Is that a Spicey Sausage in Your Pants?

September 9, 2008 9:07 AM

The victims told deputies they awoke Saturday morning to the stranger applying spices to one of them and striking the other with an 8-inch sausage. Bill McEwen gives us the skinny on the pun fallout from such an event, along with an historical analysis of other sausage related assaults. Don't forget your Pappy's!
posted by thanotopsis (38 comments total)

an alleged home-invasion robber who wanted money in the wurst way

I wonder if journalists live for those moments when the editor lets them get away with bad puns.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:14 AM on September 9, 2008 [3 favorites]

The story is written like lolsausages, but if I woke up to find some guy dressed in boxer shorts putting meat spices on me, I'd be pretty goddamn freaked.
posted by DU at 9:14 AM on September 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

He's just working hard to put food on the family.
posted by porn in the woods at 9:16 AM on September 9, 2008 [11 favorites]

Was the perpetrator a guy from a Bugs Bunny cartoon?
posted by Mister_A at 9:19 AM on September 9, 2008

My favorite part of the story is:

Burrimond said Vasquez was arrested after deputies found a wallet containing his ID at the ransacked house just east of Fresno.

Dude, rule #1 of breaking into someone's house, rubbing spices on them and beating the other person with an 8" sausage is DO NOT LEAVE YOUR WALLET BEHIND.
posted by thanotopsis at 9:20 AM on September 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

Great link!
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 9:23 AM on September 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

rule #1 of breaking into someone's house, rubbing spices on them and beating the other person with an 8" sausage is DO NOT LEAVE YOUR WALLET BEHIND.

Right, you take the wallet and leave the money on the dresser.
posted by DU at 9:26 AM on September 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

Pappy's marketing whizzes
Really? Their marketing department consists of buckets of urine? No wonder they can't attract a more high-class clientele.
posted by echo target at 9:31 AM on September 9, 2008

Having grown up in California's Central Valley, I find this arrest much funnier. Who could have seen that coming?
posted by spork at 9:32 AM on September 9, 2008

I say let the guy go.
These guys now have the bast drinking story ever - and they'll have a news clipping to back it up.
It's shit like that you just can't buy in life.
posted by Tbola at 9:36 AM on September 9, 2008

The sausage was tossed away by the fleeing suspect and eaten by a dog.

Way to lose the evidence there.
posted by gingerbeer at 9:36 AM on September 9, 2008

The victims told deputies they awoke Saturday morning to the stranger applying spices to one of them and striking the other with an 8-inch sausage.

*is momentarily speechless*

God, who has more fun than people? I live for stories like this.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:38 AM on September 9, 2008 [3 favorites]

The sausage was tossed away by the fleeing suspect and eaten by a dog.

By far and away the best part, very Chaucerian.
posted by Divine_Wino at 9:46 AM on September 9, 2008

Was the perpetrator a guy from a Bugs Bunny cartoon?
posted by Mister_A

Be wevy, wevy qwuiet... I'm appwying hewbs and spwices.
posted by slimepuppy at 10:02 AM on September 9, 2008

You just know that this was sexual in some way. In much the same way you know "sausage" is code for something else.

I'm guessing it was actually a turkey drumstick.
posted by quin at 10:04 AM on September 9, 2008

Police report.
posted by pracowity at 10:26 AM on September 9, 2008

Defendant: "Your honor, I swear I never saw such sausage!"
posted by hydrophonic at 10:28 AM on September 9, 2008

Oh dammit, the second link beat me to it.
posted by hydrophonic at 10:30 AM on September 9, 2008

This could have ended in a really ugly fashion - clearly he was casing the place. Luckily, Fresno PD sent out their seasoned officers. The perp, currently behind bars giving his captors salty looks, is being held for Use of Andouille Force.
posted by porn in the woods at 10:36 AM on September 9, 2008 [5 favorites]

"I'm gonna just cover you from head to toe in Paul Prudhomme's Seafood Magic. Don't struggle now . . .a few capers, some onion and garlic. What's that? No I'm not going to eat you [!] that woud be crazy." *wacks victim with a sausage and runs out the backdoor laughing like daffy duck*
posted by nola at 10:48 AM on September 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

Breaking into someone's home and rubbing them with meat spices is just one of many things that seems like a great idea after your 4th day up on meth. Other brilliant tweaker brainstorms include spackling your neighbor's house with Aquacrest, going for a run in a jogging suit made from live cats and fornicating with the watermelons in the grocer's produce section.
posted by The Straightener at 11:04 AM on September 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

If somebody attacked me with Polish sausage, I'd just kiel over.
posted by Shepherd at 11:07 AM on September 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

The victim may have been peppered, but at least he wasn't assaulted.
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:08 AM on September 9, 2008

The sausage was tossed away by the fleeing suspect and eaten by a dog.

