Land, ho!

September 18, 2008 5:58 PM

Tomorrow is Talk Like a Pirate Day. In honor of that, lift your voices and talk like a woman pirate, mateys! Piracy may have mainly been a boyzone, but the high seas saw a number of female captains and crew members as well, sometimes the subjects of fanciful stories and fetishes (possibly NSFW).

Previously on MeFi for TLAPD: 1, 2, 3, 4

posted by notashroom (88 comments total)

I want to start TLLAPD day, where you basically just talk like the LAPD.
posted by [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST] at 6:02 PM on September 18, 2008 [10 favorites]

Pirate Encyclopedia.
posted by blaneyphoto at 6:10 PM on September 18, 2008 [3 favorites]

....calling out sick is sounding like a good idea.
posted by mephron at 6:14 PM on September 18, 2008

Last year's TLAPD was great on flickr. It caused massive amusement, bewildered people and also a surprisingly serious and large band of humourless cocks that totally failed to see what place 'fun' had on a photo-sharing site. There were even a number of people claiming that the Jolly Roger partially obscuring the flickr logo on each page was almost impossible to tell from a 'very serious and worrying hacker attack'.

It was fantastic. Translating the site into Pirate speak was also a great touch.

Sadly, I think the element of surprise may not be there (even if they recognise it this year), so I'm sure I'll miss guffawing at the blustering doom-sayers this year.
posted by Brockles at 6:15 PM on September 18, 2008

Pssssssh. Pirates were awesome like 6 years ago. After Johnny Depp made pirates awesome for everyone it became not as awesome for us who were into pirates before that... It's just like indie rock.
posted by Lacking Subtlety at 6:16 PM on September 18, 2008 [4 favorites]

Enough already, I'm getting kinda sick of this.
posted by nightchrome at 6:16 PM on September 18, 2008

metafilter: a surprisingly serious and large band of humourless cocks
posted by An Infinity Of Monkeys at 6:29 PM on September 18, 2008 [4 favorites]

metafilter: a surprisingly serious and large band of humourless cocks

Hmmmm. I thought I took a stab at it.

Oh well. I guess I better start spelling color with a u.
posted by Lacking Subtlety at 6:32 PM on September 18, 2008

Can we switch it to, like, I dunno, "Talk Like Quentin Crisp" day?
posted by everichon at 6:32 PM on September 18, 2008

Also: my cock is humorless. Our hens, though, they do love themselves a larf.
posted by everichon at 6:35 PM on September 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

Geez, already?! Didn't we just do this? Aaaargh!!!!
posted by Space Kitty at 6:35 PM on September 18, 2008

I've heard that Somali is actually pretty hard to learn, particularly just for the purpose of speaking it for one day. Also, nobody's going to understand you, so what's the point?
posted by George_Spiggott at 6:36 PM on September 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

Bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
Bloodninja: Are you willing?
sweet17: What do you need me to do?
Bloodninja: I need you talk like a pirate.
sweet17: ???
Bloodninja: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"
Bloodninja: ok?
Bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You can't be serious
Bloodninja: Oh yes I am!
Bloodninja: It's my fantasy.
sweet17: this is retarded

/mandatory
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 6:39 PM on September 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

Okay, here goes:

"Cut your engines or we open fire!"

"Where's the purser's office, asshole?"

"Open the safe or I'll blow your fucking head off!"

"You'd better hope someone thinks you're worth ransoming or you're shark food, tubby."

I don't know, it doesn't seem particularly witty or clever and I can't see going around saying stuff like that tomorrow going over particularly well.
posted by George_Spiggott at 6:51 PM on September 18, 2008 [3 favorites]

I got dibsies on Roberto Clemente!

What.
posted by Ron Thanagar at 6:54 PM on September 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm going to sing like a pirate.

Oh wait, I don't speak German.
posted by louche mustachio at 7:00 PM on September 18, 2008

I'm gonna talk like this Pirate.
posted by fixedgear at 7:06 PM on September 18, 2008

MetaFilter: I'm getting kinda sick of this.
posted by netbros at 7:06 PM on September 18, 2008

The "hot pirate babes" have a totally hideous airbrushing and art work done to the background, and them. I believe I saw at least one nipple that was lost in the brushing, and I was half expecting to see a moonscape with a wolf behind it.
posted by mrzarquon at 7:08 PM on September 18, 2008

One of the true blessings of working at home is that I can blissfully while-away my day tomorrow without once being treated to this idiocy.
posted by Thorzdad at 7:12 PM on September 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

Myarrr.

