Skip

Cake Wrecks
July 22, 2008 4:57 PM   Subscribe

Cake Wrecks. "When professional cakes go horribly, hilariously wrong." [via]
posted by kolophon (69 comments total) 35 users marked this as a favorite

 
I giggled. I admit it.
posted by desuetude at 5:03 PM on July 22, 2008


All they need is for some woman to fart on them.
posted by jbickers at 5:06 PM on July 22, 2008


I'm sure they all still tasted fine.
posted by martinX's bellbottoms at 5:15 PM on July 22, 2008


I wasn't sure if I should post it here. Not the best of the web, but I think it's on par with the awsome tattoos, so...

"All they need is for some woman to fart on them."

erm, is this a reference to a film that i'm missing?
posted by kolophon at 5:16 PM on July 22, 2008


I'm sure they all still tasted fine.

They are professional cakes. They tasted like ass. With frosting.
posted by DU at 5:19 PM on July 22, 2008 [3 favorites]


I didn't see this one (discussed here.
posted by maurice at 5:20 PM on July 22, 2008


"All they need is for some woman to fart on them."

erm, is this a reference to a film that i'm missing?


He's refering to this.
posted by homunculus at 5:22 PM on July 22, 2008


The best cakes I have ever had were hideously ugly homemade cakes with unevenly applied icing and a deliciously moist interior.
posted by sonic meat machine at 5:24 PM on July 22, 2008 [2 favorites]


The poo cake, complete with flies, disturbs me.
posted by elfgirl at 5:26 PM on July 22, 2008


They are professional cakes. They tasted like ass. With frosting.

Homemade cakes taste so much better than bakery cakes. Indeed, it's the rare professional cake that doesn't taste like frosting and gypsum board. What happened to bakeries that they can continue to put out this kind of awful crap?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 5:26 PM on July 22, 2008 [1 favorite]


Marie-Antoinette shoulda clicked on these before she opened her mouth
posted by nudar at 5:32 PM on July 22, 2008


There's a bizarre exchange on this post on the blog, in which the author and a commenter both seem to be under the impression that a graphic (if cartoony) image of a woman giving birth (depicted in fondant) is something that would cause "an unprecedented spike in cake orders from teenage males the following week".

Which means that we share this world with people who believe that teenage boys like nothing better than to have the idea of sex linked to disturbingly anatomical details of birth and then mixed up with the sugary deliciousness of cake.
posted by xchmp at 5:35 PM on July 22, 2008 [4 favorites]


This one's great. Reminds me of the Curb Your Enthusiasm episode "Beloved Aunt"
posted by porn in the woods at 5:38 PM on July 22, 2008


"He's refering to this.
posted by homunculus at 1:22 AM on July 23 "


oh good grace. Well, one reason not to go through all the deleted fpp's despite the tempting greasemonkey script.

"I didn't see this one (discussed here.
posted by maurice at 1:20 AM on July 23"


You can see it by clicking on "older posts" on the bottom of the page.
I think the best ones are hiding there.
posted by kolophon at 5:40 PM on July 22, 2008


How is ultracreepy babbycake formed?
posted by aerotive at 5:42 PM on July 22, 2008


Usually I'm all for mocking failure and inadequacy, but there's a certain quality, which I can't quite put my finger on, to the writing here that makes me feel like the author is an unpleasant person. That commenters are told to write 'sh*t' rather than 'shit' in their discussion of the shit-cake doesn't help.
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 5:44 PM on July 22, 2008 [1 favorite]


Not that I could do better, but this one made me giggle all over.
posted by shokod at 5:46 PM on July 22, 2008


...it's the rare professional cake that doesn't taste like frosting and gypsum board.

