You Are the Prize to be Won: The Adventures of Guy Alpha

June 14, 2008 7:51 PM

This is Guy Alpha™, a salesman and delivery person for the Pleasure Factory™. He can transform into Super Hot-Man™ with the help of the Alpha Mind-Power Robe™ stored within his sidekick, Zed Suit™, a walking and talking robotic suitcase.

Wherein Guy Alpha demonstrates how to talk to women, what to do next time a woman asks you to lend her money, what to do when she says 'let's just be friends', how to dress and so much more. For the love of God, click the pictures. And take the poll.

posted by unSane (29 comments total)

I feel like I just spent a week with Charlie Sheen.
posted by Dizzy at 8:06 PM on June 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

Christ™, who gave the PUAs™ PowerPoint™/MS Paint™?

Its MetaFilter™'s two Most Favorite Things™ together at last; PUAs and bad webcomics.

And if you think these are bad, you should see the PUA instructional™ videos.

(no commentary on the PUA scene itself is expressed or implied in this comment™)
posted by theclaw at 8:07 PM on June 14, 2008

PUAs are the creepy male equivalent of generic psycho chicks. Both make things more difficult for EVERYBODY.

If only there was a way to only let them date each other.
posted by ®@ at 8:17 PM on June 14, 2008

I had to go use AcronymFinder to discover that "PUA" stands for "Pick Up Artist". Tells you how out of it I am.
posted by Class Goat at 8:19 PM on June 14, 2008 [3 favorites]

I was unaware of PUAs until I came across this guy. He included this site in his sig in a stock investing forum. *Shudder*.
posted by unSane at 8:21 PM on June 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

Yikes. My money's on some kind of autistic-spectrum illness, or just straight-up crackers.
posted by everichon at 8:23 PM on June 14, 2008

FWIW, PUAs, previously on MeFi
posted by theclaw at 8:30 PM on June 14, 2008

I like the gratuitous italics everywhere.
posted by signal at 8:43 PM on June 14, 2008

This PUA shit freaks me out but I do have to share the only PUA 'trick' that I have ever seen work for someone in a completely consistent way. A friend of mine (I use the term loosely) who was of at best average looks and one of the less charismatic people I know had a 100% going-home-with-people-after-a-party-and-fucking-them rate, at a time when I didn't and it seemed to matter.

Just to be clear, you could smell this guy putting on his aftershave in the basement when he was on the fourth floor. And that is not an exaggeration.

So, anyway, one day I asked him what his secret was, and he shared it. And here I share it for you all, gratis, verbatim. I never tried it. But it worked for him and I can imagine it generalizes.

"At the end of the evening I ask all the women who are still there, in order of how attractive I find them, if they will sleep with me. And someone always does."

Yup. That was it.
posted by unSane at 9:10 PM on June 14, 2008 [3 favorites]

I'LL TAKE TEN OF WHATEVER IT IS YOU HAVE TO OFFER.
posted by unknowncommand at 9:12 PM on June 14, 2008

I'M SCARED SOMEONE HOLD ME
posted by loquacious at 9:32 PM on June 14, 2008

This looks like a site that will tell me how to interact with people in an appropriate fashion.

Avoid profanity, including those written on T-shirts (low class).

Wait. What's wrong with my T-shirt of a woman giving a skeleton a blowjob with the caption "GET A JOB?" That's my best shirt. You've just made me run out of laundry. I don't know what to wear anymore.

Think James Bond.

OK, I'll put a blazer over it.

You probably already know that one day, a female room-mate asked me, "what's on the lunch menu down at the cafeteria today?", to which I replied, "food" (1). She then asked me again, "what are they selling down there today?", to which I again replied, "food" (2). Finally, she asked me, "what kind of food do they have?" to which I ultimately replied, "food" (3), and her counter to that was, "no kidding, Sherlock!" ;) You don't have to imagine the steaming hot look she had towards me after that.

You're right, I did probably already know that! Too bad I didn't. Nonetheless, it certainly is not necessary to imagine that steaming hot look she gave him after that. Nor the amount of SEX-HAVING I'm sure they had after that.

Also, this is peculiar. I like how the sun has two omegas for eyes - very apocalyptic.

