Foreign Dirty Noises
September 5, 2008 1:22 PM   Subscribe

Things To Say During Sex

Also,
The Universal Comedy Flow Chart
and
Heavy Metal Band Names
posted by carsonb (92 comments total) 63 users marked this as a favorite

 
Thanks for that, Peaches.
posted by not_on_display at 1:27 PM on September 5, 2008 [5 favorites]


Awesome.

'Hail Satan!' is getting used in the near future.
Though, as I have mentioned earlier, I prefer 'I win!'.
posted by slimepuppy at 1:28 PM on September 5, 2008


TELL ME MORE ABOUT IT
posted by solipsophistocracy at 1:29 PM on September 5, 2008 [3 favorites]


I seriously doubt that "You are beautiful, like a moon" would make my partner happy, but hey, I believe this chart! It made me laugh, so it must be true!
posted by soundofsuburbia at 1:30 PM on September 5, 2008


"Who's your daddy abusive stepfather?"
posted by infinitywaltz at 1:31 PM on September 5, 2008 [3 favorites]


I seriously doubt that "You are beautiful, like a moon" would make my partner happy

"That's no moon. It's a space station!"

Seriously, though, at first I read that as "You are beautiful like a moron," which is also pretty funny.
posted by infinitywaltz at 1:32 PM on September 5, 2008 [2 favorites]


You're getting too old for sex hen your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
posted by netbros at 1:33 PM on September 5, 2008 [4 favorites]


You're getting too old for sex hen

I would like to see a picture of this "Sex Hen" I keep hearing about.
posted by Greg Nog at 1:36 PM on September 5, 2008 [15 favorites]


Things To Say During Sex

The best line comes from Led Zeppelin's "The Immigrant Song":

Valhalla! I am co-m-m-m-ing!!!!
posted by jonp72 at 1:36 PM on September 5, 2008 [4 favorites]


Holy crap, it's actually happened to me - I reached

"Bad -> Rhetorical Questions -> Wanna suck this shit? -> Dude?"

and then had to wipe soda off of my keyboard. I always thought spitting a drink was an internet allegory, like using LOL to signal something you thought was funny, but generally not enough to actually make you laugh out loud.
posted by FatherDagon at 1:37 PM on September 5, 2008 [1 favorite]


You can NEVER be too old for Sex Hen!
posted by briank at 1:40 PM on September 5, 2008 [1 favorite]


Man, the book of Revelations would be even better if Mexican Santa actually was in it.
posted by ignignokt at 1:40 PM on September 5, 2008 [1 favorite]


Embarrassing Situations -> Pratfall -> In Gas Chamber FTW.
posted by bunnytricks at 1:41 PM on September 5, 2008 [2 favorites]


Try as I might to love my life
I truly grow to hate her;
She calls out names as we make love --
The name of her vibrator.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:41 PM on September 5, 2008 [4 favorites]


I envision this flow chart as a classily colored desktop wallpaper. Maybe an antiqued paper overlay, some muted rainbow tones.
posted by redsparkler at 1:42 PM on September 5, 2008


I just pooped, a lot, on your dog

That's on the negative side? I must be doing something wrong.
posted by doctor_negative at 1:43 PM on September 5, 2008


I rule
At fuckin'.
My job
Is Truckin'
Don't stop
Keep suckin'
posted by ColdChef at 1:44 PM on September 5, 2008 [2 favorites]


Things To Say During Sex [more inside]

That confused me for a second.
posted by Combustible Edison Lighthouse at 1:44 PM on September 5, 2008 [16 favorites]


My favorite line is always: "Muster the Goombas!!"
posted by Diskeater at 1:45 PM on September 5, 2008 [1 favorite]


I would like to see a picture of this "Sex Hen" I keep hearing about.

Jessamyn showed us the sex hen once.

You don't want to see the sex hen.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 1:50 PM on September 5, 2008 [12 favorites]


redsparkler, I envision them as sepia-toned, antique maps, similar to the charts of the Known World from the 15th century.

Here there be Dragons, indeed.
posted by lekvar at 1:51 PM on September 5, 2008 [3 favorites]


Insightful Observations -> Everyday -> Neurotic -> Insipid -> Cereal

I haven't thought about Brunching Shuttlecocks in ages.
posted by yhbc at 1:51 PM on September 5, 2008 [2 favorites]


I love this [so much]
posted by cowbellemoo at 1:52 PM on September 5, 2008


Here's a dollar.