I don't know what I'm doing...
posted by ageispolis at 7:12 PM on September 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

I will be celebrating with Captain Dan & The Scurvy Crew. I was startled at how well they managed to mesh the two "genres."
posted by ktrey at 7:15 PM on September 18, 2008

Can we switch it to, like, I dunno, "Talk Like Quentin Crisp" day?

Now THAT would be fun. Motion seconded.
posted by longsleeves at 7:17 PM on September 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'll celebrate this by watching reruns of my favorite show.




















E.R.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 7:19 PM on September 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

What is truth?

Are thou the king of the Jews?

Ye have brought this man unto me, as one that perverteth the people; and behold, I, having examined him before you, have found no fault in this man touching those things whereof ye accuse him.

Oh, wait....
posted by eriko at 7:20 PM on September 18, 2008 [15 favorites]

Okley-dokely

What day is "Talk Like Ned Flanders Day" again?
posted by jaronson at 7:21 PM on September 18, 2008

TLLAPD day, where you basically just talk like the LAPD.

Go for the Jack Webb Sgt. Friday, NOT the Dan Aykroyd (which was just a failed attempt at Webb). For his sidekick, nobody remembers Ben Alexander (a shame), but doing Henry Morgan, make sure you avoid any references to his role on M*A*S*H (Dragnet's Morgan never said "Horse-hockey!") But then, Vic Mackey and the Strike Team on "The Shield" are also LAPD (as much as the real-life LAPD would like to ignore them). Or, for giggles, you can do Fred Dwyer in "Hunter". Lots to choose from.
posted by wendell at 7:22 PM on September 18, 2008

"Talk Like Quentin Crisp" day?

I can talk like Quisp, is that close enough?
posted by wendell at 7:28 PM on September 18, 2008

metafilter: a surprisingly serious and large band of humourless cocks

MetaFilter: a surprisingly serious and humorless band of large cocks.

Oh, how one can wish such were true.
posted by ericb at 7:49 PM on September 18, 2008

I am going to celebrate talk like a ninja day instead:

" ."
posted by Joey Michaels at 7:49 PM on September 18, 2008 [3 favorites]

The Pirate Bay (Choose your language)

(Sorry. I'll get my coat....)
posted by Kronos_to_Earth at 7:50 PM on September 18, 2008

Six or so years ago, I remember laughing heartily at that ninja site. RealUltimatePower.com, maybe? It was amusing! It was amusing, and purposefully terrible, and totally fucking ridiculous. It was a clever distraction.
Little did I know what a tsunami of shit that simple, barely-literate site would touch off. Everyone who encouraged that ninja/pirate trend by telling people about how they liked that site, myself included, is the Neville Chamberlain of unbearable Internet memes.
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 7:51 PM on September 18, 2008 [4 favorites]

"Copy that floppy"
posted by blueberry at 7:53 PM on September 18, 2008

talk like a woman pirate

Oh, poot.
posted by boo_radley at 7:54 PM on September 18, 2008

Song of the Lesbian Pirates.

Song of the Lesbian Pirates Ep. II.

Song of the Lesbian Pirates Ep. III.
posted by ericb at 7:56 PM on September 18, 2008

The Good Ship Venus.
posted by Sailormom at 8:03 PM on September 18, 2008

I want to start TLLAPD day, where you basically just talk like the LAPD.

"Open up! We have a warrant for Eazy-E's arrest!"
posted by Mayor Curley at 8:05 PM on September 18, 2008

E.R.

I think you mean "Eee ARRRRRRRRR."

It's all in the emphasis, see.
posted by middleclasstool at 8:08 PM on September 18, 2008 [2 favorites]

Captain Ronzo.
posted by stargell at 8:18 PM on September 18, 2008

Ahem.


Booty.


That is all.
posted by The Whelk at 8:22 PM on September 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

Me heartys, convert Metafilter or ye' own blog to PIRATE fer yer own viewin' pleasure. (stifles yo-ho-ho-ho).
posted by Jenny is Crafty at 8:23 PM on September 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

How appropriate, you fight like a cow!
posted by robotot at 8:31 PM on September 18, 2008 [4 favorites]

"You wouldn't steal a handbag. You wouldn't steal a car. You wouldn't steal a baby. You wouldn't shoot a policeman. And then steal his helmet. You wouldn't go to the toilet in his helmet. And then send it to the policeman's grieving widow. And then steal it again! Downloading films is stealing. If you do it, you will face the consequences."

Wait...
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:33 PM on September 18, 2008

From the Official Google Blog:

As we've written before, one of our goals is to enable everyone using Google to find the information they want easily, no matter what language they speak.

