:45. I needed an excuse to drink myself stupid, so, y'know, thanks loq.
posted by slimepuppy at 4:46 AM on June 13, 2008


I always thought you had longer hair, loq.
posted by Dizzy at 4:47 AM on June 13, 2008 [4 favorites]


Wouldn't it make more sense if the Cheetos were fucking him?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:47 AM on June 13, 2008


Watching that, all I could think of was all the places orange cheese powder was ending up where orange cheese powder should never be.
posted by jocelmeow at 4:48 AM on June 13, 2008 [2 favorites]


Cheetos are big in Japan. They have strawberry coated ones there.
posted by jeremias at 4:55 AM on June 13, 2008


I watched the first four seconds, then frantically closed the window assuming the video was exactly what it looked like. Apologies if I was wrong. I don't think I was.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 5:00 AM on June 13, 2008 [1 favorite]


No thanks.
posted by alona at 5:01 AM on June 13, 2008


If you think about it, Cheetos are a bit abrasive... Using powdered cheetos as the final step before that coat of wax on a new paint job on your car would probably leave a nice finish..

that said... ouch...

that said.... wtf
posted by HuronBob at 5:01 AM on June 13, 2008


I like this trend of making viral anti-commercials, designed to target a competitor's brand and make it totally unappealing. This was the best Pringles commercial I've ever seen.
posted by avoision at 5:03 AM on June 13, 2008 [1 favorite]


I knew from the comments not to click, yet for some reason I did it anyway. Now I wish I hadn't. Good god.
posted by sveskemus at 5:11 AM on June 13, 2008


I was sort of disappointed. What? 8 minutes of dry-humping a pillar of cheetos® brand snacks?

Ok weird, but after a while it's clear he's just cock-teasing those cheetos.

A real artist would have dropped trou and f_ed the hell out of that tower of snack and then photographed his scraped, orange dusted genitals, and hung the prints in a gallery for critical review and sale.
posted by device55 at 5:17 AM on June 13, 2008 [2 favorites]


an old man goes to the doctor and complains that his penis has turned orange. the doctor asks several questions about his lifestyle and then questions him about his work. the old man says, doc, i'm retired. all i do is sit around, eat cheetos and watch porn movies.
posted by kitchenrat at 5:31 AM on June 13, 2008


"So what'd you do last night?"

"Not much. Had some beers and got Frito-Layd."
posted by FelliniBlank at 5:35 AM on June 13, 2008 [7 favorites]


Is it wrong that my first thought was he's not sufficiently... aroused?
He's Just Not That Into You™, Cheetos.
posted by naju at 5:51 AM on June 13, 2008 [3 favorites]


... Annnnnnd scene.
posted by Debaser626 at 5:57 AM on June 13, 2008


hm. never eating those again.
posted by fuzzypantalones at 6:02 AM on June 13, 2008 [1 favorite]


This seems like as good a place as any to say that I actually enjoy the new Cheetos commercials. They're actually fairly clever, especially this one (check out the look on the flight attendant's face as Chester massages her shoulders) and this one, featuring the lovely Felicia Day.
posted by EarBucket at 6:03 AM on June 13, 2008


Is it wrong that my first thought was he's not sufficiently... aroused?
He's Just Not That Into You™, Cheetos.


My thought exactly. They may still have a deep spiritual bond and a commitment to staying together for the kids, but the passion is dead.
posted by FelliniBlank at 6:18 AM on June 13, 2008 [1 favorite]


I didn't much care for this, but it did lead directly to my pathetic ex-boyfriend which has to be fake but made me laugh nonetheless.
posted by dobbs at 6:26 AM on June 13, 2008 [1 favorite]


Loved the modesty of "as good a place as any" EarBucket!

