Comments on: Is that a Spicey Sausage in Your Pants?

Is that a Spicey Sausage in Your Pants?

thanotopsis — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 09:07:49 -0800

The victims told deputies they awoke Saturday morning to the stranger applying spices to one of them and striking the other with an 8-inch sausage. Bill McEwen gives us the skinny on the pun fallout from such an event, along with an historical analysis of other sausage related assaults. Don't forget your Pappy's!

By: Blazecock Pileon

Blazecock Pileon — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 09:14:03 -0800

an alleged home-invasion robber who wanted money in the wurst way I wonder if journalists live for those moments when the editor lets them get away with bad puns.

By: DU

DU — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 09:14:49 -0800

The story is written like lolsausages, but if I woke up to find some guy dressed in boxer shorts putting meat spices on me, I'd be pretty goddamn freaked.

By: porn in the woods

porn in the woods — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 09:16:45 -0800

He's just working hard to put food on the family.

By: Mister_A

Mister_A — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 09:19:50 -0800

Was the perpetrator a guy from a Bugs Bunny cartoon?

By: thanotopsis

thanotopsis — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 09:20:19 -0800

My favorite part of the story is: Burrimond said Vasquez was arrested after deputies found a wallet containing his ID at the ransacked house just east of Fresno. Dude, rule #1 of breaking into someone's house, rubbing spices on them and beating the other person with an 8" sausage is DO NOT LEAVE YOUR WALLET BEHIND.

By: BozoBurgerBonanza

BozoBurgerBonanza — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 09:23:12 -0800

Great link!

By: DU

DU — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 09:26:09 -0800

rule #1 of breaking into someone's house, rubbing spices on them and beating the other person with an 8" sausage is DO NOT LEAVE YOUR WALLET BEHIND. Right, you take the wallet and leave the money on the dresser.

By: echo target

echo target — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 09:31:57 -0800

Pappy's marketing whizzes Really? Their marketing department consists of buckets of urine? No wonder they can't attract a more high-class clientele.

By: spork

spork — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 09:32:11 -0800

Having grown up in California's Central Valley, I find this arrest much funnier. Who could have seen that coming?

By: Tbola

Tbola — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 09:36:23 -0800

I say let the guy go. These guys now have the bast drinking story ever - and they'll have a news clipping to back it up. It's shit like that you just can't buy in life.

By: gingerbeer

gingerbeer — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 09:36:28 -0800

The sausage was tossed away by the fleeing suspect and eaten by a dog. Way to lose the evidence there.

By: EmpressCallipygos

EmpressCallipygos — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 09:38:31 -0800

The victims told deputies they awoke Saturday morning to the stranger applying spices to one of them and striking the other with an 8-inch sausage. *is momentarily speechless* God, who has more fun than people? I live for stories like this.

By: Divine_Wino

Divine_Wino — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 09:46:29 -0800

The sausage was tossed away by the fleeing suspect and eaten by a dog. By far and away the best part, very Chaucerian.

By: slimepuppy

slimepuppy — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 10:02:46 -0800

Was the perpetrator a guy from a Bugs Bunny cartoon? posted by Mister_A Be wevy, wevy qwuiet... I'm appwying hewbs and spwices.

By: quin

quin — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 10:04:24 -0800

You just know that this was sexual in some way. In much the same way you know "sausage" is code for something else. I'm guessing it was actually a turkey drumstick.

By: pracowity

pracowity — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 10:26:52 -0800

Police report.

By: hydrophonic

hydrophonic — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 10:28:54 -0800

Defendant: "Your honor, I swear I never saw such sausage!"

By: hydrophonic

hydrophonic — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 10:30:35 -0800

Oh dammit, the second link beat me to it.

By: porn in the woods

porn in the woods — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 10:36:36 -0800

This could have ended in a really ugly fashion - clearly he was casing the place. Luckily, Fresno PD sent out their seasoned officers. The perp, currently behind bars giving his captors salty looks, is being held for Use of Andouille Force.

By: nola

nola — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 10:48:50 -0800

"I'm gonna just cover you from head to toe in Paul Prudhomme's Seafood Magic. Don't struggle now . . .a few capers, some onion and garlic. What's that? No I'm not going to eat you [!] that woud be crazy." *wacks victim with a sausage and runs out the backdoor laughing like daffy duck*

By: The Straightener

The Straightener — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 11:04:09 -0800

Breaking into someone's home and rubbing them with meat spices is just one of many things that seems like a great idea after your 4th day up on meth. Other brilliant tweaker brainstorms include spackling your neighbor's house with Aquacrest, going for a run in a jogging suit made from live cats and fornicating with the watermelons in the grocer's produce section.

