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July 24, 2008 8:41 AM   Subscribe

New Zealand judge makes Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii a ward of the court.

A nine year-old NZ girl has been made a ward of the court so she can change her name from Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii to something less embarrassing. Any suggestions?

Meanwhile, let us pray In God We Trust does not roll his bus.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium (167 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
"In his written ruling, he said names such as Stallion, Yeah Detroit, Fish and Chips, Twisty Poi, Keenan Got Lucy and Sex Fruit were prohibited by registration officials. Others that were permitted included twins called Benson and Hedges, other children called Midnight Chardonnay, Number 16 Bus Shelter and, the judge added, 'tragically, Violence.'"
posted by ericb at 8:45 AM on July 24, 2008


I went to summer camp with a kid named "Justin Case."
posted by ericb at 8:46 AM on July 24, 2008


Unfortunately, she's changing her name to "The Artist Formerly Known as Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii."
posted by ColdChef at 8:46 AM on July 24, 2008 [8 favorites]


Sex Fruit is such a great name. Happy birth day deaaaaar Seeeeeex Fruuuuuuuuuit, happy birthday to youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
posted by Divine_Wino at 8:50 AM on July 24, 2008


I taught a girl named Candy Rabbit. There was a guy in her class named Randy Cain. I thought they should marry just for the name change.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 8:50 AM on July 24, 2008 [4 favorites]


Insert anecdote of friend who's a teacher who TOTALLY had a kid named "Shithead" in their class but it was pronounced Shi Theed. Totally true, I swear.
posted by inigo2 at 8:50 AM on July 24, 2008


I've just been reading Jack Vance's The Dying Earth, and whenever I read something like this I have to stop myself from looking out the window to check if the sun's going out.
posted by JHarris at 8:51 AM on July 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


I taught a girl named Candy Rabbit. There was a guy in her class named Randy Cain. I thought they should marry just for the name change.

Traditional: Candy Cain.

Non-traditional: Randy Rabbit.

Either way, both are great!
posted by ericb at 8:52 AM on July 24, 2008 [3 favorites]


She told people her name was K

Why didn't she tell people her name was just Talula?

Sex Fruit

More of a description than a name, no?

the judge added, 'tragically, Violence.'"

Am I alone in thinking that Violence would be about the coolest name ever? "Hi, I'm Smith. Violence Danger Smith."

Which would give you the ability to say, "Danger is my middle name... But Violence is my first" right before you punched someone out. It's like the most perfect action-hero name ever conceived.
posted by quin at 8:53 AM on July 24, 2008 [22 favorites]


> In his written ruling, he said names such as Stallion, Yeah Detroit, Fish and Chips, Twisty Poi, Keenan Got Lucy and Sex Fruit were prohibited by registration officials.

Anyone who would try to name their child Sex Fruit should be forcibly sterilized.
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:55 AM on July 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


Are we derailing into a "I knew a kid called"?

Cool. My brother went to school with a girl called Theresa Green and a boy called Richard Head (who was always 'Rich')...
posted by twine42 at 8:56 AM on July 24, 2008


> It's like the most perfect action-hero name ever conceived.

It's taken.
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:57 AM on July 24, 2008


How can they in good conscious permit "Number 16 Bus Shelter", which is a rubbish name, but prohibit "Yeah Detroit", which is the greatest name?

This is where I would normally link to the birth announcement of "KaGet Puzzy", but it's been unpublished from all internets. You'll just have to believe me. Have "Demanding Blessing Jesus Mackson" instead.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:57 AM on July 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


It's like the most perfect action-hero name ever conceived.

Just nudges out Dewfeel Lucky?
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 8:57 AM on July 24, 2008


Sex Fruit
More of a description than a name, no?


So, shall we offer a prize to the first kid called "Crotch Dropping"?
posted by twine42 at 8:58 AM on July 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


the judge should be hammered on this, he doesn't have the right to do this... These people need a better lawyer..

that said, I knew a girl named April Showers...
posted by HuronBob at 8:58 AM on July 24, 2008


The full Tragically Violence rings sweeter to me. Plus, I've always wanted an adverbial name—it's living dangerously.
posted by carsonb at 8:59 AM on July 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


Yeah Detroit would have grown up to be a geophysicist/prog rocker who unlocked a quicksand portal to the Quartz Domain.

And incidentally, an adverbial name is the coolest idea I've ever heard of.
posted by ictow at 9:00 AM on July 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


It's a little known fact about Batman, but this is exactly why he took Robin on as his ward. Before he changed it to Dick Grayson, the poor boy was named Whizbang Poopmellowson.
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:00 AM on July 24, 2008


My coworker unfortunately had a niece named... "Vuh-Gee-Nuh" spelled....you guess it:
Vagina.

She was apparently too scared to tell her sister what that actually spelled....
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 9:02 AM on July 24, 2008


it's living dangerously.

I had a couple of co-workers with the last name of Lee who were pregnant with a girl. I tried desperately to get them to name her Liv Dangerous Lee. My premise was that Liv Lee is a nice sounding name, and when she's older she will have a fantastically bad-ass name to impress her friends.

He wouldn't go for it, but the mom was -><- this close.
posted by quin at 9:07 AM on July 24, 2008 [7 favorites]


Went to elementary school with a kid named Wayne Dwop. For about five minutes. I have a feeling Wayne changed schools a lot.

Anyhow, if the whole world was Venezuela, stories like this would be nipped in the bud.
posted by miss lynnster at 9:07 AM on July 24, 2008 [2 favorites]


The only weird name I've ever coveted... I know someone named Crystal Lemon. Man, I love that name.
posted by miss lynnster at 9:09 AM on July 24, 2008


I worked with a woman who named her daughter Assump3ta. The 3 was silent.
posted by goatdog at 9:09 AM on July 24, 2008


I wanted to name my kid Tallulah, but, like, Tallulah Grace or something.

Mr. padraigin said no, it was weird. When I got a cool old VW he encouraged me to name THAT Tallulah instead.

Now I have a daughter named Mary. But her friends? They're named things like Anouk. My poor kid got shafted into the single most common feminine name in Western history.

I sold Tallulah the car when I was about six months pregnant with my second daughter. I suggested that now the name was freed up and perhaps Mr. padraigin was more sensitized to cool old lady names. He said no, because now it was a CAR NAME. Kid #2 ended up being named the second most common feminine name in Western history: Margaret.

Because, I mean, if you're going to settle, settle big.
posted by padraigin at 9:10 AM on July 24, 2008 [4 favorites]


Penistopher Terwhimplecrap...

The more I hear about New Zealand the more fascinating (perhaps, terrifying) it sounds to be. When Last Tango in Paris was finally released there, they showed it in segregated theatres, including a university theatre that showed it segregated by a rope down the centre aisle!

