PorNOTgraphy, AMIRITE?

July 17, 2008 12:35 AM

As Jesus did turn water into wine, Safe-for-Work Porn transforms what I'm sure we all agree are socially useless images into narrative-rich scenes of whimsy and imagination that can be enjoyed by all. ... and, er... um, yeeahh, it's probably... not ... too safe for work.
posted by fucker (61 comments total)

Dude, if this were even remotely clever... but they're crude and stupid. Are you high?
posted by Dave Faris at 12:49 AM on July 17 [1 favorite]

Crude and stupid is not a bar to teh funny. I'm not high yet because I've just rolled out of bed, but I laughed like a drain.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 12:52 AM on July 17

I'm not high yet because I've just rolled out of bed, but I laughed like a drain.

Riiiight.

*backs away slowly*
posted by phrontist at 12:55 AM on July 17

i like it
posted by skammer at 12:55 AM on July 17

Eponysterical!

And, uh...yeah, even dressed up as Native Americans, superheroes, ice cream vendors, and -- WTF, firemen?! -- definitely NSWF.

I'd say "I'll never look at porn the same," but in truth, well, I'm still going to look at porn the same. I'm just going to try to forget these images while I do so.

Fun post.
posted by mosk at 12:56 AM on July 17

I like this much more than I expected.

It is both clever and stupid.
posted by aubilenon at 12:59 AM on July 17 [2 favorites]

7 1/2 years a member and this is what you come up with for your first post? Rock on.
posted by netbros at 1:01 AM on July 17 [6 favorites]

After your last post you said "7 years".
posted by tellurian at 1:03 AM on July 17

Congratulations on a well-chosen first post 7 1/2 years after you paid your $5.
posted by longsleeves at 1:03 AM on July 17

*backs away slowly*

You'd better be backing faster than that, otherwise by the time I get my drunk on I'll have your goot displayed in one of these artworks faster than you can say Violet Blue.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:10 AM on July 17

Wait, so now you're saying that the cover-up is far enough along that they're un-porning things?

(This was so meh I lack adequately meh words to describe its mehness.)
posted by maxwelton at 1:10 AM on July 17

/grabs popcorm
posted by HE Amb. T. S. L. DuVal at 1:15 AM on July 17

7 1/2 years a member and this is what you come up with for your first post? Rock on.

Actually it was this one; subject of polarized responses, controversial deletion, and then a ***$300,000*** book deal. I expect all three will happen again for this post.
posted by fucker at 1:15 AM on July 17

Congratulations on a well-chosen first post 7 1/2 years after you paid your $5.

7-1/2 years ago we didn't pay $5. Fuckin' newbie! ;-)
posted by troybob at 1:53 AM on July 17

I'd pay $5 not to have clicked on that website..

(btw: when did users have to start paying for metafilter registration?)
posted by channey at 2:01 AM on July 17

Congratulations on a well-chosen first post 7 1/2 years after you paid your $5.

People had to pay to join back then? I must have been here a lot longer than I'd thought...
posted by effbot at 2:21 AM on July 17

This one looks an awful lot like someone I've seen on Mythbusters.
posted by Turtles all the way down at 2:25 AM on July 17

(btw: when did users have to start paying for metafilter registration?)

I joined (April 2004) just before you had to pay.
posted by Turtles all the way down at 2:27 AM on July 17

Actually it was this one; subject of polarized responses, controversial deletion, and then a ***$300,000*** book deal.

That would have been the more interesting FPP.
posted by three blind mice at 2:31 AM on July 17

I joined (April 2004) just before you had to pay.

I heard that's why people had to start paying.
posted by troybob at 2:35 AM on July 17 [2 favorites]

This one looks an awful lot like someone I've seen on Mythbusters.

I was thinking the same thing. Maybe it was photoshopped before it was MS painted.
posted by DanielDManiel at 2:42 AM on July 17

I started reading in 2000, but for some reason the membership was always closed or I'd miss an opening. But I do think that somewhere along the line I paid $5 and I magically got to register.

