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Boiling water, all over my crotch.
August 25, 2008 9:28 PM   Subscribe

How not to get laid. Because we learn from our failures.

Check the highest rated sidebar is on the left hand side.
posted by Orange Pamplemousse (36 comments total) 14 users marked this as a favorite

 
Always use the rubber tongs indeed.
posted by Caduceus at 9:33 PM on August 25, 2008


Hey, it's like an alternate-universe Penthouse Forum, neat!
posted by turgid dahlia at 9:34 PM on August 25, 2008 [2 favorites]


"Penis Spam I Am"

lost me right there...
posted by HuronBob at 9:34 PM on August 25, 2008


How not to get laid.

The whole internets is basically a compendium of this.
posted by Avenger at 9:36 PM on August 25, 2008 [6 favorites]


"Self Date-Rape Guy" is going to be my first official sockpuppet, methinks.
posted by turgid dahlia at 9:49 PM on August 25, 2008


Wow, someone found a way to make Maxim a lot dumber, a lot crasser, and then removed all the pretty pictures. Just what I needed!
posted by Kiablokirk at 10:01 PM on August 25, 2008


"Father knows breast" is a fucking creepy title for a post.
posted by paisley henosis at 10:05 PM on August 25, 2008


First impression: Boring, dull, pedestrian stories poorly written; even the majority of their highest-rated stories aren't interesting.

But then I realize the site works on a different level: "How not to get laid? Write like this."

I did laugh at Elmer Fudd dirty talk and self date-rape guy
posted by theclaw at 10:16 PM on August 25, 2008


"hostel-come-beach house"?
posted by frobozz at 10:19 PM on August 25, 2008


Doesn't AskMeFi pretty much have this covered already?
posted by whoaali at 10:23 PM on August 25, 2008 [1 favorite]


As an apology for snark earlier, please accept Goldmine stories from SA in on a similar subject.
posted by theclaw at 10:24 PM on August 25, 2008


Man, it reads like an average day on AskMe.
posted by fourcheesemac at 10:38 PM on August 25, 2008


How not to get laid.

Or, every AskMe relationship question posted by males...
posted by wfrgms at 11:27 PM on August 25, 2008


Ah. Finally a post in my area of expertise.
posted by telstar at 11:33 PM on August 25, 2008 [1 favorite]


this is not what i need to read right now.
posted by dunkadunc at 11:49 PM on August 25, 2008




Wow. I've been reading for over an hour and I don't think I've ever felt like less of a dork than I do right now.
posted by loquacious at 1:57 AM on August 26, 2008


I spent the next three or four days alternatively trying to woo her then surprise sex her.

Surprise sex = rape.

Nice.
posted by slimepuppy at 3:44 AM on August 26, 2008


Ok, this story is just plain old WRONG. Wrong all over. This isn't "how not to get laid" so much as "how TO get taken advantage of sexually, to the point of practically being date raped." Sheezus. Who thinks this is funny?

HURF DURF YOU SED NOES BUT I KEPT ON A GOIN.

I've got to go wash off that dirty feeling now.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 3:51 AM on August 26, 2008


So this one time I'm up in Colorado on the job and me and my coworker have gone out to a friend of a friends place. So she looks at me and says to me my boyfriends out of town and I'm like what does that have to do with me? .... I plead virginity
posted by Rubbstone at 5:07 AM on August 26, 2008


Are they hiring columnists? "Nice shoes, wanna @#$%?" does not actually work.
posted by ShadePlant at 5:21 AM on August 26, 2008


I was a 32yo MILF

Am I supposed to be confused? Aroused? What?
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 6:07 AM on August 26, 2008 [1 favorite]


I had to stop reading after The Headstrong Lover as a tale of rape wasn't exactly what I was expecting from this site.
posted by liquorice at 6:17 AM on August 26, 2008


Or, every AskMe relationship question posted by males...

You know what would happen if you had posted that comment but used 'females' instead? So why do you feel it's ok snark to say this about males? That's kinda freakin lame if you ask me. I understand that you might be a guy and therefore this is somehow 'ok self-deprecating snark' but still...
posted by spicynuts at 6:26 AM on August 26, 2008 [1 favorite]


ShadePlant: Actually, it does, but only on a second date when it's a foregone conclusion.e
posted by KirkJobSluder at 7:11 AM on August 26, 2008


"I wanna spwit you open wif my cock."

I dunno about you guys, but I just got myself a new pick-up line.

Or LOLCAT caption... y'know, whichever comes up first.
posted by LordSludge at 9:03 AM on August 26, 2008 [2 favorites]


"I wanna spwit you open wif my cock."

I didn't see this line, I need to go back and read some more. But OMG will my wife be supwised when she cowmes howme fwom Vancouvew dis week.

She won't even want to...wait, that's not so different from the way it is now.

Nevermind.
posted by Xoebe at 9:46 AM on August 26, 2008


Xoebe: It's from "Twuwy, Madwy, Deepwy" -- funniest story on there, IMO.
posted by LordSludge at 11:09 AM on August 26, 2008


I quit reading when there were too many self-aggrandizing "I didn't get laid because I didn't take advantage of women in distress" nobility paeans for me to believe.
posted by klangklangston at 11:48 AM on August 26, 2008


"Boiling water, all over my crotch..."

You know, if you pretend Jason Molina's singing it with some moody minimalist guitarwork and maybe a brushed snare reverberating lightly in the background, this is actually very touching.
posted by turgid dahlia at 2:55 PM on August 26, 2008


FWIW kklangston I really don't think I've read more than one of those most of the time its the woman is smelly, sweaty, not a man, too awesome(In his deluded mind)

Besides, Nobility only comes from the morons who think that conversation and mutual agreement is the meat and drink of love when in fact alot of the time its physicality.
posted by Rubbstone at 2:59 PM on August 26, 2008


Actually, the most common reason guys miss out on getting laid is because we're too dense to read the woman's signals or alternately the woman involved was being way too subtle for an inexperienced male. Right after I lost my virginity, I realized that I had missed a few opportunites before and felt like hitting myelf in the crotch with a wiffle bat as a kind of postmodern Catholic form of self-abasement. I bet most guys would concur on this. The missing signals, not the wiffle bat. That i came up with on my own.
posted by jonmc at 6:29 PM on August 26, 2008


/agree with jonmc

One of the surest ways to NOT get laid is simply not to ask.

Life favors the bold.
posted by Ynoxas at 10:22 AM on August 27, 2008


most of the time its the woman is smelly, sweaty, not a man, too awesome(In his deluded mind)

Several of these could have been solved by the guy saying "hey, I really want to have sex with you, but not right now because of . Can we fix this/hook up later?" rather than making a lame excuse and running away like he's afraid of her. Is rejection supposed to be sexier than communication?
posted by Arturus at 11:34 AM on August 27, 2008


/sorta agrees with jonmc

From the guy's perspective, I think his self-esteem, his self-image is central. If the guy is down on himself, and doesn't truly think he's good enough to be with the girl he likes, he's going to miss the signals because he can't imagine she likes him too. So he won't "get laid", his self-esteem drops more, more signals are missed, etc. It's a self-perpetuating thing, and it comes from within.

But that's a Good Thing -- it means it can be fixed from within, too.
posted by LordSludge at 1:40 PM on August 27, 2008


Also, I've found an aluminum softball bat to be the most effective.
posted by LordSludge at 1:40 PM on August 27, 2008


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