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November 11, 2008 3:05 PM   Subscribe

My Mom is a FOB: Moms from Asia say the darndest things.
posted by nitsuj (49 comments total) 37 users marked this as a favorite

 
Me: So what did you think?
Mom: It good, but also I am so glad to see the actress in better movies scripts…
Me: Which actress?
Mom: The one from Chicago. Queef Latina…
Me: …Queen Latifah?
Mom: WhatEVER.

posted by brain cloud at 3:21 PM on November 11, 2008 [2 favorites]


Fetal occult blood?
posted by Astro Zombie at 3:22 PM on November 11, 2008


[Mom had written "DJ masta" on the notepad on the coffee table]

Me: Wtf, who is DJ Masta?
Mom: Ohhh, I was watching a cooking show this afternoon, and they said to use that on sandwiches.
Me: You mean… dijon mustard?

posted by nitsuj at 3:23 PM on November 11, 2008 [6 favorites]


Fetal occult blood?

Fresh off (the) boat.
posted by mhum at 3:23 PM on November 11, 2008


I'm laughing. A little too hard.

Also, love.
posted by Tehanu at 3:24 PM on November 11, 2008 [3 favorites]


This one is so very endearing.


Damn, I gotta call my mom!
posted by no1hatchling at 3:24 PM on November 11, 2008


FOB?
posted by gman at 3:24 PM on November 11, 2008


Also: My Dad is a FOB
posted by nitsuj at 3:26 PM on November 11, 2008 [2 favorites]


Now I'm wondering if there is a My Child Is ABCD (American Born Confused Desi) but I guess that would not be in English.

FOB explained. Sort of.
posted by Tehanu at 3:26 PM on November 11, 2008


On Thursday, at our neighborhood meeting, a woman running for a Senate seat in our district asked if we wanted a “Yes on 8″ sign for our lawn. I respectfully turned it down, but then my mom laughed and said loudly, “We cannot take! Our family has the gay!” - link
posted by roger ackroyd at 3:27 PM on November 11, 2008 [17 favorites]


Oh, Asian mother. How silly you are! These are good too:

Japanese Kids Say the Darndest Things, Part 1
Japanese Kids Say the Darndest Things, Part 2
Japanese Kids Say the Darndest Things, Part 3
posted by nel at 3:28 PM on November 11, 2008


Every Asian stand-up in blog form!
posted by CKmtl at 3:30 PM on November 11, 2008 [4 favorites]


This one is great. And so is this one.
posted by Tehanu at 3:32 PM on November 11, 2008 [3 favorites]


The one brain cloud quoted is my favorite. Queef Latina indeed.
posted by alpha_betty at 3:32 PM on November 11, 2008 [1 favorite]


Don't you people know racial stereotypes are wrong!

(back to your regularly scheduled metafilter)
posted by cjorgensen at 3:33 PM on November 11, 2008


One of the taglines for my personal website, and indeed on my business card, is "Fresh off the boat since 1998".

FOB reminds me somewhat of my wife's Mabelisms.
posted by bwg at 3:39 PM on November 11, 2008 [5 favorites]


How are these stereotypes?
posted by Tehanu at 3:41 PM on November 11, 2008


These aren't stereotypes, these are mothers.
posted by 23skidoo at 3:50 PM on November 11, 2008 [12 favorites]


Yeah I thought anecdotes were the opposite of stereotypes. It'd be different if this was a series of jokes assuming all Asian moms have the same traits. This is more... our moms do wacky things we love, let's share them.
posted by Tehanu at 3:56 PM on November 11, 2008


How are these stereotypes?

Quite fresh, actually.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 3:58 PM on November 11, 2008 [7 favorites]


BWG - Those are priceless!
posted by winks007 at 4:01 PM on November 11, 2008


These are adorable. I wish I had an FOB mom! (I just had FOB grandparents who died before I was born.)



Mom: You OK? Mommy see on TV the hurricane come. It rain outside, Mommy worry for you.
Me: What channel are you watching?
Mom: CNN.
Me: And what state did they say the hurricane was in?
Mom: Florida.
Me: Where are we?
Mom: Texas… oh, Mommy understand now.

posted by availablelight at 4:19 PM on November 11, 2008 [4 favorites]


Nothing is weirder than getting an ALLCAPS TEXT MESSAGE FROM YOUR DAD IN BROKEN ENGRISH WITH WEIRD ASIAN "~~~" and "^_^" (he texts like a Japanese schoolgirl, except he's in his fifties, I think he picks it up from his friends?)
posted by amuseDetachment at 4:41 PM on November 11, 2008 [5 favorites]


My grandmother is an FOB, but from another country (another continent actually), but she's just as prone to this stuff. She'd occasionally call me in to set the dinner table by yelling "I need you, come in da chicken!" (As I got older, I'd answer "But I hardly know the chicken, nonna!")
posted by jonmc at 4:42 PM on November 11, 2008 [6 favorites]


Asian moms LOVE welding helmets.
posted by amuseDetachment at 4:46 PM on November 11, 2008 [1 favorite]



Fetal occult blood?