Also, I didn't know that contorsionists enjoyed eating popcorn while on the job. Good to know!
posted by jsavimbi at 2:50 AM on July 17

God I hate porn too. Get this lowbrow nonsense out of here.
posted by fire&wings at 3:21 AM on July 17

I don't mind seeing this stuff on 4chan, but MeFi?
posted by The Giant Squid at 3:51 AM on July 17

Where'd that after hours mod go?
posted by ryanrs at 3:53 AM on July 17

ha ha this is great : 0

back in the day, matt paid us to join metafilter.
posted by sgt.serenity at 3:59 AM on July 17

As Jesus did turn water into wine

Not really. Not really at all, no.

Stop for a minute and think about that. He turned water into wine. He didn't go through the whole fermenting process and sack the stuff away in goatskins for a few years and then "presto! wine!" No. He looked at ordinary jars full of water, and then miraculously, instantaneously, changed them into wine. Wine!

And not just any wine, either. I, for one, believe that Christ's first vintage was the best wine to ever pass human lips. I mean, if you can turn regular water into wine in the first place, you can probably do it as perfectly as can be done, right? Better than anyone else in the entirety of creation. Ever. That's pretty good.

Here's the thing: you either believe he really made water into wine miraculously, or you don't. There's no middle ground on it. People like to think that Jesus was a good man, a great teacher, maybe even a fancy magician - but he wasn't that. That is the one thing he was not. Consider Clyde Staples Lewis:

Jesus… told people that their sins were forgiven… This makes sense only if He really was the God whose laws are broken and whose love is wounded in every sin. I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people say about Him: “I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept His claim to be God.” That is one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would be either a lunatic- on the level of a poached egg- or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.

I know that the majority of my esteemed fellow MeFites here are of a dissenting opinion to mine on the topic and mean this as no disrespect to their various views on faith / spirituality, et. al.. I'm just trying to point out that this crude and stupid image transformation dredge really isn't at all on the same level with an actual, real-life miracle, should you happen to believe such things are even possible.

And its certainly not BOTW.
posted by allkindsoftime at 4:04 AM on July 17 [2 favorites]

Congratulations on a well-chosen first post 7 1/2 years after you paid your $5.

I signed up less than 7 1/2 years ago and I didn't have to pay a thing. Where is your god now, eh?!
posted by cmonkey at 4:04 AM on July 17

I know this isn't a deep and intelligent post, but the merging of an asshole into the packaging for sour sweets kind of won me over. I laughed.
posted by emperor.seamus at 4:07 AM on July 17

I, for one, believe that Christ's first vintage was the best wine to ever pass human lips.

Jesus was way cool
Everybody liked Jesus
Everybody wanted to hang out with him
Anything he wanted to do, he did
He turned water into wine
And if he wanted to
He could have turned wheat into marijuana
Or sugar into cocaine
Or vitamin pills into amphetamines

He walked on the water
And swam on the land
He would tell these stories
And people would listen
He was really cool

If you were blind or lame
You just went to Jesus
And he would put his hands on you
And you would be healed
That's so cool

He could've played guitar better than Hendrix
He could've told the future
He could've baked the most delicious cake in the world
He could've scored more goals than Wayne Gretzky
He could've danced better than Barishnikov
Jesus could have been funnier than any comedian you can think of
Jesus was way cool

He told people to eat his body and drink his blood
That's so cool
Jesus was so cool
But then some people got jealous of how cool he was
So they killed him
But then he rose from the dead
He rose from the dead, danced around
Then went up to heaven
I mean, that's so cool
Jesus was way cool

No wonder there are so many Christians

- King Missile, "Jesus was Way Cool"
posted by maxwelton at 4:10 AM on July 17 [3 favorites]

I fucking love it that Metafilter can turn a weird-ass post on pr0n into a discussion on the divinity of Jesus. Praise Bob!
posted by Jimbob at 4:18 AM on July 17 [1 favorite]

I like Of Montreal
posted by mattoxic at 4:24 AM on July 17

Yeah, she does look like the girl from Mythbusters.
posted by Brian Puccio at 4:25 AM on July 17

A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would be either a lunatic- on the level of a poached egg- or else he would be the Devil of Hell.

I'd be first in line to doubt his divinity, but I still don't quite agree with this statement. Newton worked on alchemy (more than on real science!) but that doesn't make him not a great scientist. Similarly, being a lunatic, or even "the Devil of Hell", doesn't necessarily preclude being a great moral teacher.
posted by DU at 4:35 AM on July 17

Totally. But I was thinking of the "Gee thx Superman..." girl. She's right below the girl in the "Corn Store" hat. Middle of the page.
posted by From Bklyn at 4:49 AM on July 17

That's Kari Byron's face, but there's no way that isn't photoshopped. Look at the angle of her head.
posted by DU at 4:58 AM on July 17

It's sort of best of the worst of the web. Maybe.

