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Typo-induced time warp
November 3, 2008 10:12 AM   Subscribe

The story of a speeding ticket, in three acts (click to see full-sized, readable versions). The Cliffs Notes version: man gets speeding ticket complete with a typo on the date of issue, man responds to police with amusing tales of time-travel, infants driving, and automobile prototypes. I won't spoil the ending.
posted by mathowie (88 comments total) 19 users marked this as a favorite

 
Can I spoil the ending?
posted by diogenes at 10:18 AM on November 3, 2008


The police officer was a ghost the entire time!
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:21 AM on November 3, 2008 [5 favorites]


Flux capacitor... that is all
posted by HuronBob at 10:21 AM on November 3, 2008


1800cc's of grunt

Wicked awesome band name.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:28 AM on November 3, 2008


Can I spoil the ending?

Voldemort is Harry's father!
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:30 AM on November 3, 2008


IT WAS ALL A DREAM.
posted by Dr-Baa at 10:32 AM on November 3, 2008


If Superman drives his car at light speed in reverse, he can turn back time. He can find a way. He'll take back those words that hurt you, and and you'll stay. He can reach the stars; he'll give them all to you. Then you'll love him, love him like you used to do.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:33 AM on November 3, 2008 [4 favorites]


If you find you can't stop yourself from reading the below spoiler, at least don't ruin the hilarious ending for your friends or coworkers:

[SPOILER]

he received a bland form letter waiving the ticket

[/SPOILER]
posted by DU at 10:35 AM on November 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


'cause his hair is still curly and his eyes are still blue.
posted by moonmilk at 10:35 AM on November 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


So the next time someone posts an AskMe about getting out of a traffic ticket, we can all point to this FPP, yes? Excellent.
posted by rtha at 10:36 AM on November 3, 2008 [2 favorites]


Argh! Less than 2 seconds between preview and post and DU still managed to sneak in.
posted by moonmilk at 10:36 AM on November 3, 2008


He fixes the cable?
posted by mazola at 10:36 AM on November 3, 2008 [8 favorites]


Typo-induced time warp

Can you really hand write a typo? Wouldn't that be more of a writo?
posted by Pollomacho at 10:39 AM on November 3, 2008 [5 favorites]


He fixes the cable?

Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey.
posted by middleclasstool at 10:41 AM on November 3, 2008 [2 favorites]


Given this is on Metafilter and it has to do with the police, my guess is it ends with him getting tazed.
posted by bondcliff at 10:46 AM on November 3, 2008 [3 favorites]


Um, wastegates aren't noisy -- blow-off valves often are. (Or are we calling them both "wastegates" now?)

</pedant>

posted by LordSludge at 10:48 AM on November 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


I feel like if this happened in the states, the mailer would be sent off to Guantanamo or some other absurd form of punishment.
posted by teabag at 10:50 AM on November 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


Funny that the police dept. letterhead has a the image of a camera as a background faux-watermark.
posted by Thorzdad at 10:52 AM on November 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


This is awesome! Thx, Matt!
posted by Lynsey at 10:52 AM on November 3, 2008


Forrest Whitaker's girlfriend turns out to be a dude.
posted by Pollomacho at 10:54 AM on November 3, 2008 [3 favorites]


Wicked awesome band name.

It's like 10cc times 180

and gruntier.
posted by zippy at 10:56 AM on November 3, 2008


Sentenced to time served.
posted by Smedleyman at 10:58 AM on November 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


Keyser Soze is your father.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:59 AM on November 3, 2008


Oh, crap. I thought I fixed that the last time I was in 1974.

Fuck it. I'm leaving it. Last time I tried to fastidiously iron out such petty little details in the fabric of space time I returned to the present to find dinosaurs in suits running the whole show. Just imagine Exxon-Mobil, IBM or Halliburton run by dinosaurs. Sure, the cold-blooded way they did business meant that they'd already colonized a dozen star systems, but it wasn't any place for a soft, tasty morsel of a humanoid.

Yeah, the time cops were already here yesterday. I served a thousand year sentence watching "Quantum Leap" and they dropped me back home last night. They say next time it'll be 10,000 years of "Small Wonder". If you'll excuse me I'm going to go burn my time machine.
posted by loquacious at 11:05 AM on November 3, 2008 [5 favorites]


It was Earth all along!
posted by giraffe at 11:08 AM on November 3, 2008


Scrooge kills Fezziwig!
posted by The White Hat at 11:14 AM on November 3, 2008


An oldy but a goody.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 11:20 AM on November 3, 2008


The cop gets put in a giant wicker man and burned up.
posted by shakespeherian at 11:21 AM on November 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


Turned out the speeding ticket WAS A COOKBOOK
posted by DU at 11:28 AM on November 3, 2008 [6 favorites]


He was driving a sledge
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 11:30 AM on November 3, 2008


TO PROTECT AND SERVE MAN!
posted by zamboni at 11:32 AM on November 3, 2008 [6 favorites]


The trees caused it.
posted by Dr-Baa at 11:39 AM on November 3, 2008


U.S. version:

Fined $1000 for violation of Chapter 268: Section 6. False reports, or smartassing in testimony before state departments, and another $50 for violation of Chapter 268: Section 24. Neglect or refusal to assist officer in correctly issuing citation.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 11:45 AM on November 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


He actually issued the ticket to..... himself! - the officer was in an accident with the speeder and horribly disfigured, and then his "wife" had his face reconstructed to look like the speeder.
posted by cashman at 11:49 AM on November 3, 2008


I feel like if this happened in the states, the mailer would be sent off to Guantanamo or some other absurd form of punishment.

