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RIP Ayveq
June 28, 2008 9:44 PM   Subscribe


 
So I totally missed the first sentence about this being a walrus...
posted by Tullius at 9:49 PM on June 28, 2008 [1 favorite]


.
posted by ageispolis at 9:52 PM on June 28, 2008


Seafood Stroganoff. This fusion cuisine thing is getting out of hand.
posted by jonmc at 9:54 PM on June 28, 2008


"his only (known) son". Cute.

Also: .
posted by joannemerriam at 9:56 PM on June 28, 2008


Good thing he's not Danish. And not playing music.
posted by ddaavviidd at 9:59 PM on June 28, 2008


My bukkit! I be kickin' it!!
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:03 PM on June 28, 2008 [20 favorites]


New York mourns a chronic masturbator.

I knew there was a reason I always wanted to live there.
posted by lekvar at 10:05 PM on June 28, 2008 [1 favorite]


You know that game where you try to come up with three items (or whatever number) that would freak out the cashier? That's what the tags for this post remind me of.
posted by danb at 10:06 PM on June 28, 2008 [2 favorites]


*fap*
posted by dirigibleman at 10:06 PM on June 28, 2008


,
posted by pjern at 10:09 PM on June 28, 2008


I heard a rumor that Ayveq actually died from a shotgun blast to the stomach. It was some sort of bucket theft gone horribly wrong. An otter in a nearby exhibit said he heard Ayveq yell, "they be stealing my bucket" moments before the fatal shots were fired.
posted by kscottz at 10:10 PM on June 28, 2008


A fourteen year old chronic masturbater died. Had to happen eventually!

PS the dude in the podcast's surname Kuntzman.
posted by nudar at 10:15 PM on June 28, 2008


Courtesy of Fark, the performance the deceased was famous for.
posted by breath at 10:15 PM on June 28, 2008


Okay, so I just went on youtube and... ummm... yeah, there are numerous videos of Ayveq's penchant for self love. And I ain't linking to 'em.

All I'll say is that I'm pretty sure I know what he's busy doing in walrus heaven.
posted by miss lynnster at 10:18 PM on June 28, 2008 [1 favorite]


His masturbation was adept because he had crazy flipper fingers.
posted by Tube at 10:24 PM on June 28, 2008


goo goo ka joob
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 10:29 PM on June 28, 2008 [1 favorite]


His masturbation was adept because he had crazy flipper fingers.

♫ He's a pinniped wizard
There's got to be a twist
A pinniped wizard
He's got such a supple fin ♫
posted by maxwelton at 10:32 PM on June 28, 2008 [4 favorites]


Dammit, clearly that second line should be "That's gotta be a win". Dammit.
posted by maxwelton at 10:33 PM on June 28, 2008 [1 favorite]


New York mourns a chronic masturbator.

I'm sure there'll be another one on the C train tomorrow morning, anyway.
posted by Mikey-San at 10:38 PM on June 28, 2008 [4 favorites]


I wonder if a zoo employee or another walrus taught him that.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:45 PM on June 28, 2008


Dolphins are still the freakiest water animals. Those fishy bastards will rape you!
posted by Justinian at 10:50 PM on June 28, 2008


The death of Ayveq comes almost exactly a year after the birth of his only (known) son, Akituusaq, whom he sired with the female, Kulusiq after years of unrequited courting.

OK, I'm not playing games here, this is how it's gonna work. I leave a message on your answerphone, and if you don't return my call in three days that's it, I delete your number....
posted by mattoxic at 10:53 PM on June 28, 2008 [1 favorite]


But the courting was requited eventually, no?
posted by sour cream at 11:03 PM on June 28, 2008


I actually got to "meet" this walrus last summer, and it was one of the highlights of my year. He'd mimic everything the trainer was doing exactly, rush around to check out and make eye contact with everyone there, and was just generally awesome. My friends and I stuck around a little bit to hang out with the trainer, as he and Ayvaq played around. NEver did I get even the slightest hint that this walrus did not love his life.

