Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.

September 18, 2008 2:39 PM

The Ghetto Big Mac

Awesome thing #949: Ordering off the menu at fast food restaurants

posted by carsonb (68 comments total)

ima have a getto hart attak wut
posted by boo_radley at 2:40 PM on September 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

The lettuce is wrinkled, the sauce dried out and the bun is hard, this is so old.
posted by cashman at 2:48 PM on September 18, 2008

So, over complex orders have trickled down from Starbucks?
posted by TwelveTwo at 2:49 PM on September 18, 2008

Don't try that at Murkey Burgers, they will punch you in the dick.
posted by Artw at 2:54 PM on September 18, 2008 [6 favorites]

Ah, um, these guys, the Internets Celebrities, previously.
posted by carsonb at 2:56 PM on September 18, 2008

Big Macs are $3.39? Wow, am I out of touch.
posted by netbros at 2:57 PM on September 18, 2008

I think I just threw up in my mouth a lot.
posted by shmegegge at 3:06 PM on September 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

23K Big Macs
posted by fixedgear at 3:07 PM on September 18, 2008

There's no real winner here; actually everyone loses.
posted by hal_c_on at 3:12 PM on September 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

Protip: For ultra Mch4X, check the dumpster out back for the errant lettuce detritus that will complete your Ghetto Big Mac.
posted by Demogorgon at 3:13 PM on September 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

Step 4: explosive, greasy diarrhea.
posted by stavrogin at 3:15 PM on September 18, 2008 [3 favorites]

O ye gods that looks disgusting.
posted by echo target at 3:20 PM on September 18, 2008

Those are some ghetto big mooks.

Skinny people of the world: please upload video to the internet of yourselves conniving to acquire and then lip-smackingly enjoying unhealthy food. Perhaps then I can stop seeing my own ass when watching people eat junk.

My own FF hack is the filet o' mac. You really must try the filet! A revelation! A fish patty substitute on any sandwich, a big mac most of all, is such sumptuous succor to my moral sensibility when I dine.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 3:20 PM on September 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

I worksed at McDonaldsback in high school, and the best off-menu concoctions came at the crossover between breakfast and the rest of the menu. My personal favorite was an english muffin double cheeseburger with a fried egg, and hot fudge sundae pancakes. Mcdonalds has recently added the chicken biscuit to their breakfast menu, which was also a behind the scenes favorite back in the day.
posted by billyfleetwood at 3:21 PM on September 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

Can you substitute McRibs for a bun?
posted by Artw at 3:23 PM on September 18, 2008 [3 favorites]

A fish patty substitute on any sandwich, a big mac most of all, is such sumptuous succor to my moral sensibility when I dine.

ambrosia voyeur: you should really eat out more often. at a restaurant where you don't have to order at the counter. *any* restaurant where you don't have to order at the counter.
posted by msconduct at 3:31 PM on September 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

Ghetto fabulous, to be sure.

I've been a vegetarian for 35 years though, so what do I know? It did make me wistful for our late lamented Kebab Palace, where the Super Falafel came with french fries wrapped inside.

Mmmmmm. Three all chickpea & parsley patties, special sauce (hummus/tahini), lettuce, tomatoes, turnip pickles, french fries IN a fresh baked pita wrapper.
posted by beelzbubba at 3:34 PM on September 18, 2008 [4 favorites]

Wasn't it here that I saw the thing where some dudes had replaced all the bread on a Big Mac with McChicken patties? Or was that on Lifehacker? Or was it just in my livid, feverish nightmares?
posted by penduluum at 3:35 PM on September 18, 2008

What made that video completely awesome for me was the earnestness of it all. Absolutely no notion that McDonald's is un-food. Just a sincere and successful effort to put one over on the man in pursuit of a big mac. Fantastic.
posted by Shutter at 3:41 PM on September 18, 2008 [6 favorites]

23K Big Macs
posted by fixedgear at 3:07 PM on September 18 [+] [!]