(those were very good indeed.)
posted by Jody Tresidder at 6:27 AM on June 13, 2008


Ten minutes later and I still have "I love you Cheetos..." over meandering synth echoing in my head.
posted by loiseau at 6:28 AM on June 13, 2008 [1 favorite]


I like Flamin' Hot Cheetos so much that I'd like to make love to a full-size one.
posted by autodidact at 6:38 AM on June 13, 2008


I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT WAS, BUT I'M IN LOVE
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 6:42 AM on June 13, 2008


I really need to start reading the comments before clicking links. wtf.
posted by xbonesgt at 6:49 AM on June 13, 2008


http://cheeto.ytmnd.com/
posted by erniepan at 6:52 AM on June 13, 2008


The laundry one was OK, but the plane ad was just weird. Why is he massaging that woman? WHAT HAS SHE BEEN DOING WITH THAT CARTOON TIGER?? And who wants to buy a "food" that's best used for plugging a fat man's nostrils?
posted by DU at 6:53 AM on June 13, 2008


Does anyone else feel like they were being mocked?
posted by boy detective at 6:53 AM on June 13, 2008 [1 favorite]


Not a big fan of SLYTs, and this one reminded me why.
fyi: THIS IS NOT FARK
posted by Vindaloo at 7:02 AM on June 13, 2008 [1 favorite]


8+ minutes and no money shot? I feel cheeted.
posted by googly at 7:04 AM on June 13, 2008 [3 favorites]


NSFW tag, anyone?
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 7:15 AM on June 13, 2008


"NSFW tag, anyone?"

God yes!

I'm beginning to think that a higher-than-usual number of MeFi posters forget that on Fridays, for some reason. (Either that or they just assume that even on our coffee breaks, no one is ever going to browse the site from an office desk. Fortunately, I got a quick glimpse of the callout box on the right, opened the "For more information" link while the video was still loading and nipped its onscreen appearance right in the bud.)

So here's the message, people: ASSUME SOME OF US WORK FOR PURITANS!!! (In my case, "Government of Canada" in the present regime is actually not too far off.)

Further assume that some of us actually welcome the opportunity to take a quick diversionary break and put something other than (DOUBLE PLUS SECRET) on our screens while co-workers wander off to Tim Horton's. Further assume, too, that we do not actually take our desktop computers with us out the door.

And put a damned NSFW tag on it! Even if it's SFW in your job at the latex pajama factory, it ain't at mine. OK?
posted by Mike D at 7:41 AM on June 13, 2008 [1 favorite]


Whoops.

I watched it too long and found myself wondering if the mega-cheeto was male or female. Looks like my Friday the 13th is off to a roaring good start.
posted by bkeene12 at 7:50 AM on June 13, 2008


The Cheetos guy is the same guy that's in the pathetic ex-boyfriend video in Dobbs's comment above, right?
posted by nosila at 8:19 AM on June 13, 2008


Performance Art all up in this post.
posted by rusty at 8:21 AM on June 13, 2008


In all seriousness, the most disturbing part of this video was the lack of commitment to the cause. The guy's wearing a bag on his head...why? The mimed Cheeto blowjob -- mimed? You couldn't do better than mimed from about a foot away, in a video involving an edible product? Then, right at the blowjob's end, he goes up to give a kiss, hesitatingly goes back to the blowjob, goes back up haltingly...you don't even have the integrity to make an edit or do a recut?

The guy decided to try to do an internet meme. OK. He decided to go surrealistic. OK. He made a giant Cheeto out of Cheetos. Intriguing, OK. He decided his plot would involve him making love to the Cheeto. Now we're getting somewhere. Cheetos are an intriguing alien object, cold, sharp-flavored and dusty; sex is warm, liquid, and sweaty; great, we've got sufficient difference to be really surrealistic and challenge the viewer.

Now he decided to wear a thong, green paper bag on his head, and purple socks. Wait, those aren't artistic decisions -- those are ironic decisions. Those are giving up and making fun of the premise before it's even moving. He goes from Tron Guy (committed) and Sweater Girl (committed) and Bug Sex (committed) to a mess of different conflicting issues. He's killed the interesting 'sex' part of the premise, because we laugh at people who have sex with purple socks and inappropriate black thongs on, much less green paper bags on their heads. If this thing is going to work, the laugh has to come from being unsettled, not from Gong Show Unknown Comedian stylings.

Now he unwraps and starts caressing the giant Cheeto. Good idea, but his acting's wooden. You don't get a sense that he's really into this, which is key to getting the 'sex' part of the premise rolling. His body language is ironic. He's not supposed be ironic, we are. The camera is fixed, distant, like a security camera recording a crime. Which it is.

And then we get to the blowjob. Tediously assembled, with a bad zoom, mimed from a distance. This is where I want to see Matthew Barney come in from the side of the camera, off the top rope, and brain this guy with a chair. Oh shit, there's his manager, Bjork, except, what's this? Her legs have been sawn off at the femur, and in their places are four stilts -- red, black, yellow and green -- attached to each leg, so that as she moves they scuttle, like the eight legs of a spider. She undoes her kimono to reveal a black widow tattoo; the eyes of the spider are precious gems that have been embedded in her flesh. They pulse with hidden light as she begins to hum a low note.