He will be missed, and mourned. Rest in playful peace, Ayveq, tragically unmasturbated though you now may be.

.
posted by Navelgazer at 11:22 PM on June 28, 2008 [2 favorites]


Here you go, maxwelton! (Sung to the tune of Pinball Wizard)

♫ Ever since he was a young pup
He played with both his balls
From Alaska to Manhattan
He was observed by all
Whippin' out his willy
While swimmin' in his tank
That 2700-pound walrus
Sure does love to wank

He swims up to the windows
Rolls over on his back
Then reaches down his belly
Searchin' for his stack
Feelin' with his flippers
Whips out his walrus crank
That arctic mass of blubber
Sure does love to wank

He's a pinniped wizard
That's gotta be a win
A pinniped wizard
He's got such a supple fin

Why do you think he does it? (I don't know)
It must feel so good

Walrus onanism
The zookeeper just sighs:
"It really draws the crowds,"
Buys walrus Astroglide
Wandering left flipper
Nonstop monkey spank
That 2700-pound walrus
Sure does love to wank
posted by optovox at 11:58 PM on June 28, 2008 [35 favorites]


optovox, even if you're a man, please accept my proposal of marriage. My wife will just have to deal.
posted by maxwelton at 12:14 AM on June 29, 2008 [1 favorite]


I'm not impressed. By 14, my masturbation technique was WAY more advanced that his.
posted by absalom at 12:39 AM on June 29, 2008


All you NYers (and by extension, Americans) better not make a peep when we FPP the death of the nosepicking hamster of Aarhus.
posted by Meatbomb at 12:49 AM on June 29, 2008


Is this even worth a dot? I mean, it's a frikkin walrus! We're doing obit threads for walruses now?
posted by ZachsMind at 3:49 AM on June 29, 2008


|
posted by pyramid termite at 4:44 AM on June 29, 2008


Yellow matter custard
Dripping from a dead dog's walrus's eye.
posted by Sys Rq at 4:49 AM on June 29, 2008


OGC Bukkit.

Does this represent repeated 'tool' use?
posted by BrotherCaine at 5:07 AM on June 29, 2008


"whom he sired with the female, Kulusiq after years of unrequited courting."

unrequited doesn't mean what I thought it did.
posted by HuronBob at 5:20 AM on June 29, 2008


'aquarium attraction' doesn't mean what i thought it did.
posted by msconduct at 5:28 AM on June 29, 2008 [1 favorite]


Sit you down, Ayveq. Rest you.
posted by hal9k at 7:34 AM on June 29, 2008


Only in America!

A joke. Following optovox's Wankball Walrus is not easy!
posted by asok at 7:59 AM on June 29, 2008


ZachsMind I figure that while it may not be worth a dot, it's worth a *fap*

Thanks for the post homunculus, I didn't even know Ayveq existed until this post.


*fap*
posted by sotonohito at 8:05 AM on June 29, 2008


.
posted by perilous at 9:17 AM on June 29, 2008


i'm in ur metafilterz
fwappin muh blubbah


.
posted by CitizenD at 12:31 PM on June 29, 2008 [2 favorites]


:<= . . . . . <====8
posted by Frank Grimes at 12:50 PM on June 29, 2008 [5 favorites]


seemed like a good friend:P
posted by femmme at 1:33 PM on June 29, 2008


Is that Brooklyn Wine any good? NY-Fites?
posted by turgid dahlia at 3:04 PM on June 29, 2008


Tastes like walrus spunk.
posted by Meatbomb at 3:33 PM on June 29, 2008 [1 favorite]


Tastes like walrus spunk.

So do they give discounts for mixed dozens?
posted by turgid dahlia at 6:14 PM on June 29, 2008


metaspank, spankfilter? didn't work either way.
posted by hellslinger at 3:52 PM on June 30, 2008


Meataflipper?
posted by BrotherCaine at 6:50 PM on June 30, 2008


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