Since we are encouraging discussion on manners of spirit...

October 1, 2008 8:40 PM

Crystal Head Vodka.Dan Aykroyd's been sampling too much of his own product
posted by allkindsoftime (138 comments total)

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posted by allkindsoftime at 8:41 PM on October 1, 2008

Slow-loading Flash = didn't read.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:46 PM on October 1, 2008

Its a watch, not a read. Click on Introduction.
posted by allkindsoftime at 8:50 PM on October 1, 2008

Dan, you ignorant slut.
posted by louche mustachio at 8:50 PM on October 1, 2008 [2 favorites]

consume mass quanties.
posted by mwhybark at 8:53 PM on October 1, 2008 [2 favorites]

So it's Dan Aykroyd -> GhostBusters -> Ghosts -> Supernatural -> Crystal Skull?

I think a better celebrity branded alcoholic drink would be "More Cowbell" whiskey, hawked by none other than Christopher Walken. It would be a cowbell-shaped glass (more volume!) that would ship inside an actual cowbell and have a stick you could tap it with.

Damn, I gotta get on that...
posted by hellojed at 8:57 PM on October 1, 2008 [5 favorites]

Its a watch, not a read. Click on Introduction.

Actually, I never even saw an "introduction." There was a couple of blocks of text below a big black blank field, and my status bar said it was loading flash, and it stayed like that for about thirty seconds, so I got bored and went to look at lolcats.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:59 PM on October 1, 2008

uuh, a little late for an Indiana Jones tie-in isn't it?

his wine is questionable, and now he brings us vodka from the home of Screech?

stick to acting Dan.
posted by spish at 9:01 PM on October 1, 2008

Come on. No one will ever top Danny DeVito's Limoncello (music warning). There's no sense in trying.
posted by o2b at 9:02 PM on October 1, 2008 [2 favorites]

What? No one likes the skull vodka bottle design? I think that's pretty rad, and I'm not even a goth.
posted by zardoz at 9:04 PM on October 1, 2008

What? No one likes the skull vodka bottle design? I think that's pretty rad, and I'm not even a goth.

I'm with you there. I've always wanted to drink hooch from the skulls of my enemies, but I'd settle for a conversation-piece that looks like a skull. That said, I'm sure the price tag is ridiculous.
posted by Dark Messiah at 9:06 PM on October 1, 2008

Consumer Reporter: Mr. Mainway, what about your product, "Crystal Skull Vodka?"

Irwin Mainway: Okay, I gotta say something about my product right here. It's got mystery, it's got the backstory with the UFO's, the kids, they love it. It's like treasure. It's got the skull, just in time for Halloween. And it's not actually poison. like a kid sees the skull on a bottle of poison and thinks "Oh Pirate adventure!" This way the kid can have you're pirate adventures, and he's fine. Now you say, "Oh, but isn't booze BAD for kids? It's DANGEROUS!" Well, what about your Kool-Aid? Kid could be drinking Kool-Aid, it goes down the wrong pipe, kid starts to choke GGGAAAAKKKK...

Consumer Guide: That's enough Mr. Mainway.
posted by louche mustachio at 9:09 PM on October 1, 2008 [12 favorites]

Pepsi Crystal Blues Brother
posted by not_on_display at 9:10 PM on October 1, 2008 [4 favorites]

It is in this spirit that we brought this project thus far.We now have a touch stone and replica, which alows us if we wish to connect to the message of the cyrstal heads perpose on earth. peddling liquor?

The inlightenment of human kind to the spiritual awakening which can occur in all of us, and the exceptance that there is more to life than mere material realality. mere material realatiy like say hard cash?

Hopefully this acceptance will lead to a less violent and more harmonious world as we respect the idea of higher power sorces. Now, what to put in such a bottle laden with such symbology and iconographic value? BOOZ put BOOZ in it DONT CROSS TEH STREAMS!!!!
posted by nola at 9:16 PM on October 1, 2008

God I was typing all that as he said it so forgive the typos. I'll never make it as a secretary.
posted by nola at 9:20 PM on October 1, 2008

Jon: "Ark of the Covenant Vodka"... "Sankara Stone Vodka"... "Holy Grail Vodka" ... Dan, I'm noticing a pattern in these ideas you wrote down.
Dan: These are the great mysteries of our time.
Jon: Okay, but are these even feasible? Here, under "Temple of Doom Vodka" you just drew a picture of a man ripping a vodka bottle out of another man's chest. What?
Dan: That is how the ancient legend tells it.
Jon: Well, what about this one? "Sean Connery Plays My Father Vodka." I don't know what legend that is.
Dan: ...
Jon: Is that- did you just put on a cowboy hat?
Dan: And boots.
posted by halfling at 9:24 PM on October 1, 2008 [21 favorites]

but what about a a DAVE secretary?
posted by mwhybark at 9:27 PM on October 1, 2008

Where's the part where he puts it in a blender?
posted by fungible at 9:41 PM on October 1, 2008

zardoz writes "What? No one likes the skull vodka bottle design? I think that's pretty rad"

Would have been a lot better if they could have flushed the cork to the surface of the bottle. As it is the skull looks like it has a genetic bone defect resulting in a permanent top knot.
posted by Mitheral at 9:48 PM on October 1, 2008 [2 favorites]

The preview for Ghostbusters 3?! Aweso...oh..oh shit.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 9:51 PM on October 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

I always thought Akroyd's whole deal with UFOs and the paranormal was was just a carry-over kind of shtick from being in ghost busters. But apparently not. Yikes.
posted by puke & cry at 9:55 PM on October 1, 2008

If you're buying liquor more for the shape of the bottle than the booze inside, you should be hogtied and beaten and left in a dumpster behind a strip joint in Tijuana, is all I'm saying.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 10:00 PM on October 1, 2008 [2 favorites]

Pour from a crystal skull, and drink from a Klein Stein, from the Acme Klein Bottle Company! ( The price of the glass matches the price range of the vodka, too!)
posted by Kronos_to_Earth at 10:06 PM on October 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

So this is Crystal Blue, for the release of the Indy DVD and the crystal skull program, right?
posted by Dipsomaniac at 10:13 PM on October 1, 2008

I have it on excellent authority that Mr. Akyroyd prefers marijuana to alcohol when he blathers about higher planes and extradimensional visitations.
posted by infinitewindow at 10:13 PM on October 1, 2008

SUPER SKULL-O-MATIC '76! The tool that lets you use the whole skull, with no skull waste, without scalping, peeling or bleaching.

Wow, that's terrific skull!
posted by phooky at 10:20 PM on October 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

uuh, a little late for an Indiana Jones tie-in isn't it?

his wine is questionable, and now he brings us vodka from the home of Screech?

stick to acting Dan.

Ok,
1) don't go knocking screech, m'boy. That's good stuff.
2) I could have sworn we already had vodka from the home of Screech. It's good vodka, too.

Which makes this even less exciting than it was.
posted by Lemurrhea at 10:22 PM on October 1, 2008

I always thought Akroyd's whole deal with UFOs and the paranormal was was just a carry-over kind of shtick from being in ghost busters.

No, Aykroyd WROTE Gostbusters, partially because of how interested he was in the supernatural. Now, personally, I prefer to watch the video and see it as proof that Ray Stanz is alive and well, in that he and Aykroyd are one and the same.

Anyway, I'm gonna get one of those bottles, and I don't care that I'll be spending next month's rent to do so. Because Ray Stanz told me to.
posted by Jon_Evil at 10:25 PM on October 1, 2008

Oh, there's just so much great in that video.

For one thing, yes, a too-long introduction touching on the mysteries of the crustal heads, spending most of the time devoted to the beverage explaining the shape of the bottle (which is admittedly cool, but also fucking weird and insane.)

Also, once he gets to the actual liquor, making it unnecessarily clear that vodka is the most challenging of all legal alcoholic beverages one may attempt to master. It makes me wonder what in the hell Dan might have been suggesting that had everyone else saying, "No, Dan, that's illegal." Even Absinth is legal in certain countries. What might he have been thinking of?

Thirdly, the Newfie's insistence on only referring to the vodka as "our alcohol." I don't know why, but I just got a kick out of that.

Fourthly, and I can't believe I'm the first one to bring this up, but on Dan's suggestion, they filter the vodka through three fucking layers of fucking diamonds despite not having any reason at all to believe that this will do anything. There's just so much crazy in this that I can't begin to process it. All I can say, for now, is that we all know what the diamond trade entails, and the deaths involved, and yet Aykroyd thought it appropriate to purchase thousands of them in order to pour booze through them - for NO good reason, and with NOTHING to lead to the conclusion that this would have any effect - so that we may drink this booze and thus better appreciate the glory and mysteries of life.

Finally, it's still Dan Aykroyd, and bless him for what he's got, because when he's on screen, I can't turn away. Not because of the crazy, but because he's just that damn engaging. What the hell happened to his career? Bring back Dan Aykroyd!
posted by Navelgazer at 10:44 PM on October 1, 2008 [7 favorites]

I'm buying 13 of 'em and SCREW YOU!
posted by mazola at 10:45 PM on October 1, 2008 [2 favorites]

Someone is going to make a great bong out of one of those bottles.
posted by stifford at 10:55 PM on October 1, 2008 [6 favorites]

If by "sampling too much of his own product" you mean he's now peeing in his own mouth like a cage-maddened chimp, I'm not the least bit surprised.
posted by pracowity at 11:03 PM on October 1, 2008

Unless it happened earlier, we can call this the time that DAN NUKED THE FRIDGE.
posted by sourwookie at 11:06 PM on October 1, 2008

IT'S FILTERED THROUGH DIAMONDS!
posted by sourwookie at 11:10 PM on October 1, 2008

"what to put in a bottle laden with such symbology..."

Dan, I'm sure the word you were looking for was symbolism. Ssssssssymbolism...
posted by Panjandrum at 11:24 PM on October 1, 2008 [3 favorites]

Navelgazer writes "making it unnecessarily clear that vodka is the most challenging of all legal alcoholic beverages one may attempt to master. It makes me wonder what in the hell Dan might have been suggesting that had everyone else saying, 'No, Dan, that's illegal.' Even Absinth is legal in certain countries. What might he have been thinking of?"

He says "legal recreational consumables" not alcohol so there are quite a few possibilities.
posted by Mitheral at 11:26 PM on October 1, 2008

There's an interview out there with Bill Murray wherein he is talking about Ghostbusters and basically says the following: "We were having fun with it. Dan actually thought it was real, believed in it, and took the film and all its premises seriously."

Damn if I can't find it though. ( Think it might have been a playboy mag interview.... )
posted by zap rowsdower at 11:38 PM on October 1, 2008

Which I read for the articles and interviews, obviously.
posted by zap rowsdower at 11:39 PM on October 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

Dan Ackroyd hit on the (college age) then-girlfriends of two different guys I knew when we were all at school in Kingston (where he had a house and owned a bar*), circa mid-'90s.

I have been led to understand there was alcohol involved.

* the bar sucked (eg. the top floor was full of Ackroyd memorabilia, including framed publicity stills from Doctor Detroit)
posted by The Card Cheat at 11:47 PM on October 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

am i retarded if i want a bottle?
posted by Addiction at 12:14 AM on October 2, 2008

FF for the Boondock Saints Reference Panjandrum.

This has to be a joke. Where's the price tag?
posted by dibblda at 12:39 AM on October 2, 2008

Navalgazer -

The 'newfie' explains that they are Herkimer diamonds. These are just a type of quartz crystal from the area around Herkimer NY. You can pay $5 to go mine them yourself. I have a bunch.
posted by no1hatchling at 12:39 AM on October 2, 2008 [4 favorites]

Vodka remains the most gimmicky of all distilled spirits, I believe, as concerns its packaging and marketing.

Oh, and "Herkimer" sure is fun to say. Herkimer! Herkimer! Herkimer! Herkimer! Herkimer!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 12:48 AM on October 2, 2008

All that PSI Factor stuff was so Dan could provide his brother with work. Peter was in Second City, too, for a while but never made it to the Bigs.
posted by CCBC at 1:00 AM on October 2, 2008

That was fun.
posted by nonreflectiveobject at 1:00 AM on October 2, 2008

Bait-and-switch link? It now redirects to a link-farm that surely loves the traffic.
posted by dabitch at 1:01 AM on October 2, 2008

I'd rather have a skull bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.
posted by taz at 1:15 AM on October 2, 2008 [4 favorites]

I had never heard the word "Herkimer" outside of the context of "Herkimer Battle Jitney" before.
posted by aubilenon at 1:24 AM on October 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

hogtied and beaten and left in a dumpster behind a strip joint in Tijuana, is all I'm saying.

Why are you bringing up my Mondays again?
posted by trondant at 1:27 AM on October 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

Please let this be a Ghostbusters 3 viral.Please let this be a Ghostbusters 3 viral.Please let this be a Ghostbusters 3 viral.
posted by minifigs at 1:31 AM on October 2, 2008 [2 favorites]

- to all ye who wonder what I'm talking about, when I click http://crystalheadvodka.com/# I get redirected to http://crystalheadvodka.com/ and that site looks like this: flickr screenshot - it could possibly be triggered by IP# since Taz ain't seeing the same thing as me.
posted by dabitch at 1:43 AM on October 2, 2008

Come on, gang, this is satire. This has to be broad satire. An ongoing, five minute joke, fun marketing. A send-up. No one (other than Palin) could possibly be this dumb.
posted by dancestoblue at 2:08 AM on October 2, 2008

I was so hoping this would turn out to be a really deadpan comedy act.
posted by JHarris at 2:10 AM on October 2, 2008

Well, there are some places offering Crystal Head vodka for sale, but I look at this page, and I have to laugh. Effen Raspberry vodka? Bunratty Potcheen? Boris Jelzin vodka? Bong Vodka? (Bong Spirit Company creates designer spirits that embody todays arts and entertainment culture. Created by people who genuinely understand what it means to be artists, Bong Spirit's Super Premium Vodka is the fusion of silky smooth artisanal grain vodka from Holland, and a culturally themed designer bottle...)

Google: "No results found for "batshit insane vodka"." Do I smell an opportunity?
posted by taz at 2:30 AM on October 2, 2008

ORSON WELLES: "Ah, the paranormal vodka, that's always celebrated for its excellence! There is an ectoplasmic vodka by Dan Aykroyd, (taps bottle) inspired by that same arcane excellence! It's enchanted in a bottle, like the best occult vodka, its vintage dated, so Dan Aykroyd-"

DIRECTOR: "-Cut!"
posted by Smart Dalek at 4:06 AM on October 2, 2008

Just down the road...it's really not all that.
posted by greenskpr at 4:25 AM on October 2, 2008

The link worked for me. I would be willing to trade the 1/2 bottle of Cabo Wabo Reposado in my frige for one of those awesome skull bottles.
posted by winks007 at 4:39 AM on October 2, 2008

I prefer to drink my vodka out of real skulls.
posted by datter at 4:49 AM on October 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

Nthing the wish that this were a viral movie-promo-tie-in. Just two small changes: name it Crystal Head Vodka from Raymond Stantz, Ph.D. Oh, and make the goddamn movie first.
posted by anotherpanacea at 5:00 AM on October 2, 2008

It must suck to be a comedic actor with esoteric beliefs or tastes, especially in this postmodern "age of irony" where speaking earnestly is just another schtick.

Also I want one of those skull bottles more than I want you to breathe.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 5:09 AM on October 2, 2008

I vote for parody too, partly because it's just too unsettling for me to believe it's FO' REALZ.
posted by kcds at 5:09 AM on October 2, 2008

That was really strange.

am i retarded if i want a bottle?

I want a bottle.
posted by zardoz at 5:13 AM on October 2, 2008

no fair, I really want to see what y'all are seeing.
posted by dabitch at 5:22 AM on October 2, 2008

I would've loved to have seen Aykroyd's Tom Snyder interviewing Dan Aykroyd about the vodka.

"ah HA HA HA! HA HA HA! HA HA HA! Fair enough, Mr. Aykroyd, I'll buy that..."
posted by Spatch at 5:24 AM on October 2, 2008

I don't know why you would fill this awesome, awesome bottle with vodka instead of, you know, an actual beverage. Like whiskey. Maybe some overproof bourbon.

I have had bourbon from a number of novelty bottles, including, but not limited to, football players, basketball players, the Statue of Liberty, and Ben Franklin. Couldn't tell you what kind of bourbon it was, but it survived many years of poor storage just fine.
posted by uncleozzy at 5:49 AM on October 2, 2008

What... was that?! :O
posted by the cydonian at 5:56 AM on October 2, 2008

This is a great idea. When the vodka bottle starts to talk and tells you to kill your family, scattering their flayed skins over the dead tree down by the crossroads to form the tattered, gory backdrop to your alcohol-slurred chants calling for the Rising of the Stones of Lund and the Benediction of the Seven Dread Benefactors while you dance widdershins about a flame fueled by the dung and hair of a left handed goat, you'll know you've had enough to drink.

"Hah-ha!" you'll say to the murmuring glass skull, "I know what you are about, My Friend! You wish me to call down the Doom of Ages!"

"Pshaw, you got me," the vodka bottle will reply, a single blood tear drifting down its polished face, "You are too smart for me."

You will beam, pleased with yourself, knowing that your knowledge and restraint has prevented the End of All Times. You will treat yourself to one last drink, a toast to your wisdom.

Then things will get a bit hazy, disjointed. You will wake up the next morning with a pounding headache and a horrible taste in your dry, dry mouth. You will look about you in horror, wondering where you are. Your eyes will light upon the drunken scawlings before you, signed and notarized contracts designating you as the proud owner of a time-share vacation home in St. Sebastian, Florida ("Florida's Most Growingest Vacation-Themed Community!").

Now locked in and on the line for years and years of fees, you will howl at the Heavens, your ink-stained hands curled like claws around several promotional pamphlets.

And though the vodka skull stays quiet now, quiet as all the world's graves, you will swear that you can hear it laughing. Laughing!
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:03 AM on October 2, 2008 [21 favorites]

Is Crystal head something I'd need to be a Conehead to understand?
posted by mandal at 6:32 AM on October 2, 2008

stick to acting Dan.

Seriously. If you focus too much on this stuff, we'll miss out on an important part of cinematic history.
posted by inigo2 at 6:37 AM on October 2, 2008

Yeah, I want the bottle too. I'd fill it with tequila, though, which seems way more appropriate.
posted by rokusan at 6:59 AM on October 2, 2008

Needs more Belushi.
posted by tommasz at 7:14 AM on October 2, 2008

Needs more Belushi.

Mayhap his was the true inspirational model for the bottle? I always thought Dan seemed the gravedigging type.
posted by TrinaSelwyn at 7:18 AM on October 2, 2008

Come on, gang, this is satire. This has to be broad satire. An ongoing, five minute joke, fun marketing. A send-up. No one (other than Palin) could possibly be this dumb.

Sadly, no. I've reviewed, and therefor watched Dan Aykroyd Unplugged on UFOs. Unless he's been playing a joke that would make Andy Kaufman look like a chump, this is the real deal.
posted by Bookhouse at 7:22 AM on October 2, 2008

"what to put in a bottle laden with such symbology..."

Dan, I'm sure the word you were looking for was symbolism. Ssssssssymbolism...

Dan Aykroyd probably got "symbology" from Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code, but there is such a thing as symbology...

...Oh, wait, I see from Wikipedia you are quoting Boondock Saints. My bad.
posted by homelystar at 7:23 AM on October 2, 2008

I can't wait for Dethklok to discover this stuff.
posted by anthom at 7:34 AM on October 2, 2008 [2 favorites]

You're a better man than I, Bookhouse. My wife and I paid cash money to watch that.

Box o'Sangria is a hell of a drug.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:48 AM on October 2, 2008

I'm one up on both of you. I got paid to watch DAUOUFOs.

_{although I still had to watch it, so maybe I am no better}
posted by infinitewindow at 8:29 AM on October 2, 2008

Effen Raspberry vodka?
I've had the Black Cherry vodka. Quite good despite the (inadvertently?) quirky name.
posted by The Ardship of Cambry at 8:45 AM on October 2, 2008

When the vodka bottle starts to talk and tells you to kill your family,..

"You know, it just occurred to me that we really haven't had a successful test of this equipment."
posted by quin at 8:45 AM on October 2, 2008

I'm one up on both of you. I got paid to watch DAUOUFOs.

I got paid too, which I think makes both of us better than robocop is bleeding. I keep the DVD in my "weird enough to win a bet with" file next to the Flaming Lips "Tubthumping" remix.
posted by Bookhouse at 8:53 AM on October 2, 2008

Is there a rule, I wonder, for this: whenever someone posts something slightly outrageous on a forum or blog some genius commenter will inevitably declare that it has to be a joke because nobody can be this stupid...even though there are ample reasons to believe that people really can be this stupid, eg posting useless comments that only confuse everyone?

Or maybe those comments are themselves a joke? I need another diamond-encrusted-bong hit before I finish this statement brb...
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:13 AM on October 2, 2008

I think it's real, it's on BevMo, and only $50!

I kind of want one.
posted by starfyr at 9:16 AM on October 2, 2008

Oh, I totally want one. I just can't decide whether to turn it into an LCD lamp or use it to house a ship-in-a-bottle.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:31 AM on October 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

It's impossible to watch Dan Akyroyd shilling voodoo vodka without thinking of Bill Murray and Suntory. (Also, this has to be satire, right? Curse you, shifting postmodern world.)
posted by Nelson at 9:37 AM on October 2, 2008

What? This is really funny. Are you people idiots?

Also, vodka is good.
posted by fleetmouse at 10:46 AM on October 2, 2008

So, OK, back in '80, I walk into the Blues Brother Bar. Totally by accident, I was in Old Town and needed to make a phone call and take a piss. I'm sixteen and not too careful. When my eyes adjusted to the dim light inside, I realize that a couple of bouncers are converging on me; they look like CPD officers crossbred with aurochs. I'm starting to back up when a voice barks from behind the bar: "The kid stays."

It's Ackroyd, dressed all in black and looking at me like there's something objectionable written on the back of my skull. "Whaddaya want, kid? What's your poison? Hooch, rotgut, popskull, joyjuice? What?"

I stammer, "I-I'm not old enough--"

"Bullshit! This bar isn't licensed anyway. We're off the damn space-time continuum anyway, punk! You walk outside, you might end up in some elder-god shithole with non-Euclidian angles, or worse yet, Terre Haute. Do what you will, baby!"

I shrugged. "I don't really know booze."

He rubbed his hands together and looked please. "First drink... let's see... ah, I know just the thing." He raised up a section of the bar on hinges; a faint green glow came from within the space revealed. I peered inside. A classic gray alien floated in the viridescent liquid. "That poor sucker has been soaking in pure grain alcohol for thirty-three years. Richard J. Daley used to have it in an altar in his basement in Bridgeport. Dunno what he did with it." He picked up a shotglass in a pair of tongs and dipped out a measure of the liquid. "Bottoms up, boyo."

I hesitated--it didn't seem quite sanitary--but what were the odds that I would be offered a drink again by a nationally known comedian? I threw it back, and... well, I have to say that I was a little disappointed. I mean, sure, I saw all of the possible Dan Ackroyds superimposed on our continuum's Dan--black Dan Ackroyd (quite a few of those, actually), looks-just-like-Belushi Dan Ackroyd, looks-just-like-1975 Playmate of the Year-Marilyn-Lange Dan Ackroyd, giant turtle Dan Ackroyd, evil-goatee Dan Ackroyd--but I was, you know, expecting to get high or something. OK, I did have to sit down for a minute.

Ackroyd picked up my shot glass with the tongs. "You can have another shot, but I gotta warn ya, it'll make your penis three feet long... and as thick as a pencil." I declined. I did take a leak, but I won't tell you what I saw in the bathroom. He invited me to drop in any old time, but when I came back the next day, the bar had vanished as if it had never been there.

So, anyway... yeah, I might try that vodka.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:23 AM on October 2, 2008 [4 favorites]

Pleased. Sorry, flashback.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:26 AM on October 2, 2008

"don't go knocking screech, m'boy. That's good stuff"—Lemurrhea

I second that. Don't go knockin' Screech Rum, it won this summer in a blind rum taste test we did this summer. A favourite of mine, Mount Gay Rum, didn't. Ditto Cap'n Morgan [ok, that's easy to beat].

"If you're buying liquor more for the shape of the bottle than the booze inside, you should be hogtied and beaten and left in a dumpster behind a strip joint in Tijuana, is all I'm saying."— stavrosthewonderchicken

Hey, Hey, you're talking about my Moms there boy. Them's fightin' words.
She bought some red liqueur whose cap was a red felt hat. She never cracked it open and when she went back home, we pitched it./ We don't blame her for its purchase.

Filtered through diamonds¿ Cubic Zirconium I'd bet. HA./
OTOH, it'd make a hella' candle holder.

"no fair, I really want to see what y'all are seeing."-dabitch
Ditto for the hula.com link. Not available in freakin' Canader. Bloody hell.
posted by alicesshoe at 11:40 AM on October 2, 2008

Is this a joke?
posted by zouhair at 12:24 PM on October 2, 2008

Filtered through diamonds

Sounds pretty biodynamic to me. It's a good thing Ackroyd isn't dead or we'd all get a lecture.

That said, the payoff is near the end of the clip:

We are confident that people will enjoy the very slight creamy sweetness given to the tongue and palate from a serving of Crystal- Head- triple- herkimer- diamond- filtered- Newfoundland- deep- aquifer- pure- spirit- vodka.

Whether you wish to explore and discuss the mystical implications of your life on the amazing plane of existence or not, as you enjoy a fine premium beverage the truth is that this is a luxury vodka in a cool bottle, and at my personal request, manufactured to bring you a truly *non-enhanced* [?? his emphasis] pure spirit.

I say take him at his word.

zardoz: No one likes the skull vodka bottle design? I think that's pretty rad
Dark Messiah: I'd settle for a conversation-piece that looks like a skull. That said, I'm sure the price tag is ridiculous.
Jon_Evil: I'm gonna get one of those bottles, and I don't care that I'll be spending next month's rent to do so.
mazola:I'm buying 13 of 'em and SCREW YOU!
Addiction: am i retarded if i want a bottle?
dibblda: Where's the price tag?
winks007: awesome skull bottles.
Uther Bentrazor: I want one of those skull bottles more than I want you to breathe.
zardoz: I want a bottle.
uncleozzy: awesome, awesome bottle
rokusan: Yeah, I want the bottle too.
starfyr: I kind of want one.
robocop is bleeding: Oh, I totally want one.

Kids, it's available now and only about $40US/bottle, expensive compared to, say Grey Goose but not outrageously so. Particulary if you want to marry that bottle.
posted by Herodios at 12:48 PM on October 2, 2008

nola: God I was typing all that as he said it so forgive the typos. I'll never make it as a secretary.

VCR controls appear if you hover over the vid.
posted by Herodios at 12:52 PM on October 2, 2008

Particulary if you want to marry that bottle.

Whoa, whoa whoa. I wouldn't go that far without being certain of the inner diameter of the opening.
posted by uncleozzy at 1:07 PM on October 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

Well along those lines, unc, I suppose there are other things you could buy with a couple double sawskis.
posted by Herodios at 1:25 PM on October 2, 2008

You're right, Herodios. Let's see if I picked an online liquor merchant who is unscrupulous enough to ship to MA but scrupulous enough not to swipe my money/credit card number.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 1:33 PM on October 2, 2008

. . . although given the shape of the bottle, what you're suggesting reminds me uncomfortably of something a biker I met in a bar in Montana once threatened to do to me.

Discretion being the better part of valour and treasuring as I do my binocular vision, I retired from the billiard tables for the evening.
posted by Herodios at 1:34 PM on October 2, 2008

This is an untapped market for the Fleshlight folks.
posted by uncleozzy at 1:38 PM on October 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

robocop is bleeding writes "I just can't decide whether to turn it into an LCD lamp or use it to house a ship-in-a-bottle"

Got to be ship in a bottle. Geez, now I want one of these bottles. Think they'll hit eBay?
posted by Mitheral at 1:57 PM on October 2, 2008

I would have bought one of those if it'd been funny. Like pet rocks or something. Only the vodka angle is better. Pet Rocks don't get you very drunk. Unless you use them as a suppository... orrrrr was that in the emergency room afterward? I believe I have said too much.
posted by tkchrist at 2:27 PM on October 2, 2008

Would have been a lot better if they could have flushed the cork to the surface of the bottle.

I would have bought one had Mr. Akroyd had the foresight to manufacture the skulls with THREE holes - carb, intake pipe, and bowl. And then he could speak much more convincingly of our ability to commune with the alternate reality / otherworld / etc.
posted by Meatbomb at 3:24 PM on October 2, 2008

I prefer to watch the video and see it as proof that Ray Stanz is alive and well

Alive? Of course, but not exactly well.


Following the attack on New York by Vigo the Carpathian, interest in Ghostbusters, INC soared. The successful prevention of an Elder God invasion boosted public image, and sales, even further. Seizing on this opportunity, Ray Stanz (under the guidance of Dr. Peter Venkman) sold franchise rights for GB INC, despite protests by Egon Spengler and Winston Zeddemore.

For a while, everything was looking up for GB INC. As one of the fastest growing franchises in the U.S, the Ghostbuster IPO was one of the largest in history. However, competition* from other Paranormal Removal Agencies, the lack of wide-spread haunting** in the U.S, or towns hostile*** to the very idea of "ghost-busting" turned GB INC into a bloated, over-stretched mess.

With Dr. Peter Venkman under investigation for tax evasion, Ray Stanz sold GB INC to a dutch firm in 2000. He recieved a large settlement package and a complete lack of anything to do. (his book store having been a Starbucks, Jamba Juice, and Duane Reade in the intervening years.)

Then of course, came 9/11. With ghosts now classified as "enemy combatants" committing "paranormal acts of terror.", most Paranormal Removal Agencies became defacto government departments. Despite (or because of) operating under government oversight and receiving truckloads of funding, GB INC was at the center of a few large public scandals and the truly disasterous handling of the Great Voodoo Uprising of 05'. People, nostaglic for the old Ghost Busters, remarked how heartbreaking it was that the old Hook & Ladder 8 was now a gift shop, owned by the Department of Homeworld Security.

Ray Stanz, undeterred, threw himself into projects, trying to find the spark of excitement that lead him to the Paranormal. Wispering wells, crop circles, abductions, Nazca Lines, crying statues, ...crystal skulls. They bankrupted him over time, leading to the light-night infomercials and cheap promotional stunts we all know.

Dr. Peter Venkman was cleared of charges and is a minor celebrity ("Dr. Spooky Noise Fun") in Japan.

Egon Spengler left GB INC shortly after it went public and now lives and works in Punxsutawney, PA.

Winston Zeddemore went missing in the Congo and is presumed dead.

Janine Melnitz married Louis Tully in 1997. They live in Astoria, Queens with 2 children.

Dana Barrett who, in addition to being a concert musician and restorationist, was instrumental in the construction of the Nostromo Heavy Mining Cruiser. She is currently on a 10 year mission.

*GB INC created a host of imitators, from Wal-Mart's "GHOST-B-GONE" to the San Fransisco-based "Sidhe Sisters" Paranormal Therapy Center.

** Aside from a few major hotspots, hauntings are not terribly common and people became upset when GB INC couldn't fix that cold spot (draft) or odd creaking (warped wood).

*** Many communities took umbrage to the very idea of ghosts. For some it was against their religion, for others, it was the strict domain of prists ..and they didn't like the competition . Others, like Sunnydale, CA, simply refused to grant leases.
posted by The Whelk at 4:13 PM on October 2, 2008 [5 favorites]

I know what my brother's getting for his birthday this year: a bottle of this and a copy of 'My Stepmother is an Alien' on DVD.
posted by mewithoutyou at 4:38 PM on October 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

I always did think Ghostbusters was an incredibly literate and Fortean-informed movie, for all its popularity. I expected he was the reason why. Poor Dan . . .
posted by Countess Elena at 5:51 PM on October 2, 2008

One should mention also that part of the GB INC decline was the poor quality control of the branches .Effective Ghost Busting costs time and money and the so-called " Cross-Stream to Excellence" Program did not work.

Also, the lack of haunting seems to be a uniquely american phenomenon, as the Dutch group that bought GB INC already owned Pulsifer England and GhastySpokken of Holland and they were (and continue to be) wildly successful.
posted by The Whelk at 8:07 PM on October 2, 2008

Not to mention, of course, the Statue Of Liberty Issue, which is still off Liberty Island and currently in between e80st and e81st street, despite massive funding and action?
posted by The Whelk at 8:53 PM on October 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

Is it just my wife and I, or does it look like he's about to crack up at the very end of the clip? He seems to be having more fun with this than he's letting on. But that's his signature, right?
posted by dylanjames at 11:01 PM on October 2, 2008

what movie/tv show was it where one character was trying to force another to believe in the MYSTICAL CRYSTAL SKULLS? and the 2nd character really wanted to pretend because the first one was really hot (or something like that?) but then couldn't because the damn things had a seam and were obviously fakes. i thought it was from something like 30 rock, but now i am having my doubts.
posted by timory at 11:13 PM on October 2, 2008

So according to Defamer, this is a viral ad for the release of Indy 4 on DVD, due October 14. I admit to being taken in by it, and having no idea why I couldn't see it for what it was--moreover, it made me think that the backstory behind Indy 4 might actually be some sort of obscure legend that I'd never heard of, instead of a piece of hack writing that pales in comparison to the backstories of Indy 1 and Indy 3.

It's like the filmmakers are acknowledging a problem with Indy 4 (that the artifact in question isn't a pre-existing mythical object that the audience can immediately identify with, unlike the Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail) and attempting to fix it.
posted by Prospero at 6:50 AM on October 3, 2008

I didn't think it was real. Ackyrod was using his Ray Stanz voice too broadly and comically and it the choice of Crystal Skull was just too on the nose. I wasn't getting an honest Orson-Wells-Gallo-Wine vibe.

It makes it 5% less funny.
posted by The Whelk at 10:15 AM on October 3, 2008

I hope it's not fake as a website totally took my money for it.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 2:27 PM on October 3, 2008

I didn't think it was real

Does no one read the thread before posting anymore?

it's on BevMo, and only $50!
posted by starfyr at 9:16 AM on October 2 [+] [!]

Kids, it's available now and only about $40US/bottle
posted by Herodios at 12:48 PM on October 2 [+] [!]

You're right, Herodios. Let's see if I picked an online liquor merchant who is unscrupulous enough to ship to MA but scrupulous enough not to swipe my money/credit card number.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 1:33 PM on October 2 [+] [!]

posted by Herodios at 2:39 PM on October 3, 2008

robocop, you gotta try contacting that retailer and report back!
posted by mwhybark at 3:23 PM on October 3, 2008

I didn't think it was real

Does no one read the thread before posting anymore?

it's on BevMo, and only $50!

I meant real as in "Hi I'm Dan Ackyrod and I endorse this totally real product without irony for movie tie-in." I didn't think it was an honest, non-joke-novelty-tie-in-product. Not that it wasn't something that exists and can be sold.

Um, if that makes any sense.
posted by The Whelk at 6:56 PM on October 3, 2008

Well, my card has been charged and something is winging its way over via DHL, so I'm fairly positive.

Plus, there's been independent conformation and a bevy of eBay scammers (150$ a bottle!?!) to help add veracity to the myth.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 4:29 AM on October 6, 2008

robocop, once you get it please let me know if, in your opinion, drilling two more holes in the top of the skull seems feasible.
posted by Meatbomb at 7:13 AM on October 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

Will do. It's pretty safe to say the Race Is On for the first example of Enhanced Crystal Head Smoke Technology.

Me, I'm going for lamp or ship-in-a-bottle still, depending on the size of the opening.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:20 AM on October 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

Wow..does that mean I'm the first on the blue to get my mitts on a bottle?
(BevMo's within walking distance of me, and I needed to make a beer run, and lo and behold...)
The box has some wonderful batshitinsane babble about people becoming enlightened after touching the 13 mysterious crystal skulls etc. but tastefully so, not as eyedamaging as your average Dr Bronner's label.
It's pretty decent vodka as far as smell/taste test is concerned.
Meatbomb, IANA handy person, but I'd be reluctant to drill baby drill on this bottle. I'm kinda thinking candleholder once I've consumed the contents. Maybe some layers of multicolored sand? Seashells and beach glass?
posted by The Ardship of Cambry at 9:02 PM on October 6, 2008

Ardship, Robcop, I will pay CASH MONEY* for the first person to prove a wicked bong can be made of this thing.

*not really, we are in an economic crisis after all.
posted by The Whelk at 9:58 PM on October 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

Picture of Crystal Head Vodka bottle (with bunny for scale).
posted by robocop is bleeding at 1:16 PM on October 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

Your rabbit's name is Dr. Beef Wellington? That is awesome.

Mine's is Super-Destructo-Atomotron-Nugget-Head of DOOM: Nuggetly Destroyer of Worlds and Demonic Swallower of Souls.

No, I'm not kidding.
posted by quin at 1:50 PM on October 8, 2008

Nice to see those Russ Cochran reprints as a backdrop, too. Makes me feel more like buying this conspicuous consumable.
posted by CCBC at 4:32 PM on October 8, 2008

robocop is bleeding, your retailer still has it in stock! Soon, MetaFilter shall possess all thirteen!
posted by mwhybark at 10:24 AM on October 9, 2008

So, wait. In summary--

--Crystal Head Vodka is actually, really real.

--Defamer is almost certainly wrong that the vodka is a movie tie-in (though the vodka's makers are, at the very least, piggybacking off the film's existence). Defamer implied in its post that any order placed for the vodka would fail to go through, and clearly that was wrong.

--Something that, for some reason, I never thought to do before: I actually Googled "thirteen crystal skulls" and found that the backstory for Indy 4, ludicrous as it is, existed well before the film itself. (See also.) And all this time I thought (and I imagine many others thought as well) that the skulls were a MacGuffin tha was newly invented for the film, like the Shankara stones in Temple of Doom, and that Aykroyd's monologue in the ad was similarly invented.

I don't know anything about anything anymore.
posted by Prospero at 11:52 AM on October 9, 2008

Yeah, it looks like the Defamer people didn't do much research into the video.

Meatbomb, drilling may be possible, but there is a faint seam that runs vertically across the center of the skull. I suspect that trying to put a hole there may split the skull in half (or just shatter), so hole alignment might best be off center. There is space between the teeth.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 4:57 AM on October 10, 2008

There is space between the teeth.

Aha! So it IS David Letterman's skull!

Or maybe Madonna's...
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:15 AM on October 10, 2008

Particulary if you want to marry that bottle.

Whoa, whoa whoa. I wouldn't go that far without being certain of the inner diameter of the opening.

1 inch.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:23 AM on October 10, 2008

1 inch.

The voice of experience?
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:28 AM on October 10, 2008

Painful, greasy experience.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:34 AM on October 10, 2008 [2 favorites]

Hm. Sounds like a recipe for a trip to the ER.
posted by uncleozzy at 5:44 AM on October 10, 2008

Next on House, MD!

TAUB: His vitals are falling, his kidneys are failing!
KUTNER: We need to get that skull off his dick!
HOUSE: No! The skull on his dick is the only thing keeping him alive. We need to keep his erection up. Thirteen, show him your tits!
THIRTEEN: *Flashes the twins* I have Huntington's!
TAUB: It's not working! Thirteen is shaped like a twelve year old boy.
HOUSE: Get Cuddy in here!
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:52 AM on October 10, 2008

Don't forget the scene where Chase is about to perform surgery on the patient's penis--without removing the skull, of course--but just as he's about to make an incision, House stumbles into the OR--wearing street clothes, unscrubbed, maybe with a mask hanging around his neck, unworn--grabs the scalpel, instead makes an incision in the patient's abdomen, and removes a teratoma that is, in fact, a perfect likeness of the crystal skull.
posted by uncleozzy at 6:06 AM on October 10, 2008

He then launches into a hilarious ventriloquist routine with the teratoma insulting the intelligence and failings of those around him.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:25 AM on October 10, 2008

The best part of the episode, of course, is the sensitive performance of Dan Akroyd in the role of robocop is bleeding. The inventive hilarity with which the comedian-sum-liqourist approaches the penile predicament sets tongues wagging from coast to coast!
posted by mwhybark at 5:33 PM on October 12, 2008

GODDAMMIT

comedian-cum-liquorist
posted by mwhybark at 5:34 PM on October 12, 2008

My Crystal Head arrived today. Soon, fellow MeFites, soon!
posted by mwhybark at 8:10 AM on October 15, 2008

What did you pay for it?

Let us know what it actually tastes like, too, please. I'm really on the fence about ordering a bottle; I don't particularly want the liquor, but the bottle itself (and the Aykroyd story) make it very tempting, as a conversation piece.
posted by paisley henosis at 8:41 PM on October 15, 2008

under $40, not including extortionate out-of-state shipping ($26 DHL 2-day).

It's pretty good, comparable to any other premium vodka. Less oily in the mouth than Stoli (yes, I taste-compared them). I still prefer Stoli.
posted by mwhybark at 12:28 AM on October 16, 2008 [1 favorite]

HODGMAN HAZ SKULL
posted by mwhybark at 2:13 PM on October 20, 2008

I just picked up my bottle today, from a Bevmo here in San Fran.

I would put it on par with Stoli, or an other $30ish price ranged vodka. The bottle itself is neat, but I will probably just keep the bottle, and refill it with other, better value, vodka in the future.
posted by mrzarquon at 2:49 PM on October 26, 2008