"Homosexuality: Legitimate Alternative Deathstyle"

September 3, 2008 10:48 PM

Comics With Problems Presents the first of a two part series entitled "Dick Hafer was an asshole"
posted by tehloki (56 comments total)

instadouble, just add water
posted by allen.spaulding at 10:57 PM on September 3, 2008

He seemed really enthusiastic at describing the physical acts. It's almost a how-to guide.
posted by empath at 10:57 PM on September 3, 2008

wait, maybe I didn't see that here. Ignore me. IGNORE ME!
posted by allen.spaulding at 10:57 PM on September 3, 2008

WARNING this chapter contains graphic details of the types of perverted acts homosexuals perform. We include them for your information, so you'll know exactly how depraved they are. We hope you are not too offended.

Uh, thanks?
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 11:04 PM on September 3, 2008

Do you know what a what a "Golden Shower" is?

Yes.

Have you ever heard of fisting?

Yes.

What really happens in gay baths?

I understand a great deal of gay sex.

What is the hidden political agenda of the "gay" community?

Fuck, stumped me. Metafilter homosexuals, please fill us in.
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 11:19 PM on September 3, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Sodomy really is a habit, just like smoking. When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I reach for is a big, juicy cock. I don't even think about it anymore, it's such a habit.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:24 PM on September 3, 2008 [9 favorites has favorites]

1. I remember when things like this were getting friends of mine thrown out of their homes, and it pisses me off yet again to know that this guy was causing all of that pain and didn't even have the ability to question anything that would make sleeping with the sex you're interested in for the first time seem somehow nefarious in its own right. Ugh.

2. "No! Stop!! Help!!" - Evil. This man was evil.

3. How weird when he exposes that most of his brand of homophobia is like the worried whispers of baby brothers hearing about everything for the first time and getting it all wrong but then not having anyone wiser about the way of things to sort them out once and for all.

4. Nearly every proof he gives for why queers are icky is true for "hetrosexuals", too, and often in far greater numbers.

5. I'd love to sit and interview someone of this mindset to try and get into each of their ideas and see where the edges meet up. I keep feeling like if we learned how to understand how to talk to people who have built up this kind of wall of illogic and fear, we could go far in solving many more problems than just this one.
posted by batmonkey at 11:24 PM on September 3, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

Sodomy really is a habit, just like smoking. When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I reach for is a big, juicy cock. I don't even think about it anymore, it's such a habit.

If a hundred people quote this, I'll send everyone in the thread a dollar.

Okay, I won't actually send anyone a dollar. That could be a lot of people. I'll bake you all cookies instead.

Not baking any goddamned cookies, either.
posted by Mikey-San at 11:37 PM on September 3, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

I am missing a lot of sex I guess.
posted by shockingbluamp at 11:44 PM on September 3, 2008

Ah yes, the "The Siren Call Of The Homosexuals" (p. 3).

I prefer the Annie Lennox recording, though of course many of our recruiters play the Judy Garland version while hiding in the bushes near high schools or the Senate Office Building.
posted by longsleeves at 11:58 PM on September 3, 2008

It's an incomplete and sordid lifestyle, totally absorbed by illicit sex!

Most of the contacts involve kissing - and that means saliva exchange.

That sounds just terrible.




Where do I sign up?
posted by winna at 12:19 AM on September 4, 2008

OH NO! NOT KISSING!!!

*retch*
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 12:22 AM on September 4, 2008

It's as though it's written by a ten year old worried about cooties. Bizarre and sad.
Thanks?
posted by From Bklyn at 12:48 AM on September 4, 2008

Two thoughts:

1) Dude, his name was Dick Hafer?

2) Gonna go out on a limb with this one, but I have a feeling Dick Hafer probably sucked on a few cocks in his day. Just guessing.
posted by bardic at 12:48 AM on September 4, 2008

I ducked into a public bath
To indulge in a little erotic math:
One is a solo, and two is a pair,
Three is a party, and four is a dare;
Any higher number in the lavat'ry
Is just that much more fun for me.
Because what could be better than cottaging
When you're in the mood for frottaging?

But there was a man that we knew of
Who illustrated a review of
And made an ado of
His interest in taboo love.
Wherever we went, there he'd be
With a pencil and paper set on his knee
Through the glory hole in the lavat're
Peering through to see whatever he could see.

He watched us there quite greedily
And his pencil flew quite speedily
And he begged for more quite needily
As he illustrated in the lavat're.
He was a cartoonist he repeatedly asserted
And he would remain long after the john was deserted
And would take down notes with his eyes averted

But we always figured that he was just perverted.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:15 AM on September 4, 2008 [17 favorites has favorites]

I couldn't read this, because my lifestyle is totally absorbed by illicit sex.