Jeezus. Almost two a day? for thirty-six years? OK, this guy's in my dead pool.
posted by beelzbubba at 3:41 PM on September 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

"Ok, I want a Big Mac, with quarter pounders patties, and I want the lettuce replaced with McRibs and the buns replaced with McChicken patties, with extra bacon and cheese. And I want the whole thing fried.

I also want extra Big Mac sauce on the side for my chicken McNuggets, and... uh... a large chocolate shake please. "

I like to call this, McDead-between-meal-and-parking-lot
posted by quin at 3:45 PM on September 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

Of course there’s the story of the guy who wandered into The Mermaid in Leith, handed over his own severed penis and asked them to deep-fry it. That pretty much beats anything.
posted by Artw at 3:49 PM on September 18, 2008

Making a show of hating McDonald's is very 2004-era-Internets.
posted by Space Coyote at 3:50 PM on September 18, 2008 [4 favorites]

When I went on vacation, every meal was some kind of food I hadn't eaten before. After three days on a train, I was so ready to be home that I decided I wanted to eat the most familiar thing I could get: McDonalds. They even forgot I asked for no pickles, just like every McDonalds I've ever been to. It felt good to be home.


And can we please take a moment to admire how they're pulling something over on McDonalds. Granted, it's not that big of a deal, but after spreading through every nation in the world it's nice to remember there are people cheating them. So I commend you ghetto burger and employee theft! I commend you guy who keeps a McDonalds cup for free refills and drive through guys that smoke pot in the fridge! Keep up the good work/mischief.
posted by metricfan at 3:51 PM on September 18, 2008

"Ok, I want a Big Mac, with quarter pounders patties, and I want the lettuce replaced with McRibs and the buns replaced with McChicken patties, with extra bacon and cheese. And I want the whole thing fried.

I also want extra Big Mac sauce on the side for my chicken McNuggets, and... uh... a large chocolate shake diet coke please, I'm watching my weight."
posted by stavrogin at 3:52 PM on September 18, 2008 [3 favorites]

Definitely begging for a double axe-handle smash.
posted by donpedro at 3:52 PM on September 18, 2008

stavrogin : diet coke please, I'm watching my weight.

Heh, initially, I wrote this very thing, because it just seems right. It didn't seem to work as well for my pro-death theme though.
posted by quin at 3:56 PM on September 18, 2008

Extra points for the Sanford and Son music.

I like Big Macs. Once in a while I get a craving. By the time I'm done with it, I wonder why I had the craving. But I don't like the center bun at all. I end up removing it most of the time. So I wouldn't bother building a fake center bun out of fries.

So for me, double cheeseburger with Big Mac sauce instead of catsup might just be exactly what I need. I don't mind asking for a little something special, but I hate being high maintenance. It's worth $2.29 to not look like be a douche.

Free bonus bit of my brain: I worked at Big Boy restaurant in the RenCen in downtown Detroit as a teenager. Big Boy's signature sandwich was the surprisingly-named Big Boy Sandwich. It was a Big Mac clone, with special sauce that was probably just thousand island dressing with a different label. I actually LOVED cooking those things. There was something about the process that was fun: filling the griddle with patties, flipping them 2 at a time with a long spatula, then assembling on the buns with the toppings. Tasted better than a Big Mac, too, at least to me.

My memorable Big Boys: (1) A regular customer always ordered his rare. I mean rare. Slap those patties on the griddle about 5 seconds each side, and that was it! It was just raw meat, not even warm! I hope he had a strong stomach. (2) My brother was the manager, and he called back a to-go order from the walk-up counter for 2 Big Boys late one night. After I sent them out, he came back to the kitchen to tell me those burgers were for Mick Jagger and Keith Richards. They had just finished their Detroit concert and were staying at the hotel in the RenCen.
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 4:10 PM on September 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

msconduct: there was some sarcasm that you missed there, but to clarify, I don't really like to eat fast food, but if I'm stuck with it, the fact is that the haddock or pollock (fish sandwich) is the only sustainable protein option by my standards at the big burger chains.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 4:27 PM on September 18, 2008

