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Death By Chocolate
August 20, 2008 6:22 AM   Subscribe

Selections from H.P. Lovecraft's brief tenure as a Whitman's Sampler copywriter.
posted by fearfulsymmetry (47 comments total) 16 users marked this as a favorite

 
Two wikipedia links doesn't make this not a SLMcSP.
posted by DU at 6:36 AM on August 20, 2008


comic horror
posted by nicolin at 6:36 AM on August 20, 2008


This is really delightful for a SLMcP.
posted by griphus at 6:40 AM on August 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


Constable Parrot ate one of those...
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 6:40 AM on August 20, 2008 [2 favorites]


I took penicillin for my SLMcP and it cleared right up, but then I got a rash. Allergic, dontcha know.
posted by goatdog at 6:46 AM on August 20, 2008


The guy writing these is going a bit overboard. Far, far too many exclamation marks.
posted by Floach at 6:52 AM on August 20, 2008


Made me laugh and made me snackish.
posted by vrakatar at 6:58 AM on August 20, 2008


McSweeneys, is there nothing you can't make plausible?
posted by jonp72 at 6:59 AM on August 20, 2008


What? No Cthulhu Chew?
posted by tits mcgee at 6:59 AM on August 20, 2008 [2 favorites]


Oh they totally stole my idea. By "stole" I mean "actually took the time to execute it."

Fuckers.
posted by Mister_A at 7:02 AM on August 20, 2008 [4 favorites]


Floach, actually he missed Lovecraft's typical use of italics to push the final sentence over the brink. Thus:

Peanut Butter Cup


In 1856, a fisherman from a tiny hamlet on the New England coast made a terrible pact with serpentine beasts from beneath the sea, that he might create the most delicious sweet seen upon the Earth since the days of the great Elder Race. Thus was forged the satanic pact between peanut butter and chocolate that resulted in the mutant offspring you see before you!

Now that's your Lovecraft, right there.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 7:24 AM on August 20, 2008 [3 favorites]


Cthulhu Chew—You'll Be Eaten First!®
posted by infinitewindow at 7:24 AM on August 20, 2008 [2 favorites]


Awesome! They got in "eldritch" and "cyclopean" although they missed "squamous".
posted by Fenriss at 7:29 AM on August 20, 2008 [1 favorite]




Good point, Fenriss. Missed "rugose," too.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 7:34 AM on August 20, 2008


LOVE this. Thanks.
posted by papercake at 7:34 AM on August 20, 2008


How did I know this was a McSweeney's link before I even clicked?

Oh, right. The formula: [everyday thing] or [canonical work of literature] reformulated in the [language] or [style] or [medium] of some other incongruous thing.

Seriously, they don't have writers. They have a computer program. When its not producing new copy, its making mashups of John Philip Sousa and Ne-Yo.
posted by felix betachat at 7:34 AM on August 20, 2008 [3 favorites]


Well I think this clears up why he lost the Arthur Treachers franchise
posted by PlusDistance at 7:34 AM on August 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


What, nothing about the inherent superiority of white chocolate?
posted by supercres at 7:44 AM on August 20, 2008 [4 favorites]


I suspect I'd find this more amusing if it didn't read like the writer has only ever encountered Lovecraft via Chaosium's Call of Cthulhu role playing game.
posted by xchmp at 7:56 AM on August 20, 2008 [2 favorites]


Creamy tropical vengeance FTW.
posted by Mister_A at 8:01 AM on August 20, 2008


I didn't laugh much, but they do all sound delicious.
posted by horsemuth at 8:04 AM on August 20, 2008


This is much better than the last SLMcP! That one was all about exclamation marks! This is teh funny!
posted by fixedgear at 8:16 AM on August 20, 2008


This must have been Mike Mussina's eighth submission.
posted by buriednexttoyou at 8:33 AM on August 20, 2008 [4 favorites]


Imagine Lovecraft writing ad copy for the Whizzo Quality Assortment.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:59 AM on August 20, 2008


Any parody of Lovecraft's writing that doesn't end the final line of each entry in italics doesn't hold water with me. For it was in this style that he wrote!
posted by Parasite Unseen at 9:01 AM on August 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


Much love for the "humour" tag.
posted by Mister_A at 9:06 AM on August 20, 2008


CAUTION: THIS THREAD CONTAINS COMMENTS MADE IN A FACILITY THAT ALSO PROCESSES LULZ. COMMENTS MAY CONTAIN LULZ. THREAD MAY CONTAIN NUTS.
posted by Eideteker at 9:08 AM on August 20, 2008 [2 favorites]






Few men dare ask the question "What is toffee, exactly?" All those who have investigated this substance are now either dead or insane.