Lorena Bobbitt was aiming for an ending like this one, I think.
posted by cirocco at 11:27 AM on September 9, 2008

This is equal parts Fail and Awesome. It would have tilted towards Awesome had it been the first "sausage related assault," of course.
posted by tommasz at 11:33 AM on September 9, 2008

This dreadful sausage crime recalls
My encounter with a popcorn ball,
And the attack at the hands of a lunatic
Who beat me with a Pixy stick,
And to this day I wonder why
I was assaulted with a kidney pie,
And I think back with mortal dread
Of my near death by baguette bread,
And still I whimper and I shiver
At my brutal night with flash-cooked liver.
But nobody can find neither reason not rhyme
As to what inspires such gastronomic crimes.

Of legal recourses
I'm afraid there is none,
As if fine dining is outlawed
Only outlaws will have buns.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:48 AM on September 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

Gotta be the next Bill Gates / Jerry Seinfeld ad. "These sausages run tight."
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 11:50 AM on September 9, 2008

If somebody attacked me with Polish sausage, I'd just kiel over.

Stop being such a brat.
posted by sapere aude at 11:54 AM on September 9, 2008

Tbola writes "These guys now have the bast drinking story ever - and they'll have a news clipping to back it up.
"It's shit like that you just can't buy in life."

Craigslist > Erotic Services > M4M

I will cover you with meat spices and beat you with an eight-inch sausage. It will be the best drinking story ever, you'll keep it for the rest of your life.

120 roses. No weirdos.
posted by mullingitover at 12:18 PM on September 9, 2008

It's worth noting that this is Fresno, a relatively violent town not populated by the sharpest tools in the shed, apt to make poor consumer choices that have made it ground zero in the housing bust.

Goddammit I'm glad I don't live there anymore. Arizona weather, Oklahoma culture and California prices.
posted by el_lupino at 12:49 PM on September 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

Suspect has been grilled by Fresno police; he's a former gang-banger.
posted by porn in the woods at 1:10 PM on September 9, 2008

Is this what happens at these "sausage parties" I've heard so much about?
posted by louche mustachio at 1:19 PM on September 9, 2008

I'm glad I don't live there anymore

Had this crime occurred elsewhere in California the weapons of choice would have been a zesty raspberry vinaigrette and organically grown zucchini.
posted by CynicalKnight at 2:30 PM on September 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

Other brilliant tweaker brainstorms include spackling your neighbor's house with Aquacrest, going for a run in a jogging suit made from live cats and fornicating with the watermelons in the grocer's produce section.

Why do I have the sneaking suspicion that you are not speaking in hypotheticals, here?

Is this what happens at these "sausage parties" I've heard so much about?

Close. Very close.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:39 PM on September 9, 2008

my turn...

Let me be perfectly frank, this guy was a loser, not a wiener.

But the whole story sounds like a lot of baloney.

I guess you can't knock it if you haven't tried it, but this guy definitely did not have the knack.

I wonder if the police have linked him to other crimes.

He really should've been prosecuted for hunting out of season. Yeah, there's the rub.
posted by wendell at 5:31 PM on September 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

wendell,

How do you expect me to believe this when you don't give the links?
posted by lukemeister at 5:59 PM on September 9, 2008

Update: Alleged sausage attacker set free

If I lived in Fresno, I'd be lowering my blinds and deadbolting my doors right now.
posted by porn in the woods at 2:45 PM on September 12, 2008

If I lived in Fresno, I'd already own double deadbolts and light-blocking blinds, plus a pocket taser and a three-week emergency food supply. Fresno is one of the most likely places in America for the Zombie Attacks to start. In fact, the last time I visited there, I thought they had already started. (This statement has nothing to do with the fact that my ex has family there)

In fact, the more that I think about, Fresno's locally-made sausages and Pappy's seasoning mixes would probably find their best use as weapons. This man is an innovator, not a criminal.
posted by wendell at 3:12 PM on September 12, 2008 [1 favorite]