But hey, I've been here a long time too and I still don't "get" what makes a good MetaFilter post (so I haven't tried). Though I will admit to nailing it on Sensible Erection.

What do I get up to when home sick anyway?
posted by kalessin at 5:02 AM on July 17

How soon before somebody re-porns these with MS Paint?
posted by ardgedee at 5:15 AM on July 17

Seriously? I could excuse it if you were a seven year old or something. But the odds of a fetus signing up for mefi seem dubious at best.
Just lurk from now on dude. Please.
posted by JimmyJames at 5:17 AM on July 17

I thought they were funny. Good post, fucker.
posted by sveskemus at 5:23 AM on July 17

This is funny - and I am the sole arbiter of what is and is not, right?
posted by Jofus at 5:29 AM on July 17

"Safe For Work", yet The Big Company's netfilter blocked it anyway.
posted by tommasz at 5:36 AM on July 17

*golf claps*
posted by The Straightener at 6:00 AM on July 17

Praise Bob!

You mean Praise Joe Pesci.
posted by bwg at 6:13 AM on July 17

Ah thanks, I didn't know there was an aggregator site for these. I think they're really funny.
posted by Grimp0teuthis at 6:14 AM on July 17

creative / LOL
posted by Null Pointer and the Exceptions at 6:33 AM on July 17

I guess none of you numbskulls have figured out that the site won't let you link to specific images, and it replaces all of them with the banner.
posted by Dave Faris at 6:35 AM on July 17

every post is a repost of a repost
posted by Greg Nog at 6:45 AM on July 17

>Seriously? I could excuse it if you were a seven year old or something. But the odds of a fetus signing up for mefi seem dubious at best.

I think a story about a seven year old fetus that knew how to use the internet would make a pretty good FPP, actually.
posted by xbonesgt at 6:47 AM on July 17

I guess none of you numbskulls have figured out that the site won't let you link to specific images, and it replaces all of them with the banner.

When I clicked on those links, I saw the specific image.

Anyway, this is amusing. It's not like we don't constantly have slightly dumb but funny posts on this site.
posted by Saxon Kane at 6:56 AM on July 17

I guess none of you numbskulls have figured out that the site won't let you link to specific images, and it replaces all of them with the banner.

Some of us numbskulls figured it out AND realized the easy workaround.
posted by DU at 6:57 AM on July 17

I laughed out loud.
posted by Telf at 7:03 AM on July 17

I guess none of you numbskulls have figured out that the site won't let you link to specific images, and it replaces all of them with the banner.

Actually, they work fine for me. Possibly because the images were already in my cache from RTFA?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 7:05 AM on July 17

I laughed out loud. Which was hard to do because I had a cock flute in my mouth.
posted by aftermarketradio at 7:09 AM on July 17

Metafilter: Corn Store.
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 7:10 AM on July 17

Jesus uncarnate all indifferent heaven-person now is jealous of the fleshy b-web shapeshifters and their acid-colored cloakings.
posted by gorgor_balabala at 7:24 AM on July 17

I joined (April 2004) just before you had to pay.

I heard that's why people had to start paying.

Ha ha no! You are totally wrong and such a loser. You had to pay after I joined cuz I am so cool and after I joined everyone else wanted to! You suck!
posted by Turtles all the way down at 7:24 AM on July 17

I'm pretty sure all or most of these came from a couple of Something Awful "make porn work-safe" threads.
posted by Mikey-San at 7:26 AM on July 17

This made me LOL. First for the cross-eyed girl "drinking grog," then for "Here is your microscope Doctor."
posted by autodidact at 7:37 AM on July 17

Metafilter can turn a weird-ass post on pr0n into a discussion on the divinity of Jesus.

It's God's Wine Law.
posted by Iridic at 7:43 AM on July 17 [2 favorites]

I have always loved these pictures.

I think it's safe to agree that the grog one is the best. I also love the DJ on the "turntables".
posted by crunch buttsteak at 7:57 AM on July 17