Comments on: Foreign Dirty Noises

Foreign Dirty Noises

carsonb — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:22:57 -0800

Things To Say During Sex

Also, The Universal Comedy Flow Chart and Heavy Metal Band Names

By: not_on_display

not_on_display — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:27:50 -0800

Thanks for that, Peaches.

By: slimepuppy

slimepuppy — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:28:06 -0800

Awesome. 'Hail Satan!' is getting used in the near future. Though, as I have mentioned earlier, I prefer 'I win!'.

By: solipsophistocracy

solipsophistocracy — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:29:52 -0800

TELL ME MORE ABOUT IT

By: soundofsuburbia

soundofsuburbia — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:30:24 -0800

I seriously doubt that "You are beautiful, like a moon" would make my partner happy, but hey, I believe this chart! It made me laugh, so it must be true!

By: infinitywaltz

infinitywaltz — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:31:24 -0800

"Who's your ~~daddy~~ abusive stepfather?"

By: infinitywaltz

infinitywaltz — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:32:58 -0800

I seriously doubt that "You are beautiful, like a moon" would make my partner happy "That's no moon. It's a space station!" Seriously, though, at first I read that as "You are beautiful like a moron," which is also pretty funny.

By: netbros

netbros — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:33:40 -0800

You're getting too old for sex hen your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

By: Greg Nog

Greg Nog — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:36:37 -0800

You're getting too old for sex hen I would like to see a picture of this "Sex Hen" I keep hearing about.

By: jonp72

jonp72 — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:36:51 -0800

Things To Say During Sex The best line comes from Led Zeppelin's "The Immigrant Song": Valhalla! I am co-m-m-m-ing!!!!

By: FatherDagon

FatherDagon — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:37:42 -0800

Holy crap, it's actually happened to me - I reached "Bad -> Rhetorical Questions -> Wanna suck this shit? -> Dude?" and then had to wipe soda off of my keyboard. I always thought spitting a drink was an internet allegory, like using LOL to signal something you thought was funny, but generally not enough to actually make you laugh out loud.

By: briank

briank — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:40:09 -0800

You can NEVER be too old for Sex Hen!

By: ignignokt

ignignokt — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:40:23 -0800

Man, the book of Revelations would be even better if Mexican Santa actually was in it.

By: bunnytricks

bunnytricks — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:41:02 -0800

Embarrassing Situations -> Pratfall -> In Gas Chamber FTW.

By: Astro Zombie

Astro Zombie — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:41:49 -0800

Try as I might to love my life I truly grow to hate her; She calls out names as we make love -- The name of her vibrator.

By: redsparkler

redsparkler — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:42:11 -0800

I envision this flow chart as a classily colored desktop wallpaper. Maybe an antiqued paper overlay, some muted rainbow tones.

By: doctor_negative

doctor_negative — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:43:00 -0800

I just pooped, a lot, on your dog That's on the negative side? I must be doing something wrong.

By: ColdChef

ColdChef — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:44:21 -0800

I rule At fuckin'. My job Is Truckin' Don't stop Keep suckin'

By: Combustible Edison Lighthouse

Combustible Edison Lighthouse — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:44:45 -0800

Things To Say During Sex [more inside] That confused me for a second.

By: Diskeater

Diskeater — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:45:55 -0800

My favorite line is always: "Muster the Goombas!!"

By: ROU_Xenophobe

ROU_Xenophobe — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:50:21 -0800

I would like to see a picture of this "Sex Hen" I keep hearing about. Jessamyn showed us the sex hen once. You don't want to see the sex hen.

By: lekvar

lekvar — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:51:20 -0800

redsparkler, I envision them as sepia-toned, antique maps, similar to the charts of the Known World from the 15th century. Here there be Dragons, indeed.

By: yhbc

yhbc — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:51:47 -0800

Insightful Observations -> Everyday -> Neurotic -> Insipid -> Cereal I haven't thought about Brunching Shuttlecocks in ages.

By: cowbellemoo

cowbellemoo — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:52:10 -0800

I love this [so much]

By: GuyZero

GuyZero — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:53:02 -0800

Here's a dollar. In change. mostly pennies.

By: mcstayinskool

mcstayinskool — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:55:47 -0800

I'm so pleased they mentioned DethKlok in the heavy metal band names flowchart. Metalocalpyse Now!

