Your last name is Presley. I want you to think NASCAR and pit stops.

September 2, 2008 9:53 PM

Meet gold-toothed Vegas rapper Thug "Money Man" Presley, cousin to The King. Real name Kristopher Presley, Thug has been serving time in jail and just pled guilty to involuntary manslaughter for running over someone with an SUV in 2004.

Presley has worked a variety of jobs but has dreams of following in the footsteps of his famous cousin and becoming a world-famous singer. He has focused on hip-hop and said he'll soon release his first major-label album, titled "White Gold."

posted by miss lynnster (53 comments total)

Why did you do that to me?
Why did I do that to me?
posted by agentofselection at 10:08 PM on September 2, 2008 [2 favorites]

I hate this so much.
posted by longsleeves at 10:26 PM on September 2, 2008

I think I hate this more than you do.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:29 PM on September 2, 2008

dude, I have more myspace plays than Elvis' cousin? sweet.
posted by tremspeed at 10:34 PM on September 2, 2008

Not only do I hate it, I also hate that... who the fuck spells Christopher with a K?
posted by heyho at 10:34 PM on September 2, 2008

Not only do I hate it, I also hate that... who the fuck spells Christopher with a K?

A lot of people?
posted by Mr. President Dr. Steve Elvis America at 10:36 PM on September 2, 2008

In theory, this is really funny. But, no, it's repugnant. I wonder how much he had to pay the black guys to lend him credibility.
posted by stavrogin at 10:38 PM on September 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

Gross.
posted by batmonkey at 10:40 PM on September 2, 2008

What's the point of this post? Just so Metafilter can collectively mock him? Do we really need this on the front page?
posted by Kraftmatic Adjustable Cheese at 10:41 PM on September 2, 2008 [4 favorites]

Not only do I hate it, I also hate that... who the fuck spells Christopher with a K?

A lot of people?

I've never met them, and that's stupid. Sorry, not buyin it.
posted by heyho at 10:42 PM on September 2, 2008

What's the point of this post?

It's a cautionary tale to the wide swath of mefi comprised of aspiring white rappers.
posted by stavrogin at 10:56 PM on September 2, 2008 [5 favorites]

I've never met them, and that's stupid. Sorry, not buyin it.

That's balls. Kristopher Presley is 25 years old. Let's say he was born in 1983. In 1983, Kristopher was the 134th most popular male baby name in the US, beating out Henry, Arthur, Roger, Albert, Oscar, Ernest, Theodore, Harold, and plenty of other indisputably real names.
posted by Mr. President Dr. Steve Elvis America at 10:56 PM on September 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

Jesus Christ, that's the worst song I've heard in recent memory. Mike Jones is Rakim compared to this fucking clown. I think he even has some kind of speech impediment. A lotta rappers got flavor, and some got skills, but if your voice ain't dope then you need to chill.
posted by DecemberBoy at 10:56 PM on September 2, 2008

Yo, look at that chump. See the way that he struts...
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 11:00 PM on September 2, 2008 [2 favorites]

There may well be potential for this, but if my lay sense of marketing and demographics is accurate, the 'target' audience will not be found here.

Unless his friend's referenced racial slur was 'plate of beans'.

In which case, by all means, proceed.
posted by Bokononist at 11:02 PM on September 2, 2008

... and his momma cries.
posted by Bookhouse at 11:08 PM on September 2, 2008 [15 favorites]

No, this post wasn't to mock anyone, and I'm also not saying he's good. But he's obviously proud of what he's doing music-wise and very happy with it. Personally, I'm not judging him as I get the impression he's spent his life trying to fit into an environment while carrying one of the most famous American last names there is without any of the perks that one might imagine should go along with it.

I may be alone in this, but sometimes I wonder who famous people of the past would've become if they were born now instead of when they were. I'm interested in that whole nature/nurture thing. Elvis grew up in the projects, just as poor as this kid. I find the parallel universe thing interesting at times. And as Elvis put it, "the child needs a helping hand or he'll grow to be an angry young man some day Take a look at you and me, are we too blind to see, do we simply turn our heads and look the other way." I get the impression that might be what people have done with him.

YMMV. I could be totally wrong.
posted by miss lynnster at 11:12 PM on September 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

Okay, and yes... turning your head and looking the other way with his video isn't a bad idea. Given.
posted by miss lynnster at 11:13 PM on September 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

Who the fuck spells Christopher with a K?

I'm famous for my wide-eyed guilelessness. When my friend introduced me to her new boyfriend, I was utterly charmed. She'd told me a little bit about him, but hadn't quite prepared me. He was so smart, and so likable, and so obviously in love with her. He shook my hand shyly. "My name's Christian. Withakay." I liked him immediately.

