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Man For Young Girl To Become My Wife
September 19, 2008 4:04 PM   Subscribe

Man For Young Girl To Become My Wife is the Time Cube of romance
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 (145 comments total) 33 users marked this as a favorite

 
MetaFilter: if I have to, I’ll iggy you
posted by GuyZero at 4:08 PM on September 19, 2008


Can't figure out why he hasn't attacted a woman yet...
posted by Mental Wimp at 4:12 PM on September 19, 2008


LOL (Laughing Out Loud)
posted by foot at 4:14 PM on September 19, 2008 [4 favorites]


I feel bad for the guy really. He's obviously lonely but so... aggressively hide-bound that he's never going to find what he's l;ooking for. And he'll blame the world for it.
posted by GuyZero at 4:16 PM on September 19, 2008 [3 favorites]


It's good to have clearly defined goals.
posted by tula at 4:16 PM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


You have to go to the bathroom more than once during a four hour date where we first have dinner at a restaurant then see a movie.

Wtf?
posted by delmoi at 4:17 PM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


Quick Disqualification List

10. You cannot walk seven (7) miles non-stop averaging 1 mile per 20 minutes and without drinking or eating anything during the walk.

11. You have to go to the bathroom more than once during a four hour date where we first have dinner at a restaurant then see a movie.


Wait..what?! Is he worried about you stinking up the trunk when he kidnaps you and then not being able to make the hike into the forest where this all ends?


3. You think this profile is too long to read. Wait until the next revision. LOL (Laughing Out Loud)

There's the setup, anyone wanna take it?
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 4:18 PM on September 19, 2008 [5 favorites]


"if you are not a girl (born female) who wants and is ready to marry a man in his fifties then don't bother reading this profile and move on."

Duly noted.
posted by An Infinity Of Monkeys at 4:18 PM on September 19, 2008


Also, these two are intresting:
You are looking for a well to do man who will provide you with a life of little work and lots of leisure and play. I am not looking for a whore, I am not a "Sugar Daddy". All girls seeking a "Sugar Daddy" are whores.

...

You desire to pursue your own career, even after marriage.
So what, this guy wants someone to cook, clean and fuck him? And put up with his tedious noxiousness?
posted by delmoi at 4:19 PM on September 19, 2008


# Being a software engineer, I am often working on software development and my mind may be totally focused on the project at hand, so be patient, I'll eventually look at this screen and see your message.

That really says it all.
posted by ryoshu at 4:19 PM on September 19, 2008 [5 favorites]


I sooo cannot wait for the revision

(LOL)
posted by captainsohler at 4:21 PM on September 19, 2008


What amazes me is that this guy is divorced. It's not surprising someone would divorce him, but rather that someone would marry him in the first place.
posted by delmoi at 4:21 PM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


Not only that, he has a son.
posted by small_ruminant at 4:22 PM on September 19, 2008


Do NOT Fall in Love with Me until I say so!

Also, why do all the batshit insane have the same HTML skills, i.e., a giant wall of text utilizing multiple font styles, points and colors?
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 4:25 PM on September 19, 2008 [3 favorites]


I kind of love this, in a way that's not completely at his expense. It's so adorably earnest, and yet so emotionally detached at the same time.

A very bad part of me wants to get my wife to send him pictures.
posted by roll truck roll at 4:25 PM on September 19, 2008 [6 favorites]


Sweet zombie Jesus.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 4:27 PM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


this guy needs a Real Doll. stat.
posted by gnutron at 4:27 PM on September 19, 2008 [2 favorites]


I have a feeling that this guy hasn't laughed out loud since Nixon was in office.
posted by loquacious at 4:28 PM on September 19, 2008 [2 favorites]


At first glance this has got to be a joke but then who would go into such great detail for just a laugh?

I wish him luck.
posted by tommasz at 4:28 PM on September 19, 2008


There are many more women than there are men

Wait, what?
posted by decagon at 4:29 PM on September 19, 2008


A male and straight and I want to marry this farker just to piss him off. Is that wrong?
posted by Elim at 4:32 PM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


I wish him luck.

Seriously? Fuck that guy.

If he's real, any woman that somehow ends up as his wife is going to be in a living hell. This guy has "dangerous sociopath" written all over him. That was one of the creepiest things I've read since Palin got the VP nomination. Someone should inspect his basement.
posted by loquacious at 4:34 PM on September 19, 2008 [21 favorites]


this is like reading a "women seeking men" ad on craigslist in reverse.
posted by boo_radley at 4:34 PM on September 19, 2008 [5 favorites]


Don't tell me Hans Reiser's been released from prison already?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 4:36 PM on September 19, 2008 [9 favorites]


This is the single greatest collection of WTFs I have seen since TimeCube and the last time I accidentally disabled my comment blocker on YouTube.

Men profess love to get sex, and women give sex to receive love.

Holy crap, he said something rational.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 4:36 PM on September 19, 2008


Men profess love to get sex, and women give sex to receive love.

Speak for yourself.
posted by small_ruminant at 4:38 PM on September 19, 2008 [9 favorites]


There are many more women than there are men

That is true, strictly speaking, but he'll have to change his age requirement. Single men between 24 and 29 outnumber single women between 24 and 29 quite handily. And men who single women between 24 and 29 want to marry outnumber this guy infinitely.
posted by roll truck roll at 4:40 PM on September 19, 2008


small_ruminant corrected Speak for yourself.