There is a grafitti that comes to mind during one of my bathroom trips, which reads, "what a woman needs in her boyfriend: his penis." While very true, it doesn't say what she needs in her man outside of the bedroom. The grafitti artist would have probably added a few more words, had he reflected on his catch phrase just a little more, to read, "what a woman needs in her boyfriend: [back in the jungle, this would be] his penis in the bedroom [if such a place exists], and his ability to make good decisions outside of it for the survival of his family."

You make an excellent point. I now make you in charge of all bathroom graffiti. Consider your value heightened.

You ever hear the story about how the bird with two heads starved itself to death because their individual decisions were always conflicting?

No.

Two heads are never better than one in a relationship.

That's a lie.

This is the reason why God removed all traces of logical reasoning in the female brain. I hate to say it, but blame in on P.M.S.. There's really never anything on a woman's mind, but sentimental and emotional mush.

Truly, my good man! Hardly any web comics at all!

Y'know, the only PUA-related book I ever read was The Game, so it's weird to see the truly, truly misogynistic stripe of this universe on display. Most of what I remember from Neil Strauss and Mystery were more in the vein of a twist on Dale Carnegie, not this horse puckey.
posted by Sticherbeast at 9:53 PM on June 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

GUY ALPHA IS MADE OF PLASTIC AND IS SMUGGLING AN ELEPHANT IN HIS ASS.



Err... Actually, now that I've (ugh) read a handful of the comics, that's about right. Guy is wooden, predictable and made of plastic and seems to have two poses: OMG-elephant-in-my-ass and I-hate-the-world-(because-I-have-an-elephant-in-my-ass).

Fucking surreal. So, if I'm following this correctly the gist of PU-artists everywhere is that if I dedicate my life to acting, dressing, walking and talking like a predictable asshole who doesn't like anything at all, and especially not the "chick" he's trying to "lay", then tepid, dispassionate, anonymously wooden sex obtained purely by preying on the insecurities of others is available trickling occasionally out of a tap like so much cold, greasy, sleezy and emotionally dysfunctional water?

Did I get that about right? Is that a fairly accurate one-sentence summation of the issue?

I would rather saw off my own junk with a dull rock. Right now I'm trying to imagine explaining the concept of Tantra or even simply love to Guy Alpha and... my forebrain is pulsating violently in conflict at having to hold the two concepts together. They two ideas seemingly cannot coexist. Ack! I think it's trying to kill itself off in protest! It's refusing to metabolize oxygen! Abort! Abort! *slumps over on keyboard*
posted by loquacious at 10:11 PM on June 14, 2008 [6 favorites]

The most depressing thing about this stuff is how it uglifies a standard, enjoyable human interaction in a way that's totally unnecessary. All the "tricks" would work exactly the same way without the "I'm fooling this stupid slut into having sex with me" framing.

Man: Hey, woman! (Thinks: what an attractive woman!)
Woman: Hi! (Thinks: what an attractive man!)
Man: Flirting! (Let's flirt!)
Woman: Flirting back! (Let's flirt!)
Man: Hey, want to have sex? (How about sex?)
Woman: Sure, let's have sex! (Sure, sex!)

Somehow gets twisted into:

Man: Hey, woman! (Thinks: this girl looks stupid enough to fall for my bullshit!)
Woman: Hi! (Thinks: what an attractive man!)
Man: Flirting! (You're a dumb whore!)
Woman: Flirting back! (Let's flirt!)
Man: Hey, want to have sex? (Now she's programmed to be my sex bot!)
Woman: Sure, let's have sex! (Sure, sex!)
posted by lemuria at 10:30 PM on June 14, 2008 [17 favorites]

All the "tricks" would work exactly the same way without the "I'm fooling this stupid slut into having sex with me" framing.

Brilliant! Thanks for pointing this out. I feel better now.
posted by flotson at 10:46 PM on June 14, 2008

All the whole industry needs is a little counter artistry.

Man: Hey, woman! (Thinks: this girl looks stupid enough to fall for my bullshit!)
Woman: Hi! (Thinks: aha, another PUA who thinks he's clever!)
Man: Flirting! (You're a dumb whore!)
Woman: Flirting back! (By now he probably thinks I'm another dumb whore!)
Man: Hey, want to have sex? (Now she's programmed to be my sex bot!)
Woman: Sure, let's have sex! (Get ready to wake up without a kidney, sucker!)
posted by rokusan at 11:46 PM on June 14, 2008 [4 favorites]

All the whole industry needs is a little counter artistry.

