When She Turns 18, I Almost Guarantee She's Going to Rename Herself Michelle

October 15, 2008 5:24 PM

Ava Marie Ciptak was born on Friday, October 10, 2008. Except that her name wasn't Ava Marie Ciptak. Her father, Mark, of Elizabethton, Tennessee, "sort of secretively went behind [his wife Layla]'s back and changed the paperwork" by using two separate birth certificate forms. Instead of naming his daughter John McCain — his initial plan — he named his daughter Sarah McCain Palin, "figuring hopefully [he] would get two weeks in the doghouse rather than two months."
posted by WCityMike (84 comments total)

Wow. Somebody actually is fond of this woman. I regularly patronize a bar that's usually crowded with guy who could be charitably described as 'urban rednecks,' and even they don't like Sarah Palin. I heard one of them the other day "McCain'll stroke out and she'll be President of the United States! I'm novin' to fuckin' Mexico!"

went behind [his wife Layla]'s back

Soon she'll have you on your knees, beggin' darlin' please, indeed.
posted by jonmc at 5:29 PM on October 15, 2008 [9 favorites]

I hate people who do this stuff. But at least they're "real" names - not Butterfly, Apple, Seven or any of these other non-names that are becoming more and more common.
posted by blaneyphoto at 5:29 PM on October 15, 2008

Major Major Major Major
posted by micketymoc at 5:33 PM on October 15, 2008 [3 favorites]

I can relate - my infant son's name is "BaRocky Horror Picture ShowBama." And his last name is Facetious.
posted by facetious at 5:38 PM on October 15, 2008 [7 favorites]

Dammit, micketymoc, you beat me to it! Perhaps ex-PFC Wintergreen will change her name back?
posted by luckypozzo at 5:40 PM on October 15, 2008

Came across a great post on Pandagon earlier today that explains what is so appalling about this.

Summary: this dad behaved extremely callously toward his wife and daughter and it's probably not doing McCain any favors to demonstrate this is how his supporters behave.
posted by andoatnp at 5:40 PM on October 15, 2008

Eh, could be worse.
posted by BrotherCaine at 5:42 PM on October 15, 2008 [4 favorites]

Dick move.
posted by Pope Guilty at 5:44 PM on October 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

Dick Move.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 5:45 PM on October 15, 2008 [11 favorites]

Screwing with your kid's name to change it to something stupid?

That's divorcin'
posted by rodgerd at 5:48 PM on October 15, 2008 [3 favorites]

But at least they're "real" names - not Butterfly, Apple, Seven or any of these other non-names that are becoming more and more common.

Oh, bah. Most names ultimately have a meaning, and usually it's just some ordinary run-of-the-mill word. Naming your kid Butterfly just cuts to the chase.

That said, if either of us had done a sneaky naming con like this when our kids were born, there'd have been blood to clean up.
posted by padraigin at 5:49 PM on October 15, 2008

I hate people who do this stuff. But at least they're "real" names - not Butterfly, Apple, Seven or any of these other non-names that are becoming more and more common.

Like "Trig," "Track," "Willow" and "Piper?"

.. or am I missing the sarcasm?
posted by klanawa at 5:49 PM on October 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

Wow, BrotherCaine... I know they're all supposed to be precious flowers, but that baby is fugly. Appropriately.

(And yes, may this comment live on the Great Internet Cache until she reads it. Fine.)
posted by rokusan at 5:49 PM on October 15, 2008

sigh....why is it that events like this tend to gravitate toward Tennessee? I swear we're not all like that, and I was born here.
posted by rhythim at 5:50 PM on October 15, 2008

Willow and Piper? She watches a lot of TV.
posted by jonmc at 5:50 PM on October 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

C'mon people, it could be worse. He could have named her Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, or Trig like a real redneck.
posted by Justinian at 5:50 PM on October 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

Damn you klanawa.
posted by Justinian at 5:50 PM on October 15, 2008

I'm still waiting for someone to figure out who teaches Trigonometry at Wasilla High. Or wherever.

On topic... the only real Palin fans I have met are genuine red-letter crazy christianists. You know, dinosaur deniers and I-am-one-of-the-ten-thousand-good-people-on-earth'ers.