Don't pretend you don't know these people and call some of them friends.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 4:43 PM on September 19, 2008


Dad?
posted by maxwelton at 4:45 PM on September 19, 2008 [12 favorites]


Why are we giving him attention?
posted by batmonkey at 4:46 PM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


this guy needs a Real Doll. stat.

Nope, couldn't pass the 7 mile walking test.
posted by doctor_negative at 4:46 PM on September 19, 2008 [11 favorites]


tl;dcrcr
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 4:48 PM on September 19, 2008


Someone let Mary Romantic know her soulmate is out there.
posted by These Premises Are Alarmed at 4:49 PM on September 19, 2008 [9 favorites]


message to: this guy
re: your website

good luck with allllllll that

posted by Lacking Subtlety at 4:51 PM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


Man, you know those Powers of Ten things, where you start out looking at a magnified picture of something, and then every few seconds it shows another closeup in ten times greater detail, and eventually you start thinking "holy christ how can it get any more magnified than this" but it just keeps getting closer and closer in, and then finally you're just sitting there in slackjawed aesthetic awe gazing at all the depth and intricacy, all the way down to the subatomic level? Yeah, this is kind of like one of those. Except instead of a leaf, it's psychosis.
posted by decagon at 4:52 PM on September 19, 2008 [49 favorites]


Do NOT Fall in Love with Me until I say so!

Oh gosh, I'll try.
posted by Bora Horza Gobuchul at 4:52 PM on September 19, 2008 [7 favorites]


Why do crazies always use oversized fonts?
posted by mattoxic at 4:54 PM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


1. You were born male. It is so disgusting, the number of males that think I should be interested in them because they cross dress or had a gender changing operation. YUK!!!
posted by DU at 4:54 PM on September 19, 2008 [3 favorites]


the two most precious parts (just going to put it up in entirety):

The BDSM Lifestyle

Until joining Yahoo, I never knew of BDSM lifestyles. Since joining Yahoo, I have chatted with many (probably around a 150 by now) that are involved in this lifestyle. Some are friends I continually chat with. I have found that there are many different levels to this lifestyle, or better put, many various types of lifestyles that are all placed by the ignorant under the general heading BDSM. BDSM is not one type of lifestyle nor are all the elements of "B", "D", "S" and "M" involved in all lifestyles. Some lifestyles are combinations of various aspects of BDSM to varying degrees. Suffice it to say, I have learned much about the numerous BDSM lifestyles.

My primary goal is to find a wife that knows that she was created for man, that she is to be her husband's helpmate, that she is totally under her husband's authority and is to obey her husband with all her heart, mind, body and soul and that it is her husband that she is devoted to and loyal to and seeks to please with all her being. Such a wife is a Godly Christian wife. Any deviation from this it NOT a Godly Christian wife but is rather a rebellious witch and whore. Most of Christendom is filled with rebellious witch whores.

Though I am not seeking it nor need it, I will, if the one to become my wife desires it or is already involved in it, enter into certain types of lifestyles classified as BDSM, however, I will only be the Master/Dom. I have found that my character will fit very well with being a Master/Dom and that I would have no problem carrying out what Masters/Doms do. I will never be the sub/slave. So, if you become my wife and have a desire or are already in this lifestyle, we will clearly set forth and agree upon the level and limits before entering the lifestyle. Yes, it will be new to me and I will have learning to do, but I am a quick study and will get up to speed quickly.


Multiple Wives

My primary goal is to find one wife. I do not need more than one wife. I will be very happy and content with just one wife. However, I have interviewed many that would like to be one of two or more wives. I have given this serious thought and should I end up with a wife that would like to be one of two or more wives, I have no problem with it whatsoever. There are pros and cons to having multiple wives and I have considered all that has occurred to me. After I find my first wife, I will not seek out another wife. It will be my first wife's responsibility to present prospective wives to me, whom I will interview and decide if I will or will not accept as a wife. I will be just as picky about them as I am with my first wife. In fact, I'll probably be more picky.

Yes, I hear all you arrogant ignorant Christians out there claiming it is ungodly to have more than one wife. Yes, God prefers a one man one women relationship but God Himself, under certain circumstances, not only allows a man to have multiple wives, but demands it, and nowhere in Scripture can it be found that God comes against multiple wives. King David, the man after God's own heart had multiple wives. King Solomon, the man God blessed with the greatest wisdom of all men had numerous wives. We find in the New Testament that God recognizes multiple wives in the consideration for the qualifications for Elder or Deacon. God says to qualify to become an Elder or Deacon, you must be a one woman type man, the husband of one wife. An Elder or Deacon is to be focused on God's work, not his wives, one wife is too distracting already LOL (laughing Out Loud).