Their relationship didn't last too long, but they stayed friends. As things worked out, Christian and I wound up running into each other over and over throughout the years, and stayed in touch. We were never close friends, but had good people in common, and I liked him a lot. I knew that he usually referred to himself as Christian [Smith] but never thought anything of it. Maybe his parents had divorced along the way?

I caught sight of him at some anarchist to-do or another, and excitedly called him over to my group of friends. We exchanged hugs and kisses and caught up on old times. Then I formally introduced him. "This is Christian Withakay."

Kristian and I are still friends, and that joke will never die.
posted by freshwater_pr0n at 11:14 PM on September 2, 2008 [8 favorites]

Wow! Nice post.
posted by sluglicker at 11:23 PM on September 2, 2008

And than I thought- "Well maybe conscription IS a good thing"
posted by mattoxic at 11:31 PM on September 2, 2008

Upon my initial superficial glossing over of his MySpace page, my initial reaction was that he was simply an inbred fuckmop steakhead for whom I'd gladly ignore. Upon reading the story of his SUV killing of another person, I started to feel sorry for him. Man, I'm getting weak.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 11:47 PM on September 2, 2008

What's the point of this post? Just so Metafilter can collectively mock him? Do we really need this on the front page?

Yes. I feel better about myself already.
posted by Darned account name at 12:20 AM on September 3, 2008

In 1983, Kristopher was the 134th most popular male baby name in the US, beating out Henry, Arthur, Roger, Albert, Oscar, Ernest, Theodore, Harold, and plenty of other indisputably real names.

Impressive if it was 1933 instead of 1983. On a side note I knew a 'K' spelling Kristopher in Junior High School. He was a total ass.
posted by IvoShandor at 12:31 AM on September 3, 2008

He's your uncle, not your dad.
posted by tellurian at 12:57 AM on September 3, 2008

my initial reaction was that he was simply an inbred fuckmop steakhead for whom I'd gladly ignore. Upon reading the story of his SUV killing of another person, I started to feel sorry for him.

Upon reading the story of his SUV killing of another person, my reaction was that he was simply an inbred fuckmop steakhead.
posted by three blind mice at 1:54 AM on September 3, 2008

Hey, waitaminute, I know a real-life Kristopher who is the hardest working man in webcomics: Kristopher "Kris" Straub, creator/perpetrator of Starslip Crisis, Chainsawsuit, Checkerboard Nightmare (now rerunning with 'creator commentary'), Time Friends (The Lost Episodes) (self-link because the original site was taken down) and FChords, about studio musicians who have more talent in their collective pinkyfingers than "Thug" has in his entire entourage. Also co-founder of the HalfPixel Webcomics Group, co-author of "How to Make Webcomics" and co-host of the Webcomics Weekly podcast, just because he doesn't want to hog all the credit for himself. Kristopher Straub. A Kristopher you can believe in!
posted by wendell at 2:38 AM on September 3, 2008

I intend to download all of this young man's music and burn it to a CD-R for special occasions - such as when the college-aged neighbours downstairs decide to hold a party late into a weekend night. Or when my own guests overstay their welcome.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 3:22 AM on September 3, 2008

That SUV-accident site won't open for me because it's screwed (or because I'm cursed) but, if you had a famous last name, what do you do? Suppose you're, oh, Frank Sinatra, Jr., do you set out to a career of singing at New Jersey supperclubs? Or Lisa Marie? Do you set out to marry the reigning King of Pop, Micheal Jackson? There is a doom connected to famous names (I won't mention Kennedy). But isn't this post part of a general disdain of Elvis? What misslynster said about Elvis was true: he grew up dirt poor and, if his visions of fame and glory don't match yours, who the fuck are you to compare yourself to this artist?
That said, this kid should look for a job driving a truck.
posted by CCBC at 3:55 AM on September 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

I wonder how much he had to pay the black guys to lend him credibility.

I wonder if they did proper diligence before lending him credibility? What are the odds he will pay that credibility back? Or did the black guys package up the credibility loan and sell it on to gullible white kids in the suburbs who were looking for some quick and easy cred. Now that the credibility bubble is bursting will there be a bailout of failed rappers? Perhaps the black guys will find ways to adjust cred repayments so that they don't have to repossess now worthless cred. On the plus side you can now get rappers for cheap.
posted by srboisvert at 4:35 AM on September 3, 2008 [5 favorites]

This man got four years for deliberately killing someone by running them down with his SUV. That's fucked up.
posted by lester at 5:12 AM on September 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

This guy has some dull, stupid looking eyes. It's like looking into the eyes of a dog on meth burnout.
posted by autodidact at 5:31 AM on September 3, 2008

His mother lives in Las Vegas and was to star in a reality television show that would have had her date Elvis impersonators

Read that again and tell me you don't feel a little bad for the kid.
posted by uncleozzy at 5:46 AM on September 3, 2008

You know, there's a thing that Southern women say at a time like this. It perfectly embodies the pity, scorn and dismay while making it clear that the speaker does not approve. Despite being born and raised in the South, I've always had difficulty being a true Southern woman. I swear too much, I smoke too much and I really think mint juleps are disgusting. But this...this I can do for this young man.