And yet now they have someone who was going to have been called Sex Fruit...
posted by opsin at 9:11 AM on July 24, 2008


My wife had a client many years ago whose parents named her Ghana Ria
posted by buggzzee23 at 9:12 AM on July 24, 2008


Another mother tried to use text language for her child's name, he said.

It's so unfortunate when parents try to put their children in the straitjacket of a combinatorial alphabet.
posted by DU at 9:12 AM on July 24, 2008


Also, I knew a guy in high school that we just called "Boner" which was his last name. First name: Richard. The really strange part was that that was his dad's name too. Break the cycle, people.
posted by DU at 9:14 AM on July 24, 2008


The lawyer said the girl feared being mocked and teased, and had a better insight about the situation than her parents, who appeared not to have given any thought to implications of giving their child such a name.

Indeed.

As local blogger said regarding a similar (but less obviously braindead) local case, there's a paradox in these attempts to come up with the most unique name for your kid that you can possibly think of; instead of giving your kids the freedom to define themselves and invent their own identity, they'll spend their formative years constantly being reminded about how incredibly clever and ironical and self-absorbed their parents are. It's like reading Rushdie.
posted by effbot at 9:14 AM on July 24, 2008 [2 favorites]


Fruit Chan.
posted by you just lost the game at 9:15 AM on July 24, 2008


I am reminded of the unfortunate case of Encyclopedia Brown v. Henry and Doris Brown. Tragic, really.
posted by yhbc at 9:16 AM on July 24, 2008 [8 favorites]


> The full Tragically Violence rings sweeter to me.

It's "tragically, Violence" in the news article, and if you think it's hard to get a telephone operator to transcribe a hyphenated name correctly, try nonstandard capitalization and a comma.
posted by ardgedee at 9:17 AM on July 24, 2008 [2 favorites]


Benson and Hedges is pretty funny - singly the kids would just have those daft surname-as-first-name type monikers, only when together would the true wonder of their naming be revealed.


And I can't help but imagine all these kids coincidentally ending up at the same primary school.

John?

Yes Miss!

Paul?

Yes Miss!

Uh, Violence?

Yes Miss!

Sex Friut?

Here!

posted by jack_mo at 9:19 AM on July 24, 2008


I was so hoping Talula Does the Hula from Hawaii was a porno film.
posted by grounded at 9:19 AM on July 24, 2008


Swear to all heaven, I went to college with a Barbara Dwyer. And she did go by Barb.
posted by cereselle at 9:21 AM on July 24, 2008


Encyclopedia Brown v. Henry and Doris Brown.

I was going to correct you by noting his real first name, which I believe his parents (or at least mom) used, but it turns out to be "Leroy". So....carry on with that lawsuit.
posted by DU at 9:24 AM on July 24, 2008 [2 favorites]


If I interpret this story correctly, the parents refused to compromise on Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii's comedy name, even when threated with losing custody. While lulzy, this automatically shows them to be unfit parents.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 9:25 AM on July 24, 2008


But her friends? They're named things like Anouk.

Khamir is the one I run by all potential babymamas.
posted by carsonb at 9:25 AM on July 24, 2008


Any suggestions?

How about "John"?
posted by sour cream at 9:27 AM on July 24, 2008


I'll see your Fruit Chan and raise you a Banana Yoshimoto.
posted by Faint of Butt at 9:28 AM on July 24, 2008


Well, there goes my idea. Surfer Rosa if it's a girl. Gulab Jamun is it's a boy.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:29 AM on July 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


Bah. These parents trying to prove their nonconformity at their kid's expense - fuck them.

I don't have a punned or nontraditional name, but my mother decided to
a) Conflate two conventional spellings of my first name,
b) Give me an amazingly trendy middle name - which isn't even a goddamn human name but a freaking river,
c) Misspell that middle name and
d) Call me by that middle name, with the logic that if I hate my middle name, then I can easily change it back to the first (and then refusing to call my by my first name when I tried to do so in third grade).

So my least favorite question in the world is "What's your name?"

She'll get my sympathy when her parents start making her go by "Does the Hulla."
posted by bibliowench at 9:31 AM on July 24, 2008


Another mother tried to use text language for her child's name

Odin Magnus Geoffrey Welles The Fourth, Bbq.
posted by carsonb at 9:32 AM on July 24, 2008 [5 favorites]


Self link: Great Old Names
posted by ColdChef at 9:32 AM on July 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


Violence is sick.
I expect he will be well enough to attend school tomorrow.

Yours Truly,

Iona Brothel
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:34 AM on July 24, 2008 [3 favorites]


Also: Fannie Sample, Emma Tate, and I. B. Horne.
posted by ColdChef at 9:34 AM on July 24, 2008




I suspect "Number 16 Bus Shelter" was in loving tribute to the place where the child was conceived after that "special" dinner at Burger King.
posted by Mike D at 9:39 AM on July 24, 2008 [2 favorites]


So my least favorite question in the world is "What's your name?"

Yeah, I get funny looks, too, when I say it's "sour cream".
posted by sour cream at 9:41 AM on July 24, 2008


When my ex was pregnant with our daughter and people asked us what we wanted to name the baby, I'd say "Harpo if it's a boy and Medusa if it's a girl." It was a girl, and we named her Kira.

I had a friend in high school named Houston Jeremiah Rabbitt. Poor guy. Even his nickname, Jed, didn't save him from ridicule.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 9:42 AM on July 24, 2008


I've often thought that, regardless of gender, I would name my child Tarzan Roachclip. Think about it -- in grade school, they could go by Tarzan, and be the most popular kid in school, and then, when they get to Jr. High, they switch to their middle name, and BOOM, popular all the way through high school.

This made a lot more sense in the Seventies.
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:43 AM on July 24, 2008 [2 favorites]


Your title is fucking brilliant, wgp.

Thanks.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:48 AM on July 24, 2008


My Name is Tallulah is my daughter's favorite song at the moment. I remember reading this past year about a Chinese couple that tried to name their baby "@". And I really did go to school with a Michael Hunt. We were in the Cub Scouts together.
posted by Sailormom at 9:53 AM on July 24, 2008


The best name ever would be Max Power. It feels good in your ear!

Ima Hogg, no so good.

I went to school with Penny Nichols.
posted by Daddy-O at 10:00 AM on July 24, 2008




Had a friend named Clifford Leeper.

Some siblings I went to school with?

Truly Gold, Shirley Silver, and Justin Cooper.

Then there was the brother and sister pair of Sky and Storm. (Last name escapes me.)

But the best EVER?