Even the frosting on some of these store-bought cakes can be pretty awful. I'm not a food snob, but even I shudder when I see one of these show up in the kitchenette at work. They taste like failure, served on a tiny, paper plate.
posted by DU at 5:51 PM on July 22, 2008 [3 favorites]


Hey, that fart-cake is Ray's fetish.
posted by Citizen Premier at 5:52 PM on July 22, 2008


where can i get a blowfish cake? it's incredible!

it's like someone was actually on blow when they created it.

it's genius! i wonder if it actually tastes like fish too?

and the steak cake...wow...
posted by MsCoco@6:58 at 5:53 PM on July 22, 2008


Damn. I really want cake now.
posted by miss lynnster at 5:55 PM on July 22, 2008


I'm no health nut but we always make cakes at home since most of the retail bakeries seem hell-bent on adding hydrogenated oils and 75 different emulsifiers, preservatives, and additives. This is true even of the small-town bakeries / cake shops in the last town I lived in. I actually would be curious to know how common it is to find cakes with SUGAR, EGGS, FLOUR, BUTTER (or non-hydrog. veg. oil for economy) and not much else.
posted by tinkertown at 5:56 PM on July 22, 2008


Oh, I am so copying this idea . My sons' birthdays are 5 months apart, but supermarket cakes keep, right? Maybe in the freezer?
posted by bibliowench at 6:03 PM on July 22, 2008


The Black and White Cake is amazing.
posted by cillit bang at 6:08 PM on July 22, 2008


A little off topic, but thinking about cakes reminds me of Extraordinary Desserts in San Diego. I'd move back there in a moment for their cakes...
posted by matty at 6:20 PM on July 22, 2008


The baby cakes are fucking awesome. WANT BABY IN MOUTH NOW!
posted by mrgrimm at 6:42 PM on July 22, 2008 [1 favorite]


The bakery was so proud of this masterpiece that they refused to refund the birthday girl's family any money - even though she cried at the sight of it.

Notes to self: don't bring your kids along when you pick up the cake, if my kids want a specific style of cake do it my damn self, and don't raise kids who cry when their cake isn't cheerful enough.
posted by davejay at 6:45 PM on July 22, 2008


Incompetence never ceases to be amusing.
posted by kimdog at 6:54 PM on July 22, 2008


if my kids want a specific style of cake do it my damn self

Yeah, my wife does this. Even without special equipment it isn't that hard. Put some frosting in a plastic baggie and cut a corner off to make an applicator. Then just draw/write whatever you want. We've had Maisy, people's names, math equations, acorns and other themes.
posted by DU at 7:02 PM on July 22, 2008


I've been nibbling on various Hostess products for close to 72 hours now AND IFEEL FINE
GIANT ANTs
GIANT ANTS GIANT ANTS
posted by Dizzy at 7:05 PM on July 22, 2008 [1 favorite]


Dear God. I can bake, but am not good with icing, so I just sort of slather/drizzle some on, in a vaguely Jackson Pollock sort of way, and leave it at that. Conversely, other people with my lack of talent decided to go professional. I never realized just how far-reaching a little self-awareness can be.
posted by orange swan at 7:07 PM on July 22, 2008




Wow. I don't think I've ever actually read a blog before and gone "Huh. I KNOW I can do better than that..."

Maybe it really IS time to look into this baking-as-career thing people keep suggesting to me.
posted by FritoKAL at 7:20 PM on July 22, 2008


Apparently I don't know shit about cakes because I thought most of those were fucking awesome.
posted by The Straightener at 7:27 PM on July 22, 2008


This one just killed me.

'Scuse me. I'm dead. Could some one resurrect me with some cake? And a blow job?
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:40 PM on July 22, 2008


Hey. I thought the puffer fish were cute.
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:05 PM on July 22, 2008


Aw, at least give the amateurs a break. At least there's really cake under the icing and fondant. Cool though they may be, half of the cakes I see on Ace of Cakes hardly have any actual cake in them. Styrofoam, wire, pipe, and wood, yes. But cake? Maybe sometimes.
posted by Thorzdad at 8:06 PM on July 22, 2008


Haa, these are funny.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:17 PM on July 22, 2008 [1 favorite]


My favorite was the mohawk baby carrot clone army cake. And I rather like the writing. Maybe I'm just mean-spirited.
posted by ZakDaddy at 8:39 PM on July 22, 2008


I would like to unsee that "Push, Olivia!" cake.