Well, no. What it really needs is for a real rain to come and wash it off the streets. And down the sewer.
posted by dersins at 11:54 PM on June 14, 2008 [2 favorites]

All the "tricks" would work exactly the same way without the "I'm fooling this stupid slut into having sex with me" framing.

On someone with low self esteem, no real interests and no sense of her own mind who is desperate for a man, any man, perhaps this may be true. Though such women don't actually take any effort or thought to pick up anyway.

On an intelligent grown woman who otherwise has no interest in you? Not so much here, I think.

I do think it's helpful for social incompetents and people with autistic spectrum disorder to think through their social interactions before they attempt them if they aren't to be lonely and isolated though. But ultimately, the 'tricks' amount to little more than the truisms that many women like confident, high-status men. If that isn't you, then fake it till you make it.

The problem is, when the women who aren't completely retarded figure out that you're faking it, if it really is important to them, your ass is so dumped. And again, if it isn't important to them, you don't actually need the artifice.

The truth is, this PUA stuff is all about men feeling better about themselves and compensating for their own percieved inadequacies and shortcomings. Kinda like make-up and falsies for guys.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 2:43 AM on June 15, 2008

I feel like I need to wash myself after reading that.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 2:46 AM on June 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

"aLazyBum" sure does have a lot of free time on his hands.
posted by TwelveTwo at 4:01 AM on June 15, 2008

From an entry titled "Rare to Find this Trick on a Seduction Web Site":

Professional/seasoned veteran pick-up artists often sport something unusual (like an unusual hat), as an aide to breaking the ice with women.

Aaaaaaaand I'm just going to stop right there. No link.
posted by 2or3whiskeysodas at 5:22 AM on June 15, 2008 [4 favorites]

Did anyone else here look at that Guy Alpha character with the down-pointy hairdo and immediately think of Donald Trump?
posted by spoobnooble at 5:57 AM on June 15, 2008

I am going to go wash my eyes now. The internet is a big and beautiful place, but this is not something that makes me feel smarter to have read.
posted by Forktine at 6:48 AM on June 15, 2008

It seems to me that the only women PUAs will succeed in picking up... are women who aren't able to attract non-PUA men into their lives.

Perhaps that symmetry works out best for everyone, then.
posted by five fresh fish at 8:15 AM on June 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

On someone with low self esteem, no real interests and no sense of her own mind who is desperate for a man, any man, perhaps this may be true.

I didn't really mean that all of the specific "tricks" that guys like this list will "work." Most of the ideas are stupid. What I meant was really simple stuff, stuff that's considered "flirting" by normal people, is turned by these guys into "tricks."

For example, teasing another person is pretty standard flirting. You normally don't playfully insult another person unless you're very friendly with them, so if someone you don't know well teases you they're being more intimate with you than they normally would be. A little mild conflict is fun for most people, and might make a person more exciting to talk to. Hence, teasing is part of flirting. With these guys, though, teasing has somehow been turned into "negging" which you do because girls are dying to be abused by an alpha male who will put them in their place and turn them into sexbots.

But teasing someone would "work" just as well with either mindset, and these people are choosing the wrong one.
posted by lemuria at 9:24 AM on June 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

Are you guys sure this isn't Maddox-style humor? Because I was pretty certain this was something like satire or some other over-the-top humor variant until I came in and read the complaining.
posted by namespan at 3:46 PM on June 15, 2008

Why on earth would you think it's satire? You think it's impossible for even one guy to be an asshole?

"All men are noble creatures and treat women as equals" -- now that's satire.
posted by bravelittletoaster at 4:07 PM on June 15, 2008

For a while, I thought this was a new Grant Morrison project.
posted by empath at 9:21 PM on June 15, 2008

Wait. What's wrong with my T-shirt of a woman giving a skeleton a blowjob with the caption "GET A JOB?"

That word, 'boner'? That's a metaphor, you know. Skeletons don't really need loincloths.

(Damn, why can't I find "Make Fun of the Newest Daikatana Screenshot Week" in the Old Man Murray archives?)
posted by straight at 9:58 AM on June 16, 2008