But in America it is illegal to have more than one wife. Well, I can easily prevail in a debate regarding that matter, but that is not my task here. Just suffice it to say, you cannot legally marry more than one wife where the state is the authority giving you permission to marry. I will not be asking the state's permission, for I am not under the authority of any man made government.

posted by Lacking Subtlety at 4:55 PM on September 19, 2008


They really shouldn't let Hans Reiser post from prison.
posted by klangklangston at 4:59 PM on September 19, 2008 [4 favorites]


If I find that you are the girl I want, I will send you an email containing instructions for you to take pictures of yourself wearing certain clothes and in certain poses. These pictures will prove to me that you are not some man or woman with pictures found on the internet or somewhere else of a young pretty girl whom you are pretending to be and also prove that you are seriously interested in me. Thus far, no one has passed this step.

oh man he's like james randi only instead of $1,000,000 you get his horrible penis forever
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 5:02 PM on September 19, 2008 [41 favorites]


Hm. After reading this portion, I'm now imagining a Dr. Gene Scott devotee.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 5:03 PM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


The BDSM Lifestyle...nor are all the elements of "B", "D", "S" and "M" involved in all lifestyles.

I have the BSD elements in my lifestyle. And I am root. So sorry, not your cup o gruel.

Godly Christian

I don't get to post Swankee's http://www.thepeacock.com enough. Or http://www.10k4awife.com/ (who is still looking)
posted by rough ashlar at 5:08 PM on September 19, 2008 [3 favorites]


Questions I'm Asked

...

Why Young?

...

Most older women have let themselves go, not slim or thin.


Now what does he expect is going to happen to his beautiful new 26 year old wife? Or is he planning to continue the divorce cycle?
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 5:10 PM on September 19, 2008


Now what does he expect is going to happen to his beautiful new 26 year old wife?

If she's properly obedient, she'll keep her food balanced on her nose until he gives the order to eat it.
posted by DU at 5:13 PM on September 19, 2008 [14 favorites]


"Rebellious Witch Whores" is my favorite breakfast cereal.
posted by lore at 5:17 PM on September 19, 2008 [18 favorites]


I'm often asked if I have a foot fetish because I want pictures of you barefooted. I enjoy the whole woman, from head to toe, and if there is going to be a part of her that is not so pretty, it will be her feet.

reasonable enough...

You are to love your spouse sexually with all your body, mind, and sole

ok you're not fooling anyone
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 5:21 PM on September 19, 2008 [36 favorites]


He also reserves the right to rape his wife whenever he wants -- with God's blessing of course.

But, as time goes on, the wife starts using her sexual favors as a tool to manipulate the man into giving her what she wants or doing what she wants. First, this shows that the wife is becoming less submissive and more disobedient. But the bottom line is, when the wife demands payment, whether in the form of things (getting her what she wants) or actions (do this or that for her), she has become a whore. She is now being paid for sexual favors. And eventually, the wife's payment for her sexual favors become so costly and/or constant, that the husband, being wise in his spending, starts looking for a less expensive whore, or another woman who has not yet turned into a whore. Of course, when the husband does this, has becomes unfaithful, but, and this is a big but, God makes it clear that when you sin against God, which is what the wife who turns into a whore does, God makes the whore of a wife responsible for causing her husband to stumble. Wives who have become whores are under the unmistaken belief that they share no culpability for their husband's unfaithfulness. It was the wife's unfaithfulness to her husband, by breach of contract, that was the catalyst for her husband's unfaithfulness, and God holds her more accountable than He holds her husband, who has unconditional and unrestricted right to her sexually.
posted by peacheater at 5:22 PM on September 19, 2008


Best quote from my friend PUDDY: "with his winning people skills, i'm shocked that he's a software engineer"
posted by Lacking Subtlety at 5:24 PM on September 19, 2008 [3 favorites]


Personally, I think that any woman who can dig an escape tunnel and then clear 9 miles of wilderness in in 1 hour 30 really deserves a better word than divorced.
posted by mandal at 5:25 PM on September 19, 2008 [40 favorites]


The first link was pathetic and funny; the second link may have been the strangest thing I've ever seen. It makes Nazi Flying Saucers from the Hollow Earth seem positively reasonable.
posted by kozad at 5:26 PM on September 19, 2008


the second link may have been the strangest thing I've ever seen.

YOU HAVE NOT SEEN TIMECUBE ARE YOU EDUCATED STUPID EVERYONE KNOWS THE FOUR FACES OF THE EARTH (24 HOURS)?!
posted by DU at 5:31 PM on September 19, 2008 [8 favorites]


Where exactly is the boundary between hide-bound super asshole and crazy anyway? I suspect that this guy could find what he's looking for. I've seen beautiful women hanging off the arms of meth freak biker types, pudgy middle aged men, and bluetooth headset-glued unctuous uber-pricks. So why not a woman for this guy? Although I pity her.
posted by BrotherCaine at 5:31 PM on September 19, 2008


The first link was pathetic and funny; the second link may have been the strangest thing I've ever seen.

It takes on a new dimension of strangeness when you Ctrl + U that thing, too.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 5:32 PM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


O how I want the guy who wrote this to find this thread, register, and comment. I am wanting this so hard right now.
posted by jtron at 5:33 PM on September 19, 2008 [2 favorites]


O how I want the guy who wrote this to find this thread, register, and comment.

register? I think it's more likely to simply try to figure out which one of us he is.
posted by maxwelton at 5:37 PM on September 19, 2008 [7 favorites]


The only person I can think of that this guy compares to is Brother Justin.
posted by Lacking Subtlety at 5:39 PM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


Words fail
Buildings tumble
The ground opens wide
Light beams down from heaven
She stands before my eyes

She's actual size, but she seems much bigger to me
Squares may look distant in her rear view mirror but they're actual size
As she drives away
posted by Joey Michaels at 5:45 PM on September 19, 2008 [7 favorites]


And as long as I'm in "posting semi-obscure lyrics mode...."