In change.

mostly pennies.

posted by GuyZero at 1:53 PM on September 5, 2008


I'm so pleased they mentioned DethKlok in the heavy metal band names flowchart. Metalocalpyse Now!
posted by mcstayinskool at 1:55 PM on September 5, 2008


Good stuff. Here's the blog where this stuff gets posted.
posted by unmake at 2:02 PM on September 5, 2008


Here's unmake's link. Doogie Horner is the culprit behind all three charts.
posted by carsonb at 2:04 PM on September 5, 2008 [1 favorite]


ColdChef: "I rule
At fuckin'.
My job
Is Truckin'
Don't stop
Keep suckin'
"


I rule at fuckin'
my job is truckin' don't stop
keep suckin' - I came.

attrib. Bashō ~1680
posted by PontifexPrimus at 2:05 PM on September 5, 2008 [4 favorites]


You bastard, jonp72. Ruined that song, ruined it for me.

(Frantically trepans skull, pours bleach in to remove the image of the the bastard offspring of Ron Jeremy and Robert Plant mounted to the prow of Charon's boat, spunking his way up the Styx).
posted by lalochezia at 2:07 PM on September 5, 2008 [1 favorite]


I rule
At fuckin'.
My job
Is Truckin'
Don't stop
Keep suckin'


epic win
posted by Addiction at 2:12 PM on September 5, 2008


slimepuppy : 'Hail Satan!' is getting used in the near future.

I sometimes say this to my coworkers when I'm leaving for the day. People get so used to hearing a generic farewell, that they rarely actually listen to the words that you are using. I'll make a point of walking out and saying "See you later" for a couple of days, then "Have a good night" for a bit, and then I'll slip in, in the exact same tone of voice, "Hail Satan!"

No one has noticed yet.
posted by quin at 2:16 PM on September 5, 2008 [17 favorites]


The best dirty talk.
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 2:17 PM on September 5, 2008


As for sex talk, I'm still sticking with:

All artefacts are palimpsests with infinite layers.


That shit is just hot.
posted by quin at 2:21 PM on September 5, 2008 [5 favorites]


"Surrender Dorothy!"
posted by Auden at 2:22 PM on September 5, 2008 [2 favorites]


I have moaned my own name just to see the reaction.
perhaps that's why it was a one-night stand.
posted by krautland at 2:25 PM on September 5, 2008 [1 favorite]


I rule
At fuckin'.
My job
Is Truckin'
Don't stop
Keep suckin'


Burma Shave.
posted by Mwongozi at 2:28 PM on September 5, 2008 [23 favorites]


^ Greg Nog: You're getting too old for sex hen
I would like to see a picture of this "Sex Hen" I keep hearing about.

Here you go!
Or close enough. (SFW)
posted by not_on_display at 2:29 PM on September 5, 2008 [1 favorite]


Badger badger badger badger badger badger badger mushroom mushroom!
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 2:31 PM on September 5, 2008 [4 favorites]


Not quite something to say during sex, but I like to imagine there's a guy/girl out there, somewhere, who just can't quite finish without bees. Because bees are inherently hilarious to me. And thus the desperate, panted phrase, "Get the jar!"

I will find you someday, mystery person, and there will be a long, incredibly uncomfortable silence.
posted by six-or-six-thirty at 2:32 PM on September 5, 2008 [19 favorites]


I'm can't believe they didn't have a branch on the chart for:

I'm sorry -> I was just thinking -> about Cosmos -> Carl Sagan was so awesome.
posted by shmegegge at 2:56 PM on September 5, 2008 [6 favorites]


I'm going to pound the farts out of you

Classy!
posted by The Power Nap at 3:05 PM on September 5, 2008


I suck at fuckin'
I rule at suckin'
But when Sex Hen was a cluckin'
I came...
posted by PeterMcDermott at 3:08 PM on September 5, 2008


Oh, yeah, Dimmu Borgir!
What?!
uh, I mean, uh, you little minx
---
‘Sex hen woman, I'm gonna mow you down
Sex hen woman, I'll rake and hoe you down
Sex hen woman, don't you see my silo rising high? High high high? High high hiiiiiiiiiiiieeee’
----

In just -> spring when the world is mud-luscious -> the little lame balloonman-> whistles -> far and -> wee
posted by Smedleyman at 3:20 PM on September 5, 2008


I looked over the heavy metal names Faulkner references section and wondered if "The Last Ding-Dong of Doom" or some variation thereof would make a great metal band name.
posted by raysmj at 3:25 PM on September 5, 2008


rwuuunoooolooluu!
posted by batmonkey at 3:37 PM on September 5, 2008


"Victory for the forces of democratic freedom!"
posted by letourneau at 3:50 PM on September 5, 2008 [3 favorites]


Good -> Genuine -> You are beautiful like -> a tree -> or a high class prostitute.
posted by Barry B. Palindromer at 4:05 PM on September 5, 2008 [2 favorites]


Once as a joke I thought it would be funny to, uh, punctuate my arrival with a great foghorn impression.

