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Honey, where's the remote?
July 8, 2008 9:33 PM   Subscribe

Remote control birth control. The device, an implant for men that is billed as an alternative to a vasectomy, is still in testing. That's not the only idea for new male contraceptives, though. As a 20-something male, I can say with confidence that my favorite method so far is the application of an external heat source. This blog is my new favorite.
posted by tarheelcoxn (36 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
It involves an actual remote control. Figures.

*quickly apologies, runs away*
posted by jokeefe at 9:43 PM on July 8, 2008 [1 favorite]


My favorite "what if?" with this device goes like this: what if some brand of car has a key fob that somehow, for... say... 1/1000 cars, also acts as the on/off switch for this contraceptive device? That'd be lulzy.
posted by tarheelcoxn at 9:52 PM on July 8, 2008 [2 favorites]


Need a gift for the man who has everything?

As a high-tech and perhaps more convenient alternative to hot sitz baths, several inventors have created battery-powered pouches designed specifically to heat the testes.
posted by Forktine at 9:54 PM on July 8, 2008


And to think I was just going to have my nuts pulled of in a farming accident; this is welcome news.
posted by nola at 9:57 PM on July 8, 2008 [3 favorites]


I'll only get this if it makes the car alarm *beep*beep* sound when activated.
posted by Tenuki at 10:01 PM on July 8, 2008 [11 favorites]


But he said after a while the valve may clog with protein and remain shut . . .

Brother let me tell ya.
posted by nola at 10:02 PM on July 8, 2008 [2 favorites]


No no no, see the government's got this master kill switch that will make past eugenics experiments pale in comparison. Stay vigilant, people!
posted by bibliowench at 10:08 PM on July 8, 2008


I should note that the inspiration for this post was a Planned Parenthood sign-this-petition-and-give-us-money email blast that talked about this device but DIDN'T LINK TO ANY INFO about it. I read the subject line and was all lolwut tell me more, but the email didn't deliver. So sad.
posted by tarheelcoxn at 10:12 PM on July 8, 2008


I can say with confidence that my least favorite method so far is penis theft.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 10:29 PM on July 8, 2008 [7 favorites]


Sperm abortion.
posted by three blind mice at 11:02 PM on July 8, 2008 [1 favorite]


actually i got kicked in the nuts pretty hard this morning by VMW and that seems to have done the trick nicely, thankyousir.
posted by joeblough at 11:22 PM on July 8, 2008


Do they just TRY to find terrible uses for RFID? I swear, it's like the Cran of tech, and the barrel is being scraped for Crantofurky and CranGasoline.
posted by effugas at 11:39 PM on July 8, 2008 [1 favorite]


I just apply a little dab of tarheelcoxn to the nutsac. Does the trick for me.
posted by wfrgms at 11:49 PM on July 8, 2008


Is this the best they can do?
posted by chillmost at 12:35 AM on July 9, 2008


Looks like a fucking war zone, most of the fuckers arn't moving at all hahahahah, 1/10 move strait, but slowly, and an other 1/10 move slowly in cyrcles hahahahha.

Dude has some serious antipathy towards his sperm.
posted by Science! at 12:37 AM on July 9, 2008


...not to mention the English language.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 1:03 AM on July 9, 2008


I saw the summary and the first thing that came to mind was sperm coated in C4. One press of the button, and boom!

Can't say it would be very pleasant if that sperm happened to be inside someone, though...
posted by Yoshi Ayarane at 1:04 AM on July 9, 2008


I would actually get the clamp if it comes to pass.
posted by chuckdarwin at 1:10 AM on July 9, 2008


Hey honey I don't need those I got this remote control gizmo you read about it on the Internet yeah I just press the button and I'm good to go you don't have to worry about a thing yeah it looks like my car key thing aint that cute? No that wasn't the car lights when I pressed it well actually that is kind of another feature actually like a universal remote but it works good hey wait I'm telling you its a remote control...
posted by Phanx at 2:05 AM on July 9, 2008


Anybody know where I can buy one of those ultrasound things they use to deep-heat your muscles when you get injured?

Preferably battery operated, so I can give myself a nice warming-up whilst watching TV or working in the office.
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:08 AM on July 9, 2008


Popsci picture gallery. Other methods that China has tried that were not on the blog include a radio emitter worn in the underwear, and some kind of rapeseed extract (carcinogenic?).
posted by BrotherCaine at 2:13 AM on July 9, 2008


Man, I'm all for male birth control but most of these ideas sound quite uncomfortable. Drano? Misplaced plugs? Keep thinking doc. And hurry the hell up! We've been promised a male pill for over thirty years now.
posted by dabitch at 2:28 AM on July 9, 2008


some kind of rapeseed extract

Sorry, I don't think abortions count as contraception.
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:33 AM on July 9, 2008 [3 favorites]


some kind of rapeseed extract

Sorry, I don't think abortions count as contraception.


ZING!!!
posted by rxrfrx at 3:37 AM on July 9, 2008


A transmitter outside the body would send a coded radio frequency pulse to an ID tag inside the body, causing the valve to open and close in response to a unique code.

Yeah, that's so going to go well. I can't wait to see what the courts will have to deal with in the future.

Slightly less stupid snarky response:

Law & Order 2061: The case of the Nut Cracker.


4chan/bash.org snarky response:

LULZ I JUST TOTALLY HAXXED YR BALLS. BALL PWNAGE FTW!!
posted by loquacious at 3:57 AM on July 9, 2008


boilyourgoolies.blogspot.com
posted by fleetmouse at 6:10 AM on July 9, 2008


Just what I need. RFID in my balls. Chewbacca and Mr. T would love that.
posted by bugmuncher at 6:48 AM on July 9, 2008


what if some brand of car has a key fob that somehow also acts as the on/off switch for this contraceptive device? That'd be lulzy.

Wait until the guys over at Instructables come up with a modified version of this.
posted by Enron Hubbard at 7:03 AM on July 9, 2008


Does the remote control come with a Diet-Coke-and-Mentos setting? YouTube may never be the same.
posted by rosebuddy at 7:25 AM on July 9, 2008


Who needs this stuff? Spray 'n' pray is the only way!
posted by Mister_A at 7:32 AM on July 9, 2008


I'm remembering that scene from Poltergeist where the two neighbors keep changing the channels on each others TVs because the remotes are interfering with one another.

This could be just like that. Only with babies.
posted by quin at 8:21 AM on July 9, 2008


God, the principle behind the "remote control" method is so brilliant I'd have the researcher's children (metaphorically speaking). It's like an electromechanical RFID tag!
posted by phrontist at 8:22 AM on July 9, 2008


Oh, and as far as "hacking" one of these... implementing cryptographically secure authentication (in ones scrotum) is pretty trivial if you can do the mechanical bit. There is no getting around the simple physics of inverse square radio energy falloff... you'd probably notice if someone were trying to brute force your chip.

Ladies, please a little breathing room please. I'm starting to think you're having a go at my vas deferens.
posted by phrontist at 8:26 AM on July 9, 2008


I saw the summary and the first thing that came to mind was sperm coated in C4. One press of the button, and boom!

Can't say it would be very pleasant if that sperm happened to be inside someone, though...


But what about if it's triggered to explode right upon ejaculation? You could cum cluster bombs, dude.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 8:36 AM on July 9, 2008


You could cum cluster bombs, dude.

Just make sure the breach is clear before detonation or you may have a problem.
posted by Tenuki at 10:15 AM on July 9, 2008


Do they not realise how many times I was sure I had locked the car, only to find it unlocked when I came back?
posted by lemonfridge at 10:21 AM on July 9, 2008 [3 favorites]


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