She's demure...friendly...loving and good-looking
good-looking and wealthy
she is tall, pretty, thin, blonde
a loving person, great personality, fun to be with
independent, gorgeous, rich, powerful
liberal yet she's very romantic
of course, she'd have to have the perfect figure
Everywhere she goes she's beautiful
everyone I know says she's beautiful
and I dream about her even in my sleep
everyone I meet says she's beautiful
Blonde hair, blue eyes, about 5'6"
well, blonde about 5'8"
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/kYJ ]
blonde about 5'9"
36" 24" 36"
Everywhere she goes she's beautiful
everyone I know says she's beautiful
and I dream about her even in my sleep
even with her clothes on she's beautiful
Not necessarily beautiful, but...
Lovely...sexy...she's contagious
talented...creative...controllable
very fashionable...good religious woman
she's extremely mobile
silent...electrostatic...enigmatic
my wife...my mother
pretty with hairy legs
Everywhere she goes she's beautiful
everyone I know says she's beautiful
and I dream about her even in my sleep
even with her clothes on she's beautiful
posted by Joey Michaels at 5:47 PM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


Argh! I should have checked that before I hit post! Clean up on aisle Joey, please. Remove that offending link or I won't marry you.
posted by Joey Michaels at 5:47 PM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


Most of Christendom is filled with rebellious witch whores.

Sounds pretty hot to me, but it's unfortunately not my experience.
posted by namespan at 5:50 PM on September 19, 2008 [9 favorites]


People with long lists fof qualifications for a mate are a sex partner are either terrified of intimacy or they're unbelivable narcissists who believe that someone must jump throug hoops for access to their golden genitalia. Newsflash: you (like evrybody else) are just like everybody else. Get over it.
posted by jonmc at 5:57 PM on September 19, 2008 [3 favorites]


if i looking for young girl
him name hopkin green girl
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 6:02 PM on September 19, 2008 [9 favorites]


Right about here ...

nor do I speak condescendingly to my women



my head asplode.
posted by louche mustachio at 6:06 PM on September 19, 2008 [5 favorites]


Metafilter: filled with rebellious witch whores
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 6:07 PM on September 19, 2008 [6 favorites]


I am not looking for the perfect girl, she does not exist, just one who is perfect for me.

I love how this line starts out green, turns red for the first "not," returns to green, turns red again for the second "not," returns to green for a single word, then turns a different shade of green before returning, once again, to the initial shade of green. For the period.

Fucking brilliant.
posted by brundlefly at 6:17 PM on September 19, 2008 [4 favorites]


Until joining Yahoo, I never knew of BDSM lifestyles.

Someone should introduce him to the work of Peter Sotos to continue his magical journey of self discovery.
posted by fleetmouse at 6:25 PM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


Why do you keep reposting your messages over and over again?

Lemme guess - "Because I'm completely and utterly screaming pink and yellow banana flavored batshit fucking insane with whipped cream and a cherry on top?"


No?


My messages post reoccurringly because new people are always entering the room, so if you do not like to see my messages (about four minutes apart),

Wait... what? So he posts this EVERY. FOUR. MINUTES.

just do what the intelligent ones do, iggy me.

I bet they do.
posted by louche mustachio at 6:28 PM on September 19, 2008 [5 favorites]


Wow. I placed my cursor about halfway into the post, to select a line to quote and comment on here, but then I couldn't stop highlighting and scrolling until I reached the end. How does one begin? And how does she stop once she's taken the bait from this fascinating man?

I'm currently taking this Sociolinguistics course, focused on Narrative. Yesterday in class we looked at various texts – personal accounts of life experiences - and applied analysis based on linguistic features we found. We were mainly looking at how the author(s) construct and share their identities with the world in subtler, unconscious ways, like through their use of pronouns, anaphora, metaphors, deixis, etc.

As I read this guys post/ad certain things kept popping out at me. In the first paragraph alone there are all sorts of goodies! Here's the first paragraph, and some thoughts on it:

"Hello, thanks for visiting my profile (This Blog), however, so as not to waste your time, if you are not a girl (born female) who wants and is ready to marry a man in his fifties then don't bother reading this profile and move on. I am not accepting any more friends on here, I have plenty already. Besides, when I find and marry the one I'm looking for, I will delete all my Yahoo accounts and no longer visit here, for instead, it will be my wife my time will be spent on."


1. The first thing I notice is how much immediate rejection, hedging, and caution he is projecting in his two opening statements. We see this realized with conjunctions, negative markers, and clarifications..."however, so as not to...if you are not...(born female)...then don't...move on...I am not accepting...besides...I will delete...no longer visit...instead..."

2. Second thing that jumps out here is his agency. Almost every clause is a direct "I" statement. But before he can launch into this diatribe of I, he must get these pesky qualifications out of the way (basically saying "if you aren't what *I* want, take a hike; if you are what *I* want, keep playing and see if you meet all of *my* criteria, which will determine if *I* choose you"). He is establishing his authority by using all these I-statements. I pick my friends; I have enough of them thank you. When I find the one I'm looking for, I will then exercise my authority over my online communications by deleting my accounts, for I will have no more use for them.