I want to start working phrases like this more into my day-to-day life;

"Be careful of that coffee creamer, John, everyone that's tried it is now either dead or insane..."

"Why haven't we thrown it out then?"

"I dunno. Maybe it's really good or something."
posted by quin at 9:40 AM on August 20, 2008 [2 favorites]


The idea is neat, but even giving a pass on the italics, they just don't get the tone right. It's like they went to wikipedia to get an idea of what Lovecraft wrote about/like instead of actually reading the stories.
posted by juv3nal at 10:02 AM on August 20, 2008


I kept waiting to read:

For generations, Whitman's is a name that means quality and excellence, and we believe that the most merciful thing in our Sampler is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.
posted by Benjamin Nushmutt at 10:12 AM on August 20, 2008 [5 favorites]


a hideously moist cherry cordial

This one made me laugh.
posted by Bookhouse at 10:16 AM on August 20, 2008


Use of words I associate solely with Lovecraft: eldritch: check, non-Euclidian: check, cyclopean: check.
posted by version control at 10:42 AM on August 20, 2008


How did I know this was a McSweeney's link before I even clicked?

The idea is neat, but even giving a pass on the italics, they just don't get the tone right.


What they said.
posted by languagehat at 10:48 AM on August 20, 2008


That is not dead which Whitman's Sampler ate,
And with strange eons even Death gains weight.

posted by Topkid at 10:58 AM on August 20, 2008 [5 favorites]


He missed gibbous. (I only bring it up because I happen to like dancing horribly when the moon is gibbous.)
posted by JHarris at 11:05 AM on August 20, 2008


[insert Crunchy Shoggoth joke here]
posted by Iosephus at 11:32 AM on August 20, 2008


OK:

It should say "real live crunchy hideous trans-dimensional gibbering gluttonous blasphemy from beyond the spheres, where shrill and mindless piping curdles the minds of men with horror in homage to the idiot dæmon-sultan."
posted by Mister_A at 11:54 AM on August 20, 2008




It should say "real live crunchy hideous trans-dimensional gibbering gluttonous blasphemy from beyond the spheres, where shrill and mindless piping curdles the minds of men with horror in homage to the idiot dæmon-sultan."

Our sales would plummet!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:53 PM on August 20, 2008


Hit or miss, but the last one made me laugh such that I had to repress it, and then ended up just snorting conspicuously and wiping tears out of my eyes.

Then Benjamin Nushmutt's try did the same.
posted by everichon at 1:20 PM on August 20, 2008


Use of words I associate solely with Lovecraft: eldritch: check, non-Euclidian: check, cyclopean: check.

I'm currently reading More Annotated Lovecraft. I had had no idea cyclopean had a specific meaning in regard to stonework.

The idea is neat, but even giving a pass on the italics, they just don't get the tone right.

Yup, what they said.
posted by Zed_Lopez at 2:22 PM on August 20, 2008


And what's more, what of those sweets of that new and heterogeneous alien stock which lies outside the charmed circle of New England candies and traditions? You know, like hamentaschen, or flan.
posted by The Bridge on the River Kai Ryssdal at 3:12 PM on August 20, 2008


I wish there were a filter to automatically block any post linking to McSweeney's.
Their authors are kings of taking a pretty good idea and implementing it very poorly.
posted by ...possums at 6:27 PM on August 20, 2008


In 1927, legendary horror writer H.P. Lovecraft wrote a tale of evil in Brooklyn called "The Horror at Red Hook." It was inspired by his apartment, the soul of which he once described as being "something unwholesome, something furtive, something vast lying subterraneanly in obnoxious slumber."

Nellie Kurtzman knows how he feels.

Kurtzman now lives in that apartment

posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:44 AM on August 22, 2008


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