Three brothers my stepfather used to teach...

Hermen.





Thermen.





(wait for it....)




(wait for it....)



Vermen.
posted by Samizdata at 10:01 AM on July 24, 2008


I'll see your Fruit Chan and raise you a Banana Yoshimoto.

It's my understanding that the "Banana" part was self-selected as a pen name.

But onward: my grandfather's name was "Revilo Oliver [last name]". What's Revilo? ....What's Oliver spelled backwards? Grandpa hated it -- he went by his initials ("Row").

My best friend in Kindergarten was named "Krishna." Her parents were not hippies, nor were they Hindi. Apparently they'd seen the name in an article about sled dogs and thought it was pretty (before then they were thinking of "Dulcinea"). She later had a brother named Theoden (yes, after the king of Rohan) and a sister named Guinnevere. Krishna now has two kids of her own, and I believe their names are Daedelus and Portia.

I once met a guy whose name was, and all present swore to this, "Cantad Hoopachu Svensgard." The only explanation he gave was "my parents were hippies, and each one blames the other one. His friends called him "Hoopie."

But see, the thing is, there are conditions in which normal names can be sources of teasing: my father's name is "Richard," but he goes by "Dick." ....And my mother's name is "Jane."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:02 AM on July 24, 2008


Oh, and now all I can think of is the old Monty Python sketch where they discuss the life of the unknown German composer, Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfernschplendenschlittercrasscrenbonfrieddiggerdangledongleburstein von knacker-thrasherapplebangerhorowitzticolensicgranderknottyspelltinklegrandlichgrumblemeyer-spelterwasserkürstlichhimbleeisenbahnwagengutenabendbitteeinenürnburgerbratwustle-gerspurtenmitzweimacheluberhundsfutgumberabershönendankerkalbsfleischmittlerraucher von Hautkopft of Ulm.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:07 AM on July 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


I taught a girl named Candy Rabbit. There was a guy in her class named Randy Cain. I thought they should marry just for the name change.

A girl in my HS class was named Candace Cain.

She probably would have taken more grief if the sign over the door to the local Rexall drugstore didn't read "Hyman J. Doodlesack, Prop."
posted by Kirth Gerson at 10:09 AM on July 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


Oh, and I know a girl who named her daughter Pandora. That is like naming your kid Disaster.

And I know another girl who was considering Mephistopheles as a name for her son. Fortunately she has a girl named Abigail instead.
posted by Daddy-O at 10:09 AM on July 24, 2008


The best name ever would be Max Power

I worked with a guy named Max Paradise.
posted by carsonb at 10:10 AM on July 24, 2008


One time I checked a woman's ID, only to find that she was legally named "Babydoll." I'm not sure whether I hope that she changed it to that herself, or was born that way.

Also, none of these names seem to be showing up on the Baby Name Voyager. Strange.
posted by Who_Am_I at 10:12 AM on July 24, 2008


Yeah Detroit would have grown up to be a geophysicist/prog rocker who unlocked a quicksand portal to the Quartz Domain

Quicksand Portal and Quartz Domain are good names too.
posted by Meatbomb at 10:16 AM on July 24, 2008


Perfect timing for this article. The flight attendant on my plane yesterday was named Aquanetta.
posted by Bluecoat93 at 10:18 AM on July 24, 2008


Number 16 Bus Shelter

If you're going to name the kid after the place they were conceived, try something slightly less specific?

Or you could take the opposite, add more detail in the middle name so we know what bench not to sit on.
posted by chrominance at 10:27 AM on July 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


William IX of Aquitaine's long-time mistress was named Dangereuse, which I have always thought was the coolest name ever, particularly for a sexy mistress!

if I had twin girls I would absolutely name them Scylla and Charybdis. but I'm not having children so don't worry!

Pandora = awesome girl's name!!!

guy, you should have done it!!!!

posted by supermedusa at 10:27 AM on July 24, 2008


'tragically, Violence.'

Much better than plain 'Violence'. In fact, I suggest that every name be predicated with an adverb.

"My name? Yes, it's Smith. Predictably John Smith."
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 10:29 AM on July 24, 2008 [3 favorites]


For what it's worth, we're not having any more kids but if we do, I secured full naming rights. I've already decided if we have a boy, it'll be Elvis, and if another girl, Tallulah Elvis.

I'm so not kidding about this, to the extent that Mr. padraigin is willing to undergo minor surgery to ensure that it never happens.
posted by padraigin at 10:30 AM on July 24, 2008 [2 favorites]


Charming Ho. You can be her friend on Facebook.
posted by grounded at 10:36 AM on July 24, 2008


Remember Aryan Justice?
posted by optovox at 10:37 AM on July 24, 2008


many years ago: i worked with candy cain who, yes, YES! did modeling on the side.

at another job, we passed around an enrollment card for olive pitts.

one of my co-worker's sons named his cats 'sex' and 'violence,' only to rename them sax & violins after the birth of their first child who had a common, everyday name.

and, of course, Ian Donald Calvin Euclid Zappa got quite upset as a youngster when he found out his real name, per his birth certificate, was Ian Donald Calvin Euclid Zappa. his parents allowed him to legally change it to dweezil, which is what the family had been calling him anyway.
posted by msconduct at 10:37 AM on July 24, 2008


I'd like to add the following (supposedly real) names:
Chris Peacock
Rain Dancing on Still Water (I met her brother, Tree: parents believed to be hippies)

and a Scottish classic:
Pocohontas McGinty, supposedly from Paisley.
posted by imperium at 10:41 AM on July 24, 2008


I had a student...Precious Johnson. Yeah, reports were that she was pretty skanky, too.
posted by notsnot at 10:41 AM on July 24, 2008


Hmmm. I wonder if one could come up with an equivalent to Godwin's law about "funny name" threads? As the funny name thread increases, the probability that someone will claim to "know someone who knew someone called Lemongello and/or Orangello" approaches 1?

Oops--did I just Lemongello this thread?

I wonder if "Vah-gee-nuh" (see above) would count?
posted by yoink at 10:45 AM on July 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


I used to work with identical twins named Morningstar and Eveningstar. They were really cool.
posted by peep at 10:46 AM on July 24, 2008


padraigin: For what it's worth, if you check out the SSA data, both Mary and Margaret are not very common names at all. In 2007, they were 93rd and 173rd respectively.

Names that sound popular to adult ears now are not going to sound like popular names when your kids are older. Margaret is going to stand out plenty next to all the Emmas, Madisons, Sophias, and Hannahs.
posted by malphigian at 10:55 AM on July 24, 2008


Swear to all heaven, I went to college with a Barbara Dwyer. And she did go by Barb.