3. This of course makes sense. He is trying to find a girl to make into his wife, but he wants to be damn sure that this "girl" knows what the power structure is once she becomes his "wife" (which of course he lays out explicitly later). But notice his choice of gendered and non-gendered pronouns in these first two lines..."a girl (born female)...marry a man...any more [gender-neutral] friends...marry the one I'm...it will be my wife..." Do you see it? And of course, no use of the word "woman", which would probably convey unintended meta-messaging.

4. And if you weren't convinced, this last little word in this first paragraph really hits me. "...for instead, it will be my wife my time will be spent on." ON. Not 'with', but 'on'. The use of this particular preposition reduces the wife into an objectified noun, a project. Not an equal. It's not a reciprocal activity...her time doesn't count. There is no with, because this narrative is constructed from a completely egocentric viewpoint.

Dang, I could go on, but I've got reading to do. I would LOVE to hear other people's observations. I really enjoyed the part about what God has to say about his wife not becoming a soulless whore.
posted by iamkimiam at 6:31 PM on September 19, 2008 [58 favorites]


I went to Yahoo! Chat when I was about 14, and swiftly graduated to Anywhere That Isn't Yahoo! Chat. When a person doesn't make the leap, this is what results.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 6:31 PM on September 19, 2008 [5 favorites]


Wow, this is absolutely riveting. I couldn't stop reading this guy's profile; every new paragraph left me astounded.

I have two questions:

All this detail, and yet he never says--when does he make *his* pictures available for the little woman to see?

and

What chat rooms is he talking about? Because I so want to see this guy in action.

Seriously, someone needs to give this guy a TV show. Just start rolling the camera, sit back and watch him implode in front of an international audience. The controversy he would stir up would make for huge ratings.
posted by misha at 6:33 PM on September 19, 2008


As far as I can tell the only way of contacting him is the email address he gives. Maybe there was more in the final post, but he deleted it.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 6:35 PM on September 19, 2008


So why not a woman for this guy?

What's the saying? "A lid for every pot"? "A pot for every lid"? "How much for that lid of pot"?
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 6:37 PM on September 19, 2008


You are to love your spouse sexually with all your body, mind, and sole, in other words, with all your passion.

So are we to assume that the dude has a foot fetish?
posted by the_bone at 6:38 PM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


Here's an observation:

Why don't you look in real life?

Why is it erroneously presumed that I don't?

Why don't you search on dating sites?

Again, why are erroneous assumptions made?

Why don't you go to BDSM sites and post an ad?

Why are presumptuous questions asked?



Why are you answering questions posed by some malevolent mass of hatred in your own subconscious?

Uh... stuff
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 6:40 PM on September 19, 2008 [6 favorites]


Where the slave and wife are most similar is when they are given a command. In this instance, they are both to obey with all their heart, mind, body and soul with an enthusiastically positive attitude. They are to both obey because they love the one giving the command.

Oh my.

Um.

Yeah.
posted by jokeefe at 6:44 PM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


I have a hunch that, like most men seeking women online, he's (1) married and (2) short.
posted by grounded at 6:46 PM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


I think I have never before been so grateful that I am over 30, smoke, do drugs, have children and think this profile is too long to read. TL;DR (actually, I read way more than I wished I had, eeeurgh) to the rescue! Phew! I am safe! Here's hoping others are as well. Although, I guess, if someone answers that ad - well. Match made on the third ring of Saturn.
posted by mygothlaundry at 6:57 PM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


There are 2961 FONT tags on the TimeCube site.

Marry Me guy has only 71 FONT tags.

TimeCube guy retains the win as craziest nutjob web designer. By a large margin.
posted by caution live frogs at 7:23 PM on September 19, 2008 [3 favorites]


Dammit, I'm too short.
posted by desjardins at 7:34 PM on September 19, 2008 [2 favorites]


For some reason, this guy makes me think of "The Sloan Men". Perhaps it's just that he gives me the same sense of horror, contemplating him, as Herman Sloan.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 7:36 PM on September 19, 2008


This very much reminds me of a lot of guys on BDSM websites like bondage.com, guys who honestly believe that a mentally healthy person can be completely obedient. People who actually practice BDSM (away from their computer) rather quickly realize that Ultimate Control is bullshit.
posted by desjardins at 7:42 PM on September 19, 2008 [7 favorites]


I'm just glad to see he isn't too much of a control freak.
posted by miss lynnster at 8:00 PM on September 19, 2008 [2 favorites]


So this guy has been around for a long time! I remember seeing a site, I'm pretty sure it was his, back in the early days of the net. It was much the same thing - his web design has improved somewhat (no, really) and he didn't mention BDSM at all.

This was 10 years ago, I made a search but of course didn't find it. But I'm sure it's the same guy.
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 8:02 PM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


The peeing thing knocked me right out. I have the bladder of a 5-year-old.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 8:04 PM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


We so need metafilter personals.
posted by maxwelton at 8:36 PM on September 19, 2008


Most of Christendom is filled with rebellious witch whores.

Thank you, JESUS!
posted by BitterOldPunk at 8:37 PM on September 19, 2008 [4 favorites]


I shouldn't speak for the entire BDSM community, but I'm going to: No submissive women want a guy like this and none of the rest of us even want to have a conversation with him. I've seen guys (it's almost always a guy, sad to say) who were maybe one third this obnoxious or megalomaniacal and they were resolutely rejected by the social order. Nor did they score any putang.