By: jamaro

jamaro — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 11:05:15 -0800

The sausage was tossed away by the fleeing suspect and eaten by a dog. Right, like there was ever a sausage.

By: Shepherd

Shepherd — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 11:07:24 -0800

If somebody attacked me with Polish sausage, I'd just kiel over.

By: Faint of Butt

Faint of Butt — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 11:08:07 -0800

The victim may have been peppered, but at least he wasn't assaulted.

By: cirocco

cirocco — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 11:27:39 -0800

The sausage was tossed away by the fleeing suspect and eaten by a dog. Lorena Bobbitt was aiming for an ending like this one, I think.

By: tommasz

tommasz — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 11:33:58 -0800

This is equal parts Fail and Awesome. It would have tilted towards Awesome had it been the first "sausage related assault," of course.

By: Astro Zombie

Astro Zombie — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 11:48:34 -0800

This dreadful sausage crime recalls My encounter with a popcorn ball, And the attack at the hands of a lunatic Who beat me with a Pixy stick, And to this day I wonder why I was assaulted with a kidney pie, And I think back with mortal dread Of my near death by baguette bread, And still I whimper and I shiver At my brutal night with flash-cooked liver. But nobody can find neither reason not rhyme As to what inspires such gastronomic crimes. Of legal recourses I'm afraid there is none, As if fine dining is outlawed Only outlaws will have buns.

By: weapons-grade pandemonium

weapons-grade pandemonium — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 11:50:59 -0800

Gotta be the next Bill Gates / Jerry Seinfeld ad. "These sausages run tight."

By: sapere aude

sapere aude — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 11:54:54 -0800

If somebody attacked me with Polish sausage, I'd just kiel over. Stop being such a brat.

By: mullingitover

mullingitover — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 12:18:19 -0800

Tbola writes "These guys now have the bast drinking story ever - and they'll have a news clipping to back it up.
"It's shit like that you just can't buy in life." Craigslist > Erotic Services > M4M I will cover you with meat spices and beat you with an eight-inch sausage. It will be the best drinking story ever, you'll keep it for the rest of your life. 120 roses. No weirdos.

By: el_lupino

el_lupino — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 12:49:28 -0800

It's worth noting that this is Fresno, a relatively violent town not populated by the sharpest tools in the shed, apt to make poor consumer choices that have made it ground zero in the housing bust. Goddammit I'm glad I don't live there anymore. Arizona weather, Oklahoma culture and California prices.

By: porn in the woods

porn in the woods — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 13:10:53 -0800

Suspect has been grilled by Fresno police; he's a former gang-banger.

By: louche mustachio

louche mustachio — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 13:19:20 -0800

Is this what happens at these "sausage parties" I've heard so much about?

By: CynicalKnight

CynicalKnight — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 14:30:28 -0800

I'm glad I don't live there anymore Had this crime occurred elsewhere in California the weapons of choice would have been a zesty raspberry vinaigrette and organically grown zucchini.

By: dirtynumbangelboy

dirtynumbangelboy — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 14:39:09 -0800

Other brilliant tweaker brainstorms include spackling your neighbor's house with Aquacrest, going for a run in a jogging suit made from live cats and fornicating with the watermelons in the grocer's produce section. Why do I have the sneaking suspicion that you are not speaking in hypotheticals, here? Is this what happens at these "sausage parties" I've heard so much about? Close. Very close.

By: wendell

wendell — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 17:31:35 -0800

my turn... Let me be perfectly frank, this guy was a loser, not a wiener. But the whole story sounds like a lot of baloney. I guess you can't knock it if you haven't tried it, but this guy definitely did not have the knack. I wonder if the police have linked him to other crimes. He really should've been prosecuted for hunting out of season. Yeah, there's the rub.

By: lukemeister

lukemeister — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 17:59:51 -0800

wendell, How do you expect me to believe this when you don't give the links?

By: porn in the woods

porn in the woods — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 14:45:30 -0800

Update: Alleged sausage attacker set free If I lived in Fresno, I'd be lowering my blinds and deadbolting my doors right now.

By: wendell

wendell — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 15:12:18 -0800

If I lived in Fresno, I'd already own double deadbolts and light-blocking blinds, plus a pocket taser and a three-week emergency food supply. Fresno is one of the most likely places in America for the Zombie Attacks to start. In fact, the last time I visited there, I thought they had already started. (This statement has nothing to do with the fact that my ex has family there) In fact, the more that I think about, Fresno's locally-made sausages and Pappy's seasoning mixes would probably find their best use as weapons. This man is an innovator, not a criminal.