Comments on: "Homosexuality: Legitimate Alternative Deathstyle"

"Homosexuality: Legitimate Alternative Deathstyle"

tehloki — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 22:48:10 -0800

Comics With Problems Presents the first of a two part series entitled "Dick Hafer was an asshole"

By: allen.spaulding

allen.spaulding — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 22:57:12 -0800

instadouble, just add water

By: empath

empath — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 22:57:21 -0800

He seemed really enthusiastic at describing the physical acts. It's almost a how-to guide.

By: allen.spaulding

allen.spaulding — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 22:57:56 -0800

wait, maybe I didn't see that here. Ignore me. IGNORE ME!

By: Fiasco da Gama

Fiasco da Gama — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 23:04:16 -0800

WARNING this chapter contains graphic details of the types of perverted acts homosexuals perform. We include them for your information, so you'll know exactly how depraved they are. We hope you are not too offended.

Uh, thanks?

By: TheOnlyCoolTim

TheOnlyCoolTim — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 23:19:37 -0800

Do you know what a what a "Golden Shower" is? Yes. Have you ever heard of fisting? Yes. What really happens in gay baths? I understand a great deal of gay sex. What is the hidden political agenda of the "gay" community? Fuck, stumped me. Metafilter homosexuals, please fill us in.

By: Blazecock Pileon

Blazecock Pileon — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 23:24:05 -0800

Sodomy really is a habit, just like smoking. When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I reach for is a big, juicy cock. I don't even think about it anymore, it's such a habit.

By: batmonkey

batmonkey — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 23:24:53 -0800

1. I remember when things like this were getting friends of mine thrown out of their homes, and it pisses me off yet again to know that this guy was causing all of that pain and didn't even have the ability to question anything that would make sleeping with the sex you're interested in for the first time seem somehow nefarious in its own right. Ugh. 2. "No! Stop!! Help!!" - Evil. This man was evil. 3. How weird when he exposes that most of his brand of homophobia is like the worried whispers of baby brothers hearing about everything for the first time and getting it all wrong but then not having anyone wiser about the way of things to sort them out once and for all. 4. Nearly every proof he gives for why queers are icky is true for "hetrosexuals", too, and often in far greater numbers. 5. I'd love to sit and interview someone of this mindset to try and get into each of their ideas and see where the edges meet up. I keep feeling like if we learned how to understand how to talk to people who have built up this kind of wall of illogic and fear, we could go far in solving many more problems than just this one.

By: Mikey-San

Mikey-San — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 23:37:19 -0800

Sodomy really is a habit, just like smoking. When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I reach for is a big, juicy cock. I don't even think about it anymore, it's such a habit. If a hundred people quote this, I'll send everyone in the thread a dollar. Okay, I won't actually send anyone a dollar. That could be a lot of people. I'll bake you all cookies instead. Not baking any goddamned cookies, either.

By: shockingbluamp

shockingbluamp — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 23:44:20 -0800

I am missing a lot of sex I guess.

By: longsleeves

longsleeves — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 23:58:11 -0800

Ah yes, the "The Siren Call Of The Homosexuals" (p. 3). I prefer the Annie Lennox recording, though of course many of our recruiters play the Judy Garland version while hiding in the bushes near high schools or the Senate Office Building.

By: winna

winna — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 00:19:38 -0800

It's an incomplete and sordid lifestyle, totally absorbed by illicit sex! Most of the contacts involve kissing - and that means saliva exchange.

That sounds just terrible. Where do I sign up?

By: Henry C. Mabuse

Henry C. Mabuse — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 00:22:43 -0800

OH NO! NOT KISSING!!! *retch*

By: From Bklyn

From Bklyn — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 00:48:08 -0800

It's as though it's written by a ten year old worried about cooties. Bizarre and sad. Thanks?

By: bardic

bardic — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 00:48:59 -0800

Two thoughts: 1) Dude, his name was Dick Hafer? 2) Gonna go out on a limb with this one, but I have a feeling Dick Hafer probably sucked on a few cocks in his day. Just guessing.

By: Astro Zombie

Astro Zombie — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 01:15:45 -0800

I ducked into a public bath To indulge in a little erotic math: One is a solo, and two is a pair, Three is a party, and four is a dare; Any higher number in the lavat'ry Is just that much more fun for me. Because what could be better than cottaging When you're in the mood for frottaging? But there was a man that we knew of Who illustrated a review of And made an ado of His interest in taboo love. Wherever we went, there he'd be With a pencil and paper set on his knee Through the glory hole in the lavat're Peering through to see whatever he could see. He watched us there quite greedily And his pencil flew quite speedily And he begged for more quite needily As he illustrated in the lavat're. He was a cartoonist he repeatedly asserted And he would remain long after the john was deserted And would take down notes with his eyes averted But we always figured that he was just perverted.

By: trip and a half

trip and a half — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 01:19:28 -0800

I couldn't read this, because my lifestyle is totally absorbed by illicit sex. It's also incomplete and sordid, by the way.