After enjoying a brief fantasy of having the wit to compose such a letter myself in similar circumstances, this was my approximate thought as well. Do I really think I'd get sent away as a dangerous terrah-ist? No, but it took me a few seconds of serious thought to reject the possibility, and that's scary enough. I do think it's entirely possible that my license number would end up on the local Highway Patrol's unofficial list of people-we-do-not-like.
posted by [user was fined for this post] at 11:49 AM on November 3, 2008


Spock, who was riding shotgun at the time, dies, thereby sacrificing himself for the greater good of getting out of a speeding ticket. He goes into the radiation chamber that was powering the vehicle and as fast as you can say "Picard's a damn bloody Borg!", he's dead.
posted by willmize at 11:50 AM on November 3, 2008


HE HAD THE TIME, NOW, BUT HIS GLASSES ARE BROKEN!
posted by shmegegge at 11:53 AM on November 3, 2008 [3 favorites]


Rosebud was his sled.

Or a Honda saloon. I don't remember which, now.
posted by papercake at 11:54 AM on November 3, 2008


I want a Honda Saloon.
posted by Shfishp at 11:55 AM on November 3, 2008


SOYLENT GREEN KILLS DUMBLEDORE!
posted by dersins at 11:58 AM on November 3, 2008 [3 favorites]


AND A JET ENGINE HAD TO CRUSH HIM OR PATRICK SWAYZE WOULD START MOLESTING CHILDREN AGAIN SOME MORE.

Since when is a saloon not a drinking establishment and how awesome would it be if it transformed from that into a car with autopilot which took you home and ejected you straight into bed?
posted by kittyprecious at 12:00 PM on November 3, 2008


The American version of Life on Mars just isn't good. It is like watching an Football Quarterback dance.
posted by srboisvert at 12:00 PM on November 3, 2008 [2 favorites]


1800cc's of grunt

Wicked awesome band name


Only if you wanted to be occasionally mistaken for Russell Crowe's band Thirty Odd Foot of Grunt. You don't.
posted by meech at 12:01 PM on November 3, 2008


He shouted, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!" out of his window.
posted by strangeleftydoublethink at 12:04 PM on November 3, 2008


What a small world we live in - FPP to my friend Mike Riversdale's blog.

Hi Mike!
posted by Samuel Farrow at 12:08 PM on November 3, 2008


Cain KILLS Abel.
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:11 PM on November 3, 2008


That was NOT his father's Oldsmobile!
posted by WolfDaddy at 12:17 PM on November 3, 2008


He cut off their tails with a carving knife.
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:27 PM on November 3, 2008


The temperature of the universe eventually evens out as we experience heat death.
posted by Joey Michaels at 12:33 PM on November 3, 2008 [4 favorites]


I think this involved an extremely fast conveyor belt.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 12:35 PM on November 3, 2008 [4 favorites]


When Obama is president every speeding ticket will be waived upon submission of a creative explanation letter.
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 12:36 PM on November 3, 2008


(The deadline for "When Obama is president" jokes is only about 30 hours off, folks)
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 12:37 PM on November 3, 2008


WHEN OBAMA IS PRESIDENT HE WILL USE HIS MAGICAL TIME POWERS TO EXTEND THAT DEADLINE!
posted by dersins at 12:41 PM on November 3, 2008 [1 favorite]




When Obama is president
Every man shall be king
Every woman a king too
Evey child a king
And animals will be kings
And plants will be kings
And cheese will be king
The king of food
Although ketchup will be
King of condiments
As will mustard
It will be a shared kingdom
Shartner will be Starfleet King
Which, as we all know,
Is all he ever wanted anyway
And Obama? Obama?
He will be king of hope
And king of my dreams
Where I will be king too
And the ketchup and mustard
Will perform songs
About how great it is
That everybody gets to be
The kind of something.
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:52 PM on November 3, 2008 [4 favorites]


Whoops.
The King of something.
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:52 PM on November 3, 2008


In Socialist Obama Administration speeding ticket waives you! Ha!
posted by Pollomacho at 12:57 PM on November 3, 2008 [4 favorites]


Does it finally wendell?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:58 PM on November 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


Yeah, the camera on the letterhead of the police letter is just so odd...
posted by cavalier at 1:09 PM on November 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


He dies at the end, but then comes back and disappears it's okay, or something
posted by The Whelk at 1:14 PM on November 3, 2008


Voodoo Dildo MY ASS!
posted by amuseDetachment at 1:15 PM on November 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


Yeah, the camera on the letterhead of the police letter is just so odd...