Kind of gross thing I used to do when I was a preteen mallrat:

Go to McDonald's. Find an abandoned, not trashed beverage cup. Rinse it out in the bathroom. Grab a fresh straw. Go to counter. Ask for a refill.
posted by Sys Rq at 4:35 PM on September 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

Did he steal that WGA hat?
posted by Zambrano at 4:44 PM on September 18, 2008

That made me horny.
posted by a lot is two words at 4:46 PM on September 18, 2008

I like Big Macs. Once in a while I get a craving. By the time I'm done with it, I wonder why I had the craving
I have exactly the same thing happen to me but with Burger King and their damn poutine. I will have one about once a year, and be all happy when I get it, and then about halfway through it start questioning my sanity for ordering such a thing. Then I'll do it all over again about a year later.
posted by barc0001 at 4:55 PM on September 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

...When I went on vacation...

One of the ten commandments of travelling is this: McDonald's is your bitch. Everyone has spent hundreds and even thousands of dollars of their own money there. If you've just walked down a Shinto mountain in Fukuoka, Japan and you've got mud all over your shoes, you have full rights to use as much paper in the bathroom as you need to clean that mud off.

They even have McDonald's restaurants in Tibet for when you step in yak shit!
posted by sleslie at 5:16 PM on September 18, 2008 [2 favorites]

What a couple of fat idiots.
posted by luckypozzo at 5:20 PM on September 18, 2008

You know, if you eat nothing but McDonalds food for, say, a 30-day period, you'll get fatter and not feel so well. It's true; I saw it in a movie once.



Also, my girl is addicted to McRibs the way Imelda Marcos was addicted to shoes. She'll cross three lanes of traffic just to get one. It's the only time she eats at McDonalds. Sad.
posted by Pecinpah at 5:25 PM on September 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

Always round those fast food meals with a SMALL DIET SPRITE!
posted by Ron Thanagar at 5:29 PM on September 18, 2008

i just ate a ghetto big mac. i'm ashamed for several different reasons.
posted by ianaces at 5:34 PM on September 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

sleslie,

That is a great point about McDonalds being your bitch, I never thought of that. I think that would be especially true in a foreign country.
posted by metricfan at 6:07 PM on September 18, 2008

Here in In-N-Out-Land, the Double Double now costs LESS than a McDonalds Big Mac. Talk about "no comparison".
posted by wendell at 6:12 PM on September 18, 2008

McDonald's is your bitch. Everyone has spent hundreds and even thousands of dollars of their own money there.

Voluntarily, one assumes. Thus thumping your premise a bit.
posted by Cyrano at 6:19 PM on September 18, 2008

LOVE THE VID, hate that grub
posted by femmme at 6:50 PM on September 18, 2008

It was a Big Mac clone, with special sauce that was probably just thousand island dressing with a different label. I actually LOVED cooking those things.

The small text made me think you loved cookies on those things.
posted by smackfu at 7:38 PM on September 18, 2008

I won't be impressed until they can turn a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger into the Baconator.
posted by saraswati at 8:04 PM on September 18, 2008

Wendy’s - The Grand Slam. If the single, double, or triple hamburgers at Wendy’s just don’t cut it for you, just go all out and order the massive four-patty grand slam. Also known as the Classic Quadruple or The Meat Cube Quadruple Bypass with Cheese.



Have these guys ever been to a Five Guys? That is one tasty burger.
posted by odinsdream at 8:26 PM on September 18, 2008

In college I was a big proponent of the McDonald's grilled cheese. Half the time they wouldn't know what to charge and they would sell it to me for the price of a water (25 cents!). I am not a vegetarian, but I am definitely cheap.