We both fell out of bed laughing,.
posted by pupdog at 4:09 PM on September 5, 2008 [1 favorite]


"I'm going to pound the farts out of you"

James Joyce said it better.
posted by An Infinity Of Monkeys at 4:15 PM on September 5, 2008 [2 favorites]


Saw this on everlastingblort, and loved it. Actually reminds me of the only 10 seconds of Sex and the City that I ever found enjoyable, regarding some guy and his horrifying version of bed talk.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 4:17 PM on September 5, 2008


They left out "thats the ticket!"
posted by captainsohler at 4:37 PM on September 5, 2008


The best dirty talk.

god i love dinosaur comics. thanks for reminding me.
posted by mrgrimm at 4:38 PM on September 5, 2008


They also left out sobbing quietly while whimpering "I'm sorry, mommy" over and over until the angels make it all better.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 4:40 PM on September 5, 2008 [2 favorites]


I must make some notes. 3x5 cards I think, with neon highlighter to mark the best options. Oh, and find a gal that will appreciate the time and effort I'm putting in.
posted by pupdog at 4:44 PM on September 5, 2008 [2 favorites]


The best line comes from Led Zeppelin's "The Immigrant Song":

Valhalla! I am co-m-m-m-ing!!!!


Or if you want to get really weird, 'In My Time Of Dying,'

Oh My Jee-zus! Oh My Jeez-us!
posted by jonmc at 4:55 PM on September 5, 2008


six-or-six-thirty likes his women like he likes his coffee - covered in bees!
posted by Billegible at 5:01 PM on September 5, 2008


"Thank You, come again!"
posted by LastOfHisKind at 5:17 PM on September 5, 2008


The best-ever MeFite advice on what to say in bed, largely thanks to the classic line "Otters all over my colander!"

Confidential to the future Mr. Elsa: when I start laughing inexplicably, this is why.
posted by Elsa at 5:19 PM on September 5, 2008


I'm going to use the "We're going to hell for this". For two people who had the, er, extremely mixed blessing of growing up fundie, it'll be hot.
posted by orange swan at 5:34 PM on September 5, 2008


I'm sorely dissappointed that "Wiccan Guidance Counselor" is not a real band.
posted by GeekAnimator at 5:39 PM on September 5, 2008


Least used exclamations heard during sex:

1. Mary Todd Lincoln! Mary Todd Lincoln!
2. Docking complete!
3. Lemme see here... righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.
4. Oh, yes! Change my long-distance service to Verizon!
5. Next stop, Santa Fe!
6. Once more into the breach!
7. Who's your legal guardian?!
posted by Rhaomi at 5:49 PM on September 5, 2008 [3 favorites]


Things that should have been listed...

Sorry about that!

You remind me of... (insert ANY name here; it's all bad)

I can see my house from here!

Are we there yet?

Super-Size It!

That's gonna leave a mark!

Yahtzee!

Houston, we have a problem!

You dirty little Community Organizer!

Deal... or No Deal?

Next stop, Lompoc! (much more common than Santa Fe)

Hurry up! Oprah's on!

Have we met?

Stronger than dirt!

Who is Number One?
You are... Number Six!

Digg this!

Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!
posted by wendell at 6:23 PM on September 5, 2008


Jesus Christ, that is some of the funniest shit I've seen in a long, long time. I mean, painfully funny, can't-breathe-I'm-laughing-so-hard funny. Great find.
posted by kcds at 6:52 PM on September 5, 2008


I'm thinking the recent conventions could lend a soundbite or two...

Sí se puede!
posted by lekvar at 6:53 PM on September 5, 2008 [2 favorites]


On a related note, I once tried to get my other half out of bed by whispering in his ear, "If you wake up right now, we have time for a quickie before work!" Unfortunately, he was in the middle of dreaming that he was on a game show, and said in his sleep, "I'll take the cash prize instead..."
All he remembers of that morning is waking up to a flurry of fists.
posted by Billegible at 6:54 PM on September 5, 2008 [6 favorites]


And of course...