She was my grade 8 English teacher. The principal at the same school was Ray Gunn. We had lots of hippy names, being a middle-class left-leaning bush city - I knew Rainee Webber, Leaf Rose Green, Portia Klio Andromeda Herbert-Funk (trips off the tongue, try it aloud), Sunny, Sunnee and Sani (unrelated), and the neighbour kids were Kashmir and Beau Brummel. As an adult, though, I think I react to 'funny' names a lot less - probably just more exposure to people from all over the world, a lot of the African people I know have funny English-language names and I couldn't do my job if I found every name as hilarious as I did at first.

Still, why couldn't the girl in the article just go with Talula?
posted by goo at 10:59 AM on July 24, 2008


My wife went to school with a girl named 'Treasure'.

About eight years back she served us wings at Hooters.
posted by WinnipegDragon at 11:14 AM on July 24, 2008


Names that sound popular to adult ears now are not going to sound like popular names when your kids are older.

Yeah, this is very true. When my brother and I were born my mother gave us both equally unpopular (at the time) names. His quickly became a very common name while mine remained relatively rare, until recently. Now I hear of lots of little kids with my name, and indeed according to the app that I linked before my name has become exponentially more popular in the last 10 years. Meanwhile my grandmother's name (Betty) is all but extinct, despite it's previous popularity.
posted by Who_Am_I at 11:17 AM on July 24, 2008


Dick Aho.... that's Aayho or he'll punch your face in...
posted by geos at 11:20 AM on July 24, 2008


the second most common feminine name in Western history: Margaret.

At least she has the second most variants to choose from (after Elisabeth): Marge, Mag, Margy, Peg, Peggy...
posted by StickyCarpet at 11:31 AM on July 24, 2008


Bah. These parents trying to prove their nonconformity at their kid's expense - fuck them.

Whereas parents who give their kids good traditional names and baptize/indoctrinate their children before they are independently sentient are given the keys to the kingdom of heaven, of course.

Parents should be able to name their children whatever the fuck they want. Children should then be able to change their names at the age of 16 or whatever your local age of consent is.

She told people her name was K

Why didn't she tell people her name was just Talula?


EXACTLY. There's obviously more to the story here than just the name.

Anecdata: In college, a girl next dorm over was named Midnight Toker. She changed it legally from Rachel Toker. "(Rachel"?! Stupid fucking parents.)

Oh, and I know a girl who named her daughter Pandora. That is like naming your kid Disaster.

To be fair, isn't "Pandora" the Greek stand-in/scapegoat for "Eve," i.e. the first woman who was blamed for bringing all of the sin into the world? On second thought, maybe not. In any way, I think it's a sweet name.

I wanted to name my daughter Eris (personification of chaos) or Bia (personification of force/violence). Mythological names are cool, imo.
posted by mrgrimm at 11:32 AM on July 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


My parents thought they were giving me a relatively uncommon name when they named me.

There were five people with my name in my 500 student high school, which I believe made it the most common male name in the highschool. Two others were in my year, and to make things worse, are both my friends.

Parties can get confusing sometimes.
posted by Caduceus at 11:34 AM on July 24, 2008


Bret Hart's brother Smith named his daughter "Satanic Ecstasy."
posted by jtron at 11:37 AM on July 24, 2008


And incidentally, an adverbial name is the coolest idea I've ever heard of.

You have got to see this movie!
posted by carsonb at 11:39 AM on July 24, 2008


Names have power. A kid can take strength from his or her name just because it's the same as some hero or character just as easily as they can take ridicule for having it rhyme with Booger.

So while my kids' first names will be fairly standard ones, picked to please relatives and given them something normal to cling on to in what will likely be a very chaotic upbringing, I have decided that my first born son's middle name shall be "Muscles" while my daughter's middle name will be "Awesome". I do not expect to have to worry about a third name as the court will very quickly take little Muscles or Awesome away to rebrand them a Bob or Jane or something.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:43 AM on July 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


I once taught swimming to a set of autistic twins named Nathaniel and Sebastian. Pretty normal, right?

Except that their mother (who was rather odd herself) decided that they should be called by more familiar versions of their names. So Nathaniel became Nat. Fine. Sebastian became Basti. Not Seb, or Bas or even Seabas, but Basti.

Naturally, in my own drug and booze addled brain (I was a lifeguard) they immediately became Nasty and Bat. They probably wouldn't have noticed, but I think I did slip up in front of the mom once.


I also had a gym teacher in high school named Clark Kent Pulford. Total dick.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:53 AM on July 24, 2008


I had a friend in high school named Mike Hawk, we blamed the oversight on account of his parents being Canadian.


But you're all gonna back me up when I need to convince my future wife to name our kids Tiff and Jpeg, right?
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 11:54 AM on July 24, 2008


bibliowench: Is your name Shanon Tweade [something]? Cause that would be awesome. Especially if your last name was Thames.

Daddy-O: I lobbied very hard for our second child to be named Pandora if it was a girl. Actually, I lobbied pretty hard for it for the first as well, which was a girl, but I lost. I lost the second time around too, but it was a boy so it turned out to be irrelevant. However, we picked out a girl name as well, so if there's another, and that one's a girl, she'll probably be stuck with the unused girl name.

But if there is a fourth, and that one is also a girl, and the third was a girl too (thereby having used the other name) I am totally going to any length up to and including filling in the birth certificate paperwork myself while my wife is unconscious on the birthing bed to make sure her name is Pandora.

(Incidentally, I was originally shooting for Pandora Eve, but even I have come to agree that would probably be taken the wrong way.*)

Although now that I know there is at least one other Pandora somewhere, I'm cooling slightly. Tragically Violence has a nice ring to it.

-------------------------

* The idea behind both is to celebrate the feminist and humanist interpretations of the two respective myths. Both feature women who refused to shut up and do what they were told, and were punished and vilified beyond all reasonable bounds. Both myths are also traditionally viewed through a clearly misogynistic lens, and pretty easy to recast in a different light if your main project is not to point out that all women are evil. I figured a girl bearing those two names would be curious pretty early on what they meant, and might come to a quicker understanding of the historical forces she's up against.

Or just hate me, I suppose.
posted by rusty at 11:54 AM on July 24, 2008


As previously discussed, I am not one to make fun of anyone's unfortunate first name. The experience of having a conspicuous name is entirely what you make of it, though. You can grow from it and use it to be a stronger, more individualistic person or take the other route, be a victim, and let it ruin your life. Your call in the end. It's a test, if you will. But after many years, I now actually feel it was better that I experienced a bit of that struggle than to have lived my whole life with the most boring name ever, never standing out. I kind of embrace it as something that, at an early age, began to make me who I am. And I'm thankful for that. I still don't really go by it, but I don't fight it. I've embraced it in my heart, really. As a matter of fact, amidst my dad's stuff I just found an old bowling trophy from 1958 that belonged to the woman I was named after. I immediately coveted it, and it's going right on my mantle. It says "Wilda Garrett -- CHAMP."
posted by miss lynnster at 11:58 AM on July 24, 2008


rusty,

Why not Cassandra?