The Subway pizza sub still eludes me. It's hit-or-miss when I go to the Subway near my work - sometimes they know what I'm talking about, sometimes they give me a blank stare.
posted by kerning at 8:56 PM on September 18, 2008

I like Big Macs. Once in a while I get a craving. By the time I'm done with it, I wonder why I had the craving

I have exactly the same thing happen to me but with Burger King and their damn poutine. I will have one about once a year, and be all happy when I get it, and then about halfway through it start questioning my sanity for ordering such a thing. Then I'll do it all over again about a year later.

I have an annual bucket o' chicken from KFC. I generally get two or three bites into the first piece before I remember how much I hate their greasy, slippery fried chicken.
posted by joedan at 1:18 AM on September 19, 2008

RARGH tomorrow for lunch I am having a double-double animal style at In N Out! (I'm so impressionable...)
posted by thedaniel at 2:34 AM on September 19, 2008

@ In-n-Out:
Double Double, animal style + fries + neapolitan shake = $6.36
Cheeseburger, animal style + neapolitan shake = $4.01

I'm not sure how these prices compare to similar food at other chains.
posted by Korou at 2:53 AM on September 19, 2008

IN-N-OUT:
4x4, Ketchup instead, grilled onions = satiety.
posted by BrotherCaine at 3:06 AM on September 19, 2008

whenever I eat McDonalds I regret it about halfway through. - Thats about when you realise you are eating a dry overcooked beef patty in sweet but tastless bun with some generic tastless 'mustard' and 'ketchup'.. (its funny as I remember them being better than they actually are..)

then i don't eat it again until the next major roadtrip where there seems to be nothing else open in town.

Oporto Bondi Chicken burgers on teh other hand.. damn thats one of the major fast food stuffs that i miss from Australia.
posted by mary8nne at 4:03 AM on September 19, 2008

I worksed at McDonaldsback in high school, and the best off-menu concoctions came at the crossover between breakfast and the rest of the menu. My personal favorite was an english muffin double cheeseburger with a fried egg, and hot fudge sundae pancakes. Mcdonalds has recently added the chicken biscuit to their breakfast menu, which was also a behind the scenes favorite back in the day.

Amen. That 11:00 AM crossover was the only time working back in the kitchen wasn't unliveably awful... the bacon from the morning sandwiches was still hot (and they would throw it out if you didn't use it to make some kind of Franken-sandwich!), the biscuits were already warmed up, the nuggests and the fries were just getting friend up for the first time, and the world was a happier place. It was a shame that the fajitas came pre-assembled, because that was where the best hope for truly groundbreaking work lay.

And then there was the time they added a burger to the menu that had barbecue sauce on it, which was outside the store's normal supply lines... nobody knew which canister to put in the caulk guns (because that's how all sauces are dispensed at the Golden Arches--color-coded featureless white canisters of mass-produced sauces, to be given out one trigger-pull at a time), and we were afraid we'd have to open 5,000 individual packets of chicken nugget sauce to stockpile enough for the evening rush. Luckily, at the last minute, someone found a couple of canisters in the back supply room that were the correct shade of brown. We made maybe 50 of those new sandwiches over the course of the day, and then I took my dinner break and decided to try a barbecue-sauce-Big-Mac-sauce hybrid on my filet-o'-fish (don't ask: mine was a delicate craft, not meant for the faint of heart). It tasted... not at all like expected. Sweeter. Thicker. More cloying. With a hint of something that wasn't the smoky BBQ flavor contrasted with the tangy Thousand Island zip I had expected. Upon closer examination, we then discovered that we had, in fact, dropped canisters of chocolate sauce into the caulk guns. 50 people had been the unwitting subjects of our alchemical hijinks, and not one of them had said anything.