It recently came to our attention that Google was not accessible to a large, influential, and notoriously quick-tempered community: Pirates. As of today we are proud and rather relieved to announce that Google Search is available in Pirate.
posted by Rhaomi at 8:35 PM on September 18, 2008 [4 favorites]

arhhh. some of us be over ye international dateline, me hearties.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:42 PM on September 18, 2008

Recommending Women Pirates and the Politics of the Jolly Roger for those interested in learning more about female pirates.
posted by desuetude at 8:45 PM on September 18, 2008

Ohhh, ignore that review, please. Yeah, it's a feminist press, but the book is very well researched.
posted by desuetude at 8:47 PM on September 18, 2008

This was very, very slightly amusing when it started. I guess I'm a humongous cock of unfunniness, because I'm sure not feeling the love for what's starting to feel like overmuch repetition.

I think you'll look back on this with all the pride one feels for having danced the macarena, or whatever the fad of the moment was. (But it is also a really clear example of how humans are such exquisitely social animals — there is nothing so stupid that doesn't become fun when everyone around you is doing it, too.)
posted by Forktine at 8:52 PM on September 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

By pirates, almost everyone means west-anglia coal miners forced to crew ships for less-than-slave-wages (yes, there was such a thing) before saying, "Yes, death is definitely better than this."

In the golden age of piracy, they were almost to a man renegade slaver crews, who were frequently treated as badly as their "cargo." Calico Jack's "Whydda" was a converted slaver (which was sunk by a jealous Cape Cod witch, Goody Hallett, who called up a hurricane to scourge the lover what jilted her by destroying that which he loved the best, yarr. Thart was a'fore he took up wi' them hussies Bonnie and Reed, ho-ho!)

A jolly life? P'raps, me buckos, p'raps, if a life of poverty upon Hispañola is not yer cup o' tea, yar, an' ye really want ta sticks it to them white-britches who brings barrel arter barrel o' salt-beef from Engerlund to the Carr-a-bee, ta pretend thems proper Englishmen, when they haint but slave drivers wi' a few acres of sugarcane... or worse, Carolina "gentlemen" wi' swamps and rice ter sell. Ever wonder where Condi got her family name from? Yarr. 'Tis true. Rice... Carolina Gold. A'fore cotton, and a'fore sugar, was rice. Tho, silver was first, yarr. Treasure ships from Peru make fine fat pickin's, me hearties! Them papist Dons best looks after thems own, yarr, lest they be driven to poverty by more gold than Christendom can handle all at a go, doomed and damned by an' inbred and infertile King...

So! Talks like a pirate! They were the poorest, toughest, smartest, ablest men o' their age, all doomed an' determined to die by the sword than submit to another man's will, like Edward Teach, who needs must have his head hacked off ter make sure he war dead. Or cretins who found thems dead by th' gallows, like Cap'n Kidd, who turned pirate out o' incompetence and cowardice. Many a man, white an' black, English and French and Dutch, flew th' black to make a doubloon, dreamin' o' the Pirate Kingdom o' Madagascar, where a man could live free ashore as he did at sea. They all died, some gallant, some cowardly, all dangerous and deadly threats to the colonial powers, who, for a while, ruled the world by cannon and cutlass.

Laugh at them at your most deadly peril.
posted by Slap*Happy at 9:07 PM on September 18, 2008 [7 favorites]

Yarr mateys, any chance someone can think of a good pirate/math tie-in for a middle school math club meeting tomorrow?
posted by saritonin at 9:21 PM on September 18, 2008

Yo ho, saritonin, ye can have yer lil' scalawags do fractions... pieces o' eight were actual pieces of a coin cut into eighths.

If thems runts be older'n that, have em' figure out where they be upon the sea by trigonometry. Arrrr.

Just spare a moment to consider that the notion o' Human Rights stems from a bunch o' stinkin' cut-throats decidin' that they deserved better, an' they'd take "better" at pistol-point. An' that slavin' hurt th' freedoms o' white man an' black, as evil as evil ever is.

Pirates meant somethin, somethin we all feels today when we decides to go our own damn way.
posted by Slap*Happy at 9:38 PM on September 18, 2008

Christ, not again. It's becoming "Talk Like Adam Savage Day."
posted by m-a-s-o-n at 9:40 PM on September 18, 2008 [3 favorites]

This should be held on Feb. 14 to ensure the mutual destruction of two bad ideas.
posted by Camofrog at 9:55 PM on September 18, 2008 [4 favorites]

I Believe in Miracles ..pirate girl style
posted by bonobothegreat at 9:59 PM on September 18, 2008

I bet lots of people will mark the day by buying pirated movies...
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 10:04 PM on September 18, 2008

Yarr mateys, any chance someone can think of a good pirate/math tie-in for a middle school math club meeting tomorrow?