Now that that's out of the way, I can proceed to the fun part; pulling my favorite quote:

There are just so many gems here, it's hard to know which one to choose. I'm going with this one because it has a beautifully horrific Alan Moore quality to it:

Your heart, mind and soul are indeed the most important to me and will be thoroughly investigated during the interview process...
posted by Clay201 at 8:39 PM on September 19, 2008 [9 favorites]


Pity his four children, who had to survive growing up with such an achtung, whipcracking, obsessively over-controlling, perfectionistic narcissist, delusional that he's a good human being. It's transparently understandable why he's divorced. Any wife who endured 20 years with this guy deserves a medal.
posted by nickyskye at 8:48 PM on September 19, 2008 [3 favorites]


Why are erroneous assumptions made?

Verily, must you ask?
posted by Pecinpah at 8:52 PM on September 19, 2008


Well. I thank guys like this for making guys like me that much more appealing. Cheers, nutjobs.
posted by empyrean at 9:25 PM on September 19, 2008 [1 favorite]


I ascertain that this guy's subconscious is helping to narrow his sexual field of play so much that it will be next to impossible for him to breed, and therefore will rid the next generation of his specific, hopeless character traits.

For if you cannot adapt and learn to live within variability (which each one of us is constantly surrounded by) and try to force it into your own means, you're stubbornly taking a step down the ladder of mental evolution.

Also: I think he's LOL (Laughing Out Loud) while DALBI (Dying A Little Bit Inside).
posted by self at 9:41 PM on September 19, 2008 [2 favorites]


horrible penis forever

Sony's CD division really needs to fire the new advertising people.
posted by decagon at 10:09 PM on September 19, 2008


Dude is Aspergin' hard core styles
posted by Merzbau at 10:09 PM on September 19, 2008 [5 favorites]


Most of Christendom is filled with rebellious witch whores.

Sounds pretty hot to me, but it's unfortunately not my experience.


Man, I'd be a happy guy if I could find myself a rebellious witch whore.
posted by Caduceus at 10:35 PM on September 19, 2008 [3 favorites]


Also:

just do what the intelligent ones do, iggy me.

What, roll around in peanut butter and broken glass?
posted by Merzbau at 10:39 PM on September 19, 2008 [4 favorites]



The peeing thing knocked me right out. I have the bladder of a 5-year-old.


I'm sure he does too, in a jar of formaldehyde. He brings it on dates to remind "girls" of the dire consequences of disobedience.
posted by louche mustachio at 10:48 PM on September 19, 2008 [16 favorites]


Oh my freaking god, we have to get Olena to respond to this guy.
posted by casarkos at 12:10 AM on September 20, 2008


Anyone think this guy is just a troll?
posted by Pseudology at 12:14 AM on September 20, 2008


My goal is to get down to within 20 pounds of what I weighed in high school when I was a lean mean hockey playing machine, about 30 pounds to go.

So he's currently 50 pounds overweight but she has to be slim and half his age, because that's what he likes.
I love how how the whole thing is about what he wants, with no thought about whether it balances what he's offering. And then he has a section titled "To Those Incapable of Logical Thought"...
posted by w0mbat at 12:21 AM on September 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


I kinda hope this guy dies alone.
posted by Deathalicious at 12:30 AM on September 20, 2008 [3 favorites]


These read like my wedding vows.
posted by mazola at 12:31 AM on September 20, 2008 [4 favorites]


Your heart, mind and soul are indeed the most important to me and will be thoroughly investigated during the interview process...

Is this done via eye gazing so you are "able to get a sense of his soul"
posted by rough ashlar at 12:40 AM on September 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


I demand the hackers of MeFi and/or cops and/or government agents that lurk here find his ex-wife and Matt waives the $5 fee for her to tell us her story firsthand. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED, MAN. Who IS this guy?

(Or where she's buried, at least.)

I have read close to 300,000 dating profiles and I am just speechless.

OOPS, I SWORE! Disqualified. (kicks ground in frustration)

I'm willing to bet even a therapist wouldn't take his money to be in the same room with him. Even those groups you pay weekly to give you pep talks at 6 a.m. would turn him away.

This has been the most entertaining and maddening insomnia-driven post/read ever.

Please, please let this person be real; I want someone to unmask him in all his glory in the worst possible way and then for us to snark more about this later. There is endless schadenfreude to be mined here.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 1:48 AM on September 20, 2008


So this guy has been around for a long time! I remember seeing a site, I'm pretty sure it was his, back in the early days of the net. It was much the same thing - his web design has improved somewhat (no, really) and he didn't mention BDSM at all.

This was 10 years ago, I made a search but of course didn't find it. But I'm sure it's the same guy.


Yeah, my first thought was "I've seen this before somewhere." Maybe on usenet back in the day?

For all that he is a creepy and pathetic nutjob, I can kind of see how you could go from "DWM seeks partner for candlelit dinners, walks on the beach, traditional marriage" to this. Every time you got a response from someone you just weren't into, you add a clarification to your ad (probably thinking of it as a systems optimization or something like that).

So you keep adding weight and age restrictions, and no transsexuals please, and clarifying your religious views because people keep asking, and each time more of your weirdness shows through, and eventually you get this sort of creepy nonsense. I think it's a good thing that most dating sites have strict word limits, or more people would avail themselves of the opportunity to be unhelpfully hyper-specific about their desires.