It's also incomplete and sordid, by the way.
posted by trip and a half at 1:19 AM on September 4, 2008

Actually, you know what, with all the talk about a secret homosexual agenda, I think it would be awesome if one actually exists - some policy shift shared among and worked for by millions of homosexuals yet without the awareness of us straights. (Bisexuals get to run errands but don't really know what's up.) I think it would be even more awesome if it's a complete non-sequitur, like the creation of a new national park or increased regulation of the financial markets.

You guys can let me know. I promise to keep the gay secret.
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 1:26 AM on September 4, 2008 [6 favorites has favorites]

We are planning to erect a phallus that will reach the moon. Don't tell anyone!
posted by trip and a half at 1:36 AM on September 4, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

We are planning to erect a phallus that will reach the moon.

Gay.
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 1:45 AM on September 4, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

First rule of gay secret agenda club is there is no gay secret agenda.

Just trips to the gym and really colorful ties.
posted by bardic at 1:48 AM on September 4, 2008

I promise to keep the gay secret.

I promise to keep the secret gay.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 1:50 AM on September 4, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

> I'd love to sit and interview someone of this mindset to try and get into each of their ideas and see where the edges meet up.

I think this wouldn't only make you sad and/or angry. This is beyond logic, and nothing you can reason with.



From page 9: It's disgusting, you can't tell who's perverted by looking at them.

Barry: Are all the guys in here ... you know?
George Sr.: Oh, no, no. No, not all of them.
Barry: Yeah. It's never the ones you hope.
George Sr.: Hope?
Barry: Think.
posted by bjrn at 2:27 AM on September 4, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

Dick Hafer was just jealous because the "History of Sodomite Society" looks like way more fun than he ever had.
posted by Darned account name at 2:32 AM on September 4, 2008

It's often said that if the rhetoric can be made to apply smoothly to another group by just inserting their nouns and stats into it (say, heterosexuals, for instance), that the rhetoric itself may be a bit suspect.

Since I know quite a few heterosexuals who are into the same kinds of "deathstyles", even to the extent of having a noun substitute for the baths, I think I shall give this choice bit of rhetoric a miss, except for humor value.
posted by kalessin at 2:41 AM on September 4, 2008

Is the half-assed caricature of a gay spokesman/boogeyman... wearing a police uniform?
posted by subbes at 2:45 AM on September 4, 2008

Incomplete. There's absolutely nothing about what the queers are doing to our soil.
posted by hifiparasol at 2:56 AM on September 4, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Maybe it's the late hour, but I can't stop laughing at Dick's frequent reaction of yelling AAARGGH into public waste and mail receptacles.

I also love the phrase "Enough already! Let's move on to some OTHER area of sodomy!"
posted by hifiparasol at 3:08 AM on September 4, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

I feel sorry for this twisted little man. He's obviously a self-hating closet case, and he was so transparently titillated by the SHOCKING DETAILS OF ILLICIT SODOMITE SEX that he probably had to take a two-fingered whack at his micropecker after every page. He was so sexually repressed that the very idea of simple oral or anal sex itself, homosexual or not (they put the PENIS in their MOUTH! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!? fap), was extreme and tantalizingly forbidden to him. He probably endured a lifetime of unsatisfying, furtive, dutiful procreation/missionary-only humps with some frigid hag whose equipment he wasn't even compatible with, all the while dreaming of golden showers and hating himself for it.

Interestingly, the "details of sodomite sex" reads almost exactly like a page Fred "God Hates Fags" Phelps, a similar self-hating closet case, has/had on his website, especially the "they consume each other's waste" parts. This might even be the source material. Although Phelps' list consisted of hilariously detailed "statistics" like "fags consume 4,658 pounds of feces per annum".
posted by DecemberBoy at 3:55 AM on September 4, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I think Queen Dick doth protest too much.

And I don't care what HETEROsexuals do in their bedrooms but the thought of it makes me sick. (I don't like the thought of channel surfing and snoring w/ maybe 10 minutes of snogging every month).
posted by hooptycritter at 4:19 AM on September 4, 2008

Sorry, it's too early in the morning for me to wade through all of that hate.
posted by availablelight at 5:24 AM on September 4, 2008

"As you might imagine, saliva contains many germs and substances not normally found in the rectum."

Yeah. Because the most important worry in oral-anal contact is what germs will get into the anus.

Christ, what an asshole.
posted by caution live frogs at 5:30 AM on September 4, 2008 [5 favorites has favorites]

That was pretty exhaustive. He really did his research.
posted by bonobothegreat at 5:46 AM on September 4, 2008

This is the type of thing my mother would find lying around in some bathroom stall and bring home for me to read as a kid.
posted by autodidact at 6:42 AM on September 4, 2008

Unfortunately I'm at work so I can't really search for it on the Onion right now, but there's an old article there called "Gays keep sucking my cock" that this really brings to mind.
posted by kalessin at 6:47 AM on September 4, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

An alternative look at Dick
posted by Saxon Kane at 7:10 AM on September 4, 2008

Full of hate, but well-drawn by someone who knew how to cartoon, which is at least refreshing... and even occasionally funny. (The cop being led away by another cop saying "I got hit with a purse," for example. Not a terrible gag.) He had to do a lot of research to get all that stuff in there, so it isn't just a spew of idiotic ignorance. It's a spew of educated ignorance.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 7:42 AM on September 4, 2008

The Onion's Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?