Why don't you Ask MetaFilter?
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:10 PM on September 18, 2008

RRRRRRAIG
posted by Token Meme at 10:18 PM on September 18, 2008

a good pirate/math tie-in for a middle school math club meeting tomorrow?

3.14159-rate?

Or did xkcd do that three years ago?
posted by wendell at 10:28 PM on September 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

Yarr mateys, any chance someone can think of a good pirate/math tie-in for a middle school math club meeting tomorrow?


So you finds yerselves in possession of some treasure; how do you best divide the spoils so that your crew *thinks* they're getting a good deal vs. what is actually a good deal? ie., how to fudge numbers to make people think that they're getting more than their fair share.

1/50th of the booty or 2%?

I'm sure there are much more sophisticated ways of presenting this. Look at tax laws...
posted by porpoise at 10:53 PM on September 18, 2008

Monty Hall problem, pirate style (1 door has treasure, 2 doors have an old boat).
posted by iamkimiam at 10:59 PM on September 18, 2008

TLAPD is one of the BEST days of the year! Hater's be strung up by the masts!!! ARRRRGHHHH!

Why oh WHY don't I ever remember to put this on my calender? I haven't gotten my outfit ready!
posted by matty at 11:00 PM on September 18, 2008

Yeah, but when's talk like The Ultimate Warrior day?
posted by shucksitsjeremy at 11:51 PM on September 18, 2008

I think I'll just avast until Talk Like A Pirate day is over.
posted by Cranberry at 12:09 AM on September 19, 2008

What is a pirate's favorite part of the US constitution?

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRticle Five, which states that The Congress, whenever two thirds of both Houses shall deem it necessary, shall propose Amendments to this Constitution, or, on the Application of the Legislatures of two thirds of the several States, shall call a Convention for proposing Amendments, which, in either Case, shall be valid to all Intents and Purposes, as part of this Constitution, when ratified by the Legislatures of three fourths of the several States, or by Conventions in three fourths thereof, as the one or the other Mode of Ratification may be proposed by the Congress; Provided that no Amendment which may be made prior to the Year One thousand eight hundred and eight shall in any Manner affect the first and fourth Clauses in the Ninth Section of the first Article; and that no State, without its Consent, shall be deprived of its equal Suffrage in the Senate.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:04 AM on September 19, 2008

Also, Pirate Riddles for Sophisticates.

Q: What's a pirate's favorite aspect of computational linguistics?
A: PARRRsing sentences.

Q: Of which concept shared by Jungian psychology and Northrop Frye's literary theory are pirates especially fond?
A: ARRRchetype.

Q: Who's a pirate's favorite member of the creative team behind "32 Short Films About Glenn Gould"?
A: Don McKellARRR.

And so forth.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:10 AM on September 19, 2008 [2 favorites]

This isn't just an internet meme. My local library actually had a sign up about "International Talk Like a Pirate Day" and had a bunch of pirate-themed books out. My 3 year old twins were both interested (one likes to talk like a pirate anyway, the other is deathly afraid of talking-like-a-pirate).
posted by DU at 3:17 AM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

I thought you fuckers had moved on to "Talk Like You've Got A Mouthful of Bacon" day.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 3:52 AM on September 19, 2008 [2 favorites]

I'm waiting for "Talk like you're not some sort of idiot day," but it never comes.
posted by Eideteker at 4:25 AM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

Why is it that any time someone wants to have a little fun, people feel the need to cock it up with "facts" and "the truth" and other boring stuff that we already know? Yes, everyone knows that pirates were not nearly as congenial, hygienic, or polite as we'd like to pretend they are. It's just a theme as an excuse for a good time.

The people who are tired of TLAPD probably visit Renaissance Faires and complain that the Renaissance was nothing like this, and "where do they get off having running water," etc. It was funny when Hob Gadling did it, but that's because he was a legitimate 600 year old grump who'd lived through it (fictionally of course).

If you don't like it, just grin and bear it for one fucking day of the year. At the very least, it's not accompanied by a gigantic build-up crammed down your throat by commercial interests, like Valentine's Day or Christmas. Give a weak smile when someone talks like a pirate (yes, it's not how REAL pirates talk, shut up), tell them it's not your thing, and they'll go pester someone else with an appreciation for the nonsense.
posted by explosion at 4:34 AM on September 19, 2008

As many of you may know, I'm a pirate year-round, and yes, I'll be at Piratz Tavern tonight, carousing with my crewmates and helping host the big party. Privately, though, I can't get too excited about September 19th. Folks, piracy is a way of life, and when I see all the lubbers walking around with their plastic eyepatches and third-hand Robert Newton impressions... well, it makes me feel like an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day, or a veteran practical joker on April Fool's Day, or a Satanist on Halloween. I'd rather take the day off, step back and let the amateurs play through.

