Too bad the guy was only thirty eight - just two years older, he'd have been worth three times the points...

September 11, 2008 1:43 PM

Did you grow up anticipating sports where death would be likely, if not certain? Almost certainly played by convicts, possibly with robot limbs? And which would be even more likely to have chainsaws and flamethrowers not usually found in the sports of today? Those We Left Behind’s look at Future-sports of the past, in videogames, movies and comics is for you!
posted by Artw (41 comments total)

Best future sport seen in a movie: Jugger, from The Blood of Heroes. Kind of like rugby, but with sticks and chains. The only future sport I can recall seeing that actually works as a sport and is fun to play.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:56 PM on September 11, 2008 [2 favorites]

They don't use real dog skulls? Rutger Hauer would not approve.
posted by Artw at 1:58 PM on September 11, 2008

Blood of Heroes was called Salute of the Jugger in the UK... which is about a million times more awesome.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:01 PM on September 11, 2008

In the year 3000 there'll be no more Olympic Games, World Series, or Superbowl. There'll be only... DEATHSPORT!
Plot: Futuristic Science Fiction about a sport to the death, using "destructocycles".

Years ago I read the novelization of this bought secondhand and I've always had the urge to watch it..
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:07 PM on September 11, 2008

Speaking of robot limbs, you must've been watching too much NFL on FOX lately.
posted by clearly at 2:10 PM on September 11, 2008

There isn't anything that can't be made better by adding deathstructocycles.
posted by Artw at 2:10 PM on September 11, 2008

Deathsport: Niciphor went on to say that later in the shoot, Carradine hit him in the right eye with a karate first
posted by Artw at 2:13 PM on September 11, 2008

What, no Smash TV?

Man, I loved that game.
posted by gurple at 2:14 PM on September 11, 2008 [2 favorites]

I was going to suggest American Pro Thunderball, BUT UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES IS THE GUN TO BE TOUCHED AT ANY POINT DURING THE GAME.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:19 PM on September 11, 2008 [2 favorites]

My personal favorite future sport movie is Futuresport starring Dean Cain and Wesley Snipes. The characters in the film actually refer to the game as Futuresport, because they live in, you know, the future.

Also, was I the only one who was excited about SlamBall? I was all like "Hey everybody, here's one of those crazy futuristic sports we always think are going to become popular at some point! Between this and BattleBots, we'll have Thunderdome in no time!" That was a lonely bandwagon to be on, let me tell you.
posted by burnmp3s at 2:20 PM on September 11, 2008

I want BattleBots back!

Holy Fuck that show was awesome. Ziggo ftw!
posted by clearly at 2:24 PM on September 11, 2008

Is that some inferior Robot Wars knock-off? I always objected to the rules against contestants using exlposives, flames or electrical discharges.

Holy crap, Joe Haldeman wrote Robot Jox!
posted by Artw at 2:28 PM on September 11, 2008

Well, a lot of these movies came out of the escapism needed by those who dealt with the threat of nuclear war with Soviet Russia. Seeing as Putin really wants to get Russia back to a Cold War era superpower, we can look forward to a resurgance of these great films as the omnipresent threat of world shattering war will push more of these dystopian action movies out of Hollywood.

Lungren and Hauer needed more work anyways.
posted by The Power Nap at 2:31 PM on September 11, 2008

If I remember correctly, BattleBots was on Comedy Central at least 6 months before Robot Wars came out on TNN, or whatever network it was on.

In my opinion, Battlebots was far superior.
posted by clearly at 2:34 PM on September 11, 2008

According to his autobiography Hauer lives in a cargo container he drives on the back of a truck from set-to-set and which has a motortcycle in the back. Now that’s living your roles!
posted by Artw at 2:36 PM on September 11, 2008

Blernsball?
posted by blue_beetle at 2:37 PM on September 11, 2008 [2 favorites]

I've often wondered what it would take to make, at the very least, crippling an opponent an acceptable outcome in certain sports. I'm thinking mainly of the fighting sports, here. It just seems that, eventually, it's going to happen in some regional sub-genre of ultimate fighting (or whatever they call it)

Of course, going on the "if you can imagine it, someone is probably already doing it" theory, there's probably already fighting-to-the-death matches going on in some basement arena somewhere in this world.

In a world, where life itself has no value...
posted by Thorzdad at 2:38 PM on September 11, 2008

I'm sure I can remember Hauer going on Wogan to promote Jugger... which was about as weird as you can imagine
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:48 PM on September 11, 2008

I wanted to point to Rollerball as the granddaddy of them all, but:

a) Apparently Death Race 2000 came out the same year (1975).