So to the cousin of the King, I say:

Bless your heart.
posted by teleri025 at 5:56 AM on September 3, 2008 [12 favorites]

Impressive if it was 1933 instead of 1983. On a side note I knew a 'K' spelling Kristopher in Junior High School. He was a total ass.

Will 1936 work as well as 1933? What's with all the K-hating? I have a friend whose husband is Kristopher, and he's a great guy, despite having been blessed with his name in the early 70s.
posted by notashroom at 6:28 AM on September 3, 2008

Goddamn, he's an ugly bastard. That's gonna be tough to overcome.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 6:38 AM on September 3, 2008

Is he cool? Nah, he's icy hot.
posted by MrMoonPie at 6:45 AM on September 3, 2008

i'm an aspiring white rappers.

yo. bitches?
posted by Jeremy at 7:15 AM on September 3, 2008

lester writes "This man got four years for deliberately killing someone by running them down with his SUV. That's fucked up."

Especially since he would have gotten five if he'd been in possession of 5 grams of crack or a gram of LSD.
posted by Mitheral at 7:28 AM on September 3, 2008

So what do you think Elvis would be doing if he were a poor 25 year old living in Las Vegas today...I wonder what he'd look like with a grill.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 7:32 AM on September 3, 2008

LOLVIS?
posted by The Straightener at 7:37 AM on September 3, 2008

Dude is not a good rapper, he's the archetype of a mall thug, down to the creepy rapid darting movements of ferret with ADD, he also ran someone over with his truck, he sucks, he's a dummy. HOWEVER, it is possible that he has some black friends that also like crappy ring-tone rap and were in the video with him because they just wanted to be in the video with their friend. Some of you guys have really weird ideas about race and class in this country, which is too bad, because race and class in this country are deeply fucked up, just not in the way you think.
posted by Divine_Wino at 7:51 AM on September 3, 2008 [8 favorites]

"This guy has some dull, stupid looking eyes. It's like looking into the eyes of a dog on meth burnout."

I hope every dog in the world bites your ass for that!
posted by HuronBob at 8:10 AM on September 3, 2008

Well, it's pretty clear that he ain't never caught a rabbit, and he ain't no friend of ours.
posted by quin at 8:34 AM on September 3, 2008

if you had a famous last name, what do you do?

If you're Al Capone's son, you change your last name to "Brown" and lead a lawful life (with one misdemeanor charge for shoplifting).
posted by orange swan at 9:38 AM on September 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

Hey Thug Presley "Money Man", I just bought you as my PET!

Click here to find out how much I think you're WORTH!
posted by LordSludge at 9:44 AM on September 3, 2008

I wonder if they did proper diligence before lending him credibility?

My guess is he told them, "I'm making a comedy video about a talentless, shouty mall hood.* Wanna be in it?"

And now to cleanse our eyes and ears of that horror, here's Soulja Boi Pokémon.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 9:47 AM on September 3, 2008

The most dismaying thing about this is that he's a father of three.
posted by Halloween Jack at 10:12 AM on September 3, 2008

Well, if Elvis is accused of ripping off black peoples' music, then really, the apple's not falling too far from the tree here.
posted by adamms222 at 1:06 PM on September 3, 2008

a gram of LSD.

Not to nitpick, but you'd get a hell of a lot more time for that much LSD. That is enough to dose the water supply of a large city. LSD doses are measured in the micrograms, and 200mcg is considered a heavy dose.
posted by DecemberBoy at 3:14 PM on September 3, 2008

Y'all are some haters. I was apprehensive until he said, "I wanna give a shout-out to all the Elvis impersonators." Then I knew I loved the man.
posted by scose at 3:19 PM on September 3, 2008

No I'm not the first king of controversy
I am the worst thing since Elvis Presley
to do black music so selfishly
and used it to get myself wealthy
(Hey!!) There's a concept that works
Twenty million other white rappers emerge
But no matter how many fish in the sea
It'll be so empty, without me ...
posted by sergeant sandwich at 7:52 PM on September 3, 2008

Not to nitpick, but you'd get a hell of a lot more time for that much LSD

They weigh the carrier (paper, water, sugar cube, whatever) when determining sentencing for LSD, so a gram shouldn't be a huge amount in the relative scheme.
posted by flaterik at 9:26 PM on September 3, 2008