By: unmake

unmake — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:02:59 -0800

Good stuff. Here's the blog where this stuff gets posted.

By: carsonb

carsonb — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:04:28 -0800

Here's unmake's link. Doogie Horner is the culprit behind all three charts.

By: PontifexPrimus

PontifexPrimus — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:05:45 -0800

ColdChef: "I rule At fuckin'. My job Is Truckin' Don't stop Keep suckin'" I rule at fuckin' my job is truckin' don't stop keep suckin' - I came. attrib. Bashō ~1680

By: lalochezia

lalochezia — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:07:44 -0800

You bastard, jonp72. Ruined that song, ruined it for me. (Frantically trepans skull, pours bleach in to remove the image of the the bastard offspring of Ron Jeremy and Robert Plant mounted to the prow of Charon's boat, spunking his way up the Styx).

By: Addiction

Addiction — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:12:39 -0800

I rule At fuckin'. My job Is Truckin' Don't stop Keep suckin' epic win

By: quin

quin — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:16:20 -0800

slimepuppy : 'Hail Satan!' is getting used in the near future. I sometimes say this to my coworkers when I'm leaving for the day. People get so used to hearing a generic farewell, that they rarely actually listen to the words that you are using. I'll make a point of walking out and saying "See you later" for a couple of days, then "Have a good night" for a bit, and then I'll slip in, in the exact same tone of voice, "Hail Satan!" No one has noticed yet.

By: Uppity Pigeon #2

Uppity Pigeon #2 — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:17:26 -0800

The best dirty talk.

By: quin

quin — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:21:22 -0800

As for sex talk, I'm still sticking with: All artefacts are palimpsests with infinite layers. That shit is just hot.

By: Auden

Auden — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:22:44 -0800

"Surrender Dorothy!"

By: krautland

krautland — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:25:29 -0800

I have moaned my own name just to see the reaction. perhaps that's why it was a one-night stand.

By: Mwongozi

Mwongozi — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:28:44 -0800

I rule At fuckin'. My job Is Truckin' Don't stop Keep suckin' Burma Shave.

By: not_on_display

not_on_display — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:29:29 -0800

^ Greg Nog: You're getting too old for sex hen I would like to see a picture of this "Sex Hen" I keep hearing about. Here you go! Or close enough. (SFW)

By: Ambrosia Voyeur

Ambrosia Voyeur — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:31:57 -0800

Badger badger badger badger badger badger badger mushroom mushroom!

By: six-or-six-thirty

six-or-six-thirty — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:32:45 -0800

Not quite something to say during sex, but I like to imagine there's a guy/girl out there, somewhere, who just can't quite finish without bees. Because bees are inherently hilarious to me. And thus the desperate, panted phrase, "Get the jar!" I will find you someday, mystery person, and there will be a long, incredibly uncomfortable silence.

By: shmegegge

shmegegge — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:56:38 -0800

I'm can't believe they didn't have a branch on the chart for: I'm sorry -> I was just thinking -> about Cosmos -> Carl Sagan was so awesome.

By: The Power Nap

The Power Nap — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 15:05:23 -0800

I'm going to pound the farts out of you Classy!

By: PeterMcDermott

PeterMcDermott — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 15:08:19 -0800

I suck at fuckin' I rule at suckin' But when Sex Hen was a cluckin' I came...

By: Smedleyman

Smedleyman — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 15:20:34 -0800

Oh, yeah, Dimmu Borgir! What?! uh, I mean, uh, you little minx --- 'Sex hen woman, I'm gonna mow you down Sex hen woman, I'll rake and hoe you down Sex hen woman, don't you see my silo rising high? High high high? High high hiiiiiiiiiiiieeee' ---- In just -> spring when the world is mud-luscious -> the little lame balloonman-> whistles -> far and -> wee

By: raysmj

raysmj — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 15:25:40 -0800

I looked over the heavy metal names Faulkner references section and wondered if "The Last Ding-Dong of Doom" or some variation thereof would make a great metal band name.

By: batmonkey

batmonkey — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 15:37:37 -0800

rwuuunoooolooluu!

By: letourneau

letourneau — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 15:50:04 -0800

"Victory for the forces of democratic freedom!"