Personally, if I had a daughter I think I would want to name her Drusilla or Lucretia.

I'd name my son either Siddhartha (which shortens nicely into "Sid") or Iggy.

I'm a bastard.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:02 PM on July 24, 2008


I remember Number 16 Busstop. I believe it was a reference to where she was conceived.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 12:12 PM on July 24, 2008


There used to be a commissioner in Washington County (Oregon) named Dick Porn. Why he never went with Richard...
posted by strangeleftydoublethink at 12:12 PM on July 24, 2008


TheWhiteSkull: Cassandra was kind of pathetic wasn't she? I mean, always right but no one ever listened in time? Not exactly the greatest superpower ever.

Lucretia's not bad, but I have some personal associations with that name that rule it out. As, uh, unlikely as I now realize that sounds. Really!
posted by rusty at 12:13 PM on July 24, 2008


I blame the Cold War for killing off a lot of old, cool, slightly menacing names. When was the last time you met an Igor? Or a Boris? Or even an Ivan?
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:13 PM on July 24, 2008


Reminds me of the old Disney movie where two parents in Germany were listening to the list of approved baby names.

"Let's see, Charles, William, Adolph, das es good one, no?"

"Actually, we were thinking about Alfred..."

"ES IST VERBOTEN!"
posted by Citizen Premier at 12:17 PM on July 24, 2008


For what it's worth, if you check out the SSA data, both Mary and Margaret are not very common names at all.

Ah, but if you check the entire past two thousand and eight years or so of Eurocentric history...

At least she has the second most variants to choose from (after Elisabeth): Marge, Mag, Margy, Peg, Peggy.


We went with "Daisy".
posted by padraigin at 12:17 PM on July 24, 2008


imperium writes "Rain Dancing on Still Water"

I know quite a few first nations people, these kind of names are common. Including a couple of brothers I did quite a bit of hunting with named Bear and Cougar.

Caduceus writes "There were five people with my name in my 500 student high school, which I believe made it the most common male name in the highschool. Two others were in my year, and to make things worse, are both my friends.

"Parties can get confusing sometimes."


My father has a common 50s name and at one time ran a towing business with another guy with the same name. Always fun when the unfamiliar called B&B Towing looking to speak to Bob.
posted by Mitheral at 12:22 PM on July 24, 2008


I shudder to think that any judge has the right to take a kid away from her family because he disapproves of what her parents named her.

Will the foster system treat her better if her name is boring? I doubt it, but you never know.

Also, what miss lynnster said.
posted by small_ruminant at 12:24 PM on July 24, 2008


This far in, and still no mention of NH Rep. Dick Sweat?
posted by SpiffyRob at 12:29 PM on July 24, 2008


"Actually it's only spelled Raymond Luxury Yacht. It's pronounced Throat-Warbler Mangrove."
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 12:32 PM on July 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


I was just about to post this. Jerk.

Though it does look like no one has yet posted the tidbit that in Iceland, there is a government approved list of names. If you want to name your child something NOT on that list, you have to receive special dispensation. Of course, this creates the problem of knowing three people with the same name, especially as the patronymic system creates a dearth of original last names.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 12:32 PM on July 24, 2008


Oh, also, I went to elementary school with a kid named Pat Matush.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 12:38 PM on July 24, 2008


When was the last time you met an Igor? Or a Boris? Or even an Ivan?

I worked for an Ivan a few years ago.

My favorite is the guy I knew for a while named Attila. He was Hungarian.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 12:43 PM on July 24, 2008


EmpressCallipygos: I once met a guy whose name was, and all present swore to this, "Cantad Hoopachu Svensgard." The only explanation he gave was "my parents were hippies, and each one blames the other one. His friends called him "Hoopie."

Is he a hoopy frood?


TheWhiteSkull: I also had a gym teacher in high school named Clark Kent Pulford. Total dick.

Surprising no one.
posted by Pronoiac at 12:47 PM on July 24, 2008


I work sometimes with a Russian guy named Vladimir who goes by "Vlad" naturally enough, but dude!! Vlad!
posted by supermedusa at 12:49 PM on July 24, 2008


I work sometimes with a Russian guy named Vladimir who goes by "Vlad" naturally enough, but dude!! Vlad!

If I was a guy named Vlad, I would SO use that as an excuse to just walk around impaling inanimate stuff on a whim. Like, picking up a pencil and stabbing it into an orange during meetings, totally straight faced and without missing a beat in the conversation. People who had just met me would be like, what the HELL? But nobody else would bat an eye. They'd be used to it and assure the new person it was perfectly normal.

Because, dude, my name's Vlad. That's just what I do. It's my legacy.
posted by miss lynnster at 12:56 PM on July 24, 2008


I once met a guy named Arthur King. My very first thought was "He must hate filling out forms that are last-name first."

That's all I got. Sorry.

No wait -- I met a 8-year old named "Max" a couple years back. I spent weeks assuming his name was something traditional but unwieldy like "Maximilian," but it turned out to be "Maximus." Awesome name for an eight-year old, especially if he grows up to be a circus strongman or something.
posted by faster than a speeding bulette at 1:00 PM on July 24, 2008


Really? No Dick Trickle reference? Well, then allow me to truck that out.

Also, went on a blind date with a Candy Hull once. It did not go well.

Oh, and I work with "Johnny Wang", "Philippe Wang" and "Dick King." The unintentional pornography trifecta.
posted by davejay at 1:08 PM on July 24, 2008


Still, why couldn't the girl in the article just go with Talula?

In my school, full names were mandatory for yearbook pictures and assembly programs and stuff, so she wouldn't have been able to keep it hidden; perhaps her school is the same way. That, plus teachers are people too, and would likely gossip behind her back or, if she was misbehaving, truck it out to shame and embarrass her.

of course, I went to a school where one teacher threw tennis and golf balls at kids to get them to shut up, and he used a boat paddle on some kids as well -- and he was the best teacher I had!
posted by davejay at 1:12 PM on July 24, 2008


Whereas parents who give their kids good traditional names and baptize/indoctrinate their children before they are independently sentient are given the keys to the kingdom of heaven, of course.

My parents did the latter as well. Believe me, it was easier to leave the church behind than to leave the name.