Thanks, kalessin.
posted by bjrn at 8:04 AM on September 4, 2008

> Incomplete. There's absolutely nothing about what the queers are doing to our soil.

queen, please. what you need to be worrying about is what we've done to your drinking water.
posted by wreckingball at 8:24 AM on September 4, 2008

This is the type of thing my mother would find lying around in some bathroom stall and bring home for me to read as a kid.

I never find anything interesting in bathroom stalls...
posted by Molesome at 8:30 AM on September 4, 2008

> What is the hidden political agenda of the "gay" community?

Fuck, stumped me. Metafilter homosexuals, please fill us in.

We're using Sarah Palin to turn you queer. Is it working?
posted by roger ackroyd at 8:39 AM on September 4, 2008

I never find anything interesting in bathroom stalls...

Unlike this guy.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 8:48 AM on September 4, 2008

Full of hate, but well-drawn by someone who knew how to cartoon, which is at least refreshing...

I guess that's one way to look at it, sure.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:04 AM on September 4, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

The gay agenda.
posted by Dormant Gorilla at 9:16 AM on September 4, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

It probably won't surprise you to find out that he is also the author of Aids is Looking for You. Unfortunately, I can't find anywhere to buy it (the amazon pages says unavailable) or any product reviews.

I would however, love to see this comic on the seat of everyone in the republican convention. There would finally be a line to the men's restroom.
posted by Hactar at 9:27 AM on September 4, 2008

The real problem with gays that some of them EVEN HANDLE FOOD!

FOOD PEOPLE!!
posted by GuyZero at 9:29 AM on September 4, 2008

An alternative look at Dick

By Mr. Gizzi!
posted by not_that_epiphanius at 10:00 AM on September 4, 2008

We're using Sarah Palin to turn you queer. Is it working?

Um, yes...
posted by JeffK at 10:15 AM on September 4, 2008

bjrn, no problem! Thanks for finding it for me! Now I have to figure out if I should even click it. :)
posted by kalessin at 10:38 AM on September 4, 2008

The cop being led away by another cop saying "I got hit with a purse," for example. Not a terrible gag.

Actually, that was the one part of this goofy little mess that was really offensive, since it was in reference to the Stonewall Riots, the pivotal moment in gay rights history. It's the same as if he'd drawn two Birmingham cops, fresh from turning fire hoses on black civil rights protestors, saying "they chucked spears at me" or something like that. The "sodomite sex" stuff was just laughable since it's so obvious the author is secretly fascinated with it, but the "purse" thing was pretty crass.
posted by DecemberBoy at 1:54 PM on September 4, 2008

Being a sodomite in the Gay Lifestyle sounds BRILLIANT! I'd never heard about it until now. Do you think me and my boyfriend could join in next time there's a boring Tuesday?

lol at the guy in the 'letters' section asking which part of this isn't actually fact.
posted by mippy at 2:28 PM on September 4, 2008

I doubt the significance of Stonewall would have meant a thing to this jerk.
posted by mippy at 3:43 PM on September 4, 2008

The Lovely Ladies of Stonewall chucked their pumps (as well as anything else that wasn't nailed down) on the first nights of the riots, at least. The purse thing wasn't impossible, and speaking as a 'mo, I don't think it's effective as a slur.
posted by crataegus at 5:58 PM on September 4, 2008

Is the half-assed caricature of a gay spokesman/boogeyman... wearing a police uniform?

A Boy Scout leader uniform?
posted by five fresh fish at 8:02 PM on September 4, 2008

OK, I gotta confess that I kind of enjoyed it. Yes, it was bigoted, yes, it was hateful. But it engages in a kind of puerile purience that I'm always going to enjoy, no matter where it lies on the political spectrum.

I also love how it'll make *everybody* shit. Liberals shit because it's such a reactionary thing. Conservatives shit because the stuff described in there in such loving detail really does turn their hair. Hetboys shit because the gay stuff squicks 'em. Gays shit because they feel so slighted. The whole thing rapidly turns into a great big poo party.

And it has an arcane charm as well. A bit like a lawn jockey or a Tijuana Bible.

Comics needs more people like Dick Haver. He's like the right-wing S. Clay Wilson of the 1980's.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:37 PM on September 6, 2008

The Greek letter 'lambda' developed as an internationally-recognized symbol for homosexuals.

That does it! How will I practice my heterosexual lambda-calculus now?
posted by Monochrome at 10:11 PM on September 6, 2008

Do it again, Glen!
posted by contraption at 1:05 PM on September 16, 2008