Matthew Barney grabs the mask off the actor. The lighting slowly decays until there are just three hard, cold spotlights stabbing down from the ceiling -- one on Bjork, who has her back to the Cheeto, one on the actor, one on Matthew Barney.

Matthew Barney cradles the actor's ironically-bearded face in one hand, turns it back and forth disinterestedly, judging as one might judge a horse. He smiles and we see a hint of something gelatinous oozing between his teeth. Suddenly he turns and vomits on the Cheeto, a weird Jello-like green substance which begins to sizzle and smoke.

The actor begins crying and the spider-Bjork tilts her head and keens with pleasure. Matthew Barney looks back as you hear a far door slamming -- the cameraman has crapped himself and bailed. Matthew Barney pulls the actor by the chin closer to him, cradles him like a baby, and grips him in a bear hug.

Then, in American Sign Language, he motions to Bjork for the Cheeto.
posted by felix at 8:29 AM on June 13, 2008 [13 favorites]


PepsiWhy
posted by TwelveTwo at 8:36 AM on June 13, 2008


Shit Sandwich. With side of, well, you know.
posted by dbiedny at 8:45 AM on June 13, 2008


When the telecoms turn the internet into a multi-tiered setup, we're going to lament wasting our bandwidth on trite like this.
posted by hellojed at 8:49 AM on June 13, 2008


Nght after night, same old thing
posted by ElvisJesus at 9:12 AM on June 13, 2008


You can almost hear that guy's inner war with his conscience over the music. Each movement seems to drip with embarrassment and hesitation.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:16 AM on June 13, 2008


Cheetos aren't even all that great. Now, those Planters Cheeze Balls they used to make - them was good eatin'.

...and would likely have inspired a completely different, but no less disturbing, video.
posted by anthom at 9:22 AM on June 13, 2008


If I was that cheeto, I would be so pissed.
posted by joannemerriam at 9:51 AM on June 13, 2008


The State did it better... with $240 worth of pudding. (Awww yeah!)
posted by Ljubljana at 9:53 AM on June 13, 2008 [2 favorites]


I LOVE YOU CHEETOS

[Cue Elvis: "Ooh to ye!"]
The Voice You Lose: "Oh, elusive coyote."
Evil House Coyote: "Eyes vouch, lie too."
The Voice You Lose: "Eh, too coy, elusive. "
Evil House Coyote: "Tee-ho, lousy voice!"
The Voice You Lose: "Ouch, vile eye soot!"
[Cue yeti love oohs.]
Evil House Coyote: "Ooh, I love cut eyes."
posted by pracowity at 9:56 AM on June 13, 2008


A real artist would have gone through and done several of the more challenging pieces depicted in the Kama Sutra, had a better soundtrack; I'm think the endless mewling of kittens combined with water running and the sounds of a car going over rumble-strips on the interstate.

And then it would have faded to black with the title card: Fin.

This? This is just some guy dry-fucking a giant Cheeto. This isn't even soft core, it's basic cable snack food porn.

I'm not impressed.
posted by quin at 9:59 AM on June 13, 2008


That would have been awesome if it were about 5 seconds long. It would have been one of those "what the fuck was that" images. But at almost 10 minutes? There's only so much you can do to a cheeto - I'd have eaten the entire thing in 10 minutes.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:27 AM on June 13, 2008


The orange background on the guy's user page is a nice touch.
posted by Potsy at 11:01 AM on June 13, 2008


fyi: THIS IS NOT FARK

A rule 34 admission: I recieve intense sexual gratification from newer users telling me that MetaFilter isn't Fark or otherwise telling me how to suck eggs. Thank you, may I have another?

So here's the message, people: ASSUME SOME OF US WORK FOR PURITANS!!! (In my case, "Government of Canada" in the present regime is actually not too far off.) ... And put a damned NSFW tag on it! Even if it's SFW in your job at the latex pajama factory, it ain't at mine. OK?

You should assume that some of us don't actually care where you work, and that some of us think you should take more personal responsibility for what you decide to do while you're at work - especially if you think you work for puritans. There is nothing inherently not safe for work about this. It could very well be a commercial advertisement made for broadcast.