Is it a camera or a radar gun?
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 1:16 PM on November 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


Nice. Bonus points for the Spaceballs reference.
posted by cribcage at 1:16 PM on November 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


So the cops knew internal affairs was setting them up the whole time?

U.S. version:

Fined $1000 for violation of Chapter 268: Section 6. False reports, or smartassing in testimony before state departments, and another $50 for violation of Chapter 268: Section 24. Neglect or refusal to assist officer in correctly issuing citation.


Not to mention a bunch of people who describe themselves with phrases like "pretty much as far to the left/as anti-authoritarian as you can get" would talk about how lucky he was the police didn't show up at his house after receiving that letter and tase him, because he totally would have deserved it had they done so.
posted by lord_wolf at 1:21 PM on November 3, 2008


Nobody deserves to get tazed for writing a letter.

Sorry.
posted by dunkadunc at 1:30 PM on November 3, 2008


TL;DR.

But can anyone tell me exactly how fast this speeding ticket has to go to reverse time?
posted by davemee at 1:31 PM on November 3, 2008


well done, Sir. (tips hat)
posted by arnicae at 1:37 PM on November 3, 2008



But can anyone tell me exactly how fast this speeding ticket has to go to reverse time?


I don't know, but I know your momma is more fast than that.

OH SNAP NO HE DI INT!
posted by cashman at 1:41 PM on November 3, 2008




But can anyone tell me exactly how fast this speeding ticket has to go to reverse time

Ask Buster Casey. Just don't let him kiss you.
posted by The Whelk at 1:47 PM on November 3, 2008


But can anyone tell me exactly how fast this speeding ticket has to go to reverse time?

88 miles per hour, I thought everyone knew that.
posted by jozxyqk at 1:50 PM on November 3, 2008


This American Life on Mars.
posted by blue_beetle at 2:17 PM on November 3, 2008


Accordingly, should you find yourself having a fit (or just being out of your element), it's your civic duty to drink in a Honda saloon.
posted by An Infinity Of Monkeys at 2:18 PM on November 3, 2008


At the end there's a chase between a car and a horse. It's like, it's like technology versus horse.
posted by shakespeherian at 2:23 PM on November 3, 2008


Plaid.
posted by dirty lies at 2:24 PM on November 3, 2008


U.S. version:


This may be apocryphal, but ...

Apparently a friend of my aunt received a ticket in the mail. He had been clocked speeding by an automated radar station with a camera. On the ticket was a record of the date, time, his speed, and an itty bitty picture of his license plate, as proof of his indiscretion.

He was none too pleased about being caught speeding by a machine, so he sent them an itty bitty picture of the fine money.

In reply, the police sent him an itty bitty picture of handcuffs.
posted by louche mustachio at 2:27 PM on November 3, 2008 [2 favorites]


He stops running just before the finish line and smirks.
posted by subbes at 3:13 PM on November 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


Happy ending or not, I still think cops are all fascist you know what.
posted by francesca too at 3:19 PM on November 3, 2008


He wakes up in his hotel room in a bathtub full of ice, both kidneys a lung and his spleen gone and there's a note that says "call 911 and don't drive 116 kmph"
posted by m@ at 3:32 PM on November 3, 2008


If there is any error on a misdemeanor ticket it is usually invalid,eg if the date is miswritten or the address of the ticket given. So, once the author realized the officer had put his birthday in the part of the form meant for the date of the misdemeanor, it was a done deal, he'd win by calling out that error. But he didn't just call it out. He poetically, hilariously called it out.

What elegant humor. Totally loved that.
posted by nickyskye at 3:59 PM on November 3, 2008


They kill his wife and kid, so he hunts them down in the last of the V-8 Interceptors?
posted by Ron Thanagar at 4:19 PM on November 3, 2008


IT'S A ZOO!
posted by lumpenprole at 4:40 PM on November 3, 2008


The perfect touch was not the smart-ass time travel, but the bit about crawling at some ludicrous speed, but allowing as how the police officer must have held the speed gun upside down. That was delicious.
posted by adipocere at 5:09 PM on November 3, 2008


I wouldn't be surprised if this gentleman now gets extra special care from the cops.
posted by Big_B at 5:28 PM on November 3, 2008


84 comments, 90% smart ass. I thought of something snarky too but it would just get lost in the noise.
posted by Bonzai at 7:38 PM on November 3, 2008


84 comments, 90% smart ass. I thought of something snarky too but it would just get lost in the noise.

So instead you just posted something snarky.
posted by Pollomacho at 7:56 PM on November 3, 2008


LordSludge, you're not as much a pedant as you think. Wastegates can be very noisy, if they're not routed back into the exhaust system. And that's not as uncommon as you might think among the go-faster crowd.
posted by no1hatchling at 11:07 PM on November 3, 2008


But can anyone tell me exactly how fast this speeding ticket has to go to reverse time?

google can
posted by Nauip at 10:23 AM on November 4, 2008


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