By: TheOnlyCoolTim

TheOnlyCoolTim — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 01:26:51 -0800

Actually, you know what, with all the talk about a secret homosexual agenda, I think it would be awesome if one actually exists - some policy shift shared among and worked for by millions of homosexuals yet without the awareness of us straights. (Bisexuals get to run errands but don't really know what's up.) I think it would be even more awesome if it's a complete non-sequitur, like the creation of a new national park or increased regulation of the financial markets. You guys can let me know. I promise to keep the gay secret.

By: trip and a half

trip and a half — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 01:36:41 -0800

We are planning to erect a phallus that will reach the moon. Don't tell anyone!

By: TheOnlyCoolTim

TheOnlyCoolTim — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 01:45:52 -0800

We are planning to erect a phallus that will reach the moon. Gay.

By: bardic

bardic — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 01:48:58 -0800

First rule of gay secret agenda club is there is no gay secret agenda. Just trips to the gym and really colorful ties.

By: Henry C. Mabuse

Henry C. Mabuse — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 01:50:48 -0800

I promise to keep the gay secret. I promise to keep the secret gay.

By: bjrn

bjrn — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 02:27:20 -0800

> I'd love to sit and interview someone of this mindset to try and get into each of their ideas and see where the edges meet up. I think this wouldn't only make you sad and/or angry. This is beyond logic, and nothing you can reason with. From page 9: It's disgusting, you can't tell who's perverted by looking at them. Barry: Are all the guys in here ... you know? George Sr.: Oh, no, no. No, not all of them. Barry: Yeah. It's never the ones you hope. George Sr.: Hope? Barry: Think.

By: Darned account name

Darned account name — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 02:32:03 -0800

Dick Hafer was just jealous because the "History of Sodomite Society" looks like way more fun than he ever had.

By: kalessin

kalessin — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 02:41:10 -0800

It's often said that if the rhetoric can be made to apply smoothly to another group by just inserting their nouns and stats into it (say, heterosexuals, for instance), that the rhetoric itself may be a bit suspect. Since I know quite a few heterosexuals who are into the same kinds of "deathstyles", even to the extent of having a noun substitute for the baths, I think I shall give this choice bit of rhetoric a miss, except for humor value.

By: subbes

subbes — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 02:45:59 -0800

Is the half-assed caricature of a gay spokesman/boogeyman... wearing a police uniform?

By: hifiparasol

hifiparasol — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 02:56:50 -0800

Incomplete. There's absolutely nothing about what the queers are doing to our soil.

By: hifiparasol

hifiparasol — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 03:08:49 -0800

Maybe it's the late hour, but I can't stop laughing at Dick's frequent reaction of yelling AAARGGH into public waste and mail receptacles. I also love the phrase "Enough already! Let's move on to some OTHER area of sodomy!"

By: DecemberBoy

DecemberBoy — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 03:55:22 -0800

I feel sorry for this twisted little man. He's obviously a self-hating closet case, and he was so transparently titillated by the SHOCKING DETAILS OF ILLICIT SODOMITE SEX that he probably had to take a two-fingered whack at his micropecker after every page. He was so sexually repressed that the very idea of simple oral or anal sex itself, homosexual or not (they put the PENIS in their MOUTH! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!? fap), was extreme and tantalizingly forbidden to him. He probably endured a lifetime of unsatisfying, furtive, dutiful procreation/missionary-only humps with some frigid hag whose equipment he wasn't even compatible with, all the while dreaming of golden showers and hating himself for it. Interestingly, the "details of sodomite sex" reads almost exactly like a page Fred "God Hates Fags" Phelps, a similar self-hating closet case, has/had on his website, especially the "they consume each other's waste" parts. This might even be the source material. Although Phelps' list consisted of hilariously detailed "statistics" like "fags consume 4,658 pounds of feces per annum".

By: hooptycritter

hooptycritter — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 04:19:33 -0800

I think Queen Dick doth protest too much. And I don't care what HETEROsexuals do in their bedrooms but the thought of it makes me sick. (I don't like the thought of channel surfing and snoring w/ maybe 10 minutes of snogging every month).

By: availablelight

availablelight — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 05:24:14 -0800

Sorry, it's too early in the morning for me to wade through all of that hate.

By: caution live frogs

caution live frogs — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 05:30:43 -0800

"As you might imagine, saliva contains many germs and substances not normally found in the rectum." Yeah. Because the most important worry in oral-anal contact is what germs will get into the anus. Christ, what an asshole.

By: bonobothegreat

bonobothegreat — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 05:46:10 -0800

That was pretty exhaustive. He really did his research.

By: autodidact

autodidact — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 06:42:24 -0800

This is the type of thing my mother would find lying around in some bathroom stall and bring home for me to read as a kid.

By: kalessin

kalessin — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 06:47:44 -0800

Unfortunately I'm at work so I can't really search for it on the Onion right now, but there's an old article there called "Gays keep sucking my cock" that this really brings to mind.