So carry on, you stalwart warriors of getting-weird-sandwiches-for-a-dollar. For that way lies fast food nirvana.
posted by Mayor West at 4:53 AM on September 19, 2008 [7 favorites]

odinsdream, we have a Five Guys Burgers and Fries...don't know if it's the same or they're a chain, but the burgers are super. They also offer free unshelled peanuts as an appetizer; you just grab handfuls of them from barrels.
posted by MsElaineous at 5:48 AM on September 19, 2008

When I went back to carnivorism after 13 years as a vegetarian, I craved Big Macs. Even the things that were bad about it were good.
Twice.
After that the things that were bad about it were just bad.
posted by Billegible at 7:27 AM on September 19, 2008

Thanks for the thread.... I am now hungry for unhealthy fast food. On a side note:

My truly unhealthy concoction of the day would have to be 2 fold. You go to McDs for a big mac, throw away the buns and replace with chicken patties, add special sauce, 6 strips of think cut peppered bacon, then go to Dunkin Donuts split your fav donut (strawberry frosted is a good choice) down the middle and use it as your new bun. I call it the chest tightener.

Or you can super size it by doing the same mentioned above but instead of just one crappy doughnut you can use 2 jelly filled instead! This variation is known as the arm number.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 7:33 AM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

I like Big Macs. . .

and I cannot lie.
posted by The Bellman at 7:45 AM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

Also extensive, extensive discussion of the "ghetto latte" and all it and the terminology imply.
posted by The Bellman at 7:47 AM on September 19, 2008

Argh! How did that happen. Ghetto latte.
posted by The Bellman at 7:48 AM on September 19, 2008

There's quite a few price workarounds with McDonalds (atleast there were when I last went to one)

I remember back when they had the smaller breakfast burritos, it was actually cheaper to specifically order two of them and a coffee than to get the "meal" which was the same exact thing but 60 cents more....yep no hash brown there either.
posted by samsara at 7:49 AM on September 19, 2008

On a semi-related note, Burger King is my least favorite fast food place, but is the closest to my office. So I end up going there just out of convenience. The only thing on the menu I consistently like is the tendercrisp chicken sandwich. I walked in yesterday, and was hungrier than usual. But no matter how hungry I am, I can never really eat big portions. (Buffets make a ton of profit on me.) But there was a sign advertising a special tendercrisp sandwich with bacon and cheese added! How could I resist?

Well. I ate about half and realized that even though I love bacon, and cheese, it made the one item I like BK inedible. Skip that one.
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 8:33 AM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

Have these guys ever been to a Five Guys? That is one tasty burger.

The fries are better, but they do make a tasty burger.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 8:56 AM on September 19, 2008

the surprisingly-named Big Boy Sandwich. It was a Big Mac clone

T'other way round, IIRC.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:30 AM on September 19, 2008

Do zombies dream of eating Big Macs?
posted by doctorschlock at 9:42 AM on September 19, 2008

the surprisingly-named Big Boy Sandwich. It was a Big Mac clone

T'other way round, IIRC.

Yeah, while working at Big Boy, we were always told the Big Boy came first, but I can't seem to find a definite answer.
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 9:47 AM on September 19, 2008

Was that Shoney's Big Boy, or Bob's Big Boy? Secret Salt?
posted by fixedgear at 12:05 PM on September 19, 2008

Elias Brothers' Big Boy! I think it was Elias Brothers in just Michigan. Once you went south of the border to Ohio it was Shoney's.

Out here in Montana, where I now live, it was JB's Big Boy. But our local JB's dropped the "Big Boy" at least 10 years ago, so it's just plain old JB's. I'm not sure if they share any menu items with Big Boy.
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 1:14 PM on September 19, 2008

Extra points for the Sanford and Son music.

IT AIN'T JUNK FOOD, DUMMY.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 4:09 PM on September 19, 2008

I rarely eat fast-food, but recently read an article about off-menu ordering and happily discovered the Big Mac Chicken, which is simply a Big Mac made with chicken patties instead of burgers. Same price as a regular Big Mac, but twice as delicious. Highly recommended.
posted by johnnyace at 5:12 AM on September 23, 2008