Look, I'm not saying that unusual or non-traditional names are bad, and they're probably more common now than in the past. Thinking back over the names in my son's kindergarten class, no one had the same name, and no one had a name that I recognized from my own former classmates. Hell, I haven't met a young Jennifer in years, but I can count at least 12 of them that I knew growing up. And so it's harder to pinpoint what's a unusual name and what's not.

But "Sex Fruit" would still stand out. It's when parents try to get cute - whether it's willful misspellings in my case, aural puns or random, often embarrassing nouns - without maybe stopping to think about how this choice is going to affect their children way into the future. Names are not intrinsic, but they're one of the first components of our identity, and it's a mistake to think they can be so casually brushed off.

I'd like to change my name, but first of all, I'm used to it, and second, so is everyone who has ever known me. And third, it's just a complication I don't need. I'm sick of forgetting which name the Y or my doctor's office has for me. I'm sick of having to spell what should be amazingly common names. I'm sick of getting extra attention at the airport if I fucked up and bought the name that I've been called since birth on my ticket. And yeah, I've got issues, but I'd have a lot more if my name was not just illogical but intentionally stupid. So this little whim parents have to reaffirm their nonconformity through their kid's names can have lasting repercussions.
posted by bibliowench at 1:14 PM on July 24, 2008


I have a relatively uncommon first name (Reed) that seems to be much more common as a last name. People, even people I know pretty well, misspell it all the time - replacing one of the e's (doesn't matter which) with an i. It's not an interesting name, just unusual. And, of course, was subject to all sorts of insults in elementary school ("Hey Reed, can you read LOLAMIRITE"). It's also led to some confusion because it's pronounced exactly the same as that very common verb.

But I think that toughing it out with an uncommon and easy to make fun of name has made me a better person, and I'm always interested in people with interesting/unusual names. I always want to name my kids something cool, but my girlfriend has already flat-out forbidden some of my suggestions, including my personal favorite: "Tobias Snurd" (named after my parents' cat).

But holy crap, am I ever going to campaign for "Dangereuse", either as a first or middle name. The fact that it has obscure historical basis makes it even more awesome.
posted by malthas at 1:17 PM on July 24, 2008


Also, what miss lynnster said.

Well, not that having an unusual name didn't SUCK ROCKS for the first 15 years or so. Because Lord Almighty IT DID. I'm just over it now.
posted by miss lynnster at 1:19 PM on July 24, 2008


I've mentioned this on MeFi before, but when I was a kid I took ballet classes with Phoebe Summersquash, which is still one of my favorite names.

Also, my sister had some Navajo students with great names, including Bo Bubba Yazzie and Ringo Van Winkle Jr.

As for Pandora, I can never hear that name without thinking of the LiveJournal trainwreck known as MissRavenX, who named her daughter Pandora Astraea Radagast Annextiomarus Dalía Ondine Xeziriq Amethyst because the initials spell Paradoxal. Poor baby!
posted by Biblio at 1:25 PM on July 24, 2008


I college I worked in the dining hall with a Melody Bell. I hope that if she ever got married she didn't take her husband's last name.
posted by tommasz at 1:32 PM on July 24, 2008


OK, I mean it. I worked with a guy named Dick Handler.
And when I worked in a program for Southeast Asian refugees, there was a casefile named My Long Dong, though I don't know if that was the correct order of his names.
posted by etaoin at 1:43 PM on July 24, 2008


Then there is Major Major Major Major. Sure... not a real person and the first Major is a title, and his mother though he was named Caleb, but a most endearing hopeless character.
posted by brolloks at 1:48 PM on July 24, 2008


I used to work in child development research, and the names we used to come across for children had us rolling. Sometimes it was actually difficult to address the kids without cracking up. The one we got the most laughs out of was Jesus. Not Hey-sus, mind you, Jesus. He went by 'G'. He was a holy terror.
posted by threeturtles at 2:12 PM on July 24, 2008


It's not me that can't spell your name right, kid. It's your parents. Get over it.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 2:16 PM on July 24, 2008


I went to high school with brothers named Om and Cosmo; their last name was Buffalo. They were hilarious, which I think is the best way to deal with having hippies for parents.
posted by moonlet at 2:32 PM on July 24, 2008


All this talk of crazy names reminds me of a story.

Many, many years ago, my Grandfather decided to try his hand at acting, so he went to audition for a local community theater troupe. As he was waiting his turn, he watched as a young man took the stage for his audition. To hear my Grandfather tell it, what followed were five of the most awe-inspiring minutes he'd ever had the pleasure to witness. This guy made the entire auditorium laugh from the bottom of their stomachs only to reduce them to tears a few minutes later. When he finished, the entire audience--director, playwright, and a crowd full of want-to-be actors and actresses--burst into applause that lasted for several minutes.

My Grandfather ran up to the man and stuck out his hand, eager to meet the man who was destined for fame.

"I'm Robert," my Grandfather said, breathlessly.

The man took his hand and gave it a firm squeeze. "Hello Robert," he said, "I'm Penis van Lesbian."

I would like to think that normally my Grandfather, being the polite man that he was, would not break stride after such an announcement. But as he told this story, there was no way he was going to remain silent about such a ridiculous name.

"Penis van Lesbian?" he shouted. "What kind of name is that? You got what it takes, but a name like that's only going to hurt you. You gotta pick out some kinda, y'know, stage name if you want to be famous."

Penis looked at him, clearly shocked. "Change my name? Dear sir, my father was a van Lesbian, and his father was a van Lesbian, and his father before him! Why, the van Lesbians came over on the Mayflower! I'd no sooner change my name than cut off my own hand!"

As Penis turned to leave, my Grandfather shook his head. "It's a shame," he called out after Penis, "you could have been big."

Years later, my Grandfather received a letter in the mail. Inside was a check for $50,000 and a note. The note read:
Dear Robert

I don't know if you remember me, but we met many years ago. At the time, you suggested that I change my name if I truly wanted to be successful. Like a fool I rejected the idea, but after working hard for many years and never making the big time, I decided to follow your advice. Almost as soon as I filed the papers did the offers start pouring in. I've since had the chance to act and sing and dance in front of audiences across the country.

I feel that my success is due in no small part to your advice that day, so many years ago. I've spent quite awhile trying to find your address so I can thank you. So please, take this check as a token of my gratitude. The best of luck to you.

Sincerely,
Dick Van Dyke
posted by turaho at 2:39 PM on July 24, 2008 [6 favorites]


I still say this is one of the worst names ever.
posted by miss lynnster at 2:48 PM on July 24, 2008


There's a State Farm agent with an office near my house. His name?

Randy Beavers
posted by elfgirl at 2:50 PM on July 24, 2008


My high school Math teacher was a nice chinese guy named Richard Chew. And yes, he was known as Dick.