You should further assume that some of us do not wish to self-censor for the comfort of you or your employers, and that some of us believe that this is a slippery slope rife with hypocrisy and dangerous catagorizations that will leave the rest of the world or internet sanitized for your protection - and our miserable boredom.

But really, if you or your work cares about it you shouldn't be viewing youtube at all while on the company network - and MetaFilter itself would be questionable as well. I speak this to you as an IT worker. If I were in your office, and if it was my contractual obligation to make sure that office was a puritan wasteland, I'd have a small script that would notify me who was using what spurious resources, upon which as a hypothetical IT manager I would probably be more annoyed with the time you spent typing your complaint then the link itself. (But since I have some funny ideas about ideals I wouldn't ever accept such an obligation, and I probably wouldn't work in that office. The same way I stand up and walk out on IT or creative technology interviews that want to drug test it's employees.)

In fact it's more work safe than about half of the fucking nunshitting comments I make in which I swear like a pig-fucked pirate with a bad case of Tourette's and an infected fucking hangnail being repeatedly smashed with a goddamned rusty fuckstick of a hammer. Heck, the link is probably more worksafe than your own comment about latex pajamas. Which is to say - this is high absurdism, sir. Your head appears to have been gnawed off at the shoulders by a distant cousin of the Bandersnatch known as the Panopticon.

Further, by reading the text of this comment, you've consented to intense psycholinguistic sex acts of the most depraved sort with the text itself. Watch out for the letters "x" and "t" as they're insatiable, yet pointy. They chafe something fierce. I recommend you wrap them in clingfilm and Cheetos before committing to penetrative acts while singing Roy Orbison songs and prancing about in latex pajamas. Now, to begin you should activate your webcam and start by kissing your keyboard and carressing it passionately. The rest should come naturally.
posted by loquacious at 12:35 PM on June 13, 2008 [2 favorites]


The guy's wearing a bag on his head...why?

The color of the bag makes it easier to pull a key, composite cortex's face over his, and forward the video to cortex's mom.

I assume.
posted by dersins at 12:48 PM on June 13, 2008


NSFW : Let's Lose the Ambiguity. "It's time to retire the NSFW acronym and associated phrases. I've simply seen far too many electrons sacrificed in long, pointless arguments about what 'not safe for work' means."
posted by Dave Faris at 1:02 PM on June 13, 2008


In my case, "Government of Canada" in the present regime is actually not too far off.

Explain to them that if Canadians can't view any of the copyright material on YouTube, this is all we have left. That should kill Bill C-61 pretty quick.
posted by Gary at 1:05 PM on June 13, 2008


Oh, and Dave's link is supposed to go here.
posted by Gary at 1:06 PM on June 13, 2008


thanks.
posted by Dave Faris at 1:08 PM on June 13, 2008


I love flamin' hot limon Cheetos.

One time, I ate several for breakfast. I was hungover. It seemed... right.

Then I decided for whatever stupid reason to wake up my boyfriend-of-the-moment with a blow job.

At first, he was like... ohhhh.... ohhh.... OH OH OW FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

It had become the "hateful blowjob."

Being a born problem-solver, I ran to the freezer and filled my mouth with Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia.

And thus, the ice-cream blowjob was born.

fin
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 2:11 PM on June 13, 2008 [2 favorites]


And at first you would think, 'Well it won't lead to any Cheetos/Human hybrids."

But you'd be wrong. Very, very wrong. And you're gonna remember this day when your 15-year-old daughter comes in late from her date with powdered cheese all over her hands and mouth.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 2:54 PM on June 13, 2008


Yesterday, usenet. Today, youtube MetaFilter.

Fixed that for you.
posted by bwg at 3:48 PM on June 13, 2008


I now firmly suspect loquacious is simultaneously employed by the Frito-Lay corporation and that Russian PR company that did the Berserk Office Worker viral video. (Or are they both owned by Omnicom now?)

Seriously. Why don't just post links to banner ads from here on out.
posted by tkchrist at 6:04 PM on June 13, 2008




This was awful.
posted by puddinghead at 10:25 PM on June 13, 2008


The only thing the mating rituals of the Unknown Comic lack is commentary from David Attenborough.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:09 PM on June 13, 2008




And this goes on for how many minutes?
posted by not_on_display at 10:05 PM on June 17, 2008




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