I had decided on "funny oriental broad."
posted by bookish at 5:09 PM on November 11, 2008 [2 favorites]


[While driving with my dad, someone cuts us off]
Dad: Fart the horn! Peter, fart it!


My favorite. Yes, I'm seven years old.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 5:21 PM on November 11, 2008 [6 favorites]


Ohhhh so darling. I miss my mom. My lovely asian mom who used to make me hamburgers for breakfast and pot roasts as late night snacks.
posted by stray at 5:29 PM on November 11, 2008 [8 favorites]


Makes me miss my mom, too, and she wasn't even Asian. These are lovely.
posted by rtha at 5:33 PM on November 11, 2008 [1 favorite]


These are great! They make me wish my mom were still speaking to me.
posted by kiripin at 5:48 PM on November 11, 2008 [4 favorites]


We were discussing where to have dinner when Mabel suggested the Outbreak Steakhouse.
I laughed as I imagined a menu filled with my choice of viral and bacterial infections.


This would be different how?
posted by blue_beetle at 6:00 PM on November 11, 2008 [1 favorite]


Mymomisafob.com is about those Asian mothers who refuse to get in the car without their UV-protection arm sheath

Aarg, get out of my head.
posted by shadytrees at 6:24 PM on November 11, 2008


Funny Asian parent quotes: making it easier to be the white girl at the Christmas table since 2008.
posted by saturnine at 7:46 PM on November 11, 2008


BWG - Those are priceless!
posted by winks007 at 8:01 AM on November 12 [+] [!]


Thanks. My wife cracks me up.

But then, I've said things incorrectly in Cantonese that make eyebrows go up. You have to be careful when you weren't raised on a tonal language.

For example, if you say 'yes' in Cantonese the wrong way it becomes the slang for 'vagina'. Fortunately I haven't made that particular boo-boo, but it's easier to do than you might think.
posted by bwg at 8:00 PM on November 11, 2008 [1 favorite]


I gotta say, eating buttery popcorn with chopsticks is kinda brilliant.
posted by Rock Steady at 9:20 PM on November 11, 2008


if you say 'yes' in Cantonese the wrong way it becomes the slang for 'vagina'

"slang" is putting it mildly...the exact equivalent has four letters, the first being a "c".
posted by randomstriker at 9:50 PM on November 11, 2008


Please try to maintain purity like the snow, wisdom like the waterfall, health like your alive evil grandmother on your fathers side.
posted by Tehanu at 10:23 PM on November 11, 2008 [6 favorites]


"slang" is putting it mildly

True, but I was trying not to be too coarse.
posted by bwg at 10:47 PM on November 11, 2008


My mom is not Asian but a few months ago she attended a class talking about angels (she loves that stuff). The phone conversation afterwards went like this:

Mom: Did you know that leprechauns are really just angels in disguise?
Me: Mom, when was the last time you saw a leprechaun?
Mom: Well, maybe they're not here in NJ but over in Ireland..
posted by gfrobe at 1:06 AM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]


Why are all you people talking about me?
posted by Faint of Butt at 3:15 AM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]


G'awww. She sounds like a great mom to have, really.
posted by Countess Elena at 3:34 AM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]


I came for the humor.

I stayed for the advice on coping with jetlag, maintaining good posture, learning defensive driving, and eating warm foods in the morning to avoid stomach cramps (spelled with an "l").
posted by Gordion Knott at 3:41 AM on November 12, 2008


"Want a daily dose of Asian dad in your inbox? "

I've defintely gotten this email before.

Wait...
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 5:39 AM on November 12, 2008


This promises to be more entertaining than the failed precursor, My Son is an SOB.
posted by aftermarketradio at 6:10 AM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]


What is it with Asian moms and the chicken thing? (Everyone needs an Asian mom; I'm happy to have adopted my husband's, and I absolutely live by her words of wisdom, of which the accent and syntax are a key component.)
posted by nax at 6:34 AM on November 12, 2008


Eating popcorn with chopsticks makes me chuckle.
posted by daHIFI at 8:47 AM on November 12, 2008


amuseDetachment - that's fantastic, and makes me imagine an older fellow giggling like a school girl while texting.

My dad's a white guy in his late 50s, so maybe it's fitting his emails read like telegraph letters - all caps, short sentences and no punctuation beyond dashes.
posted by filthy light thief at 9:28 AM on November 12, 2008


Oh god. This made me laugh so hard. It's like my Asian mom and all of my Asian aunts and "aunties" rolled into one. Why did I think I was the only one?
posted by Ms. Informed at 11:48 AM on November 12, 2008


New voicemail message: “Hi. This is your mom. Or your friend. If you do not fit into one of these categories, please do not call me. Thank you.”

This is awesome.
posted by owtytrof at 1:17 PM on November 12, 2008


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