I knew there was a reason I always wanted to live there. posted by lekvar at 10:05 PM on June 28, 2008 [1 favorite]
You know that game where you try to come up with three items (or whatever number) that would freak out the cashier? That's what the tags for this post remind me of. posted by danb at 10:06 PM on June 28, 2008 [2 favorites]
I heard a rumor that Ayveq actually died from a shotgun blast to the stomach. It was some sort of bucket theft gone horribly wrong. An otter in a nearby exhibit said he heard Ayveq yell, "they be stealing my bucket" moments before the fatal shots were fired. posted by kscottz at 10:10 PM on June 28, 2008
A fourteen year old chronic masturbater died. Had to happen eventually!
PS the dude in the podcast's surname Kuntzman. posted by nudar at 10:15 PM on June 28, 2008
His masturbation was adept because he had crazy flipper fingers.
♫ He's a pinniped wizard
There's got to be a twist
A pinniped wizard
He's got such a supple fin ♫ posted by maxwelton at 10:32 PM on June 28, 2008 [4 favorites]
Dammit, clearly that second line should be "That's gotta be a win". Dammit. posted by maxwelton at 10:33 PM on June 28, 2008 [1 favorite]
New York mourns a chronic masturbator.
I'm sure there'll be another one on the C train tomorrow morning, anyway. posted by Mikey-San at 10:38 PM on June 28, 2008 [4 favorites]
I wonder if a zoo employee or another walrus taught him that. posted by Burhanistan at 10:45 PM on June 28, 2008
Dolphins are still the freakiest water animals. Those fishy bastards will rape you! posted by Justinian at 10:50 PM on June 28, 2008
The death of Ayveq comes almost exactly a year after the birth of his only (known) son, Akituusaq, whom he sired with the female, Kulusiq after years of unrequited courting.
OK, I'm not playing games here, this is how it's gonna work. I leave a message on your answerphone, and if you don't return my call in three days that's it, I delete your number.... posted by mattoxic at 10:53 PM on June 28, 2008 [1 favorite]
But the courting was requited eventually, no? posted by sour cream at 11:03 PM on June 28, 2008
I actually got to "meet" this walrus last summer, and it was one of the highlights of my year. He'd mimic everything the trainer was doing exactly, rush around to check out and make eye contact with everyone there, and was just generally awesome. My friends and I stuck around a little bit to hang out with the trainer, as he and Ayvaq played around. NEver did I get even the slightest hint that this walrus did not love his life.
He will be missed, and mourned. Rest in playful peace, Ayveq, tragically unmasturbated though you now may be.
Here you go, maxwelton! (Sung to the tune of Pinball Wizard)
♫ Ever since he was a young pup
He played with both his balls
From Alaska to Manhattan
He was observed by all
Whippin' out his willy
While swimmin' in his tank
That 2700-pound walrus
Sure does love to wank
He swims up to the windows
Rolls over on his back
Then reaches down his belly
Searchin' for his stack
Feelin' with his flippers
Whips out his walrus crank
That arctic mass of blubber
Sure does love to wank
He's a pinniped wizard
That's gotta be a win
A pinniped wizard
He's got such a supple fin
Why do you think he does it? (I don't know)
It must feel so good
Walrus onanism
The zookeeper just sighs:
"It really draws the crowds,"
Buys walrus Astroglide
Wandering left flipper
Nonstop monkey spank
That 2700-pound walrus
Sure does love to wank posted by optovox at 11:58 PM on June 28, 2008 [36 favorites]
optovox, even if you're a man, please accept my proposal of marriage. My wife will just have to deal. posted by maxwelton at 12:14 AM on June 29, 2008 [1 favorite]
I'm not impressed. By 14, my masturbation technique was WAY more advanced that his. posted by absalom at 12:39 AM on June 29, 2008
All you NYers (and by extension, Americans) better not make a peep when we FPP the death of the nosepicking hamster of Aarhus. posted by Meatbomb at 12:49 AM on June 29, 2008
Is this even worth a dot? I mean, it's a frikkin walrus! We're doing obit threads for walruses now? posted by ZachsMind at 3:49 AM on June 29, 2008
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posted by Tullius at 9:49 PM on June 28, 2008 [1 favorite]