(And am I a bad person if I immediately thought of one or two MeFites who remind me of this guy?)
posted by Forktine at 2:54 AM on September 20, 2008 [2 favorites]


Having gone through his requirements, I can assert that the only girl he'll find that can fulfill them is inflatable. And he probably already has her.

On second thoughts, a twenty-something inflatable "girl"...yuk
posted by Skeptic at 3:45 AM on September 20, 2008


I met my fiance online, and I knew many other guys who had personal ads. Almost all of them said that the overwhelming response to their ads were from men (and most of those men pretending to be women), though they were clearly marked as straight. So I can understand this guy's extreme reluctance to believe he's chatting with a woman until he gets "proof." Sometimes even phone calls aren't enough if the poser can disguise his voice. Hell, I even know of a guy who was fooled by a person on webcam. For all his batshitinsaneness, this guy is right that 99% of the people on Yahoo personals are full of shit. It begs the question of why he doesn't just go somewhere else, though.
posted by desjardins at 4:33 AM on September 20, 2008


Wish I hadn't seen that.
posted by ersatz at 5:24 AM on September 20, 2008


am I a bad person if I immediately thought of one or two MeFites who remind me of this guy?

I DO NOT HAVE A FOOT FETISH

FORKTINE I AM IGGYING YOU
posted by Greg Nog at 5:58 AM on September 20, 2008 [6 favorites]


And eventually, the wife's payment for her sexual favors become so costly and/or constant, that the husband, being wise in his spending, starts looking for a less expensive whore, or another woman who has not yet turned into a whore. Of course, when the husband does this, has becomes unfaithful, but, and this is a big but, God makes it clear that when you sin against God, which is what the wife who turns into a whore does, God makes the whore of a wife responsible for causing her husband to stumble. Wives who have become whores are under the unmistaken belief that they share no culpability for their husband's unfaithfulness. It was the wife's unfaithfulness to her husband, by breach of contract, that was the catalyst for her husband's unfaithfulness, and God holds her more accountable than He holds her husband, who has unconditional and unrestricted right to her sexually.

I wonder if this is the story of the first marriage....which lasted long enough to produce FOUR children?? I wonder if his (presumably grown) children have anything to do with him at all, or there's a restraining order involved.
posted by availablelight at 6:52 AM on September 20, 2008


The larger the breasts, the more I'm turned off romantically.

My giant breasts are standing between me and perfect happiness!

*sobs*
posted by tits mcgee at 6:58 AM on September 20, 2008 [16 favorites]


Was anyone else reminded of the Sicko Marriage Contract?
posted by lampoil at 7:17 AM on September 20, 2008


according to this guy, even though i'm married and am faithful to my husband, i'm a whore with breasts way too big.

i'm pretty sure however that's why my husband married me.

however, the sadness at being rejected by such an astounding piece of man truly hurts my heart.
posted by eatdonuts at 7:18 AM on September 20, 2008 [2 favorites]


I can't help but be struck by all the contradictory conditions.

She must be a Godly Christian wife, but not want children.
She must be pretty, slim, young, very fit, self-reliant, financially set with "formal education"(college?) yet be humble.
She must be kind but not want children or love animals too much.
She must be a hard worker who will drop her plans for a career and focus entirely on his business (whatever that may be) yet not expect to inherit 100% of said business.

I like the idea that he is becoming more and more frustrated with his search. He obviously has had trouble in the past, hence the change in how soon the woman has to provide "proof pictures" which pleases me no end.

By the way, I think he might be more like 70 lbs overweight. He states that he has "heavy bones" so his weight in high school was 20lbs over "what the charts said I should be." Height, weight charts have a pretty good range. So 20lbs over the charts in high school, plus "within 20 lbs of high school" weight plus 30lbs to go equals 70lbs.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 10:18 AM on September 20, 2008 [2 favorites]


Time Cube is up there with Francis E. Dec, Esq.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 10:38 AM on September 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


I've got a feeling this guy has mommy issues.
posted by batmonkey at 11:04 AM on September 20, 2008


This is, by my estimation, a sad and epic epilogue to the slow and reluctant death of a horrible first marriage. I wonder how she's doing.
posted by es_de_bah at 11:12 AM on September 20, 2008


One more thing on the internet that makes me sad.
posted by bigbigdog at 11:37 AM on September 20, 2008


"You are not to ask me any questions until I say you can."

This is awesome.
posted by Liosliath at 11:43 AM on September 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


Holy. Sh*t.
posted by thbt at 11:58 AM on September 20, 2008


Someone let Mary Romantic know her soulmate is out there.

The general control-freakery crossed my mind too - those who don't recall her, see the Internet Archive. It's easy to laugh, but it's genuinely saddening to see people who are obviously lonely and desperate for a relationship, but whose terror of the inherent risk drives them directions so counter-productive to that aim.
posted by raygirvan at 12:22 PM on September 20, 2008 [3 favorites]


I thought we had Mary Romantic down as a Dom come-on for a particular class of sub — or was that somebody else?
posted by pharm at 12:39 PM on September 20, 2008


Witch Whores of Christendom is now my favorite band name.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 12:58 PM on September 20, 2008 [4 favorites]


Must have been someone else. MaryRomantic was real--I know someone who interviewed her for a newspaper piece that the editor killed because it was too depressing.