2) Rollerball is a misunderstood but actually kinda-good movie -- so doesn't fit the general theme here.
posted by Herodios at 2:50 PM on September 11, 2008

I've always wanted to see a version of "Survivor" where the losers actually don't survive.
posted by lou at 2:54 PM on September 11, 2008

Rollerball is a misunderstood but actually kinda-good movie

I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say about Death Race 2000 here...
posted by Artw at 2:56 PM on September 11, 2008

Also you'll see that 2000ad ripped off Rollerball a whole bunch of times, so it has some granddaddy status there.
posted by Artw at 2:58 PM on September 11, 2008

No mutant league football/hockey?
posted by puke & cry at 3:00 PM on September 11, 2008

I've often wondered what it would take to make, at the very least, crippling an opponent an acceptable outcome in certain sports.

The threat of crippling someone already exists in several sports. Think of a wide receiver being asked to "go over the middle" in American football. He's being asked to deliberately expose himself to the high likelihood of a blind side hit from a safety or a linebacker, with a low likelihood for a significant, long-yardage gain.

A lot of guys simply won't do it, and a lot of teams know their guys won't do it, or won't do it well enough to avoid the risk of an interception, so they don't bother trying it.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:01 PM on September 11, 2008

Rollerball is a misunderstood but actually kinda-good movie

Probably counts if only from the associated taint of the remake, a film that reviewed so badly I never bothered with it despite being FUTURESPORT!

This of course won't stop me with the Death Race remake when it makes DVD... as it sounds like it's way into so-bad-it's-good territory
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:03 PM on September 11, 2008

Rollerball is, BTW, pretty much Roller Derby.
posted by Artw at 3:07 PM on September 11, 2008

The New Death Race movie is equal parts:
Death Race 2000
Running Man
No Escape
Mario Kart

Not too bad as far as disposable action fixes go.
posted by The Power Nap at 3:18 PM on September 11, 2008 [1 favorite]

Sold!
posted by Artw at 3:19 PM on September 11, 2008

Did you grow up anticipating sports where death would be likely, if not certain?


Oh yeah, all the time. Back then, we called it "gym class."
posted by louche mustachio at 3:23 PM on September 11, 2008

Hell, you want violence, just go watch minor league hockey in Quebec. They drop the puck and their gloves at about the same time.
posted by GuyZero at 3:25 PM on September 11, 2008

The threat of crippling someone already exists in several sports. Think of a wide receiver being asked to "go over the middle" in American football.

Yeah, but that would be an unintended accident. I'm talking about purposeful crippling. Intentionally breaking arms, legs, spine, etc. as an accepted (encouraged?) strategy for victory.
posted by Thorzdad at 3:25 PM on September 11, 2008

Cf. Patrick Roy's son
posted by GuyZero at 3:27 PM on September 11, 2008

I'm talking about purposeful crippling.

WTF was that guy's name... oh yeah, Todd Bertuzzi who, on orders from his coach, cross-checked Steve Moore from behind. To quote wikipedia on Moore's injuries:

"He suffered three fractured vertebrae in his neck, a grade three concussion, vertebral ligament damage, stretching of the brachial plexus nerves, and facial cuts. To date, Moore has not appeared in another professional hockey game."

Ah, the future is now. At least in Vancouver.
posted by GuyZero at 3:31 PM on September 11, 2008

Yeah, but that would be an unintended accident.

Well, I guess (no sarcasm intended) there is indeed a thin line between intentional crippling and "if you come over here I'm going to hit you as hard as I fucking can in the back, there's nothing you can do about it and guys have been crippled before doing it."

although technically, Stingley wasn't going over the middle

Intentional, though. Hmm. In boxing, your literal goal is to render your opponent unable to stand up for 10 seconds. In most combat sports, like both boxing and ultimate fighting, one of the determining factors for a referee stoppage is that one of the participants is unable to intelligently defend himself. I'd call this intentionally incapacitating, if not crippling.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 4:05 PM on September 11, 2008

I came to this thread specifically to say Blood of Heroes is an awesome movie. See I was beaten on it in the first comment, so instead I say: Blood of Heroes is a really awesome movie.
posted by Bookhouse at 4:15 PM on September 11, 2008

I grew up watching sports where death was likely. Motor racing to be specific, in the early 1970s.

The 1970 F1 World Championship for instance, where the champion, Jochen Rindt, was dead by the time he was crowned. Or the 1973 Indy 500.

To be honest, it kind of put me off real live death. I got into Monty Python instead.
posted by philip-random at 5:58 PM on September 11, 2008 [2 favorites]

I always thought America would have this one in place by now. The 12 year old from the 80's in me is kinda disappointed.
posted by nudar at 6:46 PM on September 11, 2008

No Deathball?
posted by Samizdata at 10:03 PM on September 11, 2008

A relative of mine saw someone die right in front of them at the TT race back in the day... I see the death rate is still pretty high.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:40 AM on September 12, 2008

Come on, Artw, you should have posted this past midnight.
posted by ersatz at 7:40 AM on September 12, 2008

What, no mention of Liberty City Survivor?
posted by Vindaloo at 8:49 AM on September 12, 2008