One year I had a Thriller-era Michael Jackson face on my cake. I was pretty impressed with the execution of it.
posted by medeine at 8:43 PM on July 22, 2008


I <3 the puffer fish cakes! You can buy cakes like that at the Bao Bao Bakery in Boston's Chinatown area (self-link to photographic evidence)... I keep meaning to get one, and probably will for my next big-ish party.

A friend of a friend took it upon him/herself to make their own puffer fish cake after someone showed them my picture! Yay puffer fish cakes!

The babies on the carrots, on the other hand, make me doubt my sanity.
posted by rivenwanderer at 9:00 PM on July 22, 2008


What, no love for Sorry I'm so stupid? It's my favorite by far. You just know there's a sad, sad story there.
posted by sugarfish at 9:08 PM on July 22, 2008


I would like to unsee that "Push, Olivia!" cake.

Are you kidding? That's awesome. Likewise the pufferfish cakes.

There's general badness, which many of the cakes display, but a few of the cakes just push boundaries a little bit. The blogger sounds like a priss who can't deal with anything out of the ordinary.
posted by delmoi at 9:41 PM on July 22, 2008


The second page ("older posts") is much, much funnier than the first page. Ye godz, and to think people were paid to make those abominations.
posted by five fresh fish at 9:58 PM on July 22, 2008


Also by the baker who made the baby cake: Gollum, pirate, Millenium Falcon, boobs.

Oh, and, OM NOM NOM BABY.
posted by tits mcgee at 10:00 PM on July 22, 2008


Most disturbing cake I ever saw in person was the first time I ever saw a "novelty cake"... it was for a guy who worked in the office next to me almost exactly 20 years ago. He was a celebrity assistant, the first really flamboyantly, unapologetically gay person I had ever met. I was pretty young and naive at the time, and he invited me into his office for his birthday party. (We had become fast friends because he thought my taste in skirts was faaaabulous.) Anyhow, his friends had gotten him a novelty cake from some specialty shop in Hollywood... I'd never even known such things existed at the time. Basically the cake was a woman's torso from the neck to the thighs, legs spread, with a freakishly dead-on likeness of him coming out of the womb, his icing hands leading the way as his painted sugar face looked into the sunlight for the first time. Let's just say there was a great deal of detail in the execution (and leave it at that). Below his likeness, "Is that you, Ron?" was iced in cursive. As he feasted his eyes upon it, he squealed with giddy delight at how offensive it was. I remember he had a great time threatening to give me a slice of X rated body part and daring me to eat it. (I think he took pity on sweet little me and I ended up just getting a piece of tummy or thigh, though.)

That cake was really the beginning of the end of my youthful innocence and the whole scene is permanently etched into my brain. Still makes me shake my head and laugh to myself. Amazing, the quality shock value of a truly disturbing cake.
posted by miss lynnster at 10:12 PM on July 22, 2008 [3 favorites]


The "Michelle" cakes are remarkable pieces of art, but I'm pretty sure they don't taste great.

And while most crapola slab-o-stale vanilla supermarket bakery cakes do taste awful, I've never met an amateur baker who could produce real layercakes.

Mummm, buttercream.
posted by jrochest at 11:04 PM on July 22, 2008


Thanks for the fun post, kolophon. At my first job, there was a tradition of making horrendously hideous cakes on purpose for office parties. I don't know how it got started (it had been going on way before I arrived) but it was a hoot!
posted by amyms at 12:43 AM on July 23, 2008


Sugarfish: I once got my ex a cookie cake that said, "I'm sorry for being stupid." (I was forgiven on the spot.) I'm equal parts thrilled and pissed off to see that I'm not the only person who's done this.
posted by honeydew at 1:33 AM on July 23, 2008


I'm pretty sure I've seen this guy on Futurama
posted by minifigs at 1:45 AM on July 23, 2008


I stumbled on this cake, which I have uploaded for the singular purpose of this thread. I hope it reflects the skill of the baker as much as they intended it to.