We also had a Cary Grant and a Marilyn Monroe, as well as a John Head and an unrelated Neville Head (who was called "Nipple Head" a lot).

My daughter is Molly Elizabeth Webster. M.E.W., and my wife likes cats a lot. However, this was incidental, not truly intentional.
posted by Kickstart70 at 3:15 PM on July 24, 2008


I saw an obit in our local paper for a man named Seaman Pus.
posted by davebush at 3:22 PM on July 24, 2008


I always feel sorry for folks with bad names, because imagine what happens if they Google themselves and oh, find threads like this?
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:45 PM on July 24, 2008


In case you were all wondering (and I know some of you were):

Adolph Blaine Charles David Earl Frederick Gerald Hubert Irvin John Kenneth Lloyd Martin Nero Oliver Paul Quincy Randolph Sherman Thomas Uncas Victor William Xerxes Yancy Zeus Wolfe­schlegelstein­hausenberger­dorffvoraltern­waren­gewissenhaft­schaferswessen­schafewaren­wohlgepflege­und­sorgfaltigkeit­beschutzen­von­angreifen­durch­ihrraubgierigfeinde­welche­voraltern­zwolftausend­jahres­vorandieerscheinen­wander­ersteer­dem­enschderraumschiff­gebrauchlicht­als­sein­ursprung­von­kraftgestart­sein­lange­fahrt­hinzwischen­sternartigraum­auf­der­suchenach­diestern­welche­gehabt­bewohnbar­planeten­kreise­drehen­sich­und­wohin­der­neurasse­von­verstandigmen­schlichkeit­konnte­fortplanzen­und­sicher­freuen­anlebens­langlich­freude­und­ruhe­mit­nicht­ein­furcht­vor­angreifen­von­anderer­intelligent­geschopfs­von­hinzwischen­sternartigraum, Senior.

translates to:

"wolf slayer who lives in the stone house in the mountain village, who before ages were conscientious shepherds whose sheep were well tended and diligently protected against attackers who by their rapacity were enemies who 12,000 years ago appeared from the stars to the humans by spaceships with light as an origin of power, started a long voyage within starlike space in search for the star which has habitable planets orbiting and whither the new race of reasonable humanity could thrive and enjoy lifelong happiness and tranquility without fear of attack from other intelligent creatures from within starlike space"

So, that gets right up there in the WTF stakes.
posted by 5MeoCMP at 3:55 PM on July 24, 2008


Oh, that's not my translation, BTW.
posted by 5MeoCMP at 3:57 PM on July 24, 2008


I worked with a guy named Joe Dyrt. He did not wear a mullet, or think much of David Spade. But he didn't have a chip on his shoulder about his name - he said it was common as ...
posted by paulsc at 3:59 PM on July 24, 2008


I had a client whose kid was named Baby Bandit [LASTNAME]. They lived in the projects, so the name might be accurate.
posted by mahamandarava at 3:59 PM on July 24, 2008


My father wanted to name me Topeka, and my brother Banana; my mother nixed both when she was ambulatory after our births in favor of Joshua and Benjamin, respectively. But, you know, the '70s.
posted by luriete at 4:05 PM on July 24, 2008


A girl in my HS class was named Candace Cain.

A former co-worker of mine told us her maiden name was Candace "Candy" Cain. She married and divorced, then remarried, but went by her first husband's last name, which by then was how she was known in her field. When she and the first hubby split, she said, her one non-negotiable need was to keep the ex's last name.

Be that as it may, the singer is my favorite of the Candy/Candye/Candi Cain/Cane/Kane homonyms. I saw her at Gay Pride in San Diego, where she played the piano with her boobs. :-)
posted by Robert Angelo at 4:38 PM on July 24, 2008


On my dad's side of the family, every generation until mine had a son named Orange. Orange Lemon.
Supposedly my great great uncle was in Ripley's Believe it Or Not once - they said that his name was was Orange W. Lemon, that he owned a fruit stand and that he always signed his name in green ink. His middle name was actually William, but apparently the rest was true.
posted by smartyboots at 4:50 PM on July 24, 2008


When I was a preschool teacher, there was a 2-year-old boy in my class named Mark, and he had an older sister named Mindy. That must've taken advance planning.
posted by katillathehun at 4:52 PM on July 24, 2008


Ahhh, awful glad to hear Candye's still boobing the piano. Sometimes it's really heartwarming to know there are things in your hometown that remain relatively unchanged... Candye making music with her chest is one of 'em.
posted by miss lynnster at 4:55 PM on July 24, 2008


Oh, and I also had a girl in my class named Rebel who was the sweetest child I had ever met. Her parents were horrifying. I later worked with her aunt who told me that she had sadly grown into her name. In case you were wondering, you can apparently get expelled from preschool.
posted by katillathehun at 4:57 PM on July 24, 2008


See I would totally advocate for a child name/adult name scheme. You are born and your parents name you. You turn 21 and you get to choose your adult name as part of getting that "Adult" ID card. Most people would stick with what they have already, but by then you are developed enough to handle any peer pressure. (usually)
posted by edgeways at 5:01 PM on July 24, 2008


Am I alone in thinking that Violence would be about the coolest name ever? "Hi, I'm Smith. Violence Danger Smith."

Which would give you the ability to say, "Danger is my middle name... But Violence is my first" right before you punched someone out. It's like the most perfect action-hero name ever conceived.


I know a five year old who is legally named Rocko Danger Previde just so he could pull the old, "Danger is my middle name" routine. And, yes, his dad got to name him. I think there was some sort of odd deal struck with his wife that dad isn't talking to the rest of us about…
posted by paddysat at 5:10 PM on July 24, 2008


17 years ago I waited in line to meet Slayer at Tower Records in downtown New York. There were two guys in line behind us, one was named Arsenio Santos. "It was 1971,' he said, 'who knew?" Later that night, the girl I was with let Tom Araya sign her chest. A week later these guys invited us to a party at their school. My female friend made out with one of them. the one not named Arsenio.
posted by jonmc at 5:11 PM on July 24, 2008


I think Mefites should get to rename Hula girl's parents. After we slap them silly.
posted by etaoin at 5:52 PM on July 24, 2008


I had, until reading the most recent comments, forgotten about some of the girls I encountered while teaching preschool - notably a family wherein the girls were named (in order of age) QuessSymphonee, Quessonthyme, and QuessSadde. They had a younger brother. Named Patrick. QuessSadde had it the easiest, just going by "Sadde" (pronounced "Sadie") - the other two? No matter how you cut it, it's weird.