By: Barry B. Palindromer

Barry B. Palindromer — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 16:05:43 -0800

Good -> Genuine -> You are beautiful like -> a tree -> or a high class prostitute.

By: pupdog

pupdog — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 16:09:09 -0800

Once as a joke I thought it would be funny to, uh, punctuate my arrival with a great foghorn impression. We both fell out of bed laughing,.

By: An Infinity Of Monkeys

An Infinity Of Monkeys — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 16:15:46 -0800

"I'm going to pound the farts out of you" James Joyce said it better.

By: Marisa Stole the Precious Thing

Marisa Stole the Precious Thing — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 16:17:56 -0800

Saw this on everlastingblort, and loved it. Actually reminds me of the only 10 seconds of Sex and the City that I ever found enjoyable, regarding some guy and his horrifying version of bed talk.

By: captainsohler

captainsohler — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 16:37:37 -0800

They left out "thats the ticket!"

By: mrgrimm

mrgrimm — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 16:38:58 -0800

The best dirty talk. god i love dinosaur comics. thanks for reminding me.

By: ROU_Xenophobe

ROU_Xenophobe — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 16:40:49 -0800

They also left out sobbing quietly while whimpering "I'm sorry, mommy" over and over until the angels make it all better.

By: pupdog

pupdog — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 16:44:32 -0800

I must make some notes. 3x5 cards I think, with neon highlighter to mark the best options. Oh, and find a gal that will appreciate the time and effort I'm putting in.

By: jonmc

jonmc — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 16:55:58 -0800

The best line comes from Led Zeppelin's "The Immigrant Song": Valhalla! I am co-m-m-m-ing!!!! Or if you want to get really weird, 'In My Time Of Dying,' Oh My Jee-zus! Oh My Jeez-us!

By: Billegible

Billegible — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 17:01:23 -0800

six-or-six-thirty likes his women like he likes his coffee - covered in bees!

By: LastOfHisKind

LastOfHisKind — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 17:17:20 -0800

"Thank You, come again!"

By: Elsa

Elsa — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 17:19:46 -0800

The best-ever MeFite advice on what to say in bed, largely thanks to the classic line "Otters all over my colander!" Confidential to the future Mr. Elsa: when I start laughing inexplicably, this is why.

By: orange swan

orange swan — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 17:34:43 -0800

I'm going to use the "We're going to hell for this". For two people who had the, er, extremely mixed blessing of growing up fundie, it'll be hot.

By: GeekAnimator

GeekAnimator — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 17:39:34 -0800

I'm sorely dissappointed that "Wiccan Guidance Counselor" is not a real band.

By: Rhaomi

Rhaomi — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 17:49:51 -0800

Least used exclamations heard during sex: 1. Mary Todd Lincoln! Mary Todd Lincoln! 2. Docking complete! 3. Lemme see here... righty-tighty, lefty-loosey. 4. Oh, yes! Change my long-distance service to Verizon! 5. Next stop, Santa Fe! 6. Once more into the breach! 7. Who's your legal guardian?!

By: wendell

wendell — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 18:23:49 -0800

Things that should have been listed... Sorry about that! You remind me of... (insert ANY name here; it's all bad) I can see my house from here! Are we there yet? Super-Size It! That's gonna leave a mark! Yahtzee! Houston, we have a problem! You dirty little Community Organizer! Deal... or No Deal? Next stop, Lompoc! (much more common than Santa Fe) Hurry up! Oprah's on! Have we met? Stronger than dirt! Who is Number One? You are... Number Six! Digg this! Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!

By: kcds

kcds — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 18:52:35 -0800

Jesus Christ, that is some of the funniest shit I've seen in a long, long time. I mean, painfully funny, can't-breathe-I'm-laughing-so-hard funny. Great find.

By: lekvar

lekvar — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 18:53:04 -0800

I'm thinking the recent conventions could lend a soundbite or two... Sí se puede!

By: Billegible

Billegible — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 18:54:14 -0800

On a related note, I once tried to get my other half out of bed by whispering in his ear, "If you wake up right now, we have time for a quickie before work!" Unfortunately, he was in the middle of dreaming that he was on a game show, and said in his sleep, "I'll take the cash prize instead..." All he remembers of that morning is waking up to a flurry of fists.