This guy--fuck. If only inflated egos could pop, he'd be the Hindenburg. Oh, the insanity!
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:00 PM on September 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


NO FOREIGN WOMEN UNLESS you can get yourself to America at your own expense. I will not help you financially so don't ask. I will not go to your country except for a vacation sometime after we have been married.

This is where he shoots himself in the foot. This guy's only chance of ever getting married is to a mail order bride... and even that is a long-shot.

He's completely fucked.
posted by chuckdarwin at 2:46 PM on September 20, 2008 [1 favorite]


p.s. I honestly (no snark intended in any way) think that this man should be in some sort of secure unit.
posted by chuckdarwin at 2:55 PM on September 20, 2008


Most of Christendom is filled with rebellious witch whores.

That's why I got out of the church, certainly. Mostly I'm just happy someone finally told me what LOL stands for.

I may be falling in love with him
posted by davejay at 7:31 PM on September 20, 2008


Oh, and by the way: "Most of Christendom is filled with rebellious witch whores." I smell lyrics music challenge!
posted by davejay at 7:31 PM on September 20, 2008


Could someone tell me exactly where these rebellious witch whores are? (GPS coordinates would be best.) So I can be sure to stay away from them. Thanks.
posted by Crabby Appleton at 8:50 PM on September 20, 2008


Man, I'd be a happy guy if I could find myself a rebellious witch whore.

Reader, I married her.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 11:15 PM on September 20, 2008 [9 favorites]


Could someone tell me exactly where these rebellious witch whores are? (GPS coordinates would be best.) So I can be sure to stay away from them. Thanks.

37° 52.833' N; 122° 17.683' W or thereabouts.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 1:26 AM on September 21, 2008


Ha! I ♥ you, The Light Fantastic
posted by brundlefly at 1:56 PM on September 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


Dad, stop being a prick and go to a bar like everyone else.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:09 PM on September 21, 2008 [2 favorites]


Well shit, I went and fell in love with him before I got to the part about not doing so without his permission. Guess I know what my Ask MeFi question will be this week...
posted by mattholomew at 4:30 PM on September 21, 2008 [2 favorites]


We so need metafilter personals.

Wait, you mean this isn't a dating site?!? Even with all these rebellious witch whores around?!? I WANT MY $5 BACK!!!
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:57 PM on September 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


Why, Jen! I didn't know you cared! (At least, I hope that's it, and not that you're irony-impaired.)
posted by Crabby Appleton at 9:04 PM on September 21, 2008


Why, Jen! I didn't know you cared! (At least, I hope that's it, and not that you're irony-impaired.)

Call me! (unless your name is Jehovah....[fucker])

(smoochies to Brundlefly!!!)
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:45 PM on September 21, 2008


Willful witch whores is nicely alliterative.
posted by BrotherCaine at 3:44 AM on September 22, 2008


I think he needs a different society; one in which one can buy a bride from her family without her actually getting a say in it. His "True Christian" values seem ill-suited to this world.
posted by acb at 7:16 AM on September 22, 2008


More about God and Government
A thief steals something from a victim that is worth $5000. God's law says that that thief, when caught, is to be made the victim's slave until he has paid the victim back threefold. What that means is that if the thief still has the thing he stole from the victim, the victim gets it back and he must work for the victim until he has paid the victim back $10,000 more.

what

Quick Disqualification List
7. You are not thin or slim.
...
News
I've even had to take my belt in one notch. My goal is to get down to within 20 pounds of what I weighed in high school when I was a lean mean hockey playing machine, about 30 pounds to go.

...ladies!
posted by Mayor West at 9:06 AM on September 22, 2008


Call me! (unless your name is Jehovah....[fucker])

Jen, I'm sorry, but my experience with long-distance relationships hasn't been good. But I'll always wonder what might have been...
posted by Crabby Appleton at 12:50 PM on September 22, 2008


I shouldn't speak for the entire BDSM community, but I'm going to: No submissive women want a guy like this and none of the rest of us even want to have a conversation with him.

I'm late to the party here, but that's what I thought too. Anyone who can so much as spell BDSM oughta be ashamed he's considering/using it as a rationalization for his fucknuttery.

I can't even read his profile (This Blog) in full without thinking ahhhhh shit safeword safeword SAFEWORD YOU FUCK GET THE FUCK OFF ME THIS INSTANT what part of that don't you understand I am calling 911 and my lawyer and stop drawing circles around my cellulite in red marker and if you're going to make me do the grocery shopping all the time the very least you could do is allow me to buy Triscuits once in a while what do you have against whole wheat you bastard FUCK. It's a good thing I don't carry pepper spray or I would have ruined my monitor.

I deleted my cookies and browsing history and scrubbed my eyeballs and I still can't get the grossness off.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:21 AM on September 23, 2008 [2 favorites]


I can't even read his profile (This Blog) in full without thinking ahhhhh shit safeword safeword SAFEWORD YOU FUCK GET THE FUCK OFF ME THIS INSTANT

Yeah. I always thought the point of BDSM was to make you want to fuck the other person, not kill them.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:07 AM on September 23, 2008 [1 favorite]


Actually, it's neither.
posted by Crabby Appleton at 2:44 PM on September 23, 2008 [1 favorite]


At least he's honest. thank god
posted by lacol at 3:25 AM on October 8, 2008


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