I really hope that doesn't equal much of a popular vote, but who knows. The modern USA is Weirdsville.
posted by rokusan at 5:53 PM on October 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

But, seriously, the whole deal with parents bickering over what to name their kids. I had a friend with a "quirkily" misspelled first name. His father thought it was better than the stuff the missus came up with. Mrs only found out when he brought the birth certificate home. The jerk repeated the same gag on the next three kids, too. Had I been Mrs, I'd take that as grounds for divorce.
posted by Xere at 5:53 PM on October 15, 2008

Willow and Piper? She watches a lot of TV.

Witches. The Christian right is apparently okay with this.
posted by rokusan at 5:54 PM on October 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm surprised that this story ended up here. I didn't think it's worth the attention, but it seems something about it compels people to comment.

I had to post on my LJ when I read about it the first time because the dad's behavior could hardly get more blatantly dismissive of his wife and daughter. Note how he says that HE took one for the cause.

It certainly is good advertising for Obama, though.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 6:13 PM on October 15, 2008

There's a house along the route to my wife's parent's house, it's just your average ranch style with attached two car garage, an eighties sort of new farmhouse for the rural midwest, except at some point not too long after 9/11/01 they painted it up like an American flag - like, two foot wide red and white stripes and the garage door done up with the field of stars on blue. It's garish, to say the least.

And every time I go by there, I think, I hope they are truly happy with that decision, because you're screwed, you know? Small rural community, fishbowl, what are you gonna do, paint it yellow? "Ah you know I got fucking sick of America."

Somehow I'm quite sure that one was the husband's bright idea too.
posted by nanojath at 6:21 PM on October 15, 2008 [9 favorites]

Wouldn't it have been easier to name her Total Dipshit Ciptak? We all would have known what he meant.
posted by twoleftfeet at 6:23 PM on October 15, 2008

I plan to name my first born Alfred-Thomas Abazena Fez-Muhammad Jorgensen. His friends can call him Fez. He'll have a hell of a time filling out those bubble test forms.
posted by cjorgensen at 6:25 PM on October 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

His friends can call him Fez

"I don't know your name, but your fez is familiar.."
posted by jonmc at 6:29 PM on October 15, 2008 [4 favorites]

This jerk doesn't seem remotely capable of being a father or husband. Sperm donor, maybe. Abuser definitely.Seems to be a classic, run of the mill narcissist or sociopath on the low level type in relation to his behavior: liar, pulled a con at the hospital with ease, forged a legal document, the birth certificate of his biological child, no remorse for the deceit, isn't capable of even saying the word conscience, can only mumble the word conscious, callous disregard, glib about hurting others. No regard or respect for his wife, none for the gender of his daughter because he thought nothing of calling her John McCain.

I pity his wife and biological child and hope they find a way to create an exit strategy and departure as soon as they are able.
posted by nickyskye at 6:32 PM on October 15, 2008 [22 favorites]

When I first found out about 'Trig', 'Track', 'Willow' and 'Piper', I thought the Palins had named their kids after North Sea Oil platforms.
posted by fcw at 6:51 PM on October 15, 2008 [3 favorites]

This kid has it a little easier.
posted by infinitewindow at 7:18 PM on October 15, 2008

Yeah, the folks in Bristol are not as sharp as a pistol. Great comments on the web site. Money quote, in case you didn't make it to the end:

In the event the family decides to overrule the father, they’ll have one year to file an affidavit requesting the name change, according to the Tennessee Department of Health’s Office of Vital Records.

So, yeah, another non-story.
posted by fixedgear at 7:19 PM on October 15, 2008

"Hello, I'm your dad. And the first thing you should know about me is that I am an enormous douche!"
posted by emjaybee at 7:29 PM on October 15, 2008 [3 favorites]

I came here looking for it, just so I could favorite for the first time ever. But since no one has said it yet:

Christ, what an asshole.

Because seriously.
posted by Alison at 7:34 PM on October 15, 2008 [6 favorites]

“The very next day, though, I did feel bad, my conscience set in,” he said.

Lighten up, folks. As noted upstream, the baby's name can be changed, and if you had read the article, you'll note that the father does feel bad about it.

And for the record: there ain't nothing wrong with the name Sarah.
posted by davidmsc at 7:40 PM on October 15, 2008

There's a house along the route to my wife's parent's house, it's just your average ranch style with attached two car garage, an eighties sort of new farmhouse for the rural midwest, except at some point not too long after 9/11/01 they painted it up like an American flag - like, two foot wide red and white stripes and the garage door done up with the field of stars on blue. It's garish, to say the least.

And every time I go by there, I think, I hope they are truly happy with that decision, because you're screwed, you know? Small rural community, fishbowl, what are you gonna do, paint it yellow? "Ah you know I got fucking sick of America."


Well once the paint starts peeling and looking bad, won't they have to get rid of it by burning it in a dignified way?
posted by TedW at 7:46 PM on October 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

I can't let this thread pass without posting this.
posted by MikeMc at 7:49 PM on October 15, 2008 [3 favorites]

Laverenanues Ciptak.
posted by Zambrano at 7:51 PM on October 15, 2008

Someone who uses their own child as a political prop is a supporter of Sarah Palin?

How shocking.
posted by grouse at 7:54 PM on October 15, 2008 [3 favorites]

Wasn't Piper named after a "snow machine"?
posted by Brocktoon at 7:57 PM on October 15, 2008

This jerk doesn't seem remotely capable of being a father or husband. Sperm donor, maybe.

The requirements for sperm donation are actually quite rigorous.
posted by voltairemodern at 8:11 PM on October 15, 2008

That man, if indeed you can call him that, would be neutered the second I found out about it if he was married to me. What an evil, sneaky, flat-out WRONG thing to do. I hope his wife divorces him, and I hope the judge in the case takes this into account when he awards her a ton of alimony. Good golly. Did he not THINK about what he was doing? Oh wait...he's a McCain voter. Of course not.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 8:34 PM on October 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

My baby got me on TEE-vee, what'd YO baby do?
posted by Robin Kestrel at 8:37 PM on October 15, 2008

Willow and Piper? She watches a lot of TV.

Willow and Bristol are places in Alaska, so is Paxton. Although it appears that Piper was named after a plane and Track after a snowmachine.
posted by fshgrl at 8:39 PM on October 15, 2008

Well given Willow, I just assumed Piper was this Piper.

(If I am wrong, though, it would only be the 373th time this week.)
posted by rokusan at 8:39 PM on October 15, 2008

I believe that dick-punching was invented for occasions such as this.
posted by louche mustachio at 8:50 PM on October 15, 2008

I've long held to the belief that Any presidenial last name makes a good first name for a child. Until The Bushes came along and ruined it. But they have to serve first. None of this candidate bullshit.

Although Nixon is kind of iffy, and Hoover is only for the truly adventurous.
posted by billyfleetwood at 8:54 PM on October 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

Kinda like being called Geraldine Mondale Ferraro Ciptak, isn't it?!

Poor kid. Ready to lose on day one... never had a chance!
posted by markkraft at 9:20 PM on October 15, 2008

Willow and Piper?

Could be worse: Pillow and Wiper.
posted by hangashore at 9:29 PM on October 15, 2008 [16 favorites]

So basically this guy is not only incapable of thinking about other people he shares this country with, but he can't even be bothered to think about other people he is married to or whom his wife gave birth to? That's...well, I guess that's the kind of person I'd expect to be a non-thinking Republican (as opposed to the thinking ones, who seem very unhappy about this whole Palin thing.)
posted by davejay at 9:40 PM on October 15, 2008

(on a tangent, since we're talking about politics and names, how come McCain didn't response to the whole "bomb-bomb-bomb-Iran" thing by noting that Obama's name even contains the word bomb?)
posted by davejay at 9:41 PM on October 15, 2008

I mean, we are at that level of discourse now, right?
posted by davejay at 9:43 PM on October 15, 2008

From the post on Pandegon linked above:

..it has always seemed strange to me that our culture gives the naming rights to the parent who has not had another person taken out of their body in the past 24 hours in a haze of blood and pain. You know, if someone’s had a crazy day involving pain at my house, they get to pick what’s on TV at bare minimum.

My wife and I did this, which is why our twins are named Donewithyour Johnson and Holycrap T. Fuckingsucked (the T is for "thatreallyreallyreally".)
posted by davejay at 9:47 PM on October 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

So... you fill out the form and you change the name back. Seems like that sort of resolution brings this fully into "prank" territoriy.
posted by Wood at 10:10 PM on October 15, 2008

Lighten up, folks.

Oh! OH, SHIT! Seriously, I completely missed it! Hahahahahaha!
posted by nickyskye at 10:12 PM on October 15, 2008

This will not wendell Sarah McCain Palin.
posted by not_on_display at 10:13 PM on October 15, 2008

davidmsc, So, you're telling me your real name is Sue?
posted by nickyskye at 10:15 PM on October 15, 2008

Have you ever driven through Elizabethton? The entire place is expressly designed to keep these mouth-breathing idiots from wandering elsewhere. It's a hothouse for stupid and it will break your mind.

Let's hope none of them hitched a ride out with the news van.
posted by Kikkoman at 10:19 PM on October 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

And for the record: there ain't nothing wrong with the name Sarah.

Sarah McCain Palin is certainly better than Geraldine Mondale Ferraro.
posted by clearly at 10:24 PM on October 15, 2008

"Esmerelda Margaret Note Spelling"
posted by boo_radley at 10:31 PM on October 15, 2008 [11 favorites]

“The very next day, though, I did feel bad, my conscience set in,” he said.

That's the kind of decision maker you want in the ballot box come November 5th.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:37 PM on October 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

4th
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:37 PM on October 15, 2008

I predict their next child will be named Sonof Dumbass.
posted by Foam Pants at 12:35 AM on October 16, 2008 [1 favorite]

Winkies McMaverick Von Betcha Hockeymom Inwhatrespect Charlie "The Plumber" O'Bringittoya, my friends. The cockpunchin'est name this side of the Rockies. Go ahead and give that name to your hamster-- that hamster will be authentically punchin' cocks from dawn till midnite in every honkytonk and biker bar you've ever seen in a TV montage or Ford commercial.
posted by maryh at 12:38 AM on October 16, 2008 [3 favorites]

Him I want voting on the 5th, actually.
posted by Richard Daly at 12:59 AM on October 16, 2008 [4 favorites]

Have you ever driven through Elizabethton? The entire place is expressly designed to keep these mouth-breathing idiots from wandering elsewhere. It's a hothouse for stupid and it will break your mind..

Actually, one of the very best, most interesting liberal, religious blogs is written by the pastor of First Presbyterian in Elizabethton. To the point where other Presbyterian pastors in enlightened places like Pennsylvania and Florida spend a lot of energy trying to get him thrown out of the church for heresy. But don't let that get in the way of your hatred.
posted by hydropsyche at 3:57 AM on October 16, 2008 [2 favorites]

Have you ever driven through Elizabethton? The entire place is expressly designed to keep these mouth-breathing idiots from wandering elsewhere. It's a hothouse for stupid and it will break your mind.


He speaks the truth.
posted by nola at 5:06 AM on October 16, 2008

I think the wife should change the daughter's name to Hillary Michelle Ciptak. That should put him in his place for the rest of his life.
posted by Ber at 6:09 AM on October 16, 2008 [1 favorite]

Eh, could be worse.

I think it's great that little Aryan Justice will have to share a birthday with Dr. J and she was born in a town named for Jews. Mazel tov!
posted by Pollomacho at 6:24 AM on October 16, 2008

billyfleetwood: "I've long held to the belief that Any presidenial last name makes a good first name for a child. Until The Bushes came along and ruined it. But they have to serve first. None of this candidate bullshit.

Although Nixon is kind of iffy, and Hoover is only for the truly adventurous."

"Oh look, there goes little Van Buren."
"Honey, where's Polk?"
"Have a good day at school Harding."
"Get in here McKinley! Right now!"
posted by mindless progress at 6:39 AM on October 16, 2008

Lighten up, folks. As noted upstream, the baby's name can be changed, and if you had read the article, you'll note that the father does feel bad about it.

Oh well shit that makes everything better then
posted by Pope Guilty at 6:40 AM on October 16, 2008 [1 favorite]

“With the stress of everything going on, she, I guess, didn’t realize that a new form was printed with my handwriting because my handwriting is very noticeable, very unique,” he said of his wife.

I'm sure it is. But even with all that stress, you'd think she'd have noticed it was done in crayon.
posted by Killick at 6:44 AM on October 16, 2008 [2 favorites]

billyfleetwood: "I've long held to the belief that Any presidenial last name makes a good first name for a child. Until The Bushes came along and ruined it. But they have to serve first. None of this candidate bullshit.

Although Nixon is kind of iffy, and Hoover is only for the truly adventurous."

"Oh look, there goes little Van Buren."
"Honey, where's Polk?"
"Have a good day at school Harding."
"Get in here McKinley! Right now!"

My great-grandfather, born during the lat 1800's, was named Cleveland. Can you guess what minority party his parents were members of?
posted by Pollomacho at 6:49 AM on October 16, 2008

I've long held to the belief that Any presidenial last name makes a good first name for a child.

Just ask Woodrow Wilson Guthrie and Chester Arthur Burnett (aka Howlin' Wolf).
posted by jonmc at 7:16 AM on October 16, 2008

or this guy.
posted by jonmc at 7:17 AM on October 16, 2008

He'll regret this as much as I regret secretly naming my soon Google Ron Paul.
posted by drezdn at 7:35 AM on October 16, 2008

DAMNIT: soon = son.
posted by drezdn at 7:35 AM on October 16, 2008

DTMFA. That is all.
posted by The Bellman at 7:43 AM on October 16, 2008

I remember when I was younger, on slow news days, a regular story would be the dad who had just named their child with the first names of all the members of his local soccer team...

My first born will of course be William Patrick Jon Tom Peter Colin Sylvester Paul Christopher David. And they had better like it. Especially if they are a girl.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 7:45 AM on October 16, 2008

4th

No, let this guy believe the election is November 5th. We'll all be better off.
posted by desjardins at 7:59 AM on October 16, 2008

Mom should ask for a paternity test.
posted by arse_hat at 10:20 AM on October 16, 2008

Treating a child as a means, not as a human being in their own right. Huh. Honestly, never occured to me.

I mean you go around saying “some people shouldn’t be parents” and then you find something startlingly approprite and indicative of why that is.

Oh clearly the degenerate and derelict shouldn’t be parents, but that’s obvious. No one thinks someone who beats the hell out of their child or doesn’t feed them has the right to be a parent. In fact we fund state agencies to take kids away from people like that.

It’s these kinds of cases that clarify the line though. Y’know, not so bad really. But somewhat troubling. Like the band Styx. Not horrible. Within the bounds of tolerability, and yet...
posted by Smedleyman at 12:05 PM on October 16, 2008

When this story broke there were a lot of us wishing to move way from here even more than usual. Yes I live a few miles from Elizabethton.
posted by austinetsu at 1:49 PM on October 16, 2008

She's no Nicholas Barbon. Not even a Fined Six Thousand and Five Hundred.

But still, jerk dad, yadda yadda, DTMFA.
posted by Lemurrhea at 3:41 PM on October 16, 2008

It wasn't a furry friend that made 19-year-old Cutout Dissection.com change her name. It was an item on many menus across the United States -- chicken wings.
A name is just a name after all.
posted by Sailormom at 6:47 PM on October 16, 2008

That's the kind of decision maker you want in the ballot box come November 5th.

Bad enough I got the date wrong, but ballot box instead of voting booth? Jesus.
I think I am starting to suffer from electoral exhaustion.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:47 PM on October 16, 2008

Easy now, hydropsyche. I've been to that church several times. I agree that they are an oasis of sanity and thoughtfulness in a sea of disappointment.

Recognition of that fact does not prevent me from divining the malign purpose behind the dark architecture of that city's cruel, twisted, loathsome heart. If you seek hatred, you need only follow those pernicious corridors.
posted by Kikkoman at 4:43 PM on October 18, 2008