Drill, baby, drill!
posted by lekvar at 6:55 PM on September 5, 2008 [2 favorites]


One time I thought it'd be funny to call out her mother's name during sex. It was.
posted by spork at 7:02 PM on September 5, 2008 [5 favorites]


yes, I have more (suggestions)...

This reminds me of a joke...

Loading... 20%... loading... 30%...

Is it SUPPOSED to do that?

Tell your dog to stop licking me... you don't have a dog?

(the lyrics to any TV theme song or commercial jingle)

MINE! MINE! ALL MINE!
posted by wendell at 7:19 PM on September 5, 2008


Is this something you'd be have to be getting laid to understand?
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 7:22 PM on September 5, 2008 [1 favorite]


Sure, the triple umlaut might be physically impossible, but how about the quadruple? DöömLäüt started as a band name, but finally settled in as the name of an EP by The Dictatortots.
posted by ewagoner at 7:53 PM on September 5, 2008


MINE! MINE! ALL MINE!

That is perfectly acceptable.
posted by boy detective at 8:13 PM on September 5, 2008 [1 favorite]


MetaFilter: Hello, Vicar!
posted by The Bellman at 8:36 PM on September 5, 2008


I have more suggestions . . .

Better like this, or better like this? (Optometrists only.)
posted by The Bellman at 8:41 PM on September 5, 2008


Now we know!
posted by Drexen at 8:43 PM on September 5, 2008 [2 favorites]


also missing: OM NOM NOM NOM
posted by grippycat at 9:56 PM on September 5, 2008 [4 favorites]


I PUT ON MY ROBE AND WIZARD HAT
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:09 PM on September 5, 2008 [2 favorites]


That's Wizard's Pizzle, Harry!
posted by joeblough at 11:47 PM on September 5, 2008


I don't know about Hen Sex, but there is Chicken Lady phone sex.
posted by asok at 3:30 AM on September 6, 2008


What, no airline food category in the comedy chart?
posted by Harry at 6:36 AM on September 6, 2008


"Let the Wookie win!"
posted by ColdChef at 10:03 AM on September 6, 2008 [3 favorites]


I'm sorely dissappointed that "Wiccan Guidance Counselor" is not a real band.

Yes! I was also compelled to google that one. Dang.
posted by hot soup girl at 10:26 AM on September 6, 2008


The hottest dirty talk yet
posted by OrangeDrink at 12:08 PM on September 6, 2008


I want a poster of the comedy one!
posted by pmaxwell at 3:59 PM on September 6, 2008


I PUT ON MY ROBE AND WIZARD HAT

What the fuck, I told you not to message me again.
posted by loquacious at 4:59 PM on September 6, 2008


Wouldn't yelling "I put on my robe and wizard hat" be kind of redundant? Wouldn't you just... put on your robe and wizard hat?
posted by tehloki at 5:20 PM on September 6, 2008


I don't recommend, "It puts the lotion on its skin".
posted by orange swan at 5:57 PM on September 6, 2008


You bastard, jonp72. Ruined that song, ruined it for me.

"We are your overlo-o-o-ords!" also works for that purpose.
posted by jonp72 at 6:54 PM on September 6, 2008


What the fuck, I told you not to message me again.

I can't understand you because I'm a MOTHERFUCKING RHINOCEROS.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:30 PM on September 6, 2008


Wouldn't yelling "I put on my robe and wizard hat" be kind of redundant? Wouldn't you just... put on your robe and wizard hat?

Not if you were cornholing a blind chick.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:32 PM on September 6, 2008 [2 favorites]


Science!
posted by homunculus at 2:53 PM on September 7, 2008


Worst I ever got was not actually during sex, but within the context of a sexual relationship:

"Don't tell me what to do. Just because you fuck like my dad doesn't mean you are him."

Because first I was like "Perhaps that's a really good thing - perhaps her dad is a really studly, virile kinda guy" and then I was like "Bluh?"

I've been drinking pretty much non-stop since that day.
posted by turgid dahlia at 3:12 PM on September 7, 2008 [3 favorites]


Somehow, "Who's your father?" just doesn't have the same ring to it.
posted by djfiander at 4:41 PM on September 7, 2008


« Older No really, it's good. It's from Florida's Educatio...  |  Hubba, Hubba, Hubba... Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments