Stop this now!

October 2, 2008 7:50 AM

What's the biggest problem facing America today? Gas prices? Healthcare? High taxes? No, it's far, far more serious than any of those things. I demand to know what the candidates intend to do for the American people in the face of this threat.
posted by essexjan (39 comments total)

Is the threat squirrels in underwear or squirrels without underwear?
posted by wabbittwax at 7:54 AM on October 2, 2008 [3 favorites]

The definitive naked animals hoax.

I also seem to remember something about Steve Allen on the topic, but that's because anything funny from the B&W days I automatically assign to Steve Allen.
posted by Mister_A at 7:55 AM on October 2, 2008

Is the threat squirrels in underwear or squirrels without underwear?

It depends. Clearly skwerl nekkidness should not be tolerated. But with the credit crunch, at $9.50 a pair the chances are that a squirrel who wants to cover his nuts won't be able to afford to even buy a pair of underpants. This must not be allowed to happen! Where's the bailout for the squirrels?!!
posted by essexjan at 7:59 AM on October 2, 2008

America's Problems Run Deeper than Wall Street
posted by infini at 7:59 AM on October 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

I put boxers on my squirrels. They look more professional.
posted by lukemeister at 7:59 AM on October 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

I demand to know what the candidates intend to do for the American people in the face of this threat.

Profit?
posted by WolfDaddy at 7:59 AM on October 2, 2008

I want to start a related site which hosts photos.

More specifically, photos of injuries people received when trying to put underpants on squirrels.
posted by quin at 8:00 AM on October 2, 2008 [2 favorites]

I'm releasing my memoir about my addiction to naked squirrels. It's entitled The Long Tail of the Gun.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 8:04 AM on October 2, 2008 [2 favorites]

I really want Gwen Ifill to ask Sarah Palin tonight about how she proposes to deal with this threat.
posted by lukemeister at 8:07 AM on October 2, 2008 [2 favorites]

I put boxers on my squirrels. They look more professional.

Yes, but then there's the old squirrel nut droop factor (OSNDF). Not to mention that they have to adjust the boys for long trips in the car.

Trunk-style squirrel underwear is effective at bridging the gap between visual presentation and testicular support.
posted by middleclasstool at 8:09 AM on October 2, 2008

I thought it was going to be a video about McCain/Pelosi.

Although she does look a bit squirrel-ish and he's hiding nuts in his cheek.
posted by dasheekeejones at 8:10 AM on October 2, 2008

I keep calling her Pelosi. I meant Palin.
posted by dasheekeejones at 8:11 AM on October 2, 2008

Trunks: fashionable, tasteful, political, ball-supportive, and maybe NSFW-ish.
posted by middleclasstool at 8:14 AM on October 2, 2008

I object to the anthropomorphizing of animals, because it suggests that they have souls and that's very un-Christian. If God wanted squirrels to wear underpants, dance and talk, He would allow them into the Kingdom of Heaven. Yet he does not.
posted by Mayor Curley at 8:17 AM on October 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

This reminds me of my friend's website Beaver Like Mammals.
posted by AaRdVarK at 8:27 AM on October 2, 2008

I really want Gwen Ifill to ask Sarah Palin tonight about how she proposes to deal with this threat.
posted by lukemeister at 8:07 AM on October 2 [+] [!]

She would say:

" It all comes down to health care reform and with Russia right in my backyard I know a thing or two about Canadian politics. With this plan we would expect more jobs to be created and quality of life to raise for America. Also I dealt with this very problem as a mayor before and let me tell you that the buck stopped at my desk!" Stares oddly at the camera before letting out an MTVish WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
posted by Mastercheddaar at 8:29 AM on October 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

Beavers blamed for likely bank failure

Right after I read essexjan's post, I looked out my window and there stood a *giant* squirrel, flaunting his nakedness.
posted by lukemeister at 8:37 AM on October 2, 2008

I'd just like to say that this is NUTS.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:00 AM on October 2, 2008 [2 favorites]

Related: Gonads & Strife.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:03 AM on October 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

Skippy the Bush Kangaroo fights global warming.
posted by pyramid termite at 9:19 AM on October 2, 2008

They ain't really nekkid until you've taken their pants and shirt off.
posted by mandal at 9:37 AM on October 2, 2008

I blame the librul media.
posted by contessa at 9:44 AM on October 2, 2008

What about pretty lace panties for the girl squirrels?
posted by sandraregina at 9:45 AM on October 2, 2008

There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him.

By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him. The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel.

The squirrel says to the man, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"
posted by netbros at 10:14 AM on October 2, 2008 [3 favorites]

Everyone knows the well dressed squirrel wears a trench coat and fedora.
posted by doctor_negative at 10:23 AM on October 2, 2008

When I moved to Austin, a friend of mine who had gone to school at Texas told me that the squirrels on campus had humongous testicles. And my god, they really did.

I don't think I added anything to the discussion. This has just always mystified me.
posted by bibliowench at 11:11 AM on October 2, 2008

Next time a friend says they're having a squirrel problem, this is the perfect gift. Anyone with squirrel problems needs the laugh.
posted by Goofyy at 11:18 AM on October 2, 2008

...a friend of mine who had gone to school at Texas told me that the squirrels on campus had humongous testicles...

bibliowench, everything's bigger in Texas.
posted by contessa at 11:19 AM on October 2, 2008

everything's bigger in Texas

Like chest to floor urinals, also known as Texas urinals. So they don't drag bottom.
posted by netbros at 11:34 AM on October 2, 2008

Finally, an affordable defense against Squirrel Nut Zippers!
posted by moonmilk at 11:37 AM on October 2, 2008

bibliowench, everything's bigger in Texas.

Well then why not make the squirrels themselves bigger?

Actually, don't answer that.
posted by bibliowench at 11:59 AM on October 2, 2008

I will use my furry body to short circuit a transformer before you get me into a pair of those.
posted by sciurus at 1:01 PM on October 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

Off topic but remember when Dole was running for office and the jokes were about how old he was. Supposedly they asked him if he wore boxers or shorts and he said "depends".
posted by Bitter soylent at 2:58 PM on October 2, 2008

I should have said "briefs". The crowd boos and hisses
posted by Bitter soylent at 2:59 PM on October 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

In related news
posted by lukemeister at 3:19 PM on October 2, 2008

I think that someone should tell Sinatra Squirrel about these....
posted by Kronos_to_Earth at 5:48 PM on October 2, 2008

Huh. Neither Biden nor Palin addressed this issue.
posted by essexjan at 7:51 PM on October 2, 2008

essexjan,

Have you seen National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation? This scene is pretty much the Citizen Kane of the squirrel panic oeuvre.
posted by lukemeister at 6:05 AM on October 3, 2008

Huh. Neither Biden nor Palin addressed this issue.

We're used to be being disappointed by our politicians.
*shakes fist in frustration *
posted by lukemeister at 4:04 PM on October 3, 2008