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Brief History of the Twenty-First Century
October 7, 2008 8:34 PM   Subscribe

A Brief History of the Twenty-first Century
posted by phrontist (28 comments total) 12 users marked this as a favorite

 
I usually like this kind of thing, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I would have done it a lot better.
posted by localroger at 8:39 PM on October 7, 2008 [1 favorite]


2052 TO 2055: No recorded history

This is my favorite part. Maybe we can federally mandated 'history-free eras,' kind of like zoning laws.
posted by jonmc at 8:40 PM on October 7, 2008


Agreed localroger - I want those two minutes of my life back! I guess I'll have to wait for that time machine...
posted by blahblah at 8:44 PM on October 7, 2008 [1 favorite]


Very droll. My favourite part:

JUNE 11, 2041: In a matter of weeks, the entire Internet is replaced by "news blow," a granular microbe that allows information to be snorted, injected, or smoked. Data can now be synthesized into a water-soluble powder and absorbed directly into the cranial bloodstream, providing users with an instantaneous visual portrait of whatever information they are interested in consuming. (Sadly, this tends to be slow-motion images of minor celebrities going to the bathroom.)

posted by KokuRyu at 8:47 PM on October 7, 2008


OCT. 2, 2051: In the new age of global remoteness, military strategy becomes murky. Conventional wisdom suggests Australia is the most important region, as it can only be invaded via Indonesia. Others point to South America, since it is vulnerable only to Central American freedom fighters or North African warlords. Everyone agrees that Europe is a waste of time.

The Risk reference cracked me up...
posted by SirOmega at 8:55 PM on October 7, 2008 [5 favorites]


I like that amidst all the turmoil, the NFL remains the same.
posted by padraigin at 8:55 PM on October 7, 2008


True announces his reinvention on YouTube 3.1 by uploading a 4-D image of Abraham Lincoln copulating with a MacBook, synchronized to a live version of "Smack My Bitch Up" from the recent Prodigy reunion tour.

I just like the idea of Prodigy being all "classic" rock to gen-x-ers.
posted by phrontist at 9:12 PM on October 7, 2008


Still no personal jetpacks? Goddamnit.
posted by bettafish at 9:15 PM on October 7, 2008 [1 favorite]


JULY 14, 2009: While the price of gas hits five dollars per gallon in most American cities, the value of the dollar becomes exactly half the value of the euro. World travel becomes a luxury available only to the rich; on the upside, Northwest Airlines goes bankrupt.

Wow, $5 a gallon? The dollar worth .5 euros? That would be a neat trick considering (a) global oil demand is falling rapidly as the world enters a recession, and (b) the dollar is surging against the euro, which means dollar-denominated commodities are falling in price.

It must be frustrating when the non-rigorous, undisciplined worldview you formed over the last 8 years based primarily on an emotional dislike of the President is undone by events unfolding over the course of a few days.
posted by Pastabagel at 9:18 PM on October 7, 2008 [2 favorites]


Pastabagel: Yeah, look at that sucker surge. Speaking of surges that weren't seen in perspective...
posted by phrontist at 9:23 PM on October 7, 2008


It must be frustrating when the non-rigorous, undisciplined worldview joke you formed over the last 8 years half a bottle of bourbon based primarily on an emotional dislike of the President pop culture references and robot jokes is undone by events unfolding over the course of a few days.

FTFY
posted by dubold at 9:25 PM on October 7, 2008 [5 favorites]


1 Jan 2000-19 Jan 2000: the final days of the Clinton Presidency. The 21st Century still had the glowing cheeks of infancy.

20 Jan 2000-10 Sept 2001: So far, so good. The 00s (have we decided what to call this decade yet) weren't ever going to be the 90s, but it was young and still finding its feet.

11 Sept 2001-8 Oct 2008: Can we have a do-over?
posted by crossoverman at 9:55 PM on October 7, 2008 [1 favorite]


2074 TO 2078: Robot vs. Animal War.

Oh hell yeah.
posted by nudar at 10:05 PM on October 7, 2008 [4 favorites]


The so-called "album" is titled We Exist Only to Rock You

I have to say, I'm a big fan of that "album" title. Although I'm having a very hard time imagining it being spoken in anything but a German accent. With dozens of German car commercial engineers working around the clock to assure that your face is being rocked off at 99.87 percent efficiency or greater at all times.
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 10:35 PM on October 7, 2008 [2 favorites]


2074 TO 2078: Robot vs. Animal War.

There won't be enough animals left to field an army by then. Now, Robots vs. Insects...that would be a war.
posted by The Card Cheat at 10:47 PM on October 7, 2008 [1 favorite]


insects aren't animals?
posted by mr dodo at 11:31 PM on October 7, 2008


They lost me at "NOV. 4, 2008."
posted by chuq at 11:36 PM on October 7, 2008


Global warming =/= Ozone hole.
posted by Citizen Premier at 11:42 PM on October 7, 2008 [1 favorite]


Uppity Pigeon #2, it made sense to me in that the members of the band are "cyborgic" and it is quite possible that they literally do exist only to rock you. (Or maybe I'm not getting your obvious Kraftwerk joke?)
posted by kaytwo at 11:43 PM on October 7, 2008


Uppity Pigeon #2, it made sense to me in that the members of the band are "cyborgic" and it is quite possible that they literally do exist only to rock you. (Or maybe I'm not getting your obvious Kraftwerk joke?)

I'm actually not clever enough to reference a musical group that does not market a toothbrush. I'm just masking my intense, crippling fear of robotic musicians. And musicians in general. Why you gotta know how to play the guitar, you jerk?
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 11:54 PM on October 7, 2008


I couldn't shake the feeling that I would have done it a lot better.

I think that goes without saying.
posted by octobersurprise at 5:29 AM on October 8, 2008


"JUNE 11, 2041: In a matter of weeks, the entire Internet is replaced by "news blow," a granular microbe that allows information to be snorted, injected, or smoked. Data can now be synthesized into a water-soluble powder and absorbed directly into the cranial bloodstream, providing users with an instantaneous visual portrait of whatever information they are interested in consuming."

I want this shit right now.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 7:40 AM on October 8, 2008


I stopped reading after "Northwest Airlines goes bankrupt" since I was immediately reminded that something so good and right could never occur outside science fiction.
posted by kittyprecious at 8:11 AM on October 8, 2008 [1 favorite]


I want this shit right now.

be careful. it's a gateway drug to - oh, too late. carry on...
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:05 AM on October 8, 2008


I thought Bob Dylan was 88.
posted by Eideteker at 10:35 AM on October 8, 2008


Also, is it just me or was that whole timeline a complete closterfuck?
posted by Eideteker at 10:39 AM on October 8, 2008


"Maybe we can federally mandated 'history-free eras,'"

Like Pre-Columbian America? Oh!
posted by Eideteker at 10:53 AM on October 8, 2008


NOV. 5, 2081: To slow oxygen consumption, moon inhabitants are ordered to remain relatively motionless for twenty hours a day. To compensate, every person is allowed to cerebrally download the complete memories of a fictional lifetime once a week; the populace now spends most of its time feeling nostalgic for things they did not actually do.

Holy hells, the future holds nothing for us but catatonic rockabilly fans? NOOOOOOOOOOO
posted by FatherDagon at 12:03 PM on October 8, 2008


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