There was also a girl in one of the kindergarten classes named NyQuilla.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:06 PM on July 24, 2008


I used to live upstairs from a woman named Chevelle.
posted by jonmc at 6:12 PM on July 24, 2008


I have a friend named Colin who has a brother named Nolan.
Now imagine, as they were growing up, how many times a day each was called Colon.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 6:58 PM on July 24, 2008


Good thing they didn't have a brother named Richard.
posted by jonmc at 6:59 PM on July 24, 2008


meh, that name's no less stupid than what any Hollywood celebrity these days comes up with.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:59 PM on July 24, 2008


This thread reminded me of Lenin from Arundhati Roy's The God of Small Things. I also seemed to recall that the story behind Lenin's name had some basis in fact and a quick Googling uncovered this: "Stalin and Lenins Reunite in India" from the BBC.

"In fact, there are six Lenins, two Gagarins and two Pushkins - Indians given Russian names, meeting here to chew the fat on the personalities after whom they were named."
posted by thack3r at 8:11 PM on July 24, 2008


Vanity Yank
posted by subgear at 8:18 PM on July 24, 2008


She's got nothing on Yourhighness Morgan.
posted by xmutex at 8:22 PM on July 24, 2008


moonlet: I went to high school with brothers named Om and Cosmo; their last name was Buffalo. They were hilarious, which I think is the best way to deal with having hippies for parents.

I get to see the Buffalo brothers a couple of times a year; they remain hilarious. I sometimes work for their dad, who is one of my favorite people ever.

But then, I grew up in Eugene, land of hippies. I even went to a seriously alternative elementary school, but I don't remember any particularly unusual names. Maybe they all just sound normal now.
posted by medialyte at 8:36 PM on July 24, 2008


My poor poor 9th grade biology teacher was named Richard Fidler.
posted by boy detective at 8:39 PM on July 24, 2008


Um, I've know a bunch of people called Vlad and a bunch called Attila. These are extremely popular names, get over it.
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 8:41 PM on July 24, 2008


There was a guy at my company named Randy Dickman. I always wanted to call him up and ask him about his name, but that seemed a tad unprofessional.
posted by nooneyouknow at 8:57 PM on July 24, 2008


Vaya con dios, Dick Assman.
posted by evilcolonel at 9:24 PM on July 24, 2008


I worked child support services back in NorCal, general clerk stuff, asking people's employers to garnish their wages, etc.

Mom's name: "Tammy."

Kid's name: "Tammier."

I can only assume that there were plans for a little Tammiest at some point.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 10:33 PM on July 24, 2008


Went to school with Jim and Crystal Dick. Recently did a delivery to a house with rooster statues on the lawn, rooster door knocker, rooster paraphernalia everywhere, their last name Cock. To that I say "Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking?" Give the kid a nick name of her choosing and send her home.
posted by pianomover at 10:42 PM on July 24, 2008


Went to high school with a girl named Stormy Cummings.

I mean, c'mon. That's just foul.
posted by Orrorin at 11:53 PM on July 24, 2008


Friend of mine works with a Philippa Glass. We never get tired of that one...
posted by Molesome at 4:45 AM on July 25, 2008


Fruit Chan.

Sadly, I'm pretty sure that Fruit isn't his given name, but a nickname he adopted in later life.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 7:43 AM on July 25, 2008


Um, I've know a bunch of people called Vlad and a bunch called Attila. These are extremely popular names, get over it.

No... YOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!

If someone is named something unusual in your culture, you'll find it funny too. If you were in Egypt and you went to school with a girl actually named Buffy, you'd think it was hysterical... something you only saw on tv. Likewise, a lot of people hear "Vlad" or "Attila" and they immediately think of impaling/huns. That is their frame of reference, having no other Vlads or Attilas to turn to. Human nature, my friend. Get over it.

I dated a guy named Branko. Try telling that one to people. I kept referring to him by fun, descriptive nicknames for the longest time until my friends would finally say, "Wait, does this guy have a name?" Then I'd take a deep sigh and say, "Yes, his name basically means Michael in Yugoslavian, I believe." Then I'd tell them what it was and endure their reaction to hearing that I was in a relationship whose name reminded them of cowboy horses. Are you serious? That's really his name? Ha ha ha! Then I'd see them try to muffle themselves from saying the oh, so charming, "Ride'm Branko!" Yeah, that was precious. And since I had to wait for their amusement to subside, I'd refrain from telling them that his name was actually the short form of Short form of Branislav or Branimir, meant "peaceful protection" and that his other friends/family members were named things like Dragan, Janko, Goran, Zorana, etc. Felt like I was trying too hard if I did that. I mean, Hell... at least his name wasn't Tvrtko.

I also went through a phase in my 20s where every guy who asked me out had a name that was a euphemism for genetalia. Peter Wurm and Richard Dinglehoffer are the ones I remember. Yeah, that was awesome too.
posted by miss lynnster at 9:42 AM on July 25, 2008


Funky Love Bunny
posted by flabdablet at 9:49 AM on July 25, 2008


Why, in God's name, would you name your daughter Emma if your surname was Royds. Or if they didn't, why would you take Royds as your married name?
posted by MuffinMan at 3:03 PM on July 25, 2008


I have decided that my first born son's middle name shall be "Muscles" while my daughter's middle name will be "Awesome".

This thread comes at an interesting time for me. I actually want to name my (expecting) daughter Star, with a middle name of Power, but no one seems to think I am serious.

What is more powerful than a star? Nothing is the answer. Nothing more powerful. (Except maybe a Star turned to the dark side, but we'll try to prevent that.)

I work with 3 Vladimirs, and have known one other. Never met an Attila yet, though.
posted by mrgrimm at 3:35 PM on July 25, 2008


I knew an Attila in grade school and I used to work with a Zoltan.
posted by jonmc at 4:57 PM on July 25, 2008


Did anyone notice that Fruit Chan made a movie called Durian Durian - (1) Widely known and revered in Southeast Asia as the "King of Fruits" -&- The edible flesh emits a distinctive odour, strong and penetrating even when the husk is intact. Regarded by some as fragrant, others as overpowering and offensive, the smell evokes reactions from deep appreciation to intense disgust. The odour has led to the fruit's banishment from certain hotels and public transportation in Southeast Asia.
posted by GrimJack at 9:12 PM on July 25, 2008


I still think this one am de best!
posted by flabdablet at 7:41 PM on July 26, 2008


b) Give me an amazingly trendy middle name - which isn't even a goddamn human name but a freaking river,
c) Misspell that middle name and
d) Call me by that middle name


So you went by:

Suskwehanna
Rhyne
Ufrates
Ganneges
Annazon
YankZ
Monongahula
Allygainy
Vulga
?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:41 AM on July 28, 2008


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