It's been there since the place opened, which is at least a few months, and no-one seems to have either told the shop owner or taken action. Brilliant stuff.
posted by davemee at 1:58 AM on July 23, 2008 [1 favorite]


I wonder how much a cake like this one costs?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 2:04 AM on July 23, 2008


I think the parents of the recipient of the Chuck Norris cake should be spending money on therapy instead of cakes.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 2:29 AM on July 23, 2008


I want to blame Ace of Cakes for the increasing slide into overdecorated pasty nothingness, the genuine niceness of Duff Goldman notwithstanding. The museum where I work hosts an endless, endless parade of hideous wedding rentals and, being poor (I work at a museum), I always raid the kitchen on the day after for leftovers, but when I recognize the glassy, beautiful slickness of a Charm City cake or one of the countless imitators of the style, it goes straight into the trash.

Gorgeous to look at, but lousy to choke down, in large part because they apparently have to bake them extra dry to hold up all the buttercream and other gee-gaws and gimcracks required to make a cake look like a giant Nike sneaker or a replica of the skyline of Singapore. Actually, I can't even blame Charm City, either, as it's really a symptom of the larger cultural disaster of living on a planet that desperately wants to be a global theme park, populated by a wealthy minority of whiny crybabies that feel like they deserve spa bathrooms and fantasy weddings and everyday luxury because they just work so hard down at the cubicle farm and they're just so stressed and because there's just no time to treat yourself right anymore and…well, never mind.

Great link.
posted by sonascope at 5:29 AM on July 23, 2008 [1 favorite]


I made my wife a carrot cake for her birthday. The frosting was not smooth - clearly visible swirls from spreading it around. Hand-lettered "Happy Birthday" on the top. In lieu of frosting carrots I added several paper-thin slices of actual carrot. My attempt to coat the sides with crushed walnuts was admirable but in no way professional.

But you know what? That cake was the bomb. It rocked because (a) I made it myself, for my wife; (b) the frosting was home-made with real butter; (c) it had a full pound of carrots shaved up into it with a Microplane grater; and (b) all cake ingredients were organic (Bob's Red Mill whole wheat pastry flour + fair trade raw unbleached cane sugar).

It isn't about how the cake looks, really. It's about how it tastes. A decent attempt at a nice-looking cake, with good ingredients, wins any day over a picture-perfect cake that tastes like it was made out of plaster and styrofoam.
posted by caution live frogs at 6:29 AM on July 23, 2008


I'm glad to see unnecessary quotation marks have entered every market, bakeries included. There's so much passive-aggressive doubt left unsaid in a cake that says '20th Happy Birthday "Dad"'.

This blog is going in my daily rounds.
posted by spamguy at 7:10 AM on July 23, 2008 [1 favorite]


Homemade cakes taste so much better than bakery cakes. Indeed, it's the rare professional cake that doesn't taste like frosting and gypsum board. What happened to bakeries that they can continue to put out this kind of awful crap?

I hear you, but I also happen to have some fucking outstanding bakeries near me that blow home mades out of the water. In my experience, those awful bakery cakes are made by one of two types of baker:

1. The "Ace of Cakes" variety, where they want it to look like a ferrari or some shit and what's inside is really not the point. These types of bakers should not be able to make a living, imho, but then again neither should Dolce & Gabana or Ambercrombie & Fitch so there you go.

2. Really old dudes. They don't work the counters any more, but they're ancient men who once crafted masterpieces in the days before fat and sugar became the law of the land. And therein lies the rub. Cakes have always been fatty sugary delights, but never like today. Your typical Entenman's can run you an entire day's worth of calories with virtually no nutrition. And hey, that's fine, but it's what people have come to expect from cakes. Professional baking has always been about decadence, but it was the decadence of a solid, quality fudge layer or a liqeur flavoring and things like that. The homemades we all grew up on, the boxed mixes and such (if your mom made from scratch that's another story and good on your mom for being a kick ass baker) substituted that quality of material and richness of flavor with an overabundance of fat and sugar, even by cake standards. That's what we've come to expect.