When you're downing your eighth shot of rum tonight, please spare a thought for me and my people, and remember the blood, sweat, tears and irreplaceable body parts we've sacrificed.
posted by Faint of Butt at 4:42 AM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

At the very least, it's not accompanied by a gigantic build-up crammed down your throat by commercial interests, like Valentine's Day or Christmas yet. FTFY.

Give a weak smile when someone talks like a pirate (yes, it's not how REAL pirates talk, shut up), tell them it's not your thing, and they'll go pester someone else with an appreciation for the nonsense.

That's pretty much my modus opperandus with this stuff, yeah.

Oh look, that has a "talk like you knew Latin" phrase in it.
posted by ZeroAmbition at 4:50 AM on September 19, 2008

Geez, already?! Didn't we just do this? Aaaargh!!!!
posted by Space Kitty at 9:35 PM on September 18 [+] [!]

No no, see, you're doing it wrong. "Yaarrrr" - open the mouth a little wider.
posted by backseatpilot at 4:53 AM on September 19, 2008

When you're downing your eighth shot of rum tonight, please spare a thought for me and my people, and remember the blood, sweat, tears and irreplaceable body parts we've sacrificed.

Excuse me, are you Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus? Because you are making me laugh. Pirates were very seldom able to afford actual rum, and most likely drank the same micro-organism-ridden, stagnant barrel water that any other ship-going individual drank. The closest most pirates got to rum was "grog" - a severely watered-down drink that was 20:1 water to rum. Its effect of making a person sleepy without actually getting you drunk is the etymology behind the word "groggy". Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for the Renaissance Faire, and those turkey legs aren't going to eat themselves - especially without someone there to point out the scarcity of turkeys in Renaissance Europe. Good day, sir.
/ComicBookGuy
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 4:54 AM on September 19, 2008 [3 favorites]

I work retail. My place of work already has "Yaarrr, here be the Treasury Room" and the "Ye Olde Keyes" cabinet.

I'm working today.

That shift will probably rock, even though it's a fucking closing shift (hate!).
posted by flibbertigibbet at 6:17 AM on September 19, 2008

Enough already, I'm getting kinda sick of this.

Never visit the south west of England. Every day is Talk like a Pirate day here.

In fact, today I am speaking in the style of the upper classes. Anyone for a spot of tea? Cucumber sandwiches? I say, pip pip!
posted by saturnine at 6:19 AM on September 19, 2008

The first time I spoke to my now-wife was on Talk Like A Pirate Day, in pirate-ese, to tell her about Talk Like A Pirate Day.

That in itself says worlds about our relationship.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:23 AM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

Talc like a pyrite day? Sounds like someone around here has his thumb on the Mohs scale.

* adjusts sunglasses, goes back to training his page reader software *
posted by pracowity at 6:35 AM on September 19, 2008 [2 favorites]

Yeah, more love, less hate, OR YE WALK THE LONG WALK ON THE SHORT PIERRR ... YARRARRRRGGH!!
posted by cavalier at 6:48 AM on September 19, 2008

Yarr?
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 6:49 AM on September 19, 2008

*sigh*

Avast.
posted by everichon at 7:20 AM on September 19, 2008

RM8E
posted by waraw at 7:50 AM on September 19, 2008

Speaking of lesbian pirates:

Boobs Ahoy! and
I Was Kidnapped By Lesbian Pirates From Outer Space!
posted by nooneyouknow at 7:57 AM on September 19, 2008

Yeah, but when's talk like The Ultimate Warrior day?

Queerin' don't make the world work!
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 9:11 AM on September 19, 2008

They just had this a couple of months ago.
posted by Zambrano at 9:16 AM on September 19, 2008

Yaaarrr gets old fast and makes me want to punch people. Talk like a porn star day might be a bit more fun. Tell me you want it.
posted by strangeleftydoublethink at 9:28 AM on September 19, 2008

Talk like a pirate day is retARRRRded.
posted by thbt at 9:38 AM on September 19, 2008

Joey Michaels : I am going to celebrate talk like a ninja day instead:

" ."

In response, I will take on the mantle of talking like a robot:

monotone: [Enjoy it while you can, meat-bags, because I'm going to own this world in a century or so.]

wow, that's really rough on the throat...
posted by quin at 9:47 AM on September 19, 2008

It's driving me nuts.
posted by inigo2 at 1:18 PM on September 19, 2008