By: Saxon Kane

Saxon Kane — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 07:10:43 -0800

An alternative look at Dick

By: Guy_Inamonkeysuit

Guy_Inamonkeysuit — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 07:42:02 -0800

Full of hate, but well-drawn by someone who knew how to cartoon, which is at least refreshing... and even occasionally funny. (The cop being led away by another cop saying "I got hit with a purse," for example. Not a terrible gag.) He had to do a lot of research to get all that stuff in there, so it isn't just a spew of idiotic ignorance. It's a spew of educated ignorance.

By: bjrn

bjrn — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 08:04:51 -0800

The Onion's Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock? Thanks, kalessin.

By: wreckingball

wreckingball — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 08:24:33 -0800

> Incomplete. There's absolutely nothing about what the queers are doing to our soil. queen, please. what you need to be worrying about is what we've done to your drinking water.

By: Molesome

Molesome — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 08:30:27 -0800

This is the type of thing my mother would find lying around in some bathroom stall and bring home for me to read as a kid. I never find anything interesting in bathroom stalls...

By: roger ackroyd

roger ackroyd — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 08:39:47 -0800

> What is the hidden political agenda of the "gay" community? Fuck, stumped me. Metafilter homosexuals, please fill us in. We're using Sarah Palin to turn you queer. Is it working?

By: Guy_Inamonkeysuit

Guy_Inamonkeysuit — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 08:48:39 -0800

I never find anything interesting in bathroom stalls... Unlike this guy.

By: Blazecock Pileon

Blazecock Pileon — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 09:04:42 -0800

Full of hate, but well-drawn by someone who knew how to cartoon, which is at least refreshing... I guess that's one way to look at it, sure.

By: Dormant Gorilla

Dormant Gorilla — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 09:16:49 -0800

The gay agenda.

By: Hactar

Hactar — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 09:27:32 -0800

It probably won't surprise you to find out that he is also the author of Aids is Looking for You. Unfortunately, I can't find anywhere to buy it (the amazon pages says unavailable) or any product reviews. I would however, love to see this comic on the seat of everyone in the republican convention. There would finally be a line to the men's restroom.

By: GuyZero

GuyZero — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 09:29:52 -0800

The real problem with gays that some of them EVEN HANDLE FOOD! FOOD PEOPLE!!

By: not_that_epiphanius

not_that_epiphanius — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 10:00:53 -0800

An alternative look at Dick By Mr. Gizzi!

By: JeffK

JeffK — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 10:15:38 -0800

We're using Sarah Palin to turn you queer. Is it working? Um, yes...

By: kalessin

kalessin — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 10:38:27 -0800

bjrn, no problem! Thanks for finding it for me! Now I have to figure out if I should even click it. :)

By: DecemberBoy

DecemberBoy — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 13:54:44 -0800

The cop being led away by another cop saying "I got hit with a purse," for example. Not a terrible gag. Actually, that was the one part of this goofy little mess that was really offensive, since it was in reference to the Stonewall Riots, the pivotal moment in gay rights history. It's the same as if he'd drawn two Birmingham cops, fresh from turning fire hoses on black civil rights protestors, saying "they chucked spears at me" or something like that. The "sodomite sex" stuff was just laughable since it's so obvious the author is secretly fascinated with it, but the "purse" thing was pretty crass.

By: mippy

mippy — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 14:28:28 -0800

Being a sodomite in the Gay Lifestyle sounds BRILLIANT! I'd never heard about it until now. Do you think me and my boyfriend could join in next time there's a boring Tuesday? lol at the guy in the 'letters' section asking which part of this isn't actually fact.

By: mippy

mippy — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 15:43:05 -0800

I doubt the significance of Stonewall would have meant a thing to this jerk.

By: crataegus

crataegus — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 17:58:58 -0800

The Lovely Ladies of Stonewall chucked their pumps (as well as anything else that wasn't nailed down) on the first nights of the riots, at least. The purse thing wasn't impossible, and speaking as a 'mo, I don't think it's effective as a slur.

By: five fresh fish

five fresh fish — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 20:02:36 -0800

Is the half-assed caricature of a gay spokesman/boogeyman... wearing a police uniform? A Boy Scout leader uniform?

By: PeterMcDermott

PeterMcDermott — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 13:37:57 -0800

OK, I gotta confess that I kind of enjoyed it. Yes, it was bigoted, yes, it was hateful. But it engages in a kind of puerile purience that I'm always going to enjoy, no matter where it lies on the political spectrum. I also love how it'll make *everybody* shit. Liberals shit because it's such a reactionary thing. Conservatives shit because the stuff described in there in such loving detail really does turn their hair. Hetboys shit because the gay stuff squicks 'em. Gays shit because they feel so slighted. The whole thing rapidly turns into a great big poo party. And it has an arcane charm as well. A bit like a lawn jockey or a Tijuana Bible. Comics needs more people like Dick Haver. He's like the right-wing S. Clay Wilson of the 1980's.

By: Monochrome

Monochrome — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 22:11:14 -0800

The Greek letter 'lambda' developed as an internationally-recognized symbol for homosexuals. That does it! How will I practice my heterosexual lambda-calculus now?

By: contraption

contraption — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 13:05:31 -0800

Do it again, Glen!