By: lekvar

lekvar — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 18:55:08 -0800

And of course... Drill, baby, drill!

By: spork

spork — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 19:02:44 -0800

One time I thought it'd be funny to call out her mother's name during sex. It was.

By: wendell

wendell — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 19:19:28 -0800

yes, I have more (suggestions)... This reminds me of a joke... Loading... 20%... loading... 30%... Is it SUPPOSED to do that? Tell your dog to stop licking me... you don't have a dog? (the lyrics to any TV theme song or commercial jingle) MINE! MINE! ALL MINE!

By: MiltonRandKalman

MiltonRandKalman — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 19:22:07 -0800

Is this something you'd be have to be getting laid to understand?

By: ewagoner

ewagoner — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 19:53:54 -0800

Sure, the triple umlaut might be physically impossible, but how about the quadruple? DöömLäüt started as a band name, but finally settled in as the name of an EP by The Dictatortots.

By: boy detective

boy detective — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 20:13:00 -0800

MINE! MINE! ALL MINE! That is perfectly acceptable.

By: The Bellman

The Bellman — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 20:36:53 -0800

MetaFilter: Hello, Vicar!

By: The Bellman

The Bellman — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 20:41:21 -0800

I have more suggestions . . . Better like this, or better like this? (Optometrists only.)

By: Drexen

Drexen — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 20:43:36 -0800

Now we know!

By: grippycat

grippycat — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 21:56:23 -0800

also missing: OM NOM NOM NOM

By: ROU_Xenophobe

ROU_Xenophobe — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 23:09:59 -0800

I PUT ON MY ROBE AND WIZARD HAT

By: joeblough

joeblough — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 23:47:11 -0800

That's Wizard's Pizzle, Harry!

By: asok

asok — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 03:30:44 -0800

I don't know about Hen Sex, but there is Chicken Lady phone sex.

By: Harry

Harry — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 06:36:00 -0800

What, no airline food category in the comedy chart?

By: ColdChef

ColdChef — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 10:03:59 -0800

"Let the Wookie win!"

By: hot soup girl

hot soup girl — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 10:26:35 -0800

I'm sorely dissappointed that "Wiccan Guidance Counselor" is not a real band. Yes! I was also compelled to google that one. Dang.

By: OrangeDrink

OrangeDrink — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 12:08:15 -0800

The hottest dirty talk yet

By: pmaxwell

pmaxwell — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 15:59:44 -0800

I want a poster of the comedy one!

By: loquacious

loquacious — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 16:59:16 -0800

I PUT ON MY ROBE AND WIZARD HAT What the fuck, I told you not to message me again.

By: tehloki

tehloki — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 17:20:42 -0800

Wouldn't yelling "I put on my robe and wizard hat" be kind of redundant? Wouldn't you just... put on your robe and wizard hat?

By: orange swan

orange swan — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 17:57:52 -0800

I don't recommend, "It puts the lotion on its skin".

By: jonp72

jonp72 — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 18:54:46 -0800

You bastard, jonp72. Ruined that song, ruined it for me. "We are your overlo-o-o-ords!" also works for that purpose.

By: ROU_Xenophobe

ROU_Xenophobe — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 19:30:50 -0800

What the fuck, I told you not to message me again. I can't understand you because I'm a MOTHERFUCKING RHINOCEROS.

By: ROU_Xenophobe

ROU_Xenophobe — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 19:32:58 -0800

Wouldn't yelling "I put on my robe and wizard hat" be kind of redundant? Wouldn't you just... put on your robe and wizard hat? Not if you were cornholing a blind chick.

By: homunculus

homunculus — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 14:53:33 -0800

Science!

By: turgid dahlia

turgid dahlia — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 15:12:24 -0800

Worst I ever got was not actually during sex, but within the context of a sexual relationship: "Don't tell me what to do. Just because you fuck like my dad doesn't mean you are him." Because first I was like "Perhaps that's a really good thing - perhaps her dad is a really studly, virile kinda guy" and then I was like "Bluh?" I've been drinking pretty much non-stop since that day.

By: djfiander

djfiander — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 16:41:59 -0800

Somehow, "Who's your father?" just doesn't have the same ring to it.