So when you see that kind of cake that tastes like pasteboard with sand on top (and I hate it, too) it's largely because these guys are from a by gone era. Modern bakers, trained well by people younger than 80, have come to make better cakes than the cake mixes with better ingredients and less of a sugar and fat orgy, but to satisfy a palette that loves that cake mix flavor. If you get a molten chocolate flourless cake from someone who knows how to make it, or something with delicate hazelnut flavoring on a moist light cake, it'll blow your mind. You just have to know where to find it.

disclosure: my brother is a pastry chef, and he rocks, so I'm biased.
posted by shmegegge at 8:25 AM on July 23, 2008 [1 favorite]


medeine : I would like to unsee that "Push, Olivia!" cake.

We've been having a lot of semi-impromptu baby showers at my office the last couple of months, and I can't stop thinking about what kind of reaction someone would have, walking into the office where the cake and presents were, and seeing that cake...

Well, I'm sure it would be really bad.
posted by quin at 8:31 AM on July 23, 2008


The blogger is entirely mistaken, almost all of those cakes are entirely freakin' awesome.
posted by Divine_Wino at 8:42 AM on July 23, 2008


Anybody know what the poo cake says?
posted by solipsophistocracy at 8:55 AM on July 23, 2008


Basically the cake was a woman's torso from the neck to the thighs, legs spread, with a freakishly dead-on likeness of him coming out of the womb...

One thing I forgot to mention. Ron was probably in his mid, maybe late 30s at the time. And so was his likeness. Yep, a full-grown, balding, clearly gay cake-man coming out of a cake-womb.

I'm simultaneously sad and very, very relieved I didn't take a photo of it. Sad because I wish I could scan it in and post it. Relieved that I don't have to see it twice.
posted by miss lynnster at 8:58 AM on July 23, 2008


good blog. i will point out however that in an older post about a spelling error (IT A GRIL), she misused the contraction it's, which sort of undermined her commentary. I suppose she'd have corrected it to "ITS A GIRL"?
posted by gorgor_balabala at 9:25 AM on July 23, 2008


This cake is totally awesome.
posted by mindless progress at 9:45 AM on July 23, 2008 [4 favorites]


If you get a molten chocolate flourless cake from someone who knows how to make it, or something with delicate hazelnut flavoring on a moist light cake, it'll blow your mind.

Nah, this (NSFW) will blow your mind.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:37 AM on July 23, 2008 [1 favorite]


solipsophistocracy, the poo cake just says "shengri kuaile" (happy birthday). It seems to be in traditional Chinese characters, so it's probably from Taiwan. Maybe it's for the owner of that toilet-themed cafe in Taipei.

And thanks to kolophon, a lot of my friends have laughed themselves silly over this blog. Much appreciated. Sometimes lowbrow humor is just what you need.
posted by wintersweet at 10:54 AM on July 23, 2008


Some friends and I got a cake once to celebrate the day of the week. Apparently, that day was "Thrusday".
posted by inigo2 at 11:17 AM on July 23, 2008


Some friends and I got a cake once to celebrate the day of the week. Apparently, that day was "Thrusday".

It was probably the same Thrusday as my friend Sarha's birthday.
posted by danb at 11:46 AM on July 23, 2008


When I was in university I lived with a guy who had a part-time job at a bakery. One afternoon he helped to bake a cake for somebody's 25th wedding anniversary, but a little while before they closed the customer called and, in a voice as cold as ice, told them they wouldn't be needing the cake after all.
posted by The Card Cheat at 2:50 PM on July 23, 2008 [2 favorites]


When I was a kid ( from 7-11), I got--by request--exactly the same birthday cake at my dad's every year.

Cookies'n'Cream Ice Cream Cake from Baskin Robbins. Sounds normal. But it was this crazy monster head with only one ear (with a gummy worm crawling out of it, natch), flies climbing out of the nose, etc etc.

That was the best goddamn cake ever.

Well.. except for this. Dufflet Rosenberg is a goddess amongst women.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 6:33 PM on July 23, 2008


« Older Lifetime, wow!   |   The